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Why Survival Mode Leaves You Emotionally Disconnected · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  What happens when you've done everything right, checked all the boxes, and still feel disconnected from yourself and the people you love? Today's conversation is for the woman who looks like she has it all together on the outside, but deep down she knows something feels off. My guest is Todd Malloy. Psychotherapist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and a certified sex therapist. He helps people move from survival mode to living a life worth celebrating. In this episode, we will talk about why so many high-achieving women hit midlife feeling emotionally exhausted, how old wounds can quietly shape our relationships and what it takes to reconnect with yourself, your voice, and your partner. And stick around because before we wrap up, Todd shares a few simple but powerful ways to start changing that today. Todd Malloy, welcome to Create the Best Me. This is an honor and a pleasure to have you on the show. Well, thank you, Carmen. Thank you so very much. I greatly appreciate it. It's an honor to be here. Thank you. So, Todd, before we get into today's amazing conversation, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who Todd is and what you do? Well, I'm a— I would consider myself eclectic.
• 1:38
  No. Well, in general, I am a person that wants to help people be the greatest person they can be for themselves. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and sexuality educator. I work with people that don't always get to manifest their truth outwardly. So what I do is I help them give themselves the permission to live their honest truth, their whole self. The reason being is that when I was a kid, life for me was seen to be fragile as far as I'm concerned. I've come through marginalized situations, oppressive situations, but saw them through. And in the midst of the despair, but also in the midst of the lessons learned, I wanted to commit myself to being a part of the solutions to the ills of society as opposed to being a part of the problem.
• 2:25
  Absolutely. So in turn, for the last 15 years, I've been in individual counseling, done some professional speaking. I've been on the board of American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, Therapists. I've done television shows, radio, things of that nature, but it's all around people living a life worth celebrating.
• 2:50
  That is beautiful. And the reason I invited you onto this show is because, one, because you're an expert in the topic we're going to talk about. Well, thank you. It is how high-achieving women tend to have all the boxes checked. Everything seems to be in line.
• 3:14
  But then suddenly, it's not in line. And the reason why it's not in line is because they perhaps could be running on survival, chronic survival mode, and lose that connection with those that they are most intimate with, whether it be their spouse, or their family members, or their children.
• 3:39
  Yeah, so I'm very familiar with that. I work with a lot of that demographic from an individual perspective and relationships? It really depends on a lot— on a lot of factors. Number one, the— that if they're even happy with themselves. Even high-achieving women that seem to have accomplished everything that one could imagine, there, there's a symptom of imposter syndrome and really not valuing. It's, it's really interesting, you know, when I meet a person, they're very accomplished, they're dressed to the nines, and you're talking, and if you ask this person, do they value themselves, They'll usually say yes. But then when you start asking them, they start asking deep diving questions, you start talking about the family of origin, you find that there's still insecurities or traumas that they've experienced as children that haven't been addressed. And therefore, it has a rippling effect throughout the other aspects of life. Because remember, think about this, nobody teaches us how to live.
• 4:42
  We're taught to be students, professional, law enforcement, military personnel. Right.
• 4:47
  After that, you got parts, I got parts, we throw them together, hope for the best. As women are maturing and growing, they're— and I've even had conversations like this— even their mothers aren't talking to them about, uh, perimenopause, menopause, or postmenopause. And so therefore, when they're going through it, they're in shock.
• 5:06
  They're having a number of relationship challenges because then— and unfortunately, me being a guy, it's kind of embarrassing saying this— when, when women talk about postpartum or or menopause, premenopause, things of that nature. That's not true, they're just being testy. Then I, then I have to go, no, no, this is real. There are hormonal imbalances, there are all of these things that are creating cognitive fog and things of that nature. But, but again, it's, it's unique. There are some generalities, but it's unique to the situation.
• 5:36
  It also talks about if they're happy in the relationships they've already been, because as people mature through life and they reinventing themselves, decisions we made in the 20s and 30s, we may not connect with the person as well. And unless we are being very intentional about how we live and how we grow, there can become divides and disconnects. And God forbid if someone happens to pass away, a partner passes away, and then they have to reenter the dating scene, then that could be, you know, you've been married 20, 30 years, even before there was the swiping and apps and all of these things and trying to maneuver that.
• 6:14
  Even for myself is complex to the point where I'll do it the old-fashioned way.
• 6:22
  Exactly. So how does a woman know? Because it— I mean, I have noticed a trend that this usually starts to happen right around midlife. How does she know that she is running on survival mode? And that survival mode could be connected with being disconnected, you know, being emotionally disconnected? Well, they know that basically where they're at in life, they're not happy.
