Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 18. Surviving to Thriving: the foundations of self-care after separation

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18. Surviving to Thriving: the foundations of self-care after separation · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Perseparation Abuse podcast.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Today, we're going to talk about something infinitely more interesting than your controlling or abusive ex-partner.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Today, we're going to talk about you and your wellbeing, specifically, the fact that your wellbeing starts with you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: The reality is that no one cares more about your wellbeing than you do Not your friends, not your mum.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: You're the one that's living in your skin.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: You're the one that's living your life 100% of the time, and when it comes to making changes in your life for your benefit and for the benefit of your children, you're the only one that can do that and that can be overwhelming.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: So if taking back control of your wellbeing feels overwhelming, please know that that's normal.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: If you're not sure where to start in terms of looking after your wellbeing more than what you have been in the past, the number one recommendation that I give all women that I work with is to start with sleep.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: I know it sounds too simple to be true, but getting enough sleep is so important and it's one of the most overlooked things when it comes to our health and wellbeing.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: When you're a parent, you often have to make do with minimal sleep or with interrupted sleep.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Look, I get it, I've been there, I'm still there, I'm still with you in the trenches on this one.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I have four children, my youngest is five and you know, sometimes I have sleepless nights as well.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: And what I also know is that we're just not designed as human beings to function properly on minimal amounts of sleep consistently.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: And poor sleep can impact every aspect of our physical, emotional and psychological health in a negative way.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Every single system of our body can be impacted by sleep deprivation over time and understandably it can affect our mood.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: It can affect our ability to appropriately manage our emotions and our responses to things.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, like me, you've had days where you feel so tired that the slightest thing just feels like it's too much, that it's just hard to cope with even the most basic day to day tasks.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Linked with this lack of sleep dramatically impacts our resilience.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Little things that perhaps wouldn't normally rattle you or phase you can feel insurmountable when we're tired, when we're sleep deprived, we just can't show up in our life the way that we want to.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: When we're exhausted, we can't be there for our kids the way that they need us to be.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Again, I know that getting adequate sleep can be a real challenge, so it's important that you think about what you're currently doing with your sleep and make some changes if needed.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: One of the big things that some people really need to try doing is to keep the phone out of the bedroom or, at the very least, away from being beside the bed.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Now, I know that's not necessarily an option when your kids are in the care of the other parent.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Understandably, you may want to have your phone there and turned on in case something happens and your ex-partner needs to contact you.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: That's completely understandable.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: But when your kids are in your care, if you've got the phone beside the bed, it can be just far too tempting to check the time when you wake up, even potentially to scroll through social media if you wake up during the night, or if you're just simply having trouble dropping off to sleep at night.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: If you're using your phone to check the time, I strongly suggest that you look into getting a bedside clock, preferably one where the display is dimmable or perhaps where there's a button that you need to press in order for that display to come on.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: One of the reasons that I'm mentioning that is because the amount of light coming into your bedroom can also be a problem in terms of the quality of sleep that you're getting.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Most people sleep better when the room that we're in is fairly dark.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: In fact, not having a dark enough sleeping environment can affect levels of various hormones, and that can also impact the quality of our overall sleep.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Many sleep experts say that the optimum darkness for a bedroom is so that you're in bed, the lights are off, and if you were to hold your hand up in front of your face, ideally you shouldn't be able to clearly see your hand or even the outline of your hand.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Now, that's pretty dark.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure that my own bedroom gets quite that dark, but you get the idea.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: If you've got street lights nearby or right outside your home, or maybe you've just got blinds where there's some light coming in around the edges, this is where it can be important to think about potentially also installing some blockout drapes or curtains, even if you've already got roller blinds.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Roller blinds are notorious for allowing light in at the edges, so there are a couple of things to think about in terms of improving your sleep.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: It's also important to think about what time it is that you're going to bed of an evening.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: Are you staying up mindlessly scrolling social media or binging something, even though you know that you're feeling tired.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I know it can be a struggle, especially if you're hooked on a new show, but trust me, the benefits of getting a decent amount of sleep are worth it.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: If you're struggling with sleep because of intrusive negative thoughts maybe your thoughts are racing, you might be feeling a little bit stressed, your nervous system might be activated then it can be important to start thinking about doing some things to help you get a sense of felt safety.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: It's really normal if you've experienced family violence and if you're experiencing ongoing post separation abuse, it's very normal to feel on edge, even when we are actually physically safe.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: It's a real misconception to think that as soon as we're no longer under the same roof as an abusive ex partner, that we should just immediately start feeling better.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: But that's often not the case, at least not entirely.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Physical safety is only one part of the equation.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: It helps, but, as I'm often saying to a number of my clients, safety is not just the absence of threat.