Latest / Career Coaching with Fexingo: Professional Coaches, Career Counselors, and Guidance for Workers / How to Rehearse a Difficult Career Conversation
Transcript
- Lucas: So, Luna, I keep thinking about this one moment from a career coaching session I sat in on last month. A project manager, mid-level, great at her job, was describing the knot in her stomach every time she even thought about telling her boss she couldn't take on another initiative. Luna: Yeah, that's a classic. The ask that feels too big or the boundary that feels too scary. Lucas: Exactly. And she said she'd drafted the email a dozen times, but never sent it. Then she finally got the courage to request a one-on-one, and in the meeting, she froze. Her boss asked a simple follow-up question and she just... folded. Said yes to everything. Luna: Ouch. That's the worst feeling. You walk out and immediately replay every word. Lucas: Right. And the reason she froze isn't because she didn't know what she wanted to say. She had it in her head. The problem was she'd never practiced saying it out loud. She'd never rehearsed the conversation. So when her boss came back with an unexpected angle, she had no muscle memory to fall back on. Luna: So the fix is to rehearse, but not like you're memorizing a script, right? Because conversations are unpredictable. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the nuance I want to dig into today. Because there's a difference between rehearsing something word for word and rehearsing for the dynamic reality of the conversation. The former makes you sound robotic. The latter gives you the freedom to be present. Luna: Okay, so walk me through what that actually looks like in practice. Lucas: So there's a framework I like, and it's got three steps. The first step is drafting. And this is about getting the core message out of your head and onto paper. Not a script, but a single sentence that captures your position. For the project manager, that was something like, 'I can take on one of these two initiatives, but not both, because my current workload is already at capacity.' Luna: That's a clear ask. It's not defensive, it's just a fact. Lucas: And that's the anchor. Then step two is simulation. You actually say that core message out loud, ideally to another person — a friend, a partner, a colleague you trust. And here's the key: you don't just recite it. You let them ask you the tough questions. What if your boss says this is a priority from the top? What if they say everyone's busy? You have to practice responding to those. Luna: So it's like a role-play, but with the person pushing back. Lucas: Exactly. And the third step is what I call the pre-mortem. You imagine the conversation going badly. Not to dwell on it, but to identify your triggers and prepare your responses in advance. So if the boss gets dismissive, what's your line? Or if you start to feel your heart racing, what's your go-to phrase to buy yourself a moment? Something like, 'I want to make sure I give you a thoughtful answer, let me think about that for a second.' Luna: That's a great pause tactic. It gives you a second to collect your thoughts without looking weak. Lucas: Right. And here's the thing that really changes the game: record yourself. I know, nobody likes hearing their own voice, but it's the fastest way to catch your own verbal tics, your filler words, and your tone. Because tone matters so much in these conversations. You can say the exact right words with a slightly apologetic tone, and you've undermined your own message. Luna: I've definitely done that. I've said 'I'm sorry, but can I push back on that?' and the 'sorry' just weakens everything. Lucas: That's a perfect example. And that's why recording works. You hear it and you think, oh, I'm doing the thing I hate. Then you can fix it. Luna: So what did the project manager end up doing? Did she rehearse and have the conversation? Lucas: She did. She took a week, went through the three steps, and she had the conversation. And the outcome wasn't perfect — her boss pushed back initially — but she held her ground. She used the pause tactic, she reiterated her core message, and they ended up agreeing on a compromise: she'd take one initiative, and they'd defer the other to the next quarter. Luna: That's a win. And it's realistic. It wasn't a total 'no', but it was a better outcome than the silent yes she would have given before. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the thing about rehearsal. It doesn't guarantee the conversation goes your way, but it guarantees you show up as the version of yourself that's prepared, that's articulate, that's not flustered. And that's half the battle. Luna: So the rehearsal is really about building confidence, not just practicing lines. Lucas: Exactly. And I think that's where the show fits in, too. I mean, we're not running ads on this show, which means we can talk about this stuff without some sponsor telling us to take a breath and buy their app. If listening to these conversations has helped you think through a career move or decision, and you want to keep that going without the ad break, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a small way to keep the episodes coming. Luna: Yeah, I love that we can keep this pure. And it's a nice way to say thanks if this is adding value. Lucas: So back to rehearsal. The pre-mortem step is actually my favorite because it's so counterintuitive. Most of us avoid thinking about the conversation failing because we're already anxious. But by imagining the worst-case scenario, you take away its power. You've already been there in your head, so you can respond from a place of calm, not panic. Luna: So what are some common failure modes you see in these conversations? Like, what's the version that usually plays out? Lucas: The most common one is the emotional hijack. The other person says something that triggers you, and you either go numb or you get defensive. And both are bad. The rehearsal helps you recognize those triggers ahead of time, so you can choose a different reaction. Luna: Another one is probably the 'I didn't get to my point' failure. You walk out and realize you never actually said the core message. Lucas: That's huge. And that's why your anchor sentence is so crucial. If you get off track, you can always come back to it. I always tell people to keep it on a sticky note or in your phone — not to read from it, but just to glance at it if you need a reminder. Luna: So, practically, how long should you rehearse? Like, is a one-time run-through enough? Lucas: I'd say do at least three sessions. One to draft and get comfortable with your core message. Another to simulate with a partner, and a third to do the pre-mortem and refine. And then, if you can, record yourself in the final session. The key is to not overdo it to the point where you sound rehearsed. You want to be prepared, not robotic. Luna: That makes sense. So what about the person you're practicing with? Is there a specific way they should push back to make it realistic? Lucas: Yeah, so a good practice partner will challenge you. They shouldn't just nod along. They should ask the hard questions, the ones you're most afraid of hearing. And they should also practice being a little dismissive, because that's the other common thing that happens — the other person just doesn't take you seriously at first. Luna: And you have to practice holding your ground without getting defensive. Lucas: Exactly. And one more thing: don't neglect the logistics. If you're having this conversation virtually, practice with the camera on, because it's a different dynamic. If it's in person, think about where you'll sit. These little details matter more than you think. Luna: So if I'm a listener and I have a difficult conversation coming up, what's the one thing I should do today? Lucas: Schedule a rehearsal session within the next 48 hours. Block off thirty minutes, write your core message, and practice saying it out loud. Even if it's just to yourself in the mirror, the act of speaking it changes everything. Then, if you can, find a practice partner for the simulation step. Luna: And I'd add: record yourself, even if it's just a voice memo. You'll cringe, but you'll learn so much. Lucas: Absolutely. And I think that's the distinction — rehearsal isn't about removing the nerves, it's about making sure the nerves don't control you. It's about having a plan, so that when the moment comes, you can be fully present and have the conversation, not just survive it. Luna: That's a great note to end on. So, next time you have a tough conversation, don't just hope it goes well. Rehearse it.