Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 268. The Different "Attachment" Styles. Why They Are Important To Know, And How They Can Impact Your Relationship

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268. The Different "Attachment" Styles. Why They Are Important To Know, And How They Can Impact Your Relationship · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: And today's episode is the different attachment styles and why it's important to know them and how they can impact your relationship.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: I gotta be totally honest with you.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I, when we first talked about doing this, I was like attachment styles, I don't even know anything about these like I bet you did.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: I bet you just didn't realize what it was called, correct, yeah and we've never done a podcast episode on this subject, but after preparing for it and looking over this and looking at like people around us in our own lives and how people are literally affected and their, their personalities and and the way they react to things are shaped because of the way they were raised and because of the attachment style that they have, like, I was like, oh my heck, this is like extremely important.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: This should have been like in our top you know, first 30 podcast episodes I know you've been pushing it back like that's not important I don't really want to talk about that.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't want to talk about intimacy.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: This affects me, this totally affects intimacy yeah, you're like me and you're like I just want to hear about okay, so it's just funny.
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: I just want you guys all to know this uh-oh, where's she going it's okay.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: So we have this list of podcasts in front of us, right, like you can't see the behind the scenes things like the information, but it's hilarious, like how many more downloads we get when we're talking about sexual intimacy.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: Like.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: I think most of our half of our audience is men and half are women, but it still shows that, like the average listener still wants those certain episodes, which is funny, because I think they're.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: you must be a lot like nick yeah, he likes to talk about those that that that topic a little bit more than other topics well, what's so funny is you can have like a just a totally normal podcast subject of like how do we slide the word sex into this?
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: So it could be like how to teach your kids how to color within the lines.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: I'm not Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: What you don't slide sex into something like that.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: No, I'm just saying you could have the most random.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: Like you know how to be a better fisherman and have sex later that night.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: And how the fishing will affect your sex life and all of a sudden, everyone's downloading it because you're like, yeah, I want to know how.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I want to know how I'm going to have better sex if I'm a better fisherman.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: So it it is pretty funny, right yeah, I.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I just wanted to point that out because I I think a lot of men that are the higher drive are like I want a podcast, I want to know how to get my wife to want it more or desire it more, desire me more, to prioritize it more and I think that's the average male, unless you're a high drive wife.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: And I think that women are like oh, I love this podcast because they're going to tell my husband how to be more romantic and more emotional, intimate.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: And it's just funny how I always thought like the emotional intimacy podcast episodes would be more downloaded by wives and the sexual intimacy podcast episodes would be more downloaded by husbands.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: But it amazes me that the sexual intimacy ones are still like 80% of the most downloaded episodes.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Well, it's one of those things, like, there are certain subjects like if you had the full like solution to it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like baldness, right, like if there was an absolute cure for baldness, we'd be multi-billionaires, right.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: And so it's like the same thing with sex If there was an absolute way that, oh, you do this simple thing and your wife's going to want to make love to you all the time.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: I mean, but there's not.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: There's so many intricate details and different things going on and things like that, but the funny thing is that the husbands are looking for that solution.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: They literally think what is that solution?
