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How to Cope With Anger, Bitterness, and Injustice from Past Relationships, Especially When They Now Seem to Have Changed to a Different Person · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to discuss a topic that many of us have experienced and struggle to move past.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's the mental border of feelings of anger, bitterness, and injustice from being hurt in past relationships without resolution.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: This gets even harder to manage when the ex seems to have changed into a different person, the person you had always wanted them to be.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of emotions involved in this border, and I will explain what and why you may be feeling them, as well as how to start breaking down that border to find inner peace.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about that right now.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: These are very normal, understandable human feelings that you should not feel guilty or ashamed for having.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: However, we can get wrapped up in these feelings and struggle to move on because something has not healed in us as a result of that relationship.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings are a sign that something in us is still hurt and has not been resolved.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: When someone hurts us deeply, especially someone we trusted and loved, our brain doesn't simply file it away as an unpleasant memory and then move on with life.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you are not given the recognition that you were hurt, an apology, or an amends to what caused the pain, then you will struggle to move past that pain.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain will continue to revisit the injustice of the pain because it's still trying to make sense of it and seek resolution.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: The hurt is unresolved, so the brain keeps thinking about the memory in an effort to find justice.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Feelings that can come up are anger, hurt, injustice, grief, betrayal, powerlessness, and unfairness.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: We may struggle to understand how someone we loved or cared about could hurt us so deeply.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we may want vengeance for the pain they caused.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Vengeance is a normal survival instinct of the brain to try to regain happiness, a sense of control, and to battle feelings of unfairness.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: We feel there was an injustice in how we were treated, and that injustice needs to be made right.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to hurt like we are in an effort to resolve the pain.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: We may have feelings of grief because the relationship didn't turn out the way we thought it would.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: We may feel sadness for the loss of what we thought could be.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: We may feel betrayal because we trusted the other person to care for us, and they broke that trust by hurting us.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Powerlessness is a common feeling if the other person ends the relationship.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: We may have wanted to continue the relationship, but they have walked away, and we can't change that.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, we may feel there is an unfairness to what was done to us.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: We don't deserve to be treated that way.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They caused us so much pain.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And now they get to move on and be happy.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: All of these feelings can cause large feelings of anger, and anger often has a purpose.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It can be the brain's way of saying, what happened to me was wrong.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It mattered, and someone should have been held accountable.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: But we can get so wrapped up in the anger and injustice, as well as all those feelings that go along with it, that we struggle to find peace and happiness for ourselves.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings can be compounded or triggered if you have encounters where your ex hurts you again, or if they have changed, becoming the person you always wanted them to be in your relationship.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You may have recurring feelings like, I wasn't valued, I wasn't treated fairly.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: People can hurt me and just get away with it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: If someone else gets something good from the person who hurt me, isn't my pain being invalidated?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: When we are triggered by past pain, it means we have wounds that have not healed.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And new situations are ripping the scab off of those old wounds, making them fresh again.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: What we need to do is better understand why we have these feelings and what we can do to stop being triggered by the past pain.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is perfectly normal to want someone to apologize, change their behavior, and make amends when they hurt you.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: From that, we can process the situation, the feelings it caused, and figure out how to move on from it.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when we do not get that validation, the remorse or regret for causing us pain, we feel anger, hurt, resentment, and unfairness.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: We are left with the wound from the pain, without a way to mend that wound.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain recirculates the feelings caused by pain in an effort to find some solace, to make sense of what happened to us, and to figure out how to move on.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain gets stuck in the past, searching for how to make it right.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Without some amends from the one who hurt us, our brain will continue to be stuck in these feelings, falling back to them anytime we are triggered by the pain again.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: We relive the pain and injustice over and over again.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: All of these feelings are normal, understandable, and you have every right to feel any feeling that you experience.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings are there to send the signal that what happened to you was wrong, that no one should treat you that way, and you want and deserve to be treated better now.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings become a problem when they keep occurring and prevent you from moving on to a happier life.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard to do when situations keep happening to remind you of the pain you were caused.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you have children with your ex, so you are still in contact with them.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have the same friend circle, so there are encounters with your ex, or you see things about them on social media.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: To make it all worse, if your ex has changed into a different person, a seemingly better person than when you were together, or the person you wanted them to be in your relationship, this will cause you pain from the old wound as well as new feelings of hurt.