Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 300. Drawing the Line: How To Establish Healthy Boundaries With Extended Family And Friends

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300. Drawing the Line: How To Establish Healthy Boundaries With Extended Family And Friends · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is how to establish healthy boundaries with family and friends before it wrecks your relationship, and I think we all understand this could go with just really setting healthy boundaries with anyone, and I think this is so important to do.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I think most of us have not done a good job at this.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Most of us have not set boundaries and we've gotten into difficult positions with friends or family that have really impacted our relationships.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, amy and I have friends.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: We've seen this in our own life, just like how much drama and toxic behaviors and things like that have come into the their marriage and their relationship or our marriage and our relationship, because we haven't had good boundaries with friends or family.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I mean, I can name them with friends.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: I can name them with family, I can.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: I mean we've experienced all this.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: So facts so I would say we, we are very, um what's very professional at this and and probably made a lot of the wrong decisions and we are not professional at this, but we have been through it.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: We have been through it and we have learned and we are much better now at these things and and and it's sometimes hard to set, and it's sometimes hard to set boundaries right.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: It's sometimes hard to set boundaries with others because you're afraid of making someone mad or offending them or losing friendships or relationships or what have you.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: But setting boundaries creates stronger emotional connection between the two of you, which affects stronger and more passionate sexual relationship between the two of you, which affects stronger and more passionate sexual relationship between the two of you, which is the entire point of this podcast, correct?
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: so we're gonna pull that right into why it makes intimacy better when you do set boundaries and I would I would guess to say that every single person out there listening to this probably could set boundaries with someone in their family, with a friend, a co-worker, someone in your life you could probably set boundaries with, and it's going to have a better, more positive impact on your life.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: So I think this podcast can pretty much apply to everyone.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: So agreed, so let's dive in.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: So we came, you know, we kind of picked like what we thought were the 10 best things that people could do to set boundaries, and things that really worked, and so we're going to kind of share those 10 things with you and I think we should start by sharing some personal experience of what we mean by this, because when we hear the word boundary, just like boring, turn it off, don't care, don't really need that in my life.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I think that you would be shocked to if you, if you knew, like 10 years from now, how things could be different because of boundaries you set now and how it affect your marriage and your intimacy, you'd be like oh, I never really thought of that.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that was our attitude when we got married.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: We're like boundaries, like we have healthy boundaries, like we don't do this, we don't do this, we're not gonna do this, we're gonna be fine, and then all of a sudden some toxic people creep in and you're like, oh, I never even really thought of setting a boundary around that and I think that's the point.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Right is like, hopefully this will open your mind up, to be like, yeah, we probably need to have a discussion on this, we probably need to set some boundaries around that, just to like.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I like Nick's um, your analogy you're always talking about, or in previous podcasts on this, where we lock our house and our cars and our the stuff that were valuable.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: We lock it up to keep it protected, right we don't.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: We don't allow anyone access to it, right like to protect it, and it's kind of that same.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Or building a fence around our property right to protect our property.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Um, your marriage needs that and I think that's really important, no matter how long you've been married, especially with things always kind of changing in society, like social media, like we didn't really have social media when we got married.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: That's how old we are, and so we didn't really have to think about that.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: But as time goes on and things in society and the world change, things start popping up.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: You're like oh, we probably need to set something in this area or in this area, because I don't know like we want to protect it, right, yeah, and boundaries can be.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: They don't even necessarily have to be with family and friends.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I mean, like I said, it could be with anything like Amy's talking about.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Like what are you letting into your life?
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: That is and number one too.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Is it having a positive or negative impact?
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: Like, you can set boundaries with technology.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: You can set boundaries with the opposite sex.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: You can set boundaries just with you know how much TV am I going to watch today?
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I mean, it could be so many other things.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Obviously, today we're talking about more family and friends, but these things can apply really to any aspect of your life.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: Like, what are you allowing in your life and are those things making your relationship and marriage better or are they making your relationship and marriage and life worse?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: You know, Right, right, okay, well, I'll try and stay on the family and friends topic, but I do think that all these, like I think our situations have come from from, it's still affecting because of family and friends, right?
