Latest / Jess Ask / Why I Stopped Having Sex (And What God Showed Me) | EP142

Transcript

Why I Stopped Having Sex (And What God Showed Me) | EP142 · Jess Ask

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Yo, it's your girl Jessica and Smith, and you already
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: know that you've entered the safe space for influencers to decompress,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: have fun and just ask.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: God for another day?
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: Do you already know what it is?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: And then you know it's about to get real, So be.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: Sure to show your girl the love and like coming God.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: For another day. Hey, hey, I know we could be
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: another way, yo.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: Yo, yo, you it. I'm sorry, y'all.
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: I'm trying to give y'all proper introdectent, but five says
• 0:49
  Speaker 4: before I started, this is a rain.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: Let me start off.
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry, you've entered the safe space where influencers can decompress.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Have just just ask if you.
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: Don't know, I do nothing without my girl. Hey, that's
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: a ray des rate.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: I got this a way. Why am I laughing? Because
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: the Lord is working on me, y'all?
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: She is so irritating. It's not that it's it's really
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: not that.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: D is just funny because I know the Lord is
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: working on me. What is he working on? Desertraate be
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: specific with the people.
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: Okay, so you know I got to boo and everything, right,
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: you have a whole man, got a whole man and everything, right,
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: So my man's he likes this idea of coordinating, right,
• 1:44
  Speaker 4: coordinating clothes represent each other, you know what I'm saying, coordinating.
• 1:51
  Speaker 4: And this is the funny thing is this was happening
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: even before he and I got together, right, So, and
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: it's kind of kind of kind of stem into our
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: our conversation with our intimacy, right, not that kind of
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: y'all see what we talking about?
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: Okay?
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: So so things like when you when you begin to
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: uh to do relationship with somebody, y'all kind of start
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: uh like start linking up. And really it's a spiritual thing, right,
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: like like you may show up and y'all kind of
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: dressed similarly, or y'all may have had like similar ideas
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: and things like that. So we were kind of already
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: doing that in a sense. But when the Man of
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: God started being like like, hey, you know cour, I was.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Like, no, now I want to cordinate. That's carney and
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: all these things.
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: But then I had to take a little introspect back,
• 2:39
  Speaker 4: like why does that bother you?
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: And the root of it was the fear of loss
• 2:44
  Speaker 4: of identity, you know what I'm saying. So as I
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: just begin to submit that submit that to the Lord.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: The Lord's been doing a little and it's like.
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: Anything that I put on, Like literally, we've been Court
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: Color Corps naming a minute now.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: So let's be so this.
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: So this is why it's really funny, okay to me.
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: So if y'all know, y'all know we batch record. We
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: do batter records, so we do at least four episodes
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: once a month for the previous, for the next, for
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: the next month. Right, So within that knowing when you
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: when you it's a part of planning. So it's knowing
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: if we're coming in here for four episodes, that means
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: we're preparing to bring you know, four tops or whatever
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: that looks. You have to be able to change out
• 3:26
  Speaker 4: or not. Like I've recorded for people, they just keep
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: the same thing, which just fine. So but with the
• 3:31
  Speaker 4: gag is we don't talk. We don't we don't have
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: no conversation about.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: What you're wearing.
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: And literally every episode we don't record it on this day,
• 3:41
  Speaker 4: we done coordinate it.
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: It has irritated us.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: So but I think even in the space, but it
• 3:51
  Speaker 4: ain't even like, hey, I'm gonna put this on.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Even with this on, No, I picked the thing up.
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: I put the thing on, She's sit down.
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: I'm like, I don't mindy know, I'm looking like how
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: we both got on black hoodies.
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: Like we started recording and we had on it was.
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: Like tans and browns and things. Then it was like, oh,
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: a black black T shirt kind of situation. I'm like
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: it was it was something identifying that we're together. Yeah. Yeah,
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: And that's how intimacy works. It does, it does. So
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: it's Desiree said, we are talking about intimacy, and it's
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: interesting because I never really want to talk about like
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: stuff like this really, So you know, one of my
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: pain points is relationships, like intimate relationships, like with the male,
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: the male species, with the men of God that's on
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: this earth that does do life with us.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: I have a love I have a love love relationship
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: because it's very challenging. It has been challenging.
• 4:55
  Speaker 4: It has been challenging, and so your girl don't don't
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: like to talk about it for real.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: And the Lord has been dealing with me about that.
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: And so what's interesting is Valentine's is upon us, and
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: it's always this holiday. It's this holiday that talks about
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: love or whatever. And even when I'm in a relationship.
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: I'm like, that's not my holiday. I don't enjoy it.
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: Some people really really put a lot of effort in
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: Valentine's Day, and I say, go off, I say do
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: best for you, however, and I really want someone that
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: wants to Valentine me every day.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: I really do. I just believe that.
