Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / Healing Through Childhood with Priscilla Gwalla

Transcript

Healing Through Childhood with Priscilla Gwalla · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Jess Hill with Doctor J, a production of
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: another episode with Doctor J. And I am your host,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Doctor J. And today I have the opportunity to share
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: space with my baby's sister who's deciding to sit and
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: talk with her older brother today at the Healing Community.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: And she is a LMSW, very very very knowledgeable social worker.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: She does so many great things in the city of
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Grand Prairie and I'm been inspired by her work. She
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: was the first one to go get a master's in
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: the program, and I was like, you know what, can't
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: let my baby sister out do me, So I need
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: to go get a master's too. So anyway, that's how
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: we got that. But anyway, I want to say, welcome
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Priscilla to the Healing Hub.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: What's that.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: You look dervous? I'm terrified? Why fun you?
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: This is your space? You do well doing this. I
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: like to play in the background.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: But today you're gonna be in front. You look good girl.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to drink from the water that you're drinking from.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Oh man, the water a peace, yes, nothing like peace
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: and stillness, no drama, no folks, slashing tires, follow me
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: around different things like that. You know, yes, single living
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: and thriving. Yes, yes, yes, And this is this is
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: just brother sister banter. But you know we've been talking
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: about during this episode and about you coming on and
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: uh sharing your journey of healing, your journey of motherhood, yes,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: and a wife. But what I think today is going
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: to be great because you get to share the journey
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: of womanhood. Oh yeah, like the way I gread that,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: I like that? Did you yourself? Yeah, I'm brilliant. I'm
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: brilliant in this space, Barnett. So so this is you
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: know when you I was gone, when when you were
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: coming up? Yeah, and let's let's start there. Like you
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: know you you went to Texas w I mean Texas
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Texas Women's t W And I know you started out
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: with nursing, But what led you to shifting into wanting
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: to become a social worker.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: That's a good question. So initially, like coming up when
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: we were kids, I just knew I was going to
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: be a nurse. Yeah, and that was going to be
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: like my Niche got into nursing school, actually started at
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Texas Women's University nursing program in Dallas first semester and
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: immediately said, this is not for me at all. I
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: met a social worker when I worked at Baylor in
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Irving and asked her, you know, what do you do here?
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: I worked on the on college unit and I saw
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: her in all the rooms and how she interacted with
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: the patients, and I was like, man, you know, I
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: want to do something like that. And she's like, you
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: know what, you know, I know you're a nursing school,
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: but you know, maybe consider it. And went home that
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: day and I told mom, was like, you know, I
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: don't think I'm gonna do nursing anymore. I think I'm
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: gonna do social work. And of course, coming from our background,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: I figured that who could be more relatable with the
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: individuals that are experiencing struggles and bad news than somebody
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: who's actually been there and can understand what that feels like.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: And so I changed my measure.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: So change your major and you talk about, like, you
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: know how people could react or respond to bad news,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: and it's starting out in the cology department secularly, and
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: these are the people who go are battling cancer. Correct,
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: So is that where you started at?
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: That's that's where I started, but I've worked pretty much
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: in every aspect of social work of minus kids, but
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: specifically in the nickure. But I never did like CPS
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: or anything of that nature. I did a rotation at
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: CPS when I was an undergrad and immediately knew that
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: it's not my this is not my strong.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Sit Yeah, why what happened there?
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: It's it's a different population that I think only only
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: people who don't have a connection to children could work
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: in that arena. But if you have children of your own.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know about other people, but for me, I
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: couldn't make that disconnect and couldn't see myself getting involved
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: with those situations on a daily basis. You know, for
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: CP as you work around the clock, your on call
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: all the time unless it's not your weekend to be
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: on call, and I can't commit to that. Yeah, and
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: knowing what kids go through and have to endure, my
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: heart's not wired like that.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: So you start in the oncology department and you're basically
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: sort of the conduance as you will, kind of like
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: from doctor to patient as these individuals are receiving bad news,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: you're pretty much the bridge on not only how they
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: receive it, but how do they manage it? That correct?