• 6:51
  They're— when you have— I've checked all of the boxes, you know, I have the pretty, you know, I'm physically fit, I have a college degree, I have advanced degrees, I'm the professional, I've grown up to projecting, but then it's like, is this all there is? But in the midst of all of the accolades achieving, they're not— there's not an intentionality in the personal life and intimate life because we're so, so accustomed to achieving, having, being the pretty picture, achieving perfect FICA scores, but we're not taking care of our emotional wellness. And most of the time, most of us mask traumas, pains, hurts. And one of the things is about, for women particularly, they suffer in silence. And no one teaches us really how to articulate our feelings and emotions because when we're kids, you're supposed to be seen and not heard. When you get a little older, you're told if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. And then when you get a little older, you got to be politically correct or your socioeconomic situation is being challenged.
• 7:53
  When does anybody say connect to your own experience, value it enough to put a voice to it, and that the environment will adjust that you have an inner peace? They don't, whether consciously Subconsciously, we're taught we have to go along to get along. We try that for as long as we can, and then midlife shows up, and we're looking at the meaning of life. And that we found that we were listening to the elders, which is fine. We listen to our parents, we listen to our grandparents about who we should be. But then when we get to midlife, we recognize we live in the future, and the people that were giving us information didn't even have a frame of reference for what would be in the future.
• 8:30
  So therefore, there's a disconnect between who I'm evolving and who I was raised to be. And in turn, now that starts the questions of sending people to therapy, doing some internal work. Unfortunately, some people just accept the mediocrity and just live being miserable, unfortunately, because that's an option, not a requirement. And it seems like it's easier to do, to just accept it and just move along and become isolated. Correct. Because people say, well, at least it's the demon I know.
• 9:07
  However, you know, my thing is, but mediocrity is a choice, not a requirement. And the point is, is if you're already 45 and you're already saying, is this all there is?
• 9:20
  You know, I believe I'm going to live to 120, but I'm like, but there's still a long period of time for that same mindset.
• 9:28
  And that within itself could be torment alone.
• 9:32
  So why not continue to reinvent yourself? Because throughout life, there's always new normals. And I have to explain that because think about this, you mentioned earlier you were married. And when you guys got married, let's assume 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, the mere fact is that now we're 20, 30 years down the road, we're different people. And how many of us are really paying attention as we're having these epiphanies through life, as we're becoming more aware of who we are, what we want, what our likes, dislikes are? How are we communicating that with our partners in order to keep them abreast of where we are so we can stay on the same page? But what happens is because we're not talking, we're not communicating the shifts and the changes, we were canonized to who we first met, but now the divide begins. And unless we're intentional about bringing that together and not make the system of rearing children, the functionality of having a successful home, focus less on the business aspects and more of the emotional connection. Because it's the emotional connection that started the system. It's the emotional connection and the strength of the bond between the two people that will actually hold up the system. However, if they're not connected, you have issues, if that made sense. Makes a lot of sense. But sometimes I think that some people might use the excuse that, well, he doesn't understand me because we're in different type of occupations, professional occupations. So why discuss where my vision or where I'm going with him because he just doesn't get it? Right. But the question is, how have you communicated it? Are you an effective communicator? And, and how oftentimes people— it's interesting for me personally because I find that people don't ask the question they want. They ask the question they think is appropriate for the other person. For example, I have too many people say, well, I don't want to say it because I don't want to hurt the other person's feeling, or I can't say it. So they truncate and they distort their language Because they're more concerned about the emotional well-being of the other than the truth of their experience. However, I have to always share, no one chooses the impact of another person.
• 11:54
  Right? When I have a conversation, I understand the underpinning and what my motive and intent is. It doesn't mean that the other person will get it.
• 12:02
  So therefore, when there's a disconnect, what you usually have to do is say, hey, so what did you hear me say? And then say, ah, you got about 80% of it. And then you say, well, hey, that— those pieces are correct. However, let me fill in what— let me fill in what you missed. Oftentimes we start talking, we get frustrated, then we shut down.
• 12:25
  But instead of shutting down, fight, advocate for yourself, advocate for the relationship. Because in turn, when you don't do that, the thought is, well, let me save the relationship because I don't want fight. But what's going to happen is you erode it and build up resentment and bitterness. So long-term, it erodes because it's going to show up. Somebody spills the milk, now somebody act like you set the house on fire because we have all that pent-up frustration, bitterness, things we didn't talk about. So now when something simple happens, we're way over the top. But I mean, do you ever find that some clients that you work with that Maybe the person, the, you know, the person who is releasing the information or trying to communicate the information to the other party might start to say something and they don't get to finish saying what they're saying so that, you know, there's clarity. And the spouse might jump in and start asking, saying, you know, providing a response. Oh, right.