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: For sure and sometimes you think people are your friends and they're not really.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: But like I just wanted to say, let's share.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Like an example like when we first got married he had a best friend that we didn't realize was like super.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say toxic, it wasn't toxic but some things started happening in our marriage that like business wise, friendship wise kind of marriage wise, that just kind of really started to impact us and we had to kind of say goodbye, because you can see how certain people can impact like all parts of your life, right?
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: And so, even though that's really hard, some of the things we're going to talk about is like how to kind of be aware of this and and instead of pushing people out kind of, just kind of how to set boundaries so that that can't negatively well it really is hard because you think, oh, this is a great relationship and I really like it and things are things, I think things are good, but then when you see the negative things creeping in and now looking back as I've had several instances in my life where I've had to get toxic people out of my life it is amazing, like how so many things in my life have changed.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: I'm a lot happier, I've been more successful at certain things because those people weren't toxic and holding us back and like there's there's so many positive aspects that I didn't recognize at the time when I was in it.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: And so I think the first thing you need to do is identify your needs and your limits, like recognize what is making you uncomfortable and how much you can handle.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Amy and I have, you know, obviously, people that we know and you can just see them like totally stressed out and consumed with different things going on in their life, outside influences, and it really is like controlling many aspects of their life, their happiness, their stress level, like you are in control.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: The great thing is you get to control, like what you're going to allow for the most part to affect you or not.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: You really do, you do you do Like you know you get to a like what you're going to allow for the most part to affect you, or not?
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: you really do, you do, you do like you know, you get to a point where you're like I'm not going to put up with this anymore, like I don't need this in my life.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: It's making me unhappy, it's making me stressed, and and then you get to decide what?
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: What am I going to do to put up that barrier or that barricade or that boundary so that this cannot affect my life, my marriage, things like that?
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: and there's such a healthy aspect to this too, like a not aspect, like a balance, because of course we don't want to push people away, of course we don't want to but sometimes you have to sometimes if they're really really toxic and they're narcissistic or they're abusive, absolutely.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: But I do feel like there's a healthy boundary with like, okay, we don't want to push people away unless they're literally like hurting us, right, right.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: So like discernment, I think for sure.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah for sure.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: So again, identify your limits, what you can handle, what you're willing to take on, the more you understand that.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Because if you're sitting there thinking, well, I don't really know, then you really can't set any boundaries.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: If you really don't know what you're going to be setting boundaries around or against, right.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: So, like what I'm saying, we don't really want to push people Like, say, a family member, like say a parent, like say your spouse's parent.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: They're a big part of all up in your business like to a point.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Well, we get a lot of those messages like my mother-in-law or my his stepmom or my mother or whoever like these are messages that we get are ripping our marriage apart and my husband or my wife doesn't see it.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: And this is what's happening.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: What do I do?
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: And because it's a really hard topic when a parent or someone in part of the like immediate family is is hurting your marriage right or causing division at the same time, you don't want to like get them out of your life.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes it comes to that, but like, what boundaries can you set so that you're not pushing them out of your life but you're protecting your relationship?
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, that's the point what we're trying to find that balance right of.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: How do we put this fence around our marriage to protect it?
