Latest / Work-Life Balance with Fexingo: Boundaries, Time Management, and Avoiding Career Overload / The Boundary of Asking More Questions Before Saying Yes
Transcript
- Lucas: So I want to talk about a boundary technique that sounds almost too simple, but the more I sit with it, the more I think it's one of the most underused moves in professional life. Luna: Okay, I'm curious. What is it? Lucas: Ask more questions before you say yes to anything. Not just one question — a short sequence of them. Before you agree to take on a task, join a meeting, or help a colleague, ask three clarifying questions. And I mean actually ask them out loud, not just think them. Luna: That feels almost counterintuitive because when someone asks for your time, the social pressure is to respond quickly, right? You don't want to seem difficult or slow. Lucas: Exactly. And that pressure is exactly why we say yes too fast. I came across this idea from a project manager named Sarah I interviewed a few weeks ago. She was drowning in commitments — working until nine most nights. And she realised most of her yeses happened in the first five seconds after a request landed. Luna: So what did the questions do for her? Lucas: They bought her time. But more than that, they changed the dynamic. She told me she started with three questions: One — what does success look like for this task? Two — what's the actual deadline, not the preferred one? Three — how does this fit into the broader priority list right now? Luna: And people actually answered those? Lucas: Most of the time, yes. And here's the interesting part — sometimes the person asking couldn't answer clearly. And when they couldn't, Sarah felt permission to say, 'Let's circle back once we have a clearer picture.' That alone cut her overcommitment by about 40 percent over three months. Luna: Forty percent is huge. But I wonder — does this work when the request comes from your boss? You can't always push back on a manager. Lucas: That's a fair point. And Sarah actually ran into that. Her boss asked her to take on an additional project. She asked the three questions, and her boss said, 'Look, I just need someone to own this.' So Sarah then asked a fourth question — 'If I take this on, what should I deprioritize to keep my current workload sustainable?' Luna: That is a brilliant reframe. Now the boss has to make a trade-off explicit. Lucas: Exactly. And in Sarah's case, her boss realised the new project wasn't as urgent as two others she was already leading, so they delayed it. She didn't even have to say no. The questions did the work. Luna: I love that. So the technique isn't really about saying no — it's about creating a moment of clarity for both sides. Lucas: Right. And that clarity often reveals that the request itself is fuzzy. The person asking might not have thought it through. By asking questions, you're actually helping them, too. You're forcing a more structured request. Luna: Okay, but I can imagine someone feeling awkward asking three questions every time. Like, does it sound confrontational? Lucas: It can, if you deliver it like an interrogation. But Sarah framed it as curiosity. She'd say, 'I want to make sure I'm giving you the best outcome, so let me understand a few things.' That's collaborative, not combative. Luna: That makes sense. And I think the number of questions matters too. Three feels specific but not excessive. If you ask one, it's easy to brush off. If you ask five, it starts to feel like a quiz. Lucas: Yeah, three is the sweet spot. And the questions should be tailored to the context. If it's a meeting request, maybe ask: What's the agenda? Who else is attending? And what do you need from me specifically? That last one is key because a lot of meetings are just informational — you don't actually need to contribute. Luna: I've definitely been in meetings where I was there 'just in case,' and nothing was asked of me. If I'd asked that question beforehand, I could have skipped it. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the efficiency gain. But there's also a psychological layer here. When you ask questions, you're signaling that your time has value. You're not a fire and forget resource. You're someone who needs context to do good work. Luna: That is a subtle but important shift. It changes how people perceive you over time. Lucas: Absolutely. And I think that's where the long-term boundary lives. It's not just about one request — it's about training your colleagues to bring you better asks. After a few months, Sarah noticed that people started coming to her with more complete proposals because they knew she'd ask those questions anyway. Luna: So it's like a gentle conditioning. They learn that if they want her yes, they need to come prepared. Lucas: Exactly. And that's a boundary that sustains itself. You don't have to keep enforcing it as aggressively