• 13:26
  Correct. But that means that the person really hasn't heard you.
• 13:30
  The person is perceiving what the conversation is. So therefore, you know, and I do this personal. I say, excuse me, please hold on. My lips are still moving. Please wait for me to finish. Because again, you're assuming by— and this is— a lot of people do this. It's a standpoint of, for those people that grew up particularly in the trauma of emotional neglect, Mm-hmm.
• 13:56
  They look outwardly to see how to fit in and perform and meet your needs. So as a kid, you're trying to jump meet everybody's needs so you don't get disciplined and so forth. But that habit continues throughout life. So now we're anticipating what people say. And because we become adults and we achieve certain things, we think our perception is 100% accurate, but we're deceived in thinking that. So in turn, we're not so The person that's the initial communicator really has to request that the other person say, hold on, let me finish my statement first. I appreciate that you want to respond, but it's very important that I articulate myself clearly and make sure that we can communicate. For example, even in the office, what I ask my clients to do is to, number one, wait for the person to finish. But if they don't, then you say, excuse me, I'd really appreciate finishing. It's very important to me.
• 14:52
  Because when you talk over me, it almost seems like you're dismissing me and you don't want to hear what I'm saying. Because in the midst of communicating, we have to teach people how to communicate with us because nobody instinctively knows. As I share with couples, you have to teach people how to love you. If you assume that they know automatically, you set yourself up to be mishandled and you set them up to fail. How is it that I can spend every day of my life with me, but I have to But I'm assuming someone that just met me knows how to perfectly care for me. If you see me and the way that I present at times is I could be considered a bull in a china shop, but I'm actually a fine piece of china. But if I don't introduce it, people will actually meet the bear in me as opposed to the best part of me because they may have come aggressively. I think I'm under attack. However, but if they just slowly approach me and talk to me Simply, hey, how are you? Because again, I'm a fine piece of china, not a bull, even though I'm 6'5, 240 pounds. And the reason I brought that up was because we take our work-type communication and bring that home. So, let's say, for example, you're a lawyer. Lawyers just want the facts. Just give me the facts. Don't tell me a story. And so if you're married to a lawyer, you might start to explain or say what you need or the message you're trying to convey. And the lawyer thinks you're already done because they just want the Cliff Notes. Right. But I don't know that that's not fair. And you mentioned it in the It's interesting because a couple I saw this week, guy's married to— his wife is a lawyer, and he feels he's always under interrogation. He feels he's always being deposed.
• 16:56
  So it definitely happens. However, in the midst of all of that though, again, first I start off with, in a situation like that, to love someone means— Scott Peck in 1978 said, to love someone means to step outside of your comfort zone for the benefit Of yourself and your partner. So to love someone, you really have to protect them from you and themselves. That means you know yourself well enough to know your dysfunctions, so you mitigate them or minimize them, but also know them to prevent them from self-sabotaging. Because too oftentimes we want people to meet us where we are, but in truth, we should meet people— meet the other person where they are.
• 17:40
  Because I have 16 letters by my name and all of these other things. So if I, you know, sometimes my clients have to say, okay, smaller word.
• 17:53
  Then I translate, then I'd make the translation.
• 17:56
  But I can't expect people to be where I am. I have to meet the person where they are. And we have to have an empathy and start off with the benefit of the doubt. We can never judge a person for where they are because we weren't there when they got started. So again, it's about openness and willing to work with the person. You have to work with your audience. And I recognize that we've invested so much time and attention into our professional lives.
• 18:21
  But remember, our professional lives are strictly business.
• 18:25
  It's a very monolithic system. A relationship is a very complex system because it is business, but then you got love, emotions, and all those other good things. So, but focus is— we focus our maximum attention on the business. We go to college, we read journals, we get certification, but we wing the more complex system. What if we were just as intentional in our personal lives as we were in our professional lives and take into account the people we're in relationship with so we can be relevant in our own situation?
• 18:59
  It's an unwillingness to grow, an unwillingness to be opened and hear. is a dysfunction, is a problem, is a challenge, and will actually destroy and not build.
• 19:12
  But I've— at least I think, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, that sometimes when we come home from work, you know, we've done more than 100% at the office, and we come home, there's like very little energy left To be able to give that same amount of energy into the relationships we have at home.
• 19:39
  But then what you do is it's a structure. What we do is we talk about a structure. There was a time I worked, uh, about 3 minutes from my home, and I had a wife and 4 kids at the time. So, you know, it was exciting when I went home.
• 19:56
  But 3 minutes wasn't enough drive time for me to decompose and so forth. But I recognized when I came home, I was a gloomy Gus. And then, they're coming to me all happy and so forth. So, what I did was I shared. I came home because I recognized that wasn't the right thing to do.
