Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Keeping it Real - Moms Discuss Parenting Season #2 (The Master Chef) | Ep. 07

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Keeping it Real - Moms Discuss Parenting Season #2 (The Master Chef) | Ep. 07 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Cheryl: Ellen.
• 1:03
  Cheryl: I am so excited about what we're doing today.
• 1:07
  Ellen: Yeah, I am too.
• 1:09
  Cheryl: I've got three friends sitting in here with us, y'all know Ellen, but we have a friend too podcasting room, Michelle Johnson.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Welcome back again.
• 1:21
  Michelle: This is so exciting for me to return.
• 1:23
  Michelle: Get to talk with you again,
• 1:24
  Cheryl (2): fun and a new friend, not new to TPP, kyla pace.
• 1:29
  Kyla: Hi everyone.
• 1:29
  Kyla: Glad to be here.
• 1:30
  Ellen: Did you guys get to listen to the last episode that was about being a master chef?
• 1:36
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:36
  Michelle: Yes, it was great.
• 1:38
  Ellen: Do you guys like to cook?
• 1:41
  Michelle: I enjoy cooking.
• 1:42
  Michelle: Um, I think mine's more baking though, because I have a sweet tooth.
• 1:48
  Kyla: I like to cook as well.
• 1:51
  Kyla: But trying to cook for my whole big family and we all can enjoy it, limits me, but I know.
• 1:57
  Ellen: Yeah, that's, that's probably true for all of us.
• 2:00
  Ellen: And I know that I've always enjoyed, you know, being maybe a more gourmet cook.
• 2:05
  Ellen: We kind of talked about that on the last episode.
• 2:09
  Ellen: And then Cheryl recap what we talked about.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: It's the season to a parenting and we entitle it the training years.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: if we could boil it down to a few things, like Ellen said, master chef, that's what we said.
• 2:22
  Cheryl: That's kind of our job during this season, and we're talking about.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Oh, four-ish two, eight ish on either side.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: And being alongside of them to walk them through that.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: And we don't want to just equip them with what to do when and how to do things and when to sit still all of that, we want our goal to be their character, to lay down principles that they will take with them.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Into the next seasons of childhood and into their life.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Does that make sense?
• 2:55
  Michelle: I just love that analogy.
• 2:57
  Michelle: Just the master chef, because I think of someone that is an expert, if you will, and that is training someone alongside them, like you were talking about in such a way in little increments at a time.
• 3:12
  Michelle: So you don't just say, go cook a big steak dinner.
• 3:16
  Michelle: You have to start with little small things.
• 3:19
  Michelle: And so that's really helping me understand and wrap my mind around this concept here that you're talking about.
• 3:26
  Kyla: And then I think about coming alongside, I feel like with my kids, that's what they're craving mom.
• 3:32
  Kyla: Do this with me, play this with me, teach me this.
• 3:37
  Kyla: And then.
• 3:38
  Kyla: Beautiful.
• 3:39
  Kyla: It's exhausting, but it's wonderful.
• 3:41
  Kyla: So I think that's their craving.
• 3:42
  Kyla: So coming alongside makes a lot of sense
• 3:45
  Ellen: it's a simple time, probably one of the more simple times you're going to have in your parenting years.
• 3:51
  Ellen: And so we want to take advantage of it.
• 3:53
  Ellen: and it's a really good time in their life where we can teach them how to have relationships.
• 3:59
  Ellen: I mean, this is a relationship building years for their future, as well as our relationship with them into the future.
• 4:05
  Kyla: So on the line of coming alongside and the kids wanting my time, it just sparked a question because I'm a more introverted mom.
• 4:15
  Kyla: That's my bent, but I have several extroverted kids and I just was wondering.
• 4:23
  Kyla: Your advice on how to create margin so I can be fully present so I can talk to them, come alongside, give them the time they need, but not be completely exhausted.
• 4:36
  Ellen: Well that's yeah, that's a really good question.
• 4:39
  Ellen: As a mom of five, I had to try to figure that out too.
• 4:43
  Ellen: And one of the things that we did, we assigned each child a special day.
• 4:49
  Ellen: During the week.
• 4:50
  Ellen: So that meant they got our undivided attention for maybe an hour.
• 4:56
  Ellen: It might be dad taking them out, getting an ice cream or just going for a drive me setting aside time where they're the central focus.
• 5:06
  Ellen: And it's not so bad when you divide it out over the week.
• 5:10
  Ellen: It's not every five hours every day.
