Latest / Harder Than Life / How She Came Back From Her Darkest Moment | Tanya C. Oliver

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How She Came Back From Her Darkest Moment | Tanya C. Oliver · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
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• 0:30
  You just triggered me. Why is it so hard to be alone and own your . It does suck. Sometimes we don't see that we're the problem because it's easier to get the dopamine hit of getting into something new because this is the only way I've known to get massive shiznit done. But you know what sucks more is repeating the pattern. Repeating it. Yeah, I hear you, man. I am having a lot of tough conversations with God. Like, I've had enough.
• 0:59
  I was imprisoned. I felt like a prisoner to my inner world. I just knew that I needed help. When you do the work, the cravings still exist. And will tempt you. And they're gonna make sure that you test and say, okay, he's gotta say no to this. Addiction comes in many different ways. Were you addicted to betraying yourself?
• 1:23
  It was harder for me to forgive myself for my choices than it was to forgive somebody else. The only way we can really heal our mind is through healing the heart. If I can so easily forgive you, but I can't forgive me, that means I don't trust myself. And then it makes you angry. And I get really angry. You got to be honest that I'm the problem. Therefore, I can also be the solution.
• 1:46
  What if the reason your business is stuck has nothing to do with your business? My guest today went from addiction, suicidal thoughts, 60 pounds overweight, and zero support system to coaching some of the highest performing entrepreneurs and CEOs in the country. Tanya, welcome to Harder Than Life.
• 2:05
  Welcome back to the Heart of Life podcast, the fast growing Heart of Life podcast. And I wanna say thank you to all the new subscribers on YouTube. Thank you, thank you. We notice, I know you just heard back to back advertisements to please smash subscribe, I'm gonna ask you to do that again. Today's show is going to be a doozy. We're gonna review her book, Building the New, and I read it and it was triggering and hard and I'm in a very hard time right now in my life. And we just did a prayer and I just started crying and,
• 2:34
  releasing and I'm in the middle of this work and you all need to hear this and I'm going to try my best to keep my stuff together but you're going to get real raw authentic welcome to the show my dear thank you so much for having me you're the female version of me and this book building the new
• 2:53
  I've done every single piece of it. And it took me a long time to read it, and I read fast because it was so triggering. It was, this is this work, this is harder than life. So for the people who haven't read it, the listeners, you said you came from a space of addiction, suicidal thoughts, and heavy anxiety. What was the moment you knew something had to change?
• 3:17
  I was imprisoned. I felt like a prisoner to my inner world. I was always honest, I think, playing sports. I played nine years of competitive ice hockey. And I do believe sports shape us subconsciously. They create a lot of things about resiliency and grit.
• 3:36
  And addictions run in my bloodline, but nothing was ever talked about. It was a secrecy. Today in age, because I'm an 84 baby. So today in age, you know, people are more vocal about what they talk about and it's not tabooed.
• 3:52
  I think they talk a little bit too much. I just shared everything with you. A little, well, a little too much without having a framework of structure and the right support from safe people, right, of allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And...
• 4:11
  I knew I needed help, but I didn't know because I never saw anybody in my family ask for help. We were just taught to suck it up. Crying is for babies. And emotional availability wasn't even heard of in my family. And so, I mean, even as a female, right, I just knew that –
• 4:34
  I needed help. And I asked a few people for help, and nobody knew how to help me. And I had made a promise to God. I was 22, actually, have a Jesus fish on my ring finger, that if God helped me out of it, because I didn't know, no human knew how to help me at the moment in the people closest to me. I feel that right now.
• 4:55
  There's a difference is people might be willing to help you, but they don't have the capacity to help you, especially when you have such a strong personality. And so I had surrendered to God at 22, and I had made a promise that if he helped me that I would help others. I wasn't super faithful to him. I strayed away after that, but he helped me in that first season of my life. I'm going to tread very lightly on this.
• 5:26
  When people believe that there's no other option, that's what causes suicidal thoughts. 100%.
• 5:38
  I want people to know that you matter. There are people that care. And I'm going to go right into the deepest. So would you talk about that and what you were feeling and what you did to get out of it in case there's anybody? And I know we're getting deep real fast, guys. But I'm there right now. I'm not there personally. I know there's an out. If I'm breathing, I'm going to win. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to win.
• 6:06
  Yeah. Knowing what I know, it is a demonic spirit. It's a demonic entity. There is something called deliverance work for people because for me, and I know this, I can see this in you for the short amount of time that we've known each other, is that I'm a truth seeker and a freedom seeker.
• 6:25
  And I know that's the case for you. And when you are in the depth of seeking the truth, you will go to all ends. And if we're talking about suicide, for people to understand, since I love the realness of your podcast, the rawness of it, it is also a demonic spirit that can take part in our heart when our hearts become hardened based on the tormentation of life and that.
• 6:50
  Um, so to know there is a word called deliverance. I was suicidal two times in life. One was in 2000, like earlier on around like my early twenties. And then the other one was in 2001 from the beginning of what inspired the book.
• 7:08
  So the first time is I did a, I just thought about the possibility, which I said, you know, that there's such a depth in playing sports where something in my mind says, well, what if I just did another day? What if I just did another day? What's, what could, what, the curiosity of what's on the other side of this
• 7:33
  is what prevented me from actually doing it. Because I had thoughts. The second time around in 21 was I really was like, I don't want to be here anymore.
• 7:42
  Like, I don't want to be here anymore. So the second time being suicidal, which was the start of the story where I was in love, but it was an addictive type of love. I was addicted to him. It was right during COVID. So I think everybody was at a really low point. And I didn't realize that he was just...