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: And it doesn't take a lot. Like I don't need
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: the flowers every day. I don't need the chocolates every
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: day because I'm not eating a lot of chocolate, like,
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: because I'm trying to get fine. I'm trying to get
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: fine this season, y'all the whole. The body is going
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: to be different. Okay, the body is going to be
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: different by December. Okay, shout out the Bristol. Hey, we
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: love you, all right, we shout out the Crystal. But
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: I really and I'm trying to figure out where I
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: got this from, right, I've been digging to figure out
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: why I really don't like Valentine's Day. I don't know
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: if it came out of place where I didn't receive stuff,
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: which I feel like that's a lie because when I started,
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: when I was younger, desire, I don't know if I
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: ever told you this, but okay, so me, Daddy, Kendall.
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: We live in the house, daddy, single parent or whatever.
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: When we went to mcwayne Elementary School, it's not a
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: school anymore, but shout out to those who went to
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: Macwaye Middle School on the eas side of Birmingham. The
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: school's not available anymore. We would have to go through
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: our drive through. He would pick us up and drop
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: us off. Well, on Valentine's Day, we would have a
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: bear sitting in our spot, the thought we normally sit
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: in on the back and the black hondoor acord.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, I will never forget it. We would open the
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: door and the bears would be buckled up.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: And so Daddy would do something for us every who
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: I'm having to have a moment.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Wait, what is that? Oh my gosh.
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: So dad would do something for us every Valentine's Day
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: when we were in elementary school.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: He goes off to.
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: He goes off to you know, fight in the war,
• 7:25
  Speaker 4: in the l Rak war or whatever. So we stay
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: with our mom during the time and then he comes back.
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: So we're I'm about in sixth grade or whatever. I
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: don't recall him doing it after that, all right, And
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: so the whole Valentine's Day thing, you know, it was
• 7:43
  Speaker 4: if it was special. At one time, it was special
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: because my dad made it special, like it was something
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: I don't even remember looking forward to it, but I
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: do remember receiving from him on Valentine's Day. But it stopped,
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: and so now my relationship with Valentine's Day is.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: Like, yeah, no, I don't. I don't have to. I
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: don't have to be a part.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: Of it, you know what I'm saying, Like there's too
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: many people outside. It's too many people that's gonna break
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: up the next day. It's just too it's just too much.
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: I would rather spend it like the whole Gallantines event
• 8:17
  Speaker 4: that we've done with Tiffany shout out to Tiffan Yole,
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: why we love you.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: I would prefer to do that.
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: I would prefer to see women's lives save them are,
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: you know, situated with themselves, them loving themselves. I'd rather
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: spend time with my homegirls. And maybe this is just
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: in the space that I'm in right now. Maybe a
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: man would come to me and be like Valentine me
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: every day to the point where I'm like, oh, I
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: just love to be loved on like that.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: On this day, I ain't there yet. How do you
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: how do you view Valentine's Day?
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: I have similar sentiments, But it's also the same way
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: I feel about Christmas. Right, It's not necessarily that it's
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: the holiday itself. I think it's what's society has made
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: of the holidays, you know, the commercialization of the thing.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: So my heart is, if you love somebody, it shouldn't
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: take one day to physically show them that you love them.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: And I'm kind of like you. It doesn't necessarily have
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: to be a uh.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: Buy me flowers.
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: I don't even really like flowers like that, but like
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: buy me flowers every day and all those things. I
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: think there's a decision, a choice that's made every day
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: to love somebody, and and you do that by making
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: the decision to love them and to show them that
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: and whatever that kind of capacity may look like, you
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: know what I'm saying. So I'm very similar Like like
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: when I'm dating dating people, I just let them know.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: People.
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: I'm just saying in general, but it's not okay, you're
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: not dating people. I'm not dating people. I still had
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: the same conversation with the past I still had the
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: same conversation with this man, right, okay? Is that hey,
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: because we begin to have conversation around the time, like
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: the month prior, and I just want to let him
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: know don't feel the pressure, because I think that's what
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: it is too, Like it's like this pressure of a thing, like, oh,
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: I gotta do this thing to show you. No, like
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: we can have conversation on a daily basis, you know
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: those things. And I know how you feel because you
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: showed me that you don't take one day out of
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: the year for you to go. I mean, if you
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: want to cool, but I'm letting you know that's not
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: don't feel pressure to do that because it's Valentine's Day,
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. And so I have those kinds.
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: I say that because at the end of the day,
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: like love is bigger than that. Yeah, you know, same
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: way I feel about Christmas, Like, yes, the spirit of
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: I love the spirit of the like the the lights
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: and things like that, But don't feel the pressure and
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: the obligation to to give me a gift because it's Christmas.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: Because maybe I don't feel the pressure.
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: I don't and I love giving gifts, like but it's
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: it's it's because I genuinely want to give that to somebody, change.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Gifts at all. We just spend time with each other exactly.
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: And that's what I love. Like I was satisfied. We
• 11:07
  Speaker 4: were both satisfied. We're not the friends. That's like, girl,
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: what you're getting me?
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: Do?
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: Do?
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Do?
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: Do?
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: I participated in like this gift giving situation whatever, And
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: it was more so because we were spending time with
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: each other, Like, so I get your sentiments as well,
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: and even thinking about like Valentine's Day, I think that
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: the idea of what it means to be loved, I
• 11:29
  Speaker 4: think that has been wrecked.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: Like when you when you go.
