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1. My Journey From Religious Control to Spiritual Freedom · Energy With Alex

• Alex Williams: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Energy with Alex podcast. I'm Alex, your host, and this is your space to romanticize your life so that you can drop into the present moment and find magic in every single day. This is also a place you can always come to for honest truths and deep conversations and a lot of fun too. I am so excited to have you here. Let's get started. Hello and welcome to the very first episode of the Energy with Alex podcast. my gosh, I'm so excited. I'm also so nervous and That's okay. I mean, this is just this is something new. I'm feeling the fear and I'm doing it anyways, right? I'm really in that stage of life right now where I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the things that scare me and letting myself be seen. And what better way to put this all into practice than by starting my podcasting journey and having, you know, openness and vulnerability and sharing parts about my life that I haven't shared before and Just like allowing this to be a space where the girls can come together. It can be a safe, warm podcast where we can build community and have real open, honest conversations, share inspirational stories. you know, I hope to bring on other people as well that I can learn from, that we all can learn from. And I just am really excited for wherever this journey is going to take me. So before we get started, my name is Alex and I am I'll say a few things about me, just you know, see what we connect on. I am super spiritual, love anything woo-woo. I am a breath work facilitator. tune to Reiki up to the master level. I have certifications in somatic coaching and intuitive healing level one and two. So truly love just talking about all of the spiritual curiosities that there are in life. We know that there are so many. And I'm in a really exciting stage of my life right now. I got married back in April. So still super new and we just bought a house and adopted our dream puppy, Chai. She's actually on my lap right now for my first ever podcast. I love to read. It's like my favorite thing ever. I constantly have a book in my hand. So I love romance, a little bit of mystery, I love contemporary fiction, all that good stuff. So if you ever have any recommendations, then I'll share the good stuff that I'm reading as well. I'm also in my running era, training for my first 5K and two 10Ks in the next couple of months. So for this podcast. Definitely want to talk about spiritual health, but also just like health in general, the journey that I'm on, finally finding a form of exercise that brings me joy. And then also mental health as well is such a huge part of my journey, too. So okay. Well, the first thing that I want to talk about on my podcast is. A really big piece of my life that I get asked about all the time. And I thought it would be nice to have a space that I could come to or that people could come to. And it kind of answers all the questions that I get asked all the time. So, what I want to share today is my journey being raised as a Jehovah's Witness. that is a piece of my journey that has really shaped who I am today and what I believe today. And I just wanna kind of share what that experience was like because honestly, it's a very unique and different way to grow up, I am aware. for the people that don't know much about it, I think it's a really interesting thing to learn about. And then anyone that has been raised as a Jehovah's Witness or in similar religious households, I think it can be a really beautiful way to connect and to hear my part of my story. And then of course you can always reach out and tell me part of yours as well. And I'm always here to connect with you and to support you and be on this journey together. So first and foremost, Jehovah's Witnesses. Who are they? What do they believe? Now, before I actually say anything, I just wanna say that I am one person and I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. I intend to be as open and honest as possible about how it's affected me in both, negative and positive ways. I am gonna share some of the rules that they had and some of the, things about the religion. I left that religion when I was 18 years old and I'm 31 now. So a lot of time has gone by and things may have changed. Some rules may have shifted. I do know that some of them haven't, but like I don't know all of the inside stuff that's going on there anymore. So if I am quoting anything wrong for present time, then it is what it is. I'm just sharing my own personal experience growing up in it when I was younger. And also my intention is never to be like hateful or never to talk negatively about you know specific people. I'm just sharing what it was like to grow up in this religion as myself. So Okay, Jehovah's Witnesses. If you're not sure or if you don't know a lot about them, you may just know like the basic stuff. So a lot of people just think that they're like this annoying Christian group that come and knock on your door and annoy you on a Saturday and want to talk about the Bible or give you their publications That is one of the things that they did. I mean, I always grew up going door to door door to door and trying to give people the publications and read them scriptures and verses from the Bible. And so that is a part of it. And then also something that a lot of people know about Jehovah's Witnesses is that they don't celebrate any holidays. So I did not celebrate any holidays. It's like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, literally any holiday. And yes, that does include your birthday. So I did not celebrate a birthday until I was in my twenties, which, you know, I'll touch on later. But you can't, you know, even wish someone a happy birthday. Definitely can't give gifts or be a