Latest / The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson / The Things We Carry Longer Than We Need To.

Transcript

The Things We Carry Longer Than We Need To. · The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson

• 0:11
  Welcome to From the Park Bench. I've been thinking this morning about the things that we carry.
• 0:18
  Not the things we carry in our hands, but the things we carry inside us.
• 0:23
  Our old disappointments, expectations, regrets.
• 0:27
  The need to prove something. The need to be right. The need to be noticed.
• 0:34
  Sometimes we carry these things, you know, for so long that we don't even realize
• 0:38
  we're carrying them anymore. Right.
• 0:41
  They simply become a part of us. And what's interesting is not everything we carry looks heavy.
• 0:47
  Some things actually look quite successful from the outside.
• 0:50
  Achievement, recognition, praise, being admired, being the person who accomplishes things.
• 0:57
  Those things can, you know, feel pretty good.
• 1:00
  But sometimes, somewhere along the way, we begin carrying the belief that what
• 1:05
  we do only really matters if somebody else notices.
• 1:09
  When I was young, I was a runner, and I was pretty good. I remember one season when I went undefeated.
• 1:16
  Then, during my freshman year in college, I became the freshman record holder
• 1:20
  in cross country, and I loved it.
• 1:23
  I mean, I loved competing. I loved the discipline. I loved feeling strong. I loved winning.
• 1:30
  But when I look back now, I can see something else. I also loved people knowing that I had won.
• 1:36
  I wanted people to notice. I wanted recognition. I wanted the accomplishment
• 1:40
  announced through a loudspeaker.
• 1:43
  And there's nothing particularly wrong with that. We all want to be seen.
• 1:46
  We all want someone to say, good job, I'm proud of you. You did something that mattered.
• 1:52
  There's something deeply human about wanting recognition.
• 1:55
  But sometimes, a healthy desire to be seen quietly turns into something else.
• 2:01
  We begin needing other people to confirm that what we're doing has value.
• 2:05
  And we can carry that need for a very long time.
• 2:09
  As I sit here recording this podcast, if I put myself back into the body,
• 2:14
  you know, as a young runner back in my high school, early college years,
• 2:18
  it really felt good to win. I felt a sense of accomplishment, a rush.
• 2:23
  I wanted to know, did people notice? What would they say about me? How did I look?
• 2:27
  What would my, you know, coach say? My teammates I mean it felt good It felt
• 2:34
  good I can still remember those feelings.
• 2:38
  Many decades later, something happened that made me think differently about all of this.
• 2:44
  I'd been dealing with some back issues, and I hadn't really been able to jog,
• 2:47
  just jog, for nearly two years.
• 2:50
  Walking, yes. Jogging, running, running was different.
• 2:55
  Running, you see, had been part of my identity for a very long time.
• 2:59
  So one day I tried it again. Not a mile, not a race, not even five minutes, just 30 seconds.
• 3:07
  I jogged for just 30 seconds And then I walked And I tried another 30 seconds,
• 3:14
  And something happened during those little bursts of running For just a moment,
• 3:19
  For just a moment, I felt like a runner again I felt excitement I felt that
• 3:23
  feeling that I did years ago I felt confidence I felt movement I even felt possibility,
• 3:31
  There was something strangely familiar about it My body remembered Maybe some
• 3:36
  part of me remembered too I was happy,
• 3:40
  really happy But there was one enormous difference between the young runner
• 3:44
  and the person jogging for 30 seconds all those years later There was no loudspeaker,
• 3:51
  no finish line, no crowd, no record Nobody was watching me, nobody was keeping
• 3:56
  score and I didn't need them to.
• 4:00
  The 30 seconds mattered because I knew they mattered. And, you know,
• 4:04
  that was enough. That was enough.
• 4:09
  During that running of 30 seconds, I felt almost the same feeling when I was
• 4:14
  winning that race in cross country.
• 4:17
  The same feeling of, you know, moving my body. I felt one foot hitting the ground after another.
• 4:24
  I remembered what it was like to run.
• 4:27
  I said to myself, I'm running. Now, before I started to run,
• 4:32
  I was nervous when my back hurt, you know. And when I started to run,
• 4:37
  the form was terrible. I even forgot what to do with my feet.
• 4:42
  But as soon as I got into a little bit of a rhythm for just 30 seconds,
• 4:46
  the old feeling, you know, as a runner came back. And I could just, I could feel that.
• 4:53
  It was exciting. I felt alive. I felt young.
• 4:56
  So I've thought about that experience since then quite a bit.
• 4:59
  You know, when I was younger, Joy sometimes needed a loudspeaker.
• 5:03
  Now it could arrive as a whisper.
• 5:06
  And the whisper isn't really smaller. It may actually be deeper.
• 5:11
  Because I've learned slowly that something that I'd wish I'd understood, you know, much earlier.
