Latest / The Parent Tap / She Lost Her Sister, Saved Her Son: Teen Signs Parents Miss

Transcript

She Lost Her Sister, Saved Her Son: Teen Signs Parents Miss · The Parent Tap

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: She has lived both outcomes of early intervention.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: When her kids struggled with depression and anxiety, she caught it early and watched them heal.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: With her sister, the signs were missed and she lost her to suicide.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today we'll sh today she'll tell you the quiet signs that show up long before a crisis and what to say when you see them.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Stay for the part on why fixing is the wrong instinct.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids struggle probably won't look like a breakdown.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It might look like irritability, a closed door, or quitting the thing they used to love.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: She wrote, Hope starts at home and owns a mental health clinic, and she's going to teach dads to read those signals before they're in a therapist's waiting room.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hope starts at home, not in the therapist office.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever wondered whether your kid is just a moody teen or something more, this is a conversation.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: She's lived it as a mom, a sister, and a clinic owner.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't mind just kind of like giving us a little bit of the backstory, the history of like what kind of got you into this work and you know what what your clinic is about too.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, Ryan.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, first of all, very nice to meet your acquaintance and wonderful work that you're doing, spreading awareness and destigmatizing and helping parents understand the science.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's a similar goal of mine.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, when I got into the mental health space, definitely was not expecting someday to own a business where I'm running a clinic, an outpatient mental health care clinic.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: But in in 2021, during the pandemic, I had family members who were struggling with their mental health.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And one of those people close to my heart is my sister, who we lost to suicide in uh 2022.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but in 2021, post-pandemic, she really spiraled, as did many, many people who have mental health struggles in general.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that was like the first thing is when she attempted suicide and she survived.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: We just learned so much about diagnosis, is so important, the right diagnosis is important, treatment is important.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: What are the signs we missed since she was a teenager?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And uh coincidentally, my son was a teenager, he he just had turned 14 and he was struggling.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so he was showing signs.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And and so all of it, you know how they they say it's a perfect storm?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like everything was happening at the same time.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And my my daughter, six months later, had signs of anxiety, and so you know, each of my children we navigated differently only because we, as we gained more knowledge, we we kind of figured out the path to take.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, my sister helped along the way, and her own diagnosis just connected so many dots for us.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: So when this opportunity came to own a franchise uh called LE Mental Health, their mission was to destigmatize, to spread awareness, and to provide access to care before it becomes a crisis.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: So that was it resonated with our mission, like what we were trying to, as we were navigating the system ourselves, we just decided to take the plunge and and just, you know, be part of the change, as they say.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and and then the rest is history.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um when I did open my clinic in 2023, um I was able to open it in my sister's memory and honor.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: And we still do this work, you know, in her memory.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And uh that that's very special.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh everything I do now is really to keep her memory alive and and and to really spread the knowledge because in my life you can see the the two extremes.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you have knowledge, you have awareness, you know what needs to be done, you can you can quite literally save lives.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's become a very big mission of ours to, of mine and my my husband, my family to do just that.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so ever since then, um that was 10 years ago, I've been sort of very in tune with with the community trying to help, trying to um find, you know, find sources for people.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But also now that I have kids, it's different, right?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you're kind of looking out for your own, making sure we're not missing any of these signs.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: What are some of the signs that you feel like we should be aware of if if you know our kids are experiencing anything going on?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: What should be one of the first things we look out for to get them help?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm so uh glad you asked that question because it's so easy to say, um, you know, hey, these are the signs you should be looking for.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: One, two, and three, right?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Which, you know, there are signs.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can honestly Google it, chat GPT it, you'll get the signs, right?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: But what what are what I am what I'll tell you this, what I have experienced is one thing you know, what one thing is the signs behind it, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: What are the signs and what are the things that you need to look out for?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: But it's quite another thing to have a connection with your child in in such a way that you know your child the best, right?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So you know when a sign is pertains to your child, if you know what I mean.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, there's signs that are documented today if if your child has retreated or if they're quiet, or if there are so many other signs you can look for, you know, that that may not really pertain to your child, right?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing I I always say is, you know, having that really deeper level of human connection with your child.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And for that to happen, you your uh I don't know, I'm a Gen Xer, so I know there's a lot of Gen X out there who have to really connect with themselves at the deepest level.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I had to do that, and I'm still doing that, which also means I had to unlearn a lot of ways that I was parented, and I had to learn new ways, and I had to learn new methods, and how do you connect with myself so I can connect with my child?