Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 221. What Every Mom Needs: Parenting Teens & Adult Kids at the Same Time with Courtney Doyle

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221. What Every Mom Needs: Parenting Teens & Adult Kids at the Same Time with Courtney Doyle · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Christian parenting.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkhamen, certified emptiness coach and your listening to the mid-life Mama podcast.
• 0:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: This show is for Christian moms navigating the emptiness, learning how to let go with grace, set healthy boundaries, reconnected marriage, and step confidently into their God-given purpose.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Each week I'll coach you through this season with faith-filled encouragement, on his conversations and practical tools that you can apply right away,
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: to your relationships and your life.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: If this episode encourages you, I'd be grateful if you leave a quick rating and review.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: It helps other moms find the support they need.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: You'll find the link in the show notes.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: And make sure you're following the podcast.
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And let's get started.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: We're continuing in our May series, what every mom needs, the emptiness and beyond, and we're talking to a special group of moms.
• 0:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: The mom who has adult kids and teens.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: What do you do when your nest isn't fully empty, but it's not quite full either?
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: When you're still parenting kids at home or learning how to relate to the ones who've launched, it can feel like you're living in two completely different worlds at once.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Today, I've invited the delightful Courtney Doyle, host of the mom show where she helps moms find peace in the chaos of motherhood.
• 1:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: And in this conversation, we talk about the unique tension of raising teens.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: while releasing adult children into independence.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: From shifting expectations to communication challenges, this episode will help you lead your family with wisdom and peace no matter how many kids are still under your roof.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome Courtney.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's so fun to be here with you.
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just adore you.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Let me tell you a little bit about Courtney before we dive in.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Courtney lives in Texas with her hubby and six almost grown kids with one teen at home and she has a miniaturie of animals on her acreage in Texas and is one of my favorite follows on Instagram stories.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: She's a hoot.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: I just adore her.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Courtney, please tell my listeners what you're up to these days.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my goodness.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do have six children and 25 animals to be exact.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love my animals.
• 2:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love my children, but my animals don't talk back, which is fantastic sometimes.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, I live on our little hobby farm, and I do have my podcast, The Mom Show.
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I spend a lot of time doing that.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm currently writing a Bible study, and so that's what I do on the ministry side of things.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Always mentoring some mom or another or a group of moms on this world of mom and the chaos from moms who have little to moms who have teenagers maybe a mom who's got a child that is a prodigal and how to handle that.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like we've walked lots of different roads.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we do that.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And my Instagram is typically me decorating something because that is where I find extreme joy and great peace.
• 3:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love to walk into an antique store and find some trinket, some piece of furniture that is just screaming, bring me home and bring me back to life.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so recently we just remodeled our kitchen.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I've been taking the followers along.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: on that process as well.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, that's what I do on the daily, that's what I do on the daily, a little bit of everything.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 3:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Courtney, let's dive in.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to know what makes this in between season parenting teens and adult kids at the same time, so uniquely challenging for moms.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Gosh, I think that one of the things that is challenging for me is that it's a different world.
• 3:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's so different right now.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have a 14-year-old still at home and our oldest is 33.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I look at those 20 and up kiddos and how I parented them, because the world has changed so much, those tools that you put in your tool belt,
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: as you parent and as you learn really my tools are shifting so quickly because what I did with an older kiddo that did not have social media did not have the internet the way that they do today did not have cell phones what I did with him does not work with the 14 year old.
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that is a challenge because I am like oh we are on our way into this emptiness world and
• 4:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You feel like I can just ride the wave and get this last kid out, right?
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because I've done it five times, and the world is saying, hold on sister, you need to learn some new technology, you need to learn more passwords, God forbid, the passwords that I need, and the lockdown ability.
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You need a college degree to know how to lock down an iPhone.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: and protect your child from all of the scary things that are out there now, and so it's just a different world that I'm raising him in, and so where I thought we'll just slide through with number six, the world is saying, oh no, you need to be on it and really on it.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, that is the challenge because I've done it so many times and it doesn't look the same.
• 5:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: The joy of having the older kids is that they are on it.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they are living and growing up in that.