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: Through things, when you're looking at the world to understand
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: what love is and who love is you, you mismanaged
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: the identify identifier that's supposed to support you in this life.
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: So so what got me to this point, Desilray is
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: y'all know I've been open to you with you guys
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: on like the things I've dealt with, and I feel
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: like the Lord is leading me to be even more
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: open about things. I'm excited and I'm nervous because I'm like, Lord,
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: you just gonna let me tell all my being.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: You just gonna let me tell all my being though
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: Jesus reason.
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: So yeah, bucke your seat belts because we got to
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: go on the journey. So so last year, you guys
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: know that it was my year of resurrection, year thirty three,
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: and in that resurrection, the Lord made me kill some things.
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: I was like, things literally died. And on one thing
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: that died was the relationship that I was in. I
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: was in this on and again off again relationship with
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: this man of God and who I just think is
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: adult person. Just let me just say that, just on
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: record so we won't have no issues. I think it
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: was a dupe person. He just wasn't my person, right,
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: and I found that out. But I was holding on
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: for dear life, right, I think both of us were.
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: We were both holding on for dear life and it
• 12:59
  Speaker 4: just did not work out. And in that relationship, I
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: mean we were doing the things. We were doing all
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: of the things, all of them, Okay, we were being
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: we were we were practicing intimacies on all levels. And
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: if you're getting my drift, I hope you are. If
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: you not catch up, catch up, okay, because I we're
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: on a network.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: If we're on network, I would just be as free
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: as I'll get out.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: But we were doing all the things, and even in
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: that I struggled. I struggled with fully committing committing to abstinence, right.
• 13:34
  Speaker 4: And it wasn't just with him, it was the man
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: prior to him too, right. And I when I tell
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: you that I thought I had a first love pride
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: to him, but that was my first love. My my
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: therapist made me realize that that I was still grieving
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: that relationship in a sense like because I hadn't I
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: had properly grieved. And it's come back up since the
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: breaking off of the Man of God. I'm gonna refer
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: to him as the Man of God. That's the only
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: thing I'm gonna say. And so the Man of God
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: and I, you know, we did our th thisle and
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: we broke when we broke it off, I mean, and
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: when I say broke off, like there's no communication, there
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: is no Hey, how you doing, I'm just checking the
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: intext is done with, right, And.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: That also meant that we.
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: Weren't gonna try to see if we can, like you know,
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: help each other's hormonal needs, you know, And that was
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: different for me, and I think me a big deal
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: of me saying this right now is because I've had
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: the idea that women of God did not struggle with
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: this area of intimacy. I never thought that the woman
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: membent of God struggled with abstaining because they were able
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: to lean on scriptures and stuff. I thought something was
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: really wrong with me that that that my DNA was
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: just a little bit, a little bit different. I didn't
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: really think I was a real woman a God because
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: I struggle with with hunching, Like I won't even say struggle,
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: because it's not a struggle to hunch it's just a
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: struggle to abstain right. And so I you know, I lean.
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: I wanted to do the will of God right. I
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: had the ideal to do the will of God. I
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: had the ideal to obey God. I had the heart
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: to do it, the will, power and the strength and
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: tenacity to be able to like date a man and
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: not do that. It was it was just I will
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: always and the thing is, I will always have conversations
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: with him, desirey. I will always have conversations like, hey,
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: this is not something I want to do. Whatever, they'll
• 15:53
  Speaker 4: try it and boom there is you know, like it
• 15:56
  Speaker 4: would it would be like, Okay, if this is something
• 15:58
  Speaker 4: that you want to do, cool, coo cool. I can
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: say that that would happen in both situations.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: But then when you're.
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: Doing life with somebody or putting our instances where it's like, hey,
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: that's about to happen, things happen.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. And I'm not justifying.
• 16:11
  Speaker 4: I'm just being real right now, and so and so
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: I just thought, I just I just didn't work like.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: It was certain things. It was certain prayers.
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: I didn't pray for people, it was certain messages I
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: didn't deliver over people. When they would talk about purity
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: in the church, I would just roll my eyes because
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: I felt like all they were talking about was upstaining.
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: And I'm just like, this is not an area of
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: strength for me. I'm very weak in this area. So
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: fast forward to like we break up.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: And then.
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: And then I'm listening to people, especially be someone. She's
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: one of the people I've heard like express that she's
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: been she's been ubstaining, right, and she she's out loud
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: about it, but people expect her to be a loud
• 16:52
  Speaker 4: about that. Like she she's in she's talking about you know,
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: her relationship with God or whatever. But for me, people
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: expect faith based count Him from me. And one thing
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: I'm not gonna do is lie. I'm not about to
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: lie to y'all and be like, oh, yeah, I'm just
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: absent for God and I was just speaking tongs and
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: helps me.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: No, that is a lie. I've been spending to speaking tongs.