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: Nick and Amy are going to give me that solution.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: If you told me to go out in the desert and rub two sticks together and that would make my wife want sexual intimacy with me more, I would give it a try.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Huh, I'm saying that the average guy.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: If you told him to go out in the desert and rub two sticks together, or go find a magic lamp.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like we would say, yeah, might as well give it a try, we have nothing to lose.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: I'll do anything is what you're saying.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: I'll do anything, yeah absolutely Okay.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: So we're getting totally off subject here, but let's dive into this, okay well, the point, the reason I brought that up, is because all of the things we talk about not just the one that have the word sexual intimacy in the topic all of them help improve your intimate life.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Like of them help improve your intimate life, like even the ones that don't look like they have anything to do with intimacy.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Everything in your marriage impacts your intimacy absolutely absolutely that's the whole point no, you're exactly right, it's so true, like even the subjects that have nothing to do with sexual intimacy, if you improve.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: That's why we talk about so many different things, because, as silly as it may sound, like I said, if it, regardless, even it has nothing to do with sexual intimacy, it still has to do with sexual intimacy at the end of the day as well, right, right, emotionally and sexually.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: That's my point is this one even though it's about attachment styles, it totally affects other aspects of your intimate life.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: This will be interesting because nick doesn't know a ton about the attachment styles and he probably hasn't really read into it, but I think you're gonna be shocked, like as we read through it.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: You're gonna be like I'm like this, you're like this, this is why I'm like this and this is why you're like this, because the more I look into like even just arguments or conflict or anything, I'm like, oh, he's this way because of how he was raised and I'm this way because of how I was raised and it's interesting how that can be so impactful to a relationship when you start to recognize things important, things like this that professionals have really diagnosed right instead of just thinking what in the world is wrong with my spouse or vice, what's wrong with me, or you know what I mean like the more I look into like nick's upbringing, the more I realize how opposite we really are like we grew up totally different, different parent like, raised by different parenting styles just I.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: There's big differences in every marriage and every relationship and I think finding those and figuring out how to come together and understand each other is massive for your intimate life and I think most couples are like us, where they're raised differently, right like, unless you were both raised, you know alike.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, and these are things you have to navigate.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: So this attachment theory was first, I think, proposed by a psychologist named john bulby.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Uh, don't know, john don't know who he is sounds like a nice guy, but he suggests that the way individuals form relationships with others, meaning your husband or your wife or people around you but we're today we're talking about husband and wife, uh, your spouse, um it's greatly influenced by the early experiences you have with your parents, grandparents, obviously, people that are raising you, the people you're around, your family members, things like that.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: So let's, we'll quickly talk about the four different attachment styles and we'll kind of give our thoughts on each.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: I hope.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: If you have any questions or if you want to look deeper into it.
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of books on this.
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of information online.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: If we say something wrong, sorry, we're not experts in this area.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: We are not the experts on this subject.
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: We've done our research.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: We'll express it as good as we can, but if you want to dive into it deeper, please, there's so much good stuff on this online.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: We're basically saying most couples are probably like us and might not have heard of this, and this can open up your eyes as to, maybe, some of the reasons why your spouse reacts a certain way.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's all we're doing is bringing something to light, because I certainly didn't understand a lot about this.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: But so let's talk about secure attachment.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: This is for individuals that feel very comfortable with the intimacy in their marriage, their independence.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: They trust their spouse, they're able to express their emotions openly and believe that their needs will be met.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: I, I mean a secure attachment.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: It sounds to me like it's a, it's a couple that's kind of person you mean.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: That's not usually both people, yeah a person.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: But it talks a lot about how they trust their spouse.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: They have open communication.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: I think in a marriage to me, I would look at this and say you know, if, if one spouse is feeling very comfortable in the marriage and they're able to communicate with their spouse, and things like that, it's hopefully going both ways.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: But I see I beg to differ.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: I think that you get a lot of people that are very independent, comfortable, and the other person can very much be anxious and I, like one person, can feel very secure in the relationship and trustworthy and independent, where another person can be like completely opposite of that.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so an example, and that's where it gets hard.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: It's like you have to talk about these things, right?
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: And the example that we have is you know the wife feels secure in her relationship with her husband and you know wife feels secure in a relationship with her husband.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: You know she's able to communicate openly with him about her feelings and she trusts that he will be there for her, you know, anytime she needs him and she feels comfortable giving and receiving affection.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: So to me that sounds like a it sounds like a pretty good relationship.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: Right, he's probably he's doing his chair he's probably a stud.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: You know, he's probably a good dude.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: So or she's just super confident, yeah, and and he does listen, obviously right, like if she feels like, yeah, there's no abuse or anything in the relationship.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: So anxious, preoccupied attachment like oh, this already sounds like it's going to be hard to read.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Um, no, I'm just teasing.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: Individuals with anxious or preoccupied attachment style are very often worried about their spouse's love and approval.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: They may seek constant reassurance.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: They may fear abandonment.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I would look at this as like maybe someone who's a little bit insecure.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: They are everything their spouse does.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Maybe they're worried if they love them.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: An example of this would be like if I send Amy a text and she didn't respond to me for a half hour, am I going to start thinking, oh my heck, I'm not important to her?
