Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / PART 2 Becoming Whole - Navigating the Storm with Sharon Gladney

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PART 2 Becoming Whole - Navigating the Storm with Sharon Gladney · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

0:16
This episode contains discussion of emotional and psychological
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abuse, as well as reference to sexual acts which may be
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triggering or difficult for listeners.
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The content shared reflects the lived experiences of our guest
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and is intended for educational and awareness purposes only.
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Listener discretion is advised. If you are currently
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experiencing abuse or need support, please reach out to a
0:41
trusted professional therapist, counselor, or call the National
0:46
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential
0:53
assistance. Yeah, the whole day he didn't.
0:57
He came, I heard him come and sneak, not sneak, but he it came
1:00
quietly into the room at like 3 in the morning.
1:03
It's probably a sneak that's appropriate for 3:00 AM.
1:06
Well, I think it just came from he spent the day with them and
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then time with her at night and then just comes to me at 3:00 AM
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and so I'm quiet. I didn't say nothing.
1:15
I was just laying there because I didn't have the strength to.
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I still was couldn't get the visual of my mother and her
1:24
casket out of my head. I don't want to talk about
1:27
anything else. I don't want to talk about it.
1:30
You know, in the indigo, all of my children have been natural
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births. So I just, you know, I have no
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medication. So I just finished pushing out a
1:38
baby natural and I'm breastfeeding and I'm tired.
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So I didn't have anything that to talk about.
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And so she ended up going back home and I went home and, you
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know, win some weeks with the same thing of, you know, he will
2:00
go sit outside on the patio and be talking to her and it's this
2:03
and that. So pretty much she's trying to
2:05
have a Poly relationship. So he's being with his wife, but
2:08
he's still talking to and trying to wheel in this woman to be the
2:11
second. Like building again.
2:13
I'm mostly all connected. Like he's over there falling in
2:16
love. Absolutely.
2:17
And so a very significant thing that stood out for me, you know,
2:23
after six weeks, you start engaging in sex again and things
2:26
of that nature. So after I heal up, we're me and
2:31
him are intimate and I remember I will not forget the smell.
2:40
I ended up getting the symptoms of a bacterial infection and it
2:47
was horrible. I went to the doctor and the
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doctor's like, well, you just had a baby.
2:51
Have you and your partner had any other partners?
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And I just told her. I said, well, he did.
2:57
I just said it. I feel like just ma'am, give me
3:01
my medicine, 'cause I already know where this is from, right?
3:04
And so I had to get on medication for seven days and I
3:09
went home after talk after seeing the doctor and I was
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holding my baby. She was just a few weeks and my
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son, who had to be maybe 9 or 10 at the time, he came and sat
3:23
next to me and was looking at the baby.
3:25
And then he said, mommy, what's that smell?
3:27
And I just started bawling, crying, falling, crying.
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There are no words for. And I just had it.
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He was like, what's wrong? What's wrong, What's wrong?
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And I just said, mommy, just need some mommy going, You know,
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I closed the door and I just healed my baby.
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And I just rocked and cried because I knew that I was in a
3:44
mess. I was in a mess.
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My body is affected. I just had a baby and I'm
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intimate with him one time and get a horrifying bacterial
3:56
infection. Mm hmm.
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It was sorry. This is when I'm getting to the
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point of this is I knew something deeper was going on.
4:03
Mm Hmm. Even though I could not define
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it at the time, there was something deeper going on than
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just I don't want it in my marriage.
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There was something missing because it doesn't make sense at
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this point. It's like, girl, just leave.
4:21
I spend the next couple of years in depression, but I'm
4:29
operating. I'm functional.
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Lot of people are functioning with anxiety, functioning with
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depression, functioning with PTSD, functioning with all these
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things. Oh, yeah, yeah.
4:40
I didn't know that was coming. But I, I, and I didn't realize
4:43
it at the time, but he did. And there was a couple times he
4:47
mentioned, well, maybe going to therapy because after that
4:49
situation ended where I was like, I'm done.
4:52
It's going to be me or her, you know, I because I don't want it.
4:56
I don't want it. I'm not doing it.
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And he let it go. For as much as I know that that
5:02
door closed, it's. Interesting he was talking about
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therapy, not really and truly for you, but so that he could
5:09
keep things the way he wanted them.
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It was, it was, it was a lot of cruelty, a lot of cruelty in
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that. And I saw it amongst, you know,
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I saw it amongst situations with other women as well, like even
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in that. Cruelty.
5:24
Yeah. You know, even in that
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situation, he ended it like, you know, and he could tell and I,
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she didn't really want Polly. She wanted what our relationship
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was. So her hopes was that me and him
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would end up ending and then that she would have the
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relationship with him. And so finally she came out and
5:44
confessed that and then he ended the relationship.
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But I'm like I told you this months ago that this woman does
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not want to be Polly. She just saw us on social media
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and she wants what it appears that we have.
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So talk to me about this social media for her to see y'all.
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At the time, I was doing solistic Wellness healing and so
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I would have different posts and different things of that nature.
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But he this was a huge part and I'm glad you asked that question
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because I forgot to mention it because it was a huge argument
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all the time. He posts a lot on solar, I mean
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on social media, specifically on Facebook and he talks about a
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lot of different things. I don't know now, but I know
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just during the marriage it was like this with social media, me
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and him button heads. I liked privacy For him,
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everything had to be on social media.
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Every disagreement, even if he didn't say it was us, he would
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do a subliminal. He would have conversations.
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Sometimes he would flat out. People knew when we were into
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it, when we wasn't into it. He was flirting on there.
6:57
He was in There were times that things did hit the fan where was
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like, I can't deal with your social media.
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And I told him it's an addiction.
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Like you have an addiction to validation.
7:09
Yes, and attention, but that's tell him something about him
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internally. Yes, it was really, really hard
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and this is what what fed it. And so he will also do a lot of
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posts that would get attention from women.
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So it would be intentional kind of thirst things even with him
7:26
being married and things that I found to be very inappropriate.
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I mean, so when I say really inappropriate, I mean like
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inappropriate, you know, people see everybody got their
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different ways of what they feel is inappropriate.