• 5:17
  Not everything meaningful in our lives need an audience. Some things can belong entirely to us.
• 5:24
  You don't need someone to congratulate you for taking care of yourself.
• 5:28
  You don't need someone to notice that you're becoming kinder You don't need
• 5:32
  applause because you finally established a boundary you should have established
• 5:35
  years ago You don't need a promotion to prove you're good at what you do,
• 5:41
  You don't need likes or comments to make an idea worthwhile You don't need everyone
• 5:46
  to understand a decision For it to be the right decision for your life And maybe
• 5:51
  most importantly You don't need a promotion,
• 5:53
  You don't have to keep proving yourself to people who aren't even watching anymore.
• 5:59
  I wonder how often we do that. You know, we keep performing for an audience
• 6:02
  that has already left the room.
• 6:04
  Maybe it's a parent whose approval we wanted. A teacher who underestimated us.
• 6:10
  A boss who never recognized us.
• 6:13
  Someone who rejected us. Someone we wanted desperately to impress.
• 6:18
  Or maybe it's not even one person. Maybe we're performing for some imaginary
• 6:23
  audience we've constructed over a lifetime.
• 6:26
  Look at me. Look what I've accomplished. Look how successful I am. Look how busy I am.
• 6:33
  Look how important I am. Look how strong I am.
• 6:37
  Please tell me I matter. That's a lot to carry.
• 6:42
  And that's where this becomes about more than recognition. Because all of us
• 6:46
  carry things longer than we need to.
• 6:49
  How about you? Maybe you're carrying an old mistake. Maybe you're still angry
• 6:53
  about something somebody did 10 years ago.
• 6:57
  Maybe you're carrying an expectation that your parents had for you.
• 7:00
  Maybe you're carrying a definition of success that made sense when you were
• 7:04
  25, but doesn't make sense anymore.
• 7:08
  Maybe you're carrying an identity that once fit beautifully,
• 7:12
  but doesn't fit the person you've become.
• 7:14
  Maybe you're carrying guilt or resentment or the need to fix everybody.
• 7:20
  Or the belief that you always have to be productive, or strong, or useful.
• 7:26
  Sometimes we become so accustomed to carrying these things that we make,
• 7:31
  that, you know, we mistake them for ourselves.
• 7:33
  But they're not necessarily who we are. They're simply things we've been carrying.
• 7:39
  And if that's true, then maybe we could put some of them down.
• 7:43
  I think this matters in leadership, too. Because we bring whatever we're carrying,
• 7:49
  into the way that we lead others.
• 7:52
  If I need constant recognition, that need enters the room with me, always.
• 7:57
  If I need to prove that I'm the smartest person in the room, that enters, too.
• 8:02
  If I can't tolerate being wrong, people around me learn very quickly not to challenge me.
• 8:07
  If my identity depends on my title, then losing authority becomes frightening,
• 8:12
  And when leaders are frightened, they sometimes hold on even tighter Humanistic
• 8:16
  leadership begins with knowing ourselves well enough to recognize What belongs to the present,
• 8:23
  And what we're dragging behind us from the past That's difficult work But it's
• 8:28
  deeply human work Because leadership isn't about what we do to other people,
• 8:34
  It's about understanding what we bring with us When we enter the room,
• 8:39
  So here on the park bench this morning, I've been thinking about that young
• 8:43
  runner, the one who wanted the loudspeaker.
• 8:49
  I don't judge him. I'm actually quite fond of him as I think back. He was ambitious.
• 8:55
  He was competitive. He was disciplined.
• 9:00
  He wanted to accomplish something. He wanted the world to know.
• 9:06
  So there's nothing wrong with him.
• 9:08
  I don't need to reject who I was in order to become who I am You know,
• 9:12
  and that's important too Growing doesn't require us to criticize our younger selves,
• 9:17
  Maybe it seems, maybe it simply means, you know, thanking them,
• 9:21
  And deciding what we no longer need to carry forward The young runner,
• 9:26
  that young runner, taught me discipline He taught me persistence He taught me
• 9:31
  how wonderful it feels to move my body and discover what it can do,
• 9:35
  I'm going to keep all of that,
• 9:38
  But I don't need the loudspeaker anymore.
• 9:40
  I'll put that part down. And perhaps that's one of the gifts of becoming more
• 9:44
  comfortable with who we are.
• 9:46
  The world doesn't have to clap so loudly. 30 seconds can be enough.
• 9:53
  A quiet accomplishment can be enough. A private moment of pride can be enough.
• 9:59
  Sometimes even sitting on a park bench and realizing you've changed can be enough.
• 10:05
  So here's something to think about today What are you still carrying That you
• 10:10
  no longer need And maybe an even more interesting question.
• 10:16
  Who would you become If you finally put it down I'll leave you with that From
• 10:21
  the Park Bench Until next time.