Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / February 13, 2018 | Expresso - Becca Livgren

Transcript

February 13, 2018 | Expresso - Becca Livgren · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, good evening.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really have drumsticks tonight, so I'm not sure what to do with my poor hand.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna hold this and I'm gonna read to you guys about my life.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was born here in Topeka and I grew up in Silver Lake, which is about eight miles or so from TBC.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: We started coming to TBC when I was around eleven.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was born into a family of believers, so the existence and truth of Christ has never been something that I've questioned.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've always believed in him just as I believed the sun was going to rise.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I accepted Christ when I was very little at a summer Bible camp, then again at a different Bible camp, and again at another Christian event, and again before I got baptized in high school.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, I can see I was always an anxious kid.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I accepted Christ so many times because I was terrified that it didn't work the first time.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: When I got baptized at TBC, I didn't go all the way under, and Barry Beneman has proof.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: So did it really work?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Of course it did.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: My parents have always been fully supportive of me and my desire to play sports and participate in music.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can think of very few times in my life where I didn't have a golf club, basketball, softball glove, drumstick, saxophone, or some other instrument in my hand.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And when I didn't, we were probably on our way to practice or a tournament or a concert.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sports and music are such a major part of my makeup and something I have to fall back on when I'm frustrated or just want to go out and have fun.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I began playing drums at TBC the spring of my freshman year of college around six years ago.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: This became a saving grace for me.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a place where I felt I belonged and I was able to communicate with God without speaking.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to work through grief and pain in a productive and positive way, and able to release anger as well.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the oldest of four, and I have two brothers and one younger sister, two sisters-in-law, hopefully a potential brother-in-law, a little niece on the way, and two loving in-laws.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, I've always wanted to do the right thing.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was friends with everyone because I didn't think it was fair for someone not to be liked just because they were different.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus wouldn't do that, so neither would I.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was constantly aware of how my actions as an older sibling were examples to my brothers and sister.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be good.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It made me happy to be able to please others, especially my parents.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Their approval meant the world.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I began to journal when I was very little.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: There are more prayer journals than diaries.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I would talk to God like He was my best friend.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I would pray about things that make me giggle now.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: When I look back at my journals, like in my seventh grade speech class, I literally wrote this.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: God, I'm very scared to talk in front of people.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: A two-minute speech is so long, and I'm so afraid I won't talk long enough.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Please give me enough to say, and please don't embarrass me in front of the boy I like.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm in grad school and think a 25-minute presentation's too short.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was my connection in prayer time with Jesus.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I would carry my journal with me and write constantly, especially if class was boring.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I always felt like I was in prayer, and Jesus felt as close and as real to me as my dad and mom.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Always there to listen, always cared about the minute details that seem so trivial now.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Once I drew a picture of what I thought heaven would look like, and I was writing on a roller coaster while playing golf.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have a care in the world, and this trend of writing continued through my senior year of high school.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I graduated from Silver Lake in 2012, and I was offered a golf as well as a music scholarship to Baker University in Baldwin, Kansas.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I happily accepted both and moved to this beautiful little town outside of Lawrence.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was in love with the campus and thrilled at the opportunity to do the two things that I loved most, music and golf.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided because I like to help people, I was going to study psychology, one day become a therapist, maybe even a doctor.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: As is true for many people entering college, the decline of my faith began.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It started by a couple days a week and I wouldn't journal.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then I never journaled, then I never prayed, and I never went to church anymore.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't talk to my family much anymore either.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't cool or supported by others, and it was just a slow fade away from Christ.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was a gradual descent into the secular world.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: But the secular world was pretty fun.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was dating a guy from high school, and I was in love with him.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: He moved to Colorado and we stayed together.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: We saw each other only when he came home on the weekends.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: We chatted often, especially when I traveled to tournaments.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I began drinking with some friends and going to frat parties, which is what you do when you're a freshman in college.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: You explore, you try new things.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing inherently wrong with fraternities or drinking.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It became something I really enjoyed doing.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend at the time came to a couple parties with me and it was great.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: The next time he was in town, he acted like nothing was wrong but left abruptly while I was at class, leaving only a short note behind.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was a breakup note asking me not to contact him anymore, and that it was best for both of us.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: He said that God didn't want us together.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I loved him and I didn't think that was fair that he got to decide what was best for both of us when my heart was on the line, too.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And breaking up with me over a note, I don't think so.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up playing a game of we're together when he was in town, but not when he was away.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those were his choices, not mine, but I was heartbroken enough to comply with his terms.