part of any like parties. say a friend turned 16. You could say, you turned 16 today, but you can't say happy 16th birthday, right? And growing up, you know how in elementary school they would bring like cupcakes and treats on somebody's birthday and then we'd have like a little mini party. I would have to leave the room so that way I wouldn't be a part of it. And so it's just like this weird isolating experience that happens when you don't celebrate any holidays. I mean it definitely gets the attention of your classmates. you know, I'd stay home from school on Halloween so because everybody comes there dressed up and it's like a little party or just all of it. It's a it's a very interesting thing. I know not everybody celebrates all the holidays, but to celebrate none, it definitely has you standing out in school for short. some other rules that they have is you are not allowed to hang out with or like be friends with anyone who is not also a Jehovah's Witness. So this one isn't known as much, but I mean if you went to school with someone who was a witness, you might have known this. Like they're really not supposed to hang out with you outside of school. you can be like friends or acquaintances while you're at school or at work with someone, but you can't go any further than. Than that, or you really shouldn't. So, like, definitely no sleepovers and definitely no like long hangouts, and they really want to keep everything like together in the congregation, and so I was lucky in the sense that I had a lot of kids my age growing up that also went to my school, so I didn't feel like lonely or isolated in that way. But I do know from other people's experiences that if you're the only person in your age group, it can be a much more lonelier experience when you go to school and like you can't really develop relationships as deeply as you would like to. you also can't date anyone that's outside of the religion, too, because obviously you're supposed to only marry someone who is the same religion as you. so you can you can't date either if you're if you're not ready to get married. So if you're a teenager, you really shouldn't be dating. And no matter what age you are, you need a chaperone to date. So the reason behind this is they don't want you alone with the opposite sex. And yes, I say opposite sex because being gay in that religion is also considered a sin. So if you are with the opposite sex, even if you're in your 20s or your 30s or your forties, doesn't matter your age, they don't want you to have any temptation to do anything sexual before marriage, right? So you can like hold hands, maybe a little kiss, but definitely can't go further than that. And if you do, that is a sin and you have to turn yourself in, which spoiler alert we will be talking about in a little bit. and so you want to make sure that you're keeping yourself, and I'm putting this in quotations, pure for marriage. So that was another one of the rules that they had and that was probably one that a lot of people mess up on. You know, no one's Not a lot of people are getting in trouble for like secretly celebrating holidays, but obviously like the temptations of sex and anything to do with sex is usually the thing that gets a lot of people and causes a lot of shame. Just some other random rules. you know, you can't smoke, you can't drink. Well, you can drink, but you just can't like get drunk. you know, like some of the more basic stuff. and there's some other interesting rules that we'll talk about. as we go throughout the story that I'm telling. But one of the other like main rules that Jehovah's Witnesses have is they don't accept blood transfusions. And the reason of for this is there is a scripture in the Bible that says abstain from blood. And the witnesses have taken that quite literally and applied it to mean that no one can have any form of blood transfusions. it has gotten more lenient as time goes on. Like there's certain type of treatments that you can now take, but you still can't get like an all-out blood transfusion, even if you need one. so I used to actually carry around a blood card with me, which states like if I were to be in an accident and go unconscious, they would be able to see that card and it would say, you know, in case of an emergency, I am not going to accept blood and I would choose to die instead. And I actually carried that card around with me which is kind of like a wild thing to do, like especially as a as a kid. There are different levels of discipline. So there's privately reproved, publicly reproved, and disfellowshipped. So if you are privately reproved, it means that they kind of strip you of whatever responsibilities you have in the congregation. you just get in trouble, but nobody really knows about it. So this is usually if you've sinned, if you've sinned, done something wrong in the religion, And not a lot of people know about it or you seem really sorry. Publicly reproved usually happens where they like maybe a few people know about it, so they want to make sure that the congregation knows that this is wrong and that there are consequences. or maybe it's like you've done it already before. And so they actually announce to the congregation that you have been reproved. So it's kind of from a lot of people's experiences. a kind of humiliating experience because they're going and they're announcing to everybody, all of your friends and family and everyone that you have gotten in trouble and you've sinned in some way. And of course humans are humans. So they're gonna be chatting away. They're gonna be wondering what you did wrong. Especially if somebody else also got in trouble and it's been announced in their congregation or in your congregation. And then everyone can kind of piece it together. If a boy and a girl got in trouble at the same time, it's like, I bet you something happened with them, right? So that's not a great process there. And