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Does she love me?
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: What's she doing?
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're feeling very insecure.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Why is she not getting back to me?
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: yeah, yeah so I think that and I think what's important about these things is that there's these are caused by things that you've been through, sometimes trauma, sometimes the way you were raised, like we said, for sure it's not bad that you have this.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it's because you've been through something, because maybe you had a really bad relationship or a bad first marriage, or boyfriends that you couldn't trust, or the way you were raised you couldn't rely on people or your parents.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: There's just, I mean, I could go on and on and on.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: But the healthier you can talk, I think, the more you get secure in your marriage, the more you start trusting, the more the communication is better.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: Right, like, there's a lot of spouses, I think, that are like this, and I think that's when you have to like understand what have you been through?
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: Like, what was your upbringing?
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Like, like, why are you so worried that you're not on my priority list?
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: Why are you so worried that you're not on my priority list?
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Why are you so worried and I think that's what makes the relationship important to realize this is so that maybe there's a secure spouse, secure attachment spouse, is bugged by that right, like I'm coming home.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's all good, I'll be home in an hour, everything's fine, but they need that reassurance right, which could be really annoying for the one person and really annoying for the other person.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: that's where balance comes in and that's tricky for sure, and so a person that that fills this is going to be probably more like you know, they're gonna avoid deeper discussions and conversations and emotions.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: They don't want to get vulnerable.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: If a spouse wants to get too close or too what's the word I'm trying to use they're probably going to withdraw right, and I think too, as we're going through these, and if you're thinking, oh, you know, that sounds a little bit like me, I think you could look back and probably identify maybe certain things in your childhood that maybe caused this right, for sure, be like, yeah, I think I'm that way because I know my parents parented me this way, or maybe smothered me or didn't smother me, or whatever, sure, or didn't smother me, or you know whatever I mean.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: And so, as we're going through these, I also want you to think too, not only for your relationship, but how are you parenting your kids?
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: and so they can be healthy is the way you're parenting your kids going to cause certain attachment styles that are maybe affect them in their future and their marriage as well, right?
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Are you a helicopter parent?
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: That's just totally smothering your child.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Are you you know, or are you too detached?
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, maybe just consider that, because they trust you yeah, exactly, trust you, exactly.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Um, I'm gonna jump in the next one, the next one is dismissive, avoidant attachment.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: They, these kind of people, um, they tend to avoid closeness and intimacy in the relationship which, oh, that makes the marriage hard.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Right, that makes the marriage real hard.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: They might prioritize, independent and often suppress their emotions, rather, express their emotions to their spouse.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: They kind of avoid those very intimate conversations which really can wreck a relationship.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is going to be a very more independent person, right.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: They're going to avoid, like you said, getting close or, like you said, being vulnerable.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: They're going to be a very more independent person, right.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: They're going to avoid, like you said, getting close or, like I said, being vulnerable.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: They're going to be very independent, right.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: So let's share an example of this.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: A wife might be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy in a relationship.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: Oh, I already skipped ahead.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: I already did that one Whoops did the wrong one, yeah, anyways, no, the the wrong one, yeah.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: Anyways, no, the dismissive avoidant.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: This is where a wife would like.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: I would probably say more husbands are like this and more than women are like this, because women most usually like to have conversations and deep conversations.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: A lot of husbands are taught like kind of like hold your feelings in.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: So I think a lot more men would probably fall into this one.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: But where, like, one of the spouses really avoids getting vulnerable and getting really deep, which marriage take those?