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: I've been able to read scripture, I've been able to preach,
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: pray and prophesy, and still struggled with this, this absence
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: of staining based on word alone.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: You get what I'm saying. And so it was one
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: instance where.
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: Now fast forward in January, where I tell Desert I
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: take Desert Ray my therapist and coach D. I was like, hey,
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: I wanted to reach back out to this person, and
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: I couldn't understand why I had this urge to reach
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: back out to this person. And when I clocked in
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: to work, I realized the date and the date was
• 17:57
  Speaker 4: January second, and that that point I was like, oh,
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: you've made it six months. And at that point I
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: kind of like I just suggested myself. I was like, okay, girl,
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: all right, all right, you ain't solving that now, you
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: know you couldn't you could because I, let's not get
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: it twisted, Okay. I feel like if I fully invested
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: myself into this dating world, which I am not right now.
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: There would probably be an opportunity.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: Tell me what I'm saying, you're not invested into the
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: dating world because I am not invested in I think
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: you've left that part out about the commitment that you made, right.
• 18:36
  Speaker 4: I did not say the commitment that I made, and
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: that's important, and it is important. So I made it
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: six months, right. So the backing up, so when me
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: and me and me and the Man of God were
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: still like dealing with each other and stuff like that,
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: and it was just you could tell the end was near,
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: like you you was about to you know, it was
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: about to be dead, but you just examined in the body, like, Yeah,
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: we were in that stage. And I had committed before
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: I had verbally committed to the breakup. I had committed
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: to God on June twenty eighth that I would date
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: him four year.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: On June twenty eight.
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: Twenty twenty five, I said, Lord, I'm gonna date you
• 19:21
  Speaker 4: for the four year. I don't know what that looks like.
• 19:22
  Speaker 4: I don't know what that means I'm just gonna date
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: you for a year, meaning to get to know you
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: more because I'm sick of this, like I'm sick of
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: the I just I just committed to that and then
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: let's be transparent. So that was June twenty eighth, July second,
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: we had interactions again, okay, And in that in that moment,
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: I was I was heartbroken because I had committed, like
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: genuinely committed that I would date God, which made me
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: say like, okay this, I can't do none of this
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: other stuff. I don't need the distraction, I don't need
• 20:02
  Speaker 4: let me just focus here.
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: And so.
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: That was the last time. That was the that was
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: the last time. And I'm proud of myself because there
• 20:14
  Speaker 4: have been potential distractions that have come my way in
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: this in this in this space.
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: But what has helped me.
• 20:25
  Speaker 4: Has been utilizing the friendships properly. One thing Doesiray is
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: that I was ashamed of what I was going through
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: and I didn't properly utilize my community because of the
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: shame being in the way. That's why I preached to
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: preach till the cows come home. Shame has to be
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: the nounce you cannot do shame and relationship with God.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: Come out of the relationship shame. I thought you was.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: I thought you was getting a fly something I ain't
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: gonna lie to you. I thought you so simple to
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: come out come out shame.
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: That didn't literally look like you was about to kill
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: a fly that just interrupted by thought process.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: But shame can't be any longer.
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: And so like what I'm learning now with intimacy, I'm
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: learning intimacy through my relationships with my friends that are women, right,
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: I'm learning intimacy through matching with Desiree.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: Might frustrate her, but.
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: She doesn't change her clothes and she still shows up
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: and we laugh about it. The things that I share
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: with you, guys, they're hard, like it was hard to be, like, Hey,
• 21:50
  Speaker 4: I thought about this man this morning. I feel stupid.
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: I feel stupid for thinking about this man. And we like,
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. And not to say I'm
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: a bad person or whatever for not want to think,
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: I just I don't. I don't need to think about
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: this man too much because my thought. If I let
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: my thoughts weren't rapid, my body gonna follow and I'm
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: gonna find where he is.
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: I don't want to do that. I don't.
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: I genuinely want something different, and the thing about it
• 22:18
  Speaker 4: is desiree.
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: The thing about it.
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: Is is that my truth is is that I wasn't
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: abstinent or I didn't make this decision based upon my
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: relationship with God. I made this decision based upon my
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: desperation to get out of the situation that I was in.
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: It's real.
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: I didn't make this decision to be righteous. My absentence
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: journey has nothing to do with me being righteous. It
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: has nothing to do with me, you know, I mean,
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: I won't say it's nothing my my My focal point
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: wasn't because you know what, Lord, I'm about to speak
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: and I want to be able to speak in Tom's build,
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: or I want to be in right standing with you.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: It wasn't.
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: It was I was so sick and tired of myself
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: that I was desperate for something new, and I was
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: scared because I had failed at it so many times.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: It wasn't that it wasn't attempted attempted.
• 23:15
  Speaker 4: It is the fact that I could think about the
• 23:18
  Speaker 4: times where I failed at it was that I was
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: so focused on being loved by a man and not
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: loving myself.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: I think that.
• 23:37
  Speaker 4: Intimacy, true intimacy doesn't happen without knowing who you are.
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: It's the asphrase that Bishop man Moody says. He says,
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: into me, you see, and this is so good. We
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: used that as a phrase for to talk about God
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: right into me, you see or other people intimate you see?
