Latest / Harder Than Life / 87: Rewire Your Brain, Transform Your Life w/ Kate Kali

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87: Rewire Your Brain, Transform Your Life w/ Kate Kali · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:15
  Welcome back to the Harder in a Life show. I can't believe I get to do this. I get to have incredibly vulnerable conversations with beautiful badasses. Today, Kate Kalli is a hypnotherapist, body language expert, and face reading practitioner. Oh, and by the way, she happens to have a Mastery for Men class that is out of this world. Visit KateKalli.com.
• 0:39
  for all of our classes. In doing show prep, I find myself going down a rabbit of a whole content that was full of love and softness. This is going to be electric. Let's vibe, my dear. Amazing, I'm so excited to be here, thank you. So there's tremendous depth and diversity to you. What is your main claim to fame and how did you arrive here? What, and lastly, I just saw this little tidbit. What inspired you to start this work in high school?
• 1:08
  Oh, in high school. So I, I had a realization when I was 14, I was laying in bed and a family member was actually struggling with a potentially terminal illness. And I don't know exactly how to explain it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I was like, Oh, well, you know, the body can heal itself.
• 1:31
  And so I just, I started studying energy healing of all things. And I knew then that that was, that was like my path and my mission. And I studied all around the U.S. And I started seeing clients when I was 16. So that was my high school job. So I kind of started in the ethereal realm. Like I wasn't even touching things.
• 1:51
  bodies. It was just going into a room when I was 16 on the weekends. And I just learned how to do that. And it kind of just progressed from there. Then I got really into somatic body work. So I started studying how trauma is held in the body. And that was my first business. Well, I guess technically my second business when I was 19 is I was actually releasing trauma from the body
• 2:15
  So I went from the ethereal into the body. And then my next step after that was hypnotherapy, which I love because that's like the mind. And that's like where we get really into, you know, the subconscious and where the patterns are, are held. And somehow I think it was TikTok was the reason I started working with men. I've always loved men. Like I've always, like, I love dating people.
• 2:39
  you know, I love sex. I love like, I love touch. I love relationships. I love love. I love all the things. And I was just noticing how, you know, there's such a weird, I'm sure you can speak to it even better than I can, but there's a weird dynamic going on with men right now with the Me Too movement and, you know, even feminism and different things where
• 3:01
  Men are confused and there's a lot of highly sensitive men that don't know they're highly sensitive. And I just, I started speaking about it on Tik TOK and it blew up. And I think that to answer your question in its entirety, that was, that kind of led to my claim to fame was working with men in that way. So you never went to college? No. Self-taught self-figured out. I like that. So you went, I love, love. I say that all the time. Is there,
• 3:31
  Some childhood trauma that you had to overcome because with me, I didn't get any love. Like there was there if there was a love container like I owe love still from my childhood. Oh, yeah. I've done all the work. And we're going to deep dive into hypnotherapy because I think that's the one modality that really changed my life.
• 3:52
  So really? Yeah, it was. And it just happened by half a stance. So but is there is there a childhood? I went deep dive through your stuff. I didn't see anything about your childhood. Is there a story there that you'd like to share so people understand why you're on the Heart of Life podcast, what you've been through? People love to hear about I hate talking about my childhood, not because I
• 4:14
  It's just not who I am anymore. I've healed it. And I want to go into the next step. Let's start from here. Let's go forward. I was physically and emotionally abused. Absolutely no love. Parents were alcoholics, never around. I've forgiven them. I've done all the work you can do. And it started in hypnotherapy. So we're going to deep dive in that. But is there a story that you'd like to share with the listeners, the harder than life listeners, that makes you harder than life? Yeah, absolutely. My harder than life story happened a little bit later. So my childhood was filled with anxiety.
• 4:44
  the complex trauma. And there is a distinction for the listeners between complex trauma and, you know, quote unquote, regular trauma that results as PTSD. So PTSD is from, you know, sexual abuse, physical abuse, like you said, having alcoholic parents, things that are more poignant, things that are a one time, and it can be ongoing, but something that happens that you can really point to it and it affects the neurology in a certain way.
• 5:12
  Whereas complex trauma is, it's sneaky. It's trauma that's happening over a period of time that shapes your personality. It shapes how you filter the world, but you kind of don't know it. It's like the, I almost think about it as like, you could take a shot of alcohol, you know, a shot of hard alcohol. That's like the PTSD, but complex trauma is like, you have a mixed drink and you don't know the alcohol's in there.
• 5:37
  You don't quite know what's happening. So I, it's less interesting to talk about my childhood. I had all this complex trauma. My dad, who I love very much, and we've healed quite a bit, basically didn't want to have kids. You know, he didn't want to have kids. He wasn't around. So I didn't have a father figure. And so that was part of the complex trauma.
• 5:57
  My mom had some stuff going on that developed into a measurement trauma. I later realized, but I didn't know any of this. So I ended up marrying somebody when I was 21. Don't recommend it. Don't get married when you're 21. But I didn't know because of my traumas that I didn't even know were existing. And we had a baby. And when I was
• 6:22
  Well, when my son, when my son was three and I was married, we got pregnant and I was three months pregnant and he basically drained all of our finances, shut off our water, canceled my health insurance and my kids' health insurance and completely peaced out, left the country. And so, and I wasn't working at the time. So I had no money, no health insurance, nowhere to live, nothing. I was like $30,000 in debt.
• 6:49
  and I'm pregnant and I'm sick and I have this three-year-old and he's gone. And I was just like, fuck. So that was my harder than life moment, but it was in that moment that it felt like such rock bottom. And I was like, okay, this is rock bottom. There was this strange, almost undercurrent of creativity and expansion in that.
• 7:17
  that was like, well, if this is, if everything is gone, everything was taken from me in a moment, like my entire future, the marriage, the everything, everything, everything. And I wasn't even working at the time. I was like, well, what do I want to create? And that's how I found hypnotherapy was because I listened to a hypnosis and I, and I started picturing my life of like, well, if I could ask for anything, what do I want? And what would that feel like? And how would I know? And how would I talk? And how would I dress? And
• 7:44
  and sort of everything shaped around that. Man, I was looking forward to this. You just went deep. We're seven minutes into this and you're right into the nitty gritty. So I love it. We're going to go right with that. What was the number one lesson that you learned? You know, I was going to tee you up and I'm going to just ask you, what's the number one lesson you learned from that marriage? From that marriage, what was the number one lesson I learned? That's a good question. I would say that...
• 8:15
  I learned how much people project overlays based on how they're wired from childhood onto their, how they view people that they're in relationships with and how they perceive and expectations and, and how, when you're not aware and you're not doing the inner work of how you're wired and how you're actually taking in information through your five senses,
• 8:41
  it can really mess you up because you're actually, you're not perceiving things in truth. You're perceiving things through altered states of consciousness, of child consciousness. And we think of ourselves as one person, like I'm Kate and I'm here. But if, you know, if I were to be triggered, I would switch personalities, so to speak, because my awareness would go into different parts of my neurology. And that's what happens so often.
• 9:07
  in relationships, in marriages, because we're, we're wired to be a tribal species. We're wired to connect with people and we're wired to be close and intimate and in love. And when you're not looking at, at, you know, the particularities of how you're wired around that from complex trauma and regular trauma, you end up in situations where you actually have to disassociate oftentimes just to stay in things. You have to create lies. Yeah.
• 9:34
  And we can, I mean, I could talk forever about this, about how our minds create lies and where that comes from.
• 9:40
  Oh, man, I'm so glad you're on the show. I say I put it produced a lot of content about thoughts or magical lies, man, with the things we tell ourselves to survive and cope is insane. And that you went right where I thought you were going to go with that. And I'm going to take it a step further. And you can feel free to correct me because I'm going to put words in your mouth, which is this is own your shit. You looked at yourself. You didn't give a crap about what he was doing and about what was that. It was, hey, what did I do to attract this?
