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Want An Emotionally Secure Relationship?  Ask Your Partner These 8 Questions · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody. It is Saturday, April twenty fifth, and
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: we have a very fun episode for you. I happen
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: to stumble upon an article from a Harvard trained psychologist,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: I'll give us some love. Doctor Courtney Warren is her name,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: and she says that there are eight things that couples
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: who are emotionally secure regularly talk about it And she
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  Speaker 1: talks about these subjects with the question a way of
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: entering into these types of conversations. And so I thought
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: it would be cool, babe, if we went over over
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  Speaker 1: these eight topics to see if we have these types
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  Speaker 1: of conversations that were supposed to be have an having
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  Speaker 1: for us to know and recognize that, yes, in fact,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: we can trust each other and emotionally we have a
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: secure relationship. That is the goal, right to have a trusting,
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  Speaker 1: emotionally secure relationship?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, is it? I think if people know that's the goal,
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  Speaker 2: do we think? Don't we just want to feel good?
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  Speaker 2: Somebody needs to come be my partner to compliment me.
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  Speaker 2: I'm saying, I'm not challenging you. I am saying, is
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  Speaker 2: that really what people go into relationships wanting? These?
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  Speaker 1: I think they don't know to maybe use that language,
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  Speaker 1: But that is ultimately what we're seeking because for those
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: of us who have had some ups and downs, who
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: have had some relationships that haven't ended like we hoped
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  Speaker 1: they would, that's all of us, Yes, exactly.
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  Speaker 2: Even if you've been married forty five years right now, correct,
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  Speaker 2: your relationship didn't end the way you thought it would.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And even if you have been in a marriage
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  Speaker 1: for I don't know how many years, is it a
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  Speaker 1: successful one?
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  Speaker 3: How do you define success?
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  Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people would define success, yes,
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  Speaker 1: by how connected and.
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  Speaker 3: Close you feel to that partner.
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  Speaker 1: How much can you trust them, how much connection do
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  Speaker 1: you feel with them? Can you lean on them in
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  Speaker 1: good times and celebrate with them back in good times
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  Speaker 1: and recognize this is my person?
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  Speaker 2: Don't Some people define success in their marriages. They're still together,
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  Speaker 2: they never cheated on each other, they raise kids together,
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  Speaker 2: And isn't that success? It's just not about right I'm saying,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: isn't our level or our bar for success in a relationship?
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  Speaker 2: It seems to me robes lack. Sometimes the happiness quotientrect
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  Speaker 2: doesn't matter how happy you are. It means how successful
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  Speaker 2: you are based on longevity, Like, how well do we
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  Speaker 2: put up with each other.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like it does get to that point for
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  Speaker 3: a lot of folks.
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  Speaker 1: And I do think that there are younger couples who
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  Speaker 1: look at maybe examples they've seen from either their parents
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  Speaker 1: or other older folks who have been together for and
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  Speaker 1: they say, I never want that relationship.
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  Speaker 3: I don't want my hear that lot.
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  Speaker 1: Marriage or my relationship to look like that. And what
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  Speaker 1: is that that's missing. It's connection, it's communication, it's trust,
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  Speaker 1: it's emotionally being secure.
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  Speaker 3: With one another.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that's not something necessarily we're taught, but
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  Speaker 1: I think deep down it's what we're all looking for.
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  Speaker 2: Tell me in the name of this this, okay, doesn't
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  Speaker 2: matter that the person is Harvard trained.
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  Speaker 1: Well, it does add credentials, It does add some bona
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  Speaker 1: fides to whatever it is that she's saying.
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  Speaker 2: So I said it was a University of Arkansas trained therapists,
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  Speaker 2: you wouldn't think.
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  Speaker 1: Of I love the University of Arkansas and I love
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  Speaker 1: the University of Georgia. But it doesn't have the same
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  Speaker 1: ring on.
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  Speaker 2: It's like saying I'm going to a Harvard football game
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  Speaker 2: this weekend. It doesn't have the same You're going to
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  Speaker 2: a Georgia football.
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  Speaker 3: It goes both ways. It goes both ways.
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  Speaker 1: There are certain there are certain things that universities might
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  Speaker 1: get more credit for than others, and Harvard would be
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  Speaker 1: probably yes, smarts, that's correct, right, So here are the
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  Speaker 1: eight questions.