• 8:04
  a psychopath, total psychopath. His job was manipulation and I was the business. And so were many other women. So I was swindled at $300,000 during that time. I was at the high, like really hustling, you know, doing my work and he died in an accident. And I was so humiliated and embarrassed when I understood the truth. I was so caught up. That's the thing is when we're so caught up in the busyness and we don't have moments of stillness,
• 8:33
  And we keep gaslighting ourself and we're more loyal to somebody else than we are to ourself. It it creates all the things that compound into how did I get here? So it compounds like the everyday compounds. But we're like, no, it's not a big deal. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm like.
• 8:53
  being too much or I'm thinking too much of it. And your nervous system is telling you otherwise. So he died. I find out all these true things. There's no money. He blew all the money and drugs and all this other stuff. No idea he was an addict because my nervous system from the beginning was addicted to that type of love. And I was like so humiliated. You know, I'm working with seven-figure serial entrepreneurs as their performance coach. And I'm like, wow, what a –
• 9:23
  What a humiliation. I'm a clown. People are going to look at me like I'm such a joke, that I'm such a fraud. Remember, I'm a truth seeker, and I always want to do the right thing. So to be exposed on you just present all this stuff, but you don't practice it?
• 9:41
  who are you? And these are the voices in my head, and I'm like, you know what, it's better out just to go. I was, remember one time, now I'm getting emotional, but I remember I'm in the shower, because I'm putting on a face all day long, pretending there's nothing wrong with me.
• 9:57
  And I'm being in the shower to that moment. You know, I'm thinking about my plot of what I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it. I was curled up in a ball, just like hysterical, hyperventilating. I was having panic attacks. I couldn't sleep, night terrors. And I heard God's voice. And I wasn't obedient to him. I was 22 years later. I was like, whatever, I'm good. I got it, God. Me, me, me, me, me. I got it.
• 10:22
  straight away. And then I'm in the shower, like rolled into a ball. And I heard God's voice is like, give it to me. And I felt a comforter of peace wrapped around me. And that's the presence of the Holy Spirit. Because the thing is, is when you accept Jesus into your heart, you're still his. But he also gives us the power of free will to stray away.
• 10:45
  When I look at this and I look at, I think of addiction and suicidal thoughts and anxiety. And I'm in the middle of a tough time. And I don't have any suicidal thoughts. I don't have any addiction anymore. But I think of the listeners. I think of the guy who's in a marriage and everything is heavy. And he's probably having a few pops. That's error number one.
• 11:10
  Error number two, and you touched on it, I'm just going to re-highlight it, is we go to our friends. And even the good friends, most of our friends want to keep us the way we were. And what I've noticed this time around when I'm in the mud, I've reached out to.
• 11:29
  I can name drop. They're famous people that have been on a podcast. And I've had a crazy support system this time. And it made me feel good. I got different perspectives of everything. So don't go back to your same friend group where you got sick. You can't heal there.
• 11:47
  You know, I'm thinking of someone in my head right now that has two, their best friends are exactly the way they are. And it's like, of course, they're going to tell you everything is great. If you want to level up a no drinking, no drugs. You said it. Yeah. Be alone. And then seek out people that have been through what you and that's why it's so touching that you've been here. Seek moments of stillness, but also it's a strength.
• 12:14
  As you mentioned, it's a strength because when I went through it the second time, I hired two coaches that were capable and willing to support me in the dark. There are people that can help you in the lowest of your moments. And I already knew who they were. And all my other friends, all I told them because I positioned everybody.
• 12:37
  And some people I just, like my one French, we were workout putties. Because I was still working out every day, even with massive anxiety. I was listening to work. Was that the only time you were relaxed? Relaxed? I was never relaxed. That's the only time that I feel relaxed.
• 12:55
  At peace or at home right now is what I'm working on. That's it. The rest of the day is straight anxiety. Yeah. All day, every day. No, that wasn't even that was anxiety for me, too. Oh, man. Yeah. But I still. Shoot me at that point. After the workout, it calmed down. So there's an I had intensity levels of it as I was in my head.
• 13:17
  Remember because I say take every thought captive or the NLP. I was literally like I'm getting stronger every day. I'm getting better. Like I had to – it was a workout even to speak life into myself. So we talk a lot about life happens for you and not to you. I say it all the time because I can look back.
• 13:35
  and see every bad thing that I thought was bad actually work out for me. This situation I'm going through right now, I've already been through it four times. And what I had to learn this time was I have a pattern. We all have a pattern. And I ignored that pattern even though I thought I was very healed. And when you do that, what you don't repair repeats. But talk to you about how that little reframe worked
• 14:04
  so well for you and instead of just sounding like a little cliche. Yeah. Well, the memory that got brought up as you're saying this is when I was in my healing process and called it consecration.
• 14:18
  And I've been single for four years since that, but now my heart is open and receptive to my future husband and I trust God's timing. So, but it was four years of consecration and just lots of working, same thing. I was like, I'm the problem. And in the book I write that, there was a space where I had to be honest that I'm the problem, therefore I can also be the solution.
• 14:43
  And that freed me in that moment. And the memory that I had, I'm gonna share this, is I was doing, I was working with one of my coaches and I was in a trance and I was in a theta brainwave at the moment and we're really digging deep into the subconscious and I had a vision of him and we're like holding hands like this
• 15:02
  And I, there's this hokopono prayer where it says, thank you, I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me. And when I said that prayer, because I was saying it,
• 15:17
  And I said, because I couldn't forgive. I couldn't forgive. I remember you talked about the demonic entities come to us because of a hardened heart. So to free our mind, we have to heal our heart. And we have fragmentations that can happen when we want to abandon ourself in those memories that we were so mad at ourself for making those decisions and betraying ourself. And I had to forgive myself and I had to go back to that moment in time in 2022.