• 10:06
  let's say emotionally unavailable. And sounds like it was an avoidant. If he ran, things got, things got tough and you looked at yourself and said, how do we, that's the heart and life journey right there. You just said it. That's exactly what I did. I didn't sit back here and woe is me. My parents didn't love me. I'm going to be a piece of crap. As all my friends from high school or mostly debtor in jail. And I could have done the same. And I just said, Nope, I'm going to go work on me. And then,
• 10:34
  Here I am interviewing you. Did you say you have two children? Yeah. And they never get to see their dad? Well, since then, we've done some reconciliation, so he sees them sometimes. But he's not, you know, he's not really present. And it is something that I, you know, of course, I would want him to be more involved and more present to that.
• 10:56
  But I look at it the same way as you. It's like, well, I take 100% responsibility, if not more, for marrying him. And this is like the karmic cleanup from that because it was my choice to marry him.
• 11:11
  And of course we can look at it and say, yeah, but like you married him because this shit that happened in your childhood. So you couldn't see it clearly. But yeah, I also chose to create those lies as a child for survival and for self-love. And so the most self-loving thing I can do is just to keep owning it and claiming it. And like, I just think the more embodied and the deeper you can, you can just show up for the good stuff and the bad stuff. It's like, that's, that's where life is. Like, what else are you doing if you're not showing up for both?
• 11:41
  karmic cleanup. I love it. You're fabulous. Guys, you guys got to go to her website. I said it in the show notes, the intro. They'll be in the show notes, but she has a ton of courses that you can just access immediately. They're very affordable. You can hear her
• 12:03
  genuine, soft, gentle, and compassion delivery. We're going to deep dive into this even more, but I can tell I've done a ton of work. Now that I'm an expert, you've forgotten more about this, but for some reason, when you do a lot of work on yourself, you can spot other people that did a lot of work on themselves, and then you can see through BS, and then you attract better. So that's what the beauty part about doing the work is.
• 12:26
  does so um the two you said you had a son which was the the youngest one or the older one did you have a girl to complete the set or no i did yes so i have a 10 year old boy and a six year old girl
• 12:40
  And then, and so I'm going to invade your privacy for just a second. You have two boys or a boy and a girl, 10, six, you released a reel that I just, I binged on. It was a 15 minute something where you're talking about, and I probably stealing some later notes that I have talking about how much you love, love. And this was about a year ago. And you're like, I want to date all of you. And you're like, not, not realistically, but metaphorically in the last year, putting out this kind of content, have you been able to attract people?
• 13:07
  a partner or have you still continued to push away the ones that aren't for you? I, yeah, I think the one that you're talking about was I had broken up with somebody that I was very, very in love with purely based on, I sat in meditation one day.
• 13:25
  And I was like, if I'm going to work with men, I need to access my masculine within me. And I can't do it if I'm leaning on this person's masculine. And he wasn't bad. I mean, he was really great. And so I ended that relationship and I had this huge expansion. I didn't date for a while. I launched the men's course. I started working with a ton of men.
• 13:48
  And then since then, so I view relationships a little bit differently at this point in my life where like, I'm not necessarily looking for that one person. I'm not overlaying, like I don't desire to get married. I don't desire to have one person. I desire authenticity and I desire growth and I desire play and I desire fun and I desire learning. And so I show up
• 14:12
  for that, but I don't ever have like a time limit on it. So I've had, I've had two like really great loves in the last couple of years that were like medicine for my heart, you know, and they both ended and that's okay. Well, geez, I was about to break my own rule. I was about to say you're a lot and you're not, you're a lot.
• 14:34
  for people that are not or that are a little that that haven't done the work so i find it incredibly attractive when people have done work on themselves it is refreshing you're not going to have the same old silly insecure arguments where the childhood wounds are banging against each other but you've
• 14:55
  Interesting paths to get here. And I found it fascinating that you are an expert at face reading and body language. So could you explain how face reading works and what one might learn from it?
• 15:11
  Absolutely. So, you know, I started with the energy healing and looking back on it, I didn't realize it then, but I was reading subconscious patterns. I was just doing it intuitively. When I learned hypnotherapy, it's subconscious. And for those of you that don't know what subconscious means, it's like if you imagine an iceberg.
• 15:30
  And the very tip of the iceberg is your conscious mind. So this is like the thoughts that you're aware of. This is the decisions, the choices, the behaviors that you're aware of. It's about 5% of who you are on a daily basis. So we kind of think we're in control of our lives and we're really not. It's being run by a set of programs that is beneath the tip of the iceberg. And that's what the subconscious is called. And so,
• 15:54
  Being hyper obsessed, we could call it, with the subconscious and with how the patterns are formed and how to change those patterns and how to actually reach your hands into your own mind and rewire from a place of free will those patterns so that the patterns that you want become automated, just became an obsession. And that's where face reading and body language came in because face reading is...
• 16:17
  is, is fascinating, weirdly, weirdly accurate and pair it with body language is even more accurate. So what I got really good at with face reading is where, um, subconscious emotional patterns are held in the lines and wrinkles of the face.
• 16:35
  So I, yeah. So I usually don't share this with people. I've been on, I've been on dates with people before where they have been like, well, oh, I saw your work, you know, face read me on like a first date and I'll do it and they'll start crying.
• 16:52
  And this is not an uncommon thing to happen. So anyway, so with face reading, some of it is based off of like Paul Ekman's work, where the micro expressions. And so when we have a lot of micro expressions of something that we're not consciously aware of, those show up as lines, as wrinkles on the face. And then of course, it's also an ancient Chinese practice because it's Chinese face reading. And so that helps me as a practitioner
• 17:20
  When I'm working with somebody, I can see their subconscious without them even speaking it. And then if I do speak it, let's say I'm like, oh, interesting. Are you carrying grief from childhood? Or did something happen when you were five? Or, you know, whatever it is. Then based off of how their body language reacts to that, then I have a very complete picture within 30 seconds of somebody. And it's accurate. Yeah, your picture is blurry, but...
• 17:50
  Riverside must be giving us a little problem. So I'll do my best to lean into it. Lean into it. So yeah, come closer. Take off your hat. So, so one of the face reading things that jumps out at me the very, very most is that you have, you have a really nice forehead. So the forehead is actually, which totally checks out expanded thinking.
• 18:18
  very, very broad thinking. There's some, there's a little bit I see of like an extrapolative forehead. So you can kind of like pull ideas together and make them your own. And can you actually pull back your hairline? Hey, I'd like to show that. Look at all this hair. I'm 48 years old. Look at all this hair. Well, you have very nice hair. Good job. Wait, can you hold it? Can I, can I see it? Can you hold it back? Absolutely.
• 18:44
  Yeah, so there's the extrapolation. And then you can see the difficult relationship with your mom because see how it's jagged here. So there's jagged here and then the extrapolation. I had the extrapolation too, like very extrapolative. Hold on a second. Did I say, I don't believe I said that it was my mom. I said parents and you just grabbed mom right off of that. Did you figure that out? Was there something in the face reading that did that? Yeah, like the jaggedness.
• 19:13
  You know, and I could keep going like, what's that? Unless you read my book and get to get all that. No, I didn't. I read, I read your bio last week. And then it's hard for me to see that so much information is held in the eyes and the eyebrows. And I, and it's hard to tell, like, if you have, do you have just, you have two lines here, right? In between your eyebrows. Yeah. Right here. Yeah. So that's impatience. Me?
• 19:43
  Yeah. And so depending on how deep the lines are. I work on listening more and being patient and moving slower because nothing moves fast enough for me. Nothing. I just I want to go run through the wall, take over the world and go, go, go, go, go. So, yeah, that's funny. So let's go. Let's keep going. Let's talk about body language. What body language cues that reveal more than words do?