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: But what do you see in yourself? What do you
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: see in you that works? And what do you see
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: in you that needs need some healing or restoration? Because
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: I felt I started to feel like myself again after
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: I dismissed myself from that relationship. You know, I don't
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: have I don't have no beef, I don't have no
• 24:32
  Speaker 4: I don't have nothing bad to say.
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: I'm good, you know.
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: But the only way I could be that is if
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: I was okay with myself, and I found that I
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: was a lot. I was a lot of my anger
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: came from the frustration with me, and because I wasn't
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: looking inward, I wasn't doing intimacy with me. I thought
• 24:54
  Speaker 4: intimacy required other people, and in that in that specific relationship,
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: thought I would lose intimacy. Also if I wasn't physical
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: physical with my person.
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: I thought that.
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: Being physical with my person told me, you know, like
• 25:14
  Speaker 4: prove to them, like, hey, it's only you because I'm not.
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: I'm not outside like that, Like I've just never been
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: the outside type of girl. And if you don't know
• 25:23
  Speaker 4: what that means, that means you know, dating multiple people,
• 25:26
  Speaker 4: you know, doing stuff like you know and in bulk.
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: Not doing it in bulk.
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: I know what I was trying to say with that,
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: but just like having multiple options at one time, I'm
• 25:46
  Speaker 4: like that, I'm about to get in to you because
• 25:50
  Speaker 4: what are your thoughts on what I'm trying to say? Yes,
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: I think this is this is so good because use
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: to me, it's uh, it's why the single season is
• 26:07
  Speaker 4: such a gift, and we if we allow it to
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: be a gift. Right. Sometimes because looking inward is hard,
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: it's easier to stay busy do relationship like in and out,
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: in and out relationships, right, whether it's like uh, platonic
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: relationships you feel like you always got to have somebody
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: there da da da, or like you're danting this person
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: dating that person, You're in this relationship, be out of
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: relationship and you in another relationship versus what is the
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: relationship with yourself?
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: So what has happened is you've given yourself because you've
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: made a commitment, You've given yourself the permission and the
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: time to get to know and date yourself as well.
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: That's how we really begin to know who we are
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: is when we spend the intimate time with the Lord,
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: like he shows us who we are because we can
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: see ourselves in him as we get to know who
• 26:59
  Speaker 4: he is. And so I had had been on a journey,
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: long journey a long time, Lloyd. Please don't bless me
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: with that journey. I don't want to be blessed, you know.
• 27:13
  Speaker 4: And I was sitting here. What was interesting. I was
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: sitting here as you said, Hey, I only if I'm honest.
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: I didn't make this commitment because of it was like
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: a righteous thing. It was because I was. It was
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: this thing right here and kind of similar. Right in
• 27:28
  Speaker 4: twenty nineteen, I was in a situationship and ended up
• 27:34
  Speaker 4: getting pregnant and had a miscarriage.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: And I remember I'm saying that like I didn't know.
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: I'm screaming, And I remember the thoughts that I had.
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: It was I had been I had let my guard down,
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: like I had built this wall up where I was good.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: I didn't wanted to depend on nobody.
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: You know, I didn't want to be in these intimate
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: spaces because of the disappointment that I had felt in prior. Right,
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: So in that moment I felt shane, yeah and guilt,
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: one because of one just being praying out of we
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: loocking honest.
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: But two I was by myself.
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: I was by myself because of the decision I made
• 28:13
  Speaker 4: with the person that I had made decided to make
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: a decision with.
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: So I was like, Lord, I never and here we
• 28:20
  Speaker 4: go with these vowels, right, I never want to be
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: in this situation again where it's well, I have to
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: be in this type of situation by myself because the
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: person can't be there, yeah, or they could be there,
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: but they can't be there, right, And so I was like,
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: all right, Lord, I'm gonna wait on my Man of God, Lord,
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna do this thing your way because you know,
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: da boom. So that was honestly October of twenty twenty.
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: So when I was like.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: Locking it down, locked it down, Yeah, But it wasn't
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: like I don't know what type, I don't know what
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: I thought.
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: I don't know what I thought that meant, right, But
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: what the Lord began to do is been he began
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: to comfort some things. Right, Yeah, what I realized I
• 29:06
  Speaker 4: had a ah, a relationship with porn and masturbation. Mmmm.
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: And as I just begin to sit with myself and
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: sit with the Lord, it's stemmed from spaces of rejection
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: and loneliness. Right, So just as I don't and I
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: don't and honestly, like I ain't really starting to learning
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: about the Holy Spirit of the like that to twenty
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: twenty one. So this is not me like knowing really
• 29:30
  Speaker 4: what to do, is just me taking the space to
• 29:33
  Speaker 4: the relationship with the Lord. Like I was like, I
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: don't know, but Lord, like I got these feelings and
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: stuff like that. And as I just begin and that's
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: all I honestly like all I can say is I
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: really just begin to submit the things to the Lord.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: That's so good. That's it.