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Correct, That is correct perfectly.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: So what was that like for you to build bridges
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: between the doctor and the patient, and particularly for people
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: who were receiving.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Terminal Surprisingly, it was not as hard as I thought
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: it would be because it's not like I could always
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: put myself in that situation, but I could always say
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: how I want someone to treat me, being that I'm
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: on the receiving end, And to that day, to this day,
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: I still live by that. I always treat people how
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: I would want to be treated if that were me
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: on the receiving end. And you have to put yourself
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: in a different mindset because when you're getting bad news
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: and you're already in a tough situation, you got to
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: think that person has a life outside of that hospital
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: setting and there's no telling what they have going on,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: so you have to be very smooth in your delivery
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: to them and handle them with care like I would
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: want somebody to do that for me, even not knowing me,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: but just be gentle with handling me. Yeah, So it
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: was easy to me because everything that we went through,
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: we didn't really have anybody who gave us that gentle treatment.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: So I kind of wanted to give what I didn't see.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So is that kind of part of what your
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: connection is to being a social worker. I would say
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: it is giving to others what you didn't receive.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: I would say eighty percent of it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: And when you think about what you didn't receive, and
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: we can just start there, what like if you can
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: talk about two things and we can start from just
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: the first one that you name, what was the first
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: thing that you that you give to your clients or
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: patients that you would have wanted to receive that you're
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: given to them.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: Listening, having someone just to sit and listen to you.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: It's not that we didn't get that grown up, but
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: it was kind of that mentality like you know, child
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: stays in child's place, that's it. And growing up, you
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: don't realize how much that impact your confidence going into
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: young adulthood and adulthood and how that influences your ability
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: to be present when you go into a room or
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: whether or not you're going to speak up. So I
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: think that was a big part of it. And I
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: didn't have a lot to say, but I knew enough,
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: and you would want somebody to like Okay, what do
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: you think about that? But nobody ever asked your input.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: So I wanted people to feel that, even if I
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: didn't agree with what they said, but just to have
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: somebody to listen to them, it makes a world of difference.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's too. That's the first part to
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: helping people heal is for people to feel heard. Absolutely,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: And I tell most therapists that I mentor is that
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: until the client feels heard, no healing can begin.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Oh that's more than enough.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: State like, it won't begin until that individual feel like
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: they're being heard and they feel that you're listening. And
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I don't think people are looking for somebody to understand
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: them yet, they just have to know that you want
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: to listen, because to listen, it's also to be present
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: with them in that moment. And I think most of us,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: if we're honest, we've had people that were there but
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: weren't present. That's real, you know what I mean, Because
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: it's because I know for us in our childhood, I
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: think we experience a lot of them being there but
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: no one actually being present. I agree with that, Jay,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: And because until you feel heard, you don't feel seen.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: And you'll go your whole life with that same feeling.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: That's what I mean by not having that confidence, because
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I think it creates a different type of person when
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: you have somebody who they believe in what you're saying,
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: they believe in your actions, and that it gives you
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: that push that you need.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Y'all thing for you. Yeah, how was your confidence affected
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: as a child? I didn't have any.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: Really, I didn't have any at all. I don't think
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: I realized it until I got to college. And the
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: first time I noticed it was when y'all left, when
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: you and Candy went to college. Then it was just
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: me and mom, and I was like, man, what am
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: I supposed to do? And they're gone. I mean, y'all
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: had been in the house all these years and now
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: it's just me and Mom. So all of that was
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: just out of the window. And I didn't It didn't
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: really sit in that I didn't have the confidence until
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: I got to college.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you get to college, what happens that reveals
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: that you don't have confidence.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: It wasn't going to school or actually going to class.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: It was meeting people and then realizing all of the
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: things that people would experience that I had an experience
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, I didn't didn't know that's
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: what people did or kid could do, you know, like
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: traveling or just having different life experiences. Mine was not
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: set up that way.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Most people were in sports and doing things that they
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: actually loved. Sixteen to eighteen, I was working. I had
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: to work to help out at the house. So I
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: didn't know that that was not the ordinary for everybody
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: across the board.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: That gave me the independence that I needed to, you know,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: go into adulthood. But I didn't know that that was
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: a thing that typical children would do, with having a
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: job and helping out at home and paying bills. You know.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that was your Now, that was normal to me.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: And you get to college and you like, nose, these
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: kids are like they're not working, they enjoying life. They're
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: they're having you know what I'm saying, fun, they're being kids.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't think you remember, but you know, on
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: the weekends most of the times when I would leave school,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: i'd go to work, and I think, I think, I'm
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: not sure if you were still in college at the time,
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: I can't remember, but no, you had just graduated. But
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: on the weekends, I would leave on Thursdays or Fridays,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: depending on what time my class finished, and I drive
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: to Irving and go to work.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Where were you working at at dealers? What?
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Uh? Huh? I worked Friday Saturday and half a ship
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: on Sunday. And after I got off on Sundays, I'd
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: drive back to Didnton and get ready for class the
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: next morning.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Parent you was because I didn't know that because I'm
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: not I wasn't home, so I didn't I didn't have
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: any knowledge of what your process was and then to
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: what it was for you to navigate because one of
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: the things I'm thinking because you had that experience of
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: going to college because we left. I had that experience
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: because I was the first to leave. So for me,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: that confidence was. I think for me, my confidence was
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: in my athletic ability. I knew I could will ask that.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: That's just what it was like. My confidence was like, man,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I'm go out here and go to work. But the
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: lack of confidence is I didn't know who I was.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: That's the major part right there.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: And I think when children like we did experience the
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: type of trauma and experience the type of things that
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: we went through, and then to the parentification, like because
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: it's swapped it because I was a care you know,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: sort of caretaker for you guys, and then all of
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: a sudden, I leave and Candy's going, and now you're
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: like this caretaker for the entire house. And I gotta
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: ask you because I've never asked you this before. You know,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: what did that make you feel? Like?
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Honestly, mmm, I don't even know if I can put
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: that into words. Uh empty, Now, don't give me to crime.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: But when y'all left, it was like, what am I
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: supposed to do? Because you know, we were like we
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: still are, the three amigos, Like we do everything together.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: And so when you left, I knew I could go
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: to college because you went one thank you, and two
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: I knew I could go to college because Candy went
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: to college. But then I'm like, well, you know who's
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: gonna be here with mom? You know who's gonna, you know,
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: help out around the house. I just felt empty, and
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: so majority of that time, and you know, that was
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: a rough patch when you left and when Candy left
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: and y'all were in the same area because you were
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: in Stevenville, and for a period of time she was
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: a ranger. So I know you remember, but y'all were
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: marpool on the weekends and coming home, and I mean
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: when y'all come home, I'm like, oh man, yay, finally
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: we get to kick it and hang out and kind
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: of get that break because everything was always so heavy
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: at the house because we were having such a hard time.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: It was. It was a tough patch of time there,
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: and I remember it so vividly because everything was always
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: like clustered, like it was always the break.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like this, and then once you get through that,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: come south to.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: Health, el boom, and it was man, it was like
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: then for like two three years. And so when it
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: was time for me to go to college, I was like, Okay,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I know I could do this, but man, what what's
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: going to happen at all?