• 20:13
  I mean, body language, it's such an in-depth practice, but essentially the body never lies. You know, we were talking about lies. The mind lies all the time. So it's the prefrontal cortex. It's the part of the human brain that basically differentiates us from animals in the wild. We have this really beautiful, colorful, creative part of our brain that can think into the future and create different versions of ourselves and place meaning on things. And we get to choose that.
• 20:40
  but that part of the brain that is beautiful and colorful and human is the exact same structure of the brain that generates lies. And so, right. So it's the same thing. It's like that double-edged sword. You can have something happen to you.
• 20:55
  and be like, oh shit, that's because I'm not good enough. That's why that happened. That's a meaning that you've placed on it and a lie. It's both. So you could tell yourself a different meaning. Well, this happened to me because universe is guiding me towards the best thing ever. It's also a randomized meaning and it's also made up. So all of that to say,
• 21:18
  that with body language, the body does not lie because the body is the subconscious. The body will always react first. The body will show what the nervous system is doing long before words do. So when you're watching for body language, you're watching for one, it has to be in context with what people are saying, what's their body doing. Is it congruent? Is it not congruent? And this is what I teach
• 21:47
  men partially in the program is like, you know, men are like, well, I want to meet women. I want to be more confident. It's kind of useless to teach people to be more confident. Cause yeah, like, you know, you can lean back, you can like, you can take up space, you can put your foot up on the, on the table and you can, you can exude confident body language, but it requires too much willpower to actually hold it. If you subconsciously believe that you are not confident,
• 22:15
  So the real work around body language is teaching people congruency. I believe that I'm confident. I know that I'm confident. I am confident. It becomes your identity.
• 22:26
  And I don't remember your question, but I think it was some body language. No, you did. I said, what's the body language? And you just answered. You said, is it, you congruent with what you're saying? It's, it's fascinating. I had to teach myself this at a very young age. I had to watch, excuse me, my, my, my father and my mother's, uh,
• 22:45
  mannerisms when they walk in drunk and know am I getting my ass kicked or not um and then I if I could see I saw agitated mom or agitated dad I can learn how to diffuse it really as fast as I could I'd get him a beer I'd I'd play records I would
• 23:04
  Or I would just run and hide and pretend like I was sleeping. So I became a master at, sometimes you could tell how they opened the door. I just, and you know what it did? And this is how I framed my life. First of all, we're a top 30 podcast in self-improvement. I've got a successful seven-figure IT company. So I became a great salesperson by being able to read
• 23:31
  body language and nonverbal cues. So the face reading and that's, I have got to see and feel people. So that's why I like, I wish we were in person. I'd get, I'd get more. Where, where are you located? I'm in LA. Oh, nice. Nice. Oh, that's dating. I'm in a right now. I just landed. I live in Florida and in Michigan. So I just got to my Michigan home.
• 23:57
  My company's in Michigan, even though it's nationwide. So I flip-flop from the sun to the cold. I have a 15-year-old daughter that's here in Michigan. So on the weekend, she's at her mom's, and I go to Florida. On the weekdays, I'm here. So I get to – you know, I healed, and a healed young lady's coming from me. So she gets to live the life that I wish I had.
• 24:27
  grudges against my parents. I, you know, they did the best they could with what they had. I'm here. A lot of what they inadvertently taught me, I use today. I'm a big muscular guy because I didn't want to get beat. It's a conversation starter. I walk in the room. Everybody wants to know who the big guy is. I'm 48, still in great shape. People still want to talk to me. It's good times.
• 24:50
  It's like, it's the art of darkness. I mean, that's all we can do, I think as humans is like, obviously, you know, shit and things are gonna happen, but if you can own it so fully back to that a hundred percent responsibility, like you've done, and then you create art from it. You quite live with the birthing process. Like you're creating something that has never existed before you're taking in darkness and you're alchemizing it into like something really beautiful.
• 25:16
  I never thought of that, but you're right. And I'm paying it forward because I want, if I, if I overcame all this, anybody can really. I mean, you know, I went down the same path of addiction and drinking, partying and rock and womanizing. And I just said, there's gotta be something more. And I just quit culture. Didn't hit rock bottom. And that's why I like talking to people like you, because I like people to understand that there's, there's so many more data. You don't have to go to just a therapist anymore. You don't have to take drugs. You don't have to take Xanax. You don't have to take, there's nothing wrong with you. You have drugs.
• 25:45
  feelings. Let's name them. Let's work on them. Let's process them. And let's live life. I called it harder than life. When you get really going on working on yourself, it becomes easier than life because I almost can't make mistakes anymore. I mean, I make mistakes, but I can't go down a bad path because I've got such habits and rituals and modalities that just keep me on the right path. And then I got access to beautiful people like you that if I have a weird feeling or a weird thing and I can't process, I call and go,
• 26:16
  Hey, Kate, what's this? I want to remind you, you have a program coming up. You're just, I resonate with you a lot. So I want to have you on. I wish that you were available when I was looking for somebody. But you have a program coming up that you're going to be launching to teach trauma release method on Instagram and YouTube. Can you tell the listeners about that as well as how do you want them listening?
• 26:47
  From you. And then there's a third question. Sorry, this is all about you because I'm picking up a lot of good energy from you and you, my listeners, I'm putting the stamp of approval on you. So I saw one on one coaching is available.
• 27:04
  But it was like hidden and we had to kind of like message you. So just give me an infomercial. And I'm telling you right now, I don't know you from prior, but I did a deep dive on you. Our schedulers did a deep dive on you. And you're fabulous. You're the real deal. We're going to do more stuff together. So use this as your infomercial that how do you want the Heart of the Life listeners to interact with you? Okay. I will give you the infomercial. I have to backtrack to one thing that you were saying first because you're going to love it.
• 27:32
  there's one face reading trait and it's called emotional acuity. And I can't see it, but I'm sure that you have it. And it's next to your ears and it's like vertical lines that go up and down. Where is it in here? Nope, it's on your face, but it's next to your ears, vertical lines like this. Huh, I have to look for them. I don't, I can't, it's pretty dark in here for some reason. I don't know why my lights are jacked up. Where would I look? Right here. I think I see them right there.
• 28:01
  It's a little bit blurry, but text me a picture later. And what those lines mean are that you've gone through trauma in the past where you've had to develop the skill to be able to walk into a room and read the room really, really quickly for your survival. And it's like a superpower. It's like a trauma that birthed like a superpower. And I love people that have those lines because they're,
• 28:30
  They generally make very good salespeople and they're very perceptive.
• 28:33
  Well, I can tell you right now, I have a sixth sense. I can tell you when something's going to pop up. I grew up in the ghetto, man. I went to high school with Eminem, and his movie, Eight Mile, was exactly how we grew up. So your head had to be on a swivel because you could get shot, stabbed, or beat up in a second. Or nothing. So I walk into a room, I'm looking at everybody and everything, and there's certain times I'd be out and I'd look at my friends like, hey, I'm going to take off.
• 29:00
  But I suggest you guys leave very soon. And they're like, why? And I'm like, I'm just telling you, I can feel negativity going on. And then I leave, someone gets shot. And they're like, man, we left. And thank God we did. And I was like, yeah. I think that that's just, I look at it this way. And this is going to sound weird to most people. I don't know. Maybe you too. But.
• 29:21
  I just believe God has been paving my path to be here today to help as many people as I can. We just passed over 200,000 followers on Instagram. We're launching a coaching program. We are just getting started on how we're going to give back to this universe.
• 29:41
  And I don't care what anybody has to say or what anybody do. We're going to keep coming. We're going to keep trying to help. My backstory was, is, is there's be a big boozer. And I just, the moment I decided to stop with the crutches, life got better. And I just keep creating awareness that, Hey man, life is, is outstanding. And it just keeps getting better. So I keep saying that every time I was, I was shot at, I was stabbed. I was run over. I was beat.