• 5:13
  Ellen: It's just one hour where that child knows.
• 5:15
  Ellen: Okay.
• 5:15
  Ellen: I get my special.
• 5:17
  Cheryl: And so, you know, in talking to moms over all the years, I will tell them Ellen and I are external processors, and that brings with it some energy to be able to.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Do more emotionally, verbally.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: And so there, there is a perk to that, but the downside is we do too much emotionally and verbally, you know, and we can just vomit out too much.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: So I really hear you and you use the word margin and we talked about it last time.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: We'll say it over and over.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: It's a trendy word right now and they do a.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: All kinds of Ted talks and everything else about margin, but it's more important to have margin in our relationships.
• 5:59
  Cheryl (2): our most important relationships are within your home.
• 6:02
  Cheryl (2): So you've got to have margin for everybody, including yourself.
• 6:06
  Cheryl (2): Can you think of a place, I mean actually in your lives right now, if you think about it where you might be able to raw.
• 6:15
  Cheryl (2): Some time and emotional energy.
• 6:18
  Cheryl (2): That you could use so you can handle it and can give yourself more easily without being so very drained.
• 6:27
  Cheryl (2): I'm just asking.
• 6:27
  Cheryl (2): I don't know.
• 6:28
  Cheryl (2): Can you think of something?
• 6:29
  Kyla: I keep thinking of the constant pool of social media in my life and I've cut it out and I've done without it.
• 6:38
  Kyla: And then.
• 6:38
  Kyla: Someone's communicating with me.
• 6:40
  Kyla: So I add it back on my phone and it just sucks me in and oh, 30 minutes are gone or I don't get enough sleep.
• 6:47
  Kyla: And so for me, that's what I'm thinking.
• 6:51
  Kyla: It's, it's a, time-waster it drains me.
• 6:54
  Kyla: It fills my thoughts with stuff I don't need.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: So it would be an area to, again, you're, you're stealing time and focus from that
• 7:05
  Michelle: Even what you're talking about, Kyla, um, even in the morning when I wake up, I have had a tendency to go check my email, to check my messages because some of my friends get up really early and just start sending me stuff.
• 7:19
  Michelle: And so I'll check them and listen to it.
• 7:21
  Michelle: Yeah.
• 7:22
  Michelle: You know, that's the time of day where I can actually get stuff done.
• 7:25
  Michelle: I don't have any little ones around me, but at the same time I'm noticing.
• 7:29
  Michelle: And I'm glad that you're bringing it up because I've started to wonder if this is really causing a problem during my day, because I start in on it and then it just fills my thoughts and I can't get out of it because I feel like.
• 7:42
  Michelle: To answer.
• 7:43
  Michelle: I need to go think about this.
• 7:45
  Michelle: I need to go research.
• 7:46
  Michelle: I need to go figure out what I need to do next.
• 7:49
  Michelle: Instead of focusing on what my day is going to look like getting grounded to minister, to my kids.
• 7:57
  Michelle: And, um, so I think that that's very, that's an issue for me too.
• 8:03
  Kyla: And that's on 10 to dues onto you weren't even expecting that in your mind.
• 8:08
  Ellen: Well, I think the device.
• 8:10
  Ellen: Make us feel like everything's urgent.
• 8:12
  Ellen: There's just something about the way they've made those devices with the Dean.
• 8:16
  Ellen: Some people even have like alarms, you know, that sound like a ambulance or something.
• 8:23
  Ellen: So we really do become slaves to that.
• 8:26
  Ellen: You know, we think, oh gosh, I gotta answer this.
• 8:28
  Ellen: I got cause reality is if we sat back and thought for a little bit, most of the stuff I don't need to answer right now, it's not urgent.
• 8:36
  Ellen: It's not, life-changing You know?
• 8:38
  Ellen: And that's something probably we all have to work into our lives and say, you know, not right now,
• 8:45
  Cheryl: This is where you can buy some time and buy energy, because all those things already, we're talking about you being internal processes.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: We, external processes are distracted by it and it physically uses time, but already you're being drained in relationships and words.
• 9:03
  Cheryl: your full cup is already draining before your kids even get up some Dickinson.
• 9:10
  Kyla: Definitely.
• 9:11
  Michelle: But then at the end of the day, I feel the same way.
• 9:14
  Michelle: I feel drained too by all the relationships.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: So I love to hear back from you.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: If you find what works I'd love to hear, particularly for this particular issue.