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  Speaker 2: That Wait, what's the it's the what Eight.
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  Speaker 1: Things that couples who are emotionally secure talk about on
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  Speaker 1: a regular basis.
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  Speaker 2: Eight. If you're emotionally secure, this is.
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  Speaker 1: What you this and this is basically a guideline for relationships,
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  Speaker 1: like do you ask each other these questions?
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  Speaker 3: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Wow? Doctor Warrence starts with the first question to build
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  Speaker 1: emotional security.
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  Speaker 2: Wait a minute, can I ask you? Before we start?
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  Speaker 2: Do I ask you? Do we ask each other in
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  Speaker 2: the we're supposed.
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  Speaker 3: To be thinking about asking each other these questions?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, have we Is this something we have?
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  Speaker 3: I think I think in our own way of asking it. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: we do. Hit a couple of leaks, we know we do.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: The first one is they say life moves fast. Keeping
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  Speaker 1: track of each other's schedules can be tough. So the
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  Speaker 1: thing that you're supposed to ask your partner anything special today?
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  Speaker 1: Is there anything out of the ordinary happening today? Basically,
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  Speaker 1: you're asking your partner what's going on in your life
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  Speaker 1: today that I should know about?
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  Speaker 3: And you and I do this regularly.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So thing one you should be asking to connect
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  Speaker 2: with is just not just how was your day? But
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  Speaker 2: how is your day different from the day. I'm used
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  Speaker 2: to you having.
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  Speaker 1: Correct or yes, even when you're starting out the day,
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  Speaker 1: which I think you and I do this in the morning,
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  Speaker 1: you say, hey, anything going on?
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  Speaker 3: I should know about? Anything special happening? Okay, we do that,
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  Speaker 3: all right, we do do yes.
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  Speaker 1: Basically, what that's saying is you care about what's important
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  Speaker 1: to your part Oh. You're not just saying how is
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  Speaker 1: your day or how's your day? You're saying is there
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  Speaker 1: anything special happening today? Anything out of the ordinary happening today?
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  Speaker 1: Anything I need to know about today? So that just
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  Speaker 1: shows you care what's going on in your partner's life.
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  Speaker 3: So that's the first one.
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  Speaker 2: This mean you're laughing, all righty.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like you you think I'm gonna let you
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  Speaker 1: answer this. Here's the second question, and there's a couple
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  Speaker 1: of variations. How can I show my appreciation for you?
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  Speaker 1: Another question would be what would make you feel supported today?
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  Speaker 1: How could I make you feel appreciated right now? You
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  Speaker 1: even have a stank look on your face right now.
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  Speaker 1: That made me laugh.
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  Speaker 3: Because this is kind of about just showing.
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  Speaker 1: Showing something that you're willing to do that your partner
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  Speaker 1: needs or dreads or would like, like I don't you
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  Speaker 1: know she hates taking up the trash?
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  Speaker 2: Show me again?
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  Speaker 3: How can I show my appreciation for How can.
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  Speaker 2: I show my appreciation for you? If I if it
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  Speaker 2: at nine am, as we're working together in the morning,
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  Speaker 2: asked a sweetart How can I show my appreciation for you?
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  Speaker 1: You know what I would say, Just give me a
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  Speaker 1: smile and tell me you love me, which you do,
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  Speaker 1: so I haven't had to actually have you ask that question.
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  Speaker 2: Tell me the other things you could possibly ask them?
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  Speaker 3: What would make you feel supported?
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  Speaker 2: Hey? At nine am in the morning, I say, hey, baby,
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  Speaker 2: what would make you feel supported?
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  Speaker 3: Just you being sweet?
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  Speaker 2: Okay? What was the other thing?
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  Speaker 3: How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?
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  Speaker 2: How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?
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  Speaker 3: Scratch my back?
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  Speaker 2: I scratched you back, and I'm not doing it right now,
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  Speaker 2: so therefore I'm failing.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, I'm saying this is something that I
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  Speaker 1: think you and I do and it's unspoken.
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  Speaker 2: So we're doing well. Yeah, okay, So all right, number three,
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  Speaker 2: what do you got?
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  Speaker 3: Okay? I like this one? All right.
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  Speaker 1: So sometimes someone comes in, a partner comes in, and
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  Speaker 1: they're upset about something. I've had, something dramatic, traumatic upsetting
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  Speaker 1: happened to them.
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  Speaker 3: The question that they.
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  Speaker 1: Suggest, or that this doctor suggests you ask, is do
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  Speaker 1: you want my opinion?
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  Speaker 3: Or do you just want me to listen? Why is that?
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  Speaker 1: I knew you were gonna laugh at these I told
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  Speaker 1: you before we started, you are going to crack up
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  Speaker 1: at some of these questions.
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  Speaker 2: Joke.
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  Speaker 1: Oh. I think that's fair though, because a lot of
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  Speaker 1: women complain that that they're men want to fix things
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  Speaker 1: that they're always there to try, Oh my god, fix.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes we just want you to listen and support and commiserate.
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  Speaker 1: You're a devil's advocate kind of a guy, which you
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  Speaker 1: inspire critical thinking a lot of times. But the idea
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  Speaker 1: of you asking me do you want my opinion or
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  Speaker 1: you just want me to listen?
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  Speaker 3: That is funny.
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  Speaker 2: It's combative. It's combative men. If you're listening. I know
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  Speaker 2: most of our listeners here women do not ask your
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  Speaker 2: woman that question. Why because it comes off as you're
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  Speaker 2: being an asshole. All right, I can tell you the truth.
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  Speaker 2: Or do you want me to just pander to your feelings?
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  Speaker 2: That's how it comes off, and you in an emotional
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  Speaker 2: state Robes would take it as that. Do you want
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  Speaker 2: my opinion?
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  Speaker 1: Oh?
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  Speaker 2: You just want me to maybe.
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  Speaker 3: Phrasing it like that? Could the way you say it?
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  Speaker 2: Matten, No, phrase it the way you just phrase it.
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  Speaker 1: Here's a couple other phrases like they give you a
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  Speaker 1: different a couple of different ways of asking you. I
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  Speaker 1: hear you and I care. I know you love it
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  Speaker 1: when I say I hear you, I hear you, and
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  Speaker 1: I care. I have some observations if you'd like to
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  Speaker 1: hear them.
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  Speaker 2: Oh no, fellas, do not do any of this. This
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  Speaker 2: is danger zone. Don't do any of this. Please.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, here's another way you could ask it.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm listening.
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  Speaker 3: Can I offer some feedback or do you just want
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  Speaker 3: to vent right now?
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  Speaker 2: No? No, No, this is a harbor trained person.
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  Speaker 1: I can see some value in that, Like, hey, I
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  Speaker 1: know I know that you always say I'm mister fix it,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm not here to fix it.
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  Speaker 3: Do you do you want me to weigh in, or
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  Speaker 3: you just want me to listen.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, this is what we have to do. We have
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  Speaker 2: to read that moment and not put you all in
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  Speaker 2: the position to where because it makes you feel small,
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  Speaker 2: because we're saying.
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  Speaker 3: To fix all your problems. But if you don't want
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  Speaker 3: me to do I won't.
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  Speaker 2: I can do this for you, or you just want
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: me to listen to you complain.
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  Speaker 1: If you are coming from a place of trust and
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: self and like mutual respect, you could actually look at
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  Speaker 1: it as it being what it is. I do think
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  Speaker 1: that you should be able to read the room as
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  Speaker 1: to whether or not you should offer an opinion or not.
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  Speaker 2: None of those are in my bank. You should never
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  Speaker 2: ask that of your woman.
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  Speaker 1: The idea behind it, though, I appreciate, because the idea
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  Speaker 1: is not to just assume that you're there to swoop in.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes people, and like you've heard people say, I
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  Speaker 1: just want event, I don't need your opinion. Just please
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  Speaker 1: let me say what I'm feeling.
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  Speaker 2: What I'm saying. Let that person say that. You don't
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  Speaker 2: say to them do you want me to do this
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  Speaker 2: or you want me to do that, and then put
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  Speaker 2: me in the no robes you would never receive that. Well,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: if you were as hot as hell. You just came in.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: You had a difficult time with your girlfriends and you
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: just had a sum falling out and I said, okay,
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  Speaker 2: you want me to tell you what to do? Or
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: you just want me to sit here and listen?
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  Speaker 3: That is always say it like that?
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  Speaker 2: How do you phrase it? And the questions you just
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: reading what you kill what I'm saying to me?
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  Speaker 3: Do you want my opinion? Or do you just want
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: me to lift?
