Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #17: Breaking the Trauma Cycle: How to Stop Parenting Your Adult Kids Through the Lens of Your Negative Childhood

Transcript

#17: Breaking the Trauma Cycle: How to Stop Parenting Your Adult Kids Through the Lens of Your Negative Childhood · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever considered that how you were raised is shaping the way you parent?
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing: whether we realize it or not, we repeat the behavioral patterns of our parents.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: And when those patterns are good, we carry them forward to help our children grow into emotionally secure and confident adults.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: But when they are not healthy, they become our unhealed wounds or trauma that we impose on our children and can cause them emotional pain to the point of pushing them away.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: Which was the topic of last week's episode.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: The family trauma that my guest experienced growing up impacted her.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: And since she wasn't aware of it, she ended up repeating it in her life and then passing it on to two of her children.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: So to protect themselves from her emotional trauma and break the cycle, her boys decided to go no contact, which is something no parent ever wants to experience.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't listened to it yet, it's a great story because of the lessons we can all learn from it.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: And the episode before that, On Boundaries, talks about how our values from our own life experiences can affect how we raise our children.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: So there are many different types of trauma that get passed down, but in today's episode, we're going to focus on emotional immaturity because of how damaging this can be to our children.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about what it means, how to recognize it in yourself and your parents, the impact it can have on your kids, and most importantly, how you can overcome it so you can be the parent your child needs, regardless of their age.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: Because let's be honest, parenting doesn't stop when your kid turns 18.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: They still need you to be strong, to guide them, to be a good role model until your very last breath.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: So let's start with the basics.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: What does it actually mean to be emotionally mature?
2:50
SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of people think that they're emotionally mature just because they're older and have lived longer and have gone through the Cold War.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: But we know that that's the furthest thing from the truth.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Some of the most emotionally immature people we know are grown adults.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity is about how well you handle your emotions, how you respond to challenges, and how you treat others under difficult situations, especially your children.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: So here are five quick ways to check your level of emotional maturity.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: How impulsive are you?
3:23
SPEAKER_00: When things get heated, do you pause before reacting, or do you let your emotions dictate your responses and then regret it later?
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Now, if my kids are listening to this, they're nodding their heads.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: Now you should know that I don't ever pretend to be a perfect parent.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: I grew up with two very emotionally immature parents, and it has taken me years to undo that damage.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: And I still catch myself.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: So believe me, we are in this parenting world together, always healing, always trying to be better.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: The next one to check is how well do you listen to your children's feelings?
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Do you become defensive or dismiss them and make it all about yourself?
4:02
SPEAKER_00: Can you admit when you're wrong, apologize sincerely, and take responsibility for your actions?
4:08
SPEAKER_00: How do you handle conflict?
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Can you disagree respectfully without becoming aggressive or shutting down?
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Do you have trouble accepting your children's point of view?
4:18
SPEAKER_00: And what about boundaries?
4:20
SPEAKER_00: Healthy boundaries are essential, but overstepping, guilt tripping, or controlling is what happens when we are emotionally immature and the boundaries become blurred.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle with any of these, and honestly, we all have our moments, but I'm talking consistently, it doesn't mean you're a bad parent.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: It just means you have work to do.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: And the reason why it's so important for you to change this type of behavior is because when you lack emotional maturity, the conversations with your adult children can often turn into emotional outbursts and power struggles and guilt trips.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: And over time, that pushes your child away, sometimes to the point of no contact.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: Well, in this episode, I hope that I can help you to avoid that from ever happening.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: But before we go on any further, let's understand how you may have developed some of these unhealthy reactions.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: And just so we're clear, emotional maturity is not genetic.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: It's most likely because of your upbringing, but there are always exceptions.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: Here are some signs that you may have been raised by emotionally immature parents.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: One, they dismissed your emotions and made everything about them.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: Even when you were hurting, they often shifted the focus back to themselves.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: Two, they were unable to regulate their emotions, so their reactions were unpredictable.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: One moment they were loving, the next explosive, and other times completely withdrawn.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: Three, they rarely acknowledge their own mistakes, often wanting you to just move on without resolution because they never take responsibility.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: Four, they expected you to meet their emotional needs, which is called parentification.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: This is when the child becomes the parent.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: So instead of your parent providing you with guidance and support, they relied on you for that.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: It's basically role reversal, and that's just not how it's supposed to be.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: And five, emotionally immature parents lack healthy boundaries, imposing their values on you without any regard for your needs.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: So if any of this sounds familiar, it's highly likely that you grew up with at least one of your parents being emotionally immature.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: And ready for this?