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Especially how we talk about sexual intimacy all the time, emotional intimacy, making sure your needs are met when your needs are not being met, especially your sexual needs, women, women struggle with really talking.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: A lot of women struggle with talking about sexual intimacy things right.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: But a lot of men, I think, have a struggle with emotional, deep, sharing their feelings, that kind of thing.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: So that one, I think, kind of comes back to a lot of parenting.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: Like how were you raised?
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: Were you taught that men couldn't express themselves, that men were supposed to be more, not as vulnerable?
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean?
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: oh, yeah, for sure, and I think, like I said, like you were saying, um, they're going to be more independent.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: These, this is going to be the type of person that's just going to go do their own thing.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: They're going to oftentimes feel more comfortable, kind of being away or spending time by themselves or out doing other things right, you know versus maybe connecting at home with their spouse.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: And then the next one is sorry, we're kind of going over these fast.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: They get a lot deeper but fearful.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: Avoidant attachment is where individuals have a conflicted relationship with intimacy.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: They desire close relationships but they kind of have that fear of rejection.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: May alternate between pushing, you know your spouse away versus like seeking closeness, you know what I mean yeah yeah, so an example of this might be be a husband wants to be close to his wife, but she is afraid of getting hurt.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: So obviously she, you know, has that fear.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: Or withdrawing when you feel vulnerable.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: Withdrawing because you're more like afraid afraid of being too emotional, Right.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah, which is really similar to the other one too, like one of them's dismissive dismissive, avoidant, and this one's like fearful avoidant, like one's more just like pushes it away, this one's more like fear of being vulnerable.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: that's the difference yeah, and that could be.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: You see a lot of people that have fear of emotional intimacy.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: There's people that are fear, have the fear of physical intimacy.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: They're afraid of letting their spouse down or they won't perform, or I.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: You know, we've seen, we've we've known some people like this, right that have a fear of being close and being intimate, and it's, you know.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: It is interesting to understand, you know why, why that is, or what caused that, and I I.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: I don't necessarily know, but maybe something could be pinpointed in the childhood that made them fear, you know, getting too close to someone or you know Well and I think there's a lot of like the way you were raised how close you were to the parents, if you had a good relationship, like a lot of women, if they had a close relationship with their dad.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: That made a difference in their relationships with men or with the husband.
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: I just feel like all the things that we grow up around impact us sometimes and we don't even realize it.
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: Like I look at I think I already stated this, but I look at your upbringing where your mom was gone a lot more.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: My mom was always there I feel like I have more of a I don't want to say secure attachment, but I feel like that upbringing different has probably impacted us quite a bit in our relationship Right yeah.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Not that you're a boy or anything, but just because I think we are definitely different.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: I'm definitely not as like sensitive, maybe, when it comes to our kids, and maybe that's the way I was raised.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Right Is because maybe I'm not, as I don't know the word I'm trying to use, but yeah, I definitely feel like the way I was raised probably not probably, but definitely has an impact on the way I parent, the way I have a relationship with you.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: I think I've overcome some of the things, like I think and we're going to talk about how to overcome I think I've changed a lot as a person from the day we got married to where I'm at now.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you'd say I haven't, but he's like nah, he's still just a stubborn mule.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: Um, no, definitely not.
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: I think that's the great thing about kind of understanding where you fit in and why you fit into the different attachment styles is because, like looking back and recognizing that is like key to.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: We all want to be in that securest attachment right when we all feel secure with our spouse, secure with our relationship.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: We feel that a 100% trust.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: We feel like we can be vulnerable and express ourselves sexually, emotionally.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: We want to have all that secure attachment.
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: We all are long for that right and I think that the longer that you're married, if you've been able to become better communicating, better at giving, better at being open and being like I can share with you.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: I trust you, yeah, you, I can text you and I don't hear back for me a couple hours, that's okay.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: You were off doing something.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: Now look at your phone.