• 15:42
  when I went against every single thing in my body that told me hard stop no, big red flag, big red stop sign. And I said, I love you. Thank you to him. And I had to say to me, I'm sorry. I forgive you.
• 16:00
  And then I had to go back, collect myself when I had abandoned myself years ago and go back and tell her and say, please forgive me. I'm sorry. I love you. Thank you. And bring her back to me. The version that I gave away to somebody else and I had betrayed, I had to take her back and bring her back. And that's soul wound healing and collecting back those fragmented pieces of ourself.
• 16:26
  You said a couple things that hit home for me because I'm going through it right now, and it was being alone. You've been alone for four years. That's amazing. Most people just jump right back in. And then the second thing is just looking at yourself and owning it, and most people won't do that. Why? Why is it so hard to be alone and own your shit? Well, I can say from experience...
• 16:55
  Yeah, I've been there. Both sides is that sometimes we don't see that we're the problem and we think that we can mask it because it's easier to have the high, the dopamine hit of getting into something new than actually sitting in the moment of darkness to really go to the depth of,
• 17:22
  Of where we need to really truly resolve. You know, you just triggered me. You know why? Because it sucks. Yeah, it does suck. I'm in the middle of the road. I hate it. It sucks really bad. But you know what sucks more? Is repeating the pattern. Yeah, I hear you, Amanda. I've heard this a thousand times. Wherever you go, you take you with you. Mm-hmm.
• 17:47
  I like my core self, but I don't like this false guy that I made up to survive the terrible childhood I grew up. Yeah. I'm having a lot of tough conversations with God. Like, I've had enough. I don't know what more you got to teach me. I mean, we want to build this podcast at the top of the world, so I guess there's more for me to learn.
• 18:10
  If I may share a quick revelation that I had about two years ago. Hmm. Do. I almost got back in the pattern. Oh. You know what? That happens too, by the way. When you do the work...
• 18:23
  The devil will show up. The craving still exists. And will tempt you. And they're going to make sure that you test and say, okay, he's got to say no to this. Matthew McConaughey writes about in his book how he didn't want to do rom-coms anymore. He said, you get these green lights, green lights, green lights, and sometimes you just got to stop at the red light and wait for it to turn green. They're called counterfeits. Yep. How do you know if they're a counterfeit or not?
• 18:49
  So I almost had a relapse because the thing about addiction is it processes into different compartments of your life. And people don't talk about this stuff. There's layers of addiction. It can be an emotional addiction. It isn't always – substance is like the end part of the root of it, right? So there's a key thing within the addiction of how it serves us. And identifying a default behavioral pattern when we're –
• 19:18
  dysregulated and that could be lonely for too long which could be boredom or not wanting to deal with ourself could lead to behavioral patterns that lead to the way that we make decisions and then somebody comes along your quote-unquote type counterfeits and I almost got in that little trap
• 19:39
  And it was hard. But what I did, I had to sit in my stillness. I called them timeouts. I was like, about to go there, Tanya. You need a timeout. Like, you know, when athletes are playing really bad, coach calls a timeout. We got to call that on ourself. Because that separates impulsiveness from, like, how we make decisions. So it creates a space. A space to just see things. And I was doing a meditational practice. And.
• 20:07
  And I asked God to come into this and help me like not do this again. Because we know.
• 20:13
  You just know. It's the part about, like I said, you got to be honest. And we want to be self-aware, but you can't be aware of what you're not willing to be wholeheartedly honest about. And so as I'm in this meditational practice, it's literally God gave me the vision. And I always see this little prayer every day. God, give me your eyes so I can see beyond my limited vision. Give me your ears so I can hear beyond my ego. And give me your voice so I can speak truth
• 20:40
  and life into myself and I have the capacity to do that for others. Super simple, very powerful. And I'm sitting there in my meditation and I saw myself and then that guy and I saw two children and I saw my little self at six years old and I saw his at six years old. And what I saw was somebody who was a predator because I knew he was a predator.
• 21:05
  And not in the way that we think, just somebody that could be maybe manipulative. Just want to have something clear. When you say relapse, did you relapse with the guy or relapse in drinking and drugs? With the pattern of men. Oh, a pattern of men. It's a relapse. It's no coincidence you're here today. We needed to hear this. That's what I'm saying. Addiction comes in many different ways. Were you addicted to betraying yourself? That could possibly be an answer. I didn't think about that before.
• 21:33
  We're getting somewhere here. Something to think about for the audience. Let me finish the story real fast. I think I was asking myself that question because, yeah. Well, that can also be if we're talking about behavioral aspects and subconscious. So as babies, and I'll cycle back to what I was finishing with the story, is in the womb, our nervous system is developed.
• 21:54
  based on the mother's nervous system. So up until three years old, your nervous system is completely functional or quote unquote, most people dysfunctional based on the mother's nervous system because you are completely codependent up until three years old on your mother's nervous system. And this is where they talk about breaking generational curses. So we have to literally reprogram the nervous system
• 22:19
  And I've worked with psychologists and stuff like that. And people are like, no, it's not a way. But with God, there's always a way. And what God revealed to me is that the only way you could get a brand new nervous system is through complete healing and transformation of the heart. Everybody's talking about the brain. The brain impacts the nervous system. But the brain is also triggered by the heart. Okay, so let me get back to the story real fast. Let me finish this off for the audience.