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: Did you did you realize that did it feel like
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: you got a breaking you left home?
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: M Yes and no, Yes and no, because I mean
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: I still worked and I did most of my stuff
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: for school, like you know, I applied for school myself.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: I bought my books myself. You know, I was paying
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: from a car myself, pay for man insurance, you know, everything.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: So you was like a full functioning adult, a risk
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say that.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Mom.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that word on if she'll tell you.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: But most of everything that I did, I got it. Yeah,
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: I wanted to work for it.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Well, I mean, the truth of it is that I
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: think it's again it's like the roles not only reverse,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: but they swap because most kids that are usually the babies,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: are not as independent as the old That's true, you
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: know what I mean. So then that's what I'm saying.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: I think you swapped from from or it went from
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: me being very good independent and my independence I didn't
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: feel like it was forced. It just natural. It was
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: natural for me. But in some ways, the more I've
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: talked to you, because you know, I was going for
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: a while and so I don't I didn't get to
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: move with life with you guys as you're all was
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: moving through our twenties, and so I came in, I
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: came back, and you guys are like in your thirties. Yeah, yeah,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: just you know what I'm saying. So you're in your
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: in your thirties. So you got kids now, and you've
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: had you know, the womanhood, and you've had the motherhood
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: and then you've had the wifehood. So you've had all
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: the hoods, you know what I'm saying. So and and
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: as I'm sitting here, I'm like, man, it's it's almost
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: like you went on this journey alone to discover not
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: only your confidence, but to discover you because there wasn't.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: No, there wasn't a blueprint exactly, and the blueprints that
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: we had were and I don't like the word dysfunctional,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: so I'll say unhealthy. They were unhealthy. And when I
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: tried to use that blueprint, it didn't work for me
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: in so many different areas of my life. And I
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: didn't really have anybody to talk to about certain things
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: because certain stages of life, like you said, we were
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: so different on because you know, I'm getting married at
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: twenty two and you're like, chall ain't no way, you
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: know I'm getting married at that age. In having a kid,
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: then having two kids, then having three kids, it was different.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: And then we didn't see a relationship that lasted throughout
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: the years, so there wasn't really anybody to look to
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: for that advice and that guidance.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Pretty much, feel life did a lot of discovering on
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: your own, just kind of by yourself. And it kind
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: of makes sense now when you say, man, I felt empty,
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: because if I'm empty, there is a state of loneliness
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: that is attached to that them. Absolutely absolutely, did you
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: get married at twenty two? Why did I not have
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: to ask you? Because I've never asked you this? Why
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: did you get married at twenty two? Well?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: One thing I knew from our upbringing I didn't want
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: a lot of relationships. One Two I did not want
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: to have children by multiple men. I knew that. And
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to choose somebody that I knew wouldn't
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: want to stick it out with me.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I knew those things.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: Now, I didn't know what any of that like, and
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't know the requirements beyond loving somebody. That's all
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: I had. And when my husband and I met, we
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: just knew we loved each other, and hey, he was
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: gonna be together, That's all.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Man put That's but but how do y'all know that
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: are twenty two? Though?
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: You know that's a good question, Jay, I don't know
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: if I thought about that before. But I knew that
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: he had something that I had never seen, what love,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: and that he loved me regardless of what I didn't.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: But how did you know that though twenty two? Right,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: like like, oh, okay, okay.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's it wasn't about money because we was broke,
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: we didn't have any more.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: But but but no twenty two year old has money.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's just for nowadays. Apparently everybody does. But hey,
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: they don't either here nor there. But I knew that
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: that's what I wanted.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: So you said, you knew he loved you by the
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: way he treated you, And how did he treat you?
