Latest / MyMaine Birth / 89. Navigating a Twin Pregnancy and NICU stay, Crystal shares her Maine Medical Center Birth Story

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89. Navigating a Twin Pregnancy and NICU stay, Crystal shares her Maine Medical Center Birth Story · MyMaine Birth

• 0:00
  Crystal: She told me that I had all of these options and they were like you know, pitocin, induced labor and you know the all of the other options with like induction, and I was so terrified of induction that was something I that was one of the only things I had educated myself on I really didn't want to see section, so I kind of just didn't think about it unless it was an emergency, and I did go over what I needed in case that did happen, but I didn't take it seriously.
• 0:29
  Crystal: I didn't have it, you know, in there and she didn't really explain to me the severity of it.
• 0:34
  Crystal: But she did encourage me to have one.
• 0:36
  Crystal: She said that if I wanted to do it like the fastest, easiest way, then that would be to have a C-section and it would be like schedule you go in and you meet your boys within this amount of time.
• 0:50
  Crystal: And she kind of just like really got me excited on the whole idea of the C-section and meeting my boys so fast.
• 0:55
  Crystal: I had no, she didn't say anything about the NICU.
• 0:57
  Crystal: She, I was 34 weeks at this time when we had this conversation and I had delivered them at 34 and five weeks.
• 1:04
  Crystal: But when she scheduled me, she scheduled me for March 13th and then they asked me if I could come in on March 12th and at that point I was like, okay, I really was like so excited about that being my boy's birthday.
• 1:19
  Crystal: I just didn't really think anything of it.
• 1:20
  Crystal: It was just kind of I felt like I was being tossed around and like the day didn't matter and I felt like that mattered to me.
• 1:24
  Crystal: It was just kind of I felt like I was being tossed around and like the day didn't matter and I felt like that mattered to me.
• 1:26
  Crystal: I had just always thought about it the whole time Like everything I'd ever imagined, as, like a kid, I never imagined having twins.
• 1:34
  Crystal: So I really was like not ready for any of this and I had never imagined being a mom at such a young age.
• 1:42
  Crystal: I just had never imagined having a C-section.
• 1:44
  Crystal: I had never imagined anything that I was going through in that moment.
• 1:47
  Crystal: So I was really just bracing my partner.
• 1:50
  Crystal: We were kind of just diving into this and like trusting, and we made the decision to do the C-section and I don't even know why I did it.
• 1:59
  Crystal: I don't know why I did it.
• 2:02
  Crystal: I feel like I was just caught up in the being excited to meet them and I just didn't think of it.
• 2:07
  Crystal: I didn't think of the disruption and all of the things.
• 2:11
  Crystal: If I had a choice, that is just not the way I would do it.
• 2:13
  Crystal: If it was an emergency, it would be something that would sit very well in my soul, but the way that I imagined having children was not this way.
• 2:23
  Angela: I'm Angela and you're listening to my Maine Birth, a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine, from our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births, every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated.
• 2:45
  Angela: Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you.
• 2:53
  Angela: Welcome to episode 89 of the my Main Birth podcast.
• 2:59
  Angela: I want to take a quick minute to share the information about a free workshop I'm hosting called Birth Plan Essentials.
• 3:07
  Angela: In this workshop, we're going to be diving into the intricacies of creating your own personalized birth plan.
• 3:13
  Angela: We cover all of your options, including general labor options, variations of normal induction and augmentation options, comfort measures and the medical pain relief options that might be available to you.
• 3:27
  Angela: We get into the second stage and pushing options, the third stage and your immediate postpartum options.
• 3:34
  Angela: I break down all of the newborn tests and procedures that are available to you the cesarean options.
• 3:41
  Angela: We get into uncommon labor complications and so so much more.
• 3:46
  Angela: We literally cover every single thing that could come up for you.
• 3:50
  Angela: So don't miss out.
• 3:52
  Angela: I'm going to be hosting these for free each month until the end of the year at the Old Town Public Library.
• 3:59
  Angela: The next one is on Saturday, september 21st, from 11am to noon, and as a special gift, you'll receive a complimentary template to help you craft your ideal birth plan.
• 4:10
  Angela: This is good, whether you're planning to birth in the hospital, at a birth center or even at home.
• 4:16
  Angela: This ensures that your wishes are clearly communicated to your birth team and healthcare providers.
• 4:22
  Angela: Also, by attending this class, you'll qualify for an exclusive discount for my in-person services and online childbirth education offerings, both of which are designed to support you every step of the way through this miraculous journey.
• 4:38
  Angela: You can register by filling out the form over on my website, mymainbirthcom, or you can simply send me a DM over on Instagram at mymainbirth.
• 4:48
  Angela: You can also follow me over there for all of the updates about future dates of this workshop.
• 4:54
  Angela: Again, it's called Birth Plan Essentials and I'm offering it for free each month until the end of the year.
• 5:01
  Angela: So if you're expecting, I hope to see you there.
• 5:04
  Angela: If you're not able to make it, I do offer this workshop virtually on my website.
• 5:09
  Angela: It's just $44 and you can find all of the information over at mymainbirthcom.
• 5:16
  Angela: Now back to our birth story.
• 5:19
  Angela: Today's guest is Crystal, and she is here to share all about the pregnancy and birth of her twins, born at Maine Medical Center in Portland at 34 weeks gestation.
• 5:31
  Angela: Hi, crystal, welcome to my Maine Birth.
• 5:35
  Angela: I'm so excited to chat with you today.
• 5:38
  Crystal: Thank you.
• 5:38
  Crystal: I'm so excited I have so much to share and I've thought about it so much.
• 5:44
  Angela: Awesome.
• 5:44
  Angela: So to start, will you share a little bit about you and your family?
• 5:49
  Crystal: So my name is Crystal Crystal Chapman and I am from the Bethel, gilead, nuri area of Maine and I have always loved working with children and children.
• 6:05
  Crystal: I've always wanted to be a mom but I did not have one myself.
• 6:08
  Crystal: I lost my mom at a young age.
• 6:11
  Crystal: She's still alive, but I think she had some sort of induced psychosis, whether it was children-based, and trauma and everything.
• 6:23
  Crystal: I think is the case after all these years and kind of like researching and learning all of my own stuff.
• 6:29
  Crystal: I also have a big interest in mental health because of that and I also was always scared to have the same problems that my mom had.
• 6:37
  Crystal: So I wanted to like kind of educate myself in everything mental health and like child based before I became a mom so that I would be like more prepared.
• 6:44
  Crystal: But even when I got pregnant I was not prepared.
• 6:47
  Crystal: But when I got pregnant I was, I was 20 years old and I was working with the toddler group like from 18 months to 30, actually sometimes 36 months, but sometimes more or less like 24 months.
• 7:05
  Crystal: So I was like really working with the two-year-olds more or less, and it was like in center base.
• 7:11
  Crystal: So I had to do a lot of training and in high school I did ECE stuff as well, but I didn't really make it through high school necessarily.
• 7:20
  Crystal: But the minute I was out into the world on my own I worked with children and I got pregnant and it just like something came over me Like I changed a hundred percent.
• 7:32
  Crystal: I was always like a kind of like a I wouldn't necessarily say troubled soul, because I did have a pretty good head on my shoulders, but I was kind of like I didn't have a lot of guidance.
• 7:47
  Crystal: The guidance that I had motherly and everything else was like my 70, 80 year old grandma at the time who really helped raise me the most and brought me to like every appointment I ever had and like everything.
• 8:01
  Angela: Now will you share when you found out you were pregnant for the first time, like a little bit about how that went and what like your thoughts were in choosing your care so I knew essentially nothing.
• 8:16
  Crystal: I didn't even know I was pregnant.
• 8:17
  Crystal: I was very naive at the time.
