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Transcript

Choose Your Hard: A Tactical System to Defend Your Kid’s Brain · The Parent Tap

0:00
SPEAKER_00: And we wonder why we get stuck and we don't do things.
0:03
SPEAKER_00: Needs to be outside yourself.
0:04
SPEAKER_00: If you think you can do it, it's not a goal, right?
0:06
SPEAKER_00: I didn't think I could do the death race.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, this is I'm not going to finish.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: But I went out there to strip away the level of comfort, strip away all the excuses, and to see who I was on the on a mountain in Vermont, sub-freezing weather at three in the morning.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: That's when you find out who you really are.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: That clip, that's a guy who spent 7,500 sessions in the therapy chair and supervised kids in drug and gang units before they hit high school.
0:33
SPEAKER_01: He built the frameworks.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: He raised five kids under six while training for a race designed to break you.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: So when he tells you what a screen is doing to your kids' brain right now, you don't get to look away.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm Ryan.
0:45
SPEAKER_01: This is a parent's hap.
0:46
SPEAKER_01: The threats are real.
0:47
SPEAKER_01: Defend the kids.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: Every parent I know feels the same thing in their gut, but can't name it.
0:54
SPEAKER_01: That's the problem.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: You can't fight a threat you can't define.
0:57
SPEAKER_01: Larry Freeney can define it.
0:58
SPEAKER_01: License, counselor, supervisor, PhD, 300 plus psych assessments, and my favorite part, a data five who trains for the Spartan death race before he leaves the house.
1:09
SPEAKER_01: We're going to audit exactly what screens do, why fixing one bad habit makes three worse, and the day one system you run tonight.
1:16
SPEAKER_01: So 7,500 sessions.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: Is that right?
1:21
SPEAKER_00: It's actually probably on the low side for uh counseling, for coaching.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: Uh this can be mental health counseling, financial counseling, personal development coaching, just being basically, these are basically 8,000 hours of being one-to-one with somebody, typically in their most vulnerable.
1:38
SPEAKER_01: That's powerful.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: So, with all those sessions, what do you think people get wrong about kids?
1:43
SPEAKER_00: So I always say that this is something I want to see, Arate by Brian Johnson.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: So I love that book.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: It's a compilation of just a lot of ancient wisdom science.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: We talked and I've taken this that our blessings leave crumbs.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: I think people get wrong uh about kids is they expect kids to be little adults, they expect kids to be neat, they expect the house to be clean.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: I have five kids that are six and under.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: And uh my wife and I are already talking about number six, and it's and people expect it now.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Once you have five kids, they expect number six.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: And uh it's wild.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: My wife has been pregnant every year since 2015.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: But I think that they miss out on the messiness that is kids.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: So in that inherent messiness is creativity.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: I think because many of us have gone to jobs and we have responsibilities, but the creativeness or the play has been crushed out of us or what is it, reinforced out of us.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: But with kids, that messiness is a sign that your house is lived in.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: That mess sign that you know there's activity, there's life in your house.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Now, would I like to have a clean house?
2:47
SPEAKER_00: Yes, but what does that clean house mean?
2:49
SPEAKER_00: That means that no one's playing, no one's having fun, right?
2:52
SPEAKER_00: It's great for looks, but for practicality, it's not so my car is always a mess.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: Even then I clean it up, and two days later it's a mess again.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: There's play-doh, and I don't know where they got the play-doh, but it's somewhere.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: But it's hard to see what a joy and what a treasure children are, but we're missing it.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I hate crumbs in my bed.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: It's like my biggest, my number one pet peeve in my crumbs.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: And I'll come into my room and I'll just see like three of my kids just eating in my bed.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what are you doing?
3:20
SPEAKER_00: We were hungry.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: And I know later that night when I go to bed that I'm gonna lay down and there's gonna be crumbs everywhere, I'm gonna be upset.
3:25
SPEAKER_00: But that becomes it becomes my trigger to be grateful.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Say, hey, you know what?