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then and then you can really start to see okay, something is not right, something doesn't feel right.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: And in the case of my son, it was self-harm, which we didn't know until much later.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: But if I had just thought about the signs that I read about, like, you know, is he doing bad at school?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is he retreating?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is he not talking?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, he was high functioning.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: He was on the outside, he looked fine, but didn't know he was self-harming, right?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, what was that behind that?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: What why did that happen?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: What uh and a lot of times parents who don't know they may find out their child is doing that and immediately blame themselves, that which I know I did with my son.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I must be the worst parent.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, what am I doing wrong?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And and you just later on learn that it is a clinical, it is a clinical problem that needs clinical attention, you know.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that's that's what I'm really big on is connecting with yourself, connecting with your child at such a deep level that you start to see something that's not right with your child, like something that's different.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And being able to have those open conversations and ask the questions directly.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a big myth, as you may know, is if you ask your child if they're having suicidal thoughts, it's like you're planting that idea in their mind.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: You're not.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if they are having those thoughts, to be able to finally get it off their chest, like, oh my God, yes, mom or yes, dad, I am, and and I don't know why, because it's very much followed up with guilt that they don't know why they're feeling that way.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: It it really opens up that conversation for them.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and they feel so much lighter now.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there is obviously they'll need help, but at least they don't feel like they have to go about it alone, you know.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of those interventions though, like, you know, let's say we realize there is a problem, there's something that needs to be done.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: The mental health system sometimes is a little confusing, at least especially for me.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's pediatricians, you got counselors, you got therapists, you got psychiatrists.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and how does a parent start?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's the first step they they you know, what what's the first intervention or line of intervention they they even start with?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: I learned this the hard way.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: It is with your child's pediatrician.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you start.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: The first thing you do is you visit your child's pediatrician.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: If you call them with uh their their office and tell them that your child is going is, you know, self-harming or going through suicidal thoughts or ideations, they generally will make an appointment right away.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, sometimes what happened recently with my child, with my with my younger child, she was not feeling herself, you know, she just turned 13, even though she had treatment for anxiety when she was 10, 11.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: She was doing well for a while.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: She was doing play therapy, all of that.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: But when when they reach another age, like puberty, things may come back, and things may come back in a different way.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: So after her wellness checkup, we knew that she might need some help from a might need to see a psychiatrist.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: We couldn't get any appointments at all.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like every all the psychiatrists, psychologists were full.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so I tried to find then I'm like, okay, I need to find a therapist who sees adolescents, not nine-year-olds, but adolescents.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: You have to change your therapist too.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And finally found one much like maybe two months later, July.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it turned out that her her emotions and moods were getting more, you know, to the sense to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things I want to tell your audience is I know this is scary, but when you take your child to a hospital emergency, to the behavioral section, it's it it sounds scary.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh my god, I don't want to take them to the emergency.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's how I felt with my son too, but I didn't have to.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I finally did find a psychiatrist appointment with him.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: So just case in point, Ryan, that's one way of getting immediate access to to care.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's something I learned.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate you breaking that down.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: How did you hold it together yourself going through it sounds like your son's mental health crisis?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: How did you take care of your own mental health during that that season?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I did find a therapist myself through BetterHelp.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I found it good that I could just virtually, you know, chat or talk.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: That helped me very much during the time when I was supporting my entire family, like trying to explain it to my parents, and they're all the way in India, and then my sister is in Canada, and my son is here, and very quickly learned that I was going through what you call compassion fatigue, which is actually a thing.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know that, but I was like, okay, that makes sense.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then later on, after my sister passed on, and I was running this business, I did I was seeking some sort of a spiritual outlet, and I did find uh a practice of Buddhism that I that really connected with me.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's one of the things that really has carried me forward uh in my mission.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: No matter what, my son is 20 now and he's doing really well.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: He discovered bodybuilding in his whole journey of his life.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: And we're so incredibly proud of him.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: He's he's gonna be in a competition very soon next week, actually.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my goodness.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love that how how he's doing now.