• 8:19
  Crystal: I didn't think that I would ever be able to, because I was on birth control for like four to five years and I had been such a researcher and I really truly believed that it was going to prohibit me from having kids for a while at least.
• 8:37
  Crystal: So I wasn't the safest and I wasn't the smartest.
• 8:40
  Crystal: I was really naive and I got pregnant.
• 8:43
  Crystal: Wasn't the smartest, I was really naive and I got pregnant and my boyfriend noticed before I did with like the way I was eating, like the way that my hormones were changing, the way I was reacting to stuff.
• 8:51
  Crystal: He just knew before I did.
• 8:53
  Crystal: He encouraged me to take a test.
• 8:55
  Crystal: I took a test and I couldn't believe it.
• 8:57
  Crystal: I was honestly like everything came over me, all the instincts in the world, like if I don't know all the ifs and what ifs and everything you can even imagine.
• 9:09
  Crystal: I was honestly an anxious wreck and I had anxiety in different ways than I had ever had before.
• 9:16
  Crystal: But I just want to add my conception date is my first COVID shot date and I didn't get a second shot or anything like that.
• 9:26
  Crystal: I don't necessarily believe in it now, but at the time I was kind of pressured into getting it with my work situation and I just felt obligated to, and I do believe that that has a lot to do with a lot of the things that have happened, if that makes sense.
• 9:41
  Crystal: To conception.
• 9:43
  Crystal: Um, conception wise, I first had my first ultrasound at six weeks and I didn't know anything about choosing care.
• 9:51
  Crystal: I just called my doctor.
• 9:52
  Crystal: I got the test done at the doctor, they sent an OB referral and I've always gone to the same doctors.
• 9:57
  Crystal: I don't necessarily love them, I've kind of like been on and off care.
• 10:01
  Crystal: But when I got pregnant I was like, oh, I'm going to take everything seriously and I did.
• 10:04
  Crystal: And I went there to the OB and they have like rotating OBs and everything else.
• 10:14
  Crystal: So the first person I met was like the person who diagnosed me with the twins and stuff.
• 10:18
  Crystal: But I had a different ultrasound before I went to even meet these people.
• 10:22
  Crystal: But at the ultrasound we were doing the ultrasound, I was terrified.
• 10:28
  Crystal: I was honestly like shaking.
• 10:29
  Crystal: I had been having a lot of symptoms and they were very strong.
• 10:32
  Crystal: So I assumed I was further along than I was.
• 10:36
  Crystal: And then he marks baby A and me and my boyfriend are just looking at each other.
• 10:44
  Crystal: I think it processes in his head, and we had only been together for three months at the time.
• 10:48
  Crystal: Mind you, I did mean to mention that prior.
• 10:50
  Crystal: And he doesn't have any kids.
• 10:53
  Crystal: He's a little older than I am.
• 10:54
  Crystal: He doesn't have a mom either.
• 10:56
  Crystal: It was just like our relationship was kind of crazy at the start.
• 10:59
  Crystal: It felt like everything was happening to us in the wildest ways and it it kind of you know.
• 11:04
  Crystal: Anyway, we saw that it was marked baby a and I didn't notice.
• 11:09
  Crystal: He noticed and was like huh, and then he marks baby B and I said what do you mean, baby B?
• 11:14
  Crystal: Is this like a joke?
• 11:15
  Crystal: I genuinely I don't.
• 11:17
  Crystal: I couldn't even believe it for a second.
• 11:18
  Crystal: I seriously thought it was a joke.
• 11:20
  Crystal: And he said nope, there's two there and they look like little lobster claws.
• 11:32
  Crystal: I have that picture somewhere.
• 11:34
  Crystal: I should have had it out and ready to go.
• 11:35
  Crystal: I have like 1000 ultrasounds in here because of the way that I chose my pregnancy journey.
• 11:38
  Crystal: I spent a lot of time.
• 11:38
  Crystal: Yeah, I met with the doctor probably not even a week later, after the six week ultrasound, and we were just in shock.
• 11:44
  Crystal: We couldn't even believe it.
• 11:45
  Crystal: We had almost hit two moose.
• 11:48
  Crystal: A couple of weeks prior we had already found out we were pregnant.
• 11:51
  Crystal: There was two moose.
• 11:52
  Crystal: So it was kind of like this crazy story of like, wow, we saw these two moose and we almost hit them, Like we went right in between them.
• 11:58
  Crystal: It was the craziest thing I've ever experienced in my life.
• 12:01
  Crystal: And then a couple of weeks later we find out we're pregnant with these twins and they look like lobster claws and it was the sweetest thing in the world.
• 12:07
  Crystal: We were over the moon.
• 12:09
  Crystal: He was so, so nervous.
• 12:11
  Crystal: He wasn't sure if he was ready to be a dad.
• 12:14
  Crystal: He was terrified.
• 12:15
  Crystal: It took his family encouraging him and telling him that they think he would be a good dad for him to truly believe that.
• 12:22
  Crystal: But he has always been amazing with kids.
• 12:24
  Crystal: He lived with one of his friends when they had their first children and was there through the breastfeeding process.
• 12:31
  Crystal: Like it was just like a second nature to him.
• 12:32
  Crystal: He was very comfortable and he's just so sweet and calm and sensitive to everything.
• 12:37
  Crystal: So as scared as he was, he was also a really good support system in that way.
• 12:44
  Crystal: When it comes to researching and stuff, he is not the one to do all of that.
• 12:48
  Crystal: He doesn't worry about the extras, he just does what they tell him to do.
• 12:53
  Crystal: So he was more encouraging on the play it safe kind of thing and I was questioning everything.
• 12:59
  Crystal: I didn't go in at every bad feeling.
• 13:03
  Crystal: I think I had only checked into labor and delivery once and I never wanted to do that again after they touched my cervix.
• 13:10
  Crystal: But I had a lot of appointments and it was something that I had Mo die twins Um, that is something I learned at that around that time.
• 13:22
  Crystal: I can't exactly remember everything and how it played out with all the excitement, but they shared a placenta and that meant that I was going to have to deliver no later than 37 weeks is what they told me.
• 13:36
  Crystal: They were very, very stern on that and so I kind of knew that was coming.
• 13:41
  Crystal: They never said anything about the NICU.
• 13:43
  Crystal: They never said anything about cord clamping.
• 13:47
  Crystal: They never said anything about you know, they never educated me on anything extra.
• 13:52
  Crystal: It was kind of just like if I had a problem, just drink extra water.
• 13:55
  Crystal: It was never like checking in with my care, like how I was really eating.
• 13:59
  Crystal: They worried a lot about my weight more than anything else and they were actually really, really, really mean to me and told me that I was four times as likely to die if I didn't get my second COVID shot.
• 14:13
  Crystal: And this was like in the midst of all the COVID stuff.
• 14:15
  Crystal: So I refused it a hundred times and I still never got it.
• 14:20
  Crystal: But there was one doctor that was like I've had patients die, Like you need to get it, you need to get it.
• 14:25
  Crystal: And I was just terrified of it because I'm learning more about it Down the road.
• 14:30
  Crystal: It did cause me a lot of autoimmune stuff.
• 14:32
  Crystal: I developed POTS at the time that I was pregnant but I never knew that that's what it was and it was never treated during my pregnancy.
• 14:39
  Crystal: I would get really dizzy and lightheaded and I just about pass out and I would just drink water, like they told me, and I would, you know, come in and everything would be fine.
• 14:48
  Angela: But I didn't realize, like later down the road, that it was my heart and anything else You're relating that to when you got the first shot, which was right when you conceived.
• 14:58
  Crystal: And I think like there's a lot of things that come into play with that.
• 15:01
  Crystal: But yeah, everything was fine.
• 15:03
  Crystal: I carried the boys beautifully.