• 5:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they are so in tune and quick to understand those things that I can really lean on them now and say, hey, there's a new social media site.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know how to navigate it and they're like, we've got you mom and so awesome.
• 5:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: The pros and the cons for number six are that it's probably just, yeah, it's a pro-anicon is that you have older siblings
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: But hey, buddy, you have older siblings that are watching as well and so sometimes they catch things faster than I do and I don't really ever tell him who rotted him out and I don't think he'll listen to this podcast, but
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They'll write him out, I need that.
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I appreciate that.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're not trying to be ugly.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're protecting him.
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're protecting him from the evil in this world because they love and adore him.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really thought number six was gonna be like a new puppy when he came around.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: because you get a new puppy and everybody wants to feed the puppy and play with the puppy.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then all of a sudden it's me, the puppy's work, and we're over it.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: He never faced out of being the cute new puppy.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They still all very much adore him and protect him.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: As he the annoying little brother, absolutely, but at the same time.
• 6:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Their buddies, he can hang with those big kids like their best friends, and that's a really cool thing to see as well.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is beautiful.
• 6:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he's got lots of moms and dads.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: He does.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: He does.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: He has lots of moms and dads.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And here's what's funny, Pamela, is I have moms and dads now too.
• 6:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because now, as the kids have gotten older and I don't know if your kids do this, they want to parent me.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's so terrible.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's so cute, it's so cute.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes they want to tell me how to parent him.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I don't think I did so bad with the five of you, and I appreciate that advice.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Pricing to be all right.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay that he's doing that mother.
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You wouldn't have had never let us.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Huh?
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're just tell us, like, he's number six.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's the baby, and it is a different, it's just different.
• 7:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: My middle four were born in five years.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So parenting that group of kids was drastically different than parenting, really one kid.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was just like different.
• 7:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: So things that I maybe didn't allow them to do because they was four of them, it's one of him.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a little different when he comes down and grabs a snack at 10 o'clock.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But they're like, what you're letting him eat?
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I can care less when it was four of y'all coming down now.
• 8:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And one of y'all was reacted to sugar more than the other.
• 8:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was a different world.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so they're precious.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think so too.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: With our five, I was like, I'm just tired.
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: Franklin.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And she was so independent and so capable, so interesting, so I've had as a mom begin to shift her role from hands on parenting with the younger kids to a more relational role with her adult children without feeling like she's doing one of them wrong.
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: How are you balancing that?
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Gosh, it's hard because sometimes I do catch myself because the role that has shifted with the older kids and I do have to catch myself and remind myself you are not in that role with the 14 year old.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's not your friend.
• 8:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's still very much needs your guidance.
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so sometimes I have to remind myself and if my husband was on this call, he would say the same thing.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes I have to remind him, oh,
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: by the way, we still have a 14-year-old at home, like we still have to do this different.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And with the older kids, sometimes I have to remember, I'm not parenting them anymore.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do have to let them live and let them make their own choices and not always give my opinion, which is hard for somebody as Malvie S. Me.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: To share my opinions, don't you want them?
• 9:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're like, no mom, sometimes I don't.
• 9:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, biting my tongue with the older kids and letting them figure it out, sometimes can be hard, and it can be painful, because sometimes they may be making decisions that you're thinking, gosh, that may not be the best choice for you, but really sitting back and saying, you know what, God,
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: you've got them.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I trust that you will shed light on this, and I don't have to always be the light bearer for this.
• 9:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm not retired from being their mom.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: My role has shifted in being their mom.
• 9:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when it comes to the 14 year old, I really look at it like I am still on active duty.
• 10:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are still in the trenches.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are still working.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are still checking homework, making sure, you know, that he's turned in his phone at night and all of those things.
• 10:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so it's just a little bit of a balance, a teeter taught her, I say, in this minute, I'm this role and in this minute, I'm that role.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it can get exhausting.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's when I think about five years left of active duty with him, it just blows my mind.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our fifth kid I was graduating from college and last night, I just looked at my husband and I was like, how is that possible?
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was just
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: in the same phase that number six is in we were just getting into high school and as it's like you hit high school and it is a torpedo you were being shot out of a rocket and before you know it they're done and it's over where did the time gap?
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Where did the time go?