• 30:09
  There's a reason why I'm here, man. There's a reason why I'm here and I'm not going to waste it. And I'm going to give back to everybody and lean and breathe into everybody. So that's my two seconds. So again, tell the listeners how they can, you know, and then we're going to deep dive into hypnotherapy because I'll tell you my story about hypnotherapy and how it literally changed my life. But go tell me how they can work with you. The max bang for your buck, I would say.
• 30:35
  If you're a man and you're listening, you want the good stuff. You want to really heal your past, which is, I mean, you make it sound all hot and sexy, but most men are like, I don't want to do that. You know, they want the end result. They don't necessarily always want to do the work. I make the work very, very fun. I would do the men's program. It works really well. I've had...
• 30:57
  like mind blowing results from people that just do the course and don't even work with me one-on-one and it's only $500. It's actually four 97. It's less than $500 and that's probably going to go up soon. So if you're interested in that, I would get on that now. Cause that's actually, you know, that's how you rewire your entire subconscious to become who you're meant to be and who you want to be.
• 31:23
  So that when you're on your deathbed, you're not like, oh, fuck. Like I didn't, you know, I didn't show up. I didn't access that confidence. I didn't like go for the thing that I really wanted. I wasn't, I didn't allow my masculinity to really enter my body because I was constantly stuck in my head overthinking everything. And I hear that a lot from men that go through that program. If you want the most bang, you do the course and the one-on-one work with me.
• 31:49
  And you can, like you said, I have the one-on-one stuff on my website or you could just message me on Instagram, just send me a DM, say, let me know you wanna do one-on-one work. And the people that I've done both with because they're getting that
• 32:03
  back end of the consistent work with the course. It walks you through all of the steps. And then, you know, with my expertise in body language and face reading and then personal hypnotherapy, it works really well. And then for people that work with me one-on-one, I will record a personal hypnosis. So basically what I, it's really intense because I will, I have extraordinarily keen observation skills. I watch for exactly when they're telling me truth, what they want.
• 32:31
  their words that they use so that it goes straight into their subconscious. I record it with my voice. I edit it, make it super bad-ass with all the binaural beats. So it goes, literally it's like injecting new programs into your subconscious. And then I give them a regimen of how often to listen to it. And it's usually about 21 days. And then it's as needed after that. It's like a prescription. Just so everybody and their grandmother doesn't message you. Sorry. Didn't mean to talk over you. Um,
• 33:01
  Just the, so everyone in their grandmother doesn't message you. What's the, what's the price for the one-on-one coaching? The price for the one-on-one is 1200 for a month and you get four sessions. And then after it's just month to month. Guys, this is, it's the best money you ever, that's the best money you're ever going to spend. And I'm going to tell you right now, you said something. I'm going to read it. It is hot and sexy. It is. There were times that I wanted to crawl out a hole and,
• 33:27
  But it's like anything in life. When you go through difficult times, they don't last, but tough people do. And you keep going. It's like going in the gym. And the first time you work out, it's hard. And your muscles ache. But then all of a sudden, you look in the mirror. And you've got a six-pack. And you're like, whoo! And you're attracted to a different person. So if you want to live your best life, you've got to become the best you. And you will attract people.
• 33:53
  the correct people in your life. And the best part about it is you push away. What's not for you. It's hard to understand that, but you,
• 34:04
  All of a sudden, the universe just, they, oh, heck no. I'm sure that's what happens to you. Every guy that is unhealed come to reach out to you and be like, yeah, no, thank you. So, and that's the unintended benefit of doing the work on yourself. So, you have that trauma release program coming out. And I'm going to assume, this is a big assumption because I did it, that it has to do with hypnotherapy. Correct? Correct.
• 34:28
  Everything that I do always has to do with hypnotherapy. I've found it to be the wildest, best way to induce large states of neuroplasticity so that you can actually experience like that immediate change. Because it is, it's immediate. Even in the men's program, like it starts off with like an immediate gratification of like you notice a difference the second you start.
• 34:51
  And then it's that pleasurable feeling that you get that gives you authentic desire without willpower to like want to reach in and do the more trauma-based work. So with the program that I have coming up, quick story time. I...
• 35:09
  So after all of this with my ex-husband, I was just like super rock bottom. I was like, I don't know who I am. I felt like a shell of a person. If I showed you a picture from when I was married, I don't even look like the same person. Like my bone structure, I'm carrying maybe like 20, 30 extra pounds. Didn't do anything to change the way that I look. It's the inner work. The inner work, when you're embodied, you glow differently. Your body kind of adjusts differently. So...
• 35:40
  I was like, shit, I need to go see a therapist because this is messed up. Like, I don't know how I got myself in this position. And I ended up moving back in with my parents. So I had this newborn and I'm living at my parents and I'm getting re-traumatized with all of this complex trauma. I had no idea it existed, but now I'm there with two kids. I'm postpartum and I'm
• 36:06
  Oh, this is why I had an eating disorder. Because I had an eating disorder all throughout high school as well. I was like, this is why I had an eating disorder. This is why I married this person. This is why my relationships are always messed up. Like kind of putting that reason and piecing the pieces together. So anyway, so I found this somatic therapist, this local somatic therapist,
• 36:26
  And I would go to her and she was not a hypnotherapist, but she would always ask me to close my eyes and feel into my body. And I had zero connection to my body. I was like cut off from the neck down. I didn't even know feeling things in your body was like a thing. It was totally foreign to me. But every time I would close my eyes and she would be like, feel into your body and I'd bring my awareness down, I would start shaking. Like I would start convulging. And there were times where I would be,
• 36:55
  I would end up on her floor, like not just a little bit shaking, like sporadically shaking and sweating, like drenched in sweat or laughing hysterically, or my eyes would start fluttering. Sometimes like my tongue or my occiput, like muscles that I didn't even know existed would start firing. And it happened every time for a year, I went to this woman, I would always end up on her floor and I was like, what the fuck? To the point where I was asking her, I was like,
• 37:25
  have sexual trauma in my past, like that I'm processing. She's like, no, this is all of the complex trauma that's coming out via your body. So this shaking thing became a part of my toolkit. It was like, okay, so when I go through something and I check in with my body,
• 37:41
  If my body and my body is my subconscious needs to rewire something, it's not going to be done through my mind. It's not going to be done through the part of me that thinks that I know what's best. No, it's like my body takes over and it heals it. It knows what to do. It rewires my neurology and it changes even my muscular structure. It's, it's the bizarre feeling ever. And then it started happening like after like hours of love making, like, like long love making sessions and all of that Kundalini would like open.
• 38:10
  And I would start shaking and it would like spontaneously happen. And then it started happening. I would be like working out, you know, I started doing a little bit of strength training. And if I fatigue my muscles enough, it would have the same result. And I was like, well, this is, this is just so interesting. Like I didn't, I didn't share it with anyone. It was just something that I kind of had for myself. I didn't even know it was a thing until I trained with, um, to learn body language. I trained with the, the top interrogator in the CIA and the FBI, um,
• 38:40
  because I wanted to like, you know, get really good at it. And so I went to his seminar and I'm training with him. And at some point during the seminar, he's like, you know, really the best way to improve your body language is to do this thing called TRE, trauma release exercise. And he's explaining it and he's like, it's when your body takes over and it kind of starts convulsion, but it rewires you back to truth, back to like presence.
• 39:04
  And I was like, oh, I think I do that all the time. I just didn't know it had a name. I didn't know it was a thing. And he's like, well, do you want to demonstrate it? So in front of like all these people, he walks me through how he learned TRE and I, and I sat on the floor. This is on YouTube, by the way, Kate Colley on YouTube. It's called, I don't know what it's called. Just type in Kate Colley trauma. I'm sure it'll come up. And yeah,
• 39:28
  For an hour I was shaking and people were recording and this whole thing happened. And then I, I, it was at that moment where I started to realize like, oh, this is something that people need to know because there are so many people sitting and talking about their traumas, talking about what happened to them. And they're not really making the change in the body.
