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From Homeless to Hopeful, A Comedian's Journey Through Beverly Hills. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Life got real hard for me after all that.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I became homeless.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was homeless in a motherfucker, boy.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was crazy too because I was like classy homeless.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I kept my nails done, kept my hair done, and I stayed with baby wipes.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: So bitch, stay fresh.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Cuz I didn't want people to know that I was homeless.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to be in my little Geo Metro.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: That shit was packed out.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I was classy with mine.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I slept in real nice places.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I lived in Beverly Hills, bitch.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Kept it classy.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Slept on Doheny, I slept on Rodeo.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean Rodeo.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'd be on Canon.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Police would come every morning about seven.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: They would make me move.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was like an alarm clock.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was cool.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's why I pay taxes.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, police.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and get this money.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Try to make it happen.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I remember I used to pull up to the comedy club to do jokes, because that's where I was happy at.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Downstage, that's my happy place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I always pull up to the comedy club and I would get like free meals and drinks and stuff, so it was dope.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I stay eating and I pull up to the club and I always pull up like five or ten minutes late so the other comedians could see all the shit in my car and clown me because they would.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: They would clown the fuck out my ass.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: One night I pulled up late and I was doing this show at the Laugh Factory.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And Kevin Hart used to be on the show too.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And he pulled up right behind me.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And a part of me just wanted to hide in the car, just tuck myself and just hide.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I need to get in, so got out the car, started walking in.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, yo, Haddish, what the fuck's still all that shit in your car?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, boy, please, I'm just in between houses.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Mind your business.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, What's going on with you, Tiff?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nothing.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, mind your money, you know, like when something really going on, you get a little at a time.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I said, mind your business, nigga.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, after the show, we're gonna have a conversation.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: We need to talk, right?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was trying to like dip up out of there after the show.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: He caught me though.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Tiffany, tell me what's up.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, man, I'm I'm just I'm homeless right now, but I'm gonna be alright.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm strong, I'll be fine.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I got my own, I got, I got a roof over my head.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a geo, but I'm good.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm straight.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Tiff, like you a pretty girl.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You a pretty girl.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you not staying with somebody?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can stay with somebody.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong with your pussy?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, really, so if I was an ugly chick, I deserved to be in like homeless.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you saying?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he's like, no, I'm just saying you a pretty girl.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure any dude would love to, like, you know, have you stay at their place.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't, you don't have to be in your car in the streets like that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, dude, look, I don't fuck people for a roof over my head.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I fuck people to heal them.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a healer.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a motherfucking unicorn, okay?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, look, here go$300.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Find yourself a hotel room for the week.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Kevin, where am I gonna find a hotel room for$300 for a fucking week in LA?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make no sense.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, you'll find something, and I want you to make a list.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to make a list of goals.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Write it out on a piece of paper, write out what you want to do with your life, write it out, a list of goals.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, all right.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like trying to find a place to stay for$300 for a week, and then I was like, man, fuck that shit.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I got me a room right there off of Western and Martin Luther King at the Snooty Fox.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Got me some shit by the hour, you know what I'm saying?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, fuck it.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I got about four hours.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And um, took me a shower and everything, got fresh, and then I just start writing out my list, and I was just like, I want a place to stay, my own spot.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I wanna I wanna work with powerful people like Jada Pinkett and Will Smith, and I wanna do comedy for the rest of my life, and I want to shoot a showtime special, and I just wanna be powerful and unstoppable when it comes to female and the comedy game.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote all this stuff out.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day I get a phone call, and it's one of my comedy friends, she's like, girl, I don't know what you did, I don't know what's going on.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: But Kevin had called somebody and they called me and they said they got a spot for you right off of my clearing Adams, bitch.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right over there, right off of cringe.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, for real?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Yep.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, let me go on over there.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I go over there, right?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, uh, if anybody knows my Clarin Adams back in the day, it's like all the crackheads.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was like the walking dead over there, right?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, I could deal with this.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can handle this.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then I pull up to the apartment building, there's bars everywhere, and I was like, it's safe, it's secure.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: The dude let me in the apartment, and it was like the dirtiest, nastiest rug.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It had cigarette burns all in the carpet, the walls was all yellow and stained and shit.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was like brown shit coming out the ceiling, the windows was all fucked up, the blinds had burns in them.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was horrible.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Roaches everywhere, it was baby roaches coming up out the stove, like, we're born, yes.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was disgusting.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Termites, it was fucking nasty.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the dude's like, Do you want it?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, it's perfect.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can see so much in here, so much potential.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: The roof is good, and I'm happy.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Well, look, it's$500 a month and uh it's$500 deposit.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, look, all I got, all I got is$500.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: How about I just give you everything that I got and um and I'll just fix everything up.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fix you don't have to do nothing, you ain't gotta paint no walls, you ain't gotta do nothing.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fix everything.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Bet.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my god, this is so awesome.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: These little goal list things be working, so I start writing more goals.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I hope I can find some carpet.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I need many blinds and something to soften up these bars.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I stayed there and it was like amazing.