• 20:14
  Obviously, by the response I got when I got home, that we did a structural change. And what I do in my office is work with people about creating a structure. That based on your lifestyle and how you work, you say, in particular situations similar to mine, I would say, hey, I need about 30 minutes just to unwind. Give me a second. I'll go upstairs. I walk in the house. I walk upstairs.
• 20:41
  It's 30 minutes. But in 29 minutes, I get up. So, by 30 minutes, I am right downstairs. You roll on the floor. You do all of those things. And, I recognize a lot of us feel like we always have to be on demand, particularly women, because they're focused on their self-care, they're focused on the professional life, they're focused on parenting children, making sure they get to where they are. They're concerned about their partners.
• 21:09
  Then they're oftentimes, good, bad, or indifferent, key parts of just managing the family system. So for women, Slowing her brain down is very important.
• 21:21
  So in with all of that, that's where you talk about the structure of how we do things and say, hey, these are my needs. Hey partner, these are my needs. And let's create a system that works for both of us as opposed to competing competition. This is how my house was done.
• 21:35
  This is how my parents did it. Doesn't matter because neither of your parents live in the house. So blow up those constructs and create something unique to your situation. Such that you're always relevant in the house you're in. Do you find that a lot of times maybe people sort of bring the skills that were in the household into their own household and maybe they didn't have good communication skills there, or maybe there was emotional disconnection that took place? in the household. How can someone— I mean, it happens in midlife.
• 22:13
  How can someone at midlife suddenly learn new communication skills, learn emotional development or emotional attachment with the people they want, you know, that they love? Well, let's think about this. And absolutely, the simple answer is they should go to therapy.
• 22:34
  Why? And I want to say it's— and I say it that way for this reason. When we think about it, we have— we all have a mechanic that we take our car to. Some of us have yardmen. We have— we may have a housekeeper. We have the school we go to.
• 22:49
  You have your doctor, you have your gynecologist, you have all these people.
• 22:53
  But when it comes to a success team, I really think you should also have a therapist to address the communication issues, the life issues, because there's always new normals happening at— in a relationship and in one's life. There's always things changing. I didn't always have gray hair. There are always things changing. But the importance of having a therapist or a mental health provider is because think about this, if your mind isn't right, everything's cloudy.
• 23:20
  Your brain maneuvers, reflects how you see life and so forth. So if my mind is not right, therefore, very few things I do would be successful because it's distorted. How do I get to a real solution with distorted or diluted information. So therefore, my mental well-being, my emotional well-being should be at the top of my list in creating an environment that's talking to my partner, learning to be honest, present, honest, sincere in every moment, as opposed to caring about the other person's feelings. Because we don't choose the impact, the other person does. It's to stand 10 toes down in your truth. and just reveal the truth. And then if there's a disconnect, hey, I apologize for whatever part I did in confusing you in my message, but can you be open to my truth?
• 24:12
  Because that was not my intent. My intent is this. And if you can let go of your perception, hold on to my truth, we would be in a better situation. Did that make sense? Do you find that— it does make sense. Do you find that maybe some people might say, oh, well, you don't You know, oh, you're going to go see a therapist because you're going through a midlife crisis. But then that's where you say, no, that's a part of my success team, because life changes are happening. For example, I even have couples that have been married over 50 years because they've never been 80 together, and they have medical issues, and they're dealing with their own sense of value and so forth. So new normals are coming. So as opposed to yielding to the stereotypes and the stigmas of society.
• 24:57
  Empower yourself to live your truth and create and surround yourself with all of the tools necessary for you to have a life worth celebrating so you can thrive as opposed to survive.
• 25:09
  Why? No one's asking permission for you to live.
• 25:13
  So why are you worrying about whatever people think when they're not asking you what you think? That's true. But, you know, did you ever find that maybe sometimes, The woman might say, you know what, I'm gonna go see a therapist because I need, I need to become me again. And they want to encourage the partner to do it. But the partner is totally like, no, I'm not gonna go see a therapist. There's nothing wrong with me.
• 25:39
  It's all you. Then what I share with them oftentimes is, we're going to work on you and you're going to maximize who you are. We're going to deal with family of origin issues, relationship issues, and periodically invite the partner in that may or may not come. But in the midst of this, I always share with them there's— because ultimately, even though they want to be successful in their relationships, they have a personal need to feel whole. So what it is, is that we're going to work together as an individual to allow you to maximize who you are. You will continue to reintroduce yourself to your partner. Should they become a part of the process, or do your best to do it at home. But once you've done your best, there's not much left, and they have to choose whether they still want to be with you with the new caveats, the new boundaries, the new expectations you have, or not. But the other person— be strong enough to allow them to make whatever decision they want. Why? Because no matter what happens, the individual is at their greatest self. And then no matter what happens, whether the person stays or doesn't, you're whole to do whatever you want and live the field of possibilities that you've always wanted.