• 15:05
  Crystal: I still went up the stairs for every single appointment.
• 15:08
  Crystal: I never had any complications with any of the ultrasounds and I was having them like weekly and then two times a week at the end or like it was like every two weeks and then weekly and then two weeks at the end, and by that one I think I was 33 weeks and we had an ultrasound and everything was perfectly fine.
• 15:35
  Crystal: I come in two days later.
• 15:38
  Crystal: I was probably actually maybe four days later because it was like a weekend and I had to come around.
• 15:44
  Crystal: I was closer to 34 weeks, but I wasn't quite 34 weeks yet and the first appointment I went in, everything was fine.
• 15:52
  Crystal: They were measuring beautifully I'm pretty sure it was like they were four pounds and something ounces at the time and there was no suspected growth restriction and this is something that they really warn you about in TTS.
• 16:05
  Crystal: And I was taking baby aspirin every single day for the entirety of my pregnancy, on top of a prenatal which I learned a lot more about, like folic acid and stuff.
• 16:16
  Crystal: I'll get to that later, but I.
• 16:22
  Crystal: I went to that next appointment right before I met them and this was my last appointment, which is like the most bittersweet, horrible thing.
• 16:34
  Crystal: I don't know, it's not really.
• 16:35
  Crystal: It's very bitter for me.
• 16:36
  Crystal: I guess it was the first time I had ever been admitted to be checked on after an appointment.
• 16:40
  Crystal: Um, I had never had like high blood pressure.
• 16:43
  Crystal: I never had the diabetes.
• 16:45
  Crystal: I had never had any.
• 16:47
  Crystal: I think I had a little bit of swelling.
• 16:49
  Crystal: That was the worst that it got, but I had never had any other complications.
• 16:52
  Crystal: And at this appointment I just I felt like they were being squished by each other.
• 16:57
  Crystal: I felt like they were kind of playing too much when we were doing the ultrasound and you don't get any other chance Like if I wanted them to recheck they wouldn't because they don't have the time to get me in.
• 17:06
  Crystal: And I just felt in my gut that they were kind of wrong about them being off.
• 17:12
  Crystal: And so they said that they were.
• 17:15
  Crystal: Often it was by.
• 17:17
  Crystal: Like I can't really remember, but they did say something about growth restriction and they were worried about it starts with an S, I can't, or something with an S, I can't remember.
• 17:27
  Crystal: Maybe it was TTS, I don't know for certain, but they were.
• 17:31
  Crystal: I have the list I meant to bring it.
• 17:33
  Crystal: They checked me in and everything was fine.
• 17:35
  Crystal: They sent me home but I had to stay for like hours.
• 17:38
  Crystal: I was starving.
• 17:42
  Crystal: They wouldn't like bring me anything to drink or eat, they just told me I had to stay there.
• 17:44
  Crystal: And that's another thing I didn't realize is the drinking and eating thing.
• 17:46
  Crystal: They told me that they asked me all the questions about how do I want to deliver?
• 17:51
  Crystal: And this is the first time I had ever met my OB at the Maine's maternal fetal medicine clinic and that's where I went for all of my care besides my OB in Western Maine.
• 18:06
  Crystal: And this is the first time I had ever met her and I had had her technically the whole time.
• 18:10
  Crystal: She was reviewing all of my ultrasounds and stuff, but I had never met her face to face.
• 18:14
  Crystal: She told me that I had all of these options and they were like you know, pitocin, induced labor and you know the all of the other options with like induction, and I was so terrified of induction.
• 18:30
  Crystal: That was something I that was one of the only things I had educated myself on.
• 18:34
  Crystal: I really didn't want to see section, so I kind of just didn't think about it unless it was an emergency, and I did go over what I needed in case that did happen.
• 18:42
  Crystal: But I didn't take it seriously.
• 18:44
  Crystal: I didn't have it, you know, in there and she didn't really explain to me the severity of it.
• 18:49
  Crystal: But she did encourage me to have one.
• 18:51
  Crystal: She said that if I wanted to do it like the fastest, easiest way, then that would be to have a C-section and it would be like schedule you go in and you meet your boys within this amount of time.
• 19:05
  Crystal: And she kind of just like really got me excited on the whole idea of the C-section and meeting my boys so fast.
• 19:10
  Crystal: I had no, she didn't say anything about the NICU.
• 19:12
  Crystal: She, I was 34 weeks at this time when we had this conversation and I had delivered them at 34 and five weeks.
• 19:18
  Crystal: But when she scheduled me, she scheduled me for March 13th and then they asked me if I could come in on March 12th and at that point I was like, ok, I really was like so excited about that being my boy's birthday, I just didn't really think anything of it.
• 19:36
  Crystal: It was just kind of I felt like I was being tossed around and like the day didn't matter and I felt like that mattered to me.
• 19:42
  Crystal: I just always thought about it the whole time Like everything I'd ever imagined, as, like a kid, I never imagined having twins.
• 19:49
  Crystal: So I really was like not ready for any of this and I had never imagined being a mom at such a young age.
• 19:57
  Crystal: I just had never imagined having a C-section.
• 19:59
  Crystal: I had never imagined anything that I was going through in that moment.
• 20:02
  Crystal: So I was really just bracing my partner.
• 20:05
  Crystal: We were kind of just diving into this and trusting and we made the decision to do the C-section and I don't even know why I did it.
• 20:15
  Crystal: I don't know why I did it.
• 20:17
  Crystal: I feel like I was just caught up in the being excited to meet them and I just didn't think of it.
• 20:22
  Crystal: I didn't think of the disruption and all of the things.
• 20:27
  Crystal: If I had a choice, that is just not the way I would do it.
• 20:29
  Crystal: If it was an emergency, it would be something that would sit very well in my soul, but the way that I imagined having children was not this way and I'm sorry if I'm just rambling.
• 20:40
  Angela: No, you're doing amazing and I'm so like sorry.
• 20:43
  Angela: You know that you went through this and this is literally why I like I'm doing everything that I'm doing.
• 20:47
  Angela: It was like the childbirth education because, like, I feel like there is a lack of that right now and it's like you don't know what you don't know, and it's like I felt like that with a lot of my births too, and it's like a lot of other women too too, and it's it's hard.
• 21:01
  Crystal: So it's heartbreaking.
• 21:02
  Crystal: Yeah, it's like it's nothing like you imagine.
• 21:04
  Crystal: Some women are really lucky and you know, things happen naturally and where they happen, you know I don't know.
• 21:19
  Crystal: But I just feel's kind of where I went wrong.
• 21:20
  Crystal: Like I met some amazing nurses who are going about things in the way that I feel like I would personally and I've always kind of had like a holistic based background in the way that I like to do things just naturally, and I feel like that's like the only thing I inherited and I feel like that's really good with the whole mother thing.
• 21:39
  Crystal: But I just couldn't, I couldn't have ever imagined.
• 21:42
  Crystal: And anyway she sent me to have the C-section on March 13th or March 12th at 8am and so I had to do the Heba cleanse full body the night before.
• 21:54
  Crystal: I couldn't eat past 2am and I couldn't drink anything past 7am.
• 22:00
  Crystal: And I get there and I'm so excited.
• 22:03
  Crystal: I'm like I'm going to meet my boys, his dad's going to come and you know I'm going to have some time to rest and like spend time with them later.
• 22:09
  Crystal: And I had already rested, like I had been preparing everything in me to meet them.
• 22:13
  Crystal: I was just so excited.
• 22:15
  Crystal: And then I got there and things started to get kind of real and I had never been to a hospital.
• 22:21
  Crystal: I think that was my first time like really going to a hospital, besides for like a CAT scan or you know something, for like a boo-boo basically, and but well, besides the labor and delivery visit, but that traumatized me.
• 22:35
  Crystal: I kind of forgot about it.
• 22:36
  Crystal: I was there at 8 am or 7 am, like I was supposed to be, and I was ready to go by 8 am and I waited and I waited and they kept saying, oh, like it'll be in this amount of time, in this amount of time.
• 22:50
  Crystal: And I had a really really sweet nurse whose birthday happened to be the same day and she was really really good about everything.
• 22:59
  Crystal: But I was just getting really antsy and frustrated.
• 23:00
  Crystal: I was starving.
• 23:01
  Crystal: Another two hours go by and I'm starting to have contractions.
• 23:06
  Crystal: It's like 11, 10, 11 am and I'm having contractions.
• 23:12
  Crystal: And I've had the contractions up until four, almost 5 pm and they kept pushing my surgery back until and I wasn't allowed to eat, I wasn't allowed to drink, I was allowed to have the saline and stuff and like the fluids pumped, but that was it.
• 23:29
  Crystal: My nurse kept telling me she was going to save me a cupcake because her husband brought her in cupcakes and the minute I got out I could have one.
• 23:36
  Crystal: Because I was just like I was crying so hard, I was starving.
• 23:39
  Crystal: I felt so bad for my babies.
• 23:41
  Crystal: I was like this isn't natural and I just kept thinking about like all the emergency C-sections and how they probably were able to take care of their baby up until that point and I was just wondering how distressed they were going to be before they came out, just because of what I had just gone through.
• 23:57
  Crystal: Because I was distressed and we get back into the surgery room and I didn't know anything about the spinal.
• 24:04
  Crystal: I kind of had an idea of what I had to do.
• 24:07
  Crystal: They kind of just coached me of what I had to do first, but I didn't realize what it was going to feel like.
• 24:11
  Crystal: I had no idea that it was going to hurt for years.
• 24:14
  Crystal: It still really does hurt.
• 24:17
  Crystal: I started shaking almost immediately and I didn't believe that it was working.
• 24:22
  Crystal: I didn't know what was going on.
• 24:23
  Crystal: I'd never had surgery before and I didn't realize what a big deal surgery was at all either.
• 24:28
  Crystal: I had no clue.
• 24:29
  Crystal: I accidentally felt bad and said yes to having all of the nursing students in my room.
• 24:38
  Crystal: So I had two teams for each baby and two nursing teams for each baby and a nurse, or two teams for me nursing and regular and one nurse that asked me initially if she could be there.
• 24:53
  Crystal: There was two of them that came in the room to ask me.
• 24:55
  Crystal: I didn't think there would be so many.
• 24:57
  Crystal: I said yes and she said that she would be there to take pictures and hold my hand the whole time and I was like, thank you so much.
• 25:03
  Crystal: I need someone to hold my hand besides my partner.
• 25:06
  Crystal: I just need someone.
• 25:07
  Crystal: I like to be talked through the process of stuff.
• 25:09
  Crystal: It makes me feel better to know what's going on.
• 25:11
  Crystal: And then I thought I could feel stuff.
• 25:16
  Crystal: They did the test.
• 25:17
  Crystal: I couldn't feel anything.
• 25:18
  Crystal: I was terrified of that because I had heard horror stories about that and I didn't see that nurse the entire time.
• 25:25
  Crystal: Somebody else took pictures on my phone, but it turns out first I, I'm, I'm a young girl, I care a lot, I don't know.
• 25:31
  Crystal: It's just a big deal to me, I guess.
• 25:43
  Angela: Personally and I felt there was a student that finished your surgery.
• 25:47
  Angela: Is that what you're saying?
• 25:48
  Crystal: yeah and she didn't like ask me or anything first if it was okay.
• 25:51
  Crystal: If she showed me up, I thought she was going to be by my side, like she said, and and they were all, like you know, excited for her because it was like her first and stuff and I was just they were saying it was a great job.
• 26:03
  Crystal: But I had had a lot of complications with my not necessarily complications, but like really bad scar tissue problems and just like it was so irritated all of the time and it still is like in some spots, like I did.
• 26:17
  Crystal: I don't know if it's from like the cutting, you never know but I do have some like nerve damage down there from it being so long too.
• 26:24
  Crystal: Cause I did have twins I was um five one and I started out at one 20 and I finished my pregnancy at one, 75 and I was only 34 weeks and five days when I have them.
• 26:36
  Crystal: So I was really small but really, you know, swollen, but I was confident that I could make it work longer, but I didn't.
• 26:44
  Crystal: I don't know.
• 26:44
  Crystal: It all happened so fast that I didn't expect to have them when I did and then they I never got to hold them or I think I had one, a pic.
• 26:54
  Crystal: I have a picture of one next to me, but the other one was rushed over immediately needed, you know, suction and everything else like this.
• 27:01
  Crystal: Mind you, there's never been anything said about growth restriction in any specific way.
• 27:08
  Crystal: Later on that night I find out that they were actually the closest to height and weight that they have seen in twins in a while and that hurt my fucking heart.
• 27:16
  Crystal: It hurt me so bad and I didn't so the whole time.
• 27:20
  Crystal: They're baby A, they're baby B.
• 27:20
  Crystal: You know who's going to come out first.
• 27:22
  Crystal: You know, and I had names for them picked out for, like, where they were, their personalities, I knew them.
• 27:28
  Crystal: I'm so in tune with my body and everything else Like I just I feel like that was something that triggered me to my core was I didn't realize that I was going to be pumped with all these medications and I was going to be out of it.
• 27:41
  Crystal: So when the babies came out, they came out opposite my son.
• 27:46
  Crystal: Zayden was now A and Zeb was now B, and it was the opposite before that and I couldn't understand it.
• 27:54
  Crystal: I would argue with all of the nurses.
• 27:56
  Crystal: I would argue with my boyfriend.
• 27:58
  Crystal: Their birth certificate ended up being all of the nurses, I would argue with my boyfriend.
• 28:01
  Crystal: Their birth certificates ended up being kind of messed up and I was terrified of paperwork because I wasn't me.
• 28:05
  Crystal: I didn't want to get anything wrong because I couldn't even tell my babies apart.
• 28:08
  Crystal: I couldn't connect with them like I wanted to.
• 28:10
  Crystal: When I came to I was a mess.
• 28:13
  Crystal: I just was crying.
• 28:14
  Crystal: I was just not okay and, mind you, I was the best mentally and emotionally the whole time I was pregnant.
• 28:21
  Crystal: Apparently, there are some women I've learned that are like that, where they thrive during pregnancy and they struggle really bad mentally, hormonally when they're not, and I think it's estrogen-based or something.
• 28:33
  Crystal: I haven't quite figured it out.
• 28:34
  Crystal: I've met a holistic psychologist and I've learned a lot since, but we'll get into that.
• 28:39
  Crystal: And the NICU was really, really hard for both me and my boyfriend.
• 28:45
  Crystal: We thought that it was just going to be a couple of days.
• 28:47
  Crystal: So I brought four outfits and they were mostly like wear in the hospital outfits and I stayed four nights.
• 28:54
  Crystal: My sons were not ready to go home and they came to me and said to me that I had to go home but we could come back to visit them and if we really wanted to, we could stay the night with them, but they were going to be there a little while.
• 29:12
  Crystal: We didn't understand that.
• 29:14
  Crystal: I didn't understand that.
• 29:15
  Crystal: I broke down, I was bawling, I'm like we don't have the money.
• 29:17
  Crystal: Like Portland's pretty far from where we live, I mean it's like an hour and 45 minutes, but it's still that's quite a bit for us where we don't have a lot of money and at least gas money like that.
• 29:30
  Crystal: We have enough to get by and that's kind of how we have always lived and we had a lot of help.
• 29:39
  Crystal: But we haven't always had a lot of help, so it was hard to expect or ask for it.
• 29:42
  Crystal: Um, when, you know, it just came out of the blue.