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing to me, and I made it really nice.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then, like, a year later, I ended up booking this show called um HBL Zeph Comedy Jam.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I was on there with like Russell Simmons and them.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: DL Hughley was hosting it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: He told me I was funny and stuff, and then the director of the show comes over to me and he goes, Yo, Tiffany, you're amazing, man.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You should come to our Super Bowl party.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're having a Super Bowl party, you should come to it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Bet, I would love to come to it.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like it's so crazy how life goes full circle because I pulled up to the house and I was like, Oh my god, I used to live right here.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is amazing.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right here on Talk Hitting.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was living here for months.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, You ain't never lived here.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Yes, I did.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like two years, like a year and a half ago, I lived right here in this place.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice on the inside.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is beautiful in here.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I've been here for years.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't never lived here.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Yes, I did, in that car right there.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Oh shit, that was you.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I used to call the police every morning at 6 45 to get that piece of shit out of here.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, man.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for waking me up every day.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: You appreciate that.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just crazy, like how my life was going like full circle.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started to get like things was coming in, but they was coming in slow.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I was getting like gigs, but not really great gigs.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like something to really like launch a career, and it seemed like I kept getting pulled back for some reason.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I just started to get really depressed.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I started getting really sad, y'all.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like the census had come around.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know about the census, that's when they come to your house and stuff and they try to count how many black people live in the neighborhood so they know where to put the section eight and everything.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: The census, they came to my house, the numerator came knocking on my door, this little white man with glasses.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: He came knocking at my door and he goes, Hello, I'm with the U.S.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: government, I'm with the census, and we're taking a count, and we just want to know how many people live in this household.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, it's just me.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I've been here for years.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: My family has been here in Los Angeles for years.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I come from a family of actors.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about them.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, my grandfather, he was on a sitcom way back when.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: Uh he was on the original Lost.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: Back in 1964, when it was called Gilligan's Island.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't do anything, I was just born.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: But thank you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: So my grandfather was the skipper.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_02: Pretty cool.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: And whenever whenever I tell people that, I always get the same reaction, which is, oh, oh my god, I see it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: You look just like him.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, really?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: The fat guy?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: That's great.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks, little buddy.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: Go fuck yourself.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: And then my great-grandfather, he was in all the early swashbuckler movies with like Betty Davis and Errol Flynn and just the most incredible people.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: And the thing is, when you come from a family, as successful as that, the bar is set really high.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: So I get really high and work in a gay bar.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: She went to uh porn award show ceremony and walked the red carpet and got like a DVD, like a swag bag with toys and DVDs and super cool stuff.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: And uh she calls me the next day.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, hey Sam, uh got a DVD last night that I'm pretty sure you should have.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: Drilligans Island.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: Ginger and Marianne were not on that island.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now people assume that I'm really well off because my grandfather was on a sitcom, but the thing is, Gilligan's Island was in 1964.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: Residuals started in the 70s, so just sit right back and hear a tail tell.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: I don't have any fucking money.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: We used to, my family used to have money.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: We used to have the most beautiful big Hollywood mansion behind the Chinese theater.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: And uh I remember look one of my first memories, actually.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was maybe four or five years old, and I was at this pool party we were having at the house, and I was having the most amazing time, just running around the side of the pool having a good time, and I just I ran right smack into this six-foot, like this looming just beast of a man.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll never forget because he looked down on me and he said, Hey, there's no running around the pool, little girl.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell are you doing?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: He was terrifying.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: He was also B.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: Arthur.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I did it for 13 years.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: And uh I knew like I had to quit because people were so obnoxious.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: This last restaurant was particularly the worst.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: The only thing that I liked about this last restaurant was knowing that my manager got really drunk one night and had sex with one of the waitresses in the backseat of his car.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: So, uh, oops, I got the schedule I wanted.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: The reason why it was so bad, it was just because of the people that I had to wait on.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: There was this one woman I'll never forget.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: She came in, she sat in my section on the patio as the sun was setting, and she stops me, she says, um, excuse me.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Hi, um the sun is like in my face.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: I said, All right, ma'am, would you like to go inside?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, No, I'm enjoying the nature.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_02: I said, Well, we're in a CVS parking lot, but okay.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: So she stops me, she says, um, excuse me, the sun, it moved.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, okay, well, I can lower the blind, it's probably gonna happen again.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: The third time she stopped me, I was like, ma'am, this is Earth.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, like I can control whether or not you get ranch or blue cheese on your mixed field greens.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: I can't control the daily disappearance of the sun below the horizon in the west.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Also, still hungry?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: Eat a dick.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: You guys like that because I said eat a dick.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I know my audience.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's good.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's good.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: I had another woman come in and she stops me.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, hi, excuse me, question.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: Um, well, first of all, I need a gluten-free menu and some more bread.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: Then she says, question.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: I like soup.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: I said, Well, that's a statement, you waste of space.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: I was so upset, I actually went to the bathroom and touched myself till I felt better.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: This guy's doing it right now.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I would lock myself in the bathroom in the middle of the lunch rush just to like look up inspirational quotes to make myself feel better.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_02: There was one that I will never forget, it's my favorite.