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: You were busy, like I think the longer sometimes that people get married and the better they get with marriage, the more we become if they're really trying to be healthy, the more we can become secure in our attachment.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: For sure, and I think the other reason why it's really important to know these and understand what you are and what your spouse is is so that you don't take it personally.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: You know, we we say this all the time, but if, if my personality is a certain way, a lot of times I'm just going to assume that that assume that's how my spouses should be right.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Or if I think a certain way about something, I assume that amy thinks a certain way.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: So, for example, if I'm a, if I'm a dismissive attachment style, um, and I'm not comfortable sharing my emotional feelings and things like that, amy's gonna think what's wrong with him, why, what did?
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: I do wrong what did, I do why yeah, why won't he share his feelings or this and that?
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: and I don't think a thing of it, that's just the way I am, and so you're not like that at all no, but I'm just giving that as an example, like how easy it is to start thinking that maybe we've done something wrong because our spouse isn't reacting the way we want them to react, when in reality, it could just be that that's just the way they are because of the way they were brought up or raised, and so I think it's so important to understand that my wife is like this because of this, or my husband is like this because of this, wife is like this because of this, or my husband is like this because of this.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: So, instead of taking something personally, I just need to know that that's, that's the way they are.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: But it doesn't mean it doesn't mean you can't work together to improve or change things right with communication or become more, um, more, I guess, emotionally connected and things like that.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: And I haven't really pinpointed exactly what I feel like both of us like where our weaknesses are, where it falls on the scale, but like when it comes to conflict with us in our marriage.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm a little bit more like if something's frustrating, nick wants to like fix it, be vulnerable, talk about it, and I'm a little more avoidant.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: I'm like I need space.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: Give me a day.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure Like we're definitely different and I look back at our upbringings and I'm like okay, this is why this makes sense and this is why the way I am Not that that's like healthy or okay, but more like I don't want to talk about it right now.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: And he's like let's talk about it right now, we're just let's resolve it right now, and so sometimes he feels like maybe she doesn't love me enough because she doesn't want to fix this and mend it and be intimate.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: And I'm just like dude, I need a break.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: Well, and I'll be honest with you, sometimes, when, if she does that, um, it makes me wonder like okay, what thinking is she?
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: You know what is she thinking?
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: And obviously that's not good to be.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Like okay, wonder, start making assumptions, or things like that.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she's questioning the marriage, when in actuality she just needs time to think.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Or sometimes for amy too, it's like she'll be mad for a day and then she'll get over it.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: You know, be like, oh something well sometimes and I tell nick this all the time I'm like I'm literally I just need to soak on this, it'll probably, I'd probably go away and I'll be glad I didn't say anything tomorrow.
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: It's probably stupid because I'll stir a little bit and be upset about something and then sometimes it can go away and and I'm not saying that that's good it's just like for nick.
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: This is where this becomes a problem, because he starts questioning how is she feeling about the relationship?
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: And I feel like I'm pretty secure in my relationship.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: So even if we have an issue for a date, I'm not worried about him going anywhere.
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: I'm not worried about him wondering where our relationship's at.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: I know it's going to be fine, like we're going to be great.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: We've been through hard stuff together, like we're good, it's all good, so anyways, let's talk about how to yeah so let's briefly go over how you can overcome this and we won't spend much time on this.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: But I think the first thing is you need to recognize the attachment style that you have and recognize that you maybe are that attachment style.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say have an issue, because it's not necessarily it's not an issue because it's not necessarily an issue.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: It's more of recognizing what attachment style you are, as well as your spouse's, and why maybe you don't have that balance that you want.
