Latest / The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity / Pérdida Ambigua: The Grief of Feeling "Ni De Aquí, Ni De Allá" (w/ Eliana Perez) | Bonus Ep
Transcript
- Daiana, LMHC: Hello friends and welcome to a very special of The Living Lost Podcast. I am Daiana Bernard. And since I thought about these episodes, I thought that I to them relaxed, like you are with your cousins or cousins with your coffee. And to accompany me. I be hanging out with you in Spanish, Spanish, English, a little And we're going to dive into first and second generation experiences that we don't always have words for. nuestra cultura no nos enseñan. No nos enseñan estas palabras o estas... these experiences. Y aprendemos a echar palante. Sin procesar the hard things, right? But you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. So in this program we are to about the loss of feelings and today we are exploring the different types of grief. And since my Spanish is not very good looking, have here my friend, my cousin, my friend. She said that she guinea pig but no. Not my guinea pig. Welcome girl. Thank you. Eliana Perez: Hehehehehe Daiana, LMHC: I think I have water. Eliana Perez: See you Dominican I can't drink until now because I'm a headache. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, I know. Well, to tell you the truth, I drink coffee like that from... getting to 6 because I knew I had a session, so I was going to this. I usually Eliana Perez: Okay. Daiana, LMHC: function more in the daytime. But okay, Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: so let me tell you how all this started. From the podcast. I don't know if I've told you how this started. Eliana Perez: We but not in detail. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, that's true. So I mean, you know me all my life. You know I liked acting and all these things, right? then you grow up, you have to study, work. I have children, husbands, all those things. And for me, all that creativity that I had, it's like, where is it? So I always felt like I wanted to something creative. And other things, like I was in the 80s and 90s, to be on the radio you had to have... How do you say it there? How is it? Yeah, you need to Eliana Perez: Like you needed to know. Daiana, LMHC: know someone, right? And I mean, it's still like that now. But, and I'm sure you see it too. It's like, have changed so much that everyone has access. de hacer un programa. Esa si tu quieres ser creativo, tu te ponen YouTube, te ponen TikTok, te ponen en podcasts. So it's like, I couldn't let this opportunity go to create something and I don't have to, mean, you know, it's here, right? Pero yo pensé esto hace años. Años. Yo no sé ni cuánto. Pero yo creo que antes que yo comencé a estudiar para hacer consejera or terapeuta or whatever. So I had thought about it many times in different ways. As I became a counselor and started organically going into grief and trauma. And a big part of being in school for counseling is learning about yourself. So uno va aprendiendo con los hijos, uno va aprendiendo de sí mismo. Uno aprende más de uno mismo mirando a los niños. And it can be Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: a nephew, can be whatever. You start to think about how I was, how my life was when I that age. And Eliana Perez: See. Daiana, LMHC: the difference between how things are now. And one day, I was talking to my cousins, we were talking about this topic, about pain, about trauma, about things that we went through. pero no lo sabíamos que lo estábamos pasando. It's like you're going through all these things and you're like, my God, that's really what I went through. como entendiendo los padres, entendiendo lo hermano, hermanas, entendiendo todo lo que no pasó o lo que vivimos y como no afecta ahora. And Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: then, cuando estaba, it was so nice. It felt like a of like a fish bowl conversation. Like we were on a panel and I was like, this is what I want. Like this is what I want it to be. And it's, it's evolved, right? Like I, see, para mi asi es la cosa. Cuando tu quieres algo, tu lo logras y sigue adelante. Pero nunca es como tu pensaba, ni cuando tu pensaba, Eliana Perez: Mm. Daiana, LMHC: ni con quien tu pensaba. Right? So yo pensaba que esto iba a ser, iba a ser in spanglish, iban a hablar de duelo y para ayudar a la comunidad, para hablar más de esta experiencia. Pero no fue así. Porque yo no podía hablar sola. I like, I tried to record myself and I was like, this is not working. Entonces yo estaba haciendo la amiga mía y ella dijo, vamos a hacerlo juntos. Entonces ahí cogió como otro camino que las dos somos terapeuta, que ella es americana. Tú sabes, cosas así que cogió como otro camino que está, que Thank God it went very well. We started in January. We did a... How do say season? It's