Latest / Connect Call / EP07 - Breaking the Silence: My Journey Through Depression and Treatment with Hannah Brett

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EP07 - Breaking the Silence: My Journey Through Depression and Treatment with Hannah Brett · Connect Call

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, it's Hannah Brett.
• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is Connect Call.
• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to go with the solo of this week for a couple of reasons.
• 0:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: One I just feel like it to I definitely want to elaborate a little bit more on last week's episode, which we had with Jonathan Low, J.
• 0:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Low as I called him when I worked with him and we are definitely having him back on the show.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was and still is a great resource.
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I loved everything he was saying, and for those of you who missed it, please tune in.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can go to my YouTube Spotify or Apple.
• 0:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I still feel very weird when I say that by the way.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you can upload or download or sub.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is the lingo?
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: the jargon subscribe to that episode.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm pleased to know that because he just he's got away with his words and he is very, very knowledgeable when speaking about the topic at hand, which was psychedelics and how they were helping a lot of people and still help people and are helping people like me with one's depression and even sometimes addiction.
• 1:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I think a big reason why I wanted to do this show
• 1:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: not only to have that conversation about mental health and the stigma around it, but really have an authentic conversation and really have episodes that are going to be appealing to all, okay?
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think in the work I do, there are
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, a lot of lanes people like to stay in about when it comes to sobriety and it comes to mental health and types of treatment and what I wanted to use this platform to do was really expose my viewers and my listeners to what is really out there and that I truly believe one's treatment is like a snowflake and who are we to judge and who are we to say, you know,
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is right or right is wrong?
• 1:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And also, I just feel like there's so much misinformation out there, you know, when we start talking about, and we will have episodes on psilocybin, without an episode on ketamine, we will have those episodes about plant based medicine about different styles of and types of treatment when it comes to PTSD and mental health.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I wanted to do it.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: because I think I've tried everything and talk about it, but also because I feel like I know what it's like to have no hope and I know what it is like when you're in the depths of your depression and you think
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no way out, I've tried everything, and I'm here to tell you that you haven't, and I'm also here to tell all the haters out there, you were so misinformed.
• 2:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not trying to be out here to show you on right your wrong, because that's not it, but I would love to educate with light.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think even a lot of my colleagues and those in the industry and those of us who have gotten sober are misinformed and don't really understand a lot of these treatments and how effective they can be.
• 3:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will stress like any other thing out there, you can abuse anything.
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I often say, you know, I'm all over the place right now, but I do often say that, you know, Michael Jackson loved his milk and his profile, but we still use it for surgeries, right?
• 3:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if these psychedelics and certain medications and treatments are done as prescribed as
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: and under the correct supervision of, then they can be so effective and save so many lives.
• 3:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I know this again, because I've tried everything.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I kind of wanted to take this episode, and I know I've talked a little bit about myself, and I didn't want to be that person on the mic who was like, let me tell you my story.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me continue to tell you my story.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just gonna talk about me.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Every episode, I'm going to talk about me, my story, me myself and I and me.
• 4:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to come off like that, but I also wanted to be
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: authentic.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I wanted people to know out there that if I'm going to say, let's end the stigma and let's talk about mental health and let's talk about my mental health, right?
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I definitely wanted to take this episode to expand a little bit of what I was talking about last week with Jonathan and the depths of where my depression took me.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will say this from a very, very, very, very young age as far as back I can remember really.
• 4:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: My drug of choice was acting
• 4:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: and performing and being somebody I wasn't.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to be anything but me in every shape form.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, so yeah, I did get into theater, you know, because that was the best way to escape me and escape my depression.
• 4:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I had very low grade depression in my whole life.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know this because,
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, there have been so many comedians over time, especially Robin Williams, people like that when they talk about, you know, that quote, stay there, I'm gonna miss, I'm gonna say it wrong, and I want to honor him and say it right, hold on, listen to the music while I'm looking.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, this is it.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found it.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there are many, many quotes with him that I hold dear to my heart.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: But this one was a singer right to me.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Robin Williams once said, I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to really feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: What else do you write?