• 39:49
  And so that, so that is a part of the upcoming course where I teach you how to tap into that. Cause there is a, it's nuanced. It's not like you go to yoga class and they're like, okay, shake your body. It's not that it's not conscious. So I teach you how to drop into that subconscious so that you can process shit. You don't even have to know what you're processing because your body does it. And then I pair that with, um, emotional health because people also don't know what
• 40:19
  what the heck to do with their emotions. People demonize anger. They demonize grief. They demonize depression. You know, most people feel an emotion and they're like, oh shit, A, something's wrong. How do I feel better as quickly as possible? And if you're doing that, you're quite literally self-hating yourself. You are rejecting a part of yourself. You're throwing out the gold that is in the midst of that emotion and you're messing up your life. Your emotions are there for a reason. Your body's never gonna do anything against you ever. Ever.
• 40:48
  including every single emotion possible. And if you don't know how to access the gold, and I teach you exactly what the gold is in the course, if you don't know how to access that gold, then either you're going to loop and ruminate in these negative emotions, or you're going to push them away and you're going to disassociate because of it. And then you're going to wonder why you're not satisfied in life.
• 41:11
  So doing the math real quickly, I'm not brainiac, but, uh, you're either 28 or 31. Which are you? Neither. Then I got my math wrong. You said you have a 10 year old. I have a 10 year old. And you were 21. I got, yeah. So I have a 10 year old. I was married when I was 21. I'm 34 right now. Oh, either way, where I was getting at, I was going to pay you a huge compliment. You are, I see you, I can hear you and I feel you, uh.
• 41:40
  Oh, thank you. Extremely intelligent. And I wish there were more women like you doing the work, doing good things. So I'll tell you my hypnotherapy story real quick. And then I want you, but I want you to, I want you to describe hypnotherapy to someone who might be skeptical about its benefits. Hypnotherapy, I think people that are skeptical about hypnotherapy think that they're letting go of control, that they are.
• 42:09
  letting someone else take over that they're going to lose control in some way. And it's actually quite the opposite because you know, how I was explaining we're run by these subconscious patterns. They're running your life. Anyways, what hypnotherapy does is it gives you the opportunity to change and choose those patterns. It's giving you more control to rewire how it is that your subconscious functions on an automated day-to-day basis and,
• 42:36
  so that you can live your life from things that you have control over and that you choose. It also has the ability to change negative memories. And it has the ability to give you
• 42:48
  access to information that otherwise wouldn't be consciously available so that you can heal. I mean, there's just so many benefits to it. I liked about it. This is an info Siegel Marshall for you is that it was not infinite. It was, there was a finite, there was 15 sessions I did. And, and she's like, if, if you got to go much more than 15, then I didn't do my job.
• 43:12
  And, uh, boy, I only needed, I went 15, but I think I only needed four or five. I think we got right to the root of it. And then, so having said that, do you, do you, have you also done EMDR? I have not done EMDR, but I know about it. A good friend of mine does it. And then how about plant medicine? You've done any plant medicine? Yeah. I've done ayahuasca and psilocybin here and there. Just over here in Santa Monica. Yeah.
• 43:41
  Yeah, I have a funny story around that. 45 minutes into this, I'm barely through questions. We're going to keep going and we'll just work. You know what I'd like to do? This keeps talking to me. I'd like to do, because I'm incredibly vulnerable and I will give it to you. If you ever want to do a case study live,
• 44:03
  I'll do it with you. Like anything, cause you'll get, you'll know right away and I will talk about anything, anything you want to talk about. You want to, you want to ask me my deepest, darkest secrets. I don't know. I'll tell you I'm, I'm crazy. I'm freaky. I like to, I like everything. I'll tell every, I don't want to freak, but if you want something, I'll volunteer because I love the expansion of my mind. I love digging into my mind. And I just don't think there's ever going to be an end to it. I, I,
• 44:31
  You know, this weekend, I was around, I officiated a wedding in Fort Lauderdale. I was around a lot of drinking. And I was around some friends that are in the personal development space who were drinking. And I said, why do I feel for them? Why do I care that people are drinking? I don't really care because I live my life. But I want everybody to feel the way I do every day. And I feel bad for these people.
• 44:57
  And I have this massive compassion. So this weekend, all weekend long, I'm like, is there some sort of subconscious trauma that's being activated? So this is the kind of work that I do on myself. I'll write in my journal. Why do I care that people I love are drinking poison to avoid their feelings? Do you want to care a little bit that you know about me? What do you think the hypothesis is of this?
• 45:26
  It would be, I'm not sure exactly what the hypothesis is. I might need to have a little bit more information, but like if we were in a session, I would just, I would have you be like, well, what do you notice in your body? And even as you talk about it, like that feeling of you caring, what do you notice in your body? I can explain that more if you don't know what I mean. So this is gonna actually feed the next question, but I feel superior, euphoric.
• 45:56
  And I feel bad for feeling that way. That's the truth. It's a cheat code, people. Work on yourself. Don't drink. Don't do drugs. Don't avoid the quote unquote hard things because that's where the magic is. Once you look into the abyss and you go right into it.
• 46:20
  Life gets so good. That's why heart of the life exists. I'm telling you. What'd you say? I have a question, but finish what you're saying. I just, you're going to hear me on a soapbox because I want everybody. That's what this all exists for, because I want everybody to feel the way I do. I wake up and I feel fantastic.
• 46:40
  And the day gets better and better and better. I woke up this morning in Florida and now I'm here in Michigan and I get to see my daughter in about an hour. I want to go to the gym or to a grocery shop or to cook dinner. And then I rinse and repeat. I get to do this. This is what I get to do. And I get paid for it. I get to meet fabulous people like you. When I come to L.A., I'm going to freaking hang out. We're going to freaking figure out how to help more people. So what's your question?
• 47:05
  Okay. My question is, that doesn't sound like there's a huge shadow there, to be honest, but if there were to be a shadow, if you could successfully, obviously you can't do this, but if you could successfully get that message across to every single one of your friends that was drinking and they could know it and feel it, feel the truth of your message the same way that you did or the same way that you do, what feeling would that give you that you really want? It would make this...
• 47:33
  Oh, you just got me there. It would make this world a better place. And this is, this is, that's the world I want to live in. I want to live in a united, safe, loving world where we all care about each other. That's a universe that I believe exists. I really do. Once we peel down the greed and the trauma and the addictions and all the masks and
• 48:03
  I believe most people are good. I just do. And that euphoric place is utopia to me. That's like the matrix of what we're trying to create. Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. And if you could have that, if you could successfully create that utopia, that euphoric place, what would be meaningful to you about that? If you could create that? Oof.
• 48:29
  I see you therapizing me on this. And that's an interesting one. There's so there's that goes a web. It would be kind of cool to be the person that was that led the charge. But that that is underlying. The main one is just is just to be able to exist in that.
• 48:46
  construct of of a world that's just what could we accomplish next when putting out a post you didn't get 42 000 people telling you why you're you know obviously i got this big because i did steroids no this is 30 years of working out people you know this is and it's a protection so if i could be in a world where everybody was pushing you what could we create next
• 49:13
  It's this infinite, expansive mind that I have of what is possible. And you'll hear me say this. Impossible only describes a degree of difficulty. So you say if I can create, when I create. It's not me. It's you. It's all of the positive things.
• 49:33
  People that are genuine and authentic and live in their vulnerability and putting themselves out there, even though they're getting their teeth kicked in. I'm sure you get a lot of hate. I'd hate to see how many dick pics are in your DMs. I've already knocked on a lot of wood, but I've never gotten a DM dick pic. Well, darn. You talk about sex so much, darn it. I'm kidding. I mean, I get some weird messages, but no dick pics.