• 26:55
  And what happens if— Can I, just to be clear, I'm not saying that they grow to throw the other person away. You grow and you offer the opportunity to the other person to share in this new quality of life with me. But you give them autonomy to choose if they want to be there or not. Because ultimately, you should only want who wants you. That's very true.
• 27:19
  Do you find that maybe she's working on her— I'm going to just say hypothetically, she's working on herself.
• 27:27
  She's seeing a therapist. The therapist is helping her discover who she is, build boundaries, all this stuff. And then she comes home and he wants sex and she's like, really?
• 27:43
  You want sex? You know, you're not doing anything, or, or there, there's that lack of an emotional connection.
• 27:51
  So it's just like, you just want sex. Correct. Oh, yeah, no, but that, that happens quite often. But then therefore, then it turns into a discussion. And those are the hard conversations that we'll begin to have to determine if we can stay together or not. Because again, as a matter of fact, it's the— I have a young woman who's just out of 40s now. She's been with the same person since she was 18.
• 28:16
  However, she recognized there's no emotional connection. She doesn't feel she's been treated well. So he's been pursuing her and she's like, I have no sexual interest. And then he kept pursuing, kept pursuing. And she said, no, I'm turned off. They vent— and matter of fact, they were part— they did connect maybe about a week ago.
• 28:35
  And she said it would— I had— she said, Todd, I just did it out of duress. But she said, it was not a good experience for me, and I recognize that I am done with this person.
• 28:46
  So I am not even going to put myself in that position anymore.
• 28:50
  I'm going to ask him to leave.
• 28:54
  So there's no way of rebuilding or regaining that emotional connection? Well, there are ways to regain the emotional connection, but there's one key factor. You got to want to.
• 29:10
  That want-to gene. Because in this particular case of the client I'm talking about, after 18 years of infidelity, 18 years of a number of other things, that it was done as far as she's concerned.
• 29:25
  Because she had been giving him opportunity, opportunity, opportunity.
• 29:29
  But now at 40, she's saying, I've given you 22 years and you're still doing what you did at 18. You're still doing it at 40.
• 29:44
  Mm-hmm. Therefore, she's giving herself permission to value herself enough to say ouch.
• 29:52
  Yeah, that, that's understandable. I mean, you know, in my opinion. Right now, but hear me. But the sad thing is, is that I also had a woman married who had been having sexual pain, dyspareunia, vaginal pain during sex for 8 years and never told her partner.
• 30:15
  Women too oftentimes suffer in silence and play the good girl, or for whatever reasons, but at the detriment. And then when they do come to midlife, want to change some things, it's hard because the other person is saying, hey, a precedent has already been set here, and now you're trying to be brand new, or you want to be brand new and you want me to shift. And sometimes it's hard.
• 30:41
  But again, when you love someone, it's about yielding and surrendering, not about drawing lines.
• 30:49
  That's true. Yeah. Um, do you, um, so how do you help these women communicate? Like, for example, the woman who had been going through pain for 8 years so that she's able to communicate to her partner in a way that's not offensive, but just bringing them in and letting them know, hey, you know what, here's why it's hard for me. Okay. Oh, very— first and foremost, it's always start with a soft start. Dear, I love you. I appreciate our relationship and the many layers in the years we've been together. However, over time, I've recognized some things and I want to talk to you to improve who we are, not destroy us, but improve who we are.
• 31:38
  Start off with a soft start and the positive intent of the conversation. Why? Because in the event it shifts, you can always caveat back, uh-uh, remember, timeout. This is a positive conversation. This is about us building and connecting, not about us destroying. So then that takes the guard down on the other person to facilitate The better communication. Also, one of the things, because no one teaches us how to communicate, and in my office I teach a concept of being present, honest, sincere in every moment, that instead of hearing communication, you hear it, then you respond. Or you have— you hear information, you're impacted, you have a perception, then you respond. Yeah.
• 32:27
  I slow people down. First, I want to hear the information, particularly when we're talking about harder, more difficult adult conversation. We're saying that we'll start off with a soft start. We'll do that. But we connect to our experience first. You're talking to me right now. I don't feel any threat or harm. So I'm comfortable. So we're talking.
• 32:52
  However, but the moment you say something and all of a sudden I feel adverse, so I feel some angst with it, then I'll say, Carmen, are we still talking or am I under attack? I'm not— I'm confused about what's happening here right now.