• 9:26
  Michelle: Okay.
• 9:26
  Michelle: So I was really enjoying your story about Alex going to the bank and how you prepped him to be able to talk to the teller at the bank.
• 9:37
  Michelle: And it really made me think more about my children and how they're individually wired and the personalities that they have.
• 9:45
  Michelle: And you talked about how, um, you really needed something.
• 9:51
  Michelle: Um, helped you to understand that Alex wasn't trying to be disobedient.
• 9:55
  Michelle: It was just the way he was made.
• 9:57
  Michelle: And that was just a difficult situation for him.
• 10:00
  Michelle: And so I'm just wondering, how can you, um, train these different personalities when you have, you know, they're not all made the same.
• 10:10
  Michelle: So what does that look like to train, um, a child who is maybe more compliant versus a child who.
• 10:18
  Michelle: Not as compliant
• 10:20
  Cheryl: as our resident noncompliant, Helen, what would you say to that?
• 10:25
  Ellen: Well, I think that Cheryl's story about Alex was really helpful because it kind of showed as a parent.
• 10:34
  Ellen: That's what we have to be aware of.
• 10:37
  Ellen: We have to know our children.
• 10:38
  Ellen: And I think sometimes as moms, it's really good to sort of think through scenarios in our heads and how we'd want to discuss those with our children ahead of time, regardless of who the child is.
• 10:50
  Ellen: And maybe even what the consequences, so that in the moment you don't have to be doing everything you kind of have.
• 10:57
  Ellen: You don't have to have it.
• 10:59
  Ellen: Point by point by point.
• 11:00
  Ellen: But I have a general idea.
• 11:01
  Ellen: You know, this is a, this is a big consequence and this is a little consequence and kind of know ahead of time, you know, you've thought through some things.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: I rarely like that.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: My favorite parenting guru is Paul Tripp.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: He has such wise help.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: And one of the ways he's helped me is to remember life, but particularly parenting is not events.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: It's a process.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: And so if we think everything is pass, fail, we're going to make it, we're going to ruin our children.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: Oh, if I didn't say the right thing and now I have to meet all my children's needs.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: If we see it that way.
• 11:38
  Cheryl: We're saying we're infinite and we have all of this to give and we're totally failing.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: But if we can look at it as a process, but that's going to take the slowing down.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: And like you said, the studying and I love the term dialogue to slow down and talk with your children to understand you had a great example because Ellen's just never met her.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: She does a great job at that.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: But you said you're more, um, internal processor, shier child one time asked your question and you never thought to ask the question?
• 12:13
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:14
  Ellen: One of my children asked me who was the introvert?
• 12:17
  Ellen: She said, mom, how do you make friends?
• 12:20
  Ellen: And I was really, I didn't know what to say, cause I had never thought about it.
• 12:25
  Ellen: It just, just like you go up and say hello, but if you're an introvert, that's a huge step.
• 12:31
  Ellen: So that was a really something I had to think through and kind of had to venture to try to walk her through that.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: And with me, because I have met a lot of people and I do.
• 12:41
  Cheryl: Talk a lot with people, but my kids say, oh, mom, it's so easy for you.
• 12:45
  Cheryl: I don't know what to do.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: And so we've had this dialogue over the years because it is easier to be all about me.
• 12:53
  Cheryl: And then I'm just telling you, I'm a selfish, prideful person.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: And I like it to be about me, but as I'm growing, I hope I'm being changed to be all person that loves others better and better.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: And so the thing I quit them with is ask questions.
• 13:09
  Cheryl: Because a good conversationalist ask questions.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: So I'm giving a specific answer sort of to what she's saying, but that sort of dialogue, saying, ask questions.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: You can ask questions, listen to people so down and then just ask good questions, so that sort of thing, it comes from the dialogue.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: And if Ellen weren't in dialogue with her daughter, she probably never would have asked that question.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: She would have.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: I'm a failure.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: I'm stupid.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: Obviously I'm failing.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Cause my mom's so good at this, but because of their relationship and that's why relationships are so important.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: And the same, if we go back to even Alex being that young, because the shyness lasted him quite a while.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: It's gone now, but to be in a relationship where he felt safe, With me, even though I'm not shy to be able to talk about how I felt about it.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: I wish I had gotten an, a plus in that, in my parenting, but I was growing and learning alongside my kids.
• 14:11
  Michelle: How do you keep yourself from repeating?