• 22:44
  So I'm sitting in meditation. I see a little girl. I see a little boy. And when you're getting into a relationship with friends and somebody else, you have to realize and understand what version of that person is coming to you in specific moments of being triggered. It could be like if I'm talking to you, I see something that triggers you. It could have triggered you at five years old. And then you're coming at me at a very wounded, defeated five-year-old. So I have to recognize that and hold space to know who I'm really talking to.
• 23:11
  And that's just part of growing and understanding as we cultivate friendships. And this is intimacy. You can have intimacy without having to be sexual. There's a difference. So when I'm sitting here, I'm seeing like, wow, I'm taking on his little child and I'm giving him mine. But I don't trust him as an adult to go watch my little girl.
• 23:35
  Like this would be an abuser. So something in my mind had healed in that moment to know if I am responsible for my inner child, who am I allowing to hand her over to her? Am I gonna hand her over to a sex predator? Am I gonna hand her over to a verbally and physically abusive person? Or am I actually going to be responsible as a conscious adult that I am
• 24:02
  to have her trust me because the thing is is i didn't trust myself because of my patterns that is the key right there you don't trust yourself and people go what do you mean by that that's why you need to take i call it the sacred pause when something is right or not right just take a pause to be able to reset yourself and then you can feel if it's not for you
• 24:32
  Yeah, because your body is your subconscious. But you said it about the heart. Take me back to the heart now. Because I'm reading a book about this. It's Mark Groves' book and his girlfriend. And he said that there's different parts. And I've been in a lot of ceremonies where they say, the body, the body, the body. It's not the mind. It's the body.
• 24:53
  I'm all in my head right now. So what do they mean by it's the body? Yeah. Explain that. Yeah. Years ago, I mean, like I said, I've always sought the truth. And the business that I've built has been because I've had to take pieces of things in my own personal journey to figure out how to free myself.
• 25:14
  Because I didn't want to be a prisoner to my circumstances. I didn't want to work really hard and be a prisoner to life. I wanted to know what is the truth and how do I experience freedom? And my heart, my mind, and my nervous system, my entire body.
• 25:29
  And I've done work, went the path of 10 years of yoga. I did the path of the whole drugs and alcohol thing. I've done the path of work with dispensa stuff and neuroscience and this and that. And recently, the last year, as I've been really maturing my walk,
• 25:53
  as a Christian is a relationship, not a religion. And years ago too, I started studying a lot about heart math. Have you ever heard of heart math before? And I didn't understand that the only way we can really heal our mind is through healing the heart. There's a movie I watched years ago when it first came out called The Power of the Heart. It was on Gaia.
• 26:19
  The only thing about the heart is really about forgiveness, not from the mind, I forgive, I forgive, but really feeling and feeling the settling in, as I mentioned, of going back and even forgiving myself. It was harder for me to forgive myself for my choices than it was to forgive somebody else. So easy to forgive other people. So easy. That's where you lose the trust in yourself, in my opinion. It's if I can so easily forgive you, but I can't forgive me, that means I don't trust myself.
• 26:48
  And then it makes you angry. And I get really angry. Yeah. So it triggers all these other emotions. Emotions are stored in the heart. That's why they say, guard your heart, but also know your heart can deceit you. Well, I just thought that when I get angry too, then I act. And usually the act is very visceral and violent. Not a violent to hurt anybody, but just...
• 27:10
  That's how I built my company. So it can be very productive. So here's the thing I'm talking about you about addiction. Anger serves me because this is the only way I've known to get massive shiznit done. That's good stuff. But let's go into that a little deeper. So how much of an entrepreneur's problems are a business problem versus a self problem?
• 27:37
  Well, business is an extension of you. You're a human being before you're a human doer. And so it all comes back. You have to look at everything as like...
• 27:46
  macro and come back, like I said, I've always needed to understand where's the core root of something. That's just always been my mind. Like what is like the core of all this? Because then I kind of look at it as like, you know, the Jenga game. And then once you get to the bottom, it's like everything collapses. It's the same concept with our life. When we get to the core, we are the core.
• 28:08
  it impacts every other aspect of our life. And life is just not business and money. That's why we see so many people miserable and suicidal. And I work with a lot of those people sometimes. Or you can have all these checkboxes and internally you still feel the same way before you even went to go build it, if not worse. You just described me to a T and I literally, I built my company.
• 28:37
  on a false foundation, and now I'm ripping it all down and building it back on a better foundation? And what do you know? The podcast is...
• 28:47
  is growing fast. The IT, AI company is growing fast. And all it took is me looking in. So I would tell everybody the secret to a better business is a better you. Yeah, because you're the foundation. I want you to explain the difference between suppressing an emotion and mastering it. Because I was the king of suppressing emotions. If I felt something, I pushed it down, watered it down with alcohol, and powered through it. And that didn't work.
• 29:15
  Not even a little bit. Now, people are going to look at me on the outside, oh, he's got multiple houses, boats. It worked. No, it didn't. I'm sitting here telling you as a man in the mud right now, I'd give all of that up to feel better in my heart right now. It goes back cycling to the very beginning of our conversation when we had said everything compounds. Because in the moment...
• 29:41
  It feels good because I don't have – think about it. What is – you have to hear the voices in your head. No, I don't want to hear them. Well, the voice in the head because I still hear it sometimes says, I don't want to deal with this right now. It's like I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'll deal with it later. I'll deal with it later. I'll deal with it later. I'll deal with it later.
• 30:01
  because it's painful. And if you don't have, this comes down to having tools. Majority of people, they're only tools. So what you're talking about, so we're not like over, like, you know, making things sound super crazy, or super intense, because people have addiction, they're like, oh my gosh, intense. And I worked in outpatient centers, is once I've understood they're just tools
• 30:25
  that create destruction versus that become liability to ourselves and others and our businesses. We just need new tools.