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it goes the greatest things in life cannot be seen or heard.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: Helen Keller.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, girl, not to be rude, but like, how would you know?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I really feel like this all this stuff is happening for me, not to be like so annoying bragging, you know, rubbing in like your sad lives face, but all this stuff is really happening for me, and I very much understand it's only happening because I was born in this time period.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very much like um a byproduct of my generation, and I could only be thriving in the same time period that Cardi B is thriving.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know that you know what I mean?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're we're kindred spirits, and I was just so meant to be alive now.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very grateful I was not going to high school in the Renaissance.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Wearing a fucking petticoat to school.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine the chub rub in a petticoat.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, thank you.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or like a corset, the underboot sweat.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, I'm gonna faint just thinking about it.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm loving everything like the millennium has to offer me.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like I am the number one customer on Uber Seamless Grubhub Lyft.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I use it all.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: If 2020 is a buffet, I'm fucking taking everything.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I act like I normally do at any buffet, and I take it all.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm enjoying all the things the millennium has to offer me.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I'm enjoying all the fruits of the millennials' labor, you know?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's similar to how Corney Kardashian enjoys all the fruits of her family's labor.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: The only difference, of course, is that I'm grateful.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Shots fire.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm one of those people who very much like has her head permanently shoved up her own ass.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows a person like that.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really only concerned myself with things that concern me.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the way I choose to live my life.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: But every now and then I will kind of, you know, take my head out of my own ass, which is actually not that hard because I'm super flexible.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Not a joke.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll kind of look around at the state of the world, and I'm sure you guys know this because you live in the real world.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: But I just got here and I'm here to tell you the real world, woof, in shambles.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like the world is falling apart, and like apparently everyone's been talking about it, I just haven't been hearing about it.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I low-key like want to get involved and like help and be like philanthropic and stuff, you know?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, no, I don't really want to do that.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to like say I'm gonna do it, and then put it on my Instagram, but not actually do anything, you know?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it's kind of it's 2020, it's important election year, and I'm really feeling like what is it, like 30,000 people are running for president.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I throw my hat in the race?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've got some really good ideas.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I would actually rather die than work for four years straight, but I'm kind of like girl with no job.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: So no.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, no.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it'd be cool to be like famous and the president, but it sounds like a lot of work.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe if they could let me do like a two-week term, where I obviously have both Fridays off because I'm not Rebecca Black.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: I do not get down on Friday.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I, you know, now that I think about it, I assume if you're president, you get to spend the taxpayer dollars just like as you please.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a budget I can work with.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because I have a lot of things.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm at this weird point in my career where everyone's telling me every meeting, they're like, Do you have a publicist?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: You need a publicist, get a publicist.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, okay, I'll go to Walmart and get a publicist.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let me just go.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I started taking a meeting with these publicists, and they're like, We're gonna make you a star.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, okay, sign me up, bitch.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then they're like, that's$5,000, please.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: A month.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like, oh, um, yeah, I'm gonna call you back one second.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I can't do that right now, but low-key, if I become president, I could put that shit on the taxpayers, right?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then get like the best publicists in the world.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what a publicist does.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna lie.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I like what do they do every day?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, they wake up, what do they do?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I have actually no idea.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: I do know that Becca Kufrin did it before she was on the bachelor, so like how challenging of a job could it be?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: I know that a big part of being a publicist is essentially just doing this all.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like dodging direct questions and also like manipulating narratives in the media.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's what a publicist does.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: So if I'm thinking to myself, hmm, I could have the best publicist in the world.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Who do I know who's the best at dodging direct questions and manipulating narratives?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let me think.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder if Lisa Vanderpump is available.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Kyle, sweetie.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Lisa Vanderpump, she was on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: There's there's so much you can know about her, but just basically like she's British and a huge bitch.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I'm joking, but if Lisa Vanderpump, like her, you know, career at Bravo doesn't work out, which it's looking like it might not be working out, she could have a very bright future as a publicist.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: I could see her being in a press conference for me, and some you know, snarky reporter who like lives in Brooklyn and wears band t-shirts and eats granola for breakfast would be like asking some question I don't feel like answering.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: The reporter would be all snotty and like, Lisa, can you explain?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, sorry, I don't know why the reporter would be British, but whatever.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: Lisa wouldn't want to answer.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: And instead of coming up with some strategic remark, she would just go like this.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: She would be like, Jiggy! And it would be so brilliant.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: I would also hire her husband, Ken Vanderpump Todd, to like waddle out.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: With Jiggy like silently suffocating in his armpit.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he would obviously only have one thing to say.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Goodbye, Kyle! Epic.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm like kind of getting excited.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, maybe I would be president.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be so fucking chic, like wear a pantsuit and shit.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, camel toe for life.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, uh, I could get bodyguards, right?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: So hot, like a little secret service with a little dingling in their ear.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's something so chic about having bodyguards.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, sign me up.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm a lot, you know, physically, obviously, yeah, but I'm also a lot, like, spiritually and emotionally.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it I couldn't just get any old bodyguard.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: I need the best of the best.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: La creme de la creme.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: That means cream, by the way.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know you guys are from New Jersey.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, whoever the most famous person in the world is, like, I want their bodyguard.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: I want the same bodyguard as Kim Kardashian.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, no, I don't.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.