then there's the highest form of discipline, which is disfellowshipping. Disfellowshipping is like excommunicating in other religions. It's what happens when maybe you've done this before or you're not showing any remorse. You're not showing that you're sorry. And so they have to disfellowship you and remove you from the congregation. Now, when that happens, this is a part that not a lot of people know about, but you cannot speak to other Jehovah's Witnesses. So you get removed from the congregation and all of your friends and all of your family can't speak to you, even your own mother, even your childhood best friends, your siblings, all of these people in your life are not supposed to be speaking to you because you're not considered good associ good association anymore. and you have to keep proving that you want to come back. you show up after the meeting has already started and you leave before the meeting ends. Meeting is like what they call their congregation. And it's just this very interesting, isolating, sad process. and it has caused a lot of damage to a lot of people that I know. And so we'll go into what form of punishment I got and what effect it had on me. Let's see if there's anything else I want to say though beforehand. I think that covers like the main rules. There's some really random ones, like no yoga, no meditations. a lot of things can be considered demonic in that religion. And if anything else pops into my head, I will say it. But I just wanted to to get started with all of that first, because that's always a big question, is like what can you and can't you do? So, my personal experience, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. So I was born into it. And so I really believed it to my core. And, you know, when people are born into a set of beliefs, it's like you're learning all of these things about life, right? You're learning like what the colors are and what sounds animals make, and what your name is, and just like how the world works. And alongside that, you're also Learning these other truths, like what is God's name, Jehovah, and that your religion is the one true religion because of this, this, and this. And like the doctrine to you is just as true as the sky being blue, like, as simple as that, it is just embedded in you. And so that is one of the reasons why it is so tricky to deconstruct later on if you do decide to leave the religion that you were born into. so I was born into it and I really was good at it, honestly. I want to make sure in the story I share all of the good and all of the bad for me and so some of the things that had a I don't even want to say a positive effect, but like kind of was a good experience for me at the time was that I really flourished in that structure. I knew exactly what was expected of me. I was considered a really good association. Like I said, I had a lot of friends my age in the congregation. and I just I really took on that like good girl mentality or identity where I always did what was right. Like simple as that. I just really knew What was expected and what my purpose in life was. So I want to take a minute to talk about that. I think that, we're all on a journey in life to figure out what our purpose is, right? it's something that we desperately want to know. And I had the unique experience of being born into something that told me exactly what my purpose was. So I thought I knew it. And I'm not gonna lie, knowing what your purpose is from the very beginning of your life, it really reduces the amount of stress that you have. And I felt like, you know, I might feel anxious about a test coming up or like little things, but I never knew. what it really felt like to feel like true anxiety. Like I would not have classified myself as an anxious person at all back then, which is kind of wild to to think about now. and I think when you grow up in that way, it's like there is this confidence that comes to you. But the problem with that is it's this confidence that's coming because there are people or leaders or systems that are telling you exactly what you have to do in order to live out this purpose and like exactly who you have to be. So if you do anything wrong to break that, it shatters your entire sense of self, right? It's like really. When your sense of purpose and belonging is so conditional, the problem with that is that when you break those conditions because you're human and you make mistakes, all of that comes crashing down, right? And all of a sudden you feel like you don't belong at all. You're not loved at all, right? You're not who you thought you were because you broke the conditions that were laid out for you. So while I was living this good girl identity and I was, a pioneer, which meant I was going door to door seventy hours a month, I believe. I was living this life that was just so structured and it was exactly what this religion and these leaders wanted me to live like. And so I was doing a really good job. And I did a really good job. I put that in quotes again, until I was 18 years old. And when I was 18, I got a job. at a retail store and there was another boy that I was working with who was also a Jehovah's Witness. We were in different congregations, but we grew up together and we started hanging out a lot, right? We would work our late shifts and After work we would start talking and eventually those talks moved into being in the car together and having these long talks in the car. And if you remember from earlier, that is against the rules, right? You can't be alone with opposite sex, temptations and all of that. And so I s for the first time was like these little warning bells were going off, like, you're breaking the rules. This isn't this isn't what's expected of you. This isn't right. And the problem with that though is it's like it makes so much sense to you on one level the Conditions that were laid out for you, you've always