3:31
SPEAKER_00: There are parents out there who have recently lost a kid.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: I know this 4th of July weekend, we had a drowning here in the four-year-old.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: And so there are parents who would literally give anything, who would kill for their kid to leave crumbs in their bed right now.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: So for me, that's that reverse hey, you know, while this is annoying, right?
3:50
SPEAKER_00: It's how blessed I truly am and what I'm able to have that many people sometimes that I can take for granted.
3:57
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: I the drownings are just the worst, man.
4:00
SPEAKER_01: I live in Arizona.
4:01
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, pools are popular and a lot of people don't have gates, and so it happens a lot where kids will drown.
4:07
SPEAKER_01: And so I grew up being kind of conditioned to the news of like that's just this is just what happens.
4:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, it it's it's man, when you put it like that, it's like, yeah, but I have two kids under five as well.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: So not as many.
4:20
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the club.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: The kids, man.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: There's still time.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: No.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: I can't, I can only handle so much.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: My four-year-old's neurodivergent.
4:28
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, we have it, we have our challenges there, and our two-year-old is he just hit two, so terrible twos, as you know, is like yeah, I you know, so I feel like five, you know, you know, going from one to two, I'm like, man, that was a huge step up, but going from two to five, I can't even imagine or six, man.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: I gotta give you props.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: It's really the thing.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, remember, when you had the first one, the first one was possible because now you couldn't just go to sleep when you wanted to, you couldn't wake up when you wanted to, right?
4:54
SPEAKER_00: You were beholden into it.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: Then when you go to two, right, now you really can't take turns anymore.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, you watch the kid while I go do whatever, and we take turns, right?
5:02
SPEAKER_00: Now it's oh, I have one, you have one.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: When you get to three, three expands your capacity, right?
5:08
SPEAKER_00: So if you think about jumping from where you are right now to five, of course, that would have killed me.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: But it expands now, it's you're playing zones.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: So, all right, here's the offense and here's the defense.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: When you get to four, it's three is a vacation.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Like you're like, oh, why was I ever complaining about three?
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Then when you get to four, four and anything above four is basically the same.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be the same level.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: But now your older ones can help out a little bit.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: So it's not complete chaos.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: They can do a little bit for their own.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: Now, if you had like a Quintupl Dang.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, that's so true.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: When you for when you have that first one and it arrives and the nurses aren't coming home with you, you're like, wait, what?
5:44
SPEAKER_01: Like this, it did seem impossible.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: The sleepless nights, the not sure if the kid's okay.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, you're like, Oh, please stop crying.
5:50
SPEAKER_01: And then once they stop crying, it's like, wait, is something wrong?
5:54
SPEAKER_01: That was my internal instinct, was like, wait, please start crying again, because I I need to know you're okay.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: And then, like, you know, just going from that to then two, and it's like now it's just like the kids are crying, and I'm like, whatever, like that's what they do.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: Um, I agree with that.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: And going back to your creativity thing, I just wanted to say, man, my daughter is so creative, like, she'll take the craziest stuff.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: She's neurodivergent, so she's a little quirky, but man, she she takes band-aids and and does art on her wall and like floss, like she took floss from the bathroom, and she's all like naked artwork last night.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Dad, do you have glue sticks or tape?
6:30
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, honey, like I put you to bed two hours ago, you know, like go to bed.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's just so funny.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: The creativity and like the childlike wonder that they bring is awesome.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: Because, like you said, the world stifled us, stifles us.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: The world wants us to work nine to five and just be robotic and these drones, and you know, like it's awesome to have that where it's like reminded that we still have some child in us and to get to do that, to get to play with our kids, to get to embrace, like you said, the chaos them best and not be so freaked out about crumbs in the bed, or you know, there's stuff that I can obviously can't say, you know, like uh juice on the couch, red juice spilled all over the couch, or whatever, you know, stuff like that, where it's like 10 years ago that would have drove me absolutely nuts, and now I'm just like it is what it is, you know?
7:19
SPEAKER_01: Like, what do you do about it?