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, that's whole exciting.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I remember the day that our fifth child graduated from college and I was like
• 11:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow, it's just like mind-blowings.
• 11:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: I can't imagine being in that place and yet still having a 14 year old.
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's a it's just like the tension of those two things must be just difficult.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: So how about how do you navigate having different expectations or rules for a 14 year old versus
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: the kids who are living independently or when they come back home because I know you've had some bounce back, right?
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: We did.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: We did.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this past summer, each one of our kids was in some sort of transition, whether it was a transition moving, it was a transition in life, whatever it may be.
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And Pamela, I had all six at home.
• 11:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: That was something to witness.
• 11:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what I did settle into though is that it was not lost on me, what a sacred, blessed moment that God had given us as a family.
• 12:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: There has been some difficulties in our family, and we have had some astrangement.
• 12:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so to see that particular sibling come home and live under the same roof and the healing that needed to happen amongst siblings.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: that was forced because we were all under the same roof.
• 12:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: It opened conversations.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: It opened late night opportunities for hey, let's go get an ice cream or a hey, we're going to binge watch something.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I was sitting on the sidelines.
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: My husband and I watching and really saying, this is crazy to have this many adults in one home.
• 12:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: who have lived on their own.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they have their own rhythm.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: They do laundry their own way, which is not the way I taught them, by the way.
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, what?
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just a possible.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Rita, dry, colored shirts, but whenever.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: setback Satan, but they do.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if they're paying for our debt to their business, that's a whole other thing.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like the cups and the dishes, and they have their own rhythm now.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have their own snacks that they like, and it's not maybe the ones that everybody else likes.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: But sitting back and watching that and watching how God used that moment to heal relationships, to strengthen relationships with so beautiful, and it wasn't lost on me that this was a finite amount of time.
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I needed to soak it in,
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: and really enjoy it for everything that it was now.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Some of them have gone on their separate ways, and a few of the big kids are still here, they're still in transition, and there is a balance there of this is still our home.
• 13:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: and there are still rules to be followed in our home and there are expectations in our home.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we are happy to howl you and to support you and to lift you to the next phase of life.
• 13:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: But because there is a 14-year-old here,
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: the rules still apply, which is we need to honor a curfew.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can't just be coming in and out as we please.
• 14:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We need to honor what we watch on TV that we would not let him watch.
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't just have free reign of the living or TV and a show that I do not want him seeing those kinds of things.
• 14:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they've been really good about respecting that.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: If they weren't, they would be asked to
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: But in so far, everybody's been very respectful of the boundaries and the rules that we have in place and that we have had in place in our home from the beginning of time, the beginning of children.
• 14:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's been really good to see what I have to often do though is remind Hamilton you are not their age.
• 14:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because he is the one that gets into how come he can, he forgets he's 14.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they sometimes forget he's 14.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if he's doing things that 14-year-olds do by being annoying or sleeping all day or whatever, they're real quick to be like, he shouldn't be, and I have to gently say, hey, you know what?
• 14:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think I've got this.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to mom him, I need you to be his sibling.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't need you to be his parent.
• 15:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like most of the time I'm refereeing, the two groups reminding them they're roll.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are his sibling.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are his trusted confinant when he can't come to me.
• 15:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need him to trust that he can go to you.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then reminding him, hey, you're not 23.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: you're not to a D6, you are a child, and let's just remember that.
• 15:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's just this refereeing and reminding people of the roles that they actually in the seasons that they're in right now.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is so good.
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: Have you ever noticed how fast you change into comfy clothes the second you get home?
• 15:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because same, lately I've been reaching for my cozy earth jogger set all the time.
• 15:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's buttery soft, and I even wore it on the six-hour car trip to my mom's because hello comfort is everything.
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: But honestly, I wear it way beyond lounging, evenings at home, weekend errands, you name it.
• 15:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: at a little silver jewelry and I actually feel cute and put together.
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: And here's something I love.
• 16:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Cozy earth products come with a 10-year warranty and they actually get softer the more you wear them.
• 16:10
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• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's m-o-m-m-a because apparently I spell it weird.
• 16:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you get the post-purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth on the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 16:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Remember, comfort lives here.