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And I may be a little more serious, but, you know, be
7:40
different post about how to eat a girl, right?
7:44
Yeah. Or as a married man to your
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business. Yes, or.
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Wife have a practice that's dedicated to like like say you
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were like a sex therapist and he was certified in something, but
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he's just doing this not it's inappropriate.
8:04
Yeah. And so that was one of the
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things is that, you know, we're married.
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These are things that bring people to your, you know, DM or
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you know the. Type of people he wanted to
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call. They knew he was married and
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they would peak their curiosity. It's all temptation.
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He was dangling debate, so he already knows.
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By the time they end up in his inbox, they're already finding
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ready. You know what they came for.
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Yes, yes. And so, and I was, I received
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warnings from people of, you know, you're letting him connect
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with your business, but you do know everything he's doing is to
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attract women. And it was obvious.
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It was obvious. I saw it, but yes, social media
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was a huge deal in our household.
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In a constant argument. He couldn't take a break from it
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and only one time did I get him to confess that he had a
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problem. It's not a social media that's a
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problem. We had a sex addiction it sounds
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like. Well, for sure now that is for
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sure. Unresolved trauma of his own.
9:06
Yeah, that was for sure. But it was like the first time
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that he ever said I have a problem with social media.
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And he actually used the words like, I am addicted to likes.
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And I'm like, I'm glad that you see it.
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But he still just could barely ever take a break.
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Anything that we went through, everybody had to know it.
9:28
He would talk about me in a negative manner at times if we
9:31
were into it. There was no privacy.
9:34
Yeah, none. That plays a big part of why I'm
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so private now. And I enjoy it so much.
9:40
I, oh, I, I enjoy my privacy so much.
9:44
But so. Yeah.
9:47
So then this just get that we're getting to how divorce actually
9:51
came around and how healing came around.
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OK, so he decided when our youngest got around 5:00 or so
10:00
that he was unhappy. And he was saying, you never,
10:04
you know, bring up sex. You know, I told you to go to
10:08
therapy, this, this and that. He was like.
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To go to therapy, not I'm going to stop doing things to
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promatize me. OK, just yeah.
10:19
And he did tell me, he said. I know that that whole Poly
10:22
stuff was a lot. So, you know, if we're going to
10:27
move forward, we got to move forward.
10:30
And so he wanted to separate, but in the same house, so he
10:35
moved upstairs, correct. We're in Texas this most well, I
10:39
moved here in 2011. OK, so in Texas, in order to
10:44
prepare for divorce, how long does a couple need to separate
10:47
his sleeping in separate bedrooms before they can like
10:50
petition for divorce? Well, you can petition for
10:52
divorce immediately. Oh, OK, Stay there.
10:55
So like Maryland, you have to be like separated for like 6
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months. It usually be a year before
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COVID. Like they have these windows
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where you have to show that there has been a separation.
11:07
Not sharing the same mayor a little bit, OK.
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You can file, you can just go downtown, file for divorce and
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be divorced 60 days later. What?
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OK, Yeah, if, if, if you're not fighting over anything, right?
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If you're fighting or something, if you're not, you can have a
11:22
court day 60 days later and be done.
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So expedited. And so thinking you want to move
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upstairs, you know, this is odd to me.
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And so that season, it ended up being over four months was a
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very, it was another level of trauma when you have somebody in
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the house ignoring you. He completely ignored you too.
11:48
He would say hi and bye here and there, but most of the part time
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he would be gone. Sometimes he wouldn't come home.
11:54
What was his? Yeah, sometimes he wouldn't come
11:56
home at night at all. Yeah, or he would come home at
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like 3:00 in the morning. He just, he moved upstairs and
12:02
acted like he was a single man. Right.
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But so then what is time with the kids and relationships with
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the kids look like it throughout this, really.
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I mean, that's what I told him was unhealthy, you know, because
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he would still come home and play with the kids or talk to
12:17
the kids or just basically everything's normal except I'm
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going to act like you don't exist, which is definitely a
12:25
form of emotional abuse. Oh.
12:27
My like, what was he thought to? Well, we're about to get there
12:30
right now. So I say, you know what, I'm
12:36
going to go ahead. In the last straw.
12:38
I look for a therapist, but it's going to be marriage therapy and
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this is going to be my last try and this is not.
12:45
So I was working, I had good insurance to cover that, picked
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out a person, they did it virtual, we're both on, we go to
12:54
one or two sessions. But I let, I noticed that I can
12:58
tell when he's talking to another woman.
13:00
And I knew that him wanting to go upstairs played a part in
13:04
that process. Yeah, he was.
13:06
Building the house. And so, yeah.
13:09
And so I caught him. I overheard him talking in
13:11
another room. And I said, you know, you're
13:13
talking to another woman. And him being his bold self was
13:16
like, yes, I am. And I said, well, we're doing
13:19
marriage therapy. Do you want it or not?
13:22
He was like, look, I'm talking to this person.
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I'm not apologetic about it. We separated.
13:28
It is what it is. Time for therapy.
13:31
Like a hour, like an hour later or so, we log get on and I
13:35
immediately tell the therapist that I found out that he's
13:39
talking to someone else and we're supposed to be doing this
13:43
therapy. How are we able to move forward?
13:45
And the therapist said, he asked and he said, is this true?
13:48
And he was like, yes, he was like, well, what do you want?
13:53
He said, because if you know, if you're going to continue to talk
13:56
to another woman, this is wasting your time, but this is
13:59
wasting my time. If we're, if there's no goal,
14:02
unless you want to change this to divorce therapy, like
14:06
assisting you guys in your process, we need to, it has to
14:09
be an authentic goal. What it what are we working
14:13
towards here? And he just said, no, I'm not,
14:17
I'm not willing to stop talking to her.
14:19
So the guy we got fired by a therapist, he and he wished me
14:24
the best. He said, I wish you the best and
14:29
you know that you good luck, you know, on finding a therapist
14:33
like just for you and on what your next steps are.