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Another beautiful reflection he shared on the value bringing joy to others is, I don't know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I've made a few people happier than they would have been without me.
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as long as I know that I'm as rich as I ever need to be, that is also true.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but I think two things are very true for me and where I really connected with that first quote was, you know, it was far back as I could remember.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never wanted to be who I was.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I also really just wanted to make people smile and laugh.
• 6:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I still do to this day.
• 6:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I like to walk into a room and not be like the class clown, but to bring some joy into somebody's life because I know how bad.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had felt so much of my life and if I can be that human pill of medicine of joy, that bring that smile to someone else's face, there was no better fix for me, no bigger fix for me.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's why I think I got addicted to acting for so long is the ability to make somebody laugh.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I quote all these comedians all day long.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think Gilda Radner even says it like, you know, about when you hear some, you know, what you can make people laugh, like, I'm gonna look up Geldman now.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Hold on, this is important too.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Stand by.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Making people laugh quote.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Gilda said, all right.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: This here's one that really, really got me to.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always felt that I could do anything if people were laughing.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is so true, whether it was work, whether it was my day-to-day, my relationships.
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I loved to make people smile and still do.
• 7:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we talk about in marketing and being a rapper, you know, that my job, my whole life and business development about relationship building.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I had a way of building relationships by, I think, hopefully making people smile, but not just making them smile authentically being me and showing up that way to make people smile.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: to go back, you know, to what I was saying about my depression, you know, because I never wanted anybody to ever feel this horrible feeling that I had felt for many years and still do and comes in these waves sometimes.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this was also a big reason why I want to do this podcast.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And why I continue to do the work I do today, why I try to help people as little or as big as I can, you know, I truly, truly, truly, truly believe.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: in the darkest and deepest and worst of times.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: In my mental health, it is happened.
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: My struggle has been real.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The amount of treatments I have tried, time and time again.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Different ones, literally, have done everything, but like, you know, bungee jump for my mental health.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have gone to these depths and dark places.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: To hopefully,
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: help people not have to suffer that long or suffer or take that long to struggle.
• 9:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Am I making sense?
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if I'm making sense, but what I'm trying to say is,
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: with my friends, with this podcast, with me being even for myself as a gift to myself by being honest and kind of releasing some of the shame.
• 9:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's important that my journey took me here to this place so that hopefully less people will struggle.
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Childhood, low grade depression, college, drink,
• 9:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're also talking about questioning one's sexuality at this time, added to my depression, didn't want to be in my body, or like who I liked, and, but clinically, I could tell my whole life.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like my DNA was, I was at a press kid, you know, a really sad kid who just put on those, you know, tears of a clown, like Smokey Robinson.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know the worst of my depression throughout app in 2016, 2017, these waves of such darkness didn't want to get up in the morning, didn't want to go to bed, didn't want to eat, didn't want to bathe, and I'm now grateful that it was that bad because I think if I had that
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: functional depression that I also see some of my peers and my friends go through where they just continue to show up, but they're depressed.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think you kind of tell yourself, I don't need medication.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: You tell yourself, I don't need help.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or tomorrow's gonna be better.
• 10:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you kind of just settle with this funk of funkiness, right?
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: But with me, it took me the fuck out.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I finally understood why I was using.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was like, oh, this is what I was doing.
• 10:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was self-medicating for this hell.
• 10:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was basically having these episodes with.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I was younger, they were few and far between.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: But again, 2016, 2017 is when I went off to the races like I'd never seen.
• 11:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And since then, I've been treating what I consider
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Treatment resistance depression, you know, it's taken me many years to own my depression.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's taken me many years to say that I struggle with depression and not just anxiety.
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think anxiety is a safe word in mental health.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I see it a lot with men when we start talking about, you know, symptoms of and their mental health.
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think the safe word is anxiety or a little anxious.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I think there's a lot of depression that goes on and we don't talk about it because people are like, why are you depressed?