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  Speaker 2: Okay, Sweeart, that's say it again. How you just said it?
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Okay, you just said something like so before you just
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: said it. Do you want my opinion?
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  Speaker 3: Or do you just want me to listen? I can
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  Speaker 3: do both or either sweart or not.
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  Speaker 2: Never someone who is wildly emotional and you have to
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  Speaker 2: say do you want this or you want that? No,
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  Speaker 2: you all expect us to be able to read that
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  Speaker 2: moment and perform admirably. We just want support, So we
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: shouldn't ask you all you want me to do this?
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  Speaker 2: You want to do that?
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  Speaker 1: Well, maybe we could just add her ask like or
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  Speaker 1: maybe like make an addentist.
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  Speaker 3: I should just say okay.
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  Speaker 2: I number four? What's number four? Number four is getting killed.
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  Speaker 1: I actually have asked this to you and you get upset.
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  Speaker 1: But I appreciate when someone asks this to me, how
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  Speaker 1: can I help? You don't like it? I do like it,
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  Speaker 1: Like I like when you ask that.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, that's fair. I will concede that point to some
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  Speaker 2: others that do like that. No, I don't like it,
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  Speaker 2: And I say I don't like it because in the
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  Speaker 2: midst of my bad moment, of my pain, of me
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  Speaker 2: frankly not being myself, you having to stop me and
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  Speaker 2: say how am I supposed to assist you in assisting me?
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  Speaker 1: Is true, But I also think it's tough to expect
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  Speaker 1: your partner to breed your mind, like sometimes this is.
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  Speaker 2: Not a mind? No, how about this? You said how
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  Speaker 2: people say things? Yeah, you said read your mind? How
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  Speaker 2: about just know me? How about just trust?
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  Speaker 3: Well, what if you don't know what to do?
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  Speaker 2: Sweeart? No, no, no, how about just know me, love me,
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  Speaker 2: comfort me, support me. You keep saying know what to do,
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  Speaker 2: how to do it? No, no, no guidance, no, no, sweetheart,
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  Speaker 2: love me? That's it.
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  Speaker 1: But if you said, I would say no, my god,
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  Speaker 1: you could.
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  Speaker 3: You could just hold me, You could hug me. I could.
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  Speaker 1: I don't mind guiding you as to what would make
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  Speaker 1: me feel better in the moment.
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  Speaker 2: This is a disastrous episode. I don't know why you
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: said we should do this. It's awful. So being a
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: sitting right here, we're about.
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  Speaker 1: To woman thing seriously, because I do think that women
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  Speaker 1: appreciate a man who said, how could I help you?
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  Speaker 3: Like, oh my god, that's like music to my ears.
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  Speaker 3: But you feel very differently when you hear that.
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  Speaker 2: Again again me receiving it, yeah, versus I'm not knocking
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  Speaker 2: anybody else for asking it. Yeah, oh yeah, Okay, that's
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  Speaker 2: a good distinction.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, right right, yeah, yah, there's a difference. Okay, number five.
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  Speaker 2: We're only up to five where yes, oh eight, this
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  Speaker 2: is gonna be great.
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  Speaker 3: Five.
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  Speaker 1: Now you have said this to me, and it's a
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  Speaker 1: little nerve wracking, but I understand that there's a a
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: level of interest in wanting to go deeper that I appreciate.
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  Speaker 1: Can we make some time to talk, like you've absolutely said,
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  Speaker 1: like we need to talk, Like, can we find some
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  Speaker 1: time later today?
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  Speaker 3: Because you and I have some things we have to
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  Speaker 3: get out.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: And this is a good saying.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: This is a positive it's a positive thing.
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  Speaker 1: This is something that she suggests that you should be
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: saying to your partner on a regular basis, because too
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: many people sweep things under the rug, move on and
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: don't want to discuss because it's better now. Intention And yes,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: they say, it could be a twenty minutes after dinner,
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  Speaker 1: a walk on a Saturday morning during a low stress
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  Speaker 1: We do this, yes, and we do.
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  Speaker 3: We've taken moments like you take it.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: You know that when you are in a certain state,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: it's not good to have a further discussion about whatever.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: Set you off. So just to make the nod, like
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  Speaker 3: to acknowledge, we need to talk.
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  Speaker 2: Finally, finally, something good out of this.