14:36
I can't really comment about you know what he just did, but it's
14:39
clear. So you just have to make your
14:41
choice from from here. So that was a process because
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he's always been very bold. It just got way more bold
14:50
overtime to an extreme, you know, just unapologetic.
14:54
Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, I'm talking to somebody.
14:56
So no, I'm not going to stop. Because at what point had you
15:00
really challenged him? Not at all.
15:03
So then you end up having, like we talked about, some of those
15:06
flaring red flags in the beginning.
15:09
And if you let things go, man, over years, you can end up with
15:12
with a monster that you're creating.
15:14
It. The monster that you are
15:16
feeding. And so this is what brought
15:20
things to the end. So the yeah, so we got fired
15:26
from a therapist, which was kind of crazy for me, but he went on
15:32
about coming in and out whenever not coming home at night, I
15:36
would be in my room downstairs in the master bedroom, but I
15:39
would hear the door open and hear him going upstairs.
15:42
So he was just basically married, but he just made a
15:45
choice to act like a roommate, like a.
15:47
Woman had to really be something because what I care and
15:51
throughout this is that he had the ability to rise right.
15:57
Like I heard someone say that a man will rise or fall to the
16:00
standards of the woman and for him to drastically say you his
16:05
wife, I'm going to go stay upstairs.
16:08
He find out he's talking to this woman.
16:10
He's not letting this woman go. That to me tells me that one the
16:14
hunter and him was activated right like that he's willing to
16:17
work for a woman and that that woman likely said well, if you
16:21
wish your wife ain't nothing I can do like no, you still
16:24
sleeping over her. Nope.
16:25
Like he he will. He will seem like it sounds like
16:29
do whatever ever to get that thing he want, which he
16:32
demonstrated with you. He got married because he wanted
16:35
to have sex. Like sex is really and truly
16:38
powerful. Yes, very powerful and very
16:42
important, you know, to him at all costs.
16:46
When it came to me, he would push and push until he really
16:51
for real almost loses me and then he brings it back together
16:56
and whoever he got a drop, he a drop.
16:58
But it has to get to the point where I'm really going to lose
17:02
Sharon. And that happened at that point.
17:04
It happened that many. It happened when I brought up
17:06
the woman from the threesome, you know, attempt and she said,
17:10
oh, we've been sleeping together.
17:12
And when I really got to the point where he knew I was
17:15
leaving, he called her and said you but not ever reach out to my
17:19
wife again. If you do, I'm going to put that
17:21
video I made of you all over social media.
17:23
I never heard from that woman again so.
17:26
Wow, I just heard something even in that threat, going back to
17:29
what you said about that cruelty.
17:31
So he had insurance on these people.
17:33
He's he had no problem with weaponizing this material.
17:38
Oh yeah. But it was always, he knew that
17:41
I wanted the marriage. So he stood in this place of
17:44
power until I would show that I would.
17:47
It would take me a whole lot. But when I was getting to a
17:51
place of power, he could throw them away with cruelty.
17:54
Or even the woman with the whole Polly.
17:56
Yeah, when it got down to it and she was saying, I don't, you
17:59
know, I actually just wanted to be with you.
18:01
I didn't want Polly and all this and that.
18:03
They ended up having a hard falling out.
18:06
And so then this situation comes around.
18:10
And so this is the end. He lives upstairs, he's looking
18:15
for a place to live. He comes to me.
18:18
It is April 28th, which 28th is a significant number for me, but
18:25
it was, it happened to be April 28th, 2022.
18:29
I will not forget the day because it was a life changing
18:32
day for me. Yeah, he came and knocked on the
18:34
door, on the master bedroom door as he separated.
18:38
And he comes in and asked me can we talk?
18:41
I said sure, come on and we can talk.
18:45
And he sits down and he tells me that, you know, he's going to
18:50
make plans to move out. OK.
18:52
And he found an apartment and he would like to.
18:55
Stands not going to make he had made plans.
18:58
Yes, he found an apartment and that he wanted to separate and I
19:05
said, so you want to just separate and live in different
19:08
places for you to what do whatever you want to do.
19:11
And he said, well, I'm going to be honest with you about the
19:14
direction that I'm going in and he let me know that he is not.
19:20
What did he say? Because this is so significant,
19:24
He said. I'm not living my truth and it
19:26
is time for me to live my truth without guilt.
19:29
Now it means you a really bold statement.
19:32
I can only imagine which the many directions your mind might
19:36
have gone in that moment. Honestly, I started to feel a
19:39
shift energetically as he began to talk.
19:42
My spirit or something in me became to inattention.
19:46
Even how I said changed. I got into this neutral space
19:51
where it wasn't good or bad, it just was.
19:55
It was neutrality. And I felt it.
19:57
I felt something take like within me that had been
20:02
addressed or awakened. And I listened to him.
20:06
I listened to him without a lot of feeling or fleeting thoughts,
20:11
OK, or history or any of that. And he said I want to get into
20:18
dominatrix and BDSM, OK? Which I didn't know much about,
20:24
you know? Educate our listeners and
20:27
viewers just in case they don't know.
20:29
Dominatrix and BDSM and some people honestly can still
20:32
educate me some on it, but from what I understand, it has to do
20:37
more with like submission and dominance and sex and you know,
20:43
bondage, you know, tying people up.
20:46
Some can go to like pain, like a lot of painful things.
20:50
It's about control sometimes like blindfolded or being
20:56
whipped, but it's like another name for it.
20:59
I don't know vlog I don't know. But somebody, like I said,
21:02
somebody could still educate me about it, but I knew that much.
21:06
And he didn't go there with me because I'm, that's not my
21:10
thing. The most he tried to do and he
21:12
said that I have an issue with control because I'm not into
21:15
that and I don't think anything's wrong with that was
21:18
like trying to tie me down. I don't like that feeling.
21:22
And I had to tell him. And that was another thing.
21:25
We didn't have the same values. So there were other women that
21:30
was willing to do those things. And I wonder how much of this
21:33
came from porn, if this was the type of stuff he was watching.