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: Like it wasn't like I knew. It's not like I
• 29:46
  Speaker 4: had some big revelation. It's like I don't know what
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: to do. So if we in relationship, what I do
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: with this? Yeah, And I just remember waking up one
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: more This is real talk. I remember waking up one
• 29:57
  Speaker 4: morning and like the desire was gone, like even the
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: desire like I used to this is and this is
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: this is just my journey with intimacy with the Lord. Yeah,
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: even my relationship with marijuana. I used to like edibles.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're now and then I.
• 30:17
  Speaker 4: May burn up a little some you know, But even
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: that desire, he just began to like snatch things away
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: as I just begin to like dig deeper into the word.
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: It wasn't like, oh, Lord, take it away. It's like
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: I kind of I like it. Yeah, you know, I
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: kind of like it. I don't know like what to
• 30:33
  Speaker 4: do with it. But it literally has been a five
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: and half almost six year journey, you know what I'm
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: saying with not really knowing but just leaning in, Like Lord,
• 30:44
  Speaker 4: I'm seeing this thing like who are you Lord? Reading
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: the scriptures, you know, listening to the word like actively
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: participating and serving and all these things. It's been this
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: journey that was supposed to be in a journey all along.
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: But in that journey, like he's dealing with me, I've
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: been able to see clear like even when it comes
• 31:03
  Speaker 4: to dating, like I had a list kind of, but
• 31:07
  Speaker 4: it was more so like oh, you know character, Yeah,
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: of the things like you know, love the Lord, have
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: a relationship with the Lord. And as I begin to
• 31:15
  Speaker 4: see who I was, my value, like I looked at
• 31:18
  Speaker 4: I was able to see men differently, like I was
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: able to like really discern what was happening in these
• 31:28
  Speaker 4: in these relational spaces, right And I was like, yeah, no,
• 31:31
  Speaker 4: he ain't it. But I don't believe that if I
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: wouldn't have valued the season of singleness and allowed the
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: Lord to do the things that he needed to do
• 31:43
  Speaker 4: learn and also me do the things I needed to do,
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: which was allow the Lord to do what he needed
• 31:47
  Speaker 4: to do, I don't think I would have been prepared
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: for what the Lord had coming. Yeah, when you were talking,
• 31:56
  Speaker 4: you brought up the porn and masturbation, and the Lord
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: reveal something new to me right in that moment. I
• 32:04
  Speaker 4: think that we don't talk about this or have the
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: space to talk about this enough. I'm super excited because
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: we're gonna we're I've reached out to someone that talks
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: about you know, sex and the church and all this
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: stuff like that. Her name is Coach to we colle
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: coach team, and she's actually a part of our community.
• 32:22
  Speaker 4: I cannot wait for y'all to experience her because we
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: gotta get comfortable with having these uncomfortable conversations because I
• 32:31
  Speaker 4: was bound for so long that because I felt like
• 32:33
  Speaker 4: I didn't have an outlet, and I was not. I
• 32:36
  Speaker 4: was always around righteous people and they were gonna give
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: me a righteous analyser. No, I need a very tangible
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: response right now. This ain't working for me. I've done
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: the scripture thing, I've done everything. And so even when
• 32:51
  Speaker 4: I hear people say, oh, I have a problem with
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: pouring and masturbation, or I had this issue and I
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: overcame it, I'll sit there and say, oh, I don't
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: I don't have the sh or whatever. But until you
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: just said that, I never had this thought the Lord.
• 33:04
  Speaker 4: So my therapist asked me straight up. She was like, hey,
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: have you been, you know, play up like.
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: Relieving yourself y'all? Have you been relieving yourself?
• 33:23
  Speaker 4: And I said, no, that's frustrating, and it's I said. I.
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: My response to her is like, no, I'm not gonna
• 33:33
  Speaker 4: say I'll tell you offline with the other part was this,
• 33:36
  Speaker 4: But the second part of my frustration is I want
• 33:40
  Speaker 4: someone else to do it right. It's nothing like having
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: a body to experience that with. And so I don't
• 33:46
  Speaker 4: want to if I tend to get frustrated. It's frustrating,
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: But the Holy Spirit just revealed to me that I'm
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: frustrated is because that's the opportunity for somebody to give
• 33:57
  Speaker 4: to me and wait, and that I'm normally the giver
• 34:07
  Speaker 4: and not the receiver. This is the level of intimacy
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: God can do when you open yourself up, like even
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: in this, in this real moment, right like something so
• 34:18
  Speaker 4: simple as I enjoy I never knew that about myself
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: until right now, until you say it, until you said,
• 34:24
  Speaker 4: oh yeah, I overcame port of masturbation or whatever, I'm like, oh,
• 34:27
  Speaker 4: I didn't have that issue. And in my mind, I'm like,
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: oh yeah, I didn't have that issue. But like, actually,
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: the reason why you don't have the issue and you
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: have more of a and I won't say issue, but
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: the opportunity it is because that is the exp you
• 34:44
  Speaker 4: get excited about somebody wanting to give you that you
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: know what I'm saying, Like, and if this was an
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: intimate conversation, like if this is I'm trying to be
• 35:02
  Speaker 4: mindful and honor where we are, but these are conversations
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: that I want to have, like in the safe space,
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: because there's more to what I just said.
