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We Belong – CLAIM Yourself · The D Shift

• 0:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to another episode of the day shift. And I am so glad that you are here, because I want to introduce you to a woman I have met a couple of times. And I think if you meet people more than once, you're probably supposed to have some kind of longer conversation. So I'd like to introduce you to Dea Irby And she is a phenomenal individual, she has a really neat structure that she wants to talk about. And do is a calls herself, the belonging mentor, which I think is just fascinating. And I know your focus is on community building. So Dea, take it away. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what your what your focus is as the belonging mentor.
• 1:09
  Dea Irby: Thank you, Marty. I'm so glad to be here and to share with your audience I really appreciate and yes, we are sisters from another mister maybe
• 1:19
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I'm adopted. So hey, anything, anything?
• 1:25
  Dea Irby: You start seeing people over and over just like we're supposed to be best friends. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yes, I am the belonging, mentor. And belonging is such an important element of a life of your life. Yet it's so overlooked. And if you've had it, you know how great it is. Especially if you've had it and you lose it. If you haven't had it. You don't really know what you're missing. And I'm on a mission to I don't know, belonging, awareness. Maybe? Yeah, yeah. Well, I tell people, I'm from South America. And they go, Oh, well, I was born and raised in Mississippi, lived in Alabama, two places in Georgia and two places in Florida. And that's geographically South America. That's true. And then I moved north, all the way to North Carolina. That doesn't count us north. But we're in Mississippi. I can remember. I mean, do you remember when you were five think back on a day when you were five, right? I see myself leaving in the grass in the front yard at Miss Annie's preschool. And we were I was making pink Clover necklaces with my classmates. Those classmates were the same ones I graduated high school with. That was a small Mississippi town where I had a true sense of belonging. I knew everybody they knew me. There was security in there. Unless later in your teens, you go out of line and so and so called your Aunt Pat, who called your mom and then you're in trouble. Right? That was my normal, you know, not being known and knowing, not and belonging, not like to the library, but like the TV show cheers where everybody knows your name. Right? Right, right. When my husband graduated from seminary, we moved 13 hours away from anything or anybody I knew. And for the first time, I felt a pain of isolation, a separation a not belonging. I wasn't greeted with I had your mom and dad. That if you're not from the south, that's how was your mother and all your relatives tell everyone else? Yeah, hello, exactly. It was like, this hurts. This is lonely. This is sad. And I realized that my normal of belonging was just my normal, that there were a lot of people whose normal was isolation, right. And since then, I have been on a mission. over the 40 years, my husband and I had churches of building a community of belonging, raising our eight children in our house over three decades, a sense of belonging. I had a tea room and the north Georgia mountains that were so fun, and one of my missions was to be a place where people could belong where they could come and I would pamper them and make them feel special. And now I'm a real estate agent. Along with speaker and author, I want people to be claimed, and how could I express that succinctly what it means to belong. People don't just want to be connected. They want to be claimed. Yeah. That's why you have street gangs. Sure. You have coops that grow out the wazoo, people are looking for a place that can be claimed. Right? Right. So I have this little acrostic claim, claim your people to help you put a handle on the concept in practical ways. So these, this is an acrostic. Each letter stands for a facet of claiming people. And I'll say facet because like a diamond that has facets, you can't separate out oh, here's a nice facet is not like a part of it that you can separate. They all fold on each other.
• 6:10
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And just for those listening on the video, without our on the audio without video, dia has out metal sign that is the word claim CL a I am. So just so you're aware of what we're looking at, if you're listening to this on the audio only podcast side, so do what that so claim, I get that and I get the idea that you're talking about belonging. And one of the things I think that some of the women that are probably listening it, some of the men that are listening and going through a divorce, a marriage is a place where maybe you felt that sense of belonging and claim and wholeness. And then through the separation and divorce. Now you're feeling that sense of isolation. So how does claim apply? If you feel like you've lost that sense of belonging? Like what? How can work?
