Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep18: When the Grinch Is From the Bayou 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep18: When the Grinch Is From the Bayou 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, good to be here tonight, huh?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nice little crowd, huh?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: You guys been having a good time?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: F yes, man.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Good to be here.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just got back from New York City.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, buddy Bear.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh dude, people are so angry there.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I said hello to a guy.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: He said no.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, man, who's your fun yada?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's where Mexicans keep their fun.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Got a nice crowd tonight, huh?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit of diversity.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where are my white people at?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're still here.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's our motto in America.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: They are phasing us out.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Mexicans bang faster, blacks bang better.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants to bang white people anymore.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not even other white people.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, Mexicans are serious.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: They procreate seriously.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Mexican woman will sneak into your nuts to get a baby.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where are my Mexican women at?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hear that?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Mating call.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, they want a baby every time.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: They f for keeps.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: They want every f to grow up.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, even if you just jerk off by a Mexican girl, she'll try to like catch it in a fajita like that.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: They do that dance to make sure it's in there.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Baby already.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Mexican girl make a baby in an hour.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Got a vagina like a microwave.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I won't even masturbate some Mexican porn on my computer because my printer will just start printing off pictures of children's.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is my son, Papelito.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's my daughter Pajinas.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: That means little paper and little pages.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Those jokes are for the kids.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Hooked up with one Mexican girl like a year ago.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, what are we gonna name it?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, name it?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just taking my pants off.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Umborto.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a cute Mexican name?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: They are serious, man.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're sneaking in our country, too, these Mexicans.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not a few, like, you know, millions.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I live on the beach in uh California.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just go watch them come in in the morning just.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, those waves have luggage.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: They are sneaky.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: They could be tunneling under here right now.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Scat.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: You never know.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Finding unique ways to get in our country.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I bought a blow-up doll the other day, blew it up.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a Mexican lady.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Made me blow up three of her kids.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: The inflatables family.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Living at my house.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, these mother f snuck in through my lungs.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who else is here tonight, huh?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Where are my black people at tonight?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's up.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love black people.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be black next time.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It looks fun because you can wear anything you want.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Black guy looks good in anything.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You ever see a black guy with that t-shirt down to here?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what size is that?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Forever?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I wear that, I look like a lesbian about to take a nap.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I look like Ellen at a slumber party.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Black guys have all the cool nicknames.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Doo-doo, Pookie, Duty Man, Snicker, Kit Kat, anything off the candy aisle.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Payday, 100 grand, Rolo.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh Henry, that's a gay black guy.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh Henry's O Henry.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tartan Tiny, that's a little gay black guy.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: There go little Tartan Tiny looking for dicks.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Black people always have a good time.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was um I was in court the other day, and that's not the joke, people that are laughing, that's racism.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, black friends.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was in court the other day, and this black guy pleaded, my bad.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah, dude, it is on in here, right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was up right after him for DUI, and I wanted to be cool, so I pleaded, blame it on the alcohol, and blame it on the weed.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that's when they got me for possession of marijuana.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: But I blame that on the black guy, and uh and they re-arrested him.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that's the system.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta keep repping the struggle.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe black people can't swim yet, though.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all are finging around.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all the most athletic people on earth.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Can't y'all just run across the water?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like you think it would be easiest for black people because all they have to do is invent a dance move that would keep them above water.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Teach me how to Dougie paddle.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: All this water love me.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: All this all this water love me.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: All this water love me.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: What else?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just got back from uh Indiana, which is Spanish for Indian.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're and I uh ran into a rental car issue while I was there, okay?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'd reserved the SUV, you know, because I want to look tough, you know, vehicularly.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I get there, they don't have my SUV.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So they said they're gonna give me something similar, and that's Hebrew for we're gonna f you here, buddy.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: So they give me a PT Cruiser convertible.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Are you familiar with this stroller?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even like a car, it's like a trap for gays, really.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you park it somewhere and open the top, put a little bit of dick in the middle, then you wait.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: When the gays get in, you shut it on them, take them to the police.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Car, dude.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had to blow a guy just to get it to go in reverse.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not even gay, I just had to parallel park.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that took a while.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I commend you, ladies.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know it was so hard to give head, you know?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it looks easier from this end.