known, right? But then all of a sudden you're a teenager who has a crush on someone and you have all of these feelings you've never felt before. And everyone I think in their life goes through this coming of age moments where you're alone with someone and you're thinking, my gosh, do they like me? Or are they about to hold my hand? Are they gonna kiss me? And they're like these these moments that are actually quite innocent, right? It's just you figuring out this next part of life that you've never experienced before. And I think the problem with Purity culture or where it goes wrong is when these coming-of-age moments are now being tainted with guilt and shame. And so I would have these moments where we would be talking for a long time and then eventually we started kissing and all of that would happen and I was like, my gosh, this is the most exciting moment of my life, right? just remember that time as a teenager when you got, a first kiss or or something just happened and you're on cloud nine. But then I would go home and I would just be flooded with the worst fear, the worst guilt, shame, anything. Like I I knew I did wrong in the eyes of God and I was just I felt horrible. and then I would go back and I would do it again, right? And so my gosh, I honestly, like I wanna send so much love to me and to anybody else who has experienced that, like f of having such a beautiful moment and then it being taken away from you because you were taught that those moments in life are actually considered dirty or evil in the eyes of God. And so eventually it started leading to more and we started messing around with each other. And I would come home and I remember there was one moment in particular where I came home and I was s laying in my bed. And I guess I should first explain a little bit more about the doctrine. Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Armageddon as their main belief. So they believe that one day the earth is going to come to an end. I always saw it, they always pictured it as like fireballs falling from the sky, this doomsday feeling or this doomsday moment happening. Fireballs are falling from the sky, it's destruction, it's like this final war between God and Satan. And God just completely destroys the earth as we know it, right? Because we're living in the final days. So it's like these last days are coming to an end and then Armageddon's going to come. And anyone who is not a Jehovah's Witness or who has turned their life away from God or who is living a life in sin, they are not going to make it. So they don't make the cut. you could even be a Jehovah's Witness who is still in the religion but is doing something wrong and if that if Armageddon happens when you are in that stage of of life you don't make it either and so It was like that's the main thing that I grew up wanting to get through. Like I need to make sure I live a beautiful, sinless life, with all of Jehovah God's standards, so that when Armageddon comes, I survive and my family survives and my friends survive, and then you know, I go door to door to preach to as many people as possible so they can learn about Jehovah too, and they will survive when the end of the world comes as well. I would even have to preach to my classmates sometimes because 'cause they would teach us that that was our preaching grounds, right? so I would go to school and I would like try to give publications to my classmates and they would they would take it to be nice to me and then the next day they would come and they would hand it back and be my mom and dad said I can't can't take this and I think about it now and I'm like, my gosh, it's so embarrassing that I used to do that. And also like it was so much pressure to put on a little kid. Like I really thought if I don't tell my classmates about this, they're going to die in this destruction that's happening. So that was a side note. But I remember I was laying in bed and I realized that if Armageddon came today, I would not make it. And that was the first time I had ever felt that type of fear. Because before that, like I said, I really thrived in that environment. I was doing everything right, everything within, what was expected of me. And so for the first time ever, I realized, my gosh, if it started today and the fireballs fell from the sky, I'd be hit by one, I wouldn't be protected by God, like I'm going down. And that was the moment where all of a sudden my hands and my feet clenched together in fists, and I could not get them to let go. My whole body contracted, and I was just like, in this ball. in this and like fists for my hands and for my feet and I couldn't let go. I couldn't unclench. And my breathing was rapid, my heart was beating out of my chest. I really thought in that moment I was dying. I had no idea what was happening to me. I now know that that was my very first panic attack. But in the moment, it really does feel like you are dying. that's what a panic attack really feels like at first. especially when you don't even know that that's something that can happen to you. And after, it subsided, I had this moment of realization that I had to do what was right and I had to turn myself in. So, I knew, that was what was expected of me was, if you do sin, you have to go to the elders, the leaders of the congregation, and you have to tell them what you did wrong, and then they will, give you the right form of punishment, and then they will forgive you and you'll be forgiven in the eyes of God. So I decided to turn myself and the guy in too, because you had to. And I didn't know what the process was like. I had never gotten in trouble before. I just knew that this is what I had to do in order to be forgiven. And so I went up to the elders and I told them I needed to make an elders meeting and to tell them, about what has happened, what I what I've done. And I was thinking it was gonna be this really beautiful experience. that