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: Because you're supposed to cleave to your spouse, you leave your parents and your family to create a new family with your spouse.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: That's what marriage is right.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Some people don't understand that.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: So parents need to like respect that, that new family union.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: That's hard for a lot of parents like.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: But until the second.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: The second thing is is you have to communicate clearly, like right, like if there's a problem and you don't communicate it, you really can't get mad at it.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: You can't blame someone or say, oh my heck, they're doing all this, like if you haven't communicated how you feel and what your boundaries are.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: And maybe I mean going back to the family thing Maybe it's something as simple as like hey, we don't have this much time to spend with you.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: We'll give you once a week, and maybe it's going to be on a Sunday or Saturday or whatever.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: Here's what we can do, and I need you to respect that, because we're really busy.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: The only way that works is when the spouses are a team on that, when both of them are not divided and they say this is what we've decided we need for our marriage.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: We need you to respect that, not I.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: It's really important, in like with family situations like this, that we need you to respect this.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: We need this time.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: This is what's going to work for our marriage and hopefully, hopefully, parents can step back and respect, or whoever can respect that right.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: But it's.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: You have to be a solid team and.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: But you have to also, like I said, communicate that very clearly and directly as to what your expectations are, uh, what you're willing to do, what you're not willing to do.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Sometimes that can be hard, but you have to do that, right.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I just hope that more spouses can come together and agree that that's what they need to tell the parent, because that's what's causing a lot of division.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Is that the husband's like, well, I'd like to see him more often in the week and the wife's like but it's causing this, this and this, like I really wish you would like come to my side.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Like those conversations are really really hard if you're disagreeing on that, or you got to find some kind of balance, like you got to.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: You got to kind of learn how to meet in the middle Right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but then once you've once you've kind of um set those expectations and communicated that clearly, you have to be consistent.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: For sure I think that's one of the key, because if you're not consistent, if you set boundaries and say we're not going to accept this or or this is not acceptable and then you do and then you do like you look, you look really bad, right?
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: so you have well, they're just not going to respect your boundary.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: It's yeah exactly so, whatever boundaries you set and establish, you have to be consistent.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Agree, you have to be consistent, agreed.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: You have to be consistent.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Agreed, and what is also another thing that I think you are pretty good at.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty good at.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Uh-huh.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: That I think people need to do.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Why don't you tell me what I'm pretty good at?
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: Well, learning to say no.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm very good at that.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I've gotten better.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I've gotten better.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: I.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I don't even know if I stopped.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: I don't really have to say no to things very often, but I haven't.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I've learned what I can handle and what I can take on in my daily life with four kids and a career and all those things.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: So I've stopped volunteering my time for things that I know I don't have time.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I think that's what a lot of women struggle with is that we just want to be that awesome community helper and serve in our church and do all these things and then we max ourself out and we give our leftovers to our husband.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: I think women are guilty of that For sure.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: And so it's not always about us saying no.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: It's almost about us being like what can I actually handle and still have a time and energy for my spouse and for my family?
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I think that's where a lot of women are missing.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: It is that we're trying to.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: We're trying to.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: A lot of women are trying to prove themselves out in the community, or I want to accomplish this, I want to be this, I want to be this, like you're forgetting the purpose of marriage.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: So it's not always about just saying no.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: It's about learning what your priority is, which should be your husband and god and husband and family, and then, and then you take on what you can hand handle after putting them at the top, and that's maybe that does say take this, maybe that does take saying no more often, like I'm sorry, I can't, I can't fit that in this week, I apologize.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe next week, I'm so sorry.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Like we have something planned as a family tonight, even if it's just to watch a movie and hang out with your spouse.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Learn to say no to other things, because your spouse is more important than a lot of these other things going on in our lives.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: Well, we have someone we know really well that just cannot say no and their life is chaotic.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Their life is chaotic, they are stressed, they you can see it impacting their relationship All because they can't say no.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: And because they can't say no, things get taken advantage of and things like that.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: So you, Absolutely One of the best things you can do.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: It's not mean to say no, no, it's not like it's the way you do it yeah, like sometimes there's there's things are just more important and you can't make time for everything, and sometimes it's okay to say you know what?
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: I can't do this.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, I'm just too busy.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: I apologize but not even I'm too busy.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I have something else going on and you don't owe anyone what that is.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I tell my kids all the time my kids are like, well, my friends really want to hang out, but I feel so bad because I'm I need to do this or I'm tired.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Or, like you don't owe anyone excuses, I feel like we're always full of it, like just say I'm sorry, I can't.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Tonight I'm trying to teach my kids that, like, sometimes you have to say no for your own self-care, for your own self-care.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: That's important for your marriage, for you to be taking care of yourself and have the energy that you need for your marriage.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And once again, so women, so many women struggling with this because trying to prove things to other people that shouldn't matter, like your family does well, and I think too at first.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Um, like you said a lot of times, you're going to feel guilty.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: You're going to feel guilty for saying no, you're going to feel guilty for maybe not having that time, but you have to get past that point of the guilt and also you're going to have pushback right.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: Like when you're first setting boundaries and things are new, and maybe it's with a family member or something like, you're going to get that pushback like why are you doing this, like, or why don't you have the time for me, or what have you?