7:21
SPEAKER_00: I have been baptized in all the body bodily fluids, and uh my wife, I don't yeah, dude, that's hilarious.
7:29
SPEAKER_01: I want to get in something a little bit more serious.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: Like you, you it says you supervised juvenile drug and gang units.
7:34
SPEAKER_01: Just curious, like how young were the kids in that experience of yours, and you know, when did that slide start happening for these kids?
7:43
SPEAKER_00: Like these black dress shoes, like, oh hey chief, what you going to church?
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Going to church, chief, right?
7:49
SPEAKER_00: With the church shoes?
7:50
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, here we go.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: That were in there outside, like in the as I called it in the free.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: And so there was an in-house hit on the member.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: That's a life choice.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: That's a life choice.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: But really, it's when you stop seeing them as environment and start seeing them, right?
8:07
SPEAKER_00: What do they want?
8:08
SPEAKER_00: Everybody wants to what seek pleasure and avoid pain at the basic level, right?
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Um, but then we have to teach them about meaning in life and striving for other things.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Two of the kids in there, they're I remember they were twins, and their uncles were in prison, their kids was in prison, their dad was in prison, and so that was their whole life purpose was to go to prison, like their family.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: That was just the thing.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: And like, chief, we're in here.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, this is the pen, this is the play pen, right?
8:33
SPEAKER_00: They still give you food in here and they still make sure you do all these things, and but really it's just that mindset, right?
8:38
SPEAKER_00: It was creative.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: So if we look at neuro neuroscience, it shows us that our brains are a product of what we do.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: So they had created a brain that was adapted towards this this life.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: But really, I got to that got to hear their stories, right?
8:52
SPEAKER_00: It was eye-opening, but it was changing, right?
8:54
SPEAKER_00: It was something that I intimately became familiar with because I saw these kids every day, right?
8:59
SPEAKER_00: I got to experience, no, not firsthand, but through their experience.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude, that's a crazy experience.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: And like I I love how you brought us through that, like a walk in your life, uh, you know, visualization of uh how you deal with that.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: Because coming in day one, like I think I would be free.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: I I wanted to be a probation officer a long time ago, and I tried to do it.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: And so, like me thinking about coming in day one, you know, dressed up in this suit or whatever with the shoes and you know, them calling you chief, and you know, are you going to church and all that?
9:28
SPEAKER_01: Like, that would have rattled me for sure, like back when I was younger.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: Now, you know, being 40, like I'm not as rattled as easy, but man, that's I I could see but developing that relationship with the kids is cool too, because I was a middle school teacher, and so like some I I can understand some of those concepts, like you kind of want to develop that rapport and whatever, and it's like you get a lot more buy-in with the students or you know, your clientele back in the day when you when you kind of have that relationship and it's like okay, you can kind of set them on the right path.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of those kids back then would be like, I'm just gonna work at McDonald's, I don't care about my grades, or I'm gonna be a YouTuber, you know, like it's not that easy to be a YouTuber, trust me.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm struggling over here.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: Something you just reminded me.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: So let me tell you about the importance of relationships.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: So we had uh one day, because they'll test you, right?
10:16
SPEAKER_00: They'll try to take your food and they'll see they're gonna see what you're gonna do.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: And I remember one day they're like, hey chief, because there's there's 12 of them.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: They're like, Who's you right now?
10:23
SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's a great question.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: I've had 20, I think at this time it was 17 years or something of marketing experience.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, all right, so there's a lot of you, there's 10.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: So the first one I hit, I'm gonna break your jaw.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: That's the first thing that's gonna happen.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna break your jaw and I'll make sure I'm gonna get someone else.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: And so you probably will get me at the end because there's 10 of you, but I promise you, I'm taking at least four or five of you with me, right?
10:44
SPEAKER_00: And there's gonna be broken bones and there's gonna be blood, and you're not gonna like it.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, okay, Chief.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: So you can try, but I'm totally.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: And I, you know, in some way, you know, obviously I wasn't in that arena, but the middle some of the middle schoolers I worked with were heading that way, so like I can kind of relate to that where I was like trying to set them on the right path and like getting getting into that mindset of like you don't have to work at McDonald's, like back before AI took all the McDonald's jobs, but you know, like you could be whatever you want to be, you know, like it doesn't you're you're so young, you know, at that age.