• 29:44
  Crystal: They finally broke down and gave me the Ronald McDonald idea um, to go there.
• 29:52
  Crystal: And that is what I did and I was terrified, I was nervous.
• 29:57
  Crystal: I had this vision of coming home with my babies.
• 30:00
  Crystal: I never expected to have to go anywhere else and, you know, stay anywhere else without them.
• 30:05
  Crystal: So that was hard for me and I stayed at the hotel as long as I could.
• 30:09
  Crystal: But I was also trying to nurse.
• 30:12
  Crystal: I really was determined to breastfeed and that was another process I I meant to bring up.
• 30:21
  Crystal: They asked me about the cord clamping and they asked me about the placenta.
• 30:26
  Crystal: And they asked me about, you know, the circumcisions and like all of those questions that you go through.
• 30:32
  Crystal: But they didn't explain to me what the benefits were behind anything.
• 30:35
  Crystal: They didn't explain to me where they go afterwards.
• 30:38
  Crystal: They didn't say anything about any of that.
• 30:41
  Crystal: So I had no clue.
• 30:43
  Crystal: I kind of I knew a little bit about placenta stuff.
• 30:46
  Crystal: I had done a lot of research on consuming your own placenta and I had always wanted to do that.
• 30:51
  Crystal: But my boyfriend thought I was crazy.
• 30:53
  Crystal: The doctors are like, yeah, some people do that, you know, like they were just very strange about it and the cord clamping thing, they.
• 31:01
  Crystal: They also were saying I don't know why people do that.
• 31:05
  Crystal: They were kind of like, yeah, it's a little weird, like they were very weird about it and so I was like, okay, yeah, I'm not weird, I'm not going to do that.
• 31:13
  Crystal: You know, it's like I don't know.
• 31:15
  Crystal: And they were saying like stuff about religious or like religion.
• 31:18
  Crystal: And I wasn't super religious at the time in my life and when I was going through all of that, so I didn't really know what most people would do.
• 31:27
  Crystal: I didn't have.
• 31:27
  Crystal: I had just lost my grandmother, who was my mother figure a couple of years prior, and I had no one to go to like motherly wives.
• 31:34
  Crystal: I had no one to ask.
• 31:35
  Crystal: So I kind of just did minimal research to not scare myself too much and I just kept going with what they helped me think was best basically.
• 31:47
  Crystal: So I don't know exactly, I don't want to like drag on the NICU days because they were really really really long.
• 31:54
  Crystal: But one of my sons was in there for 69 days and we were in the Ronald McDonald house for 65 days and the other one was home with us for about almost 40 days.
• 32:08
  Crystal: I think it was 42 days of that.
• 32:10
  Crystal: So he got out much earlier.
• 32:12
  Crystal: But one of them, over time, was diagnosed with hypoplasia to the left lung and two weeks before this diagnosis they took him off oxygen and they told us that he would be fine and be able to feed soon and be able to get ready to go home.
• 32:31
  Crystal: Like his brother was on his way to get ready to go home.
• 32:34
  Crystal: They just kept telling us that and so I was very, very patient.
• 32:39
  Crystal: The NICU days were so exhausting and long and hard and I was pumping and going back and forth from the Ronald McDonald house with my newborn and going to see my other one.
• 32:49
  Crystal: We knew something was wrong and we had an at-home healthcare nurse that we had come to the Ronald McDonald house with our other child because we were just nervous parents and we needed that extra security and she was also a lactation consultant so she could help me with all of my stuff.
• 33:04
  Crystal: But she listened to our concerns and kind of helped us learn how to advocate for ourselves, cause that's something none of us knew how to do until we met this nurse and she told us to bring it up to them and, you know, get them to kind of explore their options.
• 33:23
  Crystal: And so we did.
• 33:24
  Crystal: And they said we don't go looking for zebras unless you know something is whatever.
• 33:31
  Crystal: And it was funny because our boys are both Z names and we were like, ok, of course you like whatever.
• 33:35
  Crystal: We're rolling our eyes, we're like whatever.
• 33:37
  Crystal: But something's wrong here and you could see the difference and we're not sure still to this day if that hypoplasia was is from before he was born or if it's because he was taken off oxygen before he was ready.
• 33:51
  Crystal: Are in factor here, like he always had it harder in a lot of ways than his brother did.
• 34:01
  Crystal: He was like in a darker room, he I don't, I don't know.
• 34:03
  Crystal: I just felt like that.
• 34:04
  Crystal: He was just very sensitive to everything from the get-go.
• 34:09
  Angela: I've heard a lot of stories about how, like one baby will be more affected from the anesthesia of the surgery than the other one.
• 34:16
  Crystal: I've thought about that too.
• 34:17
  Crystal: Yeah, so disturbing to think about because I would have never done that to them if I knew.
• 34:25
  Crystal: And the connection thing like I still have people to this day like say stuff about my Zebby, he's my, he was my baby, a now he's my baby, but they always say he was the one that was on oxygen.
• 34:38
  Crystal: They say that he has, like a, an attachment issue or like something's just different about him.
• 34:44
  Crystal: He's a couple of weeks behind in some things than his brother is.
• 34:48
  Crystal: He's just very, very different.
• 34:50
  Crystal: He's very sensitive and like, yes, they have different personalities, but and he's also a lot smaller.
• 34:55
  Crystal: His brother's about oh, I don't even know his exact weight right now, but he is in the 99th percentile and his brother Zeb's about probably, I think, 97th percentile.
• 35:06
  Crystal: So they're doing really well, considering that they were preemies.
• 35:10
  Crystal: But yeah, there's a lot they don't tell you.
• 35:13
  Crystal: I also meant to mention this is something that blew my mind.
• 35:17
  Crystal: I went through so many specialists with my son and this is probably the craziest thing when you have a preemie, they encourage you to supplement with Neoshor, no matter if you're breastfeeding or if you're bottle feeding or anything like that.
• 35:30
  Crystal: So of course I did.
• 35:33
  Crystal: I supplemented with Neoshor, and Neoshor is 22 calories, where a regular formula is 20 calories and breast milk can be anywhere from 20 to 20 calories and breast milk can be anywhere from 20 to I think it can be up to like 40 calories and so it kind of varies and they just assume that your pre-meat needs that extra, extra calories to get through.
• 35:57
  Crystal: And it is like once you combine them together it is a lot and if you do it wrong, if you mess up at all, you're giving them so many calories at once it's overloading their bladder and every like all of their organs and stuff.
• 36:08
  Crystal: And my son ended up with a kidney stone and they wouldn't have found it if they weren't doing other ultras.
• 36:18
  Crystal: Little kidney stone, but they found it in a preemie baby.
• 36:24
  Crystal: So he had to go to the urologist and further down the road he had hair on his testicles and they said that that's just like a hormone imbalance and they kind of just like, shoot us off.
• 36:36
  Crystal: They're like it's fine.
• 36:36
  Crystal: The weirdest things happen and like my other son had hemangioma and he had one on his testicle and it's like a buildup of red blood cells.
• 36:47
  Crystal: You have to get like a special fancy eye drop to put on it to minimize it or you can have it removed, but you would.
• 36:54
  Crystal: It's like a cosmetic thing.
• 36:56
  Crystal: Most people don't do that, and there were just so many little weird things about them that I would have never been prepared for.
• 37:03
  Crystal: Nobody I've met has babies that have been through things similar to what my boys had to go through, and like the hearing tests and like all the extra preemie stuff and the way that our doctors treat us because they were preemies or if I had to bring them into the hospital or something.
• 37:22
  Crystal: Zeb is just like any other baby.
• 37:24
  Crystal: He doesn't struggle very much.
• 37:27
  Crystal: You don't see it ever.
• 37:28
  Crystal: He's never had any RSV or any other conditions as such.