• 30:35
  Sounds so easy. It's simple, but not easy. I need a new heart. How do you coach a CEO who's calm in the boardroom, but falling apart at home? You know what? Let's be specific. How would you coach me? I'm not falling apart, but I don't feel good right now. How would you coach? For the people who are, what would you address first? What?
• 30:56
  Well, number one, you have to find somebody you feel safe with. Somebody that you can be vulnerable and receptive with, that you can come to knowing that you can trust. So I'm not for everybody. Some men want to work with men. You and I had that conversation. And some men feel more receptive to women. It just depends. Women can trigger men. Men can trigger men. So step one, even for me, because I have a very strong personality, people are like, oh, okay, no problem. We had no idea.
• 31:25
  Like, yeah, because I'm healed. I'm whole. I know my identity. I know my worth. Okay, you just... How'd you get there? How do you... No, no, no. How do you know? Because everybody else is like... Healing... Everybody else I've ever talked to, healing is never ending and you never fully heal. How do you know you're healed and you're whole? I know... So I'm going to tell you right now, the first time...
• 31:50
  the world broke me, and God was there, and I felt his presence. The second time, God's broke me down, and it's been the last few years. He broke down my business. He broke down my living situation. He broke down...
• 32:07
  every area of my life, but he also stayed with me to build on his terms. A lot of the information that I got, the identity shift framework, all that stuff was in my time, my quiet time with the Lord after scripture reading and stuff like that. I have a very strong relationship with God through Jesus, not through any other entities, and it's he's healed me.
• 32:34
  to be completely transparent. And in scripture- How do you know? You feel it. Okay. Just like you don't- What's the feeling? Maybe I'm there and I'm addicted to the other feeling. That's, that's, no, but, no, but this is a valid conversation because the thing is, is people don't talk about the inability to grieve old identities.
• 32:56
  Because the whole book is about identity shift and giving practical steps of the identity work in different layers of the four pillars of how we operate as human beings, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So you can have all the checkpoints of mental, physical, and emotional, which I did. But I was missing the spiritual. In Scripture, they say when God had created us, he had left us an empty space in the heart that can only be filled through him. That's why we accept Jesus. We don't accept Jesus through our mind and through our body. We accept him through our heart. Right?
• 33:26
  And what happens too is when you do, it's not rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and pots of gold. It actually can look like your life is worse in the beginning because he's like a building.
• 33:39
  will demolish every false god and identity that you've ever claimed with the false illusion of that built your worth, that built your identity, that made you happy. And so as my whole world, to answer your question, was being demolished another time in my life. It's happened three times. This has been the third time recently.
• 34:01
  I was happy in my heart and I had peace, regulation. Even in moments of crying, there was a peace inside of me. There was a happiness in my heart. And it was like the reverse, you know, like nobody talks about the reverse. What was the time frame between the three breakdowns? I liken it to, you know, going in a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. It's each one you think, oh, I'm through it. And then there's another level, new devil.
• 34:31
  yeah was there a time frame for those because mine keep happening about every four years right now if you believe in god if that's what's doing this which i tend to because there's a presence around me all the time he's purging people from my life right now at an alarming rate people that i i care dearly about and it breaks your heart yes it's heartbreaking and we grieve
• 34:57
  And I'm talking from business, personal. I have some friends that have been with me for 30 years, won't return calls. And I know...
• 35:08
  And out of all fairness, because I'm about to do a reintroduction on my social media pages of the new revelation of how I'm even shifting my identity in business. I've had it actually yesterday of an hour in worship and prayer and stuff like that. Is that we have to remember that when people signed up for a relationship with us, they didn't sign up for this version. Oh, man. Yeah.
• 35:33
  This is a pretty freaking good version of me. That's what makes me sad because the people that were with me and run amok, I want them to see the good. And I want them to come, but they'll come at their own pace. Well, this is also letting go of control. And when we let go of control, because that's another addiction, which is the lack of trust. Is that the number one skill that you're in?
• 36:01
  if mastered, that changes everything in a business owner? Well, it's submission, right? Even think about strong women, submit to your husbands. You know how that triggered me so much hearing that and everybody saying that? I'm like, no way. But then as God broke me down recently, he had whispered to me, what makes you think? I know the desire of your heart to be married. I know the desires of your heart. If you can't submit to me,
• 36:30
  As a woman, what makes you think you'll ever be able to submit to your husband? And not in a manipulative way, in a way of trusting for him to lead. Right? I'm hating you right now, but that's okay. Let's flip gears a little bit because I'm getting so deep into my heart right now. It's not even funny. What is the lie? I keep going back to lies. What is the lie about discipline that keeps most people stuck in their mediocre routines? Right.
• 36:58
  Well, I can tell you the truth about discipline because I had to heal my relationship with discipline because I rebelled and I had a very rebellious personality. It's also knowing myself. Discipline equals freedom. And discipline is not punishment. So the lie is that discipline is punishment. But the truth is that discipline is freedom. Because a lot of people have the experience of.
• 37:21
  That discipline is punishment because they've tortured themselves to get some type of end result. But when in fact, when you're on your other way, cause I would say like there's multiple paths to an end destination. That's why multiple people have reached external success in multiple different ways. So you have to find the path as an emotional alignment that you're going to run parallel with during that time. And you're talking about friendships in the book, I talk about core values, standards, and expectations.