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I knew the decision was wrong, but I loved him, and I didn't think that he would hurt me, even though he already had.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: On a Saturday night around Thanksgiving, I was going out to a frat party with some of my friends from the sorority.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: We were planning to go out and drink for a while and dance, and then come back and watch movies.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: They invited me to spend the night since I wasn't a member.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we all went out and had some drinks.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was missing my boyfriend, so I called him.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I must have interrupted him and another girl on a date because he was very short with me.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: He told me not to talk to him again.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I did find out later that he had been seeing someone else while he was in Colorado, and that was the reason for all the breakups and weekend meetups.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: He said that we weren't right for each other and that I should just let him go because he had already let me go.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: He said a lot of hurtful things, and I was very upset when I got off the phone with him.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting outside by myself.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: A very attractive guy came up and sat beside me.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: He saw that I was upset and he inquired.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: He seemed interested and listened to what I had to say.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: He gave me a hug, and he told me that this guy was an idiot and that I should come dance with him and forget about how my now for real ex-boyfriend.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We talked for a bit longer and I stopped crying.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: He said, You stay here, take a few deep breaths, and I'll grab you a drink.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then we can go inside and dance, and we'll have some fun and forget all about him.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Forgot was the right word.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any way to prove it, other than realizing his reputation months later, but I'm almost positive he slipped a date rape drug into my drink.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: He was older than me and saw just how vulnerable I was.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: He was kind to me the whole night and easily gained my trust with his genuine smile and his kind eyes.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I finished my drink around ten, and the next thing I remembered was it was three AM.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: The party was over.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was raining and very cold.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Let's go back to my place.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it was the rain or Jesus himself that snapped me back into momentary consciousness, but I said, No.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm supposed to be back at the sorority house with my friends.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: They'll miss me if I'm not there.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: He pressed and I began to stumble away.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I caught he caught up with me and said, Okay, all right, I'll take you back.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I felt relieved.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be one of those girls who had a horror story to tell.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I got back to the sorority and I said bye and immediately went upstairs to my friend's room.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I relaxed and laid down.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I had taken my earrings and necklace off, then another friend came upstairs.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: She said my date for the evening was still downstairs and wanted to give me a hug and kiss good night.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: She said it would be rude if I didn't go back down since he was a nice guy.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: He was one of her friends.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I did.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: He's trustworthy, she insisted.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I only remember scenes after this because I was still drunk and drugged, and amnesia is very common with trauma.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: We walked back to his house in the pouring rain and he raped me.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was very confused and embarrassed, still so vulnerable from my breakup, and then to be raped in the same night.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: What what was going on?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I thought he was a safe person.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: After that happened, I remembered praying to God, Where are you?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What was that?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were supposed to protect me.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I told him no, I was back home.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: How did I get here?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't sleep the rest of the night.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just laid awake listening to him breathing in my ear.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: My heart rate had to have been through the roof, and finally, like promised, the sun came up and I left.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I opened my comfortable dorm room door never to be the same.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: The years that followed, they're somewhat of a blur.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel I could tell my parents or anyone because I was afraid of the consequences that would follow.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I really like to be a role model, remember?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: After all, it had to have been my fault, right?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was underage.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: If I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: That was a naive thought.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It would have happened just to someone else.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: When someone has an agenda for evil, it will always be carried out.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't in heaven yet, so evil's allowed to walk on the earth as well as good.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: The shame and embarrassment of this event were so intense that I didn't leave my dorm room except for class and golf.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiety bogged me down to the point where I was afraid to even go to the hall and eat.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I thought everyone was an attacker, and I thought everyone knew what had happened to me.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't sleep much and I cried often, and I wrote like I needed it to survive.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: My walls became filled with note cards of Bible verses manically written.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't pay attention in class because I was journaling so much, although I passed my classes with really good grades somehow.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: My friends didn't notice anything was wrong with me, which deeply hurt my feelings.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was so in tune with their lives, but they didn't notice that my whole world had just gotten shattered.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I needed help, but I felt completely alone, and I felt God was apathetic.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: He was a million miles away.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationship changed so drastically that night, and I was embarrassed and angry.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even want to believe in him anymore.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Part of the draw of attending Baker for me was the opportunity to live in the countryside in Grantham, England, in a mansion called Harlixon Manor for a semester in travel.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I decided I couldn't stay on campus any longer, and that I needed to get out of this suffocating town that was Baldwin City.