• 14:16
  Michelle: I tend to, I noticed that about myself, that I tend to say the same thing, because I'm hoping that they will do what I've asked
• 14:23
  Ellen: on the fifth time.
• 14:24
  Ellen: Maybe
• 14:25
  Michelle: I don't want to do that.
• 14:27
  Michelle: I really want.
• 14:28
  Michelle: Say it and they do it.
• 14:31
  Michelle: Um, where do you, how do you get to the point where you can just say it and they do it.
• 14:35
  Kyla: Great question.
• 14:36
  Kyla: Michelle.
• 14:37
  Kyla: Me too
• 14:38
  Ellen: Why does it say, I know with my children, one of the ways it helped me just to not nag was having that conversation where you made sure.
• 14:49
  Ellen: They knew what you wanted.
• 14:51
  Ellen: So if it was, I need you to have the bathroom cleaned by three o'clock.
• 14:56
  Ellen: Okay.
• 14:56
  Ellen: Mom, I have to have the bathroom clean by three o'clock.
• 14:59
  Ellen: So there's a good kind of short conversation on that.
• 15:02
  Ellen: That that's fully understood.
• 15:04
  Ellen: I also asked my children.
• 15:07
  Ellen: Do you prefer to be told something or do you prefer me to write it down?
• 15:12
  Ellen: And that helps a lot because if you're a visual person you don't hear as well, it goes in one ear out the other, but if you're a person that's audible, then you're going to remember.
• 15:23
  Ellen: And so depending on the child, I would, for one kid, I would write it down for the other kid.
• 15:28
  Ellen: I would tell him if I told him again, they got mad.
• 15:30
  Ellen: Cause they felt like you told me that.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: Yup.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: Remember it's a, it's a, um,
• 15:35
  Ellen: it's a process
• 15:37
  Cheryl: It's a process and they're being trained.
• 15:40
  Cheryl: We just have to learn to be more patient as they're doing it, unless you discern their.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: And we have to remember, they may be able to articulate.
• 15:50
  Cheryl: They may be able to read quickly or play soccer or they're tall, or they're just whatever, but they're still really immature inside.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: So we have to have that with grace, You have to begin to start holding them accountable.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: Um, even to a small degree with the little ones and you start small to succeed big and then I agree with the writing down.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Some of my kids want it both ways and one very golden retriever puppy.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: And so trying to come up with ways that you could remember go get this, do this, do that like three little things.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: And this is, I don't know, six camouflage era.
• 16:29
  Cheryl: And I even got a little camouflage flip notebook and a camouflage, a little pencil.
• 16:34
  Cheryl (2): And.
• 16:35
  Cheryl (2): I said, Hey, what a great idea.
• 16:37
  Cheryl (2): You just write down.
• 16:39
  Cheryl (2): And then when you get the first one, you look at the second and that will just remind you.
• 16:43
  Cheryl (2): And he said, mom, if I could remember to look at the notebook And I began to realize, okay, I, this is going to take some development and to work with them and to stretch that, um, attention span.
• 16:57
  Cheryl (2): Does that help?
• 16:57
  Michelle: Yes.
• 16:58
  Michelle: And then my mind goes to, well, what happens if they don't follow through wired it and then you haven't reminded, but it hasn't happened.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: That depends so on their age, their temperament.
• 17:14
  Cheryl: Um, again, is this a pattern you see all the time or something suddenly changed because sometimes moms will say, wow, my, you know, whatever it is.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: And I say, is anything changed?
• 17:26
  Cheryl: Well, yeah, my husband just got a diagnosis or we just moved or we just had a new baby or school just started.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: And they've now in a whole new school system.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: You know, that explains it, but if they're ones that just don't listen to you, then you can start holding them more accountable.
• 17:46
  Kyla: That's super helpful.
• 17:47
  Kyla: So it just, it got me thinking, because you said at some point you have to hold them accountable and Ellen was talking about, um, if I have to tell you twice, you know, there might be a consequence.
• 18:00
  Kyla: How do you implement consequences?
• 18:04
  Kyla: With keeping the relationship in mind, because in your last podcast, you talked a lot about keeping the relationship, um, walking, alongside talking to them, getting to know them individually.
• 18:17
  Kyla: And sometimes I feel like with my own kids, we spend so much time talking about it that by the end of it, I'm exhausted.
• 18:25
  Kyla: And I'm like, oh, wait a minute.
• 18:27
  Kyla: I guess there needs to be a consequence.
• 18:28
  Kyla: What do we do so help?