• 37:32
  Crystal: He's been in the clear since he got off his oxygen at eight months and he's two and a half now and he's been thriving ever since.
• 37:40
  Crystal: Never has had to go back on.
• 37:41
  Crystal: And they treat us like we're crazy.
• 37:45
  Crystal: Usually it's just an ear infection or something that he has that I'm just like I can't figure out what's going on.
• 37:50
  Crystal: But they they look at us like we're crazy for not bringing him in sooner or um, why didn't you tell us his history first and this and that and the other thing, and sometimes we kind of forget just because he's doing so well.
• 38:02
  Crystal: We see him and his pulmonologist is like he's chilling, everything's fine, and so I feel that way.
• 38:09
  Crystal: But his doctors and his you know, anybody else is like in panics and hysterics all the time Like I need to be extra cautious about everything and I am.
• 38:18
  Crystal: But me being chill about it like offends them, if that makes sense.
• 38:22
  Angela: But I'm comfortable because I've asked the questions, I've done the research and it's like yeah, it can really feel like their way or the highway, and if you choose something different, then you must be neglecting your child, right?
• 38:33
  Angela: Even though you see them every day and they're thriving.
• 38:37
  Crystal: They're like ready to eat alive.
• 38:39
  Angela: So when you were in the NICU they were having you supplement with that formula.
• 38:42
  Angela: Were they supportive of breastfeeding at all, or how did that go?
• 38:46
  Crystal: They were pump instead and, like the lactation consultants would give me specific numbers that I would need to pump every day to make enough for my twins and all of these other things in that would get me down so badly and I didn't realize.
• 39:00
  Crystal: The medications they give you after to heal too can affect your mental state too, and your mental state really has a lot to do with the way that you're connecting to your baby.
• 39:09
  Crystal: You're connecting to your breasts when you're pumping.
• 39:11
  Crystal: So I was just like forcing it out at all times.
• 39:13
  Crystal: It was just like not a good thing.
• 39:15
  Crystal: But I also felt like I couldn't do that.
• 39:19
  Crystal: When they were around, some nurses were really weird about it and because they were preemies, they were scared that they were going to aspirate and it is possible.
• 39:26
  Crystal: I knew what to look out for me and my boyfriend didn't do it until we got really comfortable in there.
• 39:31
  Crystal: We knew that they could, but every nurse each day is different.
• 39:34
  Crystal: They don't know his history, they don't know him.
• 39:36
  Crystal: So we had one trying to delay bottle feeding with him and wanted to send him home on a G tube or a fee I think that's what it's called the feeding tube and the nurse the next day was like no, this, this kid can bottle feed.
• 39:49
  Crystal: He's ready to go and he just needed a super preemie size.
• 39:53
  Crystal: But he could do it.
• 39:54
  Crystal: He was just extra ravenous and would pull very hard and he had kind of like a latching problem that they refused to assess because he was on oxygen and, um, that was like.
• 40:04
  Crystal: Another big thing is I had a much harder time connecting with him in that way.
• 40:09
  Crystal: His brothers ate and I could, because he wasn't on oxygen and he wasn't having a hard time like getting tired and stuff like that, but his brother was.
• 40:19
  Crystal: But they really really pressured me to do formula and to make a certain amount and I should be pumping and I should be pumping.
• 40:26
  Crystal: When was the last time you pumped?
• 40:28
  Crystal: And they would ask me that all the time they were always like looking in the fridge well, mom doesn't have any milk and like making comments like I don't or wow, you did a good job today.
• 40:39
  Crystal: And okay, it was so hard for me mentally and emotionally and once I finally was off the meds that they gave me, like I still didn't feel like I was connected to them.
• 40:51
  Crystal: I was.
• 40:52
  Crystal: I was definitely looking back, I was connected to them, but I never felt like I was.
• 40:56
  Crystal: I think it took me up until I was almost done breastfeeding to feel super connected to them and every time I had a letdown I had a really bad depressive episode, and they don't tell you about that either.
• 41:09
  Crystal: I didn't learn about that till recently.
• 41:11
  Crystal: Honestly, I was like, oh, I had the same problem.
• 41:14
  Crystal: But some women do.
• 41:15
  Crystal: They have these opposite of euphoric letdowns and it's fairly hard for them when they're looking at their baby and they're having these sad thoughts Like you feel like something's wrong with you and it's easy to you know, judge and feel that disconnect, even if it's not really there.
• 41:34
  Crystal: I think it really hit me really badly, emotionally and mentally and even physically, like I.
• 41:41
  Crystal: I had to run back and forth, I was never able to rest, so I wasn't able to heal.
• 41:45
  Crystal: I was in pain all the time.
• 41:47
  Crystal: They don't tell you about after C-sections that it's really hard to use the bathroom and I guess after birth it is too.
• 41:55
  Crystal: Possibly I don't, I don't know from experience, but it took me six days to be able to even and I was never one to not be able to do it in the comfort of my own home and I never got to go home.
• 42:07
  Crystal: So I don't know if that would have affected anything differently, but I had a very hard time with that and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone ever.
• 42:15
  Crystal: I think it was the meds that I was on that made the yeah, that's what it was.
• 42:20
  Crystal: It was definitely the Oxy stuff that I will never take if I can help it, never again.
• 42:26
  Crystal: I think that altered my brain chemistry forever as well, because I had never taken anything like that and postpartum led down the road to I like refused to take anything.
• 42:39
  Crystal: The whole time I breastfed, and that was for five, six months at, I think.
• 42:44
  Crystal: Around five months.
• 42:45
  Crystal: Covid wiped out my entire supply.
• 42:48
  Crystal: I was only getting milliliters at a time when I was getting five ounces out of each um at time and I couldn't produce anymore.
• 42:57
  Crystal: I tried for weeks.
• 42:58
  Crystal: I was expressing milliliters out every single day and giving that to them and it didn't feel like it was enough.
• 43:05
  Crystal: I finally just gave it up and I that's when I finally went to physical therapy for my surgery.
• 43:11
  Crystal: That's when I finally went to the chiropractor.
• 43:13
  Crystal: That's when I finally went to real therapy to get mental health help, and one of the first stops was the psychiatrist.
• 43:22
  Crystal: That was like here you go for the medication and I went through about 13 different mental health medications in like 13.
• 43:33
  Crystal: No, it was probably no, I think it was 13 months, and it was like 11 or 12 mental health medications that I went through in 13 months and after that I said no more.
• 43:47
  Crystal: I had a really bad reaction to one of them and it was Ativan.
• 43:51
  Crystal: I was just not okay.
• 43:53
  Crystal: I was so depressed.
• 43:54
  Crystal: The real issue is I was nutrient deprived.
• 43:59
  Crystal: I wasn't as depressed or OCD or any of the other things as badly as I thought I was.
• 44:07
  Crystal: I was even having really bad PTSD symptoms from my parasympathetic nervous system.
• 44:12
  Crystal: Shutting down Surgery can play a part.
• 44:15
  Crystal: Becoming a mom and carrying babies like that can play a part apart.
• 44:19
  Crystal: Years of occasional substance abuse because I had trauma and trauma, childhood trauma All of it is just at the forefront at that time, as after you have children and if you don't take care of your body or you don't have the nutrients that you need and you don't prioritize that, you definitely fall apart and a lot of different ranges can come from that, including psychosis, like things as I was always scared of, so scared of.
• 44:48
  Crystal: It takes nothing to stop taking care of yourself if you have too many appointments or you don't have enough help.
• 44:54
  Crystal: And I went through a lot of that, not having a mom or a grandma.
• 44:57
  Crystal: My boyfriend doesn't have any grandmas or mothers, it's just his dad and my dad's not even really in the picture so, and I don't have any sisters and he doesn't have any sisters.