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: He handled me with care, It was gentle. He listened
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: and he didn't listen to everything. So let's get that right,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: who dos and honey, I love you, But he didn't
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: listen to everything, and neither did I. But we we
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: were determined to work and we did not want to
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: repeat what we saw. And you know, his mom and
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: dad were married a long time, Our parents were married
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: a long time. But we knew that, okay, those two
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: blueprints are not gonna work. We got to create a
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: different path for ourselves, and that's what we did.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: So I want for the people that are listening. I
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: love what you said. He handled you with care, and
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: I think that it's important if that if the individual
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: that you connected to, you have to identify not only
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: the care that you need, but identify if they have
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: the ability or the capacity to give that care. That's
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: good you have to because I think with that care,
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: it also reveals that person's ability to listen, because I
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: cannot listen, or should I say, I cannot care if I'm.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: Not listening, And can I tell you I had to
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: learn that in our twenties. We went to therapy for
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: two and a half almost three years, about two separate,
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: in together.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Separate in so and then you guys were going to
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: therapy separately and.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: In your Initially we started separately and then we started
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: going together and we went faithfully for probably two and
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: a half years. Wow, I didn't I didn't notice because
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: it was we had a really rough patch. And what
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I was saying about learning how to listen, I didn't
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: know that. I didn't learn that. I thought all the
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: problems was with him. I didn't think anything was wrong
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: with me. And I know a lot of women are
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: like that, and I love women. I support women to
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: the fullest, but I also know what struggle I had,
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: and my struggle was listening and thinking I'm right all
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: the time and not considering his feelings on things, and
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: just as much as women want to be heard, men
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: want to be heard as well. Absolutely, And they don't
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: say that a lot because they're not emotional how we are.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: But that's what I had to learn, and therapy taught
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: me that. And so even though we went to therapy
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: over ten years ago, we still use those same tools
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: in therapy to this day when we're communicating with each other.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Wow, that's so healthy. And I'm glad that you said that,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: because I do think we're just as emotional as women.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: It's just expressed differently.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Uh huh.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: I agree with that, it's expressed diffully. And I think
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: our inability to express emotionally and to express how we
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: feel is you only see the expression of anger, and
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: anger on processed becomes rage. And when you have rage
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: and it's displaced rage, you're unpredictable. I cannot trust you
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: if your rage is displaced and it's unpredictable. And this
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: is why I tell people it's dangerous to be around
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: people who do not know that they're angry. See, when
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: you know that you're angry, you're able to feel that.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I watch a lot of men who don't know that
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: they're angry. They know they're mad. Yes, but they don't
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: understand that. It's sadness, it's abandonment, it's disappointment, is discouragement,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: it's the loss of hope. And I'm saying that because
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I know for me when when Dad and Mom divorced,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: that is what I felt, and it wasn't until I realized, Yeah,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: you're angry, but what you're really what the real issue
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: is is you're disappointed that didn't work out. You're disappointed
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: because you thought that should have been there for you
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: and he wasn't. And the way that it has expressed
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: is also the way that it hasn't been processed. So
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: somebody calls you out on something and because you have
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: not been fathered, well, you are triggered.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: That part, yep, that part that that was a huge
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: part of my healing when I was in therapy is
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: you know, I remember sitting down and her name was Missy,
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Misty wherever she is in life now. But I remember
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: sitting down and I'm, you know, like, I don't know
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: why I'm here, you know, here because it's his fault.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: You know, he's put us in the situation. It's all
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: his fault. And she says, well, I want you to
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: come back you know, next week or whatever, and I'm like, okay,
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: you know what time I get back next week, and
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: I'm by myself that time and starts spun peeling all
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: of these things. And then immediately it goes back to
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: the divorce. It goes back to how I processed everything.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: It goes back to.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: Why I ultimately don't want to listen to what he
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: has to say. And it was all of these things
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: that I didn't even were connected.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, I CJ will appreciate this because I
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: talked to CJ doing my interviews for those that are listening,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: because one lady told me, can you stop having a
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: side No, CJ and I I have to talk, and
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: there's time to read interviews. I can feel him. And
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: what you just said is I think a lot of
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: women need to hear is it's not that you can't
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: hear the man, it's your reasonings for not wanting correct,
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: listen too young? Correct.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: I think we've had this conversation before, and I've told
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: you this because you know, I speak very openly with
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: you about you know what I think you know women
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: can do better. We have those conversations all the time,
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: and you always say, man, see That's why I like
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: talking to you, because you go tell the truth.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Because Priscilla is a brother I've always wanted. That's that's
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: what this really is about. And my mother lied to me. Mother,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I'm telling the world, and you told a lie to
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: my mother told me that she was a boy when
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: they brought her home, because I wanted a little brother
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: so bad. They told me she was a boy, and
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: so they have they had her. I remember when they
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: brought you home from the hospital. They had her, and
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I can Mama had on a green jog and suit.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: That's how vivid my memory is at five, because I
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: was five when you and Mama had on a green
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: jog and suit with some white tennis shoe and she
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: was you know, had she you know, on her knee,
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: and your hair was turned and so I couldn't see
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: with the back. And I walked up. I said, oh,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: look at the little baby. And they was like, yeah,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: come say hello, and nobody said anything, and and they
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: picked you up and turn you around. A girl. That's
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: the girl shadow me. Shattered me, man, shattered me. So
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: it's day you still treat me like the little brother.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: You again. You see a woman, I see a man.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: As sir, But the world we live in loves there,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: so you could be anything you want to be. But
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: say that because and because we have a unique relationship,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: because you're so balancing your thinking, and I think you
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: have the balance in your thinking because you begin therapy
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: early before I did, and all the stuff that we
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: went through and what it manifested. And for those that
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: are watching, like parents, divorce impacts children in ways that
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: you couldn't imagine. And it's not just the separation, it's
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: it's the model that becomes a very fragmented diad for
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: us as children because our brain understand this system, but
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: it doesn't understand when the system is broken career and