• 18:30
  Kyla: What do we do?
• 18:31
  Ellen: Well, obviously know your child You're explaining what they did that warranted a consequence, but the consequence should be impacted.
• 18:40
  Ellen: It doesn't have to be horrendous, but it has to, um, the consequences have to, um, weigh against what the infraction was if you want to put it that way.
• 18:50
  Ellen: And so those are the things that, as a mom and a dad, you need to think through ahead of time, you can't have everything plotted out, but you can have general ideas and then think of each child.
• 19:02
  Ellen: What is a consequence for them?
• 19:04
  Ellen: Because like I said, some of my kids thought that was the greatest thing to be able to go sit on their bed.
• 19:08
  Ellen: But then when I said you can't have a book, then it felt more of a consequence.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: Also Kyla developing this relationship and having dialogue.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: Does it mean that they get to lead your around and just argue with you?
• 19:24
  Cheryl: So uh, dialogue.
• 19:25
  Cheryl: It's not arguing now.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: There can be energy to it and emotion, but that's where you have to have the awareness they're arguing with me.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: And so I'm going to cut the arguments of it down.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Oh, And one of the wonderful things I wish I'd learned it 25 years before is to stick to one subject.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: So if they bring up, well, that's not fair because my brother gets to do this.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: And yesterday, Don and I go, oh, okay.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: I'll be glad to talk about it.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: But right now we're talking about, I ask you to pick those things up off the counter.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Are they arguing about it to prolong this and wear you out or they're not owning up to it and then you have the right to draw your boundaries, their boundaries in this, this is not a paid counseling session and they can rant all they want and you have to gauge it for the person and their sincerity.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: And also it goes back to kind of lecturing.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: If it's too long, they're shutting down.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: They're just trying to get out of it That's what I saw in my kids.
• 20:34
  Ellen: And they'll take advantage of.
• 20:36
  Ellen: If, if they, oh, mom's going to listen to, I can keep going and going.
• 20:40
  Ellen: And maybe she'll forget even what I did because we're talking so long.
• 20:45
  Ellen: Um, so they didn't care if that was just the ploy, even if they didn't understand that that was just kind of the deflection of get mom to talk about it.
• 20:52
  Michelle: Yes.
• 20:53
  Michelle: I have recognized that in our conversations at home too, I think that's a really good point, making sure that you're not falling into an argument and getting led around in different.
• 21:04
  Ellen: And you can always come back to a conversation.
• 21:07
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:07
  Ellen: You can say, okay, I hear your points, but right now your consequences, this, and then if you still want to talk about it this afternoon, we can sit down and continue the discussion.
• 21:18
  Kyla: That's good.
• 21:20
  Ellen: And you're also right now, you're kind of referring to when you're actually at your house, which is a little different.
• 21:25
  Ellen: If you're out in public, you may need to say to the child, no, you need to do that.
• 21:29
  Ellen: Now we'll talk about it later because it's not an appropriate time.
• 21:33
  Ellen: Maybe there's time constraints.
• 21:35
  Ellen: There's nothing.
• 21:36
  Ellen: And maybe you're at home and you're running out the door and your child's lost their shoes for the 50th time.
• 21:42
  Ellen: So that's not the time you're going to want to spend right.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: And a really good slogan for that, that I've found is you deal with it when it's the issue, you discuss it when it is.
• 21:52
  Michelle: So occasionally I have situations where we've been at someone else's home and we've had a play date or something for instance, and something happens where my children do something that was obviously not okay.
• 22:07
  Michelle: Either.
• 22:07
  Michelle: They had a conversation and shared something that happens at our home.
• 22:12
  Michelle: People don't need to know about, for instance, my two year old runs around in her underwear all the time.
• 22:17
  Michelle: And, and my daughter is sharing that with everyone, but, you know, I have to talk with her about when's the appropriate time to share those things.
• 22:25
  Michelle: And when it's not appropriate and I find myself wanting to do.
• 22:29
  Michelle: Start talking about it immediately when we get in the car, is that the right time to talk about it?
• 22:34
  Michelle: Because I'm, I'm worried that I might be making her embarrassed or feel ashamed that she did something wrong.
• 22:43
  Michelle: So I've been wondering how to approach those kinds of situations.
• 22:48
  Cheryl: That's a really good point because the same thing I want it fixed, that's fix it now.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: I'm not loving my child.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: 'cause you just said is she's going to be embarrassed in a, she's going to be defensive.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: It's a little bit like the lecture.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: How can I be driving the car and not be lecturing?