brought me a lot of peace and forgiveness and would clear my conscience. I just I really had it pictured in my head that it was going to be like this beautiful experience these are the men of God and they're here for your best interests. And they called me into this meeting. Unfortunately, it was not what I was expecting it to be. One thing about witnesses too is women can't be in leadership. So it's only men that are allowed to be in charge. So you would never see like a woman up there giving a speech or having some extra responsibilities like holding the microphones or reading, the magazines out loud to the congregation. that's just not something that is allowed, right? You can't even pray in front of another man, unless you are wearing a head covering. So They take it very seriously that no women can be in charge. So this meant that me as an 18-year-old girl was now alone in a room with three older men. that was it, right? I had no one else there there for me. I don't know now exactly what I was expecting. I thought maybe I would tell them a little bit about what happened and then they would give me encouragement, read me a little bit about, ri from the Bible, pray over me. But what it really was was these three older men asking me the most detailed, inappropriate questions I had absolutely no idea how to answer them. They wanted details of everything that happened, exactly how it happened, how many times it happened, who did what to who. And it was it was so violating, To be there and in my head be wondering like why do they need to know this specifically? And just that feeling you get when you know something is wrong. Like it was just warning bells were just firing in my body. And I would answer the questions, and it just felt so wrong to answer them in the amount of details that they wanted, but they just kept wanting more details and more And then after they asked these details, they then started to tell me why I was so shameful, why everything I had done was so wrong, and just make me feel like I am just so disgusting for messing around with a boy. For an 18-year-old girl messing around with a boy, I was then told by these men why I was sinful in the eyes of God and why I should be so ashamed. So as this was going on, mind you, before this, I had been like really the perfect believer, just somebody who played by the rules to a T. so I'm listening to them. I'm trying to like get back on track and and take anything I can from this experience. But as they continue on and the warning bells in my body keep going off, I then have what I didn't know at the time was my very first intuitive message come through. I heard this voice literally drop down into my consciousness and say, no one in this life should ever have this much control over you. And it was like as clear as day. And those warning bells that were going off in my body, that anxiety, those waves of just anxiousness that was coming through after I heard that message, no one in this life should ever have this much control over you. It was just calmness and this this peace that came over me. And it was like I took this step back from them and took back. This little bit of control that I maybe have never had in my entire life. And that's when I kind of came to myself and realized what was going on. And that's when I started to speak to myself and and just think, okay, say what you have to say to get out of here. Say what you have to say to make, you know, make them happy, make them think that you're listening. And then you're going to walk out and And we can't do this, right? Because if these really were the men of God, they would not be making me feel this way. They would not be pushing my boundaries like this. And and I just want to say that to anyone who has experienced something similar in a confession of any sort, in a religious structure, or if anyone has ever made you feel uncomfortable, right? Your body knows, like you know when something is pushing your own personal boundaries. And if it feels wrong, then it is wrong. I don't care who these people are claiming to be. You know, these men had claimed that they were literally my ticket to God. Like they they are appointed from Jehovah God Himself. And so I needed to listen to them. But I knew in my heart that the real men of God would never be sitting there violating my own personal self and making me feel the way that I'm feeling right now. And I do think like in these structures where purity culture is something Or just th this idea of sin in general in religion. Like there has to be some changes that go on where women or people in general need to be protected. They need to make sure that they're in a safe space if they are wanting to share and talk about what happened. And you should never be pushed to talk about an experience more than you are ready to talk about it, first of all. And second of all, it's it's just this weird position of power. that can happen when these men are there with you and they want more information and you feel this pressure, like you have to talk to them about it because they are these leaders and you have to listen to them. And I just wanna let this be a message that that's that's not okay. And I I don't even feel connected to purity culture at all anymore, but I do know that that side of it needs to change because these experiences that are experiences that happen to literally everyone and it is normal to have sexual experiences with people as you become an adult and and grow into who you are. And to taint those experiences with guilt and shame, I think is just completely inexcusable. And to make people feel uncomfortable in these rooms that you bring into for confessions, mm-mm, not okay. So I walked out of that room did a complete 180 of my life. Truly. I was this perfect believer that went to every single meeting and was always out door to door And I was in this in the community deeply, right? I