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, I wore my earplugs.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just because, well, sucking d is gay, but hearing yourself suck d that's really the gay part.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's only gay if you can hear it, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Silent dicks all day.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I stayed up the other night watching something on television.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a public service announcement, you know, and it's like, you gotta help these kids, you know, and they show these kids and something's wrong with them.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like they're sewing pants for a penny a day in sweatshops.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, well, if they're sewing pants and they need help, like, why doesn't one of them sew a message for help into some pants?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if they got all day.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing us in America, that would just be like a new fashion statement.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, do you like these new I'm thirsty jeans?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: What are these?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, a lion ate my brother?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Ed Hardy?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: No, Fed Hartley.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: They're real nice.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're real nice.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I stayed up the other night watching Nancy Grace.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I wish somebody would kidnap this bitch.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I don't like that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: That show is bull.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: The show, they sensationalize missing and molested kids to sell advertising dollars.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're not looking for these kids.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: The show comes on at 11 o'clock at night.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: They haven't found one kid.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's been on for 10 years.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, you give me a half hour and an eight ball, I'll find a missing kid right out here.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: The show comes on at 11 o'clock at night, and they're like, go look for kids.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I live in a nasty neighborhood.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You go look for them.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: If I go looking for somebody, I might be the next missing person.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is a horrible idea, Nance.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, so I gotta tell you guys this story, alright?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a true story.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so six months ago I get a text message on my phone, okay?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's from a random phone number that I don't know.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a Chicago area code.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I live in Los Angeles.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It says, hey, it's Wanda.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I write back Wanda Who?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she writes, Duhanda, yo cousin.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't have any cousins.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Both my parents were only children.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, holy it'd be fun if I did, right?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I wrote back, what's up, Shawdy?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she and I have been texting each other now for six months.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: She thinks I'm her cousin that lives in Los Angeles.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually have a godnephew now named Demari, who's gonna be two years old in about a week.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like a big time for our family.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, this is so much fun.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna text every strange number in America because I have unlimited texting and I only work at night.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So now I've texted over 20,000 numbers and gotten into the craziest conversations you can imagine.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm hiring people for Civil War reenactments, I'm running blood drives that don't exist.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in a relationship with one guy who thinks I'm a 22-year-old woman stuck at a mental health facility in Shawnee, Oklahoma.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's actually getting a little out of hand.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, I take the best conversations, I put them on his website, I started called cranktext.com, so you can check it out.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: But um, but people are always like, well, where do you get the numbers?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Well, sharpshooter, you just make them up.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna read you guys one of the conversations real quick that I that I have.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I write, hey, what's up?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I just sent it out into the world, out into the ether, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I write, hey, what's up?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: This person writes, not much.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, new phone.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who is this?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, it's Barry.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: How you doing?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: He said, hey, I am good.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: How are you?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm great, got through the surgery, fine.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Barry, I don't want to be rude, but I'm very bad with names.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I still can't remember you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I forget things all the time, but no biggie.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still an ICU, just kinda lonely.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Barry, I think you have the wrong number, my friend.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Who gave you this as my number?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I've had it in my phone.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You should see the new leg, technology.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Then he goes, Do you know what my name is?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to guess, so I just guessed, Ben.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, sorry, my friend, that's not me.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope you feel better soon.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Man, me too.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You ever been through anything like this?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because you gotta keep them going.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, No, not like that.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be okay.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't know, man.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like such a bitch.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, it happens.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like you lose your keys, not like this.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I said, easy for you to say, I'm out of leg, homie.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Then he didn't write back, so I wrote, uh, I'm sorry, man, I'm just angry.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard for me.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have any advice?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, you will get used to it.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, gotta run.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta run to a guy who had just lost his leg in intensive care.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's America.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: My back is sweating, or my ass is sweating up.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: You never know what the Lord's doing.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because we grew up in a real Christian home.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like if we jerked off, my dad made us bury it in the yard.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: That joke's from my brother.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know he would love that one.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I need some money.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I need some.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta have money to get a woman, you know.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it, ladies.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, who wants to bang some poor guy?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's nasty.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: You get done banging, you're just laying there all poor.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, can I get you a towel that doesn't match any of the other towels?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: What about some tap water, a hot pocket?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta have money, dude.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is how you catch a woman, too, okay?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: You get all your money and you put it in a big pile, in a big stack.