• 37:47
  And when you're building a brand new foundational framework on purpose versus default or from fragmented pieces of you, then of course you're going to at some point
• 37:58
  Realize that those relationships were not purely authentic because when the nervous system is dysregulated It operates in four ways fight flight fawn and freeze many people know about fight flight right and Freeze they don't know about fawn fawn is people-pleasing these are moments where we compromise and shut down Our most authentic self in order to fit in belong be loved because those are human basic foundational human wants and needs and
• 38:28
  And so we compromise and compromise and compromise, shut up, shut down, suppress, right? No big deal.
• 38:37
  And then at the end, we actually have to take responsibility that we were never truly authentic. Because when we said yes, we actually really wanted to say no. And when we said no, we really meant yes, right? So that's where we have to be honest and take responsibility of what version of us shows up in default mode when we're dysregulated. That's also part of your identity too. So you basically have to kill off everything, everything that you've ever known.
• 39:06
  That's not an alignment. That's not an alignment. And that's, it's so hard. And that fawn, that's the first time. And it was early in the book where I'm like,
• 39:18
  I hate this book already. It was because I had to stop and look it up and do some research to understand. Because it hit. You're right. I, people, please to keep the peace. Same. There's not a day that goes by at NTM, my AI company, that people don't go. We can't meet your standards. Yes, you can. Whether you think you can or you think you can't.
• 39:43
  You're right. And I do. I have ridiculously high standards. Yeah. But what I won't allow anymore, and this is what's creating this separation, is actually preparation. And I'm like, ooh. Refining. And at the end of the day, I had a couple people left my company. Left is a nice way to put it. Yeah.
• 40:05
  they were the ones that weren't meeting the standards. They weren't even coming close. They weren't even trying. They were the ones sabotaging. Guess what? We're about a month and a half later, and man, has production gone way through the roof. And I love them very much, but I love them from afar. Yeah. And my standards are going to continue to be high, and they're going to be higher, and I'm going to start enforcing them like,
• 40:33
  My life depends on it because they do. It does. And I guess if you watch my stories or watch my social media, I'm right in the smack of the dab in the middle of all this stuff. So let's talk about why successful people sabotage the exact thing that they want. Why does that happen? That used to be me back in the day of drinking and drugs. Well, let me ask you this. Like, what is your definition of success? Yeah.
• 40:59
  Well, then was money and women and power. And now it's so simple. I just want a peaceful heart. Because when I get a peaceful heart, and I've already seen it, because it's getting more peaceful every day.
• 41:14
  The other definitions of success come. Yeah. So weird. It's because you're courageous and emotions. The thing is like we were talking about is like we have our own definitions of things. And then what you just said is you gave this or this. But you can have both. And that's the thing about the book is that I truly believe like we can have it all. And there's intrinsic goals, which you just said, peace in your heart. And extrinsic goals of the business, the relationship, the relationship.
• 41:43
  the materialistic stuff. And in chapter two, it's all about the life audit, right? So you can have in harmony, you can have harmony between both worlds. And so once we get clear on what am I defining as success, that I believe that once I achieve this, then I'll feel peace in my heart. But you've experienced, wait, I achieved this. And why does my heart hurt more?
• 42:09
  Because you had to absolutely give up on who you were, what you're in alignment with to get those results. I mean, you didn't, I'm sorry, you don't have to, you did. But you don't have to and then you achieve it and it feels better. Multiple paths to an end destination. Little pro tip on this book. It's here if you guys are watching this on YouTube. It's available on Amazon, right? Have your journal or your notebook with you.
• 42:36
  Because there's a lot of exercises that are so good that I sped through. I do them in my mind. Yeah. And when you talked about internal versus external goals, it hit home for me. And the fawn one made me stop and think. And you do these audits. It made me think of you were doing a business audit, but it was on our life. Every aspect of it. Then I'll bet you can trace them back and look at some of your
• 43:05
  your journal entries, and you can see it, there's a pattern there, guys. And also progress, because everybody talks about KPIs, SOPs in business. I've never discovered, except the ones that I had to create, because a lot of the things that I had to create, I'm sure you can say the same thing, was that entrepreneurs create solutions to problems. They're mostly their own pain issues.
• 43:27
  And so in there I was like, wait a second, like what are the KPIs of measuring our own progress? Like, okay, hey, I actually didn't get into that relationship as much as I was mad at myself that I almost like got catfished into that. I call them catfishers. I almost got catfished into that. I didn't. Does that count to truthfully?
• 43:51
  doesn't feel like it's a KPI to me. And that might be part of my problem. Even though it's plain as day, you can check that box, I didn't do that thing that I normally would have done. That doesn't, as a business owner who measures everything, that does not feel like a KPI to me. Walk me through why. It is, and I know it is. But in my subconscious, that doesn't, like I look, I told Stephen, I said, the only thing that I have to look forward to right now lately is the podcast growth.
• 44:21
  Have you done the, in chapter six, the five-step daily journal? Because this book is meant to be something to come back to time and time again. Like my vision was for the reader to have a playbook because it's a plug-in play. It is a playbook, by the way. Yeah. But have your, have a notebook right next to it. Yeah. So there's a section in here and then I give away for free, which I kept writing the quote in there to get the free. I made like an actual PDF. You can print it out and I use it because I was the meanest person I ever knew to myself.