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: It's more in depth, like to.
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: Really be able to pinpoint the the issue and the
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: opportunity of knowing like I'm not too good to experience that,
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: I'm not too righteous to experience experience that, and that
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: sometimes we it's certain things that we struggle with that
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: continuously comes up that like even to what I watch
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: or listen to sometimes I'm like, you know what, I'm
• 35:38
  Speaker 4: not even gonna tamper with it because I don't even
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: want to start mesmerizing. The Lord won't even allow me
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: to think about like in this space of experiences I've had,
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: I can't even dream about it, Like even when I try,
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: I ain't gonna lie even when I've tried.
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: Like, oh, it was just so amazing. It was just
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: like that he has blocked my.
• 36:01
  Speaker 4: Now now I know, I know what I know, but
• 36:05
  Speaker 4: to reexperience that in my mind, that part has been
• 36:09
  Speaker 4: blocked and so which I'm grateful for.
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: Because I need I need, I need that level accountability
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: right now in my life.
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: Okay, And so I'm telling y'all, I'm gonna celebrate my year.
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna celebrate my year, and I'm asking the Lord
• 36:28
  Speaker 4: that to not make me go.
• 36:29
  Speaker 3: Through years of this. Let's be honest, this is not
• 36:34
  Speaker 3: what I want. I do not want this. I do
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: not want this.
• 36:38
  Speaker 4: I want to be married and to be actively married.
• 36:44
  Speaker 3: I want to holy hunch. Okay.
• 36:47
  Speaker 4: I want to be righteous and right. Okay, I want
• 36:52
  Speaker 4: to be that. And I don't think that that women
• 36:58
  Speaker 4: of God should have to be in secret about the
• 37:03
  Speaker 4: things that they struggle with as far as what's going
• 37:07
  Speaker 4: on sexually. And you know what I'm saying, like that
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: really puts us in a position to sin because we
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: don't have an outlet.
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: I didn't have a I didn't necessarily I didn't think
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: I had an outlet.
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: I think that I thought that the only part part
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: of me that people wanted was the faith based part,
• 37:26
  Speaker 4: the one that was getting it right and righteous. But
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: now I'm like, hey, my thoughts, I'm having problems with
• 37:32
  Speaker 4: my thoughts right now. That's why I was proud of
• 37:34
  Speaker 4: me that day, because it was a I ain't do nothing.
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: I ain't do nothing.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: I didn't do nothing, that's the right.
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: I didn't do a thing. I ain't make I ain't
• 37:42
  Speaker 4: even doubt the first number. I didn't even search for
• 37:44
  Speaker 4: the number. You get what I'm saying, but my thoughts,
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: I'm making my thoughts accountable. And I feel like this
• 37:53
  Speaker 4: year of intimacy with the Lord is doing what it's
• 37:58
  Speaker 4: supposed to do because I'm I'm really not even like
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: my interest is gone right now. I'm more interested in
• 38:05
  Speaker 4: being the whole version of myself.
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's so good.
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: I just thinking, I don't know, like the process is
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: so necessary, you know, And and sometimes we don't want
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: to do.
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: The process because we don't know the length of the time. Yeah,
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying.
• 38:24
  Speaker 4: If Lord can be like, Okay, you're gonna go through
• 38:26
  Speaker 4: this process, this is gonna be a year, this is
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: gonna be six months, this is gonna be X, Y
• 38:30
  Speaker 4: and Z. But we don't know, you know. But what
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: we have to do is just leaning. When I don't know,
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: all I can do is just trust the Lord. Yeah,
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: Like I didn't know it was gonna, you know, be
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: five six years. You know what I'm saying, Like, I
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: know I know women who women and men yeah, who
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: have been waiting, you know, waiting waiting on their person
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: for a long time. Yeah, And that does not mean
• 38:54
  Speaker 4: it's not gonna happen. It's just I still just believe
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: it's still just the time and thing because if if
• 38:59
  Speaker 4: we believe that, I don't know if I necessarily believe
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: that there's one person for everybody, but I do believe that.
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: Timing is everything.
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: So just as much as the Lord loves you, I
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: do believe that he loves the other person, he loved
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: the other person as well.
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: So it's almost kind of like, if you got.
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: Two people that's in this journey and you know, neither
• 39:20
  Speaker 4: one of them are submitting and doing the things that
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: they're supposed to do, then naturally that's going to be
• 39:24
  Speaker 4: a delay, you know what I'm saying. But if you
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: got two people just like, hey, you know what, Lord,
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: I don't know what this is, what this looked like,
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: but I'm on a journey with you. Now, it's like
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: the ball is moving right, and the ball is moving,
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: it's some submission happening, you know, and at some point
• 39:38
  Speaker 4: it's like boom, now the time is coming.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: You cross paths to be really to be able to
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: do the.