had all of my friends and all of everyone was was in it. And I just thought I can't do this anymore. I can't do this and I'm not going I'm not going to do this. I still believed it was true. Because it's deeply ingrained in you. So I can't just like shut off every belief that is connected in my brain. But I I knew even though this is probably the truth, I would rather die when Armageddon comes than to let this system, let these men have this much control over my life. So I decided to walk away and left. And it was a very scary experience and sad. I lost a lot of my childhood friends. You know, you can't you can't be friends with people anymore in the religion if you leave the religion. But you're also only allowed to be friends with people who are in the religion. So it it causes you to leave feeling very isolated and you have to completely start over in life, right? A lot of people in the religion like even have as they get older you have a lot of like they start businesses where they do jobs with other witnesses and it's like this whole connection and so it's really set up in a way that if you do leave, you can't leave with your dignity intact. You have to leave stripped of everything that you've ever loved and you've gotta find out if you're strong enough to start over. And I was. I was strong enough to start over. I started working at a restaurant and started making worldly friends. Worldly is the term that witnesses say for people who aren't in the religion. So I started making friends and I met someone who's still my best friend to this day. She really took me under her wing and introduced me to her friends and I just started to get more comfortable with like who's this person, right? Who am I? Without someone always telling me exactly what I need to do. And it was a very exciting time of my life, even though it was also a very heartbreaking time of my life. It was like I lost so much of my belief systems and my friends and just like what I thought life was. But I also gained so much too, like this sense of freedom that I've never had before. I also lost, though, this sense of purpose that we talked about earlier. To have that unique experience of knowing what your purpose is from the very beginning and then having that stripped away from you and you all of a sudden don't know anything about life or yourself, ugh, it is a heart-wrenching experience. you just become this wishy-washy. Person, I guess, the state that you're in where you don't know who you are, what you stand for, and it's a really disorienting thing to go through. And then you mix that with having the most freedom you've ever had in your life, especially when you're in your twenties, early 20s, I got myself into a little bit of trouble. And I started partying a lot, and I found that with all the stress that I started to feel and all of the anxiety that was another thing is like that panic attack that I had in my bed that was not the last that was certainly not the last it started happening a lot anxiety became a part of my day-to-day sometimes my moment to moment like it was so intense I mean when you are raised in a way that you believe doomsday is coming and then you leave it, you start to look for signs of it coming at any moment. So if a storm came through or, like even loud noises, things like that can really set somebody off who has been raised to believe that Armageddon is coming or some form of doomsday is coming. and I really did feel like, my gosh, if it does come today, I'm gonna die. If it comes tomorrow, I'm gonna die. Like if it comes, you right here, right now, like I'm not making it. And that just caused so much stress for me. And I found that one of the ways to shut that off and just to have fun with this freedom was to party all the time and to drink and to go to raves and just to do all of these things, which when you're young, like a lot of people do party and have like so much fun. And and a lot of the experiences I did have was a lot of fun. but I think that mixed with the fact that I had always been told this is wrong and you can't do it and now I was in this stage of rebellion where I just wanted to just experience everything in life and do whatever I wanted to do. And then also when I did it, it's shutting my mind off and I don't have to think about all of these things. Like, what is my purpose? What is the meaning of life now that the meaning I was always taught is not actually true. And what do I believe in? And who am I? Because I have been told from the second I was born exactly who I am and what I meant to believe. And now that I'm on my own, I don't know what to do. And so yeah, maybe on its own, if I had been in my early twenties just drinking and having a good time, it might have just ended at that. But unfortunately it continued on and on and on and I started to, get myself in some bad situations, just blacking out a lot and Having two, three, four night benders and just treating my body not how it's supposed to be treated. And that, maybe in the moment shuts the anxiety and the depression off, but it eventually, increases it after you stop drinking for the week or whatever. And then the anxiety is heightened and it only gets worse. So I was stuck in a really tricky cycle. eventually I found and I'll go into this more in next episodes, but I found energy healing and breath work. And those were the tools that really taught me that, it's time to stop outsourcing my power. I grew up in a way that was always about outsourcing my power. I was always looking for someone or something else to tell me what was right and what was wrong. And now I didn't know what was going on inside, right? I didn't know I could turn into my own heart and my own body and figure out what feels right and what feels wrong to me. I I didn't know. I was so shut off from my body. and so breath work and energy healing, Reiki, it really led me to realize that I do have power