• 50:02
  Oh, my God, I can only imagine. I get weird ones. And I'm just honored to be out in front of people. And I got thick skin and there's nothing anybody's. It's none of my business when anybody thinks about me, so it doesn't bother me. So let's go into some more questions. How does trauma influence addiction based on your experience with clients? That's what I'm all about. So that's why I drink.
• 50:24
  Yeah. And so I'm actually the lead hypnotherapist at a holistic rehab center here in LA. So I'm there once a week. So I've been working with addicts for years. So I'm well versed in this topic too. So how does it
• 50:39
  this is the number one question I get. I, if somebody, I go around somebody and I say, I don't drink, I'm not an alcoholic. I just choose not to drink anymore. I used to drink a lot. I just, I didn't hit rock bottom. There's no story. I just got tired. First question, answering is, I don't have a problem with drinking. I didn't ask you that. So what, how does this trauma,
• 51:03
  this childhood trauma we've been talking about the entire time influenced the addiction that so many people don't have. Right, it's a, yeah, layered question. And then honestly, it goes back to like the questions that I was just asking you. The reason I was asking, I was gonna take it down some more layers and you can do this at home if you're listening.
• 51:23
  If you're triggered around something or you want to dig into it, you ask, well, if I were to get the desired outcome, what's the reason for that? Like, what's meaningful to me about that? And then you take it a layer deeper. Okay, well, if I were to get that, what's the reason behind it? And then you take it a layer deeper. If I were to get that, what's the meaning behind it? Because essentially you're getting down to your programming. Human beings are highly motivated by pain and by pleasure, and we're constantly and automatically motivated.
• 51:49
  making decisions, not on a conscious level, to move away from pain and toward pleasure. And so if you take that into the addiction realm and how trauma influences that, because of what trauma does to your body, and this is, again, it's so, so, so layered. If it's real PTSD trauma, there are literal parts of your nervous system that are frozen in time.
• 52:19
  Because that's what trauma does is it freezes time. And so the way I think about it and like to explain it is like zebras grazing in the grass. Totally chill the fuck out. I say fuck a lot. Sorry. Is that okay? Should I stop? Okay. Okay. Chill the fuck out. And a lion comes out and it starts to attack the zebra. Yeah.
• 52:41
  The zebra is going to get all this adrenaline because the zebra loves itself. The zebra's body wants to survive. That is the, that is the root of self-love and all of its blood flow will go away from digestion towards its extremities. And it's going to run, the lion's going to chase. And then, you know, eventually the lion potentially could catch up. It's going to bite the zebra's neck. And there's a moment where the zebra's mind and body goes, okay, okay.
• 53:10
  This is totally futile. There is no way I'm going to escape this. And the neurology freezes. It goes, I have to accept death right now. And so I'm gonna freeze in time. I'm gonna create some other hormones so that death is not so painful. And I'm going to accept death. And it makes it so that that process is less painful because we're always driven by moving away from pain and towards pleasure.
• 53:36
  Now, let's just say that the lion goes, I'm not hungry anymore, runs away. The zebra is okay. The zebra is well enough to get up and go back to its tribe. The zebra is, and this is the difference between humans and animals in the wild. The zebra is not going to get up and just walk back to the tribe with its nervous system frozen. The zebra is going to do
• 53:59
  the trauma shaking that I, that I teaching in my upcoming course, it's actually going to go through a process where the body and only the body, not the mind, the body knows how to unfreeze time so that every part of its neurology can come back online, can start seeing the bigger picture. Literally it's going to start open up its visual cortex and look around and be like, there's no more, there's no more lion. I'm not going to die. And I have to resume life in real chronological time.
• 54:31
  The nervous system has to process those stress chemicals. The blood flow has to come out of the extremities back into the digestion. And then it goes back to the tribe. And then that zebra will never once have to go see a therapist. Won't develop an addiction and it won't have PTSD and it won't ever become depressed. It just doesn't. It assimilates back into it, back into the body. So when people,
• 54:59
  experienced trauma, we don't do that process. And so if you've experienced trauma when you're five years old and you're not, you haven't processed it, there is a part of your neurology that is frozen in time and running this like unlimited unended loop as if that is still happening. There's a part of you that has accepted death. And if it's real PTSD, the acceptance, it's, I can feel it as I'm talking about it. The acceptance of death,
• 55:28
  It's like it takes your breath away. It's a really intensely fearful, not pleasurable feeling. And so you have to take your mind out of your body, go up into your head, and then you're disassociated. And it's in that gap of disassociation, that's what breeds addiction. I mean, I could keep going. You just blew my mind. I got to tell you that that was exactly what I went through. And on top of it, I didn't care if I lived or died.
• 55:59
  Just I was it just didn't matter. I did. I didn't think I was worthy enough. I think I was going to party and just it did not matter. So that frozen in time, I just kept repeating that. Expect and, you know, preferably drinking the poison, expecting my parents to die until I went back to that frame. I first did it in hypnotherapy. We did it in talk therapy, but I could not. I was stuck. Even said.
• 56:24
  We're done. I can't unstick you. So I called him. I said, hey, I read about this hypnotherapy. Should I do that? He goes, try anything to unstick you. That unstick it stuck me. And then I kind of hit another wall with hypnotherapy. And I went, hmm. So then I went to EMDR. And then that really unstuck me. And then you just said something. That's why I love doing this.
• 56:49
  Then what released it from the body was plant medicine. I didn't do ayahuasca. I did something much less. I don't even, Kana? I don't even know. Just something that went, I think it was Kana. And it just released from my body. And ever since then, I have felt.
• 57:07
  the truest sense of me. And that's when the brand and everything in my business, everything has just gone straight up skyrocketed. So work works. It's fantastic. We are, I have so many more questions. We're in the hour, but I'm going to blaze through. Let's get short answers a little bit because, and I'm going to have to have you back. You're remarkable. And I'm enjoying this conversation. This is a masterclass. Gentlemen, I'm asking you these questions. A, I'm learning.
• 57:36
  B, I'm also testing to make sure that she's the real deal and she's passing flying colors, which you already knew because you're fabulous. And not that I'm the expert, I just am comparing my own experiences. So can you share a success story, leaving out all the details about how hypnotherapy helped somebody overcome addiction as much as we can get done? I'm sorry, as much as we can say. So many stories.
• 58:05
  I would say in particular to addiction, I've used hypnotherapy, gosh, one of the most recent ones was someone addicted to meth. And,
• 58:20
  this was at the rehab center and I'm talking to him and I'm gaining all of the information about, you know, watching where it is that he's tripping up, where it is that he's disassociating. We did, I would say like a five minute hypnosis in a group setting. He didn't even listen to it again to drill down what, where it is that his neurology was acting towards like wanting pleasure and moving away from pain. He goes back home,
• 58:45
  I gave him a couple action steps. And it was because of that hypnosis that he was able to catch himself of move because he had the experience of moving into his body. Something triggered him externally and he found himself about to use. And it was just the having that one hypnotic experience because hypnosis boosts his neuroplasticity. So it's like you've done it a million times, even if you've only done it once. He was able to connect with the feeling in his body that he was running away from.
• 59:15
  extract the underlying need, take action, which is agency. This is what gets lost with addicts and people that have experienced trauma and even depression. We lose agency, access that agency, take action, and just completely sidestep it in a way that he never has before. I have many stories like this.
• 59:37
  That's remarkable. I work with entrepreneurs too. So it's like I work, I kind of, I do the addicts, but then I also have entrepreneurs that are like, I want to grow my business or I want to, you know, I want to get to the next level and hypnosis works the same way.