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  Speaker 1: I don't I don't like that when my boss sends
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: me that I remember like when I had an employer,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: can can I call you?
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  Speaker 3: We need to talk?
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  Speaker 1: That would always like send me into a total spiral
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  Speaker 1: like what did I do wrong?
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  Speaker 2: Anybody any We've all gotten that message at some point.
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  Speaker 2: It freaks us out. But to your point, when things
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: aren't wrong, when things are calm, is when you should say, hey,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: let's go to spend. Yeah, I'm okay, I'm with.
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  Speaker 3: That all right.
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  Speaker 1: So now we've got three more questions that couples should
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  Speaker 1: be asking each other on a regular basis if you
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: want to be emotionally connected. When we come back, we
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: will go over those final three very important questions.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, sorry, we're back here on Amy See. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if you all heard any of that from the
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: commercial break, but we apologize if any of that infanity
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: came through. But welcome back here. Ropes is going over
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: the please. I don't know what the right way to
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: say the eight questions. You should be asking your.
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  Speaker 3: Partartner regularly if you want to be emotionally connected.
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  Speaker 1: And so this is what she suggests couples should be
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: asking each other if they want to have that strong connection.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Just the quick one through five for me again before
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  Speaker 2: we do the last three?
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  Speaker 3: Sure one through five?
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  Speaker 1: Anything special today? How can I show my appreciation for you?
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Do you want my opinion or do you just want
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: me to listen?
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: How can I help? Can we make some time to talk?
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: Okay? All right? So that's the number six, which ye.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: To number six.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: And this is something that you absolutely have asked in
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: different variations to me, and I will admit sometimes it
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable, but it leads to deeper conversations No,
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not somebody who necessarily obviously has has had success
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: being emotionally connected by going into these deeper conversations that
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I think you have pushed a lot of times in
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: to the forefront of our relationship, which I'm appreciative of
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: because it can be uncomfortable, but it leads to better understanding.
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: So number six is how do you think we're doing lately?
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: You absolutely ask variations that.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, I actually like that question. That makes sense to me.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Okayah with you, talking about the state of a relationship
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: can be tough because we don't always want to be vulnerable.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: We don't want to rehash arguments that one, but checking
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: in with your partner about their perception of your relationship
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: is important.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: That's just a basic check in that it can be uncomfortable.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I like that, that's a basic check in. I like
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: that's a good one. That should be at the top
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: of the list.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: And variations are is there anything that feels hard for
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: us right now?
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: What feels especially good between us right now? You could
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: go like just to.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Even just have what's working?
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: Yes, what's working between us right now? Let's have that conversation.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: What would you say, what's working.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I think our communication is working like so much better
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: than it has before.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: How many couples say that?
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: Not many accessible ones do. I think I feel like
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: we asked this every day, so.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I'm like, we've been on this one. Number seven, What
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: would be fun for us to do together?
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, thanks, we can skip the number eight. That's all
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: we do is talk about will could be fun?
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: So listen to this and this will make you feel better.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: She says.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: The healthiest relationships are grounded in play and shared joy
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: nailing it.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: We are the best ever.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: But we have never had a problem having fun together.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: We haven't, even if it's something I drag you two
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: or something you drag me too that we aren't initially individually.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: And yes, that's yeah, we're good there.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: So the suggestions are it can be anything from listening
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: to a new album together, taking a road trip, watching
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: the next season of a favorite TV show, cooking a
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: new recipe.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Together, all of that, all of it. So that's good.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: We do that, so I feel really good.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: That's probably our strongest question, the fun we nail every
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: every day.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: Okay, okay.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Number eight, what larger themes are you working through? And
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: the other variations that are what's been on your mind
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: a lot lately, or how do you feel like you've.
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: Changed over the past year.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: The point being that these are long term relationship questions
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: where you want to try to figure out and stay
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: on top of the different changes or phases in life
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: that your partner might be going through, because think about
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: how much you change in a year, and if you
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: don't really regularly check in five years, ten years, like
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you might not even know the
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: person you're sleeping in bed next to. So the point
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: being is you should be directly asking your partner what
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: they're grappling with, what internally they're working through that maybe
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: they haven't shared with you.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I haven't asked you that at all. Do you want
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: me to tell you? Want to tell me here now?
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Or we want to wait and talk about? Is that?