like we did our first season. Season. Eliana Perez: forever in the park. Daiana, LMHC: Eva, this is gonna happen a lot. I'm gonna be like, how do you say... Eliana Perez: Hahaha! Daiana, LMHC: The season. The first season we like 22 episodes. We met people. Yeah! right? Eliana Perez: That maybe? Daiana, LMHC: That's why you call yourself a guinea pig. Eliana Perez: You see, you're probably right. Daiana, LMHC: Listen, listen, there's many different ways. It's all good, right? So, Unica para mi right to know it another my primera generación la sida, you know and the thousand you do not see they in Brooklyn, New York The criaste from can be said by the criaste in in the Republic of Dominicana He yeah, put a graduate That's another reason you see is like, you have all these things, all right? You're my avatar, you're my muse, right? So it's like, this is really where you, like, I think you have roots in DR, but you have roots here. Like you've recreated roots here. So you have the experience of a person who lives in the Dominican that you know that the culture is completely different. As I explain what I conceptualize in my mind, I know the Boricua de Nueva York and they are Boricua de Nueva York. So if you go Puerto Rico, it's a different And so we don't have a cool like New Yorker. Dominic York is not as cute as New York, right? It doesn't hit the same, but it's like the same experience, right? Right? Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. But it's not used very much. Not even for like... Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. La única palabra que yo conocía era luto. Ella está en luto. yo estoy haciendo luto por... And Eliana Perez: Well, yeah. Daiana, LMHC: also, then, luto is not necessarily grief either. Right? Or I'm doing grief for this person. So, I, so, es diferente. Es diferente. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: Una cosa que yo quiero tomar en claro, que yo siempre, you know, lo cojo en serio, es que cuando nosotros estamos hablando de lo que no tuvimos cuando éramos niños, desde lo que no nos enseñaron, ni un momento, nosotros estamos diciendo que ¿Ellos lo hicieron mal? Eliana Perez: sorry. No parents. Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Eliana Perez: No parents. It's different. It's a totally different And you have to deal with it differently. The things that are exposed are different. I find myself very often explaining to my mom that part where I tell her, I don't judge the way you did it. Was it best way? Maybe not. But at the end of the day, you did what you could. I know it never intended to hurt one. Now, if I tell you now. como adultos que eso no está bien y te doy las razones de por qué no y tú no quieres aceptarlo ya eso es otra cosa pero ya al final del día nuestros padres trataron venir aquí fue algo para darnos lo mejor a nosotros o sea intentar ofrecernos una mejor vida vivir bien no sobrevivir pero al final del día mudarse a un país que tú no conoces que ya tú tienes gente But those people speak the same language as you. Those people don't speak the language of the country. So, you know, they did the best they could with what they had. Daiana, LMHC: Exactly. sometimes I feel like when you talk about that, parents can feel bad, like, wow, I did everything for you, you're complaining, and I never want them to feel that Because when I was thinking about this episode, I was thinking that I am how I am because of mommy. Because mommy, that's I don't like small talk. Because mommy always says Eliana Perez: Yep. Daiana, LMHC: I see why I am the way I am. And at the time, didn't know, I also didn't have all the information I now. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: Also, even the things I so, sometimes they were wrong in school. They put me in bilingual when, and that delayed me. Okay. It like, he Eliana Perez: wow. Daiana, LMHC: did things back then that also even if they tried to give us help, it might have not been good. So I'm like, I'm good. Eliana Perez: you Daiana, LMHC: Like, I'm good that you didn't help me, right? Right? Eliana Perez: Okay. Mm-hmm. I think it's like It's like people would say it's ungrateful. Or even Daiana, LMHC: Eso. Eliana Perez: in the case of us, because for example, I have it on both sides. I have it on the side where a lot of people tell me, Today you're going live in the Dominican or you're going to stay in the And it's like, no. I go, my parents live there, every year. My family lives there and my nervous system calms down there. Because everyone understands me and, I mean, I can be who I and no one judges me or anything. But my life is here And it's hard to explain to people. That my life is here, but that doesn't mean that I miss the And Daiana, LMHC: Yes, I mean. Eliana Perez: the same thing happens, for example, in English they always say, two things can be