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: And that's really the most important time to really just hold your ground, keep your boundaries that you have and recognize you're going to have that pushback for a little bit, but until they see that you know, hey, you know I need to respect their boundaries, then that pushback is going to have that pushback for a little bit.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: But until they see that you know, hey, you know I need to respect their boundaries, then that pushback is going to go away and things will get a lot better.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's what we've seen in our life time and time again, with many relationships.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to think what I have to say on that.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like we've gotten a ton of pushback like what's the word?
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: I'm looking for Guilt trips.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Family.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes family members or friends can give some guilt trips, but you just have to learn to be like okay, our family is most important, I'm just not going to, I'm not going to take it.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly Exactly.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, um, you know, I think the next thing moving on is um use time limits.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Um, what do you think that means?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I want to hear your thoughts on?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: On is use time limits.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: What do you think that means?
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I want to hear your thoughts on this.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Use time limits Like are you talking about with people or phones or what it just could be with anything like setting boundaries with things.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: I mean managing your energy and your time and not becoming too worn out or too tired, just having that healthy balance, I guess, so to speak I think it's really funny that um so many not just wives husbands too, so many spouses, because we're hearing a lot more higher drive wives.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: But they have all the energy to go to the gym and do the things that are so important, but but yet at night they're like I'm too tired.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I'm too tired Totally agree.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: It's just and I get it.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I'm like there are days that I put so much on my plate that I am too tired, like I'm 100% guilty of this.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: I am one I think we all are and so it's going to affect your marriage and your intimacy when you take on.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: And maybe it's your friend like let's go to the gym and or let's you know whatever.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: Or maybe family members are like let's go to lunch, let's go do this, let's go do this.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: Or maybe your family maybe you have an in-law or a parent that needs a lot of your attention, Maybe you're going to their house and taking care of them.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's the stage of life that you're in and it's just all the time and you're physically exhausted, like there's got to be a way and I don't know, I'm not quite in there yet, but there's got to be a way where someone else can help, or hired help or or something, so that you're not emotionally like I do have a friend that's always taking care of parents and family members and just it like overtakes her life and she what a sweetheart for doing that, but I'm sure it affects her yeah, like what's the negative impact that it's having on her relationships, right?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: I, I don't know, but I'm sure there is one, because we can only do so much and we only have so much energy in us and so there's got to be like solutions and and talking your.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I mean it's key to talk to your spouse about this and be like this is why can you help me come up with a way to simplify this or to fix this situation?
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Because, yeah, giving and giving and giving.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I do feel like people get.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: The more you give and do stuff, the more you are taken advantage of sometimes.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: So I think we have to learn like where that healthy balance is for us and for other people and for our marriage, right, and that can be tricky.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: That can be really tricky, because if you're a people pleaser, that's hard.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and people will take advantage of you, for sure.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: Like, if you're the kind of person that, like they're like, oh, so-and-so, nick's available, he would do it.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: Then you're going to get taken more advantage of.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Oh, absolutely, he would do it, then you're gonna get taken more advantage of oh, absolutely, sometimes church situations, sometimes neighborhood situations and sometimes family situations like I have a couple friends that are always like when we're like having little kids, we're out of that stage now, but like they would always like offer the neighbor yeah, I can babysit your kids.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, I can help out babysit your kids.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden they were asking all the time and they're like I just feel so taken advantage of.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: Now it's not even like appreciated oh, we've seen that with family members too yeah, like in that same experience same experiences like I think it's just really important to be like, learn how to say no, set timelines and boundaries around this.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Talk to your spouse.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: Is this affecting our marriage?
