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S3E19 - Sibling Jealousy: A Middle-Child Perspective · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Kylee,
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  and this is about jealousy
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  amongst siblings.
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  So a very appropriate and universal struggle.
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  So Kylee,
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  thank you so much.
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  And I,
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  when I responded to her after she emailed,
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  my cousin is also named Kieley,
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  spelled differently,
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  but
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  I have a cousin,
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  Kieley,
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  so I have always loved that name and it's nice to have your email,
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  Kylee.
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  Thank you.
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  So let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive in together.
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  Your podcast has helped me so much in my parenting.
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  I have 5 kids
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  and my middle child is a girl who is 7,
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  and she's my spiciest.
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  She's currently in play therapy,
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  and we have seen so many benefits from play therapy.
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  Her birthday is in September,
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  her older sister's birthday in October,
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  and older brother's birthday in November.
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  For her siblings' birthdays,
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  she has complained,
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  thrown fits,
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  and whined all day.
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  She has spent time in her room while they opened presents because
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  she was throwing a fit that they got presents and she didn't.
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  From a parenting perspective,
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  I want her to be allowed to have her feelings,
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  but also she can't ruin her siblings' turn
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  to have their ability to open presents and special day.
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  It has been such a puzzling thing for my husband and I.
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  We understand she's jealous,
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  but we don't know what to do with this behavior and
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  also help our other children to have a good birthday.
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  Any thoughts are appreciated.
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  OK,
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  so Kylee.
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  You did not
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  clarify
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  with a brood of 5.
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  You did not communicate when you said middle girl
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  if she is true middle,
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  meaning 3 of 5.
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  I'm assuming so,
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  but I don't necessarily know that that's true.
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  So I'm going to operate on the assumption
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  that it would be the 3rd of 5,
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  and
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  I hope that that's accurate because there are 3
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  middle children in a set of 5 children.
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  So
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  I'm going to go with it's the
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  true middle.
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  Girl of
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  7.
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  True middle child.
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  In a family of 7
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  with 5 kids,
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  she is going to be the quintessential forgotten kid
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  as far as birth order goes.
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  And no parent wants to hear that,
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  and every parent tries to split attention evenly,
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  and every parent does their best to make
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  sure that every child feels loved and appreciated.
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  It's just the way that it is.
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  Middle child of 3,
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  middle child of 5.
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  It's going to be the quintessential forgotten child.
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  So what happens is we understand birth order.
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  She's going to fight for attention
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  because she has to.
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  And it's going to make it even worse
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  when kids that she siblings that she feels already get more attention than her
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  get
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  special attention.
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  Now,
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  a birthday isn't,
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  you know,
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  you,
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  Kylee,
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  just decided I'm making this oldest child day.
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  Like it wasn't that kind of special attention.
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  It was,
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  it's the day you were born,
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  so we're celebrating.
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  But for your middle girl.
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  She already feels that the youngest get attention because they're young,
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  the oldest get attention because they're old,
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  and with that goes
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  youngest are needy,
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  oldest are accomplished,
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  youngests
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  are
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  still
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  capable of doing some things and need assistance.
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  Oldest are always stronger,
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  better,
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  smarter,
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  faster,
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  whatever.
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  So she is literally stuck
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  in between two older siblings that are.
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  Getting rewarded and attention and acknowledgement
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  for being
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  things that she can't be.
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  And then she has younger children
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  that
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  are getting attention and
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  energy and whatever
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  because they need it.
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  And she just feels stuck,
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  I suspect.
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  And so
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  I agree with you 100%.
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  She
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  needs to have her feelings,
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  but she also can't ruin her siblings' birthdays.
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  But this is,
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  I believe,
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  a thing that gets addressed
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  longer term,
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  bigger picture,
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  not just on
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  birthdays.
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  And so here's what I mean by that.
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  It would be really impactful
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  for your husband and you to take turns
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  on one on one time with your kids.
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  Specifically your
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  7 year old,
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  but really all of them.
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  So,
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  work it into your schedule,
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  15 or 20 minutes
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  each kid each week
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  with
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  you and your husband.
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  So when your husband is with 4 of them,
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  you do 15 or 20 minutes with 1 of them.
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  And you rotate through and,
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  and yes,
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  I,
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  I do understand the time commitment that that would require with 5 kids.
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  You know,
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  you're looking at each of you giving
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  an hour and a half or so
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  to one on one time
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  with your kids each week.
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  So
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  you and your husband are 3 hours in
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  a week to spending 20 or so minutes with each kid individually.
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  But what needs to happen
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  is,
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  especially your three middles,
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  but your 7-year-old.
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  100%.
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  They need to be made to feel
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  that they are getting
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  attention and time and energy and relationship.
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  And it's just for them.
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  The more kids you have,
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  the more the kids occupy themselves and do things together
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  as they have to.
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  And you're way outnumbered.
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  I mean,
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  everyone jokes that when you go from 2 to 3 kids,
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  like then all of a sudden you're outnumbered and
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  you lose ranks because it's 3 against 2.
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  Well,
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  you all are 5 against 2.
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  So I mean,
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  this,
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  this is a huge deal for y'all.
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  But what the goal is,
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  is every single child gets individual time with both parents each week.
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  And they get to decide what happens
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  if they want to play,
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  if they want to talk,
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  if they want to throw a ball,
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  if they want to do a puzzle,
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  if whatever it is,
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  because what you're trying to establish is
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  nothing is going to interfere and interrupt
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  with this one on one time with you.
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  That will,
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  as a long term strategy,
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  help and ensure that all of your kids feel that they get time with each of you.
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  Here's the other component,
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  as far as the birthday goes.
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  You can proactively address this for next year.
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  So,
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  you know,
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  maybe in summer of next year,
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  you can say,
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  OK,
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  spicy seven year old,
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  I don't know,
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  I don't know her name,
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  so we'll,
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  we'll go Jane.
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  OK,
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  Jane,
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  last year,
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  I know it really bothered you when your brother and sister had their birthdays.
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  We're going to make your birthday special,
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  and we're going to make all the rest
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  of your brothers and sisters' birthdays special too.
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  Tell me what you would like to do for your birthday.
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  And let her really have some input and some
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  involvement in what's going to happen for her birthday
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  and then set very clear expectations.
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  Last year you really didn't like it when your brother and sister opened presents,
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  but each of you gets presents on your birthday.
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  So if you choose to open presents on your birthday,
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  you choose for them to open presents on their birthday without you getting mad.
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  Everyone gets to open presents on their birthday.
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  If you choose to open them on yours,
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  then you're choosing for them to open them on theirs and
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  you not get mad about it.
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  And what you're doing long in advance
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  is helping her work through those feelings
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  and prepare herself to be more regulated.
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  Also continuing in play therapy,
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  I think the jealousy and the rivalry will naturally sort itself out
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  because really what needs to happen is she
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  needs to have a much higher self-confidence.
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  Middle children are often very low in self-confidence
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  because they're ignored and forgotten,
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  so they really don't know who they are.
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  They don't really have an identity.
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  So she's going to do a lot of identity work,
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  a lot of self-esteem work.
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  And as she does that,
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  she will naturally not feel as much rivalry with the siblings.
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  So I think to a degree it will sort itself out by
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  next year as well as you addressing it ahead of time.
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  And then my final thought is
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  we absolutely want to validate her feelings.
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  It's really hard
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  when other people
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  are the center of attention.
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  It's really hard when you feel like
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  you wanted something and
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  you had to watch your brother and sister open presents and not you.
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  It's,
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  it's really upsetting.
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  You,
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  you really felt irritated.
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  Validate her feelings as much as possible.
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  Those are all valid and real feelings.
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  It's the behavior that needs limits.
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  So
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  you really were disappointed that it was your brother's turn to open presents.
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  But it's your brother's birthday,
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  and
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  it's his turn to open presents.
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  So we're just setting clear expectations.
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  We're reflecting feelings,
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  validating how she feels,
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  and then also trying to,
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  as much as possible,
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  engage in one on one time.
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  I think
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  as she starts to figure out who she is.
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  It will be easier to engage with her in really positive ways
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  because a child that doesn't have any sense of who
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  they are and doesn't have a sense of identity,
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  it makes it really difficult to form relationships.
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  And that would be true
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  with you as her parents,
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  with her siblings,
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  with
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  friends.
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  If a child really doesn't have a sense of who they are,
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  they really don't know who they're putting out into
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  the world and therefore it's interruptive of relationship development.
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  So I think it's just kind of a big swirl right now,
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  Kylee.
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  It will sort itself out.
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  I really do believe that.
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  But as much as possible,
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  try that one on one time with each of them.
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  I think that will go a long way.
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  And,
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  you know,
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  be mindful
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  that
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  certain kids are just going to
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  need to feel more.
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  validated.
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  So,
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  you could also use esteem building and encouragement phrases with
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  her more than you would with your other kids,
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  because that will naturally give her more confidence as well.
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  So you can support the therapeutic process
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  by using esteem building and encouragement as home as much as possible with her.
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  Kylee,
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  thank you so much for the email,
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  and I hope that that is helpful for all of you because,
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  you know,
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  most people have more than one child.
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  I know I'm the outlier with an only kid.
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  So,
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  for those of you with big families and lots of kids,
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  sibling rivalry and jealousy is pervasive always.
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  So,
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  Kylee,
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  I appreciate the email.
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  I love y'all.
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  I hope you have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.