• 16:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'll leave the discount code in the show notes.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: What I hear you saying is you've just had clear boundaries and I think that is so beautiful and what I love, that you acknowledge that there's tension in families.
• 16:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's not one family.
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's not one family, because I think mom's think, oh, every other family's doing fine, but they're well, they're not.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're not.
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: We're on the same boat.
• 16:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we're all just saying boat, but the Lord will provide opportunities for healing, for restoration, for meaningful conversations, as long as you, you always make a whole.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's our job.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: Our kids are welcome.
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't want them living here and staying here forever.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: No, but in a transition, that's fine.
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I love that you've just had clear boundaries and this understanding, who's who and what your role is huge and finally what makes it successful for your family and it can be that way for any family.
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: and being not getting in the middle.
• 17:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's especially my girls are more apt to do this because they're very close in age and the three of us are very, we're very close and we do a lot of things together.
• 17:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: But they will maybe have a disagreement between the two of them.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I always know when it's happening because I'll get a saucy text from one and then we're in a group text So typically when the girls are talking even if it's just me talking to one girl It's all happening inside of the group text and one may not even be involved in the conversation But it all happens in the group text when they start texting me individually.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, uh-oh Well, of
• 18:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Somebody made somebody mad and then all of a sudden I may get a text if I can't believe she and then I sometimes I can count it like how many seconds is it gonna take before kiddo number two this turn number two is yes What and I just laugh and I'm just like girls.
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love you both equally
• 18:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: But what I will not do is get in the middle of this.
• 18:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, work yourself.
• 18:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, this needs to be worked out between the two of you.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's funny because with adult children, they are all uniquely and individually their own person.
• 18:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just because their siblings does not mean that they see eye to eye.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wonder if they were not siblings would they choose to be friends with each other?
• 18:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe not, because they have different personalities.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: One who's very type A and is going to do things by the book and the others, break, we'll get to that.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm more laid back.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: They may not necessarily be each other's cup of tea and guess what, that's okay.
• 19:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Inside this home, though, we love each other, we respect each other, we show up for each other and that's the difference.
• 19:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even if they don't always see eye to eye, I can say with 100% confidence that if any of those children needed another one, they would move mountains to be there for one another.
• 19:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like you can call me anytime of the day or night and even though we may have been arguing five minutes ago, I'm showing up for you.
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I will go to the end of the world for you.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is where I see the love
• 19:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'd either, they're not on the same page with different things.
• 19:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's fun to watch how much they do genuinely.
• 19:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Love each other and care about each other and want what's best for each other.
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's beautiful.
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: What does healthy communication look like when you're talking to a teenager one minute into an adult child the next?
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: How do we adjust our tone or our approach?
• 20:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Gosh, healthy communication with my teenager is right now, almost non-existent, he's a 14-year-old, knocking on 15-year-old boy.
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes the best communication I can get out of him is, yeah, you're good, yeah, you need anything, I love you, and he's like me, I love you too, bro.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: So healthy communication for him is really not so much about what I'm saying.
• 20:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's more about being present.
• 20:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's about finding moments that it may encourage him to talk and being available when he decides to talk, which is always at the most inconvenient time.
• 20:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's always at one AM.
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Always.
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's always.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And letting him talk about things that I maybe just don't even understand.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: He will talk about a video game and I'm like,
• 20:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have a clue of what you're talking about, but even if I'm not interested going ahead and engaging in that conversation about a video game may lead to then me being able to ask questions like how that friendship at school going or what if this class or whatever it may be.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do you need for me?
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: When there is any kind of struggle in the home or like when we deal with our sons' astrangement, I am very open and honest.
• 21:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't keep secrets from my children, and so I will then ask questions like, what do you need for me?
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I help you process this?
• 21:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm very open to, do I need to find somebody else that you would be more comfortable talking to about this?
• 21:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I think keeping that open for him at all times.
• 21:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can tell me anything or leading him to a sibling.
• 21:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can always talk to them.
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he feels very safe with his siblings in doing so.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then with the big kids,
• 21:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a whole lot of listening as well.
• 21:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a whole lot of, okay, I'm not going to inject my opinion in this.
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just going to listen.
• 21:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you ask me for advice, I'm going to tell you, hey, this is how I did it.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you have to do what's right for you.
