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LIVE YOUR DIAMOND LIFE: Authentic Q&A Chapter 7: How Do I Rebuild After Financial Betrayal? Part 1 · Rock My Finances

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Speaker 3: about the zeros, So what is it all about? Let's
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Speaker 3: find out now. Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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Speaker 4: Good morning, Welcome back to live your Diamond Life. Authentic
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Speaker 4: Q and A for women series. We are in chapter
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Speaker 4: seven today is going to be really fun, not a
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Speaker 4: spectacular topic for everyone, because that means that they have
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Speaker 4: experienced some type of negativity in their life. So it's
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Speaker 4: called how do I rebuild my life after a financial betrayal?
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Speaker 2: Now financially.
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Speaker 4: This is part one, so definitely listen to part two
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Speaker 4: as well when you get a chance. So part one,
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Speaker 4: have you ever trusted somebody with money and then felt
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Speaker 4: completely blindsided? Maybe it was your partner, a spouse, maybe
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Speaker 4: even a business deal. It could be a realtor buying
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Speaker 4: real estate, or even yourself. You really really really wanted
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Speaker 4: this amazing whatever, and then you paid way too much
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Speaker 4: for it, or you found out it was on sale,
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Speaker 4: or it broke broke down or didn't last or whatever
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Speaker 4: that you felt just really betrayed. Almost right, because financial
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Speaker 4: betrayal isn't just about money. It's about trust, safety, identity,
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Speaker 4: and control and ladies out there, we put our heart
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Speaker 4: and soul into everything that we do, which means it's
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Speaker 4: in our money as well. We have a relationship with money,
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Speaker 4: and so when we feel betrayed around money, it really
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Speaker 4: cuts to the core of us and It really is
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Speaker 4: an effect on long lasting decisions that we make around money,
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Speaker 4: which is why this is something that we have to
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Speaker 4: look at today. We're going to be talking about not
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Speaker 4: just about rebuilding, but about you and your finances. So
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Speaker 4: what is financial betrayal?
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Speaker 2: Really? It looks it's not just losing money.
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Speaker 4: I mean, we could feel like the stock market could
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Speaker 4: betray us right when we're doing spectacular and then it drops.
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Speaker 2: I mean, it feels a little scary.
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Speaker 4: Our stability is shaken a little bit when our great
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Speaker 4: big four O, when K is down or our IRA
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Speaker 4: is down. It's it's not just about that though. It's
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Speaker 4: really about being lied to about money. It's about even
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Speaker 4: being withholden about money. I mean, I've met with several
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Speaker 4: people that their spouses never shared information with them. They
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Speaker 4: had no idea how much money they had in savings
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Speaker 4: for retirement, for even vacation next year, for their children's college. Like,
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Speaker 4: they had no idea where were theyre at at all,
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Speaker 4: And they felt like they were doing amazing and they
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Speaker 4: find out that they actually weren't. If we're being left
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Speaker 4: out of decisions, big decisions, that is some type of
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Speaker 4: a betrayal. We don't feel in control, even over our
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Speaker 4: own life and our own financial stability, discovering hidden debt
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Speaker 4: or hidden accounts. Unfortunately, this happens so many times when
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Speaker 4: people start going through a divorce, they'll find out that
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Speaker 4: they don't know what's there, and they're missing things that
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Speaker 4: they thought were there. It's very scary. It feels manipulated.
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Speaker 4: It feels like we're being controlled. It feels like we're
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Speaker 4: completely helpless and powerless. It is very frustrating, and it's
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Speaker 4: really hard to talk about. Trusting someone who has made
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Speaker 4: financial decisions for us and that hurt us financially.
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Speaker 2: Is really scary. It's very very scary. It hits deeper
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Speaker 2: than just money. It hits our safety.
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Speaker 4: It hits our stability in art to walk through our
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Speaker 4: lives and make decisions every day. So when money is broken,
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Speaker 4: our nervous system feels completely unsafe. It throws us off balance.
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Speaker 4: It could be something very little. I'm trying to think
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Speaker 4: of something that I purchased that broke down after a while,
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Speaker 4: I can't even remember. But you know, there's always something right.
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Speaker 4: And we feel betrayed by the maker, by the consumer, company,
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Speaker 4: by society when they're all buying this one thing and
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Speaker 4: yours doesn't last or doesn't work. You know, it's kind
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Speaker 4: of funny, tell you a little story. Side note. So
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Speaker 4: right now, I feel like there's something going on with glasses.
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Speaker 4: My friend peterln was talking about this with me, her
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Speaker 4: and her mom both. I've had issues with glasses just recently.