because the environment adapts. Luna: I want to try this. But I'm also thinking — what if you ask the questions and the answers are all clear? Then you're kind of out of excuses, right? Lucas: Right — and that's fine. The goal isn't to avoid work. It's to do work that matters. If the request is well-defined, urgent, and aligned with priorities, then saying yes is the right call. You just made that decision with full information instead of reflex. Luna: So it's not a no machine. It's a clarity machine. Lucas: Exactly. And I think that's a healthier frame for boundaries in general. It's not about building walls — it's about installing a filter. You let through the things that are genuinely valuable, and you catch the stuff that's vague or misaligned. Luna: I'm going to use this. I already have a meeting request in my inbox that I was on the fence about. I'm going to ask those three questions before I respond. Lucas: Let me know how it goes. I'd be curious to hear what happens. Luna: I will. And speaking of things that help clarify decisions — if you've been getting value from this show and the practical tips we share, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going. You can support us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, it makes a real difference. We keep the show ad-free, and listener support is a big part of that. So if you've found something useful here, that's the place. Luna: Okay, back to the technique. Lucas, is there a risk that asking questions becomes a crutch? Like, you use it to delay every decision? Lucas: That's a good caution. If you're asking questions you already know the answers to, you're procrastinating, not boundary-setting. The key is that the questions should be genuine queries — things you actually need to know to make a good call. If you're already clear, just say yes or no. Luna: So it's about honest inquiry, not deflection. Lucas: Exactly. And I think the technique works best when you're truly uncertain. If you're already leaning no, you don't need three questions — you can just say no. But when you're on the fence, questions give you the data to tip one way or the other. Luna: What about when the request comes via email? You can't exactly ask questions in real time. Do you send them back? Lucas: Absolutely. Sarah did that all the time. She'd reply with something like, 'Thanks for thinking of me. To make sure I can give this the attention it deserves, could you help me understand a few things?' And then she'd list her three questions. It's slower, but it's still effective. Luna: And it gives you permission to not answer immediately, which is already a boundary win. Lucas: Right. You're not ghosting — you're engaging. But you're controlling the pace. And that alone reduces the urgency pressure. Luna: I think the hardest part for me will be remembering to do it in the moment. When someone asks me something in a conversation, my default is to say yes on the spot. Lucas: That's the reflex we're trying to interrupt. One trick is to have a stock phrase ready. Like, 'Let me ask a couple of quick questions to make sure I understand the scope.' That buys you a few seconds and cues the other person that you're about to probe. Luna: That's good. I'm going to script that for myself. 'Let me ask a couple of quick questions.' Lucas: And if you practice it enough, it becomes automatic. After a few weeks, you won't even think about it. You'll just start asking. Luna: I hope so. Because I know my yeses have been costing me more than I realise. It's not just the time — it's the mental load of carrying commitments I didn't fully understand. Lucas: That mental load is real. Every vague yes creates a tiny background worry. You're not sure what you signed up for, so you keep it in the back of your mind. Questions eliminate that ambiguity. They let you commit cleanly or decline cleanly. Luna: Clean commitment. I like that. So to sum up: three questions, genuinely curious, tailored to the request. And the result is either a confident yes or a graceful no — or a 'let's come back when it's clearer.' Lucas: That's it. And I think the biggest insight from Sarah's story is that the questions themselves do the boundary work. You don't have to be assertive or confrontational. You just have to be curious. Luna: That feels like a much more sustainable approach for people who struggle with direct confrontation. Lucas: Absolutely. It's a boundary for introverts, for people pleasers, for anyone who finds it hard to say no. The questions give you cover. They make the boundary about clarity, not about resistance. Luna: I'm going to try this starting today. And I'll report back next time we talk. Lucas: Do it. I'd love to hear how it goes. And for anyone listening — try it this week. Pick one request you're unsure about, ask three questions, and see what happens. The answer might surprise you.