and that I don't need to outsource anything to anyone else. My greatest source of wisdom is the wisdom that I hold inside of me. so that was one of the main things that started pulling me out of this cycle of self-sabotage that I was in and get me on a path that felt good and true for me. Now, if you've been in a similar situation, let me just like Bring it back and say some of the things that really helped me, is I would say the first thing to do is to find a support group. If you were raised in a certain religion or had a certain like situation, find a support group because you feel so alone and like you are so different from everyone around you. I know that's how I felt when I left. I had no one to really talk to about this, that understood on a deep level. So yeah, the people in my life, the friends that I made, and if you're dating someone, it's like they they listen to you and they truly love you and they want to understand you. But the truth of the matter is they really don't on a certain level, right? Or at least to really get them to understand, you've gotta explain every little term and the language behind it. it can feel exhausting sometimes. so to be able to go into a support group and just really be around other people that have been in such a similar experience as you, it really opens your eyes to the fact that, my gosh, like I am actually not alone. And there are so many people that I can speak to, that I can reach out to, that can help me, and I can hear what they're going through and realize, you know, like wow, I I am not alone in this journey. Other people understand me. And so that's actually something that happened to me when I ended up moving away from my hometown. I moved to New Zealand and Australia for a couple years because I wanted to move away from that hometown and running into people that I knew that don't talk to me anymore. and when I moved away, I remember I was telling somebody, they asked me like, have you ever like researched Jehovah's Witnesses? And I had been out for maybe like four or five years at this point. And I said to them, no, you know, there's so many like lies that are posted about them online and like there's so many people that just like hate hate Jehovah's Witnesses. And so it's like not good to Google things. that was one of the rules that we grew up with as as witnesses is you cannot research anything about Jehovah's Witnesses that is not published directly from Jehovah's Witnesses themselves. from the governing body, which is like the big main system, where all of the information gets filtered out of from New York. I was taught that you can't read anything or Google anything or research anything about Jehovah's Witnesses unless it's been published by the governing body themselves. I mean, that's that's not good. you should always be allowed to research anything that you want to in order to. figure out if something is meant for you. So that that's a red flag for sure when you are looking into things. but I said that to my friend and they looked at me and they were like, hmm, do you think maybe you could still be a little bit brainwashed? And they said it very lovingly. but another moment of just My gosh, utter clarity just came through and I realized, I am still being brainwashed. so that night I went home and I Googled ex-Jehovah's Witnesses and a YouTube video came up of a girl that was about my age or maybe a little older, and she told her story, kind of like the one I'm telling today. And it just it was like she was speaking. part of my story and I felt so seen and so understood. And that gave me the courage to Google everything and research everything that I wanted to. And that's when I started to find out about a lot of the child abuse scandals and a lot of the different things that have been happening behind the scenes that, I wouldn't have known because I followed the rules of not Googling anything that was not published by witnesses themselves. I had this moment of freedom 'cause up until then, for the first four or five years out, I still believed it was true. And I just thought, well, when Armageddon comes, I guess I'm gonna have to die. but that was the moment when I realized that I don't believe it's true anymore. It it can't be. And no true religion would have these scandals that they're covering up and cause this much harm. And that's when I joined the support group. It was online. So, like, you don't need to join something in person if you don't have anyone nearby you or you're nervous. I joined one online and I got to really connect with some wonderful people that were ahead of me in that healing journey or right there beside me, and so I got. to get support from so many people and be there in the trenches with so many people as well and then if I had something come up I could just post about it bring it to these people and they would listen and they would understand and it was just such a beautiful experience so I highly recommend finding a support group I think that that is like a beautiful part of the healing journey and then as you start to Feel like you have made strides in your own healing journey. Of course, it's not linear, you'll have your ups and downs, but when you are starting to feel like you are growing and and coming to a better place, you can be that person in the support group that sees someone else that's gone through something similar, and you can now help them through that too, which I think is a really beautiful part of the process when you are healing from something like this. And I also think it's just important to understand when you do go through something like this, or you have been raised in a way that shuts off your own critical thinking and your own intuition, is you need to start giving space for your intuition to come through. To come through again or to come through maybe for the first time. I am so eternally grateful that I had that moment in