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Creating Emotional Safety - In Relationships & During Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself, supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're never getting separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the war and tree people of the Kulman Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Deliberate.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is all about creating, cultivating emotional safety in relationships.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is important whether you're currently in a relationship that feels challenging or a bit sticky, whether you're separated, navigating divorce, or you're looking at life dating relationships afterwards.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship requires us to both know how to create emotional safety, to cultivate and create emotional safety for ourselves as individuals and for each other.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So emotional safety becomes one of the most important aspects of connection in any close relationship.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And here I'm going to talk predominantly about intimate partner relationships, but it's also important in other relationships, whoever they're with, friends, family.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional safety is important for connection.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: We need to feel safe before we're able to be vulnerable.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So emotional safety is when individuals feel secure enough to show up, to express their true selves, to bring all of themselves without judgment or criticism.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And as Brene Brown reminds us, vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But we need to feel safe before we can show up with vulnerability.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: To be vulnerable, we need to create emotional safety.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: We need to feel safe.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to create emotional safety for and within ourselves and also for the other people or person in the relationship.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So in today's episode, we're going to deep dive into the role of emotional safety in relationships in fostering trust and intimacy and overall well-being within relationships.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to note too that emotional safety isn't just essential for creating healthy relationships where we're free to be open and vulnerable and all the things, but also for navigating the inevitable conflicts that will come up, the inevitable conflict that will rise up in our relationships, so we can navigate that in healthy ways constructively and reconnect after disagreements.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Creating an emotionally safe relationship allows space for healthy conflict.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional safety really refers to us feeling secure enough in a relationship to be authentic and vulnerable, as I said earlier, without fear of judgment or criticism or hurt or harm.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It involves creating an environment where both individuals can freely express themselves, their thoughts, their feelings, their needs.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: They can bring it all knowing that they'll be respected and understood and heard and supported by the other person, by their partner in the container of the relationship.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So emotional safety then fosters trust, builds intimacy, mutual respect, and as I said, it's essential for healthy communication let's try that again, healthy communication, healthy conflict resolution, and just overall health and well-being of the relationship.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And while we can contribute to creating emotional safety for each other, it also comes from inside, from within.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's the knowing, it's the knowing of what we're feeling, the ability to identify our feelings and then allow ourselves to really feel them and ultimately take the risk in sharing them.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So for any close relationship to survive and grow, intimate partnerships, friendships, there has to be a shared sense of emotional safety.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So how?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: How do we what do we need to create emotionally safe relationships?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: It really starts with regulation, self-regulation.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: When partners can regulate their own emotional state, can regulate their own nervous system, it creates stability and a strong message of safety is communicated to the other person.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you are unregulated, dysregulated, flying off the handle, it is not an emotionally safe space for the other person to be vulnerable.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So regulating your own emotions, regulating your own nervous system is key.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: It is crucial.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So self-soothing, self-regulation techniques, whatever works for you, learn them and know how to implement and utilize them.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Develop the ability to self-soothe, particularly during moments of emotional intensity, activation, or triggering.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Develop your practices that can help you regulate your nervous system and that can contribute to creating an emotionally safe, stable environment, container for the relationship to sit in.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also important are things like being an active listener, curiosity, validation, empathy, compassion, respecting boundaries, practicing transparency, holding ourselves accountable, all those things.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll talk a bit more about each one of those.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, empathy is really, really important in creating an emotionally safe space, an emotionally safe relationship.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be able to demonstrate empathy toward our partner's feelings and to show you know appreciation when they are vulnerable and when they are open.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, thank you for sharing that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate that.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and just empathy, particularly in moments of high emotion, if they're bringing something that's challenging or um activating for you, or they're upset about something, even something outside of the relationship, showing empathy is a really powerful way of developing emotionally safe, an emotionally safe container for the relationship to sit in.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ownership, apologizing and and making good when we mess up is also important because it's not going to be perfect, right?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna hurt feelings, you're gonna say and do things that create hurt or harm.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So take ownership and apologize when your actions have caused hurt or or harm, or you know, you've not acted in alignment with the values of the relationship.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: We all mess up.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So apologize, make good and repair.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to talk about this in another episode on a deeper level.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just touch on it here, and that is you know, the power of apology to build emotional safety in a relationship cannot be underestimated.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Also, leading with curiosity, being open, having an open mindset, shifting from that right-wrong, you-me mindset to one of cooperation, collaboration, you're on the same side.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I spoke about that in a previous episode, that it's a powerful indicator that you should stay together if um if you're asking questions about your relationship, that if you're on the same side and you and you're on the same team.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So having that team, team-based sort of mindset and also leading with curiosity, um, being curious about what your partner's bringing, you know, asking open-ended questions, exploring their thoughts and their feelings with curiosity rather than judgment or blame or finger pointing or being triggered yourself.