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I mean, that's just incredible.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so that just speaks to the interventions you did and and all the care that you took into building him back up to to what he is now.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: What are some of the things that you know because I feel like it's hard from from to be on the outside, like you said, you can kind of get a little bit uh I I forget how you phrase it, but I think you said like overloaded with like kind of like people condolences, right?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: People saying sorry and all that stuff.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like what what what are how do people sort of go about that that are in your circle, that obviously you you've got you've gone through great loss?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: How do they um console you in the appropriate way?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's something that people do that's just you wish they wouldn't um when you're going through emotional turmoil and sadness?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's but so hard to and remember, Ryan.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think you might have gone through this, is it was so traumatic.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's I really honestly don't remember all the details, but but I do remember friends being very understanding and close.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, some questions you know that it comes from ignorance that they don't understand.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you know, where you know a friend might ask you, you know, was she lonely?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Did she have any friends?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because that's kind of the idea people have is oh, if someone is has depression and then they take their life, they must be just really lonely and not have any, you know, and so so those were some of the things that we had to break the stigma.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I I took to social media almost immediately because I didn't want any stories going around about my sister that were not true.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I didn't want her life to be just about how she how how the how her life ended.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: So she I I needed people to know she was a successful pediatric occupational therapist.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: She had 60 people show up at her celebration of life.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't have a uh life partner, but she had a very full life, and you know, she lived in a beautiful city, Vancouver.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: So, so you know, she wasn't lonely, but yes, did she have struggles, mental health struggles?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: Did her mind lie to her every single day?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you know, and so just educating people on the differences that just because you know they they have done something like that doesn't mean that they were lonely people.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: But yes, they were definitely, you know, mental illness is a sickness, you know, it's like just like any other physical sickness.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Someone dies by with cancer, right?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: You don't ask them, Hey, were you lonely?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Did you try yoga, meditation?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: You don't do that.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's so so just educating people, it it was it was an illness she had, I think was the biggest thing.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it's it's such a yeah, people don't treat it like an illness, they they definitely treat it as there's there's definitely a lot of ignorance in that in that I've had that too, that that, you know, when I had a family member um when I was younger, I was a teenager and just uh yeah, it was kind of rough because a lot of people were they'd bring up the the oh that's a selfish thing or or whatever, and it's just it just made me more angry at what was already happening, you know what I mean?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of just made me more upset about the whole situation, and so I wish people were a little bit more understanding, but but again, it is a stigma, and it's like how do we break that stigma?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do we get the word out so people are we can now open this dialogue and have a conversation about mental health and and really help people that are in that dark place?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I feel like there are a lot of people who are afraid to speak up, and I know that I can't bring courage into them, but at least I can live by my example that if you have the courage to speak up, you'll be amazed at how many people will will come out and say me too.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I went through so and so, and and so I make it my life's mission to just go out on social media and just lit quite literally.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I I actually talked about what you just did, which is you know, not be stigmatized by the word and meant by the phrase mental illness, uh, because it's it's a any type of sickness, right?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: That you have to diagnose and treat uh like anything else.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully looking at it from that angle, people don't feel ashamed or it it I try to look help people see it from a very scientific and medical way, even though this is something I say, Ryan, in my in my posts and my speaking engagements is you know, when you have a physical illness with mental illness and mental health struggles, your symptoms are behavioral, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: So they do show up as moods, emotions, feelings.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: They may not have a blood test you quickly do when you figure out that that, but they are symptoms, and the symptoms show up in different behaviors.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so true.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of course.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: My website is Saroni Kundu.com.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hope starts at home was a book that I wrote last year and I published it.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: I had never written a book before, and my Path to Hope podcast is is newborn.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just done one recording so far, and I feel like podcasting is a way to reach um you know different parts of the world and in people's living rooms, you know, which is what we need.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's been open for three years now.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm in the state of Missouri, so uh in all the therapists, they see people in in this Missouri-St.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Louis area, and we've seen thousands and thousands of clients, all ages, you know, five and up.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, we're just now starting to do more group therapy sessions and also support group and education series.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's called the Path to Hope Education series.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: The one that we're starting with is parents with parents who have children with ADHD.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: How do they navigate that space?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: How do they support their children?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's an eight week program.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're very excited about that.