• 44:51
  I was like externally like I called it so that's called toxic positivity we want to be positive and light because we know what it feels like to be in the dark and to be treated a certain way so we never want to project that into others but internally it's like so demonic and toxic to ourself and so I had come up with these different formulas um I had studied a lot in 2011 uh with mentors at the time one of them um was Michael Jordan's coach and he had
• 45:21
  this mindfulness practice, and I incorporate a bunch of different things over the course of the last 10 years that I thought were the best when it comes to journaling, because I couldn't get myself to journal, because I'm like, I don't want to talk about my emotions, I don't want to talk about my feelings, I already know I, like, hate life, and I hate myself, like, I don't want to go there, I'm in enough pain, but when it was a space where it was structured, where you start off with your daily wins, and this, just like we have workouts in the gym, we have emotional workouts, right,
• 45:50
  Right? Because emotional intelligence is actually a three-step equation. We have emotional availability. And once you're emotionally available, you're going to feel like you're all over the place. But it's just because it's like brand new and then you've opened up all these different things that have been suppressed and compounded over X amount of years that you've been doing it. Then you have tools for emotional management. And it's a workout. So you put in the repetitions and then you get stronger just like our body.
• 46:17
  Same concept. So the journal is like you put in the practice of like, what did I win today? I do that actually in my morning.
• 46:25
  I set my intention in the morning and then I bring it home just before I'm going to sleep. I said, it's my gratitude. So those are the three things that I accomplished that I'm grateful for. Yeah, but what did you do today? Like what is that, like you got, give yourself credit. You have to train your brain for that. Then you go into the challenges. Then you can go ahead and dump. And then you go into the reframes, but you write the reframe as if it was a win. And then you go into your intentions, your intrinsic words. So say, peace in my heart. So you're giving your brain
• 46:55
  things to look for today to create peace in your life. So you're training your mind to instead of setting like podcast done, this, who's the guest, who's this, those are external stuff. So if you say, let me seek peace today, and then you're training your mind to seek things that are going to, eventually if you put your mind on something, it's going to find things to create more and expand it into your day.
• 47:18
  And so that's where you're creating those intentions of how you want to feel on the intrinsic goals. And then you start to script it out. This builds trust with yourself. I am capable of knowing what brings me peace and joy in my day. And then the days compound into a year. Two years turn into two. One year turns into two years. It's a compound effect. But we have to take it micro. Micro.
• 47:43
  It is so hard because I woke up this morning, lots of peace. And I was like, thank you, God, for this peace. I appreciate if you keep this going today. And then I went and did a workout and I went downstairs to do some business and the wheels fell off. Like, and I'm not talking just a little like. Yeah.
• 48:06
  And then one after another after another. And thank goodness I knew you were coming and Stephen's here listening to me whine. And it just did not keep going today. But I will climb into bed tonight and thank you for today.
• 48:20
  Yeah. Those are traumatic moments in a day that creates trauma, right? Trauma doesn't end. Like, that was a moment that was an emotionally traumatic thing on you that could have impacted you. And look at the time. You could have had any other guest today. And today was the day that I come in and here we are.
• 48:37
  I'll take it a step further. So everything you just said, I did today. So I guess I got to give myself that KPI that you really can't put a number on. You give yourself credit. This is what happened is something happened. I was triggered. I wanted to lash out and actually go and act. And I just, I had to stop and say, oh, this is the test. I need to just sit back, surrender. Yeah.
• 49:04
  and trust that this is going to either work out or I'll deep I have the strength to deal with it and I did nothing and I sat in that anxiety and went through two meetings and then it just fell out of me when we did our prayer before we came and I feel better but it was yeah I want to get off this podcast and go and deal with that and um I'm not
• 49:29
  And that's progress. That's a KPI. That's what I said. It's a KPI. Yeah. It doesn't feel like it. I just want to look at the number. But when you write it and you look at it, you start to realize and then just saying it out loud, didn't you then feel a little bit better about it? Yeah. I mean, not so hard on yourself.
• 49:46
  I want to feel like I felt this morning more. And it's a workout. I woke up very at peace and I liked it. And I wish that for everybody and I'm going to keep grinding and keep sharing and have great guests on like you that give you all of the tools. We're getting up against it, but I want to talk about the difference between someone that fails and stays down versus someone who fails and uses it as fuel.
• 50:12
  And then there's a third, the person that does nothing. And that's the most of the people that are here. What's the difference between the three? And what's the most dangerous one? Probably the last one. Yeah. I call that the gray zone, the walking dead. I've been there. Yeah. Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb. And they don't know. And their support structure, their habits, their rituals. That's why I hope if you're listening to this. Yeah.
• 50:41
  That you reach out. Get a mentor. Mentors can be through podcasts. It can be through books. That's what I did. I had nothing at one point, but I had a phone. You got all quiet too because you've been there. Yeah. It is the scariest thing. Several times. It's just being in that indifference in between phase. Every day I literally, with massive night terrors, I didn't sleep for a whole year.
• 51:05
  I had probably two years actually when I was in that relationship they know how to get you where you they break up your sleep patterns they did a study where in order to drive somebody psycho and on the edge is you disrupt their sleep patterns over time they did that it was a sleep study test where a guy didn't sleep for 72 hours and he went completely like put him in an insane asylum or maybe it was longer than 72 hours but like no sleep
• 51:32
  Is that your recommendation, though, to just then, if you're in a stressful situation, either get a cat nap or if you can't. There's certain nights where I can't sleep at all. And I will even take a sleeping pill. Nothing.
• 51:50
  Yeah. And I had one very recently, two weeks ago, and I didn't sleep one minute. And I worked. I had to fly back to Detroit, work the entire next day. That would be my record. You're right. Sleep is the most. Food is secondary. Sleep is so important.
• 52:07
  Well, I mean, I would even say, I mean, that's in chapter four is building your foundational framework, your high performance habits. There are still moments and days that I'll have that, especially with like business or own things where I'm in my head because we're human. So just because we know that things doesn't and we apply them doesn't mean we'll never experiencing them.