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Speaker 4: The last few years. I've had major issues with glasses
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Speaker 4: that I've purchased.
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Speaker 2: They just don't last.
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Speaker 4: I mean even these right here completely scratched up and
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Speaker 4: they're really heavy, and they're just completely different than what
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Speaker 4: they used to be. I just ran into a gentleman
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Speaker 4: yesterday at my pilates class and he was saying the
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Speaker 4: same thing. He was saying something about his glasses and
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Speaker 4: then bowllying. Yesterday I just talked to another gentleman and
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Speaker 4: he's like, you know, I got these new glasses and
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Speaker 4: I can't even keep score because it's just not even
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Speaker 4: it's just all whacking me out here. Oh I'm sure
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Speaker 4: he didn't say that, but you get my drift. So
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Speaker 4: that is something that's going on with an industry that
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Speaker 4: I feel betrayed about because they're not cheap. Yes, I
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Speaker 4: pay for vision insurance, however, still that's what one hundred
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Speaker 4: and fifty sixty bucks a year or whatever it is,
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Speaker 4: and then I have to pay for another one hundred
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Speaker 4: and fifty if I'm on the cheaper side without buying
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Speaker 4: a label or something on glasses. So it's a significant investment,
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Speaker 4: and it's important. Our eyesight is very important. So I
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Speaker 4: feel betrayed with the entire industry right now. I don't
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Speaker 4: know what's going on. I don't know if there was
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Speaker 4: a new maker of machines out there. I don't know
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Speaker 4: if they're trying to cut corners. I don't know what's happening.
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Speaker 4: But glasses really stuck right now. So I feel betrayed,
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Speaker 4: right So why does it hurt so deeply? And this
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Speaker 4: is what the part that most people miss. It's not
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Speaker 4: about the numbers. I know you're laughing. You've heard me
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Speaker 4: say this a million times. It's not about the zeros,
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Speaker 4: it's not. It's about the loss of trust. It's about
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Speaker 4: the loss of control. When I'm using these glasses every
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Speaker 4: single day and they are so scratched up in wack
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Speaker 4: adoodle and I even bought the uh scratch protectant, right,
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Speaker 4: I feel like I have no control.
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Speaker 2: I feel like.
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Speaker 4: Almost even a loss of identity, like that don't even
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Speaker 4: value me as a human by just selling a decent
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Speaker 4: product to me. And then we have loss of our future,
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Speaker 4: our future vision of what's going to happen, because who
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Speaker 4: do I I go to now? Everyone's complaining about the
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Speaker 4: glasses now, so I feel like I don't have an out,
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Speaker 4: I don't have a safety net, I don't have a
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Speaker 4: what if plan.
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Speaker 2: And here's the truth.
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Speaker 4: We can rebuild this feeling faster, don't even worry. And
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Speaker 4: we can rebuild money faster than we can rebuild our
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Speaker 4: trust on ourselves. Unfortunately, it takes time to rebuild our trust, right,
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Speaker 4: So that's the real work. The real work is to
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Speaker 4: trust ourselves again. So the first mistake women make when
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Speaker 4: they're rebuilding is they rush to fix the money. So,
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Speaker 4: like me, I would want to find a new eye,
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Speaker 4: place to find new glasses, and I think that's going
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Speaker 4: to fix it. But that betrayal doesn't go away from
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Speaker 4: the past, right, So when we're digging into our budgets
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Speaker 4: and our accounts and our strategic plans and maybe even
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Speaker 4: switching financial advisors, you might feel so betrayed that you
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Speaker 4: switch your financial advisor. I am not for that or
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Speaker 4: against that. Every situation is completely different. I did just
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Speaker 4: here story about someone that they thought they had like
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Speaker 4: three or four hundred thousand dollars and they were they
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Speaker 4: were done, they were gone, the accounts were empty, and
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Speaker 4: they had no idea. So that to me is a
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Speaker 4: big betrayal, like that advisor should have really kept those
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Speaker 4: clients up to date.
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Speaker 2: So that is a betrayal.
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Speaker 4: And if the stock market just goes down and you're
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Speaker 4: in a wonderful portfolio and you tell your advisor you're
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Speaker 4: not going to use it for five to seven years
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Speaker 4: and it's invested accordingly, and the stock market goes down
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Speaker 4: and you feel betrayed, that's great, But that's not your advisor, right.