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: If you can't see it, maybe your spouse is feeling it even though you can't see it, and it still needs to be talked about, right yeah, yeah, I love the next one I think this is so important is recognizing toxic relationships um it's what is toxic.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Let's define that real quick I mean, it could be.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: It could be a lot of different things.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Like you know, that person brings chaos into your life.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Maybe they get you to do things that you normally wouldn't do, or you know, right, I don't know different things like that, like some, I guess I guess to ornery grumpy is um very, very negative, is very controlling, I guess, guilt tripping, I guess bottom line it would be someone that, um, maybe, that maybe doesn't enhance your life, right Like brings it down versus making your life better.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I would say the word toxic for me is worse than that, like not even just brings it down a little bit, but like is really kind of wrecking things.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, a toxic person could be someone that's always talking negative, right like you're with them and you're just like man they are oh my gosh, I leave more depressed.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're bringing me down.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's just one of many things that toxic could be.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: It could be right someone that wants to try to get you to do something that you don't feel comfortable doing someone who's trying to break up your marriage because they're jealous, or they're jealous of your time or they don't think I don't know.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: There's probably lots of.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I've heard of family members trying to break up marriages or get in the way of them.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I've heard moms being too clingy.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: I've heard of sisters being too clean your brothers.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I've heard of dads.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I've heard of parents getting involved in kids finances in their marriage.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I've heard of I mean, there's just so many ways that, like, friends or family can kind of like get a little too involved so we have a Christian audience, so I'm going to share this experience.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: But, um, there's time in our well, a few times in our marriage, but, uh, that I I was really working on some business things and things just weren't panning out and I was really frustrated.
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: And I was sitting one day and I had a voice come to me as clear as anything else if you want your life circumstances to change, you got to get these people out of your life.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: And it was.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: It was a very, very clear.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Um, I knew what I needed to do and I thought, man, I you know this is hard, like I've been working on this for a long time and this and that 16 years and but I felt like, okay, I need, I do need to get these people out of my life.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: And it was amazing, the moment we got those people out of our lives, like all the things in our lives started changing for the positive.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: And now, as I look back, like I'm like, oh, I couldn't imagine being happier, our relationship's better, different things in life are happening, like it's almost like those.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: I had to get those people out of my life and then all the circumstances of our life seemed to change for the positive.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: Now, it doesn't mean that everything is going to be good forever, but my point is is getting those people out of my life impacted so many different things, not only just Amy's and my relationship and our happiness, our mental and emotional well-being, financially, just different things.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: So many things change just simply by getting those toxic people out of our lives.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: And so Amy and I I'm glad you brought that up.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: Business partners can be big.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so, amy and I, so we actually, a couple of years ago, we had a goal and we said okay, this year our goal is to get every toxic person out of our life.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Right, like, just any, any, any toxic person or friend or business associate or whatever like, let's just get every toxic person out of our life.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: And and we did that in the right way?
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: in the right way, yeah, it wasn't mean it was just like hey, we don't need to be around this, we don't want to be around this where we learn.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: We.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: We figured out how to either legally or like to separate ourselves in a very respectful and mature way.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: I guess it's the right way to say yeah To separate ourselves, like sometimes, separation is good.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: And I can only speak for myself, but I would say you'd probably feel the same way, but our marriage is way better oh, those people.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there was like three people who were like this is the year we're getting them out and it took some steps because it was like a business process, but everything has been so much better because, like, when talk there's a like a serious toxic person in your life, that's like like almost giving you sleepless nights, like that's gonna totally turn around your marriage well and I almost relate it to like a toxic person in your life is almost like a cancer or a disease.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: Right, you're constantly trying to get better, but that cancer, that disease, is just wreaking havoc on your on, on your body, on your health, on everything and you, you really can't get better.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: It's just a constant struggle or battle, right, Like to try to, to try to fight that, and it only until, only until, you wipe it out or get rid of it.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: Can you physically, can your body physically improve or mentally improve, Like you have to.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: You have to get rid of that sickness or that cancer or that whatever that I mean.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I, you know I'm sorry for using that analogy and hopefully no one takes that offensive or or you know has cancer that they're dealing with or things like that.