11:14
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, man, that that's awesome.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: I wanted to get into because I was reading a lot about your profile about screen time and like the phys the psych physical damage, I should say, the screen psychology, like what's it doing to kids' brains, and how do you deal with that with with the with the house of five kids running around right now and maybe six in the future?
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so screen time, uh especially will definitely damage the brain because it teaches your kids tunnel vision, right?
11:42
SPEAKER_00: So there's this idea where everything else is the periphery is pay attention to people who are on their phones, right?
11:48
SPEAKER_00: They're ignoring everything, they're focused on tunnel vision on their phone.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: So basically, it the there's a thing called Hebb's law that wired together, wired together.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: So the more you do this, what you do?
11:59
SPEAKER_00: You create a brain that's adapted towards zoning out to ignoring what's around you.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: And that not only could be a safety issue if things are happening, right?
12:07
SPEAKER_00: You're not paying attention to it.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: But that's why I don't let any, like anytime my kids are near water, I'm like, it's it's because we get soaked up on our phone and kids drown silently, right?
12:16
SPEAKER_00: They don't, it's not this loud like you see in the movie, it's and that's it.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: You see bubbles and that's it.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: But if you're not paying attention, it's so easy for that to happen.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: So what happens with the kids is they're the dopamine receptors in their brain gets hijacked.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: And basically it's like a slot machine, especially with reels.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: So for my own kids watch TV, I don't mind them watching TV, but I have the screen meal.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: So you have this meal that's being prepared, thank Thanksgiving.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: So all the fixings, everything you could want, but you can't wait, you're impulsive.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna eat the stale leftover uh pizza crust from last night.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Now, your stomach will get full, but it's not gonna be nourishing for you, right?
12:52
SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna have that social relational as well.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what's happening.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: So we're finding kids are having difficulty not only with attention, but with focus and socialization because they're not used to looking at faces.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: So when my oldest daughter was born, this was during like she was born right before COVID, but even during this time, we sat in areas where I wouldn't wear a mask all the time because I wanted her to see my face, because seeing my face and seeing my mouth is important.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't gonna risk that.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: I had a friend who they freaked out during COVID and they were wearing a mask all the time, and their kid had speech delays and wasn't able to like socialization also tainked because they weren't able to pick up on those cues that would they would learn during those critical periods of their life.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I wonder about that too, because my daughter was 2021, she was born, and you know, obviously it was still a thing in the hospital, and like you can't have visitors, and it was it was a weird time to have a birth because it's like you know, you see in the movies of like all the families there waiting for you know the kid, and you know, and it's like it wasn't like that at all.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: It was like, you know, no visitors and like very isolated experience, but man, you know, getting back to that screen time.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: So I noticed that with my kids, they'll want my phone, they'll want my tablet.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: Like when I have the big TV, you know, we have big TVs, 85 inch, 100 inch, 130.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: Like I'm a TV guy, like I like my stuff.
14:11
SPEAKER_01: So we got big TVs, you know, and they're good and whatnot, but they would prefer that device, that seven-inch phone over that.
14:19
SPEAKER_01: And so that that explains why, because they kind of like you said, they get that instant dopamine and it's like they're in that way.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: And they can control it, they control it.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: That's the key.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: And it's like the slot machine.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: This isn't doing enough for me.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: So, oh, maybe the next one will.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: Oh, maybe the next one will.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: Ooh, maybe so, right there, basically, our kids are becoming drug addicts, and the drug is and how early do you think that that damage will start for kids?
14:44
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's the earlier they're on the screen, the worse it is because they're not learning their skills.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: So once you have the foundation, so for me, you know, social media really didn't start like the first social media for me, I was in like sixth grade, I was in middle school.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: So I've already socialized, had these things.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't really this detriment.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: But many of our kids, they never existed before YouTube, right?