6:40
SPEAKER_00: It's just as likely that they grew up with emotionally immature parents.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: This perpetuating cycle of unhealthy patterns is exactly what generational trauma is.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: So if you're not familiar with the term, it means that unresolved emotional wounds, psychological pain, and dysfunctional coping strategies get passed down from one generation to another.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: The good news is that these generational trauma cycles can stop.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: Just because you were raised a certain way doesn't mean you have to parent that way.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: You can break the family patterns by making a conscious decision to become more emotionally stable.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: You can be the one who teaches your child through your actions that real love includes listening, respecting, and being emotionally supportive to them.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: You have the power to change the legacy that you pass down if you want to.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: So now that we have a clearer picture of emotional immaturity, let's talk about how it impacts an adult child.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: If you struggle to manage your emotions, your kids will learn to walk around on eggshells.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: And as I mentioned earlier, my mother was very emotionally immature.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: And as a result, I was raised by an eggshell parent.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: As a child, I never knew what I was going to come home to.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: So I would tiptoe around her until I got a sense of her mood.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Most of my childhood, I learned to avoid anything that might set her off.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: For example, I kept my room clean because if she came home, opened my door, and saw a mess, the shit would hit the fan.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: So instead of feeling safe around her to express myself and my feelings, I became hyper-aware of her moods and had to adjust my emotions accordingly.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: Eggshell parents are the epitome of emotionally immature people, and they are highly unpredictable.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: So be very aware of this in yourself.
8:50
SPEAKER_00: Going from calm to angry, from cold to affectionate, and all without warning is very unhealthy.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: A child will develop a fear of conflict, an inability to express themselves, and oftentimes become people pleasers because they got used to having to keep the peace, your peace.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: But, and I'll talk about this in a minute, emotional awareness breaks that cycle.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: Since my mother was unable to do that, I had to figure this out for myself as I got older that in order for me to not do this to my kids, I had to become very aware of my emotional reactions towards my children.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: So let's carry on.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: If you don't take responsibility for your mistakes, your children learn that admitting when they are wrong is a weakness.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: So they may become adults who make excuses for their behavior and blame others instead.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: You see how the cycle repeats?
9:47
SPEAKER_00: If you dismissed or minimized your kids' emotions, prioritizing your own, they'll learn to suppress their feelings, become resentful, or even develop extreme emotional outbursts as an adult.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: If you controlled their choices because yours were more important or the correct ones, they may develop a lack of confidence in their own decision making.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: Parents who micromanage their children's lives often raise kids who struggle with independence, which is why this episode, or rather this topic, is so important.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: And the reason children pull away or even choose to go no contact is because being around this kind of behavior is simply not healthy for them.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: The distance that they create isn't about punishing their parents.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: It's about protecting themselves, finding the space they need to heal, and hopefully breaking the cycle.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: We're almost at the end, and of course, offering you actionable steps to move past this and start reframing your relationship with your adult children is how we're gonna wrap it up.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: If I had only one piece of advice, which I never do, I would say that all you need to do is focus on modeling the kind of emotional maturity that you want to see in your child.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: I'll give you some examples.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: If you want them to communicate better, start listening without interrupting and have conversations that don't turn into arguments.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: If you want your child to become accountable, start by owning your mistakes, apologize sincerely when you've been wrong.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: If you want your child to set healthy boundaries with other people, you must respect their boundaries.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: And if you want your child to become emotionally resilient, stop complaining about life's difficulties and model problem solving instead.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: Remember, your child is always watching you, even if they're an adult now, even if you think they aren't listening anymore.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: The way you carry yourself, the way you respond to conflict, and the way you handle emotions matter more than any advice you could ever give them.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: So here are the five steps that you can take to start developing emotional maturity.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: Number one, practice pausing before reacting.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Before reacting to your child in a heated moment, take a breath.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, am I reacting emotionally or am I responding thoughtfully?
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Two, journal or simply reflect on your emotional triggers.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: Every time you feel defensive, stop.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Don't react.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: Instead, think about or write down what triggered you.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what was I feeling?
12:44
SPEAKER_00: What was I afraid of?
12:46
SPEAKER_00: And how could I have handled that better?
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Three, stop trying to win conversations.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: Instead of thinking, how do I make them see my point?
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Shift to how can I understand theirs?
13:00
SPEAKER_00: Four, apologize.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: And I am not elaborating on that.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: Five, learn to sit with discomfort.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: When your child opens up and says something that makes you uncomfortable, instead of shutting them down, practice sitting with those feelings and reflecting on them.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Our children are our greatest teachers.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, our goal is not to become a perfect parent.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: That's impossible.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: It is about being self-aware, open to change, and willing to grow.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: The more you can do that, the stronger your connection with your adult child will be.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: When they see that you are actively working on yourself, it shifts the relationship.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: Maybe not overnight, and maybe not in the exact way you expect, but your growth will impact them.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: This is where the work starts with you.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated at all, I invite you to check out my 60-minute workshop on boundaries.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: If you want to learn how to communicate with your adult child in a way that builds connection, not conflict, that workshop is for you.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: The link is in the show notes, and I'd love to see you there.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.