• 45:09
  Crystal: So we were really like screwed on health and I I looked for a mother's helper.
• 45:14
  Crystal: My brother has a girlfriend.
• 45:16
  Crystal: I thought that she would be super helpful and it was.
• 45:20
  Crystal: It was good, and she had her own baby and can't be there as much for me and I can't be there as much for her.
• 45:27
  Crystal: So it's just, it doesn't work.
• 45:29
  Crystal: And so I was alone and I had to figure it out and I had to advocate for myself and learn the ins and outs of everything, therapy and stuff.
• 45:46
  Crystal: I finally got diagnosed with POTS by a cardiologist.
• 45:48
  Crystal: They tried to offer me meds but I said no, thank you.
• 45:51
  Crystal: I asked for the alternative.
• 45:51
  Crystal: I was diagnosed with just like a bunch of random autoimmune stuff, like stigma, like just everything in my body changed, everything about me changed, and I always blamed it on the COVID shot, because the POTS was technically related by the cardiologist to the COVID shot or COVID, and you don't know what you're getting there.
• 46:13
  Crystal: So there's a lot that goes into play and it's really hard to tell what came from what.
• 46:17
  Crystal: I also think my nervous system being damaged was the host for the autoimmune stuff.
• 46:23
  Crystal: But it's really hard to manage once you have children and it all happens like that.
• 46:27
  Crystal: Once you have a big surgery like that, it's dominoes.
• 46:30
  Crystal: After that you kind of get older a lot faster and I had always dreamed of a natural birth.
• 46:38
  Crystal: I had dreamed of the stuff you take photos of and that is everything in the world I had ever dreamed of, and instead, like I had a curtain up and a lot of separation between me and the connection to my children and I had two and I could have never prepared myself for any of that at all.
• 46:56
  Crystal: It's just nerve wracking.
• 46:59
  Angela: It is, it is and it's hard and it just yeah, I feel I feel for you.
• 47:03
  Angela: It happened to a lot of moms and I appreciate you sharing your story.
• 47:08
  Angela: Is there anything else you want to share about your NICU experience or your postpartum Like how are things when you, when you got home?
• 47:17
  Crystal: So I have.
• 47:17
  Crystal: The first thing I think of is my cats.
• 47:19
  Crystal: I have like cats and I had a dog and stuff, and so when I I left, I had everything prepared.
• 47:26
  Crystal: I thought I knew, like you know, I was going to use this changing table here and I'm going to do this there.
• 47:31
  Crystal: Um, I went to the NICU and everything's clean, sanitized.
• 47:35
  Crystal: I wore a mask.
• 47:36
  Crystal: That's another thing.
• 47:37
  Crystal: I had to wear a mask, so I felt embarrassed, like I felt.
• 47:42
  Crystal: Well, I wasn't allowed to necessarily pull my mask down to connect with my baby, but I did anyway.
• 47:47
  Crystal: Some nurses were okay with it, but some nurses were not okay with it, so I was scared, I didn't know to assume to do that.
• 47:53
  Crystal: Um, so every time the curtain was not there, I had to put it up, and so when we were out with our first son we get that first glimpse in the Ronald McDonald house the only place we could take our masks off was our room.
• 48:05
  Crystal: I couldn't have food or drinks up in my room, so I had to go down to the common room to eat and drink for that first.
• 48:12
  Crystal: That was the worst thing, and I would.
• 48:15
  Crystal: I would sneak snacks up sometimes, sorry guys.
• 48:18
  Crystal: Um, if you're listening, that's the only way I would stay alive.
• 48:22
  Crystal: Because I was so exhausted, because I was expected to pump for 30 minutes and I was trying to breastfeed and I was traveling back and forth from the NICU because I had to be there as often as I could.
• 48:31
  Crystal: I just couldn't not.
• 48:33
  Crystal: I was lucky my boyfriend stayed home with me that whole two months, like he was not going back to work.
• 48:37
  Crystal: He was like no, this is my children, like I'm staying and to support me because I really didn't have anyone else and so I didn't have any cats in the Royal McDonald house.
• 48:47
  Crystal: My room was always clean.
• 48:48
  Crystal: I had everything organized, ready to go.
• 48:49
  Crystal: There was like this tiny confined space.
• 48:51
  Crystal: Same thing with my boy's room.
• 48:52
  Crystal: They had, like you know, a twin room where, like you could kind of walk into the next boy's room and they were always right there next to each other.
• 49:01
  Crystal: But their rooms were still really small.
• 49:03
  Crystal: I could only get up.
• 49:03
  Crystal: They were connected to wires and my Zebby was connected to wires for eight months, like on his toes and with his cannula on his face, and that could be also why he's a little extra sensitive these days.
• 49:15
  Crystal: I do consider it quite often, but he was very hard to, you know, bring around.
• 49:26
  Crystal: His oxygen tank stayed in the same place, connected to the wall.
• 49:28
  Crystal: The cord was only so long and when we went home our cord was a lot shorter.
• 49:34
  Crystal: It was a tank on our back and we only had one strap.
• 49:38
  Crystal: They acted like it was going to be this cool backpack and we were going to be these cool parents, but it wasn't.
• 49:43
  Crystal: It was just a swing on your back can or a big tank and we had to have people come to our house and exchange the tank.
• 49:52
  Crystal: But I was terrified on the way home because the readers aren't always.
• 49:55
  Crystal: I don't know if you've been there with somebody in the hospital and their readers aren't reading and it's beeping and you think something's wrong, but it's not.
• 50:02
  Crystal: And so the whole way home I had to keep looking back at the monitor to make sure that it was reading correctly and that it wasn't just beeping for no reason.
• 50:12
  Crystal: And we're on the highway and we're terrified.
• 50:14
  Crystal: My heart is pounding and they don't tell you about the postpartum anxiety either.
• 50:19
  Crystal: I'm like what if a truck hits us?
• 50:20
  Crystal: What if this happens?
• 50:21
  Crystal: What if that happens?
• 50:22
  Crystal: He's on oxygen.
• 50:23
  Crystal: What if it blows?
• 50:23
  Crystal: I'm losing my mind every day, all the time, and it's in the summer because I had him in the spring.
• 50:30
  Crystal: So we were terrified of that transition.
• 50:32
  Crystal: And then the cats with the oxygen tanks and the tubes.
• 50:35
  Crystal: We were terrified.
• 50:36
  Crystal: So we had extra on deck 24-7.
• 50:39
  Crystal: Everything was fine.
• 50:40
  Crystal: But we had to change the canister, like even a hair got on there, because you don't want to risk anything or any lung infections, and there's just so much they don't prepare you for.
• 50:50
  Crystal: They didn't even mention anything about that stuff before I left.
• 50:53
  Crystal: I just I had to think of this stuff and I had to prepare myself for it and I guess, of course, but the oxygen stuff I could have never been prepared for.
• 51:01
  Crystal: And we we did have a at home nurse that did come to my home and you know, make sure everything was going smoothly and everything was okay and he was okay and the oxygen stuff was good and so we had the reassurance there.
• 51:14
  Crystal: But our house is a lot bigger, so we were overwhelmed constantly.
• 51:18
  Crystal: I felt like, because I had cats, nothing was sanitized ever.
• 51:23
  Crystal: I was disturbed.
• 51:24
  Crystal: I was so disturbed by everything dust, anything because the hospital is so clean and I thought for sure I was going to be the reason that my babies got sick, because I couldn't.
• 51:35
  Crystal: You know the nesting phase, you're always cleaning and you're preparing and I had done that, but I didn't realize that it was going to get so much worse once they were there and I wanted to keep them safe and they are a risk at this point because they're preemies and they they never failed to remind me of that.
• 51:52
  Crystal: And yeah, going to appointments, you know they they encouraged me to stay out of like daycares and stuff with them.