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely, and I'd like that you pointed that out, because, just because you might be avoided in something or fearful of something that doesn't like, it was probably caused by something.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: So, looking deep down inside and be like like, why do I feel like this and being able to express that to your spouse, that's healthy, for sure, that's healthy which leads into the second thing which we talk about all the time is you have to communicate openly, and I know if you're a spouse that just doesn't like to communicate, I'm sorry, but this is like the one thing that you have to figure out.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: Even if it's uncomfortable, you have to figure out how to do.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: You have to communicate.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you don't, if you don't communicate, your, your marriage is going to be in serious trouble.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: So, as uncomfortable as this might be for some people, you have to learn how to openly communicate, no matter how hard it is.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: You have to discuss your fears, your insecurities.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: I, I discuss my insecurities with Amy all the time.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: I mean I do.
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: He does.
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: He's very open about it.
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: I'm like, look, he's very humble.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: I said, look, this is an area I feel a certain way about and I'm insecure about, and it is what it is Like, right, right, nothing.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: I mean that's just the way I feel.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: So obviously, recognize if you're taking in negative beliefs or it's really affecting your relationship.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: Challenge those negative beliefs.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Don't let those negative beliefs overtake you and just give in and say, oh, that's the way I am, you know.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: Really challenge those negative beliefs the next one I want to bring up is practice self-awareness and really recognizing where you're at, what your attachment style is and if you might be a little bit of cause of the problem, like me and nick had a little what's the word argument this weekend.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: It was.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: It was kind of silly, it was caused by me, but like there were multiple times that I said this was caused by me, but like there were multiple times that I said this was caused by me, I have this issue and instead of being like this is everything is always like, I definitely like tried to look back and be like okay, do I have pride?
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: Is it something that I need to fix?
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: Like, why is this bugging me?
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: I think the next one is literally like self-reflecting.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: Self-reflecting, like can I do better, can I be better, can I be more trusting, can I communicate better?
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: Like why is this impacting us negatively?
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: Is it something that I'm doing?
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: And we have a tendency that we always want to point the blame on someone else, and I think self-reflecting is really, really hard for a lot of people.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: It is really, really hard.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: For a lot of people it is really hard, but kind of like, several podcasts go where we simply state if you say, if you can just say you're sorry, I'm sorry it can't just be.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, though, like it's got to be meaningful, like when.
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: Nick says I'm sorry, you feel this way, like no, I really like that doesn't do much for me.
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: I need to know that you like heard me it has to be sincere.
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: I understand that it has to be like a sorry, like I'm not just sorry that I made you feel this way, like I'm really sorry for my action, like if it's really like, if you really internalize and self-reflect and be like you know, I did something stupid.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: That's what you need to apologize for.
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah Right.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: But, like we talked about before, even if you're not necessarily admitting that you did something wrong, it can be.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I don't quite understand how, why you feel the way you do.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: I really don't.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: But let's not let this get in between us, or you know.
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: I mean or or literally try to figure out why, yeah, exactly.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: Or empathize with the other person, right, yeah, exactly.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: Or empathize with the other person, right, and I think too it's important to you know get professional help if you feel like you need to get professional help.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's a lot better to kind of have that intermediary or that person you know helping as well too.
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: I think anyone that's like struggling at all in their marriage and just like to take it like I don't want to struggle, I just want our marriage to be awesome, go get some therapy for even just a few weeks, just to like get that third opinion like kind of help you fix that little thing.
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be like, oh, we need to start going to therapy month after month after month.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: Maybe you do, I don't know.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: But even the couples that are like one thing is holding them up from having ultimate intimacy, go get help with that one thing like I think we got to quit pushing like therapy on the back burner, right yeah like like we did, that was our big mistake, but be very careful about who you choose and who you're putting that trust right.
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: I mean that's yeah, we've talked about.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: So, so, as we're wrapping this thing up, it's so important to sit down and talk about these things together.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: I think, sitting down as a couple, talking about your attachment styles and maybe sharing experiences of you know how your childhood was, or recognizing maybe some of the reasons why you have this attachment style, and then really talking about how do we gel better, how do we communicate better, how do we become closer and work through these differences because of the way we're raised.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: And then, obviously, what are we doing as parents?
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: How are we parenting our kids and are we doing things that are going to cause them to have certain negative qualities or traits or attachment styles, maybe when they get older because of the way we're parenting?