• 59:51
  With that, because we go back into the past and clear the blocks and then pave the future. And then fucking weird magic shit starts to happen. Let's do... I offer myself up again as a guinea pig for you to do one live so people can see. You tell me what you want to go over. I'll go as deep as you want. Because this shit works, guys. This shit works. And what makes you...
• 1:00:15
  Better in your personal life makes you that much better in business. And people have it wrong. If your personal life is in order, your business is going to be tremendously in order. The reverse is never true. You could be the most, we'd have Michael Jackson or Elvis Presley still here or Prince still here if the reverse was true.
• 1:00:36
  Because you can be uber successful in business, which is usually happens when somebody is traumatic because they'll pump themselves into business, pour themselves into business and neglect their personal life.
• 1:00:47
  If you can make those get balanced and win, you're going to win massively. And she can help you, folks. This is what I'm unpacked. I'll tell you one more. I healed. So I did everything backwards. This is my life. There's probably a line somewhere that says you're backwards in my face that says you're backwards. You know what? I learned the hard way, unfortunately. And that's what I'm trying to teach people is you're going to learn it one way or the other.
• 1:01:15
  Learn it the easy way. Don't learn it the hard way. I learned it the hard way. So I quit drinking just because I figured there had to be a better life. And then all the trauma came out, everything I was masking. I thought all I had to do is quit drinking. Life would get better. It did, but not before it got really, really bad, but not bad in a sense of anything was wrong. It's just, Ooh, I figured out why I drank. And once I,
• 1:01:42
  healed that and and i'm gonna say i healed it i i don't prescribe this it's that i gotta freaking keep i'm gonna keep working on myself i'm never gonna stop it's like working out you don't work out you're gonna lose it
• 1:01:54
  But once I healed that, I have zero desire to drink. I can be, I was around drinking all weekend long. I went to this crazy hillbilly fun bar in, in, uh, what, what was the name of this? In some Island down in Florida and everybody was drinking except for me. And I don't care. It's a cheat code. So, um, yeah.
• 1:02:19
  I got to tell you, once you heal it, you just massive success. So work, Katie really sounds like she knows what she's doing. And for $12.97 and $4.97, this cheap, because I spent way more than that to work with some heavy hitters.
• 1:02:37
  Everybody wants a healthy relationship. Everybody wants a partner but doesn't want to do the work. So what are the signs of a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship? The signs of a health, I mean, my first answer is like a healthy sex life.
• 1:02:56
  I know that that's not every part of a relationship, but I think that that's like the number one, maybe not the number one. It's something that happens like if, especially for women, like when women stop desiring sex, it's because that they've started sweeping things under the rug, that there's a break in communication. It's kind of like the, it can be depending on, you know, where your sex drive is normally like in a baseline, but it is the sign that like,
• 1:03:25
  that level of intimacy is no longer desirable or available because there's shit in the way. There's shit that's not being said. There's shit that's not being communicated. There's shit that's not being talked about. And that comes down to the overlays that we're projecting onto the relationship based off of our childhood. And so I think the sign of a healthy relationship is like that that level of intimacy
• 1:03:54
  is is is wanted it's desirable um and i would on top of that i would say then there's growth you know and that's maybe more of like a personal anecdote you know because i'm hyper obsessed with growth but i do think that like in generally healthy relationships both parties are willing to self-reflect and grow and so that they're growing together
• 1:04:18
  Yeah, that's, that was, that's been one of my biggest challenges is I continue to grow and somebody, whoever's going to be with me has to grow with me or else we're going to, I'm going to lap them. And it's, that's, that's tough because as you can see my expectations, my expectations are super high. If I aired the things that I think in my head, you'd be like, uh, get off this podcast. Cause he's crazy. Um, yeah.
• 1:04:45
  I keep deviating from my questions and we're over time, but I want to ask, is there reverse bad where someone who's not in a relationship, but is out having multiple sexual relations because they're, that's how they're getting validation. I'm assuming that's bad. I don't like to think of things as like bad or good, but yeah, there's a, there's probably an unhealthy reason for that, that,
• 1:05:11
  could probably be looked at. You know, I look at it more as like, is the behavior useful? Is the way that you're wired useful toward what it is that you really want? You know, I don't, and I think about it, things more useful, non-useful rather than good, bad, but probably there's a non-useful pattern being run that is causing that person to have that type of lifestyle. Let me just throw it at useful for where you want to end up.
• 1:05:37
  You begin with the end of mind. What's your goal in life? Do you want to, do you want to be in a loving kind relationship? Not do I want to feel good right now? That's useful too, but not in the longterm. Right. Yeah. It's the immediate gratification. Yeah. Boy. Which is masking. I mean, immediate gratification is always masking. I used to work with women with eating disorders and in particular binge eating, because so many people struggle with it. And the question that you always have to ask if you're, if you're about to binge, what feeling,
• 1:06:06
  would I be left with if, if I didn't binge right now? And that's always your answer. For the ladies that do listen to this, I, if you head over to YouTube and watch this, she's,
• 1:06:15
  She's a beauty, body in great shape. So congratulations to you for doing the work. You're out doing amazing things. You're helping people. You look beautiful. You exude positive energy. I feel love from you through the computer screen. So I just, I want to acknowledge you.
• 1:06:38
  um you're you and and and i gotta tell you the same thing too is your your your 10 year old and your six year old are gonna gonna gonna come out this world a much better people in this crazy crazy time of social media and internet and and nuts so we got to start wrapping it up but i got a couple more questions and i'm gonna bring you back because it's we we didn't get into half of them but in your work
• 1:07:02
  And what you have experienced is the most common mistake men make in dating and relationships? Hmm. The most common mistake, at least with the men that I work with in dating, is that they're in their head and they're, I would actually just say that, that they're in their head.
• 1:07:29
  I'll be a little more direct because you're being kind in your head and overthinking things. And, you know, nice guys do finish last. And you don't have to be an asshole, but you can't be super. You can't let them walk all over you. They're not going to respect you. You have to love yourself. Do the work to have standards and boundaries and force said standards and boundaries. And if they cross them, you walk away.
• 1:07:53
  Emotionally unavailable women are not sexy, no matter how good looking they are. Walk away and signal the universe. I would tell you that men look at looks too much and think that that's the end all be all. If you were a beautiful woman and I could see the red flags, oh, I could change you. You can't. You can't change somebody until they want to change. So that's what I've seen in my little bit of work.
• 1:08:23
  Yeah, I would say that's true. And it's like, you know, if you're, if a man is in his head and not in his body, then he's not in his like big dick energy. And I know I talk about that on Instagram as well, but like there it's, it's actually what it is. It's a manipulation. And so if a man is in his head and he's not in his cock energy, then he's actually trying to manipulate in order to get his needs met, which is a very icky feeling for a woman. It is not attractive. Yeah.
• 1:08:52
  But if a man is in his rooted cock sexual energy and not being like led by it, not being run by it, not being overtaken by it, but is there, he's going to have a very erect presence. I'll cross all ways.
• 1:09:09
  Yeah, because patterns exist on all levels. And then when you have that erect presence, it means you're fucking taking care of shit in every part of your life. You feel confident when you wake up. You feel confident when you go to bed. Your bed is fucking made. You don't have dishes in the sink. You have your life together. And then when you show up on a date and dating, you're not sitting there trying to manipulate this woman into thinking that you are confident or that you are somebody that you're not. It's quite literally who you are.