the elders' room where I had my intuition come through to me and say that to me. I believe that that was like it had to be some sort of divine intervention or something. my higher self maybe sending that message down. I don't know, but what I do know is I'm so grateful for it. but then it wasn't like I was just this incredible intuitive person. From there on out. Like I said, I started to really like disconnect myself from my body by drinking all the time and just like really dealing with a lot of anxiety and living a life of chaos and never getting any time to myself. And so if you are feeling disconnected from your intuition and you feel like, you know, messages never come through, maybe you feel like they never have before or they haven't for a long time. You need to start giving your intuition the space and the understanding that it can come to you again. And not doing it in a way where you're trying to force the messages to come through or you know, sit there in silence for a minute and be like, why is nothing coming through? I knew this wasn't gonna work, right? No, you need to you need to nurture this relationship as if you are nurturing a relationship with an old friend that you've lost contact with, right? Maybe a friend that you haven't been a very good friend to recently and you wanna build That trust back or build back that open line of communication. And so you need to start doing things to just show your intuition that you are listening and you are ready whenever it wants to come through. So obviously, I'm gonna say breath work is an amazing tool for this. So letting yourself do some deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth. And just continuing to breathe, maybe placing your hand on your heart as you do so. and then just seeing if anything comes through. I think Sorry, my dog's been so quiet this whole time, but she saw our neighbor. so we want to make sure we are giving ourselves this time to deeply breathe, even if it's just a few deep breaths, even if it's just for a few minutes, and just building that practice, or maybe you just want to sit in silence, just coming back to moments of presence because your intuition has probably been speaking to you this whole time, right? I don't believe that it's ever just gone out of your life. it's probably just whispering to you right now and you're not able to hear it because you're never allowing yourself to come into pure presence with yourself. And so just having that moment of silence, hand on your heart, maybe a few deep breaths, and just see if anything comes forward, right? Maybe it won't the first time, the second time, the tenth time. And then one day something little might pop through. Maybe a word, maybe a phrase. And you can practice too by just asking yourself some questions, right? Like maybe yes or no questions. Like, do I want eggs for breakfast? Do I want to go for a walk? Or do I want to go for a run? asking yourself like certain questions that don't really mean anything, right? they don't have weight to it yet. Because if you're asking yourself a question that doesn't have weight to it yet, Then the stakes aren't as high. And you can start to build that confidence up again, and then you can start asking yourself questions like, what do I want to eat today? What do I want to do today? Do I want coffee or do I want tea? And how does my body respond to that, right? Maybe your body said it wanted tea and then you had a pot of coffee and now you're feeling anxious and jittery. And that's also a lesson in and of itself of what happens when our intuition comes through, and then we choose not to listen to it. And so it gets to be this beautiful exploration and this reunion with your intuition and with your body connecting again and really feeling into what does a yes feel like in my body? What does a no feel like? What does my body feel like when something is right and in alignment? And what does it feel like when something is out of alignment or feels wrong, right? And that's another reason it's so important to build these practices. So when we are, if we are ever in moments where someone is pushing. our boundaries like I had in the elders room our our intuition and our body is connected enough where we're able to really deeply feel that something is wrong and we're able to advocate for ourselves and get ourselves out of those situations. Okay. And that's my cue because my dog is starting to bark. I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really wanted to take a moment to just say this part of my story that I've never really dived into and never put out before. I've said like bits and pieces online before and I've spoken to people in person about it, but I've never like had a space like a podcast where I can just tell the story and dive into it and just be open and vulnerable and and just like see it through the lens of curiosity and just the things that I can learn from it and hopefully connect with others who maybe you've experienced the same or similar and you feel like you need some sort of support and I am here for you, so maybe you have experienced something similar and you just need somebody to speak to or just wanted to hear that somebody has gone through something similar and has seen the other side. even with all the messiness in between this journey has been so worth it and i will share more about this journey as time goes on thank you for listening and please dm me on instagram at energy with alex if you want to tell me a little bit about your story and we can connect further all right send you so much love bye Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of the Energy with Alex podcast. If you loved this conversation, it would mean so much if you could share it with your community and like, rate, and subscribe to the podcast so that I can continue having these incredible conversations every single week. I will see you next Thursday.