• 33:07
  So before I pick an emotion, I'm going to request clarity so I respond appropriately. Did that make sense? Yes. What it is is I connect because feelings deceive us. We respond to words and environment, people in our environment, more than we do the words. Because if I, for example, if I say, Carmen, it's snowing outside, and you look outside and you see it's snowing, you say, brrr, it's snowing. But where'd you get a chill from in a warm room? It's the remembrance of being in the snow. Well, that happens while we're communicating. Facial expressions, tones of voice, and things of that nature, based on the house you come through— come from, maybe have different meanings than other houses.
• 33:47
  So you seeing someone from And no disrespect. Stereotyping is so— let's— I'll just do it this way. If a person talks with their hands, you talk with your hands, but the person you're talking to have been in an abusive situation, you may make them nervous.
• 34:03
  So therefore, even though it's never your intent to harm them, that you may see a distress on them and you're not— and it is conflicting because it's not consistent with what your intent is.
• 34:14
  That's when you just stop and ask for clarity. As opposed to coming up or disregarding, dismissing their experience.
• 34:22
  Did that make sense? It makes a lot of sense. But start from, from the impact, not processing of the impact. Because typically, if you— when we're in relationship and somebody says something that hurts our feelings, then we kind of lean our head a little bit and say, if this is what we're doing, we're going to hurt each other's feelings. Well, I got some stuff to say too. As opposed to, as opposed to, hey, hold on, what are we doing here? I know you love me. I know you care about me. But right now, I can't find it or see it. So before we move any further in this conversation, please help me find it.
• 35:00
  I like that. The soft start, asking for clarity works.
• 35:07
  Highlighting the positive intention of your conversation all up front. Those 3 steps will facilitate healthier communication.
• 35:15
  And the key point is to slow down. Don't be in a rush to get it. Oftentimes we're talking back and forth and everybody's just talking, but we're not slowing down to say, hey, let's make sure we're having the same conversation. And I use the term love. People say, well, I love you.
• 35:29
  But if you ask 10 people, you'll get 10 definitions. Too oftentimes people use words And we put our definition of the word on it to add meaning. But sometimes we should ask the other person. It says, hey, when you say you love me, what does that actually mean?
• 35:45
  Because my definition of love and yours may be different. So I just— when you say love, how does that— what does that really mean? When you say okay, what does that really mean? Are you accepting it? Are you dismissing me? What are you doing? Because depending on what you mean will determine how I feel and how I'll respond.
• 36:05
  We should slow down and ask for more clarity because it allows us to be more efficient and more effective. Less cleanup, less mess. Yeah. And I think something important here to address is that just because the other person's definition of love is different than yours doesn't mean— Doesn't make it wrong. Correct. It's just different.
• 36:27
  But if I get the clarity, then I can connect to it. But I have to understand it to connect to it. So I'm asking for the clarity such that you may use different words, you may have different— but if it resonates well with me because I'm connected to my spirit and my— the truth of my experience, then we, then we can still work together. But if it's distorted and way off base from, from anything that resonates well, then I know that's a red flag and go in the other direction.
• 36:57
  That's true. But until we slow down, connect to our own experience, and live in the truth of it, that will allow us to have healthier relationships and better communication.
• 37:09
  Do you find that sometimes it's hard for one party to slow down because of their childhood environment or how they grew up? Well, how you grew up. But again, the— you know, there's an old adage, it's wrong, that says you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
• 37:29
  But the truth is, you being an adult means you have the autonomy to change, because only children don't have power, because children have to ask permission, adults don't. So the key point is, do you want to change? Because if you actually love a person enough, that means you'll surrender to stretching and growing. And the question is, if you don't want to grow outside of your box, do you love more than you. Because if you only love in your comfort zone, you have to question if that's love at all.
• 37:59
  That's self-preservation. Sounds more like self-preservation than love. It does. Tell me about a success story, someone that, um, just came to you and said, you know what, Todd, I'm lost. People say I'm going through a midlife crisis. I don't think I'm going through a midlife crisis. I'm successful. I've accomplished all these things, but my marriage is gone. It's gone. And I don't even feel connected with my kids. Someone who came to you and just almost felt like their whole life is scrambled, but they were able to turn that around. Right.
• 38:43
  Yes. Matter of fact, she— the woman was 52 years old.
• 38:48
  She came to me— actually, she came to me to talk about her relationship and how her husband was. And I shared with her that— I shared with her that your husband's not here, so we can't talk about him, but you're here, so let's talk about you. And, and all the things she was saying about her husband, and I said, okay, That sounds how it sounds, but why are you tolerating it?
