Latest / The Growth Mindset Book Podcast: Ideas That Change the Way You Think / The Power of a Question: Stop Telling, Start Asking

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The Power of a Question: Stop Telling, Start Asking · The Growth Mindset Book Podcast: Ideas That Change the Way You Think

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about something that I believe can completely change the way you communicate with people.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean everybody your spouse, your children, your clients, your employees, your friends, even people you've just met.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's something incredibly simple, but once you understand it, you may never look at conversations the same way again.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the idea.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Stop telling people what to think and start asking questions that help them think for themselves.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about this.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever tried to convince somebody of something that you absolutely knew was right?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were giving them advice, trying to help them make a decision, or trying to get them to see something that seemed so obvious to you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you explained it, the more they resisted.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever experienced that?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you have.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: We all have.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't it interesting that sometimes the harder we try to convince somebody, the harder they seem to push back?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you think that happens?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, think about it from their perspective.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: When somebody tells you what you should do, what's your natural reaction?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you listen, but other times something inside you immediately says, wait a second, I can make my own decisions.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And now, instead of thinking about whether the idea is good, you're thinking about defending your position.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: The conversation has changed.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's no longer about discovering what's right, it's about who's right.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where we get into trouble.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because most people don't enjoy being told what to think, but almost everybody enjoys coming to their own conclusions.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the power of asking questions.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you a really simple example.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you have a friend who keeps complaining about their job.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you see them, it's the same conversation.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: They don't like their boss, they're unhappy with their income, and they don't enjoy going to work.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard this for months.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So one day you finally say, You need to find another job.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think happens?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: They say, Well, it's not that easy.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've got bills, the job market isn't great, I've been there a long time.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly they're giving you every reason why they can't do the very thing you think they should do.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's have that same conversation a completely different way.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your friend tells you how unhappy they are, and instead of giving advice, you ask, can I ask you something?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you could change one thing about your work situation, what would it be?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now they're thinking.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they say, I'd love to work somewhere I actually enjoy going every day.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You say, that makes sense.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: What would that look like for you?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now they're thinking some more.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: They start describing the kind of company they'd love to work for, the people they'd enjoy being around, and the income they'd like to earn.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then you ask, do you think something like that exists?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They say, yeah, probably.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you ask, well, what do you think would be the first step toward finding it?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they say, I guess I could start looking.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see what just happened?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't tell them to find another job.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: They came up with the idea themselves.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I find so fascinating about that.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: The conclusion might be exactly the same, but the experience of getting there is completely different.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: In the first conversation, they're defending why they can't change.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: In the second conversation, they're discovering how they might.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Same person, same problem, different approach, and potentially a completely different result.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, think about how powerful this can be in business.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're working with a salesperson who isn't making enough calls.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know they need to increase their activity, they know they need to increase their activity, everybody knows it.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: So what do most managers do?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: They say, you need to make more calls.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And what does the salesperson say?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's my question.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: If they already know, why aren't they doing it?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the problem isn't that they need somebody else to tell them what to do.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they need somebody to help them understand why they're not doing it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of saying, you need to make more calls, imagine asking, let me ask you something.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are you happy with the results you're getting right now?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: They say no.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what result would you like to be getting?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: They tell you, great, what do you think needs to happen for you to get there?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they say, I need to talk to more people.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't tell them that, they told you.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then you ask, what's been getting in the way of doing that?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're getting somewhere.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's fear, maybe it's procrastination, maybe they don't believe the calls will produce results, or maybe they're spending too much time on things that aren't important.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, you're finally having a conversation about the real issue.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something I want you to remember.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: A great question doesn't just help someone find an answer, it can help them discover the real problem.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't solve a problem you haven't identified.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how often we give people answers to questions they haven't even asked.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: We hear a problem and immediately we want to fix it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's human nature, especially when we care about somebody.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: We want to help, we want to save them time, and we want to give them the benefit of our experience.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And our intentions are wonderful.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the best way to help somebody isn't to give them the answer, it's to help them discover it.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're talking to your son or daughter and they're not putting much effort into school.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: You could say, you need to study harder.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: You need to take school seriously, you're going to regret this someday.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe everything you're saying is true, but what are they hearing?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're hearing another lecture.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what happens during a lecture?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the time, people stop listening.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, imagine asking, can I ask you something?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want your life to look like five years from now?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't know, and that's okay.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Ask another question.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What are some things you'd really love to be able to do?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let them talk.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think would help you get there?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the time is right, ask, how do you think what you're doing in school today connects to the future you want?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe they begin seeing a connection they hadn't thought about before.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But at least you're having a conversation instead of delivering a speech.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something else.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you ask somebody a genuine question, you're communicating something very important.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're telling them that their thoughts matter.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're saying, I want to understand how you see this.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that something we all want?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: We want to feel heard, we want to feel understood, and we want to know that what we think matters.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Questions can do that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to take this one step further because there's a difference between asking questions to understand somebody and asking questions to trap somebody.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had somebody ask you a question when you could tell they weren't really interested in your answer?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: They were just trying to get you to say what they wanted you to say.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: How did that feel?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not very good.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm talking about.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to manipulate somebody into agreeing with you.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to help them think clearly enough to reach a conclusion they genuinely believe in.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that conclusion is going to be different from yours, and that's okay.