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Marriage doesn't make things better · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about what happens if you marry the wrong person.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are living, you are enjoying your ancestors a lot.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships and the thing we live with.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hey all, it's Doc David back again for another episode.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that I hear often, and you've probably heard often.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just know this is an issue now.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if we get married, it'll totally resolve itself.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um and you maybe have heard that in you know any number of ways where people th seem to believe, and maybe it's because movies show it, or maybe because they're just kind of have idealized thinking.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: But people tend to believe that any issues they have um prior to marriage, uh well, the marriage is gonna resolve the marriage will just uh resolve these issues, whether it's you know, smoking, drinking, partying, talking to exes, looking at pornography, et cetera, et cetera.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm here to tell you that um marriage marriages typically will not solve problems that you have prior to marriage.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why premarital counseling is so important.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um this episode of the Doc David Show is some things uh that you can do in order to make sure that you take care of the things that need to be taken care of before you marry.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the the challenge, this first one is about being real.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now that sounds cliche, right?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the challenge with being real is that when you're younger, um, it's harder to be real.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: But by the time you know, people that remarry when in their in their 50s or their late 40s, they just let it all hang out because they don't have time to waste and they're not going to be sitting around with somebody and then find out, oh, you have this issue?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I guess I wish I would have known that two years ago before we got married.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of times I will tell couples or try to help couples be real in in premarital counseling.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, inevitably, what I ask people when they do premarital counseling with me is I say, could we talk about anything that would bring up huge red flags and will that break off your marriage?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And inevitably people say, oh no, it probably won't.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, oh my goodness, why are we even sitting here in the same room then?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because we if we're talking about something serious that needs to be worked on, you should not get married, but inevitably people get married, which again gives me job security potentially.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um but one of the things I think that's super important is being real with one another, being authentic with one another.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not something that our society teaches well.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of parents don't teach that well either.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, you know, people can't be honest because they're fearful of what the other half of the relationship will think of them.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, perhaps one partner was never raised with an ability to be honest.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: There is a degree of intimacy that is required when honesty is necessary.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe somebody has had the experience of being belittled and so they don't want to talk about their weaknesses because they're afraid that the significant other will not accept them for the challenges that they have.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So my encouragement to you in a relationship is to be real.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So the second thing that you need to do before you get married is pay attention.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times you're mixed up with all these crazy emotions.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's so wonderful, and we see pictures of people in love, and they're out uh in a field of wheat getting their engagement pictures taken and they look just so in love.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But then once the camera goes away, you can see the woman being, you know, speaking poorly to her fiance, or you can see the fiance treating his uh woman poorly, et cetera, et cetera.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So those are red flags that you should definitely be paying attention to.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the the challenge here, I think, is that we all have best friends that pay attention to these red flags, or we have family members that pay attention to these red flags, and they might try to even say something to us, but we inevitably think you just are jealous because I've found true love, or you just don't understand, dot dot dot, or why can't you just accept him for whatever issue he has?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um the the problem is like these people love you and they care about you, and they don't want you to come five years later down the road saying, I wish I had listened to you, and then you end up in a divorce and maybe you have kids.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So pay attention to these potential red flags that are coming up in these relationships that you're in.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um that leads into the my next idea is like listening to others, because I think like I said earlier, listening to others is so important.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think that we often um let our emotions get in the way of what other people say to us, and so someone, uh a father or mother who in normal circumstances we would completely um heed what they have to say and think, wow, that's really wise advice.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: For some reason, when we're in a marital or premarital relationship, we immediately think that what they say is uh not true, and they we we think of like evil motives that they have.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they must not want us to be together, or they're probably jealous of fill in the blank, you know, or your sister wishes she was getting married first and she's just wanting us to not get married.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like people come up with these outrageous reasons for why this person's saying you shouldn't get married.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But in reality, the the simplest reason is maybe what they're saying is true and you should pay attention to it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so a lot of times many people have all these facts before them and they still head into marriage with huge amounts of relational baggage.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So making a choice to not stay in a relationship or not get married is hard.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not and I'm not saying that it's like, oh, you can just do this overnight.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that people agonize over.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um but here it is, it's like if you make the right choice sooner than later, it's gonna dramatically affect your life in a positive way.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um way too many people get married, and then three to eight years into the marriage, they start kind of realizing, oh, what did I do?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look at all these red flags, why wasn't I paying attention more?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so they get three to eight years in the marriage, but that by this time they've had kids and they have you know combined investments and they've bought a house potentially, and they realize, man, I need to get a divorce.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be in I can't be around this person anymore.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then so much more damage takes place.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Kids get uprooted, the extended family gets confused about who are they gonna hang out with.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so making a hard choice earlier in to end a relationship can actually be one of the best things you not only do for yourself, but uh one of the best things you do for others.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think we often kind of think about ourselves and we don't consider how the choices that we make in regards to like divorce or separation or marriage, how it affects other people.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean I think that's a whole nother podcast topic.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't think you should just live your life based on other people's decisions, but I do think you should definitely consider what other people have to say or how your choices of marrying a sketchy person is going to affect other people.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um so one of the things, if you're gonna make a choice, if this is something that you're considering, definitely find support because doing it alone, chances are you're not going to make the right choice.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um but if you can get some support people, whether it's a therapist, whether it's somebody who doesn't know either of either family, preferably it's not gonna be a family member because family members inevitably are biased.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um you can talk with friends and family that know what's going on, but I think it's important to seek out an unemotionally or un emotionally unattached third party to help you problem solve this.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that could be, like I said, a counselor, psychologist, pastor, um maybe it's a teacher from your sixth grade class or something like that.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But somebody that can uh give you some reasonable input based on logic and sound thinking rather than emotional thinking.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or I mean emotion.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional thinking is like a not even a real thing.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But emotion-driven choices, I think, is something that um you don't want to do when you're having to decide if you should stick with somebody or not.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um so these are some things that I would encourage you to consider if you're thinking about getting married, right?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Valentine's Day is just around the corner.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is the season for getting engaged and making plans to get married in a couple months.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Summer's coming up.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you find yourself in a relationship that you're feeling kind of iffy about, I would encourage you to listen to this podcast, tell people that you need support and make a choice about what you're doing and make a rational, logical choice, not an emotion-driven choice.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is Head Shrink Inc.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Love to hear you uh and your comments at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Take care.