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: That fall I jumped on a plane and had the semester of my life.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was absolutely incredible to be able to travel and see the world.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: One thing that I adore about travel is that it makes you and your problems seem so small.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're just one person in a world of billions and millions hurting.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes getting a new perspective helps you realize that.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I traveled to France, Italy, Scotland, Ireland, Poland, and all around the UK.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was busy seeing new things and actually had fun.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to push any thoughts of the trauma out of my mind, but repressed memories will always seep back out.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I began having intense nightmares five to seven times a night of the event, or of my family being hurt or killed.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Recurring dreams of being trapped in places I couldn't get out of, or the one that makes me the most scared to think about now is one of a serpent.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: The room was always black, but somehow I was able to see him.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It had the most gorgeous blue eyes and most calming voice, though I could never comprehend what it was saying.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was mesmerized by them.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow I was able to look away, and when I looked down, I could see how tight of a grip the serpent actually had on my body.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would wake up sweating with a high heart rate, breathing incredibly shallow.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't be until later, after I started going to therapy, that I realized I was having panic attacks, and that all these dreams were indicators of unresolved trauma.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: When I arrived back in Baldwin City, I had somewhat of a clearer head.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: This guy was no longer on campus, so I felt better.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I still felt unsafe and trusted no one, though.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I had actually convinced myself that this had never happened.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I told myself that I was drunk and I didn't have a clue.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really remember if it had happened, so it probably didn't.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that I should just put on a new face.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Besides, I was probably so upset about my ex breaking up with me that this was just a dream.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I convinced myself that all of the emotion and heartbreak that I was feeling was from that breakup.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: On the first day of classes, a professor who I now consider one of my dearest friends asked, Becca, you just returned from Harlixon.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: How's your grief?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I nearly started crying.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was at that moment when I realized a person can grieve things that are not death.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: She inadvertently told me what was going on inside of my own heart and head the last nearly year.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Grief.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was grieving what I had lost at night, and yes, I was grieving Harlixon.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I still am, and I can't wait to go back someday and take Kyle and our baby.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Grief encompasses five stages, and one of those is depression, which was where I resided for years.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: She suggested to our class that we should consider going to counseling because even if we didn't need it right now, it would provide us with a way to cope in the future and for us to know that counseling can work and it's not as scary as we make it.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I took her advice and started seeing one of our counselors every week.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really want to see a male counselor, but he had a reputation for being the best, and he was a Christian.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Something powerful inside of me said, Go, it's going to be okay.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: After months of silence, was that God?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Did he just tell me to go?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I guess so.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: My counselor asked me why I came in, and I made some reason up.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember what it was.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't going to just tell someone I had just met that I was raped and I couldn't hardly function anymore, that I was numb beyond belief, and I didn't know how I was going to be able to graduate.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's to thank for helping me graduate, and I truly see Baker in a different light, and I still adore the town in school.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have thousands of fabulous memories of my alma mater.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: For around a year, I made up excuses and I kept coming back to see him, but my anxiety and depression were incredibly evident to him.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: After all, he'd been a counselor for over 25 years.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So we worked on those.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I filled out a sheet one day, a year later, over body image, and he looked at the results and smirked and said, You're gonna have to try harder than that to impress me.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're on very good terms, and I did trust him.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, besides my parents and a couple professors, he was the only person in the world I felt like I could trust.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was afraid to tell him though, but I practiced all week and mustered up the courage to whisper, to whisper the story to him.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I dreaded his response.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I could hardly look at him.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: He just listened intently to me speak, and when I finished, he said, Were you hurt?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't think so.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Is he still on campus and do you feel safe?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I said, No, he's not on campus and safe.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I guess since he's not here, I'm okay.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: We spent the remainder of that session going back and forth with questions like that.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: He told me when I was leaving that he was going to let me have the driver's seat, not push me on the topic.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, if I wanted to get the police involved, the option was there.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or if there was a week that it was too hard to talk about it, we would just do something else.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's a strange phenomenon in psychology where seasons of the year, songs, smells, etc., can remind you of a trauma and trigger an emotional response.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: When I told my counselor what had happened, I couldn't remember much about it because I had tried to block so much of it out of my mind.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: But it had been nearly two years, and I knew something bad had happened in the fall, which made sense to me why fall and winter used to be such difficult seasons for me.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: As he listened to me tell the story over and over, new details emerged, and some of the missing pieces flooded my mind like a bad movie.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: The semester prior, something else major in my life happened.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was introduced to my now husband Kyle.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's our family too.