• 52:26
  This is where you create your own toolbox. Remember, life is seasonal. So the tools that work last season does not mean they're going to work this season. We have to audit our tools. So for me, I listen to worship music. I need sound while I sleep.
• 52:44
  I sleep more restful and in peace. And I even feel like God's presence when I sleep, when I listen to worship music, very, very low. But days that I have that, I'll get in scripture or I'll listen to some type of like a podcast. I'll also look at my environment. Is my home messy? Is my home messy?
• 53:02
  Is my room cluttered? Do I have paper? I mean, listen, when you're writing a book, you got paperwork all over the place. And it looks like Einstein's. Your hair is like this. So I'll always look into what tools can I pull, the ones that are in work. And sometimes I'll just go and I'll get a workout in.
• 53:20
  We go all this length and you haven't said anything about meditation. Like I've been doubling and tripling up my meditation. Yeah. It feels like nothing is working. Because the body is in a chaotic state. Meditation happens after you kind of like shake out the physical stuff. That's why the physical pillar is so important. Even to this day, I've learned my best sequence of things. It's not always what you do. It's also in the order that you do it.
• 53:47
  And so I've learned I have to like get the restlessness out of my body to be able to have like a stillness. Even if I go to get in scripture, some mornings I can be there and be still. And others I need to work the anxiety out of my body or the anger out of my body. And then I can sit still. So you have to see the order of where you place things. And then the meditation sometimes is in the afternoon.
• 54:11
  Or a late morning. Oh, I've been doing it a ton. I do it morning, noon, and night. Oh, I would do hours of meditation. If you can sit there and you set your timer, and that also creates a discipline of having to sit with your stuff. But sometimes we do need to go and get a workout in and then be able to sit.
• 54:30
  Last question, then we have our patented rapid fire. We're going to ask you seven quick things with just one word, one sentence answers. But if you only had 60 seconds with an entrepreneur who was winning in business but not in life, what would you say? How's your heart? My heart hurts. Yeah. My heart aches. I want to end it right there. That was so good. All right, rapid fire.
• 54:59
  One word that describes the version of you that almost did not make it. Ego. Have you heard what John Gordon calls ego? Edging God out? I find it very odd that you went ego. Let's just leave that one. Yeah. Best advice you have ever ignored. Just give it over to God. The habit you will never skip again. Workouts no matter what.
• 55:26
  You know, it's so funny you say that. I literally couldn't breathe if I didn't lift. Yeah. Because sometimes I'll skip them and it's never worth it. Never worth it. I'm a different person. I think I'm addicted to that too. The lie entrepreneurs tell themselves the most. I'll deal with it later. This too shall pass. Yeah, this too shall pass. It will not pass unless you make a change. Yeah. That's what the funniest thing in the world is. We have, nothing changes if you don't change.
• 55:55
  If I ignore it, it'll go away. Yeah. I'll deal with it later. That's a good one. If you had to coach one person on this planet for free, who would it be? Uh-oh. Don't say me. Yeah.
• 56:07
  I feel a coaching session coming out as soon as the cameras go off. If you're somebody who is, because the thing is, is like, I'm going to just kind of, this one I feel like you can say. Because if I did say you, which actually I did think that at first, but you didn't want it, then it wouldn't matter. Or if you didn't trust me or if it wasn't the right season and I offered it at the wrong time. So I would say somebody like you that was receptive to give it a shot.
• 56:38
  Because you've done everything. No, actually, I want to correct you. We all say that. Yeah. I've tried everything. It's the one darn thing that you're afraid to do. And for me, it was this IFS therapy I'm in right now. And there's no, I'm just in the mud. And I got to keep going. Yeah. And there's going to be times where it's going to hurt. And that's where I'm at right now. So what is on the billboard with your face on it?
• 57:05
  billboard with my face or is waiting for my face? No, it says what is on the billboard with your face on it. Oh, that's a good one. That's so funny. Can it be a sentence? Yes. Okay. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be consistent. Consistency over intensity. I love it. Finish this sentence. An extraordinary life starts the moment you... Decide to become an extraordinary self.
• 57:33
  And you do that with her book. It's on Amazon right now. Building. The new. The new. A year of living life on purpose. And I'm doing this right now. And it is the blueprint. It's good stuff. So, Tanya, thanks for being harder than life. Thanks for going on today and showing up and being in person. And I'm looking forward to long friendship with you.
• 57:58
  Same, if I may say, of how admirable it is to see vulnerability and strength in a man. And I think a lot of men out there that are on the top in marketing have this false identity of what a man is. And as a woman, that you are a beautiful example of what a man is.
• 58:27
  You hear that, fellas? Be more vulnerable. That's all you got to do. No. And authentic. Vulnerable, authentic. I receive all that and we just said, I tried everything. I tried everything but this. And it just, it bottles up. Yeah. And my daughter said to me the other day.
• 58:47
  Dad, when my friends say that it's not cool to be vulnerable, I tell them that it is. That's a lie. That is actually the lie. She said it. My dad is modeling that, and I think it's the coolest thing because she saw me. I've cried a lot over the last month. Well, you know, crying is a form of cellular memory release.
• 59:06
  I know my coach and my therapist said, please stop interrupting it because there was nobody around to cry when I was a kid. So I interrupted. And I recently, my father died 27 years ago, a couple weeks ago. The anniversary was a couple weeks ago. And I went and I cried for 20 minutes at the grave. And it felt so good. You're just processing everything. It's like 40 years. For the first time. Remember I said, emotionally unavailability. When you become emotional available, it opens a floodgate. Oh, I'm writing book number three right now because it's just, I'm creative. So...
• 59:36
  Again, thank you. Thank you. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.