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: somebody has said, hey, you're going to go live here,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: and you're going to go to live there. Kids' brains
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: don't understanding. Now, their brains does have the ability to
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: adjust because they still in their formidable stage, so you
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: can kind of mold in shape.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: But emotionally that part because it takes you back to
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: the stay in the child's place, because if you have
• 30:12
  Speaker 3: input about it, you shouldn't be in mom and dad's relationship.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: You shouldn't know what's going on. But in my opinion,
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: it should be the exact opposite. You should be having
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: a conversation as to Okay, here's what happened, y'all, we're
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: going to decide to part our ways. Here's why. Has
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: nothing to do with you, has nothing to do with you,
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: has nothing to do with you. I feel like that
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: would have made the world of a difference with everything.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: But there was never a conversation. Everything happened and then
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: that was it. It's like the bottom dropped out, the
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: rug was pulled, yeah, and then you're you're left to
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: just continue with life.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I still remember that day. You remember that.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: I remember that day. You remember the smell in the room. Yeah,
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: I remember smelling a room. Wow, absolutely absolutely. With that
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: smell coming across my nose right now, it will put
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: me right back in that moment. Man.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: I don't remember the smell. I just remember Daddy calling
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: us in and said we need to talk talk to y'all.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: And it was very brash, Yeah, very brash. And and
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: it's like there wasn't any pumpting or any sort of
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: kind of like precursor kind of like, yeah, none of that,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: which is why in everything that I do, I'm very
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: careful about tongue. And I'm always careful about how I
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: set things up. Which is the way I speak is
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: I speak according to what? Again, going back to what
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: you said earlier about what we didn't get correct, It
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: was just like any tall me and mamma get a divorce, and.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: Guess what the biggest thing in my relationship is what
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: my husband will tell you. It's tongue. If the tone
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: is off, my ears off, same thing. The connectedness of
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: everything is mind blowing to me. But we don't realize
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: any of that until we get into life. You're deep
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: into life, and nobody tells you how all of those
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: things are connected.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: Well, I say this, the adults stand at the altar
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: and exchange the valves. It's the children, but it is
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: the kids who have to keep them. Absolutely, it is
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: the kids who have to keep the vow. It is
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: your little boy and it is your little girl that
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: have to keep these vals. The adults say, I do,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: do you take this to be your lawful wedded husband, wife?
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: To cherish the hole? Da da da to depth do
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: your part? Adults are sitting there saying I do, and
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: the kids are saying like hell, And.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: Those are those same kids that will butt heads for
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: years and years and years, never really acknowledging or being
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: able to acknowledge what the real problem is.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: You know, Yah, when I think about this, I'm just
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: like man, I can step into the room and for
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: you it was listening. For me, it was understanding.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: I can see that. I can see that.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: Because I think being the oldest, the feeling of like man,
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: everybody's looking for me to step.
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: Up, correct and not necessarily just step up. But Carrie, Carrie,
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: everything like I remember you being in college and still
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: having to to pay certain things.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Pay bills, paying rent. I remember taking my scholarship check
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: and Mama eight hundred and sixty dollars. I remember I
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: could see myself counting out the eight hundred and sixty
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: dollars and I'm saying to myself, this is crazy. I remember, like,
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: I'm eighteen years old, had eight hundred and sixty dollars
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm sitting there like and you don't think about
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: it because in that moment, it's like I have to
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: do this.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just as I said, it was, it was ordinary.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: That it was normal, and not that I didn't want to.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: But I never got to be a kid.
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: Career corect and.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: That's why for me at this stage, I didn't realize
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: this until like recently, that I look for joy in
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: the simplest as things, because when I think about a
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: kid playing, it's always the simplest of things where it's
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: just like you just running up and down the road
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: and it's just like it's the most fun you ever had.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: And it's like I didn't get a chance to do
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: that because I was so focused on I got to
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: be there for y'all. I gotta make it and gotta
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: make it. And then too, you become an adult, and
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: then you come to the realization while you have in
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: trouble to self actualize things, You're like, I can't freaking
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: do it because I never got to go through the
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: stages of development. So now I have an arrested development
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: that's real, and I'm trying to function in something that
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: I never understood the genesis of.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's real.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: And that was my challenge because I'm like man like today,
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: like I love the smallest things like Jorde. Like I
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: was walking, I saw a flower swearing from side to side.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: I said, look at that flower dancing like it was
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: just really like I was just like and I was
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: just like, man, that thing, know, because the wind was
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: just swearing that thing, and it hit me because oftentimes,
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: as humans, we're so overwhelmed with our trauma, we're so
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: overwhelmed with the pressures of life that it's hard to
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: appreciate the simplest of things. And in that moment, it
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: was like I was just at a concert watching this
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: flower perform, and I smiled because I was like, man,
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: this is really I'm entertained a little bit. And it
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: brought me back to the little boy because I'm like, man,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: I remember those moments. And I'm gonna tell you, honestly,
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: what really is challenging for me about aging. It's not
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: even I'm getting older. For me, it is the distance
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: between childhood.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: I gotcha, Yeah, because almost you still have that feeling
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: of me and I don't want to grow up.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: don't want to grow up. And not that I don't
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: want to grow up, because it's like, it's not Peter
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: Pan syndrome. It's not that right. I'm not climbing trees,
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: but it's it's the bewilderment of just like, man, this
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: is who I was as a kid, the joy and
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: just the freedom, the freedom. And that's why freedom is
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: so big to me in relationships and business and partnership,
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: even in what I do. Before I make any deal,
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: I'm always looking if there's freedom in it. If I
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm going to be in a prison, or
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: if i feel like I'm going to be be restricted,
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested anything that takes away my full ability
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: to be my full self. I'm not interested in it.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: And it's all and all of it is attached to
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: childhood because we were kids of pastors. So fun for
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: us was playing church.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: Played church all the time, all day.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: And then playing church was also part of like just
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: kind of like the reality of like this is our
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: life and anything outside of church is a sin. Correct.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: So it's like I want to ride my bike and
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: put you know, a paper bag in the back and
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: the tire so it sounds like a like a motorcycle,
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: you know all those things. I still remember those things
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: and not feel like, well, that's the devil.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Music music, and you know my connection with music.