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Immediately after our first interaction, I felt myself longing to trust him.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to, he seemed so safe and so kind.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just couldn't let myself go there, though.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: How could I trust that he wasn't going to hurt me too?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: There was just something about him that I couldn't shake.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: He was calm and steady and consistent.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: He put me first and protected me from the first night that we met.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard for me to relax with him still, and hard for me to feel free to be myself.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: It took quite a while to knock these walls down, and I prayed for God to send me a man exactly like Kyle, and I was terrified when he did.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Unlike what my anxious mind was making me think, Kyle never expected anything from me.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: He values me for who I am, loves that I nerd out over school, especially psychology.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm a total music nut.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: He loves it.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: He's never tried to change my passions, only pushed me to be better at them.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's an answered prayer.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: My counselor was the first person I'd told about the trauma.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I told him no one else ever needed to know.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Good one.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was none of their business, simply not worth myself being so vulnerable.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: After all, the wounds were still wide open, especially after telling him.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't push the issue, only continued to assure me that I'm safe, and this decision doesn't need to be made right now.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was nearing November, and Kyle and I had been dating around a year and a half at this point.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's no question that I loved him and that he loved me, but there was something between us, this emotional wall that he didn't know about, but he could sense.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like there were things Kyle just didn't understand about me, why I would react certain ways, and why I couldn't even take a nap around him.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I told my counselor, and he said maybe it is time to consider letting him in all the way to your life.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I expressed my concerns, mainly the ones full of fear of him leaving me or hating me because I had this experience, especially since I didn't tell him for so long.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I considered it for a couple of days, and again, that same annoying nudge I had earlier felt that I had felt earlier saying that I should trust my counselor, saying I should trust Kyle was there again.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I prayed about it, and even though I didn't feel I communicated with God the same way anymore, I knew he was there listening.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Kyle came to Baldwin one night to visit me and he brought Chinese food so we could have a date night.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: I could hardly breathe while he was there.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly couldn't focus on anything but what I had to do.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: He was none the wiser.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: We sat down to eat and watch our favorite show.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was going to throw up.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: He asked what was wrong and why I wasn't eating, and I just started to cry.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: He stared at me puzzled.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I got up and turned the TV off and sat across from him.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I have to tell you something that's eating away at me.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I told him this story.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: He listened intently as I stumbled through, sitting patiently while I cried and caught my breath, never interrupting once.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I was finished, he looked at me with the most compassion-filled eyes and said, Were you hurt, my love?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't think so.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he put his arms wide out, said, Come give me a hug, sweetie.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know that couldn't have been easy for you to tell me, and I'm so proud of you.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're safe with me.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I will always love you and I'll always protect you.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: What a relief.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiety makes you think the worst situation is always going to happen.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when you've been burned once, you think that will always happen that way.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: But we have a God who loves and cares about us and our needs, and there's no question in my mind that Kyle and I were meant to be together.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after Kyle asked me to marry him.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I still had a long way to go in processing this trauma, but I knew that I finally had someone in my corner, someone who knew, someone who I loved, treated me no different after finding out.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I continued to have panic attacks, and Kyle suggested that I get a therapy dog.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't ever really like dogs.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: The dogs we always had growing up, they were great, but they were outdoor dogs and they always smelled.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'm sure they were good boys and girls.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I considered it for a month or so and decided that I would get a dog.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like any of the therapy dogs we looked at, so I looked at the rescue shelter, and that's when I saw the dog I would name Avery.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: He's one of the happiest and most thankful beings on the planet.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: He somehow seems to know when I'm sad or when I'm in a really happy mood, and he's so full of love and snuggles, and he always makes me feel better.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I told my family about the trauma a year ago, and that was also a terrifying experience, but they reacted just the same.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Full of love and compassion.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: This truly helped to heal me.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I felt things were finally turning around.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: God was still hard to connect to at times, but I knew he was there.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: God and I still had things to sort out, but I was able to do that while playing drums through the music and lyrics.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: God worked at God worked and healed my heart through the music.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I used to play from a place of sadness and just begging God to even turn my way.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know he does, and I play from a place of joy and thanksgiving.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: He would protect Kyle and I, and I know this.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: This event as a whole brought me closer to my family, and certainly my husband.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of a severe mercy, as horrible as a time as it was to heal, I would never trade this experience.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: What Satan intends for evil, God truly can use for good, and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to help other men and women in my situation one day when I'm a counselor.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is something that has to be done, and after all, God forgave us.