• 7:04
  Dea Irby: What's cool about this is it's so applicable in so many different aspects. But I would say start at the very beginning or the origin to claim yourself, claim yourself and think about that and how you can do it. I'm gonna go through these Did you? Do you know what the each one of these are? Do you? Did you take notes or study it? Or can we play a game and you have to guess I'm just covering up. There will be a test.
• 7:45
  Mardi Winder-Adams: We can we can play the game. I hope I can get them right.
• 7:48
  Dea Irby: Well, it's okay. Because nobody does. But get maybe one right? So you'll be in good company. Okay. Okay. People want to know that they are. See. And then we'll after we talk about it, I'll tell you how you can do that for yourself. But what do you think the C stands for? cared for? This is true. However, it's chosen. Oh, I
• 8:19
  Mardi Winder-Adams: like that even better.
• 8:21
  Dea Irby: Yes, people want to know their chosen, like at work, wow, I got hired, I'm the one chosen, or we have a new task, I'm going to choose you to be the leader, the impact of that. When we were bringing had all the little people in our house, my husband would say to each of them, well, it started with the first one and then we had to adapt it a little bit. If all the children in all the worlds were lined up. And God said I could pick any one of them. I would choose you. So personally, choose yourself. It is so easy if you're especially if you're a caring person, or if you're in the middle of the stress of separation and divorce, to look out for other people. How are how are they doing? But remember, like on an airplane, when they say if we have the oxygen masks come down, put it on yourself first, right? And then the person you need to take for you need to choose self care. Yeah, choose yourself. And don't let anybody make you feel guilty about that. Because you are important, and you need to choose yourself.
• 9:46
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah, you should do. Absolutely. Yeah.
• 9:50
  Dea Irby: And if you want to add to that, to anyone listening, go for it about choosing No I
• 9:57
  Mardi Winder-Adams: think I think people get that every every call versation we have we focus on the fact that, you know, when you're going through divorce or separation, you have to take care of yourself. Because you can't make the decisions. You can't be there for your kids. You can't be there for your attorney, you can't make the right decisions. You have to be taking care of yourself. So I think I think if they've heard even one podcast person Sure so
• 10:21
  Dea Irby: well, you know, just like you can tell your kids all day long, something but somebody else totally other comes in to the exact same thing that come on. Guess what? Exactly. Absolutely. Maybe me saying it will be another voice.
• 10:37
  Mardi Winder-Adams: It's another voice. Absolutely.
• 10:40
  Dea Irby: Alright, what is the L? People want to know that they are loved? Yes. I haven't had anybody missed that one. Yay, we've got that one. So, in the workplace, loving your people means to offer them a secure and safe place where they can, you know, approach the leader and say, I think this is what's going on. And I think maybe we should consider this and the leader goes, I'll think about that. Thank you for coming instead of Oh, you don't know what your honor whatever, you know, yeah. Safe and secure. In the in a family. You know, you want to also love is unconditional. This is talking about unconditional love is not like oh, I love you so much. Look at well, you cleaned your room. Right is because love because it is in spider, in spite of the fact that yet again, you did it again. I'm gonna love you. Now we're gonna change the behavior. But I'm still going to love you. I may not like what you're doing, but I'm gonna love you. Well, guess what? You need to love yourself. Part of that is forgiving yourself. And accepting yourself. Including yourself. Show yourself some love and patience. And and just go to a spa. You need to? Yeah, whatever makes you feel loved. Then go do it. Yeah, it's sitting alone quiet. Having a cup of tea, Earl Grey. And then do that love on yourself. You're choosing to love on yourself.
• 12:38
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Love that great message. Absolutely.
• 12:41
  Dea Irby: What do you think the A stands for?
• 12:46
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Appreciate, accept, or accept? Or
• 12:53
  Dea Irby: sort of it does. say here's the thing. There are a lot of words that can work there. But I pick the one exactly. My answer. People want to know they're acknowledged.
• 13:08
  Unknown: That's a great one.
• 13:10
  Dea Irby: And it doesn't have to be complicated. One of the Marty one of the easiest, most cost efficient ways to acknowledge someone is what I just did. I used your name. Yeah. And subconsciously, when you hear someone say your name, it's reminding you that they're seeing you as an identity. Individual. They see that you exist, and they're identifying you. So when you acknowledge someone, and you can practice this, you're out shopping. Every time I'm in a store and somebody has a name tag on I always use their name. Yeah. And if they don't have a nametag on it's like, why are you in hiding? What's your name? So you know, Charles, I hope you have a great day, whatever. That's one way. cost efficient, cheap the other way, and people are so out of this because of so much screentime what the person in the eye when you're talking to them? Yeah. And if you're on a fun zoom, working the camera, yep. Find the camera. And so you can you are reaching out across to them. So when you see people they feel seen. People want to know that they're seen and that they're heard and that that empowers them. Right. So those are just some simple ways to acknowledge. And another way to acknowledge your stealth is consider I mean there's how many different personality types typings and all All the different. You can spend forever, but know yourself and say, Hey, I acknowledge that I need nine hours of sleep at night or nobody wants to be near me. I acknowledge that I'm a slow processor. So I'm going to be paced on a love on myself and give myself time to process this. I acknowledge that, that kind of situation triggers me. So I am going to lightly go to it or prepare myself, you know, acknowledge who you are and what you're about. And then honor you.
• 15:42
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Absolutely. And I love that one. I really do.
• 15:47
  Dea Irby: Okay, well, we love this one and this one, and we do I love all of it. Okay, I now I did cheat. There's two words, but they both start with an AI. People want to know that they are? Or how you make sure someone knows that their claims UI?
• 16:11
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Um I'm going I'm thinking something along the way line of independence or identity or? I don't know.
• 16:26
  Dea Irby: invested in?
• 16:28
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, invested in
• 16:31
  Dea Irby: and you can invest in someone with money. You can invest in someone with resources. But here's the one that is economical again. And effective time. Children spell love. T I M E. Yeah. So invest in yourself. With time, yep. Look at your calendar. Schedule out me time. Because you've chosen at yourself, and you're loving yourself, acknowledging your needs. So you are going to invest in yourself in what you need.
• 17:23
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah, that's, and that is so important. And I love that idea of investing in yourself. And like you said, it all kind of ties together with that airplane model, right? You gotta, you gotta be alive and thriving, to be able to do this, you know, to be able to support your kids or make any choices or just live your life with confidence. So I love this. So we I know the last one, I believe this one last time. It's two. It's two words to write Saravana actually,
• 17:55
  Dea Irby: two different phrases with three words, or a one word, which is really a summary. But I liked the first one with three words. And it's totally confused. You what? Yeah, what do you
• 18:12
  Mardi Winder-Adams: make yourself matter,
• 18:14
  Dea Irby: Matt? That's, you know, you're working on it. So I want to get to you. Made for greatness.
• 18:22
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Oh, yes, that's it. I remember that made for greatness. I remember that now. Yeah.
• 18:27
  Dea Irby: Now, because you're made for greatness, you also will make a difference. People want to know that what they're doing is making a difference in the workplace. If they're just a cog in the wheel, you need to make sure they know that if that cog wasn't there, the machine wouldn't work. Right? And in the family, but you matter. It boils down to people want to know, they matter if I didn't show up to work, or if I wasn't on the committee, or if I didn't contribute here, would they miss me? Do I really matter? And let me tell you, you do matter. And when I say made for greatness, I don't mean you're going to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Congratulations if you actually have or be on the cover of a magazine. What I mean is, you um, you are, you are different. With your passions, your skills, your talents, your abilities, your experiences. You are especially gift wrapped for the world. You that greatness must come to the world to make an impact. Because only you can be you. I like Judy Garland's quote, want to be a second rate version of someone else, when you can be a first right version of yourself.
• 19:51
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Exactly. And you never here's the thing that I am always amazed by and do I'm sure you have this experience with all the different groups that you You've worked in and supported and all the different people through your ministry and everything else. But one of the things that I've noticed is, when I do something that I think is really amazing for a client, I quite often get a thank you. Wow, that really helped me. And then, but it doesn't really be I thought, well, this is this is really helpful. That was okay. But then all of a sudden, something that was so minuscule to me that I didn't you know, that I kind of almost thought, well, this is just kind of an offhanded way to support somebody. It's like it's come back 1000 fold to me where people have said, I can't believe you helped me out of that trouble. Just being there, just supporting me just holding that space was phenomenal. So you don't really I don't think sometimes we know what our greatness is. So we just have to do the best we can when we need anybody. Because we never really know, when we're making that that greatness when we're making that difference in the world around us.
• 21:04
  Dea Irby: Totally true. If we are being if we are choosing ourselves and loving us, acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses, and our abilities, and investing in developing those strengths, we are going to make a difference because we are made for greatness. Yeah, I liken it to a jigsaw puzzle of the world. And you're one what just Oh, I'm just one piece. Well, guess what? It may sort of look like some of the other colors, it may almost look like the shape. But until you put your part in the picture of the whole world, it isn't complete. Right? Right. So you that is your greatness, bringing your part that just like you have had people say, I can't believe you made all this difference in my life, because you brought on whatever you every one of you listening or watching, you have a special gift to bring to the world. And you are made for greatness. And the world is waiting for you. Yeah,
• 22:17
  Mardi Winder-Adams: every experience you go through whether it's something difficult, like divorce separation, whether it's, you know, the death of a loved one or family member or friend, whether it's getting that big promotion, whether it's winning the Nobel Peace Prize, whether it's you know, I've got clients that are going back to get PhDs in their 60s and 70s, whatever that is, that is like I love that, that that is uniquely you. And it creates who you are and every experience you have makes you uniquely you. And you are made for greatness. So I love this. I really message. Yeah. So we have covered a whole bunch of stuff. And as usual, I say this in almost every podcast, I could just keep going on and on and on. Because you're so knowledgeable and you got such great insight about this. But what do you what would you like people to remember? I mean, it's been a short time we've had to chat today but do you what do you want people to remember when they turn off the podcast and go about their lives? What do you want kind of that earworm stuck in their heads about this conversation?
• 23:19
  Dea Irby: We belong there. I say that with me. We belong. Yeah, we belong. And so claim yourself because you're made for greatness
• 23:34
  Mardi Winder-Adams: and love that that is such a positive, positive and powerful message. So thanks for sharing that. DIA. If people want to find out more about what you do, or they want to connect with you have a have a one on one conversation or something with you. What's the best way to reach you
• 23:49
  Dea Irby: to schedule and I believe you're going to provide the link Yes, the chat now see, I had a tea room so it's not a coffee chat. It's a tea chat with dia, schedule it in. Let's have a little talk and find out you know how I can help you is there or I'll just listen. Which is an investment in someone. Then you know what? If you rearrange the letters of lesson the listen it spells, spells. No. Silent
• 24:24
  Mardi Winder-Adams: There you go. Love that. That's another little nugget. So people I'm going to encourage you if you are listening and you know if you're struggling with do you feel like you're belonging Do you feel like you're giving enough for yourself? Are you investing in yourself? are you acknowledging your needs are you loving yourself? All the great things that that dia has shared with us she is the expert on this the belonging mentor so thank you so much Dr. Really appreciated you coming on the podcast today. And everybody else I want you to make sure that you go out listen to this, give it a rating give it To review if you would, that would be really helpful and listening next week for another episode of the GI ship. Thanks for listening and supporting the day shift podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts. Join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www dot divorce coach for women and click on the podcast page.