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: I love music. Why you love music? I never knew that,
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: you know what funny?
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you remember this, but you came
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: home from college one time and you got a CD
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: burned and I think it was chopped and screwed. And
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: my connection with music wasn't just like with music, but
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: it's like with my siblings, if that makes sense, Like
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: even even with Candy singing, you know, but it was
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: always that connection. I'm like, Okay, this is home, this
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: is family.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: So that's always been my connection with music.
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: And when y'all left, like that's all I did. You
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: don't remember I asked for the the uh it's like
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: a boombox. Then oh, yeah, that's for the boom box
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: for my birthday. Yeah, remember that you got me that
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: boom box. And Mom used to be so mad at me,
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: but I would just be blasting music in that room
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: all day. But that was always been a connection just
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: kind of keeps me grounded at home.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: Motherhood. You have three kids, yes, and you have an
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: amazing door that's on the spectrum. Yes. What has motherhood
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: been like for you as you were giving your children
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: something that you didn't have, do you feel like some
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: parts of that brought healing to you?
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: You know what? I'd say The main thing that I
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: got from mom was the ability to be present and
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: not just be present but teach. So I make it
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: a point with the kids to always teach them something
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: and be honest with them. I know Mom probably wouldn't
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: agree with this, but she doesn't like always how honest
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: I am with them, Like I tell them when things
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: are not great, or tell them when things are not
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: the best. If I'm not in a good mood, if
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: I'm not feeling well, I'd like to communicate that with
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: them so that they could have open dialogue with me.
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: And I feel like with Ariya being on the spectrum,
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: that really helps with telling her how I feel so
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: that she can in turn help me how she feels,
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: even if I don't agree with it. And that's for
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: all the kids, not just her. But I know for us,
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: we talked a lot with me and you, Mom and Candy,
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: we talked a lot. So I always wanted to let
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: my kids know that communication is like the biggest thing.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: So there was one thing for Ario when she was
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: diagnosed was her speech. Because she was two and a
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: half almost three roughly, when we realized that there was
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: something that is, you know, not right, and when we
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: got the autism diagnosis, that was one of her main
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: things was her ability to communicate, and she could. She
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: was verbal, but everything was like a word salad, so
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: it was just jumbled up. And so the more and
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: more she did speech, the more and more we talked
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: to her and not so much forced her to talk,
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: but put her in situations where she had no choice
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: but to communicate what you want or what you need.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: It made the world of a day like leaps and
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: bounds from where she came from to now being eleven
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: and completely verbal. She does all her routines in the morning.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: You've seen her routines. She likes her stuff a certain way.
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: But she's such a pure heart, like you can't help.
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: But you know, notice her when she walks into.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: A room as a mother and who was once a daughter,
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: did that heal some parts of you?
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely? Because I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: So I wanted to be I wanted to do motherhood well.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: I wanted to do a good job. I want them
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: to grow up and be like, oh man, you know, man,
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: my mom did everything she could. And you know, I
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: don't feel like I spoiled them or anything, but I
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: want them to know that I was here. And when
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: you go out into the world. I want them to
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: know like, hey, you know, man, her mom must have
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: really been involved. Oh look look at her like that.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: That's what I want to exude. If I don't do
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: anything else in life, I want to make sure I
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: do my motherhood job, in my wifehood job. Those are
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: important to me.
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: Now, you know, balancing all of that. Yeah, it's it's
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: crazy word. It's crazy word.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: Crazy word.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: How do you do it the way that you do it? What? What? What?
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: What is? What? What is important to you as a mother,
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: as a wife, and as a woman if you can
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: answer those three questions? Okay, because this good question. Yeah,
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: because because this month, you know, we're we're talking all
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: women and soul. I'm really wanting women to walk away
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: with something that may be in those three categories, or
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: they may be in two, or they may be in one.
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: Well tell, I'll start by saying what changed over the years.
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: So when I was younger, my priorities were a bit backwards.
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: You know, it was always guy first, But I thought
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: that the kids came second because they were small, and
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: of course, you know, they needed more from you. And
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: going to therapy, I learned that that was a little backwards.
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: And so the older I got, the more I understood, Okay,
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: there has to be a balance. I couldn't get the balance, right,
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: I just I could not figure it out. From my
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: early thirties, I could not figure it out. I was
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: probably completely terrible ed.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna mind.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I would say probably in the past five years is
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: when I've actually gotten it. And it took a lot
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: of trial and era, a lot of trial and era,
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: and God blessed my husband because it was a lot
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: of talking from him too, and telling me, you know,
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: you know, I don't need you over here. You know
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: I really need you over here. And I'm like, well
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: that doesn't make sense. Why it wasn't registering for me.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: But what I've learned is that the kids get to
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: a stage in their life where they need teaching and
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: they need nurturing. You know, the kids when they're younger,
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: they need to be nurtured, right, Okay, that comes from
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: all They're in the stage of teaching now, and so
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: Dad gets to do a lot of that and then
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: I don't necessarily take the back seat, but I get
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: to have a little bit more of a breathing room and.
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: A little more Margian.