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because a great conversation isn't always one where somebody agrees with you.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's one where both people walk away understanding something they didn't understand before.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's a question I absolutely love, and I want you to start using it.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you say that?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how powerful those four words can be.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody says, that will never work.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, yes it will, ask, what makes you say that?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now you get to understand their thinking.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they've tried something similar before.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they had a bad experience.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they have information you don't have, or maybe they've never really thought it through, but you won't know unless you ask.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another great question.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: What would have to be true for you to feel differently?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, think about that one.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tells you they don't believe something is possible.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of arguing with them, you ask what would need to change for them to reconsider.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're no longer fighting over two positions, you're exploring possibilities.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that can change everything.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about relationships for a minute.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine your spouse says something you completely disagree with.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's the natural response?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: You want to explain why they're wrong, right?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they want to explain why you're wrong.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, you're having an argument.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But what if, instead of responding immediately, you asked, help me understand how you're looking at this?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just that.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Help me understand.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine how many disagreements might turn into conversations if we started there?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we're arguing about something without even understanding what the other person means.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: We're reacting to our interpretation of what they said, not necessarily what they intended.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And a question can clear that up.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's another part of this that I want you to really think about.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: The most powerful questions aren't always the ones we ask other people.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're the ones we ask ourselves.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when something goes wrong in your life?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: What questions do you ask?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this always happen to me?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I ever catch a break?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why are things so difficult?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what happens when you ask those questions?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You start looking for reasons to support them.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you change the questions?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: What can I learn from this?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do differently?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: What's one thing I can do right now to make this better?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Same situation, completely different direction.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: One set of questions keeps you focused on the problem.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: The other gets you thinking about solutions.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that incredible?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you don't have to change the circumstances to begin changing your experience.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You simply have to change the question.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're trying to grow your business and you keep asking yourself, why can't I get more clients?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of answers might you come up with?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The market is terrible.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: People aren't buying.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's too much competition.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now try asking a different question.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: How can I become so valuable to people that they want to work with me?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel the difference?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: The first question has you looking for reasons you're stuck.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: The second has you looking for ways to grow.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the answer is to improve your skills.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to communicate differently.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to provide more value.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's to get better at understanding what people actually need.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: But now your mind is working on something useful.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings me to what I believe is one of the greatest benefits of asking questions.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Questions create ownership.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: When somebody discovers an idea for themselves, they're more likely to feel that it's their idea.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when they feel ownership of an idea, they may be more willing to act on it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you something.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Which commitment would mean more to you?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: One that somebody else told you to make?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or one that you thought through, believed in, and decided to make yourself?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I think the best leaders, the best coaches, the best salespeople, and the best communicators aren't necessarily the people who have the most answers.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: They're often the people who know how to ask the best questions.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not trying to do all the thinking for everybody else.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're helping other people think.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's something else I want you to practice.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this might actually be the hardest part of everything we've talked about today.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: When you ask a question, be quiet.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ask the question and then let the person think.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't immediately answer it for them.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Don't jump in because there's a little silence, and don't rescue them from having to think.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Give them a moment.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most valuable part of a conversation happens during the silence after a great question.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're somebody who likes to talk.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, the objective isn't to demonstrate how much you know, it's to help the other person discover something valuable.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And they need room to do that.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to try.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: For the next seven days, become much more aware of how often you tell people things they could figure out for themselves.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody comes to you with a problem.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Before giving them advice, ask, what do you think you should do?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody disagrees with you.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of defending your position, ask, can you help me understand why you see it that way?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody tells you they can't accomplish something.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of telling them they're wrong, ask, what do you think is stopping you?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then listen.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Really listen.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what I think you'll begin to notice.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: People start opening up, they start thinking, and they start sharing things they might not have shared otherwise.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they come to the exact conclusion you were hoping they'd reach.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: But now it's not because you convince them, it's because they convince themselves.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a much more powerful kind of agreement.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before we finish, I want to ask you one final question.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want you to think about this.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: What if the next breakthrough in somebody's life doesn't come from something you tell them, but from a question you ask them?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your child, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's somebody you work with, maybe it's a client, or maybe it's somebody who's struggling and doesn't believe in themselves.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you don't need to give them a speech.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you don't need to explain everything you know.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you just need to ask the right question.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: A question that helps them see something they couldn't see before, a question that helps them recognize an opportunity, or a question that helps them realize they're capable of more than they thought.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And imagine what happens when they discover that answer for themselves.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you're not just giving them information, you're helping them discover something within themselves.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, that's what great communication is all about.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about winning arguments, it's not about proving you're right, and it's certainly not about making other people think exactly the way you do.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's about helping people think, helping them grow, and helping them see possibilities they might not have seen before.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you're tempted to tell somebody what they should think, what they should believe, or what they should do, try something different.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them a question and then give them the opportunity to discover the answer.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to somebody isn't a statement at all.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a question.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that one question might just change their life.