• 1:09:37
  you know, it's one of the things I respect so much about you is especially the way that you've handled your, you know, the, I don't, I don't even want to call it an addiction, like who you used to be because you've made that you're not, when I hear you talk to yourself, I'm trying to say, I don't hear you talking as like an addict. I meet a lot of people who have had addictions in the past and they live their whole lives with the identity of like, I have to wake up every day and fight this addiction. You've transformed it so much because that,
• 1:10:07
  person that you used to be is not even here anymore. You're an entirely different person. It's an identity change. It doesn't require you willpower to show up and like be who you are. It's like, it's, it's as real as like gravity, you don't question gravity. It's just who you are. And anyways, that's, that's, I think what circling background, that's what people mess up. That's what men mess up in dating is that they're
• 1:10:32
  they're trying to manipulate who they are in people's perceptions because they don't know how to get their needs met because they're not even aware of their needs because they're not in their body. They're stuck in their head. First of all, I receive those kind of words. Thank you. And I always have to say thank you because it took a lot of work. It took a lot of violent work. There were many times I was curled up in the ball on my couch alone crying.
• 1:10:55
  And thinking this is stupid, I might as well just go back to being a man whore and drinking and partying. And I, you know, I'm addicted now. I'm addicted to winning. I'm addicted to working out. I'm addicted to helping people. I'm addicted to this podcast and meeting people like you. So, you know, I, you know, I just, I'm addicted to good things now. And I don't really think I was ever addict. That was just a coping mechanism to survive. And that person wasn't.
• 1:11:22
  real. I created him. I created this persona to fit in, not to belong and not to thrive, to survive and fit in. And then when you get in, that's the pick me energy. And then when you heal all that, you get your aforementioned big dick energy, which I just love that that's where you went. All right. We got to start wrapping this up. I got to, um, what's one piece of advice you could give someone who started in their self-development journey?
• 1:11:51
  I follow me on Instagram. I have a lot of really great self-development.
• 1:11:57
  I find your content easily digestible and so simplistic and really just authentic. And I just connect with it. I don't even know how we connected, but everything happens for a reason. And I love it. And you have a friend in me and there's anything I can do to support you. You name it. Having said that, who are some of your mentors and influencers along your journey?
• 1:12:22
  I have, let's see, I was definitely the therapist that I had where I'd end up on her floor. She's not online. So that was like, that was a huge mentor of mine. Chase Hughes, Joe Navarro. Those are body language experts that I love. And they're really great. I've trained with both of them. Chase in person, Joe, not in person. And David Snyder, I learned hypnotherapy from. Very interesting individual. Yeah.
• 1:12:49
  And I love Teal Swan online. I love her content. Do you know Teal Swan? No, you are. If I show you my bookcase over here, you'd see a lot. I read a lot of women's books. I just finished Jamie Kern Lima's Worthy. I read a lot of the women's books because I'm fascinated by how the women think. That's why I have a lot of women. I interview a ton of women. I just, I'm trying to help us men get out of our own way. Literally, like you said.
• 1:13:18
  So I love, I love Brene Brown. She's like my, my, I'm going to get her as a guest on the, on the podcast one day. And, and you'll be, you'll be excited to know I'm doing a Ted talk on vulnerability and how to be courageous enough to be in your feminine. So I'll, I'll tell you, let you know when that comes out. Okay. That's powerful to say, by the way.
• 1:13:42
  Because we all have both sides. And in order to really do the inner work, it's, as you know, it is a feminine process because feelings don't logically make sense. Well, I was a big, tough guy. That was a persona. I was a big, tough guy. I got to show you how tough I am. No, no, no. I'm going to sit in here and I'm going to tell you that right now I have feelings and you've triggered me and I feel close to you and I love you already. And I have no problem saying that. I kiss my friends on the cheek.
• 1:14:09
  I give them hugs. I tell them what they mean to me. And that was all stuff that the younger traumatic Kelly would have kicked this Kelly, well, tried to kick this Kelly's ass. And no, we're not here forever. So I'm going to enjoy every minute that I'm on this earth and the people I'm with. I'm going to love them. And I'm going to give you so much love that you're going
• 1:14:40
  What do you enjoy doing and what's some hobbies and interests outside of your professional life besides your two kids? Yes, kids are kids are top priority outside of kids. I like I hike almost every day and I do that because there's truth in nature and I have to go remind myself of truth every day.
• 1:15:02
  You know what I mean? Like when I'm around. I call it my gratitude walk. I do a gratitude walk every day with my little 10 pound Yorkie dog and reminding myself, you'll see me walking and patting my chest. And it's my heart. Just center myself back. So I get it. Keep going. Yeah. I mean, I'm really extremely disciplined with self-care. I'm always, you know, listening to podcasts and reading books and I'm out hiking. I go to Pilates.
• 1:15:28
  I do date a lot. I love dating. I would say that's a hobby. Dating in LA, it's got to be interesting. It is. It's interesting. I meet all kinds of interesting people. I don't know. I love that. I meditate a lot. My daughter the other day was like, you meditate a lot. I was like, yeah, I guess I do. Once, twice a day. I love my alone time.
• 1:15:54
  Yeah, that's one of the craziest things that I've learned. The craziest thing is how much time I like, how much I like being alone. I couldn't be misery loves company, but hates being alone. But boy, will I tell you healed and love and happiness.
• 1:16:14
  be alone forever. That was one of the weirdest things that I've had to get comfortable with. I love peace, clarity, and freedom. So, yeah, that's beautiful. I get to tell you, if everybody's watching this Vanderpump stuff, we should probably put a reality show and watch your dating. I bet you it's got to be some of the funniest things when people realize what you do. And then immediately when you're like, yeah, I can read your facial expressions, you're like...
• 1:16:43
  I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see that every time. My, my, yes. My, my mom last week was like, you have to have a reality show about your dating life. Cause it's weird. It's wild. Like, and I, and I show up in weird ways, you know, like I'm always trying to see like people's reactions and I, I love novelty, you know? So like anything that's new, like, I don't like staying in a box. You can never put me in a fucking box. Like I lose my mind.
• 1:17:08
  I can't stand it when I have to do things like the normal way. I don't want to do that. And I just kind of apply that to everything in my life. Like my kids think I'm crazy. They tell me all the time. I like that. Yeah. My daughter knows I'm crazy. I'm not going to, I don't want to be like everybody else. I, because if everybody, if everybody was else, we was happy. We'd have that utopian world that I want to create that I'm searching for.
• 1:17:31
  So a couple more questions, we'll get out of here. We're really over, but it's all good. What, where do you see yourself and your practice in the next 10 years? More in person. So I actually, I haven't even been showing up on social media the last three months and I needed a break from it. I needed to kind of clear my head and reassess. But I have been doing more in-person stuff, more in-person sessions. And it's just, there's just some, you know, there's something different about being in person. So I think in the next 10 years, I would love to do,
• 1:18:00
  Yeah. Meetups, teaching things in person, seminars, you know, group. I think we heal in groups. I think it's really powerful to do this type of work in groups, even if it's individual work in groups and group work. That's where I see it going. Well, I'm going to, I'm launching a coaching program within the next month. So we'll invite you in to, to, to talk to them, to, to everybody. I don't, I'm, my assumptions would be mostly men, but it'll be open to everybody. I, I, my, my,
• 1:18:27
  Routines and rituals and habits work for everybody. But for some reason right now, it's so many men. So is there anything I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled to share? I don't think so. I mean, you know, I feel like we, like you said, there's so much more to talk about. So you'll have to have me back on because I could have this conversation all day. You have my cell phone. If you end up in Florida or Michigan, let me know. I'm going to be in LA soon. I will hit you up. I...
• 1:18:55
  I want to know more and I want to see more. I want to hear more. And then if there's anything I can do to support you or the listeners can support you again, what's your Instagram? Kate Colley. Yep. Is it Kate underscore Colley? Yeah. Yeah. I think technically there's two underscores. It's that simple. How many people reach out to you and say, would you just like the Kate Colley? I get that all the time. Mine's Kelly Siegel, Kelly dot Siegel dot 71. They're like, would you just want Kelly dot Siegel? I'm like, nah, I'm good. People know who I am.
• 1:19:24
  Thank you for coming on. I see you and I appreciate you and I love you and thank you for your time. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me on.
• 1:19:35
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.