• 52:00
  Crystal: So I felt like I couldn't have anyone near me even if I was able to have a village at that point I wouldn't have allowed it and I felt like I went through so much by myself with my partner that I was like no one will ever understand any of this.
• 52:14
  Crystal: I don't even want to talk about it.
• 52:16
  Crystal: And I'm still like that.
• 52:17
  Crystal: Unless somebody asked me a specific question, I kind of just don't talk about it.
• 52:22
  Crystal: I'll talk about the oxygen thing every once in a while, cause it's wild to me that I had twins and a baby on oxygen when my dad wouldn't even give me the ADHD diagnosis I needed, you know, and he wouldn't help me with that.
• 52:35
  Crystal: So it's like being that parent that you never expected to be, but also being put in these challenging medical situations and the medical thing was a sensitive thing to me.
• 52:47
  Crystal: I felt like I had gotten thrown into a medical-based world at a young age because when my grandmother passed there was a lot going wrong.
• 52:59
  Crystal: They weren't diagnosing things as they should have been.
• 53:03
  Crystal: She actually had a really bad autoimmune disorder killing her, and there was stuff they could have done to help her out, but they kept diagnosing U UTIs and just like terrible things.
• 53:12
  Crystal: So ever since then I paid attention, I wrote things down.
• 53:17
  Crystal: I really wanted to be aware of everything going on around me, like if a doctor told me I had a UTI, when it was a bladder infection.
• 53:26
  Crystal: I wanted to be able to help advocate for myself and people around me, and I think everything kind of happens for a reason.
• 53:33
  Crystal: I wouldn't change anything for the world.
• 53:35
  Crystal: I'm so proud of myself and my partner and my boys and everyone you know for what we've gone through.
• 53:41
  Crystal: But I just like I never would have imagined it like this.
• 53:46
  Crystal: But I also have like a heavy interest in the way things should be versus how they are medical wise, and it's something that really drives me a lot.
• 53:59
  Crystal: It's hard for me because I do wonder like how it would have benefited them if I did wait, or you know, there's just so many little details as to things that happened, you know, throughout their time in the NICU and things that I learned, like skin to skin is so important, but also like having a baby at 34 weeks.
• 54:20
  Crystal: You're not gonna just go home and I don't know.
• 54:23
  Crystal: I stuff I would have never imagined.
• 54:25
  Crystal: I I I didn't even know the NICU was the way it was.
• 54:29
  Crystal: I I had no walkthrough of it before.
• 54:33
  Crystal: There was like an online virtual thing and I kind of looked at it, but I didn't think we'd be there long, so I just didn't think.
• 54:40
  Angela: Yeah.
• 54:41
  Angela: So now, as a final question if you were to give advice to someone who's expecting, or new parents, or even other families who might be experiencing or planning for a NICU stay, what would be the biggest thing you'd want to share with them?
• 54:59
  Crystal: Definitely do your research on C-sections and if it's especially if it's your first pregnancy explore all options.
• 55:07
  Crystal: And if you can't afford to do it the way you really, really want to, do your absolute best to advocate for yourself as loud and boldly as you possibly can.
• 55:18
  Crystal: Don't let those like anxieties and worries get in the way.
• 55:22
  Crystal: You know your body and your baby best and as long as you allow yourself to connect and you, you'll feel it in your gut, you'll know what choice to make.
• 55:30
  Crystal: And second, if you are expecting, definitely do your research on possible NICU stays.
• 55:39
  Crystal: It's a pretty big deal and anything can happen.
• 55:44
  Crystal: I mean, I was there and so many people were called in for emergency situations or they were in an accident and had to deliver early.
• 55:51
  Crystal: Sometimes you really don't have a choice and I just want people to consider just everything they possibly can without scaring them.
• 55:58
  Crystal: The best thing to do as a mom is keep your stress managed, but it's very hard.
• 56:05
  Angela: So you are also a photographer.
• 56:08
  Angela: Would you share a little bit about your business and the types of things that you specialize in?
• 56:14
  Crystal: So I started fully in March.
• 56:16
  Crystal: I had just got my camera around that time and I started practicing and getting really comfortable with my settings.
• 56:22
  Crystal: But I've always loved taking pictures.
• 56:24
  Crystal: Especially since I had my twins, my style and taste changed tremendously because I knew what I wanted for them and the pictures that are going to last forever and that motherly instinct of you know all the wants and needs and stuff.
• 56:36
  Crystal: So I really just dove right into it.
• 56:39
  Crystal: The second I put I started with maternity.
• 56:41
  Crystal: I loved every second of it.
• 56:43
  Crystal: I did a couple more maternity after that and I did some couples and some newborns.
• 56:50
  Crystal: I've been kind of dabbling with that, but I'm still a little nervous on the handling of things.
• 56:56
  Crystal: So I'm not professional yet.
• 56:57
  Crystal: I'm definitely just starting out, but I live in the most beautiful area for this kind of thing and I couldn't pass up the opportunity either, and I don't really know what else to say.
• 57:09
  Crystal: I'm kind of just like going with it at this point.
• 57:13
  Crystal: I'm just trying to build my brand and really just serve people and make them feel good about themselves and kind of just like connect in all of those ways that you can, and if there's anything I can do to make anyone feel better.
• 57:30
  Crystal: I would absolutely do that at any given point in time because I'm such an uncomfortable person in front of the camera so I can't.
• 57:36
  Crystal: I just can't do it sometimes.
• 57:38
  Crystal: So I definitely know what it feels like to be that anxious, awkward person.
• 57:43
  Crystal: So I really like to be there for people and help them really feel like them true selves Photography is such a great way to do that too.
• 57:52
  Angela: I feel like um, so will you share like your business name and how we can find you?
• 57:58
  Crystal: My business name is evergreen imagery slash M E.
• 58:03
  Crystal: Um, you can find me on Facebook.
• 58:06
  Crystal: I'm soon going to be putting up my website and you can book through there, but right now, um, I'm only booking through my Facebook.
• 58:12
  Crystal: It's kind of like a little small biz kind of thing going on.
• 58:16
  Crystal: Yeah, I live in the Nuri area and I live in the most beautiful area near Grafton Notch and I just have all the happenings right here.
• 58:24
  Crystal: I'm just a drive away.
• 58:25
  Crystal: So if anyone ever wants to come up here and do anything fun, here I am.
• 58:30
  Angela: Oh my gosh, I love it.
• 58:31
  Angela: I will link all of your information in the show notes for anyone that wants to connect with you out in that area.
• 58:36
  Angela: It's so pretty.
• 58:37
  Angela: I love the like adventure photo sessions it really is.
• 58:41
  Crystal: Yeah, it's awesome, yeah well.
• 58:44
  Angela: Thank you so much, crystal, for sharing your story with us today.
• 58:47
  Angela: It's been such a pleasure hearing it and chatting with you.
• 58:51
  Crystal: Thank you so much and I appreciate you so much for taking the time.
• 58:56
  Angela: And that's the end of another episode of the my Main Birth podcast.
• 59:01
  Angela: Thank you for joining me and listening.
• 59:03
  Angela: If you're looking to document your birth story or if you're interested in doula support for your upcoming birth, head over to my website, mymainbirthcom and check out my packages.
• 59:16
  Angela: I'm a certified professional birth photographer and an experienced doula, and I offer in-person services to families throughout the state of Maine, as well as virtual birth coaching worldwide.
• 59:29
  Angela: I want to invite you to grab my top free resource for newly pregnant moms.
• 59:35
  Angela: It's called 37 questions to ask your care provider whether you've already established care or if you're in the process of interviewing new providers.
• 59:44
  Angela: This is for you.
• 59:46
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• 59:55
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• 59:57
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• 1:00:01
  Angela: Thank you again for tuning in and I look forward to bringing you more amazing birth stories.
• 1:00:08
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