21:37
Possibly. And I think a lot of it just has
21:39
to do with power. Yeah, it has to do with power
21:42
and control. And so at this time there is no
21:47
back and forth. He is talking and I am listening
21:52
and then I may have a follow up question.
21:54
I was very calm, just as calm as I'm talking to you right now.
21:57
Yep. Like my, you know, at the time
22:00
he's telling me I want to get into domination.
22:02
He said I, I want to do this as a business.
22:05
And what really stood out to me is he said it's my spiritual
22:09
calling to bring healing to women sexually is through BDSM.
22:16
And I said, well, how are you going to heal women sexually by
22:21
doing this, by tying them down and causing pain and things of
22:25
that nature. And he was like, well, this is
22:27
something that I'm just getting into studying, but I know that I
22:31
can release trauma and healing He was like, healing women
22:34
sexually is my calling. And I would like for you to be a
22:39
part of that. But I know that you're not
22:41
comfortable with that. So if you feel like you need to
22:44
file for divorce, then you do what you want to do.
22:47
But I don't want a divorce. I would like for us to have a
22:50
new experience. I would like to, he was like, I
22:52
would like to separate for a while.
22:54
And then I would like for us to come back together and be able
22:57
to have a new experience. And I said, well, I said during
23:02
this time I said, so you're pretty much openly you're having
23:06
sex with other people. What are your thoughts?
23:10
Because at this time I'm doing energy work and Reiki and things
23:13
of that nature. And I said, not only doing
23:16
energetic work, but also what has happened to me in the past
23:21
with bacterial infections and things of that nature.
23:24
How are you going to have this plan and protect your wife?
23:28
I'm just curious. I would like to know.
23:31
He was like, well, there's other ways to do it.
23:33
He said it doesn't always have to be penetration.
23:36
There are ways of tying them. You know, there's different
23:39
things that can do to bring ecstasy to them that brings this
23:42
healing. I said, so you want to bring
23:44
this ecstasy to women and then come home to your wife and have
23:48
a regular marriage. And he was like, well, me
23:52
providing pleasure to another woman is not harming you.
23:57
That's your control. That's your need to control me.
24:02
And and he said the same thing with threesomes.
24:05
He was like, I'm no longer OK with that either because that's
24:09
just you controlling me. I should be able to be free to
24:12
choose who I want to have sex. With you don't need to be in a
24:15
marriage. That's what I said, so then you
24:17
don't want to be married. And he said, well, there are
24:19
different kinds. There are different types of
24:22
relationship. I said, well, that's not the
24:23
type of marriage that I want. And then I paused and this was
24:27
really significant. I paused and I said, excuse me
24:30
for a moment. And it was like a out of
24:34
experience. It was as if I was watching
24:36
myself. I got up.
24:39
It was almost like I watched myself go to the bathroom.
24:41
I don't know. I went to the bathroom.
24:44
I got down on one knee in front of the toilet and I just started
24:47
purging. I didn't know where it came
24:50
from. I don't know why.
24:51
I wasn't sick. I didn't have a stomach ache,
24:54
nothing. But you were sick.
24:56
Yeah, I just remember getting out and I just, it was just, I
24:59
was just purging, purging. And then I got up, I watched
25:03
myself walk back. I sat down.
25:07
I was so neutral. I just remember that emotion,
25:10
that feeling of no feeling. Actually, it's hard to explain
25:15
that, but I just calmly said I choose to file for divorce.
25:21
I made a choice. It's almost like something else
25:23
made a choice for me, said I filed for divorce.
25:28
That was on April 28th. He moved out just his belongings
25:33
on May 9th. So a couple days or a week later
25:36
or so and I filed for divorce on May 19th.
25:38
Never had a moment of maybe we should work things out.
25:44
Never flirted, never had feelings, never missed him,
25:52
never have a moment of like, well man, maybe when I purged
25:56
that day something happened. It's like I threw up all my
25:59
feelings for him. There was all kind of horrible,
26:03
like a lot of the narcissistic abuse came out after I filed for
26:06
divorce. But within myself there was
26:10
never a moment of should I do this?
26:12
Should I not Man, I kind of missed this.
26:15
There was nothing to miss. I filed for divorce on May 19th.
26:20
I was working full time and doing well but I'm like I cannot
26:25
deal with a lawyer like God give me strength man.
26:27
I used to go to the law library across the street.
26:30
I went through a divorce by myself with no lawyer, paid no
26:35
money and was divorced 60 days later.
26:38
Man, he never signed any papers. I had to keep getting him
26:42
served. I went to court by myself
26:47
eventually with him getting served three or four times.
26:50
The judge just let me stand before him on my own and I
26:55
divorced. Wow, so he was doing everything
26:57
to try to keep you in the marriage that he actively
27:02
sabotage from the beginning? Yeah.
27:04
And, and what was this is what is significant with
27:07
psychological abuse. There were many different
27:11
moments where you can look at and say, oh, that's mental abuse
27:14
or all this and that. But after I filed for divorce,
27:16
he came back to the house to come get the children and he
27:21
asked for them to, you know, take a moment.
27:23
He wanted to talk to me. And this was such a significant
27:26
moment. He said, I have an inbox full of
27:29
women right now. And if you will be willing this
27:33
to, to give this a try, I can make all that go away and I will
27:38
make this right. I want my family.
27:40
Back for Sharon, when in your history had it been right you
27:44
see how he tried to come and. It was never.
27:46
Right, He OK, OK, since you brought up the narcissistic
27:49
abuse, because I heard it clearly in the divorce moment,
27:52
right. So he had been doing his thing
27:55
with this woman. OK, OK, in so many parts, but
27:57
I'm I'm stick to the one because my brain was starting to pick up
28:00
on something else. But I know I got this clearly,
28:02
OK. He came to you telling you I'm
28:04
making plans to move out. But he said I having an
28:07
apartment, that's a threat. When you're in a marriage, that
28:10
is a threat. I'm leaving.
28:12
He's trying to activate you. He's trying to destabilize you.
28:17
He's trying to get you in a position of desperation so that
28:23
you will be willing to take the foolishness he was next forcing
28:27
to feed you because. I'm glad I saw that.