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: And really think about that I mean, I know that's something Amy and I do all the time is talk about, okay, how are we parenting our kids and is the way we're parenting them going to cause, you know, future issues or future things?
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and we really think about that, I think often.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: I want my kids more than anything.
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: I love them so much.
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: I want them to go into relationships and have a secure attachment.
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: I want them to be able to trust I hope that they marry people, that they can feel that, but to be able to be open and vulnerable and trustworthy and all those things I want them to have that.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, and a lot of that stems down to your upbringing, it really does.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: So we'd encourage you to sit down as a couple, talk about these things together, and we really think it can help your overall marriage and intimacy.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: Now getting into the serious and important stuff the serious and important stuff We've got.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: Alright, we don't push stuff on you as listeners, as you know.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: Nor do we want to.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: Nor do we want to, but we've got a product that Amy and I have discovered.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: That has been amazing.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: It's been a game changer.
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: Let's just say we're sending it to our friends that we know have a struggling intimate life Because it's that good we're say we're sending it to our friends that we know have a struggling intimate life because it's that good we're handing these out like candy to our friends.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: But in all seriousness, in all seriousness if you are a spouse, if you are a wife that, just like Amy's expressed previously, that really has a hard time enjoying sexual intimacy, for whatever reason.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: This is a product that you need, so it's called the, the male vibrating ring um why don't?
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: you.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: Why don't you explain the reasons why it's such a good product and why you shouldn't live without it?
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: You, you can live without it, but your quality of life is going to be so much lower, so we're going to say you shouldn't live without it.
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: Quality of life or quality of your intimate life.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: Quality of life, everything Quality of life.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: Wow, nick's giving it like a real 10 stars here.
• 32:34
  Speaker 3: I'll just be flat out honest with you.
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: We used to talk about, you know, we tried a vibrator.
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: We used it together only.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: Which we loved.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: Which we loved and it's great.
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: But this thing's even better.
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: I'll tell you why.
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: It's only used together.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: A lot of women can only orgasm with clitoral stimulation, so penetration does nothing for a lot of wives, like 80% or more.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: So if your wife doesn't love being intimate, it might be because she either has a hard time having an orgasm, she doesn't love penetration, the foreplay takes too long, she's too tired to like get into a 45 minute deal where it's like, oh great, that felt good for the last 60 seconds.
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: Like I've been there, I've had that mindset.
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: This toy focuses on the clitoris.
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: It's not too much.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: It's not too much focus where it gets really sensitive and it can hurt.
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: It's like the perfect amount.
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: Has different speeds.
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: You use it together during penetration.
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: So it's awesome for him.
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: Doesn't really affect him Totally, affects her.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: Works like every forward position that there is, makes everyone better and it can help her enjoy intimate time the entire time instead of just orgasm.
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: So like the foreplay, the build-up, the whole time can feel better for her because it's focusing on the clitoris and it saves the man having to do anything manual or himself to help her out.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: It's just it's hands-free well that's why it's amazing and I'm like, I'm serious, like the reviews and things that we're getting back on it are phenomenal.
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: Like people are like this thing's amazing we've sold out three times.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was just gonna say we just ordered a u-haul size because we sell out so quickly.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: Maybe not that big, maybe not a U-Haul, maybe a Ford Festiva, but anyways, our point is we just have a ton of inventory back in.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: We will sell out eventually and get more, but this is a product you absolutely want.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: Go check it out.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: If you're listening to this podcast episode, go use the promo code UI app and we'll give you a 10% off and free shipping.
• 34:51
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you, the reviews are amazing, from husbands and wives and our friends.
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it is.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: Seriously, it's an amazing product.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: Go check it out.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: Shopultimateintimacycom.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: use the promo code ui app for 10 off you can also buy it in a bundle and you get the ring and a soft lubricant and the fun little scratch card kit correct so check it out so we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time we'll each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.