true. And it's the same with, for example, someone who arrived here in the 80s, like most of our parents, in early 80s, late 70s, they, the poor, I mean... I don't think they complained because the point is that, I come, lot of people are trying and I couldn't, I could arrive, but I also know that when all the Dominicans they didn't talk about the States, they didn't talk about work, they talked about the countryside, about, I'm going in December, about, miss such a thing, it's still funny because I live in Carolina now and I don't live in New York. And it's something that, despite moving, I need like the... There's a birthday and the whole family and they do barbecue. But there's rice with noodles. That's Daiana, LMHC: Yeah Eliana Perez: a lot. The meat is overcooked because, just in case. And Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: it's like, even though we weren't in the Dominican it was like a piece of the Dominican here. So, always one like... Siempre está el ni de aquí ni de allá en ese sentido. Daiana, LMHC: Okay. Okay. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Incomprehensible? Daiana, LMHC: You minimize that. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I can't complain about living here. I I can't complain about missing the chicharrones, the empanadas, Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: the going to the at every moment I want. Things like that. Not one, because at the end of the day it's like, but you're there and you're fine. Or you wanted to here. And Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: it's like, yes, but that doesn't away the other part either. Daiana, LMHC: Is ambiguous loss? Ambigua? Ambigua. Eliana Perez: La Pérdida Daiana, LMHC: How do you say, I'm thinking of the word like. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: And correct me if I'm saying it wrong. porque el pais esta ahi, tu tienes familia ahi, esta vivo, es un Eliana Perez: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: duelo vivo, es que tu primo que se criaron juntos no puede viajar. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. See. Daiana, LMHC: Right? So, Eliana Perez: Mm. Mm-hmm. thing. Daiana, LMHC: para estas Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: experiencias y no teníamos, como se dice, it's like the luxury, like we're in survival mode. They're just trying to put food on the table. They're working. Right. Eliana Perez: You know, something, algo que es bien simple. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: is I receive a question approximately every time I my family or someone I know. Even at work. Because someone asked at work today. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: And it's, you don't intend to get married. Literally, the first Daiana, LMHC: Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai Eliana Perez: thought is not to answer. I have thought about it. And I said, if I feel like obviously I will do And if not, But my first stress and first thought is Just inviting my family to the wedding? I don't know how many people have to go. One. Problem number two. There lot of people that if I decide to that step, which is important, which a tremendous day, I would like those people to there. But they can't travel here. All this automatically means that I have to do a wedding in the which is also the point that I would have to do to everyone who lives here that maybe can't go to the Dominican So, these things that for certain people are not a problem and for me it's one of the first thoughts when someone Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: asks me about marriage because it's like, wait, unless I two, if I one and one there. Daiana, LMHC: There are some cultures that have like a week of a wedding, of celebration. Eliana Perez: I think India does that. Good for them, but... But you know, some cosas así que como que yo me imagino que una gente, por ejemplo, americana, que no tiene este punto de nosotros ni de aquí ni de allá, es algo que sería lo último que yo pensaría en él. Pero en el caso mío, hay varias tías y, you know, maybe antes mi abuela o mi abuelo pudieran ir, que ellos no viajaban tampoco. But it's this thought of, I would like to the people who are there too, in such an important And it's like, you know, it gets complicated. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: And it's like, no one, like, I don't know if other people think so, obviously, but it's things that come to mind when someone asks me. Because it's like, Daiana, LMHC: There are many examples of those that you feel like split. Split Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: apart. You know, Eliana Perez: Mm. Daiana, LMHC: And it's like, That's ironic to me. I don't know okay okay in language okay uno menos se expresa los sentimientos es que yo más me puede expresar pero estamos tú me dijiste también es que nosotros tenemos más palabras no tenemos nada más love tenemos tenemos me gusta quiero te quiero te amo te adoro y hay muchas diferentes maneras de expresarse Right, so, aún yo hablo más inglés o no tengo vocabulario tan desarrollado como en inglés o estudiado, lo que sea, yo como quiera me siento mejor. Right? Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it as a compliment. Like it's good. It's good. So, yeah. Eliana Perez: And you're trying at the end of the day. Because I feel that... And there's that other point where... You can all Latin American But for example, Puerto Ricans and Dominicans are more And Mexicans judge the other person because they don't speak perfectly. And it's like my life. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: I went to school. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: like primaria, secundaria, universidad, en español. Mi cerebro habla dos idiomas. Now I want to say fluently. Fluentemente suena raro. Pero Daiana, LMHC: Right? Eliana Perez: yo, o sea, yo puedo literalmente cambiar de los dos y hablar en cualquier situación en los dos. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, but for me it's a gift. you have is you know Eliana Perez: Thank Daiana, LMHC: how write and read in both languages. I Eliana Perez: E Daiana, LMHC: read as if were in kindergarten in Spanish. Eliana Perez: But if you knew that, for example, of the books I read, I them English. I got to I think it was that I 100 years of Soledad in Spanish and that book killed me. Daiana, LMHC: We are still never wrong. A book, the theme and how long it is. I'm traumatized. Eliana Perez: So, you know, like, are things that make you feel like you're being judged. Even me. For example, I've been in the U.S. now. There were times when my brain, that genius, would forget the words. People didn't tell me because they didn't see it. But I look at as if I at this. No, literally the word is embedded in both languages. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: that, the mental lagoon exists in both languages. And for example, Daiana, LMHC: Hmm? Eliana Perez: I feel guilty when I'm speaking with someone in Spanish. And I have to think the word because my brain, some divine reason, knows it in English. But sometimes I feel so good that there are words that I maybe learned. I don't know if it happens to the I learned numbers in Spanish. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Eliana Perez: My brain can count in English. I can count, so don't judge me on that. But I can faster in Spanish. Like, English, I have to think the numbers. In Spanish, I can count super fast. I is not that hard. But, mathematics, when I'm adding and I'm good with numbers for some reason. But, for... I don't Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. is anticipatory grief. Duelo anticipado. yo te voy a dar un ejemplo propio, propia o es que yo miro a los tres niños míos y a mí me da mucha tristeza que no hablan español. Y por muchas razones. Una, que mi esposo y yo hablamos inglés. la mayoría de la comunicación es inglés. Mi familia, extendida, habla en español y nada más habla en español. Y cuando ellos estaban más chiquitos, estaba más con ellos, vamos a ir la primera mía, entiendes todo. Right? Pero entonces yo aprendí que nosotros tenemos dos cosas, el lenguaje receptivo y expresivo. Right? Entonces ella los recibe, lo entiende, pero para expresarlo es difícil. Pero el duelo... One, two. We are, as you were saying, living in a very society and a home that has to work both. And it's harder, we have more obstacles. So that is an example of an anticipated When you anticipate it, you are feeling But you're suffering from something in the future that hasn't happened, that maybe, who knows, if I can teach you. Right now, what I'm doing is I let you TV or anything during the week when start school. So I said, okay, you can watch a program during the week, a program day, if you it Spanish. And the middle one got on and put on a movie and then she said, no, but... I if I listen to in English, I'm going take off. So she said, and I to English, and I said, aha. And she said, no, the song, else. No, the song also in Spanish. So I said, OK. that's that's true. But she changed it. So, is an example of how... Eliana Perez: Yes, it's like... It a lot too... My cousins, for example, now. And I think they like two weeks left to come back. And they were already doing the duel that they had to come here. And I, my life... I enjoy the time. My cousin was like, you don't... Not like you me voted, like I... My life. You were a month. I I spent a month... And I to another time, was a week and half. And I was like, you know, it's okay, enjoy it. But she's getting withdrawals and... telling you that has to go back. But, know, the logic is always, you have to go back. I so, right? Daiana, LMHC: Yes, yes. And the things that you are saying, very different of going on vacation and saying, these vacations went quickly. It's not the same as anticipating the pain that you feel leaving your family or leaving your country Eliana Perez: Mm. Daiana, LMHC: or having to go back to your routines that are different from yours when you there. So it's a duel. Right? Right? Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: And what happens a that we go to next one, that it says delayed grief or duelo, what was it? The... Delayed grief. So, it redressed or wounded? Eliana Perez: Deferred in the sense that... Well, when we talked before we we were talking about the point where... I don't have time for that now. Like, I know it's here. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, we're fine. Eliana Perez: I'm watching it. I'm sorry. But wait. Like, let me deal with all the other things that are going wrong or all the other responsibilities that I have. And I'm going put here next it. And I'll you in a But yes, the late or the deferred, which is something that at the end of the day, you know, it catches up with you. It's something that you put in. Daiana, LMHC: Yes. And let me tell you, yeah. Let me say to if the who is listening right thinks about all of this pain has happened to So, the consequence of delaying it so much, or hurting it so much, that when the time it knock you down, or... Para seguir, como se dice, retrasándolo, con Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: un beber, alcohol, para ponerlo más pequeño, para hundirlo. Right? Ajá. Eliana Perez: emotions. Daiana, LMHC: Con alcohol o con lo que sea o tal vez con tal de mal humor o hacer cosas que no lo había hecho si estuvieras sintiéndote bien. But that's like Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: neglected. Neglado. Neglado? No, I don't think so. Eliana Perez: neglected it's like you don't pay attention to it basically in a sense Daiana, LMHC: I was told. Eliana Perez: neglected Daiana, LMHC: This is going to become a Spanish costume. Eliana Perez: Yeah, it's like, you're not anywhere near what we use. Daiana, LMHC: I make up words too. So that might not be a word, right? Eliana Perez: I don't know, it's a word in Spanish. Daiana, LMHC: ¿Qué fue que tú me dijiste en estos días que no sabía una palabra en español y después dijiste como una definición? ¿Cómo fue? ¿Tú te recuerdas? Eliana Perez: Yeah, cabala. Sex superstition, cabalas. Daiana, LMHC: God, I love you. Eliana Perez: I do. Like, neglected will be somewhat, forgotten, como olvidado, pero como... Daiana, LMHC: Something that is very important, but you are giving importance. Eliana Perez: Yeah, como que no le pones atención. Como que no le das la atención que mereces en un sentido. Pero por alguna razón la palabra Daiana, LMHC: Okay. Eliana Perez: neglected, como que no me encuentro usando en español, so no... Daiana, LMHC: know. Pero déjame decirte ahora, próxima is complicated grief, right? Duelo complicado. Eliana Perez: Okay. Daiana, LMHC: Y al fin, delayed grief can become Eliana Perez: Hmm. Daiana, LMHC: complicated, right? Because the pain remains intense and disrupts Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: your daily life, como estaba diciendo. Entonces, el duelo que tú lo atrasa, que lo empuja para abajo, que no le da tensión. You're not it. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I am blow the poor hembl of a emigrate is Yes, okay much a henten migra key he applicable a Tinos europeos Meroeastern at all. You're gonna kill me. Yes Okay, no sepocamos en Vinimo hockey para sobrevivir y para tener una vida mejor si pero You are living that life better. Or you are pausing that life for Daiana, LMHC: Oof. Eliana Perez: a future. Daiana, LMHC: How do young it? That is so true. my God, that's very profound. Eliana Perez: and they don't live here. Recently we were talking about someone who unfortunately lived here his life. worked, or a man who died. And that poor man killed his whole here. He built a house in the Dominican he never lived he never enjoyed And he left here and was buried in D.R. But it was my gift. You spent your whole killing yourself working for this better life than you were going to live at some point the American But you never got live. Because you know, you delayed it. For some reason. That if x, life passes. That if debts. That if this, that that. You know, because sometimes I think people forget that for example we live here and we go there on vacation. But the bills and the bills continue to here. When you come back. hay que pagar todo eso otra vez. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, Eliana Perez: Yeah, so, you know, so al final esto tiene mucho que ver con y aplazas y aplazas y aplazas y entonces cuando vienes a ver si te fue la Daiana, LMHC: Exactly. But something that is in your story that you giving this example, between that story and the we talking about, there is also trauma. And we even going to start talking about that because that's a whole different can of worms. But talk about complicated grief. is complicated. It is complicated because we have trauma. That man you're talking about is all I'm hearing. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: But that's another topic for another day. And Eliana Perez: to me. Daiana, LMHC: also the point is that the complicated the pain, anticipated, incomprehensible Right? Right? Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: Igual como el Living Loss Podcast en inglés, nosotros tenemos segmento que se llama The Living Loss. Living Loss Lesson. Living Loss Lesson. So how would you say that in Spanish? Eliana Perez: my God. Daiana, LMHC: So even if it's not a literal translation, like what would be the sense of it? What do you think? Eliana Perez: La lección de... vamos a decir que la lección de una vida perdida en un sentido. O... you know. Daiana, LMHC: No, porque los en esta oración es duelo. It's another way Eliana Perez: Okay. Daiana, LMHC: of saying loss. it's like un duelo viviente, pero no se va a decir así tampoco. So it's like una lección que no deja el duelo. Eliana Perez: Okay, that sounds way better. Daiana, LMHC: look at me. Yeah, so una lección. Eliana Perez: That's what I was trying to Daiana, LMHC: Como fue? Eliana Perez: I was trying to find Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: enseñanza. I'm like, can't remember. Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: I have to write this down later. Well, we end up with a lesson because, and that's something we don't talk about a but that we were a lot with phrases. Eliana Perez: yo me comunico con refranes todavía. Todavía en inglés. Yo en mi trabajo, todo el Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, yeah. Eliana Perez: mundo sabe lo que es mucho jamón pal pan. Y ellos no hablan español, pero ellos saben lo que mucho jamón pal pan significa. Porque yo lo digo también. Ellos ya Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: saben que mucho jamón pal pan no es bueno. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, Eliana Perez: See you. Daiana, LMHC: that's Eliana Perez: See. Daiana, LMHC: a good title too. y que tu piensa del tema que hablamos hoy, como que tu aprendiste en lo que hablamos, en los temas que tu tienes para decir. Eliana Perez: I every time we about the duel I identify a new one. Daiana, LMHC: Okay? Eliana Perez: Every time we about the duels I feel like I a new But I'm like, I didn't know about- Daiana, LMHC: I lie. You're so right. It's just the other day. Eliana Perez: You know, yo algo que recientemente, y hablando hoy de los duelos es el Don't like El ponerlo al lado el No voy a lidiar con esto ahora como decías al principio el echa palante Yo últimamente he aprendido y hoy según hablábamos vuelvo y reitero Deja de poner el duelo que tienes que lidiar con al lado porque el problema es que el duelo te da el chance de lidiar con él cuando tú quieras. Pero si tú no lidias con él y lo dejas al lado, el duelo te hace lidiar con él cuando él quiere. Y yo prefiero, he aprendido a lidiar cuando el duelo me dice, lidia con esto. Y son... I've had to live here and not feel like I'm or there. But as I earlier, two truths can coexist. So the two truths can be true and coexist. Yeah, it's not really that in a sense, but I mean those but others put in its coexisted in una Daiana, LMHC: Well, yeah. Eliana Perez: no tiene que ser verdad y la otra mentira y el punto es que you know joy aprendido a Ser Dominica a sentirme Dominica y cuando alguien me pregunta antes yo explicaba que mis padres son Dominicanos, pero yo nací en Brooklyn y ya yo Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: Y si hablamos más pues si ahí aprendes la otra parte But it's Dominican. And at Daiana, LMHC: Thanks. Good one. Yeah. Eliana Perez: the end of the reaction you have to the point where I say I'm Dominican is your problem 100%. If you want to ask question, it's your problem. Or if you want to say, my god, I went to Punta Cana, which is what I hear the Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: But usually, I listen to good things. Your people are extremely warm. my God, your food. So I've learned that, you know, living here and are beautiful of both sides. And living here doesn't take Dominican identity. Daiana, LMHC: Lo que tu aprendiste es tu identidad and to be Eliana Perez: Hmm? Daiana, LMHC: unapologetic about it. Yeah. And I love what you said about grief though. Del duelo que tu lo vas a lidiar. How do you say it? Like, right. So to let it be. Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: Tener esos sentimientos no te hace débil. It Eliana Perez: No. Daiana, LMHC: makes you stronger because you know Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: how to deal with your own feelings and your own experience. And so you can get to that meaning that you just made. well, I am unapologetically me and I have found my identity. But if you hadn't felt all that pain. La cosa es que es muy difícil aceptar el dolor. Uno siempre Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: lo rechaza, no quiere pasar trabajo, no quiere sufrir. Pero si tú lo pasas y lo sientes, ahí que tú vas aprender algo. Right? Eliana Perez: See. Daiana, LMHC: Wow, I love that. That was really good, Eliana. I never used that word, but that's what people say. una conversación muy Eliana Perez: Eres Carla? Si. Daiana, LMHC: buena muchas gracias esto se sintió como como yo lo imaginé como yo lo Eliana Perez: Okay. Daiana, LMHC: imaginé que algo que una conversación pero hablando de cosas más profundas y So welcome to everyone. These episodes are going to weekly. They going to be a bonus. I do have some people that I am talking to so that they come talk about the pain of losing like use of your body. A movement, Eliana Perez: I don't know. Daiana, LMHC: a leg, like... When you are young and have disabilities, you lose your identity because that is an ambiguous You are the one who Because your Eliana Perez: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: body changed. So I one person to talk about that, another person. I a few in mind. And if you who are listening us want to be in the podcast, send me an email. And will be in the show notes. I'm a people person at the end of the day. I love to talk and I love to hear people's stories. I love it. That's I think I talk to you because I look for you for your story because I love the story. And I saw it. I saw you. In all of that. And you've me in all this too. And something very important that I continue to talk is therapy. I want to talk a lot about what reality is. It's therapy. So that you don't have to afraid. So that you do seek help. So that you listen to something about this pain, about the different types that we have to know that someone died. That you can go and you're not crazy. People in English still say that like, Eliana Perez: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: you feel crazy. It's like no, you're not crazy or anything. Eliana Perez: I was seeing a psychiatrist who has more the capacity to medicate you than any other person in this sense. It's like, you have a third person who can see you from the outside, who can give you perspective. I don't know how much time, and even being psychologist, many people, we are reluctant to go to therapy because we understand what is happening. But in the end we are human And amount of times I go to therapy, feeling myself in one way, and I leave therapy feeling myself in another, but at the same time Daiana, LMHC: Wow. Eliana Perez: thinking, hey, you could at me a chin in that... But because Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Eliana Perez: I'm used to healing and to, you know, you got Daiana, LMHC: Eso mismo. Eliana Perez: this, going, you know, like you're strong, you can it. And I... mean, something that I would leave to everyone... But Daiana, LMHC: you Correcto. Eliana Perez: I could have learned those lessons in a different way. something that, you know, as Latin and first generation girls, you know, we have to learn that it's not always the difficult way that have to do things. Sometimes, you know, we to it easy, from time time. Daiana, LMHC: There's not gonna be no, this is raw, unfiltered, sin filtro, sin, sin na. I have a lot of passion. Do Latinos want to the perfect or not? We're the things that we like without being perfect. Because that's a struggle when you get to your age and you never did it. Right? And then you regret it. That's kind of struggle. So, this is going to be, how do say, unfiltered? Sin filtro, right? That's it. Unfiltered, raw, it what it out. And also a memory, as I am a therapist, Esto no son consejos. I'm not your therapist. No, yo no soy tu terapeuta. Esto es nada más para entretenimiento y educación y para pasarla bien. and that's it. That's just a disclaimer. All right. Eliana Perez: No, son esperiencias que viviste tú y que viví yo. Hay gente que Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Eliana Perez: no vivió esa experiencia. Hay gente que vivió una experiencia distinta. Al final del día, cada quien vive las cosas desde su punto de vista. Daiana, LMHC: Exactly. Eliana, thank you so much. Eliana Perez: Everyone. Daiana, LMHC: It's been like 50 minutes, I know how many minutes, but I know that if you let me, it's going to like 3 hours. Eliana Perez: Hahahaha Daiana, LMHC: Thank Eliana Perez: Yes. Daiana, LMHC: you so I hope that I do another episode really soon. Thank you. Eliana Perez: Ew. Bye.