Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Jon Stewart _ The News Team Recap the Endless War in Iran

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Jon Stewart _ The News Team Recap the Endless War in Iran · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Days away from war.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Usually when we get in a war in the Middle East,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: there's a Marty Supreme level press rollout. Months and months
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: of endless promotion, interviews, manufactured intelligence.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: They got weapons of mass destruction, shwap!
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Until finally, we acquiesce to the war just in the
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: hopes that the selling of it will stop. Because it
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: seems vaguely charming. But this war, one day it's nothing,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: and the next day we filled their waterway with giant ships.
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: Why?
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: What's the urgency?
• 0:48
  Speaker 4: Special Envoy Steve Witkoff has this warning about Iran's nuclear power.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: They're probably a week away from having industrial-grade bomb-making material.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: An atomic bomb by Monday? Oh, shit, when was this
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: interview taped? Do they already have the bomb?
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Is it five.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: Business days to the bomb? Do Muslims get weekends? Do
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: they work through? I got to say, a week away
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: from having the material for a nuclear bomb. I'm a
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: little surprised to hear that. You know, I thought I
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: remembered someone saying something about that nation's nuclear program being.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: What was the word I was looking for?
• 1:36
  Speaker 5: Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities have been completely and totally obliterated.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I remember Trump saying, we totally obliterated their nuclear program
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: and yelling at people who questioned it, which makes me wonder.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: How obliterated was it?
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen before. So the
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: kind of obliteration that somehow re-bliterates?
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Almost immediately?
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, no one has ever seen that before. We obliterated
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: that building. The building we are currently standing on?
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, that is correct.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: So is our plan now to re-obliterate their nuclear program
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: every few months?
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Or is there a longer-term strategy?
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Taking the armada to offshore Iran is to put pressure
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: on Iran, first and foremost, to come to the table
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: to negotiate around nuclear weapons.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Oh, I see.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: The old carrot and stick. Our peace through strength will
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: force Iran to make, let's call it an Iran nuclear deal.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I think I remember that phrase from when we made
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: a nuclear deal with Iran.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: What happened to that?
• 3:16
  Speaker 5: I am announcing today that the United States will withdraw
• 3:21
  Speaker 5: from the Iran nuclear deal.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Oh, right, Trump obliterated it.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: So just to be clear, Donald Trump is on the
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: brink of war with Iran to either obliterate the program
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Trump had previously obliterated or to force them into signing
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: a deal like the one Trump had pulled out of.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: It's all in Chapter 9 of Art of the Deal,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Eating Your Own Asshole. Early Saturday morning, American Israel launched
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: a surprise war against Iran. I call it a surprise war.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Because here's what one of the mediators said after negotiations
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: on Friday.
• 4:09
  Speaker 6: I am confident, and in my assessment of the way
• 4:13
  Speaker 6: the talks are going, the peace deal is within our reach.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, the peace deal is within our reach.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: But it turns out the bombshit button was much closer.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: very nervous and one person very happy. This enables us
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: to do what I have long hoped to do for
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: 40 years.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: What?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: I've had four decades of regime change blue balls.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: But of course, the announcement that our nation is at
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: war is the.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Most solemn moment of any president's tenure and an opportunity
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: to reassure an anxious nation. to reaffirm the righteousness.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Of the cause.
• 4:56
  Speaker 5: A short time ago, the United States military began major
• 5:02
  Speaker 5: combat operations in Iran.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sorry. Can I just jump in here real quick?
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: This is how we're doing this?
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: 2 a.m., Mar-a-Lago basement, no lighting? You don't even have
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: one of those influencer halo things? Just go down in
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: the basement, and this is what we're wearing? Blazer, no tie,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: shirt unbuttoned? Looking more like the father of the bride
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: settling up with the caterer?
• 5:32
  Speaker 7: Is that what we're doing?
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: And not to nitpick, obviously, but baseball hat? We're going
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: with a baseball hat? For a war of choice?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm gonna go down and make my war announcement.
• 5:47
  Speaker 8: Don't forget the hat I got you! at the airport
• 5:53
  Speaker 8: souvenir store.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: It's bigger than your head, put it on. It goes
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: great in the dark.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: Jeez.
• 6:16
  Speaker 7: Man.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: You had all the options. It's a war of choice.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: You could have done this at the White House in
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: a suit in the I killed bin Laden hallway. But no,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: you decided to go with vacation house trucker hat guy
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: who was about to make an announcement at his club's
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: member member tournament.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: It's classy. Reminds me of.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: FDR's day that will live in infamy speech. We have
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: nothing to fear but glare in my eyes. But at
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: the very least, we should at least be thankful that
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: the hat is on forwards.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: We're taking our nation to war.
• 7:14
  Speaker 7: What's up?
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I'll give you a mulligan.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Come back tomorrow dressed for the war you want. And
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: then you can give us perhaps a more sober launching
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: of this incredibly consequential moment.
• 7:38
  Speaker 5: The United States and its partners have Launched Operation Epic Fury.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I'm going to jump in right there, please. Epic Fury?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Is this a war, or did the Paul brothers launch
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: another energy drink?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Stop letting the millennials name shit. Oh, I'm sorry.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I got off track. How did Operation Epic Fury start?
• 8:07
  Speaker 7: This morning, the U.S.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: And Israel launching a major wide-scale daytime attack on Iran.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Smoke seen rising.
• 8:13
  Speaker 9: Near government offices and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's residence.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that's got to rattle.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: Khamenei.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Although Khamenei's got to be on high alert. I mean,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: I doubt he's anywhere near a location that obvious. Given
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: the advanced surveillance he's been under from American and Israeli intelligence.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: This is the moment that officials say the 86-year-old Ayatollah
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: was killed.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: And he stayed in his house. Old people are so stubborn.
• 8:46
  Speaker 7: It's like.
• 8:51
  Speaker 7: They really are.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Like, you cannot tell them anything. Sir, please, you are
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: in danger here.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not leaving. This is my house. I didn't ask
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: you to stay. You can go. I'm staying.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: What are they going to do?
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: That guy.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: By the way, there he was, martyred at 86.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Man, are the virgins going to be disappointed. I'm sorry,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: am I going too hard on hominy?
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Murderous dictate? Whoa.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Don't make fun of his erectile dysfunction. That's a bridge
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: too far, Stuart. Guy f * * * ing mowed
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: down his own people, but, you know, Viagra's a serious drug. No,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: America apparently had to start an entire war to kill
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: an 80,000... man in ill health and not wait, I
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: don't know, three weeks to let saturated fat do its thing.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: But just so you know, Israel and America made their move,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: and now Iraq will make their move.
• 10:17
  Speaker 9: Iran is widening the scope of its response this morning.
• 10:19
  Speaker 9: Neighbors across the region dragged into the chaos.
• 10:22
  Speaker 10: Attacks at multiple bases, including those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan,
• 10:27
  Speaker 10: and Qatar.
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: Kuwait, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Basically, the whole of the Gulf.
• 10:32
  Speaker 11: It's also fired on Europe for the first time, aiming
• 10:35
  Speaker 11: at Cyprus.
• 10:38
  Speaker 7: What?
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Cyprus?
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where that is. Is Cyprus even
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: on that risk board? I don't even think it's around there.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: So wait a minute, wait a minute, let me get
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: this straight. America and Israel attack Iran. And Iran's answer is.
• 10:57
  Speaker 7: To just attack everybody.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: You know, having been in a bar fight or two
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: in my life, I'm pretty sure the worst thing you
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: can do during.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: A two-on-one beatdown is slap everyone else. Hey, hey, not
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: every part of me is getting punched. What are you doing?
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: What are you doing?
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: Hey, you! We are now.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Four days into this war and it's going great.
• 11:27
  Speaker 12: It's definitely not expanding into an ever-widening regional conflict that
• 11:31
  Speaker 12: puts Americans in immediate danger.
• 11:33
  Speaker 13: Overnight, the State Department issuing its strongest warning yet, urging U.S.
• 11:38
  Speaker 13: nationals to depart now.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: The State Department advising Americans to evacuate from 14 countries
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: covering most of the Middle East.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Things are escalating fast.
• 11:49
  Speaker 12: Americans now have to evacuate from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and
• 11:52
  Speaker 12: several other countries where Louis C.K.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Does stand-up.
• 11:55
  Speaker 12: Of course, the problem with evacuating from a war zone
• 11:59
  Speaker 12: is that.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: All the airports are closed.
• 12:02
  Speaker 12: And I'm sure our government planned for this.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: U.S.
• 12:04
  Speaker 12: Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee, help us out. Tell the
• 12:07
  Speaker 12: stranded Americans how to get home.
• 12:09
  Speaker 11: The Israeli Ministry of Tourism is providing bus service from
• 12:15
  Speaker 11: several locations.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, you want us to take a bus out
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: of a war zone?
• 12:25
  Speaker 12: In the movies, there's a chopper outside, and a Navy
• 12:28
  Speaker 12: SEAL comes down on a rope, and he pulls you
• 12:30
  Speaker 12: on board, and he says, you're gonna make it in
• 12:31
  Speaker 12: time for your daughter's birthday. But you're sitting there telling me,
• 12:35
  Speaker 12: it's fine, take the Greyhound. There's no Wi-Fi, and the
• 12:39
  Speaker 12: bathroom works as long as you don't poop in it.
• 12:43
  Speaker 12: By the way, is this the official ambassador outfit these days?
• 12:48
  Speaker 12: He looks like the guy who sits outside of a
• 12:50
  Speaker 12: gas station and gives you directions to someplace in the
• 12:52
  Speaker 12: woods where he can kill you. And the most upsetting
• 12:58
  Speaker 12: thing about this is that it's all happening under a
• 13:00
  Speaker 12: president who promised that this wasn't gonna happen.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna start a war. I'm gonna stop wars.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: No new wars. We don't need the wars. My personality's
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: gonna keep us out of wars.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: I am the candidate of peace. I am peace.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I will stop the chaos in the Middle East.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Well, well, well, looks like we caught Donald Trump in
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: a lie. That ought to do it for his presidency, huh?
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Not bad for the old Costa. You're welcome, America.
• 13:31
  Speaker 12: All right, so to Trump supporters, I'm sorry, but you
• 13:34
  Speaker 12: have to admit he's gone back on his promise by
• 13:38
  Speaker 12: starting a new war.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: This isn't a war. We haven't declared war on Iran.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I don't know if this is technically a war. Strategic
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: strikes are not war.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: Nobody should classify this as war.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: It is combat operations. Sure, sure. It's a strategic combat operations. Guys,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: you can call it whatever you want.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: We all know it's a war.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: This reminds me of how.
• 13:58
  Speaker 12: My Aunt Trudy, she used to bring her so-called roommate
• 14:01
  Speaker 12: to Thanksgiving every year.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: We all knew they weren't roommates. They were soulmates, and
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: they were scissoring.
• 14:16
  Speaker 12: The war with Iran is just like my two gay aunts.
• 14:20
  Speaker 12: Shown here, exactly how they look.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: By the way... This all seems a little familiar.
• 14:25
  Speaker 12: Where else have I recently heard such a pathetic attempt
• 14:28
  Speaker 12: to not call a war a war?
• 14:31
  Speaker 9: Russian forces began hitting targets in Ukraine overnight. Russian President
• 14:35
  Speaker 9: Vladimir Putin announced what he called a special military operation.
• 14:39
  Speaker 12: He refused to call it a war.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: Ah, great.
• 14:42
  Speaker 12: Always good for the country to have the same messaging
• 14:45
  Speaker 12: strategy as Vladimir Putin. We don't need Trump copying more
• 14:49
  Speaker 12: shit Putin does. It's a slippery slope that could lead
• 14:51
  Speaker 12: to the worst possible scenario, Trump going shirtless.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: And, uh.
• 15:00
  Speaker 12: And I know they don't want to admit it's a
• 15:01
  Speaker 12: war because that would require Congress's approval and directly contradict
• 15:05
  Speaker 12: President Trump's promises, but they're also so desperate not to
• 15:08
  Speaker 12: call it a war that one conservative newscaster is arguing
• 15:12
  Speaker 12: with his own graphics package.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 15:20
  Speaker 7: War with Iran?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's war in Iran. War.
• 15:25
  Speaker 12: war from Iran?
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: War via Iran? What if we combine them?
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: War-ran?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Is that anything? Look, call whatever you want. A war,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: a combat operation, international fight club. How long is this
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: thing gonna take? This is not an endless war. This
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: is not endless. The president doesn't believe in endless wars.
• 15:50
  Speaker 10: This is no forever war, as Trump critics keep complaining.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, but that's not as comforting as you think
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: it is.
• 15:57
  Speaker 12: Don't worry, everyone, this war will last a number below
• 16:00
  Speaker 12: infinity years.
• 16:03
  Speaker 7: But, okay, fine.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: At least we know this war won't be fought forever.
• 16:08
  Speaker 14: Breaking overnight, President Trump touting that the U.S. has a, quote,
• 16:12
  Speaker 14: virtually unlimited supply of weapons. The president posting on Truth Social,
• 16:16
  Speaker 14: in part, wars can be fought forever.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Great news, everyone.
• 16:20
  Speaker 12: Now the war never has to end. I guess I'm
• 16:25
  Speaker 12: happy for Trump that we have unlimited weapons. But it's
• 16:28
  Speaker 12: worth considering what all these weapons cost and whether we
• 16:33
  Speaker 12: could be better spending that money on something else here
• 16:35
  Speaker 12: at home. I mean, we lost hundreds of millions of
• 16:38
  Speaker 12: dollars in a single friendly fire incident. And some estimates
• 16:41
  Speaker 12: say that the entire war could cost over $ 200 billion.
• 16:45
  Speaker 12: Yet here in America, people don't have health care. Our
• 16:49
  Speaker 12: infrastructure is crumbling. My local library is only open two
• 16:52
  Speaker 12: days a week, which means for five days a week,
• 16:55
  Speaker 12: I have to masturbate at home.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: It's shameful.
• 17:00
  Speaker 12: If there was only some image that could symbolize the
• 17:02
  Speaker 12: confidence I have in our country's elected leaders right now.
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Yep, that's it.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: It's unbelievable how disconnected Donald Trump is from the chaos
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: that he himself is causing the American people. But I'm
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: glad you could have a nice time golfing and visiting
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: Graceland while we're all freaking the out.
• 17:25
  Speaker 6: President Trump issues a deadline to open the Strait of
• 17:27
  Speaker 6: Hormuz by Monday night, or he says he'll, quote, obliterate
• 17:31
  Speaker 6: Iranian power plants.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Iran isn't blinking, saying if power plants are attacked, Iran
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: will target the power plants of regional countries.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: This escalates every day with no end in sight. The
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: countdown ticks towards Monday night.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, Monday, we've got plenty of time to.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: Wait! If I'm here, that must mean....
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: But lo and behold, today Trump removed the sword of
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Donald Cleese that he himself had hung over our heads.
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: The president, just posting moments ago, he has now decided to, quote,
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: postpone any and all military strikes on Iranian power plants.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: The president claiming the U.S.
• 18:14
  Speaker 11: Has been negotiating with Iran over the weekend, calling them in-depth, detailed,
• 18:18
  Speaker 11: and constructive conversations.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Well, I guess we're all going to have a little
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: less action. a little more conversation.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 18:42
  Speaker 7: Boys! Two, three, four!
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: A little less conversation. That's all we get due to
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: budget constraints, unfortunately.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: But you know what? Take a step back. You know,
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: It's a good news story. It's a sigh of relief
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: for everybody.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: It's progress.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: And we've got to celebrate the wins, you know, in
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: this way. It's like our friend Punch. You remember our
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: friend Punch.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: We brought Punch up previously. Well, good news.
• 19:14
  Speaker 9: Does Punch the monkey have a girlfriend? Punch has been
• 19:17
  Speaker 9: spotted canoodling with a female monkey. There they are, hugging
• 19:22
  Speaker 9: and kissing and affectionately playing with each other.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Fantastic. It's really nice. Although, hey, listen, girl, straight talk.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: I know what you're thinking, but girl, you can't fix him.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: You just....
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: Punch, seriously, if you're watching, I am happy for you.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: But little advice, prenup.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: You're a famous guy now, and you don't want to
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: end up splitting your fortune in half. I guess that's
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: not quite half.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: But back to escalating... Oh, God, do I really have to.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: But back to Iran. Escalating tensions in the Middle East.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: I must applaud the president for stepping back from the
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: cliff of escalation and engaging Iran in productive talks.
• 20:40
  Speaker 14: Iran has responded at state media saying there are no talks.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Well, now we're in the uncomfortable position of.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Who to believe.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: Normally in this situation, I think we'd all be inclined to,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: in some measure, not trust the pronouncements coming from this
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: theocratic and corrupt regime.
• 21:13
  Speaker 12: Iran.
• 21:15
  Speaker 10: Iran.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Talking about Iran. For clarity, I just want to... Iran,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: we'd be inclined.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: Not to trust Iran. So let's give our president the
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: benefit of the doubt and just probe a little deeper. Sir,
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: you say we're having talks with Iran. Who did you
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: talk to?
• 21:36
  Speaker 7: A top person.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: A top person? or the top person?
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: The article really makes a huge difference here.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: Like, the guy or some ing guy? You know, it's
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: a little tough.
• 22:01
  Speaker 15: They've wiped out, we've wiped out everybody.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: So a lower level guy who's been elevated to a
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: higher echelon, a bottom who is now a top, versatile,
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: but not, not stop it.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Or I will rip your stuffed monkey in half.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: So you're talking to a guy, but not the top guy,
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: not the supreme leader.
• 22:43
  Speaker 5: No, not the supreme leader, but the people that seem
• 22:45
  Speaker 5: to be running it.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: Again.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Running it or seem to be running it. It's a
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: big difference. Hey, where's our car? Oh, I gave it
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: to the guy who seems to be the valet. He
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: had a jacket, standing by the curb, seemed like a
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: top guy, and he did take the car. What made
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: you think he was the top guy when you had
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: the talks with him?
• 23:20
  Speaker 5: Mr.
• 23:21
  Speaker 7: Witkoff and Mr. Kushner had them.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: So you didn't even talk to them.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: Your guys, who quite frankly don't seem like top guys,
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: talk to their seemingly somewhat top guy. Are Jared and
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: Steve sure this is even a real person that they're
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: talking to? Out of curiosity, did the top Iranian guy
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: ever ask for their social security numbers? Or Target gift cards?
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Is their top guy's name, by any chance, Ali Baba Booey?
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: Because it's sounding like bullshit. Maybe if you walk us
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: through the details, it'll feel more real.
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: You said there's many points of agreement with Iran right now.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: Many. What?
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Can you give us a... Many, like 15 points. 15 points.
• 24:12
  Speaker 7: Like 15?
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Or 15! God damn it! Why do we have to
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: do this?
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: What are we doing? Well, well, well.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Looks like the creatine is working. I only eat meats
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: and ferments.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: Seriously, like 15 or 15? Just keep going. What's the
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: first point?
• 24:58
  Speaker 5: Well, they're not going to have a nuclear weapon. That's
• 25:00
  Speaker 5: number one. That's number one, two, and three.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: It's... I want to believe this is real, but there's
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: no way that your 15-point agreement, one, two, and three
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: are no nuclear. First of all, that makes it a
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: 13-point agreement, just right off the bat.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: And there's no way.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: You went to Iran and were like, all right, first point,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: no nuclear weapons. And point number two, same. Point number three, see,
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: point number two. That's what we're supposed to believe.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: They will never have a nuclear weapon. They've agreed to that.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Donald Trump is, without a doubt, one of the most
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: prodigious liars this country has ever produced. He's our supreme misleader.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: But the chaos this very actual war is creating is
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: making us question even his reality-distorting powers.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: Let's step back into the Wayback Machine.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: All the way back, I don't know, June, when Israel
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: and the United States first bombed Iran's nuclear program.
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: We wiped out the nuclear capability of Iran, obliterated it.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen before. I would
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: say it set back permanently.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: That place is under rock.
• 26:21
  Speaker 7: That place is demolished.
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: They're never going to have nuclear. Never.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: Permanently.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: Obliterated.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Caitlin Collins, you have a question.
• 26:32
  Speaker 11: You obliterated their nuclear sites last summer with your strikes.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Then how can you argue it was an.
• 26:37
  Speaker 15: Imminent threat now?
• 26:38
  Speaker 5: Oh, we hit them so hard we obliterated them. But
• 26:42
  Speaker 5: that doesn't mean with the right equipment you can't dig
• 26:46
  Speaker 5: down and go get it.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: Actually, I.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Think it's exactly what it means. That's what, god damn it.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: It's so annoying. It's so unbelievably annoying.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Here we go.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: To obliterate. To destroy completely, leaving nothing behind.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: There's nothing in here about, well, we completely obliterated it,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: unless they have shovels.
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: By the way, nuclear question aside, are they even opening
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: the Strait of Hormuz? Isn't that what prompted your apocalyptic
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: ultimatum in the first place?
• 27:35
  Speaker 5: That'll be opened very soon, if this works.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: How soon?
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: And who's in control of it? Will Iran still be
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: able to control the flow of oil?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Be jointly controlled. By whom? Maybe me.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: Maybe me.
• 27:49
  Speaker 5: Me and the Ayatollah, whoever the Ayatollah is.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Coming soon.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: From Skydance, Paramount Brothers, Amazon, Comcast. Two bitter enemies put
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: aside their differences and learn, and learn that oil's fair
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: in love and war. Will opening a straight open their hearts?
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: Premieres on Paramount plus plus minus divided by.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: And has already been canceled.
• 28:32
  Speaker 7: Jesus.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: What the?
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: Well, maybe I'll run it with the Ayatollah, like two
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: bridge trolls. Whoever wants to take oil to sea must
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: answer me.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: These riddles three. I hate, here's what I hate.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: I hate how these questions of great importance and consequence
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: to our country he handles with such shitty glibness.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'll run it.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Aren't I a little stinker?
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: I bombed Iran. Can't you just eat me up with
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: a spoon?
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: But as many of you know, it's the one-month anniversary
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: of the Iran war. And as we all know, one
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: month is the escalated threat anniversary.
• 29:20
  Speaker 6: If the Strait of Hormuz is not immediately open for business,
• 29:23
  Speaker 6: we will conclude by blowing up and completely obliterating all
• 29:27
  Speaker 6: of their electric-generating plants, oil wells, and Karg Island.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: Better open that Strait or we're going to blow you up!
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: LAUGHTER than we already blew you up.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: We're going to double blow you up. We're going to
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: blow you up. That's where we are at in our war.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign unless Iran
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: opens the straight that they closed.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: In response to Trump's bombing campaign. I.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: I believe we've entered what General Patton used to refer
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: to as the human centipede portion of the war.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: I urge you not to look that up.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: And I understand why the world would like the Strait
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: of Hormuz open.
• 30:18
  Speaker 15: The conflict is disrupting global supply chains for other surprising
• 30:22
  Speaker 15: and essential products.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Grain, nuts, oil, saffron, dates. Paddles and pickleballs.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not sure how that snuck into the essential
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: product store.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: But I guess we all make sacrifices in wartime.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: My dearest Eliza, it's been over a month since I've
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: played Well, not tennis. Kind of like tennis. It's more
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: like baby tennis. Well, it's bigger than ping pong. You
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: really have to try it, Eliza.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: It's so fun. Acting. That was acting. What else is
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: being blocked?
• 31:27
  Speaker 7: It's getting harder to get food that comes with pistachios.
• 31:30
  Speaker 9: You can't make Dubai chocolate bars.
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: Oh, no!
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: What will our influencers stand in line to pretend to eat?
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: To buy chocolate, my God, that's been an American staple
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: for tens of days. I can't believe how the news
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: has to frame world events to try and make Americans care.
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: The whole region is being flattened. Innocent people are dying.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: Their food and fuel are in total chaos. And our
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: news is like, if this goes on any longer, say
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: goodbye to your stuffed crust pizza.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: Are Americans losing anything else?
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: It turns out there is another key material being affected
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: by the war in Iran, fertilizer.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: There could be helium shortages. Yes, the gas that's used
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: in party balloons.
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: What the?
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: Helium is a fundamental gas used in the production of
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: advanced chip technology.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: You don't have to dumb it down to make.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: Us, oh, this war could be even bad for your promposals.
• 32:39
  Speaker 7: Like, come on!
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: For the ballroom, Trump will.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: Pull an all-nighter for a point-by-point rebuttal.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: For the war?
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: Literally doesn't have the focus to answer one question about
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: the dire consequences of his actions on his favorite network.
• 33:02
  Speaker 15: I think it is alarming that we have not been
• 33:06
  Speaker 15: able to see or hear from any of the Iranian people.
• 33:10
  Speaker 15: And I think there is some general worry about them.
• 33:14
  Speaker 15: Do you have any insight as to how they are doing?
• 33:16
  Speaker 15: Do they have drinking water? Do they have food?
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Wow, straightforward questions. It asks the president to put himself
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: in the shoes of those purportedly we're trying to liberate
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: and the suffering they may be going through. The Iranian
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: people are hurting, sir.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: Do they have food?
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Right, I do.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: It's upsetting.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: I do.
• 33:36
  Speaker 5: But first, you remember when we had lunch years ago
• 33:39
  Speaker 5: in the base of Trump Tower when it was a
• 33:41
  Speaker 5: brand new building?
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: So the point is, the Iranians might not have food,
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: but you remember you and I, about 12, 13 years ago,
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: had a club sandwich, remember that?
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: A long time ago, yes. A long time ago, and
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: you haven't changed.
• 33:59
  Speaker 7: You have not changed.
• 34:01
  Speaker 5: Now, I'm not allowed to say this.
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: It's the end of my political career.
• 34:04
  Speaker 5: But you may be even better looking, okay?
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: So I don't.
• 34:07
  Speaker 7: Know what you're doing.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: But I will not say that.
• 34:10
  Speaker 12: I will not say.
• 34:10
  Speaker 5: That because that will end my political career. You know,
• 34:13
  Speaker 5: you're not allowed to say a woman's beautiful anymore.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: You know, it's funny, Dana.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: Your question about the suffering of the Iranian people has
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: somehow made me horny.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know why.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: I guess you ask me, do they have food? Do
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: they have water? And the whole time I'm thinking like,
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: what a piece of ass.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: What a delightful piece of ass you are. You remember that, Dana?
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: Remember how I made you uncomfortable at lunch?
• 34:42
  Speaker 11: Let's move on to a different type of inflation, the
• 34:45
  Speaker 11: one at the gas pump.
• 34:47
  Speaker 6: All right, the breaking news this morning, gas prices in
• 34:49
  Speaker 6: the United States now higher than $ 4 a gallon for
• 34:52
  Speaker 6: the first time since 2022. Part of the reason, basically
• 34:56
  Speaker 6: the full closure of the Strait of Hormuz.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: Almost no oil has passed out over the last month.
• 35:02
  Speaker 7: Yeah, this sucks.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: We're supposed to be drill, baby, drill. We're supposed to
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: be self-sufficient.
• 35:08
  Speaker 7: So how is the gas prices going up?
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: It's too expensive, papi.
• 35:11
  Speaker 7: You know, I might buy me.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: A horse or something.
• 35:16
  Speaker 11: Yes, that, sir, is a great idea. Horses drink much
• 35:19
  Speaker 11: less gasoline. By the way, this is how much Americans
• 35:23
  Speaker 11: hate Teslas now. They're just like, how do I stop
• 35:25
  Speaker 11: using so much gas?
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Maybe a horse?
• 35:30
  Speaker 11: It doesn't matter how many horses we buy. Oil prices
• 35:33
  Speaker 11: won't come down until the Strait of Hormuz is as
• 35:36
  Speaker 11: open as Kristi Noem's marriage. President Trump, President Trump, it
• 35:41
  Speaker 11: was your stupid war that closed it in the first place.
• 35:44
  Speaker 11: Do you have any suggestions for how to open it
• 35:46
  Speaker 11: back up?
• 35:47
  Speaker 6: All of those countries that can't get jet fuel because
• 35:49
  Speaker 6: of the Strait of Hormuz, I have a suggestion for you.
• 35:52
  Speaker 6: Build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait and
• 35:55
  Speaker 6: just take it. You'll have to start learning how to
• 35:58
  Speaker 6: fight for yourselves. Go get your own oil.
• 36:04
  Speaker 11: So just to get this straight, you started a war
• 36:07
  Speaker 11: that caused the Strait of Hormuz to be closed, and
• 36:10
  Speaker 11: now you want someone else to figure.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: Out how to open it? It's the Middle East.
• 36:15
  Speaker 11: It's not a toilet in the second floor office bathroom.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: If you clogged it, it's your job to unclog it.
• 36:22
  Speaker 11: Unless, unless no one saw you go in and then
• 36:25
  Speaker 11: you blame it on Michael Kosta.
• 36:35
  Speaker 10: This leads to an important point about the Iran war.
• 36:37
  Speaker 10: Memes are weapons now.
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: War with Iran isn't just playing out on the ground.
• 36:42
  Speaker 4: It's exploding online. Iranian embassies and pro-Iran groups are flooding
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: social media with AI-generated memes, many mocking President Trump and U.S.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: Policy.
• 36:55
  Speaker 10: Oh, mocking President Trump.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: No one's ever thought of that. Big deal.
• 37:03
  Speaker 10: Look, no offense, Iran, but you're not exactly known as
• 37:06
  Speaker 10: a cultural powerhouse, okay? So good luck impressing Americans with
• 37:10
  Speaker 10: your little videos.
• 37:12
  Speaker 9: Holy shit!
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: Did I....
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: What was going on there?
• 37:38
  Speaker 10: Is there a sequel to a Lego movie I don't
• 37:40
  Speaker 10: know about? Did I just see Iran fire a loser
• 37:44
  Speaker 10: rocket at Lego Trump? I mean, look, do I support
• 37:49
  Speaker 10: Iran propaganda?
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: No.