28:30
Oh yeah, girl, I live the version of this tooth where that
28:35
threat is put. And then he knows you.
28:38
He knows your desires, he knows your values and artistic abuse
28:42
in the talk about power, this works because he has the ability
28:47
to control you. He had already fought this all
28:50
the way through and what Sharon would do.
28:52
And he thought in that moment you were going to say, no, baby,
28:56
let's work it out. And that calm.
28:58
One you purged. And that calm was like, no,
29:01
thank you. He did not bank on that.
29:04
No at not. At all, because he's been
29:07
studying you for 16-17 years at this point.
29:12
He knows you. Yeah, he knows you.
29:16
Oh yeah, so like. That's who will do what is good,
29:19
what is right, what is aligned with your values, regardless of
29:23
your situation. So if he could always count on
29:25
you to be predictable, for you to be consistent, this is the
29:29
person who violated and manipulated your authenticity,
29:34
your vulnerability, as well as your that you'd stay true to the
29:41
programming. Yeah, and it was a shock, I know
29:44
that it was to actually really go through with it and file.
29:49
And so he it was significant when he said, you know, I got
29:54
this inbox for the women thread again.
29:57
I can I can make them go away, come back and then Yep.
30:01
And so when I said no, I'm not going to do that, immediately,
30:08
his face, the ones that I know, OK, well, then you're going to
30:12
lose everything more. You're going to lose me.
30:15
You're going to lose all your friends.
30:18
No man is going to want you with four kids.
30:21
As a man, I can move on with four kids, he said.
30:24
Nobody's going to want you because you're not a, you're not
30:27
a asset, you're a liability. But him with four kids imply OK,
30:31
cool, OK. But I'm going to tell you how
30:33
good God is said OK I'll stay just as calm looking just hot
30:37
Kai you looking over there right now just calm like OK well we'll
30:41
see what happens. He ended up every oh, and he
30:48
said I am going to get back married.
30:50
And you know what? I'm not going to be Polly.
30:53
I'm going to marry somebody and I'm going to give her everything
30:56
you asked. For girl, that's that is 100%
30:59
textbook narcissistic behavior. Everything that they do in the
31:05
new relationship is all about me.
31:07
They're still consumed with you and they want to get that next
31:11
person and everything you wanted so that you could be looking at
31:15
them and regretting it and all these think or maybe that you'll
31:18
comfort try to run back for them.
31:20
Oh my goodness. Oh my gosh, and that's why it's
31:23
only been 2 1/2 years and he's already remarried.
31:26
But guess what? He he married a black woman, a
31:29
single woman with how many kids or four He had to eat his words,
31:34
but. Does she look like you chairs?
31:37
No, she looks like him. Oh.
31:40
I know, I think I'm sorry that one, right.
31:42
Look at you. They look like siblings, right.
31:45
That's what I definitely like that, but I was like, oh, that's
31:47
different. Yeah.
31:49
Oh, no, she and it's funny, most people have that have seen her.
31:52
It's like they look like they look like family.
31:55
So but what the why I said God is so good.
31:58
It was just significant to me throughout this period and it's
32:03
going to take us to the to the narcissistic abuse.
32:05
But he had nowhere to live for a period of time.
32:10
My children were getting picked up.
32:12
You know every you said what you so.
32:14
So he the problem. Yeah.
32:16
Well, he drives trucks. So he was just like staying in
32:18
his truck or to other people's home, like renting rooms from
32:21
women, things of that nature. What happened to the apartment?
32:24
I told you that was all a ploy to get Darren too big.
32:28
He did get an apartment but when child all support hit he could
32:32
not afford that apartment. He wasn't afraid as he thought
32:36
he was, hence why he came back to try to threaten you versus
32:39
saying my life is in shambles without you, I'm sorry, let's
32:42
make it work. But this is what I really
32:47
appreciate with him making that statement to me about no one's
32:53
going to want you with four kids.
32:55
No one. When you had nowhere to go, who
32:58
provided you shelter when you had none, it was a single woman
33:02
with four kids. When you couldn't come pick up
33:06
your own kids because you were out of town during your legal
33:09
obligation, who came to get your children.
33:12
So then you get married two years after a 18 year divorce
33:18
because sometimes as women and men do this too, where they'll
33:21
come in to play the hero, not saying that that love is not
33:24
there or whatever the case may be, but I can only speak for me.
33:27
I can't speak for him. For me, after everything I've
33:31
been through in 18 years, this has been such a time of healing
33:37
and it's taken me time to get to the power of singleness.
33:41
Yes, ma'am. Me get being married two years
33:45
later. I'm sorry.
33:46
I need more time. That's just me.
33:48
But we think about it, I could see on his side how marriage
33:52
benefited him. Marriage gave him structure.
33:55
Marriage gave him comfort. It gave him consistency.
33:58
He had someone reliable who would care for him.
34:01
Almost like, and this is not uncommon and women do this where
34:05
they get in more parental relationships rather than
34:09
partner relationships. Yes.
34:11
You described him that's just trying to control me.
34:13
That sounded like a little boy rebellion against his mother.
34:16
Yes, and it it brings, they bring in stability.
34:20
I remember a older woman telling me after my divorce, she said
34:24
what you want. You want him to settle down with
34:27
a good woman, Watch him become a better father.
34:31
Because they want to show. Look at me, they want to show.
34:35
A certain. Lifestyle And she said even
34:38
though he's going to want to show this other woman this
34:41
lifestyle, it's going to benefit you.
34:44
And benefits your show. Before she came around, he would
34:47
I had missed a couple of trips, not getting the kids, being
34:51
late, being since he got into a relationship.
34:55
My kids are picked up on time, dropped off on time.
34:59
It has helped. I've been like, hey.
35:01
Thanks girl, I'm. I'm y'all biggest fan.
35:04
If if y'all ever going through something called me, bring out
35:08
all the prayer warriors, you hear me?
35:09
Because I want y'all to stay together.
35:11
It has made life better. Yeah, for me as far as just like
35:16
not having that, you know, why aren't you here?
35:18
All of that with him getting it, it went out the window.