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: When you were together, maybe you asked them to be more thoughtful, more attentive, more affectionate with you and your children, but it never happened.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You may have spent years in that relationship hoping that they would be the person you needed them to be.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may have told them repeatedly what you needed.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: You may have asked to get counseling to improve the relationship.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You may have researched or read about how the relationship could improve.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: You may have spent all those years giving up your needs and wants, trying to make them happy with you, so that they would reciprocate making you happy.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: But they made no effort to change.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or would for a short time, and then things went back to the way they were before.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Then, after your relationship ended, they suddenly became that person you wanted.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: They are nicer to others, they are more involved with their new partner, they're more attentive or affectionate to your children.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you're left thinking, where was this person all those years I asked for it?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: If they can be that way now, why couldn't they be that way for me and our kids?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why weren't we important enough to be treated that way then?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, on top of the pain from how you were treated in the past by this person, you have new feelings of anger, grief, resentment, jealousy, and self-doubt by seeing this new behavior from your ex.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You may be angry that they could have been the person you needed, but chose not to.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You may have grief for the time lost and the end of your relationship when it could have been better.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You may resent the fact that they could have changed for you, but caused you pain and unhappiness instead.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel jealous of those who are getting this new side of your ex.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you may have thoughts of self-doubt like, why wasn't I worth that kind of treatment?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or is there something wrong with me that caused them to treat me that way?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: The obvious answer to these questions is that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are worth the kind of treatment you long for from the people you are in a relationship with.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve kindness, respect, consideration, and affection.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: They should have given it to you every day.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that they didn't treat you as you should have been shows failure on their part, not on yours.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you experience things in your relationship like they did not want to treat you as you wanted to be treated, disrespected or abused you, were focused only on their needs, and unwilling to compromise to strengthen your relationship, then what does this say about the kind of person they are?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about what you did or didn't do to cause their behavior.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what's going on with their behavior that prevented them from treating you well in the relationship.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to talk for a minute about what might happen if you share children.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex changed after the relationship ended and is now a great parent to your child, it can cause you to have some painful feelings.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You may still have painful feelings from the past because your ex didn't step up to help you with the kids, because they weren't supportive and loving to the kids or weren't involved with the kids.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, after your breakup, they've become a wonderful parent.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Spending time with the kids, buying them things, showing love, support, and attention in ways they never did when you were together.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you may feel angry because they didn't help you with the kids in the past.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't go to the games, the concerts, or the banquets to support the kids, and they didn't take care of the kids' needs in the home.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And now the kids are coming home telling you what a great time they had with that parent, how that parent is fun and nice now, and the kids are filled with love and acceptance for your ex.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not uncommon for you to feel some jealousy, resentment, or hurt towards your child's experiences.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You may have thoughts like, How can my children like the other parent after what they did to me?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You may be jealous of the good parent now when you had to do all the work and care for the kids for so many years all alone.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel resentment because now you see that the other parent could have been a better parent, but chose not to.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you may feel hurt that somehow you weren't enough or worthy of having a partner that was a good parent.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a couple of things you need to understand about the parent and child relationship.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is a biological human desire to have the love and acceptance from our parents.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is really difficult to destroy that desire even when our parents aren't good to us.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: When our parents aren't good to us, as children, we internalize that there is something wrong with us.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, if and when your parents change or sometimes act as good parents, we will suck in those experiences like a dry sponge.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: As children, we need the good behavior from our parents to feel good about ourselves.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Our children were not in a romantic relationship with their other parent like you were.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Their relationship with their parent is a different type of relationship and creates a different kind of bond.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your child does not understand the good and bad or the functioning processes of a romantic relationship, so they probably aren't aware of how hurt you were by the other parent.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And even if they did understand, they wouldn't want to take sides against the other parent because they now have what they have always wanted from that parent: love and acceptance.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It is emotionally unhealthy for your child to be put in a situation where they are supposed to think that their parent is bad for how they treated you, that they should be angry with how their other parent treated you, or that they shouldn't be happy with how the other parent is treating them.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings towards your ex's change in behavior is completely valid, but you could do more harm than good to your relationship with your child if you put them in a position to take your side against the other parent.