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Safety is also the presence of healthy connection.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Physical safety can involve knowing logically and also reminding ourselves that where we are right now is physically safe, but that understanding and acknowledgement of physical safety does not mean that our nervous system feels safe.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: So there's a difference between physical safety and felt safety, and removing the threat doesn't necessarily convey to our nervous system that we're safe, and this is something that I spend a bit of time working with clients on, in both one-on-one coaching and also in group coaching sessions as well.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: It's also covered in the online information and resource hub that I created for my coaching clients.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: So if this is something that you're struggling with intrusive thoughts and not feeling safe, even though you might physically be safe and intrusive negative thoughts this is where it can be important to reach out and to get some support.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And if this is something that you're struggling with, stay tuned to future episodes of this podcast, because I'll be exploring some of the different things that you can implement to help you manage intrusive negative thoughts and also managing your emotions, including managing your emotions when you're feeling triggered.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: So we've spoken here about sleep and the importance of sleep to our overall well-being.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: The next thing again, it's something pretty simple but often overlooked, and that's what we're eating, what we're putting into our body.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Again, you know I've got a busy family four kids.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I know it's difficult to spend time planning a meal, especially if not everybody is happy to eat the same thing.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: Doing the shopping, cooking a meal to ensure that you're getting the necessary nutrients, can sometimes seem like a hill that's just too hard to climb.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: But, just like with sleep, your diet is ultimately going to have an impact on every aspect of your body and your well-being, including, actually, the quality of your sleep.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: So it's important to do what you can, when you can Meal plan ahead of time, when you can.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Coming back to that element of time, you know, not feelings that we've got enough time to meal plan, not enough time to shop.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: I'm a firm believer in that.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: The things that we prioritize, the things that we truly believe are important, tend to be the things that ultimately, we make time for.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: It can be easy to say oh, you know, I don't have time for whatever the thing is.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Yet we might have spent an hour or more blindly scrolling social media, facebook, that sort of thing, as a way to disconnect and disassociate and to switch off.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: And this is where having an open and honest conversation with ourselves and honestly reflecting can be really helpful.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: If you're thinking that maybe you don't have time for meal planning, shopping in the preparation for those sorts of things, or even for doing what's needed to get better quality sleep.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I invite you to be open and honest with yourself about all of the ways in which you're spending your time and to hold yourself accountable as to whether or not there are things that you're giving your time to that are taking you away from things that you would prefer to be prioritising.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: And, again, the only one that can make these changes is you, and I know that it can be really, really hard when you're going through a stressful situation, such as a high conflict, separation, divorce or co-parenting situation, to make big changes.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: It can just feel like way too much, particularly if you're doing the majority of the parenting, but, as I mentioned at the start of this episode, no one cares more about your wellbeing than you do, and you're the only one that can make the necessary changes to improve your wellbeing.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Lastly, and again a really simple one hydration.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Drinking enough water is something that gets overlooked a lot.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Out of all the adults I know I think I'm the only one that regularly carries around a drink bottle for myself, and I've had a number of my friends comment on it.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I think it's pretty normal for kids to carry around a drink bottle.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Not many adults seem to, and yet I think we need to start this trend.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: If you're not someone who's carrying a drink bottle around, I highly recommend it.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: So get yourself a drink bottle, take it with you in the car, sit from it throughout the day, have it with you at your desk, keep yourself hydrated.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: These are the first three things that I want you to focus on in terms of your wellbeing, if that's something that you're struggling with on this journey.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: So slate landing and eating nutritious meals and hydration these are the three key things that you can start with, but once you've got those things in place, you will start feeling better.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Having those three key foundational things in place can then make other changes easier, can make some of the other inner work for example, the work that we can do on managing air emotions and the things that trigger air emotions Having those foundational things in place can make it a lot easier for us to navigate some other more challenging things.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: If you're someone who's already on top of quality slope quality nutrition and quality hydration fantastic.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Please stay tuned to the other episodes going forward, because I guarantee that there'll be something in those for you.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Remember your wellbeing is more important to you than to anyone else, and no one cares more about your wellbeing than you do.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: It can be hard to look after yourself, but it's important that we also remember that looking after ourselves is also important for our kids, in the same way that airplane safety messages tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, then on our kids.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: You know this is very similar to separation, divorce and co-parenting journeys.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: We need to be filling our own cups in order to have something left to give you.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Looking after yourself isn't just important for you feeling okay, but it's also going to help ensure that you've got something left to give your kids Baby steps.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Pick one thing to focus on this week and start there, and I invite you to join me later this week as I dive a bit deeper into the topic of wellbeing and mindset when you're navigating a conflictual separation or co-parenting situation.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your time.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.