35:21
But he did exactly what he said he was going to do, which is
35:24
intentional, but he. And so he was doing this to hurt
35:27
you. Then he had to do it because his
35:29
ego that I told her I'm going to do this.
35:32
I can't look stupid. I can't this week.
35:35
Now he's boxed himself into this thing and he's thinking he's
35:39
fighting you but it's actually forcing him to grow up.
35:42
And because y'all were children when y'all met, I don't think he
35:46
could grow up still being in relationship with you and nor
35:50
could you. Which is why this time of
35:52
thinkliness has been more of solitude and healing.
35:56
Yes, and and you just brought up a word that we really do need to
36:01
talk about solitude. So after I filed for divorce, he
36:06
went on this huge, you know, it was what do they call it?
36:13
He got on you said what was it a smear campaign, this world smear
36:17
campaign. It is that it is such an abusive
36:21
thing when he said and I, I didn't know that that was a
36:27
thing like that. But I know that when I said that
36:30
I was not going to stay married to him, he said, well, you're
36:33
going to lose me. You're going to lose all your
36:34
friends, you're going to lose everybody in.
36:37
Sleep to it. Oh, he went on a huge smear
36:42
campaign. He may post about my business
36:46
saying that it was fraud, though.
36:48
I wasn't a real life coach. I was just taking money from
36:51
women. I'm like, what?
36:53
It wasn't a year. It was it was a year later.
36:56
He apologized to me about that privately.
36:59
He said it publicly. You need to match that energy
37:02
bro. And I say, why would you make up
37:05
something about my business when you know how much of my heart is
37:09
in that? And I've never had any situation
37:13
ever with fraud or ever. And I've always care, you know,
37:18
I carry a even higher education then then, then some life
37:22
coaches. And like, what do you mean by
37:23
false? And he was like, you know, I, I
37:26
said that was a lie. And he said, I know I was, I was
37:29
just upset. But it was never, it wasn't
37:31
corrected publicly. And so I had to just let it go.
37:36
And this is one of the significant things.
37:38
When he went on the smear campaign, people were contacting
37:42
me saying why aren't you doing anything?
37:45
Why aren't you defending yourself?
37:48
He's humiliating you. That's why he's humiliating
37:53
himself. He's making himself look bad.
37:57
That this is the mother of your children.
37:59
You're dragging her. You are a man and this is how
38:03
you're operating and and also the Bible tells us on Exodus
38:07
1414 all you got to do is steal and God will fight for you.
38:10
When you just you, you literally just gave me chills because I am
38:14
telling you, no matter how many people kept coming to me and
38:18
saying sharing like defend yourself.
38:21
Where is your family? Where's your no, we decided like
38:24
we are not feeding none of this, none of it, because that's his
38:29
day. I'm not seeing it.
38:31
I'm not values or your character, I'm sorry.
38:34
Not at all. Not my values, not my character,
38:37
but I'm not going to say that my ego was not challenged and there
38:43
were not late nights where I wanted to be like, I just want
38:47
to tell everybody about what really happening.
38:51
He also public in the smear smear, in the smear campaign, he
38:55
stated that he's the one that ended his marriage.
38:58
I couldn't even get him to go to court.
39:00
But yeah, so that was one of the paperwork.
39:04
So that was one of the things was I'm so happy I freed myself
39:08
from this, you know, marriage. And she was financially
39:14
unstable. But she was.
39:17
In that was. Supposed to cover well, OK.
39:19
Yeah, supposed to, but that was one of the things that my ego
39:23
struggled with and it took me a while to forgive or to get over
39:30
that. I was very irritated with the
39:32
narrative and it took a lot to not say anything to not because
39:37
it's like a lot of the stuff that he stated was financial,
39:40
but I had a shared bank account my entire marriage.
39:45
I didn't have my own bank account until I divorced at 38.
39:49
So my my money went to bills, but he put out this whole
39:54
financial scheme thing. It was just like some of the
39:57
things that came back to me was like, I cannot believe that he's
40:02
making up all this stuff about me.
40:04
And then people will send me not just things on social media, but
40:07
private messages to show me how far he was going.
40:12
I was like, this is serious. But this is also a person that's
40:16
deeply troubled because he's very, very venom.
40:21
Just so much toxicity everywhere that he has nowhere to put it
40:27
and that instead of moving on and having a healthy life, he is
40:32
just really fixed on that. And that's, that's something you
40:35
got to get out. I'm glad you got away from it.
40:38
Oh. My gosh.
40:39
That type of so great it wasn't as a parent because you were
40:44
going with his program moment you started challenging it or
40:48
you acted outside of it in a way that he didn't expect he had to
40:53
you cruelty to get you back in life.
40:56
That's how narcissistic abuse works, right?
40:58
Like it's not just in relationship.
41:01
You see this in business. You see this a lot for men and
41:04
men, especially when you have like really dominant men see
41:09
some of these things play out with more stores that are on the
41:12
headlines. A lot of the behavior and stuff
41:14
that you see is narcissistic abuse and more than likely
41:18
rooted in someone's own unresolved comma.
41:22
Yeah, they experienced very early on.
41:27
And again, the way it keeps showing up with women, just this
41:31
is telling me clearly without that he was victimized.
41:39
And the reason why I say that is this need for power and control
41:44
and to think that he's healing women when really second out his
41:50
promise, his resentment for women.
41:52
It sounds like me if I have to guess.
41:55
Take an educated guess he was violated by a woman very young
42:00
and there was a power dynamic there.
42:02
And that's really sad because this is what happens when we
42:05
don't feel that problem like we don't deserve any of them.
42:09
And honestly, I'm a pray for him like seriously for his feeling
42:13
for his soul so that he can get right so that 15 can stop and
42:18
hopefully he's going to help your place in this marriage
42:20
right. So that.
42:22
So yeah. That's unresolvable.
42:24
You can fuck it up out of the root, get it all up out of there
42:28
and that he can feel that back in with what he knows, right?
42:32
Like no matter how far we stray, if we turn away from sin and go
42:38
to God who will welcome us. He has drank enough of that
42:42
bitter. Hopefully it will bring him back
42:44
to the sweet. So even though he's gone down
42:47
this dark path sexually, and he might be, I've gone too far now
42:52
to come back. Some people do that, right?
42:54
And that's how Satan needs to keep them, to prick them and to
42:57
think that they're not worthy or that they're far gone.
43:00
The same like he was using on you.
43:02
He's got a monkey, that type of stuff.
43:05
But if he would run away and come back to God.
43:09
And you said his family was Christian, and you know, that's
43:11
how he grew up. Hopefully, right?
43:14
You know, if you teach a child in a ways, they, you know, it
43:17
will not fail with that. Excuse me?
43:19
It won't, girl. You know what I'm saying?
43:20
You teach the kids the right. I know I'm back around here.
43:24
I'm about it, Yeah. I mean, it appears.
43:27
I don't know. I have no idea any inside
43:32
things. I do know that it appears, or he
43:35
stated, that he gave his life back to Christ.
43:40
And. They're no longer because I know
43:43
that when he first got into a relationship with her, they
43:47
were, you know, he's to brag a lot on lot.
43:50
And this is just from somebody sending things to me regarding
43:53
court stuff that we had going on, but that, you know, he was
43:58
bragging or just saying, you know, just really happy about
44:01
her being bisexual. He didn't have to look for the
44:04
women now like she would look for them.
44:06
And they get you. Yeah, and like.
44:09
She's willing to do what you want, but you won't excuse me.
44:12
Yeah, so supposedly, and I don't know from what I'm hearing is
44:20
that they've chosen to not live that life and try to give their
44:25
life back to Christ. That's the last I heard.
44:27
I'm better off with that then because I just say, you know, my
44:31
kids are not my oldest is on social media, but it would be
44:35
post like I think there was a video that he posted of her and
44:41
she was in the car with him and she said, you know, can we go
44:43
back to the hotel So I can suck your you know, and then this is
44:47
like this is the kind of stuff that I would not allow online.
44:50
But he thinks that this is great, that this makes him look
44:53
good. Yeah, cuz he posted it.
44:55
But my thing is like I would not want my wife saying something
45:00
like that and then me posting it.
45:02
I think it's inappropriate and you know, just why you got kids
45:06
and stuff. And that was one of the things
45:08
that I stated is, you know, if you guys are going to be in
45:11
today and also like soliciting, you know, women like we're a
45:15
couple that we like this. We like that, you know, anybody
45:17
when I come hang out with us tonight.
45:19
So all of this is on Instagram and Facebook and supposedly they
45:24
now deleted that and is trying to live a different way.
45:29
But when I first saw it, when I first saw it, I just thought to
45:34
myself, I don't no judgment. I don't want to say good or bad.
45:38
I just felt like this is something I would have never
45:41
been. And so he got what he wanted.
45:44
But you had a version of this except that there were she had
45:49
less resistance. Oh, a lot less, which means that
45:52
you can take her further, faster and deeper into that sexual
45:58
deviance. And that he said, OK, well,
46:00
she's already bisexual. That's less work that I want to
46:03
do. This is what I fear we going to
46:05
keep praying for them. Please do, they seem to be doing
46:09
well. Wonderful thing, and this was a
46:12
lesson for me too in getting to a place of just giving to
46:18
myself. Yeah, so good.
46:21
Talk to me a little bit about that.
46:24
You know what happened when you decided to like, choose you?
46:27
When you decided to arrest yourself?
46:30
After the whole smear campaign and all that, I went on a
46:34
sabbatical. I went on a I had a time of
46:38
solitude. I got off of social media for
46:42
over a year, I want to say about a year and a quarter, a year and
46:45
three months. I got off of social media.
46:48
I stopped doing my business because I needed a break and I
46:51
told myself I would give myself one year from that.
46:55
I will focus in on my job, which I was a clinical director at the
47:00
time, and just to be able to do what I need to do, I had to
47:04
start over from scratch. What?
47:06
Does that mean start over from scratch?
47:08
Like start over. I moved out of the house that I
47:11
was in because it was like way out of my budget.
47:15
Found a place and all this was pretty quick.
47:18
When I moved out, I moved into my apartment 2 weeks.
47:21
Later, energetically, so you're not sitting at that same energy
47:25
that shared home. Oh yeah, and my family came
47:29
through as far as like helping me pack up and all that, but I
47:32
was also caring a lot financially because he just
47:36
grabbed his clothes and left. Didn't It was a huge 5 bedroom
47:41
house. Didn't pack up, nothing.
47:43
Didn't help pay for movers. But I'm going to tell you how
47:48
good God is nobody had to help me pay for movers, anything like
47:53
that. I moved me and my children out
47:55
of there. We moved to an apartment, got
47:58
everything together. Even since then, I've up
48:03
upgraded even more. I love where I live, The kids
48:06
love where we are. But there was there was a
48:10
process to this OK financially. And this is also, as I lead into
48:16
that, how we talk about smear campaign and all that.
48:20
When I told you that I did not, you know, defend myself at all.
48:26
All that financial stuff. I got my own play.
48:29
Yeah, never deals, always on time.
48:32
I didn't have to, I didn't need help.
48:34
Bought a brand new car and no co-signer credit score.
48:39
Went year sound like. My bills were not paid on time
48:43
until I divorced. And y'all, it seemed like 18.
48:49
It's it seemed like, and I've heard other people say this,
48:54
when you living and doing things in secret and doing things that
48:58
are hurtful, it's almost like energetically like money just
49:01
goes through your fingers. You can't, you can't even put it
49:05
together because it doesn't make sense.
49:08
If we want to look at the math or whatever, you got an income
49:11
of two people always having to borrow money from families,
49:15
cars, getting repo bills not paid on time, going through an
49:19
eviction. These are different things that
49:22
happen. I moved.
49:24
As I'm less. Didn't need help.
49:25
I'm hearing because there was a lack of.
49:27
Lack of discipline. And it showed in every area,
49:31
yes. But to go through this, you
49:34
know, whole smearing thing and say financially this,
49:37
financially that I, I knew that that was just to get attention
49:40
of women. But if that's the case, it would
49:42
have shown in yeah, it would have shown in my life.