• 39:16
  Who taught you that it was okay to be handled, mishandled, not respected, not valued the way that you want to? And then she slowly looked down. Now, the unique thing in this particular case is I had seen this client some years before. I never forget a face. We have— I happened to be at a social event, and there was this one woman that everybody else was having a good time, but this one woman was just being the busy bee, just making sure everybody was taking— she was having a miserable time.
• 39:47
  She wasn't happy on her face and so forth. And she was— her husband was in there celebrating, but she was being a facilitator.
• 39:55
  So I said, ma'am— now this woman has a PhD, and she's at the top of her career, top of the pinnacle. She's not happy financially. She— her husband defrauded money from, from her, the whole nine.
• 40:11
  And when she came looking for a husband, a relationship, I said, no, we're going to focus on you and live your truth. And she said, well, first of all, I'm a full-figured woman and I want to have a holistic health business. However, nobody's gonna— nobody's gonna want to pay attention to me because I don't fit the picture. So in turn, she created a health regimen. She did the talk therapy.
• 40:33
  She recognized that even though her parents had been married forever and still married to this day, that she recognized that she was reared to be a part of a generation that doesn't exist anymore. She was married that Patsy Cline, Stand By Your Man mindset, but she had, hey, there's some caveats, but if your man isn't isn't valuing you, respecting you, you may want to do some things differently.
• 41:02
  Then, for example, as she began to work out, as she began to walk and meditate and journal and connect to her thoughts and understand the wounds of her childhood, her husband would attempt to sabotage her, bring food in the middle of the night, cake and cookies at 1 in the morning, You know, all of these different things. Meanwhile, she's pleading with him to understand and to join her journey. However, then she got to the point where she came to understand she wanted to go into business. She wanted to retire.
• 41:36
  She retired— wait a minute— and walked into her passion, took a career job that was excellent into a multi-million dollar business, and now, and in turn, has decided After a long time, she decided— we worked together for about 5 years. She decided maybe 3 years in she was going to get a divorce, probably waited 4 and a half years for it to happen. But then now she's living her best life. She's happy, she's excited, she has a thriving business. She retired as an educator, now has a thriving natural health business.
• 42:14
  And is happy. She stays connected. She's still in therapy quarterly just for regular maintenance, but she's living her best life because she's understood her truth.
• 42:26
  She shared her truth with her partner. She, she wanted to share her new self with this new awareness, this new awakening. He wanted the old person.
• 42:34
  She said, I couldn't be the old person anymore. Therefore, she loved herself enough to do what was right for her.
• 42:42
  And in turn, surprisingly enough, she had 2 daughters. And her daughters actually affirmed her because they saw how happy she was, and they appreciated the autonomy she showed, which strengthened them in the process to make hard choices and decisions. So she built— she became her authentic self, she built boundaries, and she influenced The younger generation to— Correct. You can do this too. Correct. Because again, think about this, particularly with women. The life you live is mimicked by your children.
• 43:22
  Children see what you do more than they hear what you say.
• 43:27
  So be careful of the message you're teaching.
• 43:31
  That's very true. We always say they pick up the bad stuff, not the good stuff.
• 43:38
  Correct. They know where all the liquor is. They know where you hide all your treats. They know when you're intimate or not. They know it all.
• 43:48
  My kids surprised me one day and said, hey, y'all are too— could y'all cut that down? Y'all take too long. I'm like, oh God.
• 44:01
  Todd, for the woman that is either watching or listening right now and says, I like what Todd is saying. I want some of that. What are the 3 things? What are the 3 pieces of advice that you would give her so that she can— Find happiness, become authentic. start to grow in the way that she was supposed to grow? So first, in order to be free, there are 2 pre— as far as I'm concerned, there are 2
• 44:32
  precursors to freedom: being honest with yourself and honest with your environment. So number one is to start being honest with yourself, and that can begin by just journaling and really starting to tell you the truth.
• 44:48
  precursors to freedom: But then as you're journaling and doing a brain dump, That opens the mind to creativity, but now you can process through what you journaled to find healthy solutions that resonate best with you. But also begin to ask yourself, what is your why for wanting what you want?
• 45:09
  precursors to freedom: Because your why would be your motivation.
• 45:14
  precursors to freedom: Why, why are you embarking on this?
• 45:19
  precursors to freedom: With your why, with your journaling, to, to dig and find out about yourself and challenge what was taught to you versus what your truth is.
• 45:28
  precursors to freedom: Then, and then it's easy to build a plan and move forward. That's your 1, 2, 3. Understanding freedom begins with being honest with yourself, honest with your partner, because again, you can't use distorted or diluted information and get to a real solution. Interesting. So that's probably the hardest part. You know, the famous Bishop Jakes used to say, the biggest enemy we have is the enemy in us. But once we're willing to face ourselves, we'll be just fine.