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, focusing on self-awareness and curiosity towards your own thoughts and feelings as well as your partner's helps cultivate emotional safety within the relationship.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Also, assuming good intentions.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Assume your partner has good intentions and expect them to respond and behave positively.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, open heart, open mind.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: When we're triggered or activated or dysregulated, and a nervous system is dysregulated, we tend to jump to conclusion, we jump to the worst case scenario, and we really focus in on that negativity bias.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if you pull yourself out of that and really be curious and assume good intentions, assume your partner is doing their best for you for the relationship rather than judging, that helps foster emotional safety within your relationship.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: We also need effective, healthy communication strategies.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things like active listening, listening with curiosity and the intent to understand, listening to hear, not just waiting for your next opportunity to speak.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, reflecting back what you've heard to confirm that you've understood what your partner said, that helps strengthen connection and builds emotional safety into the relationship.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And validation, you know, using validation, validating your partner's feelings or thoughts or opinions, even if you don't necessarily agree, acknowledge their emotions, their thoughts, their opinions, their words as valid and important.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, even if you don't necessarily agree, you don't have to agree to validate, you don't have to agree to make your partner feel seen and heard.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, ask for what you need, absolutely.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Be clear on what your needs are, on what you need, and open to asking for it, asking that your needs be met and expecting them to be met.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And also openly ask, directly ask about your partner's needs.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: What makes them feel safe and what makes them feel unsafe?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: What are their triggers?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's important to them?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Also asking during those challenging moments when things start to get a bit sticky or heated, asking of yourself, what do I need right now?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling X, Y, Z, I'm feeling activated.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need right now?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do that for your partner too, or the other person in the relationship.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need from me right now?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or what do you need right now?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: If the things I'm talking about in this podcast episode are resonating with you and you want to explore deeper support with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can also sign up for the wait list for my group coaching program, Decide and Thrive, so you will be first to know when I next launch that program.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you already know what helps make them feel safe or safer, you can ask more specifically, do you need some space right now or would you like a hug from me?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to see when our partner is activated, triggered is really important, and then stepping in to try and bring them back down or create a space for them to be able to self-regulate means you are creating an emotionally safe space for them.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: They can trust that you will be there for them and you will give them the time, the space, whatever they need to be able to self-soothe, regulate, bring themselves back down and then re-engage.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You are a safe space for them.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: You are an emotionally safe space for them.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowing them to be whatever they need to be and to be vulnerable, and that for that breeds on itself.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important when opening conversations, particularly one that you think might be activating, might be triggering.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to use what Gottman describes as a soft startup.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Gottman talks about a soft startup being crucial to engaging in an emotionally safe way, especially in those challenging conversations.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So soften your approach, soften your tone, soften your expression, even soften your posture to create a comfortable, safe space for your partner.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Choose your time.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, part of startup, soft startup is actively choosing the time for having a difficult or challenging conversation.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: But once we soften and we start these conversations in a soft way, it invites relaxation and regulation in the other person's nervous system so that they can feel safe to be open, to be vulnerable with you and to engage in the conversation rather than being activated and triggered.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you know you're bringing up a topic that is likely to create some emotional response in your partner, it's one of those tricky, challenging conversations that you need to have.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Approach softly, create a safe space to that allows them to step in rather than shut down or fire up.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the flip side of that, of course, is that your partner or the person that you're engaging with also needs to do this with and for you.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: They need to start softly when they're initiating conversation and also respond softly.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Respond from a soft space rather than a prickly activated space, which goes back to being able to self-regulate, regulate your nervous system, dial down your emotional response, right?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important for us all to watch our own responses, to notice, to be mindful, to be in our body and feel what we're feeling so that we can know when we're activated, know when we're triggered.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling activated, if you're feeling triggered, identify it early.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: So start watching what happens in your body when you are emotionally triggered, activated.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait until it's a full-blown flooding event.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Start to catch those early signs.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your own responses, notice what's happening in your body, and then try and dial it down.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Try and dial it down.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Identify the feelings or the needs or the fears underneath the reaction that you're having.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Again, ask yourself, what do I need right now?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And also what's underneath this feeling?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath what I'm feeling in my body?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And where and with whom have I felt this before?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: But start to recognize the early signs that you are being activated or triggered and learn ways to dial that down so that you don't tip into a full-blown fight, flight, freeze, fawn response, or what we call in Gottman a flood flooding.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to stay present.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: So practice staying present in challenging moments, challenging or activating conversations.