• 11:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I still remember, you know, even my family, like when I told my dad I was depressed and I've been struggling at my whole life and other members of my family was obvious that they'd been struggling as well.
• 11:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: He said, well, there's nothing to be, you'd be like, there's nothing to be depressed about.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we have lovely house, you have lovely dog, you're married to a wonderful woman, you know, a wonderful job.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: best imitation I could do if I'm.
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there was nothing to be sad about.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, Jim Kerry said it, there's such a difference between sadness and depression.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, sadness is matter of fact that you're sad about something happening.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's something in time, someone is passed away and you are sad.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have lost a love and that will make you sad.
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, it is a smell.
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is a feeling through your body.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is waking up in the morning and not wanting to make yourself a good breakfast.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said on the last episode, it is getting up thinking, I don't want to go work out today or looking the mirror and thinking how ugly you look, you know?
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think the most shame I have felt as a...
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: someone who struggles with depression is being in my industry of the treatment industry, of getting those help, you know, with one's mental health and substance use treatment and anything, you kind of take a back seat to those you're helping, right?
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then God forbid,
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: which is so funny if you think about it.
• 13:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Cause the majority of us, by the way, who are in this industry of being helpers, we didn't get me here just because, you know, we liked rehab, we just wanted to put you in it, you know?
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: The majority of us are here because of our own journeys with mental health and addiction and or a family member of ours that we couldn't save control or work with and this is our way of kind of healing ourselves and helping others, you know?
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I think what's funny, not funny, but I can now, after all these years, say it's still so taboo in a way, in our industry and hush hush, and you know, like we used to whisper the word cancer.
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: We like whisper still in this industry.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be gone for six weeks.
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm just going to be going into that program.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 14:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you, I'll let you know how things are going.
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm fine.
• 14:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm fine.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's very taboo still, I feel when I got sober and when I first started tackling my mental health, two things to be true, or one thing to be true, which is, you know, I will never graduate from this.
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will never, you know, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day saying that it's been like 23, 24 years since I've had a drink.
• 14:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: drugs because I was a raging alcoholic.
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, all the rest of it as well, and when I think about that, you know, everyone's like, oh, that's such an accomplishment and whatever, but that's the symptom, you know, the real work, the
• 14:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: The thing that I always have to keep tabs on is my mental health is treating myself and continuously doing the work.
• 14:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I am bettering myself and also helping those symptoms that come out to play in my relapses of depression.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: My depression is no joke.
• 15:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: It will take me out.
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: It could have taken me out.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not saying it will take me out, but it is one of those that, you know,
• 15:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this for everybody, I think with the conversation needs to be had that a lot of people don't talk about is you hear people say, oh, I found so often I felt so much better, oh, I found prosack and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I felt so much better, you know, or I found this treatment and I was all good.
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't think we talk about it enough that it's not like you've graduated.
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, even when you found that magic medicine, even if you found the magic medicine that goes with the magic therapy, that goes with the magic bark out, that goes with the magic relationship now with the magic job and like, you're just really feeling yourself, you still need to do the work on yourself.
• 15:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: You still haven't graduated, you know?
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: In 2016, 2017, I did ask for the help.
• 15:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I went to treatment centers.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did even aftercare.
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I OP, and we're going to talk about this more in other episodes, but if there was a treatment I could have done, I did it.
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had tried at that point at least six anti-depressants.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: In my life, I had tried multiple different therapies.
• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had been to already treatment a few times.
• 16:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my choices at the time to hopefully turn the switch on in my head was TMS, which we will talk about in an episode.
• 16:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: ECT, electric shock therapy, or the ketamine infusions.
• 16:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Men at the time, like I said, I did ElectroShot Therapy, which didn't do anything for me.
• 16:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It has worked for other people.
• 16:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will say this.
• 16:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: It did not work for me.
• 16:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I still encourage and I welcome, and I say this to anybody who is dealing with any sort of mental health struggles.