• 45:58
  precursors to freedom: So facing yourself, understanding your why, and journaling. If you do those 3 things, that'll give you an awareness and awakening. I have someone doing it now. I've met Yesterday. And they said when they began to journal and really journal third person, they were journaling third person. What I had them do was pretend you're a critic at a movie theater and you're watching the movie of your life and you're watching the main character. And I want you to identify the experiences and the impact that individual is having throughout life. Why? Because in your earlier life, you don't have a full frame of reference to see it properly. So therefore, the narrative did not settle properly in the brain and could have a rippling adverse or negative impact going forward.
• 46:46
  precursors to freedom: But by going through it, now I'm reading between the lines and I'm starting to see, and I can let myself go of some shame and guilt because recognizing, hey, there was nothing wrong with the child. The environment was dysfunctional.
• 46:59
  precursors to freedom: And now why let that yuck— why carry the weight of that yuck? when that yuck never belonged to me in the first place?
• 47:06
  precursors to freedom: That provides the clarity and the autonomy and the self-empowerment. And now when you've been shrunk in a box and recognize the box you've been shrunk in, then you fly out of there like a bat out of Hades and say, I won't do that anymore.
• 47:22
  precursors to freedom: Very good. And here's a burning question I've been wanting to know the answer to.
• 47:27
  precursors to freedom: What is Toddism? Toddism is, is a
• 47:30
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: we're intentional with our careers, but we're not intentional in our personal life. It's really about challenging us to be equally as intentional in our personal life as we are in our professional life.
• 47:45
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: And then by also understanding what we believe and challenging what we believe and asking ourselves why, why do we believe— for example, When I ask women to define womanhood, they look at it based on what they were taught by people that came before them. But then I always ask them, how is that relevant to you and the truth of your experience and who you are today?
• 48:09
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: And then they said, hmm, why have— why have a standard that's not relevant to who you are? Because that keeps you in a state of feeling less than, as opposed to adjusting your truth to the truth of your experience. Because womanhood at 18 ain't womanhood at 30, ain't womanhood at 40, ain't womanhood at 50.
• 48:29
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: So if you canonize it into one standard, it won't be relevant. You more often than not, you won't be relevant in your own situation.
• 48:37
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: There in itself is an emotional turmoil.
• 48:42
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: That's true. Yeah. So the purpose of Toddism is to challenge people to think. and to understand their why and be intentional about creating a life worth celebrating on their terms, that you do it in your most authentic self, not the pre-programmed self.
• 48:58
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: Because people fail to recognize our first intimate partner is our family of origin. And before, before our prefrontal— before the conscious mind is, is developed, the subconscious mind that determines our actions and behaviors is already being fed However, but you have no say in that. It's not until you get older, you leave home. Now it's really, that's just a baseline to begin your exploration and wonder, to experience life on your terms. I like Toddism.
• 49:31
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: Thank you.
• 49:35
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: Todd, where can people learn more about you? And do you work with people that are not in North Carolina?
• 49:43
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: Uh, yes, actually, I've, I've, I kind of work globally, um, fortunately, with insurance companies and the laws that tell you you can work for people all over, all over the country because of virtual, uh, virtual technology. But I have HIPAA-approved technology.
• 49:58
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: But also, I'm in private practice as a, as a therapist, sex therapist and sexuality educator. So I work with individuals, couples, and families. But the best way to contact me is at Todd You'll get all— that'll have how to contact me directly, all social media links, and so forth. So toddmalloy.com will take you there for Toddisms or anything else that you're looking for. Great.
• 50:24
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: Todd, thank you so much for coming on the show. I will include links to every way that people can get a hold of you so that they can have the experience Or they can learn to experience that Taoism in their life. Thank you. I appreciate that.
• 50:40
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: I'm honored. Thank you so very much for having me. I look forward to meeting you again. Thank you. Take care. If you've been feeling like you've held everything together for everyone else while quietly losing touch with yourself, I hope this conversation reminded you that it's not too late to choose something better. Todd shared a heartfelt and insightful view on survival mode, emotional disconnection, communication, and what it truly means to start living more intentionally. Now you know that a life worth celebrating doesn't have to be perfect. It just begins with honesty and authenticity. If you would like to learn more about Todd Malloy Or connect with him, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep175.
• 51:36
  philosophy really of being intentional. Think about this: And if this episode encouraged you, please share it, subscribe, and come back next week for another amazing episode created just for you. Until then, keep dreaming big, take care of yourself, and remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself. Thank you for watching. Catch you next week. Bye for now.