49:46
I would not have gone down and I had the same job, but then all
49:51
of a sudden you can pay all your bills on time, your credit score
49:55
is increasing. I have a beautiful home.
49:58
I didn't need no cosigner. Come on, God.
50:01
Bought a brand, I didn't need a like.
50:03
And so it's just saying I didn't have to say anything.
50:06
I didn't have to defend. All I had to do was just live my
50:10
truth. If those things are not true
50:12
about me, then all you got to do is live your truth and your life
50:16
reveals itself. Come on.
50:18
That's yeah, that's why they say like that.
50:20
I don't know where it comes from, but the proof is in the
50:23
pudding, right? Like you just have to wait for
50:25
the outcome because that's really all that it is.
50:27
Like they can say all the stuff, but just just wait.
50:30
Just wait. Just wait.
50:32
Just wait. Just wait.
50:34
And the only thing, the only thing you gonna be feeling
50:37
burning is your ego, your ego that want to be like, I'm gonna,
50:41
you know. Let me say something now.
50:43
But no, he was really trying to drag you in.
50:46
And it was also when we were talking about narcissistic
50:49
abuse. They are really and truly
50:52
masters of distorting truth. So they will take one thing
50:57
that's grounded in truth so they can say, but this is true and
51:01
they'll twist it how they need to twist it to serve whatever
51:05
narrative that they are putting forward.
51:07
Which leaves you, a person who is operating in her values to
51:11
feel like, oh, well, that is true, but also that's what kept
51:14
you stuck. I would imagine several times
51:17
because he would take something rooted in truth and then you're
51:20
like, well, what am I supposed to do?
51:22
Yes. So we're going to get to how we
51:25
had this big change. I told you know, as far as going
51:28
into growth for real, it is through it was through deep
51:34
levels of accountability. Accountability creates growth
51:39
and and change like real change and a lot of that happened
51:43
through therapy. So like I said, I went through
51:46
therapy my first year. I want to say maybe the first
51:49
four to five months was twice a week.
51:52
I mean, I really invested in it. And during that time I was
51:56
diagnosed with CPTSD, which is complex post traumatic stress
52:02
disorder. For those that don't know, it's
52:04
like, you know, PTSD can be, you know, it was like one major
52:08
event or something that happened versus CPTSD is something that's
52:13
consistent like that you're experiencing like overtime.
52:16
So that's that complex post traumatic stress disorder.
52:20
That was a huge process for me of going through therapy and
52:23
then going home and reading it and being like, Oh my God, this
52:28
is like real. I cannot believe this.
52:32
And I knew to do that. And I hope this encourages
52:35
someone that may be going through something because my
52:39
life appeared happy, meaning I had this beautiful home, new
52:45
car, kids are doing good man I divorced, I don't got to deal
52:49
with his mess no more. I'm enjoying all this but
52:52
something fell off. It's like I'm not missing
52:56
anything. Why am I experiencing like this
52:58
insomnia like this? Why am I having these bouts of
53:02
deep sadness? Why are you know and depression
53:05
can go really deep. You start finding your your
53:08
house is running differently. You can get so bad you barely
53:10
taking a shower. You can barely get out.
53:13
Go see friends. I just started noticing all
53:17
these different imbalances. And so I scheduled a doctor's
53:20
appointment. I wanted to get my blood drawn.
53:24
I wanted to be able to see if there were different imbalances,
53:27
if there were things, you know, I needed more of certain
53:30
vitamins. Is there anything that could be
53:32
affecting me physically? And I went to the therapist and
53:39
yeah, I was OK Physically it did affect blood pressure, which
53:43
that came up around that time was blood pressure being higher.
53:47
But these different things like that, that was like woe for me
53:52
when I started studying CPTSD and trauma and going to trauma
53:58
therapy and managing the behavioral health clinic and
54:02
being a mom full time and doing all this by myself.
54:07
And so. But during therapy, what changed
54:10
me and got me on the right track was being honest about getting
54:15
to the honest space of why yes not even though we had this long
54:19
conversation about all the different things that happened
54:22
to me and all the different things that he might have done.
54:26
What things really comes down to is us, because my hands were
54:33
never tied. I was never controlled
54:37
physically in a way where I had to take that.
54:42
So then the question goes to why?
54:46
Why would you stay this long? Why would you allow that to
54:52
happen? What could possibly be happening
54:55
to make you forgive someone over and over and over?
55:00
OK, one of the things that was super significant that gets to
55:04
that, and this is something I struggle with a few times where
55:08
we have separated, where I was separated be like, you know
55:12
what, he cheat. I'm out of here, this, this and
55:14
that. Anytime there was a separation,
55:17
I would be like, forget it. And with somebody like that,
55:22
same thing, you know, we went through and I don't even think I
55:25
mentioned this, but in the beginning, when we were 22, I
55:29
think I mentioned all the stuff that happened with the chat
55:31
line. We separated during that time,
55:34
OK. And I've actually filed for
55:36
divorce during that time. But I went to Mega Fest.
55:41
It was the first Mega Fest with TDJ, and that was 1, you know, I
55:45
went to the whole save your marriage, you're going to be
55:47
set, you know, all this kind of stuff.
55:49
But during that separation, that was my first time of being like,
55:54
oh, I went to go visit my sister in Kansas.
55:57
I was dating, talking to people. I'm just like, I'm not, you
56:02
know, obviously something must be wrong with me.
56:06
So I'm going to enjoy myself. And this is not.
56:08
This was something me and my therapist talked about.
56:10
This happened a couple of times throughout the marriage.
56:13
You don't know how to be alone if there's something about her,
56:17
too. Yeah.
56:19
And you, that plays a big part in you staying.
56:24
What are you so afraid of? What is so fearful at its core
56:31
for you to be alone? That was just kind of.
56:36
Like that goes back to program. Thank you for tuning in for
56:39
another episode of Rise and Thrive.
56:41
Please come back for becoming Cold, leaving toxic love, and
56:45
finding Self with Sharon Gladney.