• 16:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like,
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: just continue to have hope and continue to be an open and willing participant in your life to want to get better and whatever that takes to do that safely, we are going to do, you know, and but I think a really big turning point for me and something I do not speak about a lot, and I still have a lot of shame about is,
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: After one of my treatments in 20, I think 16, 20, 17, and following the orders of that treatment center, so then go to one-out patient here in Atlanta, and kind of with all due respects, I wasn't really getting much from art therapy and San therapy and was kind of done with it, but I wanted to complete to be that kind of straight-a student for myself.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, a part of that, and we'll be talking this also in other episodes, is because it was more of an insurance-based provider.
• 17:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found myself in front of multiple doctors, changing my meds at a very rapid pace.
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what ended up happening as I crashed really badly.
• 17:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I remember of this day was, it was, I think, in November.
• 18:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I was supposed to go to one of my aftercare groups at this facility and I, I was, I was, I was done, I didn't want to take myself out, but I was, when Hannah's done, she sleeps and so what I decided to do and I thought it was a really smart idea was instead of going to the treatment center in Atlanta, there was a hotel next to the treatment center.
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why would I do that?
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I get attracted into that hotel instead of during the time I was supposed to be in group.
• 18:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said, I'm in a nap next to the treatment center.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why I was thinking like this.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, and I also thought it was a really good idea to call my wife and let her know this is what I was doing.
• 18:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: which scared the shadow of her, which rightfully so, you know, and because of that, an emergency family meeting happened at that treatment center with my wife and my sister-in-law, myself, and some doctor, I think, who I'd met twice the whole time I had been there, and I just remembered the time.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: being so hysterical and crime minds out pleading for sanity, pleading for my life, pleading for joy, pleading for an answer, pleading for a safe time out.
• 19:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I wasn't really thinking what I was saying, I think, because I knew in my heart, and I'll say it, when my depression is bad, I have suicidal ideation.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: What that means to me is, I envision a world without me in it.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hear the music you'll be playing at my funeral.
• 19:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I see the slideshow, I'll even be playing as I'm that main, but I don't have those steps and measures in place to take myself out.
• 19:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never will get that far.
• 19:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: It will never even go there.
• 19:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just have this ideation of what life will be without handbrake.
• 19:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: And in just saying that,
• 20:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: and destroy so many people that I love, you know, and why I'm saying this is I know
• 20:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never said I was going to hurt anybody or hurt myself.
• 20:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I still got up to go to the bathroom and with that I was told, and now it's involuntarily.
• 20:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll be involuntarily hospitalized.
• 20:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I guess part of that conversation that I don't really remember because I kind of blacked it out as I agreed for a little hospital stay.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Little check out, little time out on, you know, they really made it sound cushy.
• 20:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Bad I do remember, like don't you.
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: more and relaxed like it was like a spa.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't you just want a little time out and just like focus on you and I do remember saying something of the volunteering myself to say yes and when I got up and then I heard the doctor say well now it's involuntary.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: or something, there was like a switch.
• 21:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember I woke up and I looked at him and I said, Hoda, I've worked in this business for many years.
• 21:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did not say I was gonna hurt myself for anybody else.
• 21:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I walk out of this room right now, have you 10, 13 me meaning that I was going to be
• 21:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was being put on a psych hold, which meant it would be against the law if I had left the building and did not go with them to a hospital to be put into the psych hold.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: The police would be after me.
• 21:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It gets that extreme real quick and I.
• 21:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: flipped out at first.
• 21:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do remember that.
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do remember they had to ask my wife and my sister-in-law to leave.
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was medicated.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do remember telling them something along the lines like you don't know who you're fucking with a man breath like this is when I job.
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do marketing in treatment.
• 21:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will destroy your career.
• 21:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Please I'm begging you.
• 21:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am not hurting myself or anybody else.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to do this.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was just like the movies y'all.
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it took me and it still taking me even talking about it right now a lot to talk about it and to to get into some detail about it because it was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
• 22:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I've done rehab.
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I could definitely do prison, but a cycle is a whole new bag of chips.
• 22:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just think the way we keep people safe.
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: is it's not productive.
• 22:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know that it's a little barbaric and it's very traumatic.
• 22:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Especially when we're talking about adolescents and kids, I will say this.
• 22:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: A psych hold is there for a reason and if there is somebody who is in risk of hurting themselves or someone else, then that step needs to be taken.
• 22:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I have seen time and time again.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: or either somebody will say the wrong thing at the wrong time or kid will say I'm just going to tell myself if you put me into treatment and be put into this what they call a 72 hour cycle.
• 23:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was taken to a facility here in Atlanta.
• 23:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again all I knew was 72 hours.
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I woke up after being in an admissions cell for six hours.
• 23:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, very cold.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, being just kind of like held there.
• 23:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm not even exaggerating.
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It felt like I was being arrested.
• 23:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It felt like I was being punished for being sad or depressed and there was a very long waiting period to even get me into my room.
• 23:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: would no mattress with a blanket.
• 23:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think the ideas we don't want to keep you too comfortable on these beds because you'll sleep all day.
• 23:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we got to keep you up and to get your head up.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that morning I woke up, my roommate, God bless her, asked if I could hold her in the shower.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: She might stroke out.
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: She had a tendency to do that sometimes, or have a seizure of some sort.
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: dissociated line I'd never dissociated my life.
• 24:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also cried like I'd never cried in my life.
• 24:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think when you were told or kept from going outside, or you were physically locked in, it does something primal to you.
• 24:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, to this day, I don't like doors being locked behind me.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't like being anywhere I can't get out of because those 72 hours for me ended up being eight days.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for some, I've even heard of longer and what happened during that time is I guess it kept me safe.
• 24:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It didn't keep me sane.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: No medications were changed.
• 24:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so.
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll say this.
• 24:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was the lowest of below I'd been.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is a definite point in my life where I looked in the mirror.
• 24:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't recognize myself because my eyes were.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I cried so hard.
• 25:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: They were swollen shot and I remember saying out loud in the mirror in the bathroom, Hannah brought you are going to get through this and you are going to get through this so that you can help some other kid or some other woman out there and they don't have to go through this.
• 25:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And lo and behold, I became kind of the norm around the unit, you know, for the first four or five days, I kicked in screen, I wouldn't go to group, I wouldn't participate.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember my mother flew in from the UK, I didn't want to disrupt her because of my.
• 25:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a long story, but my sister is a diverge syndrome, and because of her diverge syndrome, she has been in an out of sight unit, so I didn't want her baby to also be in a sight unit.
• 25:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: She flew and walked into a blaster with a box of donuts, thinking she could get me out that way, and still couldn't.
• 25:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember the only reason they allowed me to leave was that I had
• 25:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: had to commit to a residential stay somewhere, if not with them, which they were really pushing by the way, I had to find something else.
• 26:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that was the only way I was allowed out.
• 26:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for the first two years after that stint, I couldn't go down that street.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't drive down that street.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then when I started to drive down that street, I'd scream out the window like
• 26:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: because it was so girl interrupted.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was so Hannah interrupted.
• 26:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was, again, I do remember when I left that cycle that day, I rounded up the nurses, the crew, who were on the unit, who are at the front desk.
• 26:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember there was only a three or four of them, and I said to the first woman, Laura, was her name, I said, Laura, I just wanna say something.
• 26:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 26:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for giving me hugs every day.
• 26:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for telling me when I couldn't breathe that it was going to be okay.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for also bringing me food to my bed and to this unit because I had so much shame in going to the dining room because the hospital I was at was also one of my accounts.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I knew staff and I couldn't be seen.
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for bringing me food and make sure I was being fed.
• 27:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: To the other three of you, find a new profession.
• 27:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I go, we are women here.
• 27:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: because we have been put here, because we are not okay and we are sad and we are depressed and we are anxious.
• 27:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we are not criminals.
• 27:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have done nothing wrong to you or yours and the way you treated us was pretty horrific.
• 27:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: There was no compassion.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: There was no love.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: There was no treating us with any sort of humanity.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I get it.
• 27:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a cycle.