• 37:51
  Speaker 10: Could it end up on my Spotify wrapped? Absolutely. I mean,
• 37:56
  Speaker 10: I kind of can't wait for Iran to headline Coachella
• 37:59
  Speaker 10: next year. But if Ayatollah can do that, you know what?
• 38:03
  Speaker 10: I bet Donald Trump and his virgin maxing meme lords
• 38:06
  Speaker 10: can go even harder, all right?
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: Show him what you got, Trump. You wanna see me
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: do it again? You wanna see me do it again?
• 38:17
  Speaker 10: What the was that?
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: That was the shittiest meme ever. How is Trump bad
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: at this?
• 38:28
  Speaker 10: What was the point of electing a cyberbully if he
• 38:31
  Speaker 10: sucks at cyberbullying? I was worried we might be the
• 38:35
  Speaker 10: bad guys in this war, but after seeing this diss track,
• 38:37
  Speaker 10: I'm realizing it's much worse.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: What Drake? The big update on the war with Iran.
• 38:48
  Speaker 12: Specifically, the update is that I have no idea what
• 38:52
  Speaker 12: the is going on with the.
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: War in Iran.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Nobody has had any idea since day one.
• 38:57
  Speaker 12: Trump just started this war on us like a dog
• 39:00
  Speaker 12: bringing us a dead bird.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: We don't even want this. Now, we have to clean
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: this up?
• 39:06
  Speaker 12: And it doesn't help that everything he says about this
• 39:08
  Speaker 12: war is immediately canceled out by the next thing he
• 39:11
  Speaker 12: says about this war.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: It was only going to be four weeks, then six weeks,
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: then eight to ten weeks. He wanted unconditional surrender. Then
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: he wanted a nuclear deal. Then he wanted to open
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: the strait. Please, Mr. President, can you stop bullshitting us
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: and just find an end to this war? President Trump
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: just told the New York Post that Vice President J.D.
• 39:29
  Speaker 9: Vance and his delegation are in the air on the
• 39:31
  Speaker 9: way to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: Thank you. Yes. We must be nearing peace.
• 39:37
  Speaker 12: I mean, Trump makes up a lot of bullshit, but
• 39:40
  Speaker 12: if he says the vice president is in the air,
• 39:42
  Speaker 12: that definitely happened.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: But that didn't happen. Vice President J.D. Vance, who was
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: preparing to fly to Islamabad, never left.
• 39:50
  Speaker 7: Wait, wait.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: So he just made up a flight? Look, I know
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: everyone who knows J.D.
• 39:58
  Speaker 12: Vance is always wishing that he was on his way
• 40:00
  Speaker 12: to another continent, but this is not the time to
• 40:03
  Speaker 12: manifest it into being. The ceasefire expires today, unless you're
• 40:08
  Speaker 12: going to extend it.
• 40:09
  Speaker 15: The president said it was highly unlikely he would extend
• 40:12
  Speaker 15: the ceasefire.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: I expect to be bombing.
• 40:15
  Speaker 9: Shit.
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: Okay. So J.D.
• 40:17
  Speaker 12: Vance is not on a flight, and Trump is not
• 40:20
  Speaker 12: extending the ceasefire.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: Okay, I got it.
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: Late this afternoon, President Trump announced he was extending the
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: ceasefire indefinitely.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Indefinitely?
• 40:29
  Speaker 7: Oh, God.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: So, uh, hold on.
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: Uh....
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: No ceasefire to ceasefire. J.D. Vance to no J.D.
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: Vance.
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, it doesn't. It just says boobs again.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: Jesus Christ.
• 40:43
  Speaker 3: You know what?
• 40:47
  Speaker 9: Nice.
• 40:47
  Speaker 3: Boobs.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: But you know what? At least a ceasefire is better
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: than no ceasefire. It means that nobody's getting attacked or
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: shot at.
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: So, phew.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: Actually, this is a good thing.
• 40:57
  Speaker 13: Hours after President Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran attacking vessels in
• 41:02
  Speaker 13: the Strait of Hormuz. More ships fired upon and seized.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: By Iranian forces.
• 41:08
  Speaker 13: Iran unmistakably sending a message to President Trump.
• 41:13
  Speaker 15: Jesus!
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: That's the shortest indefinite ceasefire I've ever seen. President Trump,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: Iran's navy is shooting at ships. Iran's navy is gone.
• 41:24
  Speaker 7: Shut the f * * * up!
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: Just shut up! God, just shut up! Jesus, nothing you
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: say means anything!