• 22:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: What feels right for you?
• 22:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And really, sometimes with
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: without any reaction.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And saying things like, gosh, I hate that for you.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And leaving it.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're bored, that must be hard.
• 22:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: That must be so hard.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or I feel like you're smart and you're wise and you will figure this out.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or this one, which I know sometimes they're like,
• 22:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: But sometimes when I say, have you prayed about it?
• 22:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're a comment maybe, yes, I have or no.
• 22:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Pray about it.
• 22:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: See, which I'll walk you through that.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll dissect that with you a little bit.
• 22:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you think that the Lord's leading you in one direction and let's walk through it that way, because I want them to have their own direction, I can't be there in cyclopedia, I can't answer everything for them.
• 23:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes it feels like I am.
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: and look, and I'm not doing it perfect.
• 23:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes I'm like, hold, please, let me open the Encyclopedia of Mom, and I will give you all of my advice.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, reminding myself that listening goes a long way.
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Goes a long way.
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's beautiful.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: In both age groups.
• 23:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Courtney, if there's a mom listening right now who feels stretched then, trying to show up while for the kids to let home, while staying connected to the ones who've launched, what would you want her to remember today?
• 23:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh gosh, I'd wanted to remember that it's kind of moved so fast.
• 23:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is going to move so fast.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: The tension that you feel right now is not going to be a tension that you feel forever and really try to prioritize and compartmentalize.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: your role in in what's happening.
• 23:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that even goes to your marriage.
• 23:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I do try to compartmentalize things.
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: My marriage is first and foremost.
• 24:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the healthiest thing I can do for both sets of kids is make sure that my communication in my marriage is strong and we are united front.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then compartmentalize, okay, this is what I have to do to tend to my adult children.
• 24:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do they need for me and how can I best support them?
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I show up the best way possible for them?
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then, all right, now I'm going to shift to active duty, which is going to be a lot more hands on.
• 24:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is still me sitting in carpool lines.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is me checking homework.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: checking grades, talking to teachers, did you get that project done?
• 24:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so what do I need to do to serve that role as well?
• 24:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I do that, it doesn't feel as overwhelming.
• 24:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because some days I wake up to 24 text messages and emails and it's from teachers and it's from kids who've ever problem and it has been, and that's a lot of people.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so really just starting to chip away at what can I do today and and what needs to be done and then and then moving through it that way because the tension does not it doesn't last everything's a season and everything has finite times and really knowing that and then at the end of the day when I know without a doubt which is all the time that I am not capable of doing it all.
• 25:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: really leaning into the Lord and saying, okay, God, where do I need to show up?
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Where can you fill in the gap for me because I can't be enough only you or enough?
• 25:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I need you to be enough today in their lives and just show me where I can support you and being their father.
• 25:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do I show up to support you in the work that you're doing in their lives best?
• 25:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's beautiful.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Friend, if you're living in that in-between space where part of your heart is still actively parenting at home in another part of the look, learning to release and relate to your adult kids, you're not doing it wrong.
• 25:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: This season requires a different kind of wisdom and a different kind of grace and the good news is, like Courtney said, God is right in the middle of it with you.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Here's your coaching tip for the week.
• 26:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 26:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Remember, you can't change everything,
• 26:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want you, for a moment, think about what Courtney said about her family and just creating this environment where you can be honest, where you can support each other even through the difficult.
• 26:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Ask yourself, what am I doing to encourage that in my home, in my relationships with the kids, with each other, with the whole family, and just pray on that and see what God reveals.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Remember this.
• 26:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: You don't have to have all the answers.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: You don't have to navigate every relationship perfectly.
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: You just have to stay anchored to him and take the next right step in love.
• 26:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: If this episode encourages you, would you take a moment to share it with a friend who's in the same season?
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Grace and Peace Mama, you've got this and God's got you.
• 26:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 27:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you, helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 27:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 27:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity, process emotions, and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes, and let's stay connected.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can find me on Instagram at P-Hinklman, that's P-H-E-M-K-E-L-M-A-N, or on Facebook at Pamela Hinklman, Emptinessed Coach.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: You don't have to figure out the season alone mama support and direction are possible and I'm here when you're ready