• 39:43
  Speaker 4: Things and the will of the Lord that has already
• 39:45
  Speaker 4: been pre predestined for you to do with the person.
• 39:48
  Speaker 4: But we just got to be open to journey in
• 39:50
  Speaker 4: there and it's kind of I think about my sister.
• 39:52
  Speaker 4: She's been through a lot in relationships and things like that,
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: and she has not yet given her s up the
• 40:00
  Speaker 4: space and of time to discover who the Lord is
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: and who.
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: She is fully in the Lord.
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: So I'm excited for her because she has the will
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: to do it, the heart to do it, but you
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: still have to.
• 40:12
  Speaker 3: Make a decision to do it.
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you know what I'm saying, because the time is
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: so important, like that time with the Lord. Like and
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: it sounds like cliche, like, oh, submit to the Lord
• 40:20
  Speaker 4: and do that. It sounds really cliche, but literally it
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: is lifeline. It's literally has been my lifeline.
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I agree. I think that this has been
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: a good conversation.
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: I just wanted the Lord has been on me about
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: like just being more transparent and sharing different avenues, different
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: ways to connect with you guys, because for so long,
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: like there's levels to transparency and I really get I'm
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: until a point where it was like, don't care, don't
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: care if you know that because the Lord has already
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: covered me in Sunset Free.
• 40:55
  Speaker 3: It's free indeed, like that real freedom.
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: It really it really gets you to a place where
• 41:04
  Speaker 4: you're sounding God to the point where you don't mind sharing.
• 41:06
  Speaker 4: You don't mind sharing that you struggle with. Point the masturbation,
• 41:09
  Speaker 4: you don't mind sharing that you struggle with, you know,
• 41:11
  Speaker 4: giving yourself to somebody that's not your spouse, you don't
• 41:16
  Speaker 4: mind sharing that. And I'm over the traditional way of
• 41:20
  Speaker 4: thinking about purity and exposing what people might struggle with,
• 41:24
  Speaker 4: like my purity right now, the check sexual purity, because
• 41:28
  Speaker 4: purity is a multiple to multitude of things. But sexual
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: purity right now for me came from me being sick
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: of me than Alu Hammer has this saying that I
• 41:37
  Speaker 4: love and I will I will always baby. I love
• 41:41
  Speaker 4: this this quote. She said, I'm sick and tired of
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: being sick and tired. And this was in one of
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: her statements to I don't know if it's the press
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: or in one of her speeches, but it was regarding
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: the Silver White the rights movement. And you have to
• 41:57
  Speaker 4: understand that when you're in this space and you're the
• 42:00
  Speaker 4: and redefining what intimacy, intimacy really is and digesting what
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: what God is God is doing for you personally, you
• 42:10
  Speaker 4: will you will get to a point. It comes from
• 42:12
  Speaker 4: most point of being sick and tired of the same
• 42:15
  Speaker 4: old thing happening, experience the same thing. And so there's
• 42:19
  Speaker 4: no judgment here at all. If you need I feel
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: the Lord leading me to say, if you need accountability
• 42:24
  Speaker 4: in this area, join the safe space, Like this is
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: not even a money thing, Like just join the safe
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: space and we can talk about it, like let's talk.
• 42:32
  Speaker 4: Let's talk about Okay, girl, what what what you believe
• 42:35
  Speaker 4: that man said? You know what I'm saying, like, it's
• 42:38
  Speaker 4: not and it's not to be like discrediting me, And
• 42:40
  Speaker 4: this is not because we love our men of God. However,
• 42:43
  Speaker 4: this is to make you strong enough to do what
• 42:44
  Speaker 4: you're supposed to do in the will of the Lord.
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: And it's about your safety, it's about your sanity, it's
• 42:50
  Speaker 4: about your healing. It's about you experiencing the better version,
• 42:53
  Speaker 4: best version of you. Okay, And so I want to
• 42:57
  Speaker 4: invite you to join the safe space. I want to
• 42:59
  Speaker 4: invite you you to share this this out and come
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: in if this related to related to you in any way.
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: We have to stick together on this, like we have
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: to do well together and there's no reason to be
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: lying to each other, like we don't struggle with these
• 43:13
  Speaker 4: things and we're still trying to obey God in the process,
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: and so I hope you guys enjoy it. Desierate, thank
• 43:19
  Speaker 4: you so much for learning at your testimony. Until next time.
• 43:22
  Speaker 4: Until next week, remember life could be much more simple
• 43:26
  Speaker 4: if you just ask.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode. Since
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: you've made it this far, you might as well connect
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: with us on all social media platforms at the Jessica S.
• 43:42
  Speaker 3: Smith.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: I know I won't see you back until next week,
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: but until then, remember to love always yourself and always thank.
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: Thank God for one another day. Hey, I know we
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: could be another way. Hey, pray thank God for another day.
• 44:06
  Speaker 4: Hey.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: Hey, I'm just thankful for another day. Hey hey another day? Oh,
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: another day wise, another day to get it right, another
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: day to rise up, another day living another day. We
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: loved ones. I always remember hold it down for a
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: ball one ye