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Stack your money.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then when a woman comes to get it, you snatch her.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's your wife.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Then you go live with her, and when she starts acting all crazy, you just take her back by that money, let her smell that money pile.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just splash some twenties on her.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's called wedlock, they call it.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta have money, man.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I want a bunch of money, you know, like a little.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like a wallet.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: What the fu uh that's like a filing cabinet for a poor person.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to carry my money in a big sack, like the wrench that stole everything.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Have all the money.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Live like a gangster.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do whatever you want.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: One of my buddies called me from home the other day from Louisiana.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, hey man, I got a new job, making 40k a year.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's cool, bud.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to, you know, marry your high school girlfriend, have two kids, one of them fat, one of them got asthma, have a nice life, okay?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: That I want to do whatever I want to do.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Live like a gangster, just walk around just shooting people, pop, pop, pop, pop.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Apologize with money.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody lives like a gangster anymore, man.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: All the celebrities are afraid.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Afraid to live how they want.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Michael Jackson, last good gangster millionaire they had on the planet.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Say what you want.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, he had some technical issues, but he did whatever he wanted to do.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, he had bison in his house.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wild animals.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: What do you have?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: A cat?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: He had bison.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Bison, zebras, alpacas just running around his house, eating furniture and okay.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine being like this.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Here, here, every time you want to sit on the sofa.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's some G s.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: He had a middle school under his bed, a small private academy.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's gangster.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying he did whatever he wanted to do, no matter what the media said about him, he did what he wanted to do.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: All these other celebrities are afraid, man.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're all afraid.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Afraid of what TMZ will think.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Entertainment tonight.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was a huge Brett Favre fan.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up 45 minutes from his house.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: We used to eat mushrooms, put on Favre jerseys, run around in his town, pretend we were him, okay?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: This dude got busted texting pictures of his penis to chicks with his phone.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, dude, why are you doing what I'm doing?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're Brett Favre.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: At least hire a nice artist to come and paint your penis up real nice, you know, just Ansel Adam some clouds behind it and mail that off to a woman.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or just put your phone down and go f a chick.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're Brett Favre, dude.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you shave a little, I might jerk you off, buddy.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gay, but I'm a football fan.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just look the other way and ask him about the time he beat Detroit.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: It looked cold out there, sir.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Tiger Woods, he was the worst, dude.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Tiger Woods, because he's an example of all of us.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's black, white, Asian, uh, island or whatever, all wrapped up in a one cat named man.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he could have anything he wants in the world.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: He had all the money, you know?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: He could buy all of us.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he could.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is America.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: He could buy us.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you think if you have all the money, everything will be perfect.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all the kids are gonna have nice teeth or braces, everybody's gonna have nice hair or a wig, everybody's gonna be eating ham, and when there's no more ham, guess what?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Extra ham.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: But he had all the money, could have anything he wants, and he's banging chicks.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: You are banging chicks?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I make$52,000 a year.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm banging chicks.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's the tax bracket I'm in.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm a billionaire, dude, all I'm finging is endangered species.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be fing the last white owl.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: This owl sounds like a train.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm a billionaire, I'm finding other ways to get off.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna hire a bunch of Mexicans to come to my house every day, bury all my money in my yard, then dress up like pirates and dig it up.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Every day.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna fly up to space at night in a special shuttle, jerk off, and just come back to the house.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna call me the space jerker.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: This dude's banging chicks.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: When I have my money, I'm gonna hire somebody to give a f.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't that be nice?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't that be nice you hire just some random dude off the street to give a f for you?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's his job.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So your wife comes home, she's all pissed, she's like, Oh, you just gonna spend all our money at the casino and then park your truck in my flower bed?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like, you need to talk to Todd.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I will leave you two alone.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even gonna wear a bathing suit when I have my money.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna hire some random dude to walk in front of my dick like this on the beach.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: People are like, who is that?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's Gary, that's my new suit.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, tuck your thumb in, Gary.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want that crazy tan line.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Look like my penis has been hitchhiking for vaginas.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: This I'm gonna wake up every day when I got all my money, okay?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have a bunch of little Asian babies come in my room, okay?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's the softest baby that the Lord makes.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And they come in and I got their feet padded, so they extra quiet.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And they've been caged up, so they veally, they real, real soft.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they come in and look, one of them has a drum, but I didn't buy him any sticks, so he just has to carry his drum.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's the angry one.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they come in and look, this is how they wake me up.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: The f the softest way to wake up in the world, they sprinkle cinnamon on me.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's gangster, son.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: When you go to bed at night and set your alarm clock to cinnamon Asians, then you f up and set it to brothers with nutmeg.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: They show up an hour late with no nutmeg.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys very much, up Theo Bond.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys coming out tonight.