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Slow your breathing down.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Stay in your body to prevent that emotional escalation.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't be tempted to be pulled out of where you are, even if it is a really hard, challenging conversation.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Resist that urge to spiral off into the future, or to drop back into the past, you know, or what happened when you always here we go again, that kind of thinking, even speaking it out loud, or the future tripping, you know, what you think might happen if you're worried about the what's happening next and next.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just be where your feet are, be where you are, stay present.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really helpful to simply pause before responding.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Intentionally pause before responding.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just take a moment, allow what you've heard to sink in and settle, turn it over in your mind, and then respond.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, hand on heart, guilty here.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I fire off a response or a reaction at times to what I think I heard, and perhaps haven't even really heard it.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that I work on I've worked really hard on personally, to pause before responding.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even just take a breath, allow it to settle, allow your thoughts to settle, and then allow the thoughts to come out as words.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if one or both of you does become flooded, does become so reactive and responsive that a calm conversation cannot be had, choose a timeout.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Take some space.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you're overwhelmed, request that pause, hit the pause button in a healthy way.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting, you know, screaming, yelling, storming off, slamming doors.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um again, I'm gonna talk a bit more about this in an upcoming episode, but even have a code word or a phrase that one each of you can use.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm activated, I'm triggered, I need a pause here.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can we revisit this?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Take the time out, and when you take the time out, use it to get quiet with yourself.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do something to distract yourself and bring your nervous system back down.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: But once you've done that, being quiet with yourself, being with yourself can help.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it can help for that conversation, but also just more broadly in being able to create emotional safety.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think I said at the very beginning of this episode, we need to be able to create emotional safety within and for ourselves as well as in the context of relationship.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, exploring the inner world, spending some time in quiet solitude, decompressing, reflecting, filling up your own carp and knowing how to regulate your own nervous system, however that looks for you.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: It might be exercise, it might be breathing techniques, it might be just getting out in nature or into water, meditating, grounding, not whatever it is.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Know what works for you to help you maintain your own sense of emotional well-being and emotional safety.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of key points, final points about creating emotional safety within relationships.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to share.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy boundaries are really important.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy boundaries for ourselves and respect of each other's boundaries.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: So this might include giving space when it's needed, allowing autonomy, you know, not swamping or smothering the other person, communicating respectfully, um, physical, emotional, sexual boundaries, they're all respected, you know.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional boundaries where each partner communicates their emotional needs and limits, and these are honored by each of you.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can support each other without trying to fix or invalidate each other's emotions.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: You respect each other's preferences regarding how you spend your time and with whom.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's also respect for each other's right to autonomy and privacy, and this is really crucial for an emotionally safe relationship.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything needs to be shared fully, and for just you know, just as an example, your phone, your private space, if that's one of your boundaries, that your phone is your phone and no one else has access to it, then that needs to be respected by your partner.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not meaning secrecy.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's a real difference between secrecy and privacy, but there needs to be some degree of privacy for an emotionally safe relationship to be cultivated.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: There also needs to be transparency.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're both open and honest about your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this builds trust and it reassures your partner that they can rely on us for openness, honesty, transparency, and that you are your word, right?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: You do what you say you will do, you act in accordance with your own values and also with the jointly held values of the relationship, but you do what you say you will do, you are trustworthy as well as trust in.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you trust, but you're also trustworthy, and there's accountability and follow-through.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: You both hold yourselves in or conduct yourselves, I guess, in a caring and loving way towards the other person, and you're accountable for your actions and your promises.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you do what you say you will do, you are your word, and you trust each other to be there, but you also trust the other person to treat you well, kindly, with care and respect, and you take radical personal responsibility for your part, for your part of the relationship, for what's in your side of the street, right?
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you treat your partner with care, kindness, and compassion.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I could probably talk about this all day.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many components to creating an emotionally safe relationship or creating emotional safety in relationships.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: But it requires a conscious choice, a commitment from both of you, self-awareness, nervous system regulation, and healthy open communication to create an emotional, safe, emotionally safe space.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Emotionally safe relationships also enable you, empower you to manage conflict in constructive and healthy ways, reconnect and build trust repair after disagreements.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And every relationship, every healthy relationship is going to hit the points of conflict.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can navigate your way through conflict in healthy ways, it's a really strong indicator that the relationship has legs.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that wherever you are on your relationship journey, you've found some tips in this episode to help you build a more emotionally safe relationship, whether it be with your current partner or someone in the future, or even just with yourself.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you spending time with me.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: If there's somebody that you know who would benefit from listening to this episode, maybe even your partner, please, please share it with them.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Harton, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.