Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 203 | Why Successful Women Struggle to Make Decisions and How to Trust Yourself Again

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203 | Why Successful Women Struggle to Make Decisions and How to Trust Yourself Again · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:00
  Erin Gray: Welcome back to Your Money, Your Rules.
• 0:02
  Erin Gray: Today we are talking about something that I think every business owner or founder experiences that's making decisions.
• 0:07
  Erin Gray: And more specifically, why so many smart, beautiful, capable women struggle with making them.
• 0:13
  Erin Gray: Because in my experience, most people aren't actually afraid of making the wrong decision.
• 0:19
  Erin Gray: They're afraid of what happens when they do, and they also are afraid of how they're going to treat themselves.
• 0:25
  Erin Gray: So let's dive in.
• 0:27
  Erin Gray: I think a lot of us grew up as really smart, straight A students.
• 0:32
  Erin Gray: At least that's has been my experience with the women that I have worked with and, you know, the A's in school and all of this stuff of like doing it, trying to do it perfectly and not get it right.
• 0:45
  Erin Gray: And we look at making these decisions.
• 0:48
  Erin Gray: We've taken how we have been in school and we approach decisions like we're looking for certainty.
• 0:55
  Erin Gray: We want to find the perfect answer.
• 0:58
  Erin Gray: We want the guaranteed outcome, the sign or the proof or the validation and leadership and owning your business, it doesn't work that way.
• 1:07
  Erin Gray: The future is unknown.
• 1:08
  Erin Gray: You can gather data, you can seek wisdom, right?
• 1:12
  Erin Gray: You can do your due diligence.
• 1:14
  Erin Gray: But at the end of the day, what I always say, like the buck stops with you.
• 1:17
  Erin Gray: Like you've got to make the decision.
• 1:19
  Erin Gray: You have to get information and data from the decision.
• 1:22
  Erin Gray: You have to feel into it and do it and then see how it works.
• 1:26
  Erin Gray: And the discomfort that we're so used to feeling, I think, is from that place of uncertainty.
• 1:32
  Erin Gray: It's not like making a decision because you either make it or you don't, right?
• 1:35
  Erin Gray: Or you make this decision or you make that decision.
• 1:37
  Erin Gray: Like there's nothing there.
• 1:38
  Erin Gray: That's the action.
• 1:39
  Erin Gray: It's, but it's like, what is the feelings that it's bringing up within us that's creating the hesitancy in making the decisions?
• 1:46
  Erin Gray: I have an actual post-it on my computer that says, I don't know the outcome.
• 1:52
  Erin Gray: And I'm trusting God and myself, anyways, and I'm moving forward.
• 1:55
  Erin Gray: I think for so many of us, you know, we think that also too, we're putting so much pressure on the decision that we are making versus this is just another step that we're doing and moving forward.
• 2:07
  Erin Gray: So many of us attach, I think, who we are, our identity, what we think about of ourselves as a human to the outcomes.
• 2:16
  Erin Gray: And we are so often attached to the outcomes that we are creating.
• 2:20
  Erin Gray: So, you know, we have beliefs around like, oh, if this works, then I've done a good job, or I haven't messed up, or I'm successful, or I'm credible, or capable.
• 2:32
  Erin Gray: Like insert whatever flavor you use or what your brain tells you that you, you know, when you are wanting to make decisions.
• 2:41
  Erin Gray: And then we have stories around like if it doesn't work, right?
• 2:46
  Erin Gray: Then we have those stories around like I'm a failure or this isn't going to work, or I'm irresponsible, or I messed this all up, or I should have known better.
• 2:55
  Erin Gray: Like there's a lot of beating up energy when it comes to if we make a decision and it didn't work out.
• 3:01
  Erin Gray: And I think for so many of us, we don't allow ourselves to just play and make some decisions.
• 3:08
  Erin Gray: We've heavily put so much into like the money that we're going to invest, or if we hire this person and it doesn't work out, or all of these stories that we have created, and because we make it mean so much about us, versus we're just a human in a business making a decision and then making another decision, it feels heavy.
• 3:32
  Erin Gray: We have attached our decision making to our identity, to our worthiness, to how we treat ourselves, for how we love ourselves once the decision didn't work out the way that we thought it would.
• 3:43
  Erin Gray: And I want to say here that decisions are just data.
• 3:47
  Erin Gray: That's it.
• 3:48
  Erin Gray: They just provide information.
• 3:49
  Erin Gray: And I have seen that the owners that are able to make decisions and not quickly as in like, let's hurry up, let's make decisions, but just the ones that are able to just make a decision, not make it mean anything about them, move on, gather the data, make another decision, just keep moving, are able to grow and to have a business that feels fun because you're not attaching your business about who you are as a human.
• 4:14
  Erin Gray: And so, how can we, you know, like detaching our identity?
• 4:18
  Erin Gray: Like, yes, so many of us love our business and it is a heart-led business, and it is coming from this place of I want to share and I want to give my gifts to the world and this business and this team and all of this.
• 4:29
  Erin Gray: And yes, that is true.
• 4:31
  Erin Gray: And also, like your business is its own entity, you are not wrapped up in that as well.
• 4:37
  Erin Gray: So I want you to think about how you have been making decisions and then what stories have you been taking from your decisions.
• 4:45
  Erin Gray: I have a client who was making some comments about like, well, I did this, and then you know, like I got a yes, but then it didn't work out the way I thought.
• 4:52
  Erin Gray: It's like, who knows what your intuition, maybe you needed to actually have that exact experience to move through that.
• 4:59
  Erin Gray: To maybe it was a it was a lesson in learning of loving yourself even more than you already do.
• 5:05
  Erin Gray: Maybe that was what your intuition was wanting to teach you.
• 5:09
  Erin Gray: Who knows?
• 5:09
  Erin Gray: Like we want to judge, oh well, our intuition said this and then it didn't work out the way I thought.
• 5:14
  Erin Gray: It's like, yeah, because that's what your mind was creating.
• 5:17
  Erin Gray: Like we don't know everything that is supposed to be happening, right?
• 5:21
  Erin Gray: Like this is the work that we're doing with ourselves and with God.
• 5:25
  Erin Gray: And I think when we can really tap into that, He does have a bigger plan for us, that we need to let go of the control.
• 5:32
  Erin Gray: That yes, you got a yes and you moved with it, and then you got in and you felt it and you listened to your intuition again and it was a no, like that's a beautiful thing.
• 5:40
  Erin Gray: Maybe that lesson for you, like I said, was to recognize, you know what?
• 5:44
  Erin Gray: I honored my intuition and I fell deeper in love with myself and I didn't beat myself up.
• 5:49
  Erin Gray: Who knows what the lesson was?
• 5:50
  Erin Gray: But when we're thinking that it has to look a certain way, we're also not letting the magic happen through our decisions.
• 5:57
  Erin Gray: The other thing I think that happens is we don't trust ourselves to handle the outcome.
• 6:02
  Erin Gray: And this is a more nuanced and deeper level.
• 6:05
  Erin Gray: Like this is, I think, where a lot of some of our wounding has come from.
• 6:09
  Erin Gray: And we have taken that with us and maybe we haven't worked through it yet and transformed it.
• 6:14
  Erin Gray: You know, if we have made decisions when we were younger and we were reprimanded, or we were even abandoned, or we were, or love was withheld from us, we are going to avoid making decisions because it was painful, right?
• 6:29
  Erin Gray: When we did make decisions before and we got in trouble or we got punished, that is still in our body if we haven't transformed it and transcended it.
• 6:38
  Erin Gray: So think about that you aren't that little girl anymore, right?
• 6:42
  Erin Gray: The body may still feel that way.
• 6:43
  Erin Gray: Like I have a friend who's like, yeah, I know, Erin, but the body still feels that.
• 6:47
  Erin Gray: It's like, yes, that's why it's so important to be doing like the emotional release work, the tapping, the somatic work so you can teach your body that it's safe.
• 6:55
  Erin Gray: But we aren't that little five or 10-year-old girl anymore, right?
• 6:59
  Erin Gray: And so really making sure that you are caring for yourself on the emotional level as well as the body level, the intellectual, the mental, the spiritual level, like all of the different areas that we need to be honoring ourselves and supporting ourselves.
• 7:14
  Erin Gray: So I think a lot of us are, you know, hoping that the decision is going to bring the confidence, right?
• 7:20
  Erin Gray: Certainty happens first, confidence happens first.
• 7:23
  Erin Gray: I talked about this on the previous episode.
• 7:24
  Erin Gray: Confidence is an identity that we hold.
• 7:27
  Erin Gray: So what you are trying to get from the decision, it's a taking energy versus I'm a confident person, I don't know how it's going to work out.
• 7:35
  Erin Gray: Like I just said, like in my little post-it, I don't know the outcome and I'm trusting God in myself always.
• 7:41
  Erin Gray: And I'm moving forward.
• 7:42
  Erin Gray: And so when we are trying to make a decision to feel confident versus feeling confident first and then making that decision, you're never going to get confidence from something outside of you.
• 7:54
  Erin Gray: And I think what we all need more of is more confidence, more love, more self-trust for ourselves.
• 8:01
  Erin Gray: When you trust yourself, when you love yourself so much, when you are your biggest advocate, you know that you'll figure it out.
• 8:09
  Erin Gray: You'll know that no matter what comes your way, you're gonna figure it out.
• 8:13
  Erin Gray: You'll adjust, you'll learn, you'll make another decision, and you're going to treat yourself kindly.
• 8:18
  Erin Gray: Like this is, I think, really important to take away here.
• 8:22
  Erin Gray: Treating how you treat yourself after the decision or the outcome has happened is everything.
• 8:28
  Erin Gray: You have a choice.
• 8:29
  Erin Gray: You have a decision.
• 8:30
  Erin Gray: If you are someone who is used to beating yourself up, then of course we're not gonna want to make a decision because we know how terrible it feels when we beat ourselves up and when we are our harshest critic.
• 8:41
  Erin Gray: But if you were someone who is cultivating more love for themselves, more self-trust, and be like, you know what?
• 8:46
  Erin Gray: No matter what, I'm gonna love you anyway.
• 8:48
  Erin Gray: No matter what I'm gonna say, you know what?
• 8:50
  Erin Gray: I support you.
• 8:51
  Erin Gray: You acted on your intuition.
• 8:52
  Erin Gray: I'm here for you.
• 8:53
  Erin Gray: What did we learn?
• 8:54
  Erin Gray: What can we take away from this and move forward?
• 8:57
  Erin Gray: Like that changes the way that we make our decisions.
• 9:01
  Erin Gray: When you know that you're no longer going to beat yourself up and you're gonna be there for yourself, you're more likely going to make decisions and make when I say quicker, what I just mean is like from when your intuition talks to you or however you hear or sense or feel your intuition, and when you receive those downloads and then you make the decision, right?
• 9:21
  Erin Gray: I think a lot of times we don't close the gap, meaning from when we receive our intuition and our downloads to when we actually take the action, because we are afraid of how we're going to treat ourselves.
• 9:34
  Erin Gray: We know that we aren't going to speak so kindly to ourselves.
• 9:37
  Erin Gray: We know we're gonna spend maybe a week in shame versus, oh, okay, well, that didn't work, or it didn't work the way I thought it would.
• 9:45
  Erin Gray: Okay, I'm moving on.
• 9:46
  Erin Gray: So the goal here is to be the woman who trusts herself and who loves herself unconditionally, regardless of the outcome.
• 9:55
  Erin Gray: And I think that for a lot of us, that's actually what our sole lesson is here is how can we be our biggest advocate and supporter and the person that we rely on and trust ourselves, not that we don't receive support, but like that we listen to ourselves above everybody else.
• 10:12
  Erin Gray: I think also, you know, indecision is a decision.
• 10:15
  Erin Gray: When we aren't making a decision, that's a decision.
• 10:18
  Erin Gray: So, and there is or are costs to that.
• 10:21
  Erin Gray: Think about like the energetic exchange or the energetic overload or the energetic, the image that's coming to my mind is just like this heavy cloud that hangs over us when we haven't taken action, when we know we have received the downloads to do it.
• 10:38
  Erin Gray: Think about how your momentum slows, your mental bandwidth, you're constantly thinking about that, you're going back to that.
• 10:45
  Erin Gray: It's something that you're spending energy on, time on, emotion, right?
• 10:50
  Erin Gray: Emotions on.
• 10:52
  Erin Gray: So when you are waiting, you have to start asking yourself, what is the resistance here?
• 10:57
  Erin Gray: Am I afraid to make a decision?
• 10:59
  Erin Gray: Is it because I'm afraid of how I'm gonna treat myself?
• 11:02
  Erin Gray: Is this an old story coming up from my dad when I was 10 of like I did something and I messed up and I got really, you know, in trouble for it?
• 11:10
  Erin Gray: And that you really have to start digging into this deeper and be like, what is the resistance for me making a decision?
• 11:17
  Erin Gray: Sometimes it's as simple as I just don't have enough information yet.
• 11:20
  Erin Gray: And you got to be very clear and onto yourself about this because sometimes that's actually factual.
• 11:26
  Erin Gray: Like, I don't have enough information.
• 11:28
  Erin Gray: I actually do need a couple more questions answered for me to make a decision.
• 11:32
  Erin Gray: And sometimes that can be very sneaky of avoiding making a decision.
• 11:37
  Erin Gray: So here you go back to like you will only know because it's your body and you have to slow down long enough to get into it, to feel into it, to see where that is coming from.
• 11:46
  Erin Gray: But sometimes it's like I actually don't have enough data.
• 11:49
  Erin Gray: Like I talked to someone the other day and I was like, I'm a yes, but there's some things that we need to do foundationally first before we take, you know, where you guys want to go with this.
• 11:58
  Erin Gray: And so sometimes that is the answer.
• 12:01
  Erin Gray: Sometimes the answer is someone's telling me that I need to do this, but I don't really want to.
• 12:06
  Erin Gray: My intuition's saying no, not to make this decision.
• 12:08
  Erin Gray: You know, maybe it's you have been abdicating responsibility to an advisor for so long and they're suggesting you do something, and you're like, I don't actually want to do that.
• 12:17
  Erin Gray: And the resistance is I need to actually stand up and say, I don't want to do this.
• 12:21
  Erin Gray: And that's why that's coming up.
• 12:22
  Erin Gray: Like there's so many different reasons why we aren't making decisions.
• 12:27
  Erin Gray: Some of it is because we are afraid, some of it is because it's not in alignment with who we are.
• 12:33
  Erin Gray: Sometimes it's because of how we're gonna treat ourselves after the fact.
• 12:36
  Erin Gray: And sometimes it's like, I actually just need more data.
• 12:39
  Erin Gray: And sometimes making the decision will give you more data, right?
• 12:42
  Erin Gray: Like that happens a lot too.
• 12:43
  Erin Gray: But I know for me, because I've gotten so clear on what I want and where I'm moving towards and what my expectations are, it's me asking a little bit deeper questions to get some information to then get that intuitive download or that hit.
• 12:58
  Erin Gray: So just think about when you are, and the term that gets used or thrown around a lot is decision fatigue, right?
• 13:04
  Erin Gray: Decision fatigue and making a bunch of decisions.
• 13:07
  Erin Gray: And then decision fatigue, I think of like not making decisions or being in that indecision place.
• 13:13
  Erin Gray: So just allowing yourself to, I think from an energetic standpoint, like how can you free up more energy and more like feel lighter?
• 13:22
  Erin Gray: It's like make a decision, then you will get data.
• 13:25
  Erin Gray: So things that or questions that you can ponder on this week if we are attached to a decision or we're making a decision means something about us, like what am I making this decision mean about me as a person?
• 13:40
  Erin Gray: Like those two things should be completely detached.
• 13:42
  Erin Gray: If they aren't, start there.
• 13:44
  Erin Gray: What outcome am I most afraid of?
• 13:46
  Erin Gray: Outcome and also what am I like afraid of treating myself if I make this decision and it doesn't work out the way I think it should, the way that the mind thinks it should, what am I most afraid of?
• 13:57
  Erin Gray: Do I trust myself to handle whatever happens next?
• 14:01
  Erin Gray: And will I love myself no matter what the outcome is?
• 14:04
  Erin Gray: I think the other thing too here, and I want to do a couple of podcasts on this, is the relationship that you have with God.
• 14:09
  Erin Gray: I've always been a spiritual person.
• 14:11
  Erin Gray: I haven't been religious because I think that there's a whole conditioning there, but I really truly believe in God.
• 14:17
  Erin Gray: I believe in his power, I believe in so much of that spiritualness.
• 14:21
  Erin Gray: And I think a lot of us believe in that, but I don't know if we move from that place.
• 14:26
  Erin Gray: I think, like I talked about in my previous episode, like we think of it in theory, but if someone truly has faith, if someone truly believes in God, you would take the action.
• 14:37
  Erin Gray: And so really start to question like, what is my level of faith?
• 14:42
  Erin Gray: What is my level of connection to God?
• 14:45
  Erin Gray: And, you know, am I moving from that place or am I thinking about this in theory, but I'm not actually embodying it and taking action from that place?
• 14:54
  Erin Gray: Okay, so, and I'll leave you this with this is that one of the biggest shifts that I've experienced in my life over the last six or seven years is realizing that self-trust is not built by making and there are no perfect decisions.
• 15:08
  Erin Gray: It's by just making decisions and then handling what comes next.
• 15:13
  Erin Gray: And every decision that I've made has taught me something.
• 15:16
  Erin Gray: It has given me data.
• 15:17
  Erin Gray: It has strengthened my ability to trust myself to love myself at a deeper level.
• 15:23
  Erin Gray: And I think that that's what leadership is about.
• 15:25
  Erin Gray: It's not about being perfect, which doesn't even exist.
• 15:28
  Erin Gray: It's not about having all of the answers.
• 15:30
  Erin Gray: It's about certainty within yourself, within your faith in God, moving forward, even, you know, not knowing the outcome.
• 15:38
  Erin Gray: It's about trusting yourself.
• 15:39
  Erin Gray: It's about loving yourself and moving forward, even when you don't have all the answers.
• 15:43
  Erin Gray: Because I really truly believe that our business moves at the speed of what our nervous system feels safe to move at, and also at the level or the quantity of our actions, right?
• 15:54
  Erin Gray: Like how often are we making decisions?
• 15:56
  Erin Gray: I shouldn't say quantity of our actions, the quantity of our decisions, right?
• 16:00
  Erin Gray: If we are making decisions on a more frequent basis, we are gathering more data and we are learning more about ourselves.
• 16:06
  Erin Gray: So I thank you for being here for spending your time with me.
• 16:11
  Erin Gray: And I'll see you in the next episode.