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: I wrestled with the idea of forgiving my attacker for years, and I decided it was time to finally be free of him and all the thoughts.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: After all, he could never repay what he took, even if he wanted to.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter if he's sorry, it wouldn't change a thing.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote a letter of forgiveness to him about three months ago, and I have felt truly and finally free from this experience.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the thoughts come back into my mind at times, but like Andy Stanley says, forgiveness is a daily decision to cancel a debt that can never be repaid, to turn it to Christ and no longer dwell on it.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thoughts of that night can no longer hurt me.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: The nightmares can no longer hurt me.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've turned them over to Christ and look forward to the day where justice is served not only to him but on others who have been attackers.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: God will not treat them lightly, but this is no longer my worry concern.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: I trusted him to take care of it.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I trust him to take care of those who don't feel they can speak up just yet.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I've turned it over to God, and I feel at peace and free from depression for the first consistent time in years.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of April this past year, I found out Kyle and I were expecting a baby.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: I could hardly contain my excitement, and we really wanted to keep it a secret and surprise my family after I had gotten out of the first trimester, which would have been around July.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: While we were on vacation for their anniversary, I was so thankful to God to be able to provide some good news to my family after dropping an emotional H bomb on them just a few weeks prior.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I began to plan and pick names, and Kyle and I were so excited, even planning what new vehicle I would get.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up in the middle of the night at the end of May with some of the most excruciating cramps and back pain that I'd ever had, and there was a lot of blood.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was around eight weeks pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was an emotional disaster, and I felt myself going into panic mode again.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Was this trauma worse than the last?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening to my body?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: It hurt.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: God, please protect my baby, please.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: He allowed my body to have a miscarriage.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to be alone.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to see anyone.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was way too hard to even look Kyle in the eyes.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like a failure as a woman.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I began to cope in the same way I did before.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: With seclusion and sadness.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I lashed out at those closest to me and ignored God, but I decided I couldn't handle disaster and trauma in this way anymore.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's unhealthy and not biblical, and it's not fair to my spouse.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: God wants us to share one another's burdens.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: We're to lift each other up when we can't stand on our own.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: We both told our families, and that was another terrible day.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: It hurt so bad to look them in the eyes and say that I was pregnant and now I'm not.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: I became depressed again.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Mourning over what could have been, trying to stay connected to God was difficult until I had this realization that my whole faith is based on the Son of God dying and coming back to life.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Surely he understands this.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Surely he understands the pain of loss.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're in good company with these feelings of loss.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when I finally made this realization, things turned around.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I was devastated still, but you can be devastated, disappointed, depressed, anxious, and still love God and trust and obey him.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: His will will always be above ours, even when it doesn't seem fair or just.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: We can trust that he is good.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Kyle and I decided to name our baby, and we believe that we'll see him again in heaven.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: We believe that we have another guardian angel watching over us.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Another blessing God has given Kyle and I is that our families are very strong believers, and they're so loving and quick to pray and turn things over to Christ.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: After Kyle told his parents I went over the next day, Carrie and Vicky both stopped what they were doing and came over to give me a hug.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: They both held me while I cried, assuring me it was going to be alright.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: My parents did the exact same thing.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even though events like this are difficult to bear, they're impossible alone.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I won't go through heartache alone anymore.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: God is faithful in his promises, overwhelming with his love, and truly wants us to come to him where we are.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: He provides unexpected friendships and opportunities, like playing in the worship band, and the ability to use my story to hopefully help others someday.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: I always thought that if you're a Christian, you don't have doubts about God.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get mad at him, and you certainly don't have to hurt because he's right there with you.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one that always gets me is that mental illness is nonexistent if you're a Christian.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite bands is Tenth Avenue North.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: The lyrics to their songs are so touching and made me feel like it's okay to be depressed and it's okay to be anxious because God loves you just the same.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: He isn't looking for perfection like anxiety demands.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: He isn't looking for us to be happy all the time like depression suggests.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many songs that have helped me on this journey in the last six years of theirs, but the one that is my favorite is called Times.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: The closing tag says, I hear you say, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside and it's in between.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you question, is this for real?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: The times you're broken and the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside and it's in between.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: These times you're healing and when your heart breaks, and the times that you feel that you've fallen from grace, the times you're hurting and the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: In times of confusion and chaos and pain, I'm there in the sorrow under the weight of your shame.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm there through your heartache, and I'm there in the storm.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: My love, I will keep you by my power alone.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care where you fall or where you've been, I'll never forsake you.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: My love never ends.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I truly believe that.