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: It is best to understand that your child is having a different type of relationship with their parent.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if possible, try to be happy for your child that they are getting to experience something healthy with the other parent.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Doing this is good for your kids, but understand it is not to minimize what happened to you.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening to your child is completely different than what happened to you.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to forget everything that was done to you, minimize what happened, or think that you don't deserve to be treated better.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: You and your child deserved the best person your ex could be.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: It is sad, though, that they weren't that person when you needed them to be.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps you can see some good in the change for your children's benefit.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: The main reason that we have these feelings of pain, that they keep getting triggered, and that we can't move forward yet is because we are suffering from an injustice.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: We believe we were treated wrongly and want justification for what happened to us.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to admit they hurt us, ask for forgiveness, and explain why they chose to treat us that way.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: But often we are not given any of that.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: They probably don't think they did anything wrong and may blame us for causing problems in our relationship.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost impossible to get an apology from someone who doesn't believe they caused any pain.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: It is natural to want the ex to make amends and validate your feelings, but we don't need that to start healing from the pain that they caused.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Healing from the pain does not mean that you forget about all that was done to you.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you excuse it, and it doesn't mean it was okay.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: It happened to you.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: You had the feelings you did, and that deserves recognition.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you are going to have to give the recognition to yourself.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of thinking, what did I do to deserve that?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or why wasn't I enough for them to treat me better?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Say to yourself, I didn't deserve to be treated that way.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I did nothing to cause it, and I don't excuse their behavior.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You have to stop seeing their behavior towards you as a reflection of the type of person you are.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't treat you as they did because you are a bad person, because you deserve to be treated badly, or because you did anything to cause their behavior.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Their behaviors were their choice, not yours.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing I want to mention is that people can change and do so for several different reasons.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: People can behave very differently depending upon the audience, circumstances, incentives, or consequences.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible that after your relationship ended, your ex realized they needed to change because their behavior contributed to your breakup.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible that they are being the nice one or the good one now in hopes of impressing others, especially if they want to hide their contribution to the breakup of your relationship.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: They may realize that their children are going to be alone with you at times, the one who always takes care of them and shows up for them.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel a need to step up as a parent now, so as not to be outdone by you.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: There are a lot of reasons why they may change, and it's also possible that they didn't truly change who they are at all, but just changed some of their behaviors so as not to appear as the one who caused the pain in your relationship.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: You may never know why they changed, and it doesn't really matter, because you don't need to know why to begin healing the pain they caused.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: When someone hurts us, there can be a very natural desire for justice, but you're going to have to give yourself that justice so you can move past reliving the pain.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Validate what you experienced in the past, label all your thoughts and feelings caused by your ex, and understand it is all natural and normal to feel.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to say, I was hurt by, and list all the ways they hurt you.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then recognize you did not play a part in creating the behaviors your ex had that hurt you.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: What your ex did is their responsibility and choice.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: There is no blame or shame in what you did as a reaction to the pain they caused.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: And be aware that you deserve an apology, recognition, and amends for what happened to you, but that you're not going to get it from your ex.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can say things to yourself like, I'm feeling pain from the way they talked to me in the past.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't deserve to be treated that way.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I will no longer tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone again.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to feel compassion, care, or forgiveness toward your ex, but you do need to feel it for yourself.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive yourself for what you tolerated in the past.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself compassion to move forward to better relationships.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And give yourself care as you move towards healing.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website at breakingarborders.com that can help you sort through the painful feelings and negative thoughts you have from past relationships and give you suggestions of how to work through those thoughts and feelings without justice from the person that caused them.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Feelings of anger, grief, and unfairness are common after being hurt by someone and can build a border in our mind that make us think we are deserving of the pain, that we caused it, or we are unworthy of having better relationships.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And while we want justice from those who caused us pain, we are doing an injustice to ourselves by allowing that pain to continue to be carried around and to trigger us.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening today, and I hope you will join me again next week as I continue talking about and breaking down mental borders caused by trauma.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Please also check out my Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube pages.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have a wonderful week.