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Speaker 4: That is our own emotional work. So that's what we're
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Speaker 4: here to do, y'all. We're here to do our own
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Speaker 4: emotional work. So our nervous system is still in fear
8:37
Speaker 4: we think that we're doing. You know, we get all
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Speaker 4: of our numbers, which I have everyone do a money date,
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Speaker 4: and we look at our numbers and we know what's happening.
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Speaker 4: But our nervous system is still messed up because it's
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Speaker 4: not about the zeros, it's about our relationship. So here's
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Speaker 4: our step one. Step one, stabilitize stabilized. Debilitize stabilized before
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Speaker 4: we strategize. I know, trying to get in all hooky here,
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Speaker 4: but we don't want to talk about the numbers until
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Speaker 4: we can talk safely. So what we're going to do
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Speaker 4: first is we're going to ask ourselves do we feel
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Speaker 4: safe emotionally about making decisions right now? Am I reacting
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Speaker 4: or am I responding? Am I trying to fix things
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Speaker 4: from scarcity mode or fear mode? Or am I in
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Speaker 4: a great positive flow place of abundance. That's where we
9:24
Speaker 4: want to fix things. Your only job right now is
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Speaker 4: to create stability. This is what it might look like.
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Speaker 4: Put away the money, pick it up, or put it
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Speaker 4: over on another desk, another table, Like don't even look
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Speaker 4: at the money right now. Pause on the financial stuff.
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Speaker 4: Get clear on what you really really actually have, what's
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Speaker 4: here without the panic part? Now, like we say, do
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Speaker 4: you have a roof over your head? Do you have
9:48
Speaker 4: food in the refrigerator? Do you have air to breathe?
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Speaker 4: Is the world going to turn and the sun's gonna
9:53
Speaker 4: come up? There's oxygen? Right? We are okay for this moment,
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Speaker 4: one day at a time. Is the twelve step say right,
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Speaker 4: one day at a time. So let's get clear. I
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Speaker 4: take a breath, slow down, and that's going to create
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Speaker 4: clarity right there. That's gonna help you feel in more control,
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Speaker 4: which in turn calms our nervous system. Step two, we
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Speaker 4: want to make separate facts from fear. Now, if we
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Speaker 4: take our brain, like my brain can go, I know
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Speaker 4: it's simple. But the eyeglasses, oh my gosh, I'm never
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Speaker 4: gonna have another pair of eyeglasses. I'm gonna have to
10:27
Speaker 4: go to the drug store and just get a regular readers.
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Speaker 4: And I'm not never gonna get my one eyes different
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Speaker 4: than the other eye, because no one's ever gonna do it.
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Speaker 2: Right.
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Speaker 4: That's fear, that's panic, that's crazy talk, right, So cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel.
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Speaker 4: Let's go back to instead of I'm never gonna recover,
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Speaker 4: I'm never gonna trust anyone, I'm bad with money, I
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Speaker 4: should have known better. We take all that stuff out.
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Speaker 4: We're gonna do fact from fiction here, we're gonna do
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Speaker 4: what is really happening, what happened, and what where's our
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Speaker 4: fear taking us? So fact, yes, my glasses aren't as
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Speaker 4: good as other glasses in the past. Story I'm never
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Speaker 4: going to be able to get another pair of glasses
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Speaker 4: gone wrong. So fact, maybe the last place I went
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Speaker 4: with the glasses didn't work, So maybe I can trust
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Speaker 4: the new place. If I share all of my wishes
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Speaker 4: and my wants, I might be able to get the
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Speaker 4: glasses that I want to be able to do. Okay,
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Speaker 4: Fact I lost X amount of money. Story I ruined
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Speaker 4: my whole life and I can't make decisions anymore. Gone
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Speaker 4: cancel change that too. Fact I lost X amount of money,
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Speaker 4: and I can rebuild from that space and move up.
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Speaker 4: So number three. Step three rebuild trust with yourself, not others.
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Speaker 4: I know we reach out to the advisor, or to
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Speaker 4: our friends, or our neighbor or our family. We want
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Speaker 4: to rebuild our trust in our own decisions. When most
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Speaker 4: people are trying to figure everything out, we're going to say,
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Speaker 4: can I trust them?
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Speaker 2: Can I trust them?
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Speaker 1: Well?
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Speaker 4: Hang on, I want to know and I trust myself
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Speaker 4: with this decison. How do I feel with this person?
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Speaker 4: Do I trust them? Do I tru I love trusting
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Speaker 4: my gut And this is what the financial industry leaves out.
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Speaker 2: We need to trust our guts.
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Speaker 4: Always everywhere we go, our inner knowing our God within us,
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Speaker 4: our our masters before us, our generations before us. Everything
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Speaker 4: is right inside of us. We have to turn inward. Ah,
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Speaker 4: take a breath, turn inward. Of course, I love meditating.
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Speaker 4: I know it's hard to get back in that schedule.
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Speaker 4: I'm doing it again. It's I had an amazing peaceful
12:35
Speaker 4: meditation this morning and it was so quiet and my
12:37
Speaker 4: body felt so good. Right after my kickboxing class. It
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Speaker 4: was awesome. It was just so relaxing, and I did
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Speaker 4: feel much more aligned with my inner knowing, my inner gut,
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Speaker 4: my trust, my gut. So start small. Make one money
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Speaker 4: decision a day, just one aligned money decision. When we
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Speaker 4: are aligned with our true self, our true intention, and
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Speaker 4: our true gut, our feelings, right, our effort, our heart.
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Speaker 4: When I'm aligned with that, I can make one next
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Speaker 4: best decision, which is exactly what I did. After I meditated.
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Speaker 4: Two things popped into my head. It felt so aligned
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Speaker 4: with who I am, no panic, no scarcity, just came
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Speaker 4: straight up to my computer and got the two things done.
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Speaker 4: It felt amazing.
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Speaker 2: It was great.
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Speaker 4: So follow through with something simple, which is what I
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Speaker 4: did today, and then it feels so good. When we're
13:27
Speaker 4: going to be checking our accounts and things. We want
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Speaker 4: to do that when we're aligned, only when we're aligned.
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Speaker 4: So trust is built through consistency, not perfection, but consistent
13:39
Speaker 4: movements on our true self alignment. Step four release the
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Speaker 4: shame loop. We always beat ourselves up right, I should
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Speaker 4: have known better. I feel stupid. How can I let
13:50
Speaker 4: that happen? I just did that the other day. I
13:52
Speaker 4: don't can't remember what I did, but I'm like, oh,
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Speaker 4: I can't believe I did that.
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Speaker 2: Can't believe I did that, whatever it was. So we're
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Speaker 2: going to reframe that we did not fail. We did.
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Speaker 2: We made a mistake, which is awesome, awesome. We all do.
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Speaker 4: We always make mistakes. This is everyone does always. Right now,
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Speaker 4: my memory is playing tricks on me. It's like when
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Speaker 4: you get stressed and overwhelmed, It's like, ah, did I
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Speaker 4: put that in there? Do I walk in that room
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Speaker 4: and forget what I'm getting? You know, all that great stuff.
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Speaker 4: But we just want to know that we can recover
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Speaker 4: from that. I'm taking more omegas, I'm doing some brain games,
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Speaker 4: you know, getting really good sleep, good hydration, electrolytes. All
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Speaker 4: that goes into my memory. So we want to make
14:32
Speaker 4: sure that we're doing everything to set ourselves up for
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Speaker 4: amazing awareness. So here's some Q and A questions that
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Speaker 4: I've gotten. Number one, why do I feel so emotional
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Speaker 4: about money?
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Speaker 2: Right now? It's just money? Right?
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Speaker 4: Okay, here's a good question to that. I mean an
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Speaker 4: answer to that. No, it's not just money. It's not
14:51
Speaker 4: just money. It is your safety. It is your north star,
14:55
Speaker 4: it is who you are. It is part of our
14:58
Speaker 4: decision making. So it's a value about ourselves. It's our
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Speaker 4: nervous system. It plays havoc on everything in our life.
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Speaker 4: It shows up everywhere. So please don't think of it
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Speaker 4: as just money, and honor your feelings. Honor your emotions
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Speaker 4: about that. Whatever emotions are coming up, journal about that,
15:18
Speaker 4: get those emotions out. When our trust is broken financially,
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Speaker 4: our body reacts like something unsafe happened. So we're not overreacting.
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Speaker 4: You're just responding to our entire our entire nervous system.
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Speaker 4: Has anybody ever told you stopping? So let's see what
15:35
Speaker 4: do I get all the time? You're so see here
15:38
Speaker 4: I go, can't remember the words sensitive, right, You're so sensitive,
15:42
Speaker 4: You're so emotional? Okay, well, okay.
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Speaker 2: And I am.
15:47
Speaker 4: I'm reacting to my entire body's nervous system, and that's okay.
15:51
Speaker 4: So we need to understand that we can protect that,
15:54
Speaker 4: we can change that. So instead of shutting down those feelings,
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Speaker 4: we're actually just going to understand what we are protecting.
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Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
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Speaker 4: So we're going to slow down, protect our nervous system,
16:05
Speaker 4: make small decisions to build back up our trust around
16:09
Speaker 4: the betrayal. Question number two. I feel so stupid for
16:12
Speaker 4: not seeing it sooner? How did I get How do
16:14
Speaker 4: I get past this?
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Speaker 2: Right?
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Speaker 4: We beat ourselves up so much, So that's the shame talking,
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Speaker 4: not the facts.
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Speaker 1: Right.
16:21
Speaker 4: We were separating facts from fear. So that is the
16:26
Speaker 4: shame that's asking that question. You didn't miss something because
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Speaker 4: you're incapable. You missed something because you trust, maybe without
16:33
Speaker 4: the awareness of where the lessons live. So instead of
16:37
Speaker 4: asking yourself, how did I not see this? Let's shift
16:40
Speaker 4: to what am I able to see now that I
16:43
Speaker 4: couldn't see before? Isn't that awesome? That's growth, not failure?
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Speaker 4: So who am I making now as my money decisions?
16:52
Speaker 4: Who am I being now as making my money decisions?
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Speaker 4: Compared to who I was before? I didn't know what
16:58
Speaker 4: I didn't know, what I didn't know, and now I
17:00
Speaker 4: know what I didn't know and now I know it right.
17:03
Speaker 4: So now we are here and we can make better
17:06
Speaker 4: decisions just by knowing this question number three, I'm scared
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Speaker 4: to make financial decisions right now? What happens if I
17:12
Speaker 4: screw up again? What happens if I make a miss again?
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Speaker 4: That is fear trying to protect you from repeating that
17:18
Speaker 4: nervous system pain. So our bodies take amazing care of us.
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Speaker 4: They do really well. But we don't want to avoid
17:25
Speaker 4: the decision making. We want to meditate a line, breathe,
17:29
Speaker 4: take a run, listen to music, do some jumping jacks,
17:31
Speaker 4: have sex that's great, Eat some chocolate if it's not
17:34
Speaker 4: bad for you, Do something to shift that out of
17:37
Speaker 4: fear into just the facts.
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Speaker 2: And we're going to start small.
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Speaker 4: We're going to make one small decision first and until
17:44
Speaker 4: we can rebuild that confidence. So you don't need to
17:47
Speaker 4: get it perfect. You just need to stay present, intentional,
17:50
Speaker 4: and check in with yourselves, check in with what's happening. Okay,
17:55
Speaker 4: last question number four, I feel angry. I feel really
17:57
Speaker 4: really angry. Is that normal? Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
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Speaker 4: Our society loves anger. It's the easiest emotion to explain
18:05
Speaker 4: to get to we go to it quickly. Doesn't mean
18:07
Speaker 4: we need to stay there. But don't worry. You can
18:10
Speaker 4: be angry, journal, write a letter, do swamping, which is
18:13
Speaker 4: the music stomping out, go dancing, exercise, run, take a nap,
18:18
Speaker 4: go to sleep, take a hot shower, do lots of
18:21
Speaker 4: things to get out of that. But anger can be
18:24
Speaker 4: processed very calmly, easily, or even screaming. Y'all when you're
18:29
Speaker 4: dancing in the car, in the shower, that's great. But
18:32
Speaker 4: then after the other side of anger becomes clarity, comes clarity,
18:36
Speaker 4: which is awesome. So it's okay if you feel angry.
18:39
Speaker 4: I know not girls are supposed to be nice and
18:41
Speaker 4: seeing and not heard and all that great stuff. But
18:44
Speaker 4: it's okay. It's okay to be angry because clarity is
18:47
Speaker 4: just on the other side. We don't want to stay angry,
18:50
Speaker 4: we want to move through that, but it's okay. I
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Speaker 4: hope this was really good for y'all today. This was
18:56
Speaker 4: living your Diamond Life, Authentic Q for Women, and this
19:01
Speaker 4: was chapter seven, part one, So go find part two
19:04
Speaker 4: right now and finish this up. Okay, y'all, I want
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Speaker 4: you all to be able to listen to all these
19:09
Speaker 4: wonderful episodes here on I rock my Finances, and I
19:12
Speaker 4: want you all to be able to say I rock
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Speaker 4: my finances.
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Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
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Speaker 3: subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
19:23
Speaker 3: engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money story?
19:27
Speaker 3: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on K four
19:30
Speaker 3: HD Radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
19:34
Speaker 3: It's about the F word, feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait.
19:39
Speaker 2: To explore with you next week.
19:40
Speaker 3: Until then, let's all say I rock my Finances.