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: Get to have a little bit of breathing room. And
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: I learned the work balance the relationship, the kids, and
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: then taking care of myself. That that was all hard
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: because you know, in the past six months, I've been
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: in the gym heavy, you know, trying to get back
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: on my routine of taking care of myself. Like I
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: would always make an excuse like I don't have time,
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: I don't have time. All the while it was just
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: finding the for everything. And I have time, I do.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: I just have to create the time and create the
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: space for myself for whatever the kids need, for whatever
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: he needs. It's a balancing act, but it's doable, right,
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: And I always say that God structured women a certain
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: way because we do very well with balancing certain things.
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: You just don't have to pick up everything all on
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: the same day.
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I've learned well, and I think too right.
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: It's I think it's also a part of understanding what
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: goes first correct. And I think what I'm often telling
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: mothers in therapy that I've worked with is that if
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: the woman is not well, the wife of the mother
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: will be good.
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: No, not at all.
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: And I think the message is what I'm hearing you
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: say to every mother and to every wife, is that
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: you have to be first priority.
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, Like you have to be absolutely.
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: Because if this ship goes down because the captain fell asleep,
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: then we have to ask that the captain have too
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: much on their plate. You know? Did the captain have
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: a co captain? Yeah? And I think it's important for all.
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: And I'm often telling mothers that you were a woman
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: before you gave birth. Correct, you were a woman before
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: you gave I mean before you gave your last name,
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: you know, if you did. It's some of the folks
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: like this is a different world. It's like I'm hyphening it.
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: I'm not taking this last name. But but you know,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: you were a woman before you took on these other identities, right,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: because even motherhood is an identity. It is it is,
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: and if you're not careful, you'll lose yourself in motherhood
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: and miss out on who you were supposed to become
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: as a woman.
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: I was one of those women, and it's a daily battle.
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: It's a daily battle. But I make it a point
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: to tell my kids. And people may disagree with this,
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: but I do tell them. You know, before you guys
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: came along, I was a woman. And so here's what
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna do today to take care of myself. I
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: will be back in an hour and a half. I'm
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: going to the gym. Everything stops, I can. I'm okay
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: now with not having my hand at every single thing.
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's okay to say no and step back. If
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: the man wants to do something, go ahead. It's okay, Like, yeah,
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: he may not wash the dishes the way you want
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: to wash, he may not put them away, may not
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: even put the laundry up, but it gets washed, it's
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: in the dryer. It's okay. Everything doesn't have to be
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: prestige every single day. And I can't be one hundred
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: percent in all categories every day. Yeah, that's what I've
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: had to learn. Some days I'm eighty in the wife category.
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: Some days I'm twenty five in the mother category. Some
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: days I'm one hundred percent and just taking care of myself.
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: It just it it varies. But it's okay for me
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: not to have my hand in every single thing, because
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: when am I going to take care of myself with
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: my hand is everywhere else?
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: And particularly for you know, mothers who are soon to
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: be empty nesters. And I've seen so much change with
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: them because for them it's like, man, I have been
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: a mother for the past eighteen years, and I am like, no,
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: this can't end because my identity and who I am
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: is tied to being a mom. Little Jimmy needs me,
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: Little there needs me. You know what I mean? Well,
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: I have to take Sarah here, and Sarah's able to
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: drive herself down. And I think it's important this goes
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: for both mothers and fathers. We have to understand that
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: there are callings that you have, there are dreams that
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: you have, the visions that you have. I'm often telling
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: people in therapy, I know that you have kids, but
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: go after that thing, correct, I don't. I think it's
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's good for parents to stop dreaming.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: And I feel like so many do because they feel like, man,
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: I can't now and you may not be able to
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: put all of them in, but if you can start
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: somewhere and make small deposits, and I think that brings
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: a sense of fulfillment to you as a man or
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: a woman rather than just as a mother or father.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Because what if the child grows up and they don't
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: say thank you? What if they get the award and
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: they don't say it was my mom or dad that
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: encouraged me. And what if it's it was my coach
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: and then my and dad. Are you upset that you're
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: a second on the list? You know what I mean?
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: And if this is about pushing and promoting and encouraging
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: and sending out children who would give back to the community,
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: that would contribute to society, then you have to question
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: that for yourself. That okay. And that's the thing when
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: people ask me about kids, you know, y'all, y'all, y'all.
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: And I thank God that my sister don't harass me.
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: Can he harass me more than anybody, But don't harass
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: me again with the whole kids thing. Like, the one
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: thing that I that I appreciate about me and my
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: sister is that I went on my own journey and
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: there were times that I felt like I wasn't part
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: of the secret society of marriage and kids and all
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: those different things. But I also understood that God had
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: called me to something different. And understanding that he called
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: me to something different, it was going to require different
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: from me because I can't move about if I had kids,
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: and I wouldn't like people always ask me like, so,
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: what would you do if your ad kids like star
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: stop that's what I do, stop traveling, Like I don't
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: like I'm not tied to this. If I got married
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: tomorrow and start building a family, I'm okay with not
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: be on a road. I would be at peace, ben
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: at home my wife and she's say, hey, you know,
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: can you not go eight times a month? Can you
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: go three? Okay? Cool? I would have a problem with
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: that because I found me first, and I found my
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: purpose first before finding a spouse and then trying to
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: pull all of my joy and fulfillment out of my
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: wife and my kids. And now I got a little
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: boy that I'm watching every day and practice and he's
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: three because I want him to be the next me
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: because you gotta go, like I just I don't understand that.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: And so I love that you created a healthy balance
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: and that you started doing for you.
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: Yes that was Yeah, it took a long time to
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: get to that point, but no, it's necessary.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: In closing, you were eight, I think mom and dad
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: divorced nine okay, not yeah? Nine? What would thirty seven,
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: thirty eight, thirty eight What would thirty eight Priscilla say
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: to nine year.
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: Old Priscilla, it's going to be okay, and you don't
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: have to you don't have to be what you came from.
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
• 53:29
  Speaker 2: And it's okay and it's not your fault. There's a there.
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: There would have been those words from the people that
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: probably meant the most coming from them, would have like
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: changed everything. Had those words came from those people, yeah,
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: hands down.
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But yeah, what did you think about the little girl?
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: Because I remember when you were just like trying to
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: figure it out every.
• 54:07
  Speaker 2: Day every day. I stand in the house now, because
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: you know, we we got to a house and into
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty, going into twenty twenty one, moved in. I
• 54:19
  Speaker 2: stand in the house to this day and just in disbelieve,
• 54:22
  Speaker 2: like I don't. I don't believe it's mine. I don't.
• 54:25
  Speaker 2: Of course you know you paid a bank for it,
• 54:26
  Speaker 2: but but I don't. I don't believe it. Still, I
• 54:33
  Speaker 2: don't believe it. It's sixteen years married this year October.
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: I've been married sixteen years.
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: Sixteen years wow, and been together for uh, it'll just
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: make nineteen. But like if you would have told me
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: that from our story, yeah, that would have said, ain't nowhere,
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: ain't no way but I know God is able one
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: and then two. If we asked for the tools and
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: want to actually use them, he would give them to us.
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: But sometimes a lot of people don't. They don't want
• 55:16
  Speaker 2: to do that that work, and they don't they don't
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: want to take the ownership for the shortcomings or the
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: thing is that they're they're the reason that it did
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: not work. Yeah, so I wanted to be I want
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: to be different in that sense. I'm glad that my
• 55:35
  Speaker 2: husband weren't the same because we have very similar, very
• 55:41
  Speaker 2: similar history.
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: What what does healing means for you?
• 55:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's a tough question. Chrick showing up every day
• 55:57
  Speaker 2: and giving yourself enough grace to keep at it like
• 56:02
  Speaker 2: something I think that a lot of people don't do
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: anymore is give yourself grace, like, no, we're not gonna
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: get it right every day, do you do? You stop
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: building the house because y'all run out of bricks. No,
• 56:14
  Speaker 2: you order some more bricks so you can finish building
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: the house. Keep showing up. That's what healing is. You
• 56:21
  Speaker 2: keep showing up. You may not get it right on Monday.
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: It may change come Friday. You may have a different response.
• 56:29
  Speaker 2: You may learn something on Tuesday that you can use
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: on Friday, but just keep showing up. And I'm making
• 56:36
  Speaker 2: it a point every single day to keep showing up
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: and being intentional.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: That's good. That's good. I like that because that's kind
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: of what I live by, Like I live by, keep
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: showing up, keep cheap, being available for what may be present. Correct,
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Because I think healing is
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: not linear, so I think there's different pathways. And of
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: course we know that there are different modalities and different
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: ways to heal, whether it's therapy, whether it's through sound, baths, yoga,
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: and all of these different other things that people use.
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: But I think for me, it's always been keep being
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: available for what may be present, because it may be
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: present in the transaction of passing somebody out of store.
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: I remember C J and I were in Canada and
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: we're talking to this blind guy. I have to tell
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: you guys this story. It is hilarious. We're talking to
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: a blind man who has a stick and has a
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: shade and we're talking to him because it's like, Okay,
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: dude's blind and he terms of hot. It looks at us,
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: that's like, and we had this full conversation. It's a
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: hilarious story, but the message in it was that he said,
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: if we really give attention to humanity and who we
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: are as people, we're not any different from each other, no,
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: what not.
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: And you know that by both the degrees that you
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: have because you had to study that and studying why
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: we think the way that we do. Everybody's interconnected, we
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: all are.
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And in that moment, like I experienced healing with
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: this guy because I'm like, he's blind and in this
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: it's like, wow, he still had enough in him to
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: have a conversation with us and he could tell that
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: we were black too, And Yeah, it was a powerful
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: conversation and saying that because when you are available, you
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: can receive what's present. What's present and what I'm hoping
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: that people take away from our discussions. Discussion today, you
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: didn't cry, so you have to. Yeah, almost. So she
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: begged me not to make her cry. So I wanted
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: to honor that as the oldest and as the brother
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: of a brother. You know, let me let me stop,
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: because I don't want these folks that come for me
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: and we're just joking people, we're just joking. I see
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: her as a woman, This is my little sister. But
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: for those of you that are struggling because you say,
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: doctor J, man, I'm tired, and I know it's tiresome
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: because showing up takes work, it takes effort, showing up
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: takes energy. No one talks about the energy it takes
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: to show up and how you have to muster that
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: energy together. But what I want to say to you
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: is that you are worthy of showing up for yourself,
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: and I hope that you continue to do that and
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: remember until next time, healing is a journey and wholeness
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: is the destination. Just here with Doctor J a production
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: to your favorite shows, and you can follow me at
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and follow us
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: on YouTube. Just here, Doctor J.