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: What larger themes are you? I think you do know
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: what larger things I'm working through. I do because we've
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: been working through them together. It's been about like self
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: worth and identity, and I think you go through different
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: phases in your life and I've been so focused, hyper
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: focused on our work and on being successful in our
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: careers and with everything that happened over the last three years.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: We absolutely had to reevaluate and realize where are where
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: our value and where our growth is and what we prioritize.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: I don't ask you that question, but it's an understanding
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: and there is a theme there that I guess given
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: our circumstance, we he Okay, we have addressed this without
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: having to do that, right.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: But you think about you think about like couples who
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: communicate them are like, wait, you think that or you've
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: been doing that. A lot of couples are completely disconnected, Yeah,
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: with a larger thing you're working through, or what phase
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: you're in right now, or what your long term goals are,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: not just from a professional standpoint, but from a personal
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: growth standpoint.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: So this actually made me.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I knew you were going to laugh at some of them,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: and the one that you laughed at the most was
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: the one I knew you were going, wasn't it.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: Do you want my opinion or do you just want
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: me to listen?
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: That's why?
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: And how can I help those two things we're going
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: to be.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Do you want to hear that from me in the
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: midst of your emotion that you talk about sometimes that.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: You know what I'm with you on this one, babe.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I do think like I'm just actually trying to really
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: put myself in that situation and I and I kind
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: of maybe this is unfair, But I just want you
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: to know. I want you to know whether or not
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: it's time to listen or time to weigh in. I
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: want you to know that already I do without having
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: to ask, right, that is what you have to know that.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I think that question shouldn't be on the list. I
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: think that question so I could be taken as offensive
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: or like patronizing.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: I'm not challenging this Harvard obviously, this Harvard professor at all,
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: but that is the one from experience, that is you
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: should understand. It can come off in such an awful
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: way and again not taking.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: It can be taken the wrong way.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: It can be taken easily. That's the one that could eat.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: It could be intended in the best of circumstances but
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: be received very different.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: But isn't it something you all want us to understand.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: You don't want us to have to ask, You don't
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: want to have to tell us what to do. You
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: don't want to us, you don't want to have to
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: explain to us why you're upset. You don't want to
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: have to explain to us why that thing we did
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: was the wrong thing to do, isn't is it?
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: Or it's like you're just bringing your problem from work.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: So you've got I say, I've got like some issue
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: with a I don't know somebody at work, and I
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: want to come in and tell you're like, my boss
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: did this to me. And I think this is universal.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I don't think this is a male female thing. I
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: don't think anybody wants that person to tell you what
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: to do. They just want to come You want you,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: like your partner, to commiserate like that.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: Must have been hard, that must have been tough. How
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: did you feel?
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And then yeah, FM, like you want someone on your side, right.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I do think that if any of us want advice,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: will ask for it.
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: And I think that's always just a good way. Wow,
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: if you want advice, you will ask for it.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: That's a good way to put it. And most of
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: the time, when this is a true thing from men
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: and women handle conflict differently. We engage in conflict differently,
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: whether it's somebody at the workplace or elsewhere your friend groups.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Men and women engage much differently we hear you all's
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: problems and we don't wait, what do you mean? Like
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: in our minds, we're like, this is the most ridiculous
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: thing I've ever heard. Yeah, just let that roll off
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: your back, say this, do this, do this, move here across,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: that's all. And so we are listening sometimes and in
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: our stupid male ways, it comes out of our mouth
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: that we're trying to tell you all. All you got
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: to do is this? All you got to do? Is this? Well?
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: Why want you do this? And why want you to
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: when all you all need to hear is yeah, I
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: can't believe that bitch that back. That's all y'all need exactly,
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: And we're the best boyfriend.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: We just want you to be on our side. Yes,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: all right, well we figured it all out, you know.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: We hope this helps, and we hope maybe it will
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: spark some conversations in your own home, even if you
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: want to see just how emotionally secure your relationship again,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I'll just roll it them off right now? Anything special today?
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: How can I show my appreciation for you? Do you
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: want my opinion or do you just want me to listen?
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: How can I help? Can can we make some time
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: to talk how do you think we're doing lately? What
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: would be fun for us to do together? What larger
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: themes are you working through? All right, give it a try, everybody,
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: and with that we always appreciate you listening to us.
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: I'm Amy Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes. We will talk to
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: you soon