• 27:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it should be a psych hug, you know, that wouldn't change the terminology and change the format.
• 27:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I've seen far too many children experience those experiences in those settings, and they equate it with treatment and therapy.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we'll never want to even go into a residential setting because they think they're gonna be hospitalized.
• 28:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a big advocate today of less of the white walls and exit signs.
• 28:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: but definitely I'm proud to sit here and say that I survived the cycle and it's made me fun here.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's also made me have so much more compassion.
• 28:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember when I left and went through that period walking through different antidepressants and different treatments and that stays in particular.
• 28:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: made me really understand the work I was doing at a whole new level.
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of my colleagues are really quick to put ahead in a bed for their facility for even their own psych hospitals without really stepping in the shoes of that child and of that adult and of that person.
• 28:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, and listen, I don't, I don't think you need, you know, try your own products out, but I often feel that I would really love to see all the CEOs of psych hospitals just spend the night in their units and tell me how that goes for you, you know, how loving and hopeful and, you know,
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: warm and humane it you felt and how it felt for you or whatever.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just here to sit here in front of you to tell you that
• 29:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am so under construction, I will do episodes on all different types of therapies, all different types of modalities, all different medications and treatments that help me and have helped others, others that I think get more attention than they should, and I am not all right and all knowing by any means, but I would walk the motherfucking walk on this one
• 29:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: when it comes to depression, when it comes to self-medicating for my depression, when it comes to treatments of my depression, I dare anybody to step to me to say anything about anything, about something that I have tried and you have not.
• 30:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm also here to say that, and it's going to help me by saying it
• 30:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even on my worst days, I would always to this day write five things that I'm grateful for.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I now have a coach that I work with and in the mornings we say good morning and I say three things I'm grateful for but at night I try to also then write five things I'm grateful for.
• 30:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even on the day my mother died I wrote five things I was grateful for.
• 30:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it makes me, to remember that whatever I am feeling, whatever I am going through and as dark as my depression was and has been that this shell pass and it does pass.
• 31:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, sometimes it hangs out for a little longer than I want.
• 31:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it just kind of comes by for the day and then just checks out and then back to myself.
• 31:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I can tell whether my depression is around or not, not because if I'm funny, and I want to hang out with people and all that, it's really just how I take care of myself.
• 31:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the number one thing for me.
• 31:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if I want to listen to music, it's really weird.
• 31:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And connect with people.
• 31:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: The opposite also for depression is connection.
• 31:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And with that, I think that is where my company came from.
• 31:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is where the show originated from.
• 31:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted to find a way to connect.
• 31:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: with people, not just for myself, but for you guys, because I knew the opposite of that was depression, you know, and all life is, and the joy that you have, and what feeds our soul truly is connection, and to connect with people.
• 31:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: As hard as it can be at times.
• 31:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, I'm gonna sign out and say, I'm really happy I got to just talk about myself for about 37 minutes, no, but I,
• 32:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If there's anything I might have said tonight, that somebody can hold on to, just now I'm walking the walk with you.
• 32:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I welcome questions.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I welcome people writing in for topics.
• 32:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I welcome hearing your story and how we can help you and find the resources for you and bring it.
• 32:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to hear about it.
• 32:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing that you can say or do that I won't understand.
• 32:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to use this platform to help somebody else.
• 32:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So with that good night,
• 32:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this is Connect Call with Hannah Brett, signing out.
• 32:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for tuning into this episode of Connect Call.
• 32:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: As we conclude, remember that insights shared are intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not substitute professional medical advice diagnosis or treatment.
• 33:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We strongly recommend consulting a qualified medical health professional or health care provider for personalized advice tailored to your unique needs.
• 33:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your mental health journey is important and having the right support is essential.
• 33:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're experiencing a mental health crisis or require immediate assistance, please reach out to a mental health provider or emergency services in your area.
• 33:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're grateful to have you as part of our community and your well-being remains our priority.
• 33:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So follow us on social media to stay connected and be sure to catch one of our episodes on our YouTube channel.
• 33:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're here to support you every step of the way.