• 23:09
  Cheryl: It's kind of hard to have that dialogue.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: Plus I think it should be private, not in front of the others, because all the reasons to show respect, it's a respect issue.
• 23:19
  Cheryl: You know, someone you respected, you wouldn't do that to, so why can't we show respect to our children?
• 23:26
  Cheryl: And remind their parents.
• 23:29
  Ellen: And I think sometimes as parents, we probably can take our discussion how I'm put it in.
• 23:35
  Ellen: You know, cause we have to also has to be age appropriate, how much we discuss, but you know, most of the time, if you give your child a reason why you're doing it, let them say something.
• 23:45
  Ellen: If they want to, and then move on because really most things our kids do.
• 23:50
  Ellen: Aren't a top tier crime, you know, they're just things that they have to learn.
• 23:56
  Ellen: As Cheryl had said, this is the first time for all of us.
• 23:59
  Ellen: It's the first time for them.
• 24:00
  Ellen: It's the first time they've went and met friends in a sandbox.
• 24:04
  Ellen: So we have to teach that's the whole point.
• 24:07
  Ellen: We're training them how to get along with everybody and they don't innately know
• 24:11
  Kyla: that's good advice.
• 24:13
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 24:13
  Kyla: More time isn't necessarily better.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: But well, adjusted time, right?
• 24:19
  Cheryl: And particularly with everything that everybody has going on nowadays also, I'd like what you're saying, because think about, if you bring all the emotion out of it, I knew white and you watch a good time and say, Hey, come here and you put your arm around them and say, remember kind of how we were talking about some of the ways that we love and respect our family.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: We don't talk to others about Things that might embarrass them.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: You know, kind of when you were saying that today, if her guard is way down and all of that, that's just looks to me like a much better way to have the conversation, because then you're really dialoguing and she Probably knew it.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: I adapt.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: That was the first time you've ever talked about the kinds of appropriate thing.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: So dish will know, you know, that's just the kind of thing we don't do, because if we think about your little sister, And kind of then instead of coming in, correcting, you're coming alongside and then she doesn't have to argue back.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: So I don't know, just a little bit being a student of your child.
• 25:22
  Ellen: Again, I like that.
• 25:24
  Ellen: And these are the training years for us as moms because it's training us.
• 25:29
  Ellen: So when you go into the next, the teen years, you have already established rapport and relationship with your children.
• 25:38
  Ellen: So they're used to.
• 25:39
  Ellen: Talking with you, discussing with you.
• 25:42
  Ellen: And it, when they get into the more argumentative years, it'll be easier to focus and, and stay on track
• 25:49
  Cheryl: But the reason we want them to dialogue back as they're trying to figure life out for themselves, rather than just alongside of you.
• 25:57
  Ellen: And right now in these years, most of the stuff is pretty unimportant.
• 26:03
  Ellen: You know, they're not a big deal.
• 26:05
  Ellen: The next phase of life can be life altering for everyone based on some decisions a teen could make.
• 26:12
  Ellen: But in these, in these middle years, you know, it's usually teaching them manners, behavior, listening, understanding, things like that.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: Yes, that's so good.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: And that when we train, we're trying to train for who they are, not what they did.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: So we're using what they do to help them develop with who they are.
• 26:34
  Ellen: And it's not the outcome.
• 26:36
  Ellen: It's the process.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: Say it again, because this is so important.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: Ellen, what do you mean
• 26:41
  Ellen: is not the outcome?
• 26:42
  Ellen: It's the process, the process that we're training ourselves to do, we're training our children to do, to be able to talk back and forth about issues.
• 26:52
  Ellen: And that's a really wonderful skill for everyone for their whole life.
• 26:57
  Cheryl: Yes, our time has fun.
• 27:00
  Cheryl: This has been fantastic.
• 27:02
  Cheryl: Oh, Kyla and Michelle, thank you so much for taking your time to come.
• 27:08
  Kyla: It's been amazing.
• 27:09
  Kyla: Thanks for having us.
• 27:11
  Michelle: Thank you so much,
• 27:12
  Cheryl: please come back again.
• 27:13
  Kyla: Of course.
• 27:15
  Michelle: Yes.
• 27:16
  Ellen: Thank you for making so easy too.
• 27:19
  Ellen: It helps.
• 27:20
  Cheryl: All right, moms.
• 27:22
  Cheryl: So until next time, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 27:33
  Ellen: It is worth it.