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: My point I'm trying to make is, um that that that can have profound negative impacts on you and until you get healed or until you get better from it getting those toxic people out of your life, removing it from you, actually pulling it out of you, you really can't get better.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: I don't think you have to apologize for that.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I think it can be like a mental cancer, because anybody that knows what.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I have friends that have narcissistic ex-husbands that are wreaking havoc on their relationships and their new marriages and their families and their kids, and it is a cancer in the emotional state that, like, is affecting their body in so many areas too.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Like it can, it can do a lot of damage.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: So it's sometimes really hard to get these people out of your life.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: But, man, what a blessing it is when you do.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: And I think too, sometimes we have blinders on, like I couldn't really see the toxic parts of the relationship as much as Amy could right, cause she was more removed from it.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: So rely on your spouse or the people that you trust around you to help you identify hey, these people are not making you a better person.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: I see that they're causing you a lot of stress or a lot of hurt or things like that.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: So rely on each other to help identify, maybe, who those toxic people are in your life.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: And hopefully you're not the toxic person, because sometimes our spouse can be like maybe you're being kind of the downer or maybe you're causing some of this issue, and so I think we also have to like.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: I know I'm kind of messing up your podcast right now, but sometimes we can have our own toxic traits and we try to point fingers on other people when a lot of it is our, is our problem.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: So I just think it's it's careful to be like, nope, I'm just removing people out of my life, like.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we have to remove some things out of our own brain that are making us fall into that trap too, because when you're around toxic people sometimes you can pick up some of those traits too.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: So I'm just saying like it's not always finger pointing.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we need to look internally on the things that are kind of hurting our intimacy in our marriages, right?
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: I, I agree, but you're exactly right, and there's a lot of times we do need to look inward.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: It is amazing how, like you said, if you're hanging around someone that's toxic or has certain behaviors, it's amazing how it can rub off onto you as well.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: Absolutely so removing those behaviors can also be kind of a healing process for you as well.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: Right, right.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, love it, yep.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: And then, I think, finally seek support as you need as well too.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: Love it, yep.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: And then, I think, finally seek support as you as you need as well too.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Like, go to the people around you, just kind of like I just mentioned, like whether it's your wife or a professional or something and get some really good advice of, maybe someone that out, looking from the outside in, that can recognize um hey, this person isn't good for you, or here's the, here's the things that they're doing in your life yeah, we have a really good friend who's a therapist.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: If you need a recommendation, let us know.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes we get blinded, like you said, to toxic people and people could be like why are you even allowing that?
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Or why are you being okay with that?
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Or, holy cow, that person's abusing you.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: You have, oh, I, I didn't even realize it.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: Gosh, it's been so long in my life that I didn't even realize.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Like, sometimes a professional coming in and just helping, even if it's just like one meeting, can really be like eye-opening.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, sometimes if it's at that point where especially if it's like a family member or someone, that's just like, super like, like putting a wedge in your marriage.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: And I mean, that always comes down to what, what we're talking about.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Right, if there's a wedge between you and your spouse, there's going to be a wedge in your intimacy, and that's what we don't want.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: So if, if somebody is creating a barrier to where it's affecting your relationship and the intimacy in your marriage, like that's what we're trying to get out, and professionals can definitely can help with that, yeah, and, like Amy said, if you need a good professional, email us at amyatultimateintimacycom.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: We can put you in touch with someone who's really good and they're awesome, I mean, they've helped a lot of people.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: And if you've listened to how we feel about therapists, we're not pushing therapists Like like, if you've listened to how we feel about therapists, we're not pushing therapists like not everyone needs a therapist, but sometimes just having one meeting with someone that's like kind of a mediator with something or can help you point something out, even if it's just one time, like, can be really helpful.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: so sometimes we need maintenance on our marriage yeah, and I think that's a great point because a lot of times listening to him I'm like man, he just that, exact what he said made a lot of sense.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: It just kind of hit it at the right time, right right, right so yeah, let us know how we can help and we appreciate all of you listening to this podcast.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: Um, email us and let us know what you think or if there's any episodes that we haven't covered, that you want to hear on a certain topic, and things like that.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: And, uh, really appreciate listening to the podcast.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: So until time, we'll see you on the flip side.