15:03
SPEAKER_00: They don't exist before social media.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: That was always around for them.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of times they get plugged in and it damages their ability to socialize with other people.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: So nowadays you have trying to hire, what is it, Gen Z?
15:14
SPEAKER_00: Many of them don't have they can't look you in the eye, they can't have a conversation with you.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: And many times they'll go out and they'll and this is what they're called the chronically have to have.
15:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, go put band-aids on the wall like my kids do or something.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:30
SPEAKER_01: So what what do you think like parents should do to stop that screen slide?
15:33
SPEAKER_01: Because like, you know, in my house, I'll be honest, I might my son was home the last two days, had to cancel podcasts.
15:40
SPEAKER_01: Uh I just got laid off two weeks ago.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: So I'm kind of in the throes of trying to find work and get in the pot, like all this stuff.
15:47
SPEAKER_01: So, like, not that I'm people think when you're laid off, like you just sit around all day, like, I'm working harder than I did when I had a nine to five right now.
15:54
SPEAKER_01: But it's like, you know, I had my kids, so like I'll be honest, I gave him my phone a bunch of the day because I was like, I don't know what else to do because he he gets bored of the screen and it's like I don't know how to handle it, or when we're going on like a long car ride, obviously we give them their tablets because it's like it keeps them quiet and we're not like dealing with the the screaming, and you know, you have a whole gaggle of people in your in your uh van or car, whatever your situation is.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: But you're like, how do you what's your system at home that people could copy from?
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Here's the system, right?
16:22
SPEAKER_00: So there's a book and it it succinctly like experiences this.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: When you choose hard, you live easy.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: When you choose the hard life, when you choose the hard thing, easy.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: When you choose the easy route, life will be hard.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: So for instance, potty training my kids, right?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: So my oldest daughter was a whole thing, right?
16:39
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you don't want to have to like deal with it like, all right, let me just wipe the butt and I'm good.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: But it'll take you a few days for them to get it down, and then you don't have to wipe their butt anymore.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: So look at all the butts you save from having to wipe because you sat down and you did the hard work.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: So we the only time my daughter is allowed to bring her tablet in the car, she doesn't even have a tablet, but she'll use the tablet to play.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: There's a game that is it's basically like jump start first grade.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: So she's about to go in the first grade, and so it has math pro games and word games, things like this that are educational.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: So that's what I'll let her calculate for my photo.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: If you want to complain, just because they're you're growing up, it's easy to get to you know pacify them with that.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: We want to, so sometimes I'll use it.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Hey, you want to watch the tablet?
17:26
SPEAKER_00: I get it, right?
17:26
SPEAKER_00: It's we're it's right, we can't keep them safe from all tablets and all phones.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: So now I need to go clean your room first.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: Once you clean your room, right?
17:33
SPEAKER_00: You turn into an uh thing is that you don't want to take away the tablet, you don't want to give the tablet.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: They earn the tablet.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: So you want to give the autonomy to them.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: Hey, you want more tablet time?
17:43
SPEAKER_00: All right, you know what you can do, sweep the kitchen.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Of course, age appropriate stuff, but pick up your toys, make your bed, take your dirty clothes over here, things that they could do, brush your teeth, right?
17:52
SPEAKER_00: And then you get 15 minutes of tablet time.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: So don't make it like an hour, just make it boom, and then go do something else.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: And then you want to earn some more.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: This is what we do.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: So if it's something that's valuable to them, okay, make it so that they have to earn it by doing these things.
18:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's brilliant.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: That's gonna change the game at my house.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: And I know viewers out there, this is a huge thing, dealing with kids and in the technology technological age that we're in.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: Um it's a hard thing.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: Like, and it reminds me of Cody Sanchez.
18:58
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know who she is, but she's a big YouTuber and she always says, like, choose your hard.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: Like being uh, you know, being poor is hard, being sad is hard, right?
19:07
SPEAKER_01: Like you gotta choose your hard, right?
19:09
SPEAKER_01: