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5 Things Every Parent Should Know | Advice From a Catholic School Principal · The Catholic Couple

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you can sit down with a Catholic school principal and ask, what do you wish every parent understood about raising and educating their kids?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, today I basically get to do that with my wife Katie.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Katie has spent years working with students, teachers, and families, and there are certain things that she's seen and come up with over and over again.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to be talking about five things that she wishes every parent knew, as far as boundaries and grades, how do we talk about other people, reading and learning at home, and most importantly, the formation of our kids in the faith.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is something you're interested in, we would appreciate it.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You like, share, and subscribe.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And every week we put out these new episodes, so you will see them in your inbox.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So get ready, here we go.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right, welcome back to another episode of the Catholic Couple.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Great to have Katie back on.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We are in a fresh new school year, and so we're right into the mix of it.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So what a better topic than talking about things that you wish that every parent know, because this is also, as parents, we need to be reminded of these things as well.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think public disclaimer, I'm not perfect and I'm not the perfect parent nor the perfect principal, but I'm going into year six and I'm seeing patterns.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that these five things, when you were like, hey, you know, it's the start of the school year, what would be it was just a conversation.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: You came, I want to do a post on what would be the five things.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: And you came with a bunch and whittled it down.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh no, this should be this.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: This is the number one thing, you know.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't even realize I had some of that in me.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: And to be really honest, I don't really like talking about this stuff on the line.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is so I think it's a little touch.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: I would prefer to talk more faith-based stuff.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Um, more I don't really want to talk about um my job, quite honestly.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: But I do think that this show talks about marriage and family, and I think of it as more of a I wish parents did know this.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: I think it would make both sides of the, you know, there's a narrative in our country right now which is really sad.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: It's like this us versus them.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know when the flip happened, but you used to have um well, you used to have a partnership between school and home, that we were in this together, that there was this um this almost unsaid agreement between the adults that were raising the kids and the adults that were forming them in this in schools.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's gone and it's become a I have to protect my child from the school.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't and honestly, you know what?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, with so much that's happening in our modern culture of of of indoctrination of ideologies that have seeped in, I can see where some of that comes from.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: But on the other side of it, it has become this um this us versus them that I I that makes me sad.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, you there's there's cartoons of this, right?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: The um 1960s, 1950s parent marching into the teacher's, you know, room um looking at the kid.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: Can you explain these grades?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: And then the flippet of the modern parent is yelling at the teacher, can you explain these grades?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: And so it is honestly, this is like a little touchy because everybody has so many varying opinions and it's become a little bit hostile and obviously this isn't this isn't the case for every parent.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: These are just things that you've seen you just why it's hard.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's like when you're like, Oh, it's fine.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I know five things that I wish people knew, but it but I don't want it to be it want I want it to come from a let's bridge the gap.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it doesn't have to be this way, right?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: And that how I mean I guess that's another episode.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: How did we get there?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: But um, and a lot of the things that I want to say is I wish that they knew know these things because I think it brings back the partnership aspect that is gone.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you did a good job of bringing that up back to school night because we are parents and I'm a parent, so I was there.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a parent.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And and trying to be we're uh a team, it's not adversarial.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I when I was growing up and going to school, not once did my mom ever call the principal's office to say this or to say that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And now that we have 24-hour access with emails, and obviously, kids, you know, that this culture we went from helicopter parents, the father Mike talks about the Zamboni parents, where we don't want our kids to have to, you know, have to do hard things and we want to try to protect them and make them and give them all the things that we didn't have.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's all these these.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: We can look at all the ways that have fed this, however, we are looking at this generation coming up.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Statistics have found that they are the least ambitious, and for the first time, and um I think measurable data time, I don't know, for the first time ever, that this is the first generation that isn't superseding their parents' generation in in all these different markers of intelligence and and and being able to cope with problems and um you know intellectual, cognitive, all these different things.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And we can say what we want about technology, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Technology does play a part in that, but I think also modern parenting plays a part in it too.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we can do a whole show on those reasons.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this show isn't meant to be that just just these are things that she's noticed from back when she was in when she first got started as a teacher in the classroom to now, and just things that we're experiencing.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: This may be different in your experience.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is you know where we're we're coming from.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's out of the way.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I rarely like to talk about this stuff because of the divide and the ickiness that can come from it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and everyone has such strong opinions.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's just what I've noticed.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, take it for what it is.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's what I've noticed as both a teacher in the classroom, as a parent who's having children go up in the school system, and as an administrator now for the them going into year six.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: These these would be my top five from those three vantage points that I've experienced over the last 15 years.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So with no further ado, let's get it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's number one, kids are supposed to push boundaries.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: I think that the number one thing sometimes I have found that when I call home to let a parent know that their child made a mistake um or you know, um is you know had to get this kind of consequence over behavior, it's it's it's a few different mixed bags of um you know reactions, but a l most of them are either, well, other kids are doing this.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: Or um, no, no, no, they're gonna be labeled this horrible kid.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: What did I do wrong?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um uh, oh, you just pick on them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: The teacher doesn't like them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's like all those things like none of the above.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's their job.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: Kids are going to push boundaries.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: That's their point.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's what they are supposed to do.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: If they're not, there might be something like, is everything okay, right?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: We, as the adults in their lives, are there to show them where the boundary is.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: And actually, the most loving thing you can do for a child is provide those boundaries.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: You know, before I came into the community that I'm in now, I was in a community of various communities of like lower socio and economic statuses.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: And those kids had a lot of um uh unstructured home lives, and they craved and needed and found love in structure, right?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: And found love that this this this teacher, this parent that you know, this person in my life showed me where my boundary is.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: Now I know where I'm safe.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's reliability.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: They can rely on it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes things that help guide them.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the whole point of setting a boundary, is because kids are always gonna go up to where the boundary is.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: But if you don't set any boundaries for them, they stay far away from the cliff, not even wanting to go near it because they're so scared.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: But if you put up a gate at the edge of the cliff, they're gonna go all the way up to that gate because that's the thing.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Some kids are just gonna go over where you would where you would wouldn't want them, but if you never made that out and explain what it is.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't do a good job of explaining the boundaries, and then when they get there, push on it and don't correct it immediately, it doesn't have to be punitive, but we have to let them know that, okay, that wasn't okay, and this is why.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: And this is why.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: And why not in the place at an elementary school, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: Even even um in middle school, especially, let's learn these boundaries now.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: So when we are older as adults in the real world, the real world doesn't give you loving boundaries, right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: There's a harsher reality when you overstep in the real world.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: So when we're in these safer spaces, to not to say that word, but like in these safer spaces where they're loved and known and seen and they mess up because they will.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: We are the adults in their lives that are there to help them bring them back to, okay, you stepped over a line, here's your consequence, and I want you to reflect on that behavior and see how you could do better.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: And if we're not in it together, if this isn't us versus them, and if we as a school or the teachers are giving boundaries in one space and a parent is not giving that boundary, that sets a really big like that child is very confused on what those boundaries are.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately those boundaries are supposed to be internalized.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're supposed to eventually learn how to have, you know, with the Catholic school versus public school, obviously, you know, your school does a great job of trying to build in virtues.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to have that so you don't have to have those those external boundaries forced upon you.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is that your conscience is being formed, your understanding what it means to be a good Christian, what's it like to be a good citizen, what's it like to be a good neighbor and a friend, and those things is though those boundaries are set up so it could be number one a safe learning space where you know you can't have kids talking all the time, so the teacher can instruct, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't be mean to other kids, so you can work on like, hey, there is gonna be conflict within teachers and and parents and and and students, but those boundaries help set what does that frame look like?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: What does that look like to disagree well?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: What's the expectation?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Was the expectation met?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: If it was not met, there is a consequence, and that consequence is direct correlation with how do I what what could I have done better?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: And if we're not seeking to do better, if we're just gonna be happy with ourselves as is, what are we doing?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: That isn't our faith, that isn't education, that isn't it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's always bound to be able to do that.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: They're learning how they're learning how to be humans that are going to function in society.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: We are raising productive members of society and faithful human beings to Christ.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: Those both of those come.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't, they're not labeled.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: We've done those, we've done those episodes where we need to learn how to, when we have these conversations, to separate the behavior from the person themselves.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: People aren't their behaviors.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If they misbehave in class, doesn't mean they're a bad kid.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: That just means they made a poor choice in that situation and hopefully they learn from it and then don't do it again.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: If not, and if they don't, well then you have to give them a consequence and then they're gonna think twice about raising their voice to the teacher or talking when they're not supposed to, or whatever the situation may be.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: But if there isn't the consequence, and if my mom or dad steps in every time that we're going to get that consequence and you know, point the finger at someone else, we know if you're not gonna be able to do it.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: Point the fingers at someone else, or which is what Adam and Eve did in the garden.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're called to, like Jesus said, don't worry about the the the speck and someone else die in this moment.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is with the expectation, you didn't do it, therefore the consequences were laid out.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows what they are, but I I think that there's this generation of it's not my kid.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: What about this other kid?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or or there's a reason for it.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't understand if you only got this great understanding about why it happened, because I'm different or this is special situation.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_02: I think that again, this is a product of our current modern um society w of cancel culture too, where which isn't our faith either.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: And and this this idea of if if my child really did do the thing, then they're canceled, they're labeled, they'll never make it in life, or that's a bad reflection of me.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone will think I'm a bad parent, you know, or let me um point out what other people are doing to show it's not as bad.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's this social media hyper um everyone under a uh comparison culture where everyone's under a microscope and um uh in our modern world gets canceled.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: Now, here again, but but that all the more reason why we should be showing kids boundaries in these safe spaces where we don't cancel them.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because that is the world that that they could, if they if they said something or did something really cruel in and mean we set the boundary, we we give the consequence.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: If they did that in high school or college, think this is the time for them to make the mistakes in a place where their brains are informed and they're trying to figure this all out.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're not canceling anybody.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: These aren't many.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are trying to be mean, like rules aren't mean, they're they're meant just the same with our faith, right?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: We have we have rules, it's not because God hates us, but like the Ten Commandments, like when you look at it, like okay, don't kill, don't steal, don't cheat, don't do all those things.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like those things are to make us better human beings.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then the same with the rules and the boundaries within a school, it's so that they have an environment to flourish.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: I think that one more thing I want to say before we get into number two with with boundaries, and I just always was this as a classroom teacher.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: I sweat the small stuff so there'll be no big stuff.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: I worked in my first teaching jobs were in a very difficult situation for me with um very violent um and unstructured home lives for my the students that I served.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: Um and I had to if I if I if if you couldn't even come into my room without having your shirt tucked in, you definitely weren't gonna curse me out.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: Do you do you know what I mean?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um I think that sweating the small stuff gave students again that sense of um safety and um expect um they knew what to expect from me.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: I was consistent and then um it gave a sense of freedom to just be themselves.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, wearing a uniform is actually a way of allowing the student's true self to shine because there are no distractions.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: If everyone's wearing the same thing, it's all about your intellect and who you are that shines through.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: There is no distraction of nails and hair and um the the latest uh, you know, Nike this or that.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's just me.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: I without the layers that we like to put on ourselves in our society, and I think that when we sweat those small things with kids, we give them a self, um a sense of self-discipline and almost a sense of consistency and routine and knowing what to expect.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: I know what like a right, I know what's expected of me, I do it, and now I'm free to be me.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm free to just be here to learn.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm free to be without those distractions, right?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I think then not everybody has that same mindset.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: And it's this well, then don't send your kid to Catholic school.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: So sorry.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a good book.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you're interested in learning more about boundaries, it's just called Boundaries by Dr.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Cloud.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: It he's actually uh got one for for teenagers and all different kinds.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's a series of different boundaries books, but I highly recommend that one.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we've got enough about it.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: This first one was kids are going to push them.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's their job.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's their job because they want to see.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: They want to know, am I safe with you?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna stick to what you say?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what are you gonna all of these the best teachers and coaches or those ones who were strict, strict firm but loving, right?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: But but they they brought out the best, they found a way to bring out the best of them.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: But they may seem harsh, well, it's a balance strict, but we were talking about that today.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, the school is is it's it's it's intense.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's it's a blue-ribbon school, things are going great, but we're preparing those middle school people for when they go to high school, they're ready to be prepared.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're with with gives them more freedom, with gives them more freedom to be concentrate and they they feel prepared.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: When you go into something and you feel prepared when you start high school, that you feel prepared, like you did your job.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: But in the real in the in the in the time, it's hard.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like boundaries when they're when you first get them and they're you're doing it and there's like extra.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, this is prison.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like, but eventually you you see what that was for.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like training or practice or what you're doing.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, think about learning the games or learning the rules of a game.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: You're not free to play it until you really master the fundamentals and know the rules.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: And both those things suck and are boring.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: I was just talking to somebody else, like about something completely different.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, he's going through something difficult in in his life because of the storms um that have happened in our area.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, you know, I never was in the military, but my friends were, and they said they have this mantra, embrace the suck.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, yeah, like sometimes you just the boundary sometimes suck, but you know what?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: That boundary provides freedom in other areas.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so kids are gonna push them, it's their job, but it's also our job then is the adults in their lives to show them where those boundaries are and to help them maneuver um through so that they can have executive functioning skills and their own coping mechanisms and their own boundaries when they're in a when they're an adult.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: So all right, number two.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number two, don't make grades the measure of your child's worth.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: So I have uh I have a strong opinion on just grades in general.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: But do you, when you hire people, do you go back and look at their grade school report cards?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: No?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: You know, uh if it were up to me, but I, who am I, I would dismantle it all.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think it should be about grades.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: I think what grades are doing are teaching, you know you know what?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: No, uh it's twofold.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_02: We have a set of standards, right?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: Standards are every kid should know this thing by this grade.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's really what it is.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's the basics.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_02: By fourth grade they need to know this.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: By fifth grade, they need to know this by sixth grade, so that again, they can be ready for high school, which is essentially ready for for college if that's the direction that they're going.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: We should be measuring on whether or not they achieve those standards, whether they are above them, right?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: And so our grades should be more I would rather watch Avery work her butt off and study and work really hard and eventually, you know, um get yeah, sure, get a B and then get, you know, then an A and something out of hard work, but not jumping through all the hoops to get the A.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_02: Like it should be about do they know this that standard?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: Do they understand and know that specific thing they're being measured on?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Pushback, of course, would be well, how do you know if you don't take a test?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then a test you have to grade, then the grades come in, and that's just part of how we measure.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: But I think But younger kids are just learning, and at various stages, I think that's why we kind of dismantled that a little bit and changed it up a little bit in K through two.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: But but you should it's more about valuing the work ethic instead of and and the and the grit and the wanting to achieve the standard and pushing beyond that than it is to get the A and at all costs, because at all c costs, what you do what I mean?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's especially in an age where you where you have so many students that are able to um you know breeze their way through in different ways using modern um technological advances, right?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: How how can we more look at what do I know?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: What do I need to know, and how do I know I know it?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: And that's where we get those grades.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_02: So to have to bring back integrity into the grade.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then ultimately, how do I apply those things?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like how how do we put that into application?
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's hard.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's the hard part.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: But that's what I mean, where it's not so much about the A.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: Read the point again.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: What's the actual point?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make it the grades, the measure of your child's worth.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_02: So if they get a C, doesn't mean But how hard did you work to get that C?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_02: Was it a really difficult thing to get?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like, all right, let's say Avery.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: Avery bombed her first vocab test, like bombed it, and it brought her grade down.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I think she needed to bomb that.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: We we had a good talk with her and we said, in what way did you prepare?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_02: How are you studying?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_02: How are you preparing for that?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_02: It's not a measure of her worth.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: What we need to evaluate, how are you preparing to know these things and are these things helping you right?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Like so to have those those conversations of more centered around work ethic.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this goes into the we've done shows, we've done shows on growth mindset.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: The studies are in from Carol Dweck and Stanford.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: Failure's okay if you learn from it.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like we watched her never study for those vocabs.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: And so it's kind of like, well, you did it to yourself.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_02: You get what you get, you earned that.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_02: So now, what did that teach her?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: Then she started to pick up a different way of studying.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and she was able to use that failure and And make herself actually a better student.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_02: I think if she always got like B's on her vocab tests, or she would just coast, which you know, sometimes if you're if your kid has that in intellectual ability where it's things like that come easier, sometimes those are the hardest kids to challenge.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like I found that as a as a classroom teacher that my 99th percentile kids, a lot of times there were boys, were really hard to motivate because it always came easy.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_02: But once something came hard, they didn't know what to do.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: So don't make it about the A.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know about what we're talking about and you're interested in it, there's uh she's done TED Talks, she's got the book called Growth Mindset.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And what we learned and what we started working with, our kids, our family motto is hard work pays off, right?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're always telling your kid you're so smart or they're gifted, and and and and the grades It should be centered around how to do it.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: And what they start to learn, what they start internalizing is that the the grade is their worth.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that the only time they get you know accolades is when I do get this thing.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, what the research shows is that what'll end up happening is they'll have a fixed mindset.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So those kids who are who are really good and they'll coach and they're not pushing, and then when it gets really hard to something that's gonna maybe put them in a position where their ego is gonna be busted and they're gonna they're gonna either try to take that easy way, they're gonna try to take the easy way or avoid it, and they don't know how to handle that.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, no, this was hard, you didn't know it, and you failed, but then you learn, okay, no, I have to do this, or I have to study harder, or I have to take a different approach, or I need some help, whatever it is to have that perseverance.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are always telling them how good they are, how smart they are, uh, how beautiful you are.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what the research shows is that if you that same kid instead of doing that, always tell them, like, hey, I really, hey, I I saw how hard you studied, you didn't get an A this time, you get a C, but I saw you put in the work, and that was legit.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like, so what could you again?
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_02: Well, this is all about reflecting on the behaviors.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: The same as number one, reflecting, pushing the boundary, sight seeing you hit, you know, you went beyond it.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_02: Well, now you reflect.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: Same thing with with this.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: So you didn't, like you said, the grades are a measurement of whether or not you know the set standard.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: So this is the standard, either you know it or you don't.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_02: We want to measure that.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, it doesn't look like you do.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: So, what could we change up?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: How do you reflect and say, well, how did you prepare for that?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_02: How are you learning that?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_02: Or maybe we could do differently.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes those things fall through the through the scaffolding of how it's going on.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's the thing.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: But this is again where we're looking at that narrative of the us versus them of the school versus the the parent and the child, um, instead of that partnership of we are telling you we did this assessment, we see what they're deficient in, this is how we'll help, and we need you as the parent to help this way.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: These these are the way that you want to bridge that gap and want to stop that narrative of us versus them.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: You're getting teacher, here's another thing.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_02: Teachers don't give grades.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's another mindset that needs to be eradicated.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: Teachers don't give grades, students earn grades.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_02: And while we don't want it to be their worth, we need to shift that conversation into how could you have studied better?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_02: How would you think about it?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Parents are not going to be able to be there their whole lives stepping in to try to fix it for them or to negotiate or bargain because let's just submit it.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_02: Can they do what kind of oh, can you uh take this 20-day late assignment?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or like like to those extremes.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: We we we've seen those things, but I think that we need to take away that our worth comes from your favorite thing, inherent dignity that comes from we are made in the image and likeness of God, right?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: And just because they get a bad grade doesn't mean they're a bad kid.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like, okay, they didn't prepare, or maybe that they they're deficient, you know.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's just everyone's that's something that we need to help them.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_02: We need to have extra time on, just like, hey, you know, you may be good at this one thing, or maybe maybe, you know, like you know, English may be your your thing, but math's not so much, but science is this, like, and that's and again, we're here to help get them to that next level, but we need to acknowledge that not everybody's an A student, and that's okay.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_02: And that we need to look at maybe we just need to help them with better study skills.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe they are deficient in some kind of mathematical thinking that we need to help them.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right of those things.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_02: So just again, shifting the mindset from um the us versus them to the partnership, and then also acknowledging that everybody has different gifts and talents, and that you're gonna be really strong in this area, and you could be needing extra help, guidance, and um support in another, and we're all here for that, but not everybody's gonna get straight A's, and that's okay.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number three.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number three, pay attention to how you talk about other people.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: This is so hard because we're I didn't notice how much our kids listen to our conversations.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they bring it back up every time.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: Until they bring it back up.
• 27:08
  unknown: Yeah.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_02: And you're like, when were you?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_02: When did you hear me say that?
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I was in the car, I was listening to when you were done.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Well, I thought you had headphones in it, I thought you were listening to music.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: Or one time my cousin and I were were talking about a a family situation at her kitchen table.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_02: Brayden was on an air mattress way farther down, it was open concept kind of area though, right?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_02: He was knocked out cold sound asleep, or so we thought.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_02: And he woke up the next morning asking me all kinds of questions, and I'm like, how do you know any of that?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_02: I think that it just w if we want to model charitable, kind behavior of how we speak about others, um, we have to we want our kids to be kind to others, to have charitable conversations to not be gossips, we have to have charitable conversations, not be gossips, right?
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that when they come home and they're really upset about what a friend did, you not joining in saying what a jerk that friend is, and maybe talking about, well, it's you know, that's how their parents are raising you, like, oh, you know, or they come home and they hate this teacher and they complain about that teacher.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't like that teacher either to talk to your kid about another teacher or to talk to them about another adult, uh, like the principal, the school, anything in front of the child.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, you're just you're making it, you're giving the stamp of approval for that child to be disrespectful to that adult.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: And again, it might be a temporary thing, right?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and you just allowed your your child to hear, oh yeah, my mom hates her.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_02: My mom dislikes her anyway.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_02: She doesn't care.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_02: I could be rude to that, that adult or that kid because my mom doesn't like them either.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's important to say if you feel that something unfair happened, that you don't have to like validate something, but you also don't have to speak poorly or negatively or attack the person.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_02: You can say you can say, Wow, I think that how you interpreted that that were me, I would also think that was very unfair.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe we need to find out more details to that to find the out the bigger picture, right?
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: Or um, you know, I if I were in your position, I would feel that way too.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's talk about how we or how you could handle a situation like that.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: So let's say a uh you know a a child comes home and says a teacher said something really rude to them, right?
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_02: Which teachers are human beings too, right?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_02: And they don't they aren't perfect.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: How could you teach your child to respond to that?
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: How could you um teach them that that that something isn't okay but also without speaking negatively?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know you know who this is, but the best at teaching people how to use their words this is that guy who's a lawyer.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, he's good.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: His name's Jefferson Fisher.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Check him out on Instagram and YouTube, he's got his own podcast.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: He is the the best person I think I've ever I've heard explaining how to how to disagree, especially like without being disagreeable.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, especially like if somebody's like criticizing you or they're kind of being mean to you, he always does stuff like, well, number one, pause and take your time, but he'll always be like, How does that feel when you say that?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like to call that person out, like how do you think it should feel like to me that you're not gonna be able to do that?
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: How does that feel when you say that?
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like to try to reflect it back to them as they're being saying things.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: But it's really something to control yourself.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_02: But this is touchy because if you're if you're uh um a second grader coming home seeing that your teacher said that, I mean, as an adult, you should be able to, you know, investigate that to find out from the other adults.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: But without like, I'm counseling you, you need to be fired, I'm rough, like this.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's another thing there's these stages of progress.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's not part of this specific thing, but it is important to know that kids' brains process a situation significantly different than how an adult processes a situation.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_02: So when a kid goes home, I mean that's like remember um Bill Cosby had that show, kids say the darndest things, and the kids would say these crazy off-the-wall things about what their parents are doing at home.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_02: They're doing the same thing to you guys, you know that, right?
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like they're coming to school telling us, but we deal with kids on such a regular basis that we know that their brain processed that situation.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_02: I wonder what the real situation is from that, right?
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_02: You know, so again, being being charitable, giving everyone kind of the benefit of the doubt, always assuming positive intent.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_02: A teacher or an administrator or the adult that's in your child's life does it it is in that position to do good, right?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_02: And they're and to assume their positive intent and then um come and find out.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_02: But if your child's in high school or middle school, equipping them with how to speak to other kids and how to speak to other teachers is probably one of the best gifts you can give them too.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, what would you suggest the way that you would want, say uh there is a disagreement with the teacher, there's something else, and the parent does have a frustration and wants to do it?
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best way for the parent to do that?
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not only just to make the the situation tolerable for all sides involved, what's the best approach if somebody has an issue to reach out to a teacher or to you?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it should always be at the local level possible instead of going around and saying this da da da da da da go to the direct person that it involves and go to it assuming that positive intent.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_02: Sally came home and said this happened.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_02: I know Sally is five.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to find out what your interpretation of these events are and how going forward we can work together.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: So Sally has this view of you, she's scared of you, or whatever it is, right?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_02: How can we work together so that So you're saying like what the Bible says?
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if you got a problem with somebody, bring it to that person first.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then if that person doesn't say so, then you get two or three people, you go up to the biggest.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then you do bring in the higher spot, then you go to the church.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_02: But the majority of the time, the other adult who is in this not to get kids, okay?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, I don't know when that that changed.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: Again, it's the us versus them.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: If I came home and the teacher said something, which I never got in trouble, but but if I didn't talked way too much.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_02: I met his teachers.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, he he wanted to take over the class, so that's not true.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: But I would they wouldn't say, okay, I'm gonna call the teacher, get their side.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, I it was me.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was automatically throng because they they had their partnership and they had the belief in the teacher.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're they had the business.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_02: I really would like to bring it back to like we're all in this together for the best interest of of the kids, and I think that's what's hurting the kids the most is the and this is the culture.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's the culture.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know when it happened, and I don't know how exactly, but it's definitely a huge shift and it's hurting our kids because what we're doing is we're taking away it's like mom and dad getting a divorce.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's like when when you're when your mom and dad aren't united, you can kind of pit them against each other and get your way as a kid.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: But what does that eventually that you're growing up without that foundation, that you united group of adults who are all in it to help form you into a a person in society.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy marriages have disagreements, and that's okay, but it isn't, we're getting a divorce.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, we're trying to figure this out for both of us, so it would be better going forward, not to attack, to blame, to obfuscate, all those kinds of things.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I guess the the question is is as as our kids are learning how to disagree with people by watching how we disagree with people.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: We always say on the show, more is caught than taught.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: And they're learning this.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're going to disagree with people.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_02: That's normal.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's normal.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_02: But we don't need to label and be uncharitable in our disagreements.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_02: And no, I'm sorry.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_02: It's almost it's beyond despicable and disturbing and disgusting to me when I find out about group chats and um just text messages, text yeah, whatever.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_02: Text messages, group, let's just call it group chats, where a group of parents are constantly bashing the school, the teachers, the administrators.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_02: What what are we doing?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_02: How does that help your child?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_02: How does that help you?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_02: How does it help the teachers that are with your child eight hours a day?
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_02: That does nothing for the school, nothing for your child, but your soul or your soul gossiping.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_02: It's and it and it does not help anything except um build, continue to build walls instead of bridges in a community that is supposed to be working together for the best interest of your life.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or whether you're group chats or anything like that to exercise your opinion.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that's the problem now.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody has this technology and we're not using it the way it's meant to.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're using it to tear people down instead of help build it.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like we should be using that to help fundraise and support families and get word out, but instead of We're Christians, we're called to be different.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_02: We are not called to have gossip droop techs of our school and teachers.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's disgusting.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_02: And we're in it together.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_02: So, I mean, that's all I'm gonna say there.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to go too far in it.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: Number four.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number four, read to and with your kids regardless of their age.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, I knew always as a, you know, before I became an administrator, I knew as a parent, just your pediatrician will tell you, read to your kids, you know, um, for as small as when they're first born, to hear them being read to, and then they read to you.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you're teaching.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um I think I don't I don't know how many people really know this, and it was just from reading classes I had to take.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_02: Is our brains aren't naturally inclined to read because reading is not a natural thing, like God didn't put in the put us on this earth with books.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_02: Reading is a man-made thing.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_02: Your brains aren't really naturally conditioned to to to read.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's why you have to.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_02: Math math is a little bit different.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_02: Math is more natural.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_02: If you see math is ingrained in nature, reading is not letters and language.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I should say that.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_02: Language is language is in in your brain to speak, but not to read and to write.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_02: So so the more that you read to your child, um, you're modeling to them how to read with inflection and how to how you know how, but you're also you're creating bonding with your child too.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you're making them more comfortable um with you, you're you're instilling them in them a love for reading.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_02: The more they hear read be, you know, the more they're read to, the more they um are have a you know, are able to understand that that letter makes that sound because that's such a huge part of it is that phonemic awareness and knowing those things.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_02: So that's all like the the like I knew that, right?
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, going in, and your pediatrician will tell you to do to do that.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_02: But like as they're getting older, Braden and I were reading a a book together, and he just stopped reading it.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, go read that book, go read that book.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_02: You you know, he because he they have to read for uh a half hour a day in this in the summer.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why don't you read that book?
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, Oh, I know it's not interesting anymore.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, You really liked that when we read it together.
• 38:28
  unknown: Oh, we read it together.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_02: So then I pulled him aside the one day, and I'm like, You want to read that book with me, don't you?
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, Yeah, that was like our thing.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_02: And now you don't want to read it.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Well, I was I just got busy.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_02: I thought you, I just wanted you to continue reading the series because it was really good.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, you know what?
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_02: I promise I'm let's read that together, you know.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_02: It we need to show them that reading, you read not just in your grade school years, like reading is something that adults do, modeling that them seeing you read is gonna instill a love for reading in them.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_02: And then it's a bonding thing to be to bond over a book.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_02: Why are there book there's book clubs, you know?
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of people that don't read the book in the book clubs, right?
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like, let's be honest, it's like a social thing, but it is a social thing because that story we are centered around stories.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_02: And the cool thing about reading is that your imagination takes you into the story.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_02: If you're, you know, you could get into a show with a family member, like everybody has their person they like watch a certain show with, and you think and talk about the characters and all that.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: But reading a book is even taking it into a more intimate level because you and that person are reading that together, you're not necessarily watching it.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and you can even, with your imagination, think about the characters and have way more in-depth discussions.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_02: I just think no matter how old your kids are, read with them, even read out loud.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like a middle schooler still needs to learn how to read with fluency.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_02: They still need to learn how to um enunciate things, project, you know, their words to be able to read with fluency is is is a lot more difficult than we think, especially now nobody reads anymore, right?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um so it And I know I'm quick to judge people on how they especially those who read at mass.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really I can really like help like today.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that was a student who read, like, that was really she was excellent.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: She was excellent.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like so we're not just we're not just talking crap.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a way to do it.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you had if people get up there and read and then like practice it at home, like even the adults, like, like the way that things are written with punctuation, like there's a different way to like you don't have to act it out and be all dramatic.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a way for pauses and the way words sound, especially biblical words.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a lot of people know how to say the pronunciations and things like that, but it it takes sometimes to just verbalize it out loud versus silently reading in your head.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two different things, too.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: You should we should also do that as well.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_02: And they're never too old to do that with.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, and and maybe you know, you don't have to always be reading to them, but we we can't be able to do that.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: Reading out reading with them, we can always.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: We can have, you know, just where the TV's off, and you know, here we are.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: I got a book in my lab, you got your own book, and everyone's just kind of that's more of a normal thing.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_02: And just having those conversations, making it a norm with a norm in your house that everybody has a book and everybody's reading and just talking about the book you're reading.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have to be reading the same books, but it is nice once in a while to share that to share those same interests and have those conversations.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I was really happy to see you and you and Braden went through the the the Bible from Word on Fire, the kids' stories.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I made him do a Four Sense analysis analysis.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: The 10-year-olds doing four sense analysis.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_02: I did that with my theology students, it actually got me all excited.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did you recall the stories of the stories?
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the story of all stories.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_02: Story of all stories.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, it's it's great.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you you got younger kids and teenagers, it goes through the whole Bible.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's excellent, well done and great artwork.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: So no uh no plug here, but I would definitely highly recommend it for sure.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're not sponsored or anything.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, nothing.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's really good though.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'd like, yeah.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'll plug it.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, go ahead.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_02: Number five.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, the most important formation starts with your relationship with Jesus.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_02: Again, more is uh uh caught than than taught.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_02: If you are uh wanting your child to be Catholic, you should be Catholic too.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_02: Show them what you're doing.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: I shared this quote this week.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of my favorites from Fulton Sheen.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: Says the parent is the best teacher who has God as his teacher.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Fulton Sheen always has the the line drops.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he says things way better than I than I can ever uh Yeah, he's a good he's good with words, isn't he?
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_02: He probably had it was red too.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow I'm I'm I'm sure like it's crazy.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: His his story was that you know when he was a an altar boy, he accidentally dropped a cruit and he was serving the mass for the bishop, and they dropped on the ground and smashed the cruets.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's always like I started serving at the Daily Mass, and it's like you're like you're gonna hold them because like a cruit is what holds the wine.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_02: The water and the wine and the wine.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: So they use that to pour it into the chalice.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: So those are the cruets.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: So he dropped one and went all over the place at the mass serving for the bishop.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: And afterwards, and the bishop was very uh generous, and he basically prophesied with him and said, You're gonna be you're gonna be a bishop one day and you're gonna study in all in Rome and France.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or no, this place in France.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: He like prophesied that you're gonna you're gonna teach he went to that famous uh school where Saint Thomas Aquinas went to in France and he ended up going there.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: He became a bishop, so it was like prophesied to him when he was just an altar boy.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: Something that could have been where he could have chastised him and said, I can't believe you broke that.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is God encouraged him and and spoke uh God into his life.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, that bishop was a holy guy, but we just don't know the actions of things like that.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like somebody who that's the best lesson to teach to a kid, for example, is that when they make a mistake, they're not their mistake.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a hard time with that because right.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Away.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: My instinct is, you know, I must like to find the blame.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_02: You want to find like who's at fault.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_02: Like, well, if you didn't do this, then this wouldn't have happened.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_02: You like like really like to do that.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: I am broken and fallen man.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I am.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I'm sorry.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let me air out your grievances.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, excuse me.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_02: No, but I think that's important though, to um show them that we aren't perfect.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_02: Show them that faith is always falling down and picking yourself up again.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_02: Going to confession, modeling what it really means to live a faithful Catholic life is not perfection.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_02: It's actually the opposite.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_02: So they should see you sweat.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_02: They should see you make mistakes and get back up.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_02: They should see when you lose your temper that you go and apologize because that wasn't okay to do and to say.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: The old meme would have never done that.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I I eventually I wish I could catch it faster.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting trying to get better.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working at that, trying to not just go straight to like, oh what, you know, like I sound like my father.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_02: I am a fallen person.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am a fallen man, yes, very much so.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um but but I think I've learned though.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_00: I I've learned.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way I've learned was because I started to see that that's a flawed.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's self-reflection.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you we started this podcast, but you say when you're not perfect.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, I hope no one thinks we are because we're the Catholic couple doesn't mean we're the perfect Catholic couple.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_00: We we we share what we've learned over 16 years of marriage and you six years as principal, is that this is when we're doing this right, this is what happens.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: When these five things are practiced, we're not perfect at them.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're human as well.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we know this is what we're supposed to do because we have God as our teacher.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: We both start a day with prayer, we both read scripture every day, we're we go to mass every week, we we we pray the rosary every day, we're doing those things, but it doesn't mean we're perfectly all the time.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what what the point of this this whole thing is that Catholic school isn't gonna be the f the primary faith formation builder, it's a domestic church within us.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm not putting in the the relationship with God, I can't expect that I'm just gonna send them to Catholic school and they're gonna come out because I don't know how many heretics online start the the famous line on every person who disagrees with anything Catholic.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: I went through eight years of Catholic school, all of a sudden they're St.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thomas.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_02: You've never read the Catholic school.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_02: Which was really watered down in the 80s and 90s, so you basically got nothing but be a good person.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: But hold on.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's the point, though.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that just by going to Catholic school doesn't mean that they're gonna be faithful.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be most importantly the fathers in the faith.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: The statistics bear it out that a father that takes his faith seriously and he's leading and he goes to mass, he says his prayers, that's a big part.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_02: You can't expect your kids to take faith seriously if you if they see either one of their parents, but really a lot of times what you're alluding to with the father, grumble and gripe about going to mass, not praying yourself, not taking it seriously.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: Making comments not gonna take it seriously or the priest or the rules or the anomalies or like negative the negativity about it all.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_02: Making comments that you disagree with what the church teaches.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_02: They're going to start to think that they don't then that this is a joke, too, right?
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_02: And not take it seriously.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I think the hardest thing to teach and to learn as fallen, you know, most sinfulness is selfishness.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think the moral of almost all these is humility.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's what it takes.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like uh a true humble person is it will recognize the boundaries, especially when they come from God.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to be humble enough to know, okay, well, God put these here.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_00: I respect them because I'm not God.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, um Saint Teresa Bablo's famous words like this is what the faith comes down to.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're God, I'm not.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_02: Are you talking back to number one of humility?
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking all of them.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so all wait a minute, hold on.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_02: Are we in so we're out of number five and we're gonna sum up all five?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_02: So the root of all five of these is humility.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_02: So let's look at that.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_02: In number one, not that there are boundaries, that my child's gonna make mistakes and that's okay.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_02: And that's not a reflection of me as a parent at all.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_02: Knowing that my child's a human being in adolescence or childhood, they're gonna push boundaries and that's okay.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: On the bigger aspect is that those boundaries aren't made up.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like the boundaries that we're following, the the most important ones, yeah, are they?
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_02: When you're speaking about humility, a lot of people don't want to know that their kids are making mistakes because they think it looks makes them look bad as a parent.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's a reflection, it's a reflection back on that.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we'll put it we'll put it this way.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: In my family, I have four brothers.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: I had two brothers that are cops, and one went to jail.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_00: Same parents, same house.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, is that a reflection?
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what about you?
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, just kidding.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh no, but you're right.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: We still have our free.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: What I was I joking about?
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm half hood, half holy.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, yeah, exactly.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_02: So I mean, yes, how you're how you're raised is a part of you can make hopefully the the mistakes.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, it's humility to recognize the difference, is that people who make mistakes are humbled, they learn from those mistakes.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if those boggies can be crushing or they can be enlightening, they could be part of the path.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_02: Same thing with number two.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_02: You fail at something.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_02: How are you gonna teach your kid to not have that failure define them?
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's your pride that'll make that failure define you, and it'll take humility to take to take that failure and to to turn it into something that you can um help make you be better, right?
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like how how how can you pursue that better version of yourself?
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_00: The whole entire book.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I look for that word because I read on Carol Dweck's.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: I went through the whole entire book.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_00: The word humility doesn't, I think maybe once they sit they they talk about.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about in-growth mindset.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_02: She just defines it, she or she she explains that she never uses the word.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: She never uses the word mindset.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you think that is it's sci it's scientific, but I just think that that word is is what it all comes down to.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually there's a part in the book, the my forthcoming book, uh Guardians and Prophets.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about that in the book, about this this this uh already but not yet, you know, this whole thing of how we grow.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes that humility to say, okay, yes, we're all called to be saints, but when I f I fail, I run to confession because I failed.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: But now I'm trying to ask God to give me the grace to not sin anymore, right?
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I have to first acknowledge that I sinned, I messed up.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way I can get better is not to sit in my sin and avoid God and then just keep doing what I'm doing.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's to say, no, I need help something outside of myself.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: And usually sometimes in the school setting, that's I need intervention or I need extra help on this homework, or I need my mom and dad to show me how to do this thing.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you can't just figure it out on your own.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: And especially in the faith life, it's like you need a spiritual director, a good priest, or a deacon, or a mentor, somebody like, hey, I keep struggling with this sin, or hey, I keep snapping on my kids, or hey, I'm looking to blame everybody, or whatever it is, you know, that sometimes we need some something from outside to help us, and that takes humility because especially with men, I know it's hard, it's like we don't want to ask for directions, we don't want to ask for help.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna white knuckle this, you know, I'm gonna try to figure this out.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I think ultimately the humility part is the answer to everything.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the it's the primary uh source of all virtue.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_00: It starts first and utmost with with humility.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's humility is just the truth.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's all.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, humility is comes from the word that means earth.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: We want to be close down to the earth, not like we're up above everybody.
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_00: All right, and number three, pay attention how you talk about somebody.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what makes humility.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_00: Especially especially not better than others, especially when you disagree with people.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what what was the saying that if you knew what was going on with somebody sometimes, like we don't know what's going on.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like if somebody was rude to you, like pray for that person.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't know what they're going through.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_00: They could have just lost their house, could have just lost a husband, they could have just got a cancer diagnosis.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know how many wounds.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: If we that's why we're called not to judge people, because we can't see their hearts.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: We can't see it.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're going to have not to excuse it, but because we don't get all the information.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_02: And if you're going to have a disagreement about an adult in your child's life, don't talk about it in front of them.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_02: It undermines it all and it empowers them to be disrespectful.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I know you don't want to raise a disrespectful kid.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then um four was read to them.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_02: That takes humility in the sense of you know, I was thinking too, one thing I didn't say about the reading is uh if you're reading a book with your kid, you really can expand their vocabulary and understanding of how they're even interpreting and processing a story.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_02: Well, what we found too.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_00: Brandon always asks, like, what is this word?
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's not the context.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_02: They would have brushed over it.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: But what didn't dig deeper?
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: It gets them, it's like having like it's like having Google.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_02: The humility in there is I have no idea.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_02: I know me and Brandon were reading something, and I'm and he's like, What's that?
• 52:53
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I have no idea.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_02: Let's look that up together.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_02: And we would look things up together and like learn something new.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_02: And it was, it's again.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_02: And having that attitude down to their level.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_00: You never have all the information.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much, the more I the more I learn, the more I know that there is a lot of things that I don't know.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then in number five, we unpack that one.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationship with Jesus takes humbling ourselves.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_02: And humbling ourselves when we do fall, to have our kids see that we mess up and see that we go to make it right.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because Jesus' warning is always in the back of my head.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_00: Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's better for you to do it voluntarily than have God do it to you.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_02: So in these five, I hope that we can bridge the or undo a lot of what or why can't we be different from the culture?
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_02: If the culture says it's us versus them with the school versus parents, Catholic schools should be different.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_02: Catholic schools should be not us.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_02: We're a community.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_02: We're in this is a partnership and we assume positive intent.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I send my kid to a Catholic school because I want them to know Jesus and to be able to be so well formed, both at academically and spiritually, that they can go out and change the world.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_02: And that is why anyone who teaches in Catholic education is there because they they definitely are taking a pay cut, right?
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_02: And they are there so that they could speak about their faith so that they can form kids in both faith and academics.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_02: And let's assume positive attempt and we're in this together.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_00: All right, one last question.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, what?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_00: If I wasn't right, I don't know that what's the one Well in say 10 years, if kids come back to you, what's the number one thing that you want them to remember or that have learned from going to your school?
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_02: I want them to be well when I have the the few that I I'll ask them how high school is, and they were like, I was so ready.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_02: I want them to be confident and strong, but not just in academics, but in their faith.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_02: I'd say confident and strong in faith and you know, like ready to s ready to go into that world swinging in a good way, right?
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_02: And uh like equipped, equipped to be called, right?
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever their calling is, and want them to feel equipped, both spiritually and academically, and ready for whatever life gives them.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_02: And that's why it bothers me so much when we want to try to take away obstacles in our kids' life because it does not equip them.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_02: It there were so many students as a teacher.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I was seeing this because of this whole idea of I need to eliminate every obstacle from my child's life.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_02: There were just so many kids that would come to me in that in that middle school and high school time when I was a teacher that just couldn't cope with basic difficulties that we all would experience in in high school life.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_02: And they just couldn't cope.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's why we have a rise of anxiety and suicidal ideations and all these things, because we have we need to equip our kids with how to handle the world, the real world.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_00: Storms are coming.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_02: Storms are coming, the ships can't stay in the harbor, competent and equipped in both a spiritual way and a material way, because that's the we are.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_02: We're both body and soul, right?
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's a beautiful answer.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if you like this episode, we appreciate it if you hit that like, share, subscribe button.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: It really helps get this message out.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, keep Katie and her staff in your prayers as the school year is is going, and um, do appreciate you taking the time.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you like this, share it with somebody.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, maybe you try to uh apply it.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: Message us, let us know what you think.
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_00: If there's something that you would add, we'd also like to hear from you as well.
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, there's more than five.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is just my top five.
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is just a starter.
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't know this yet, but there's gonna be more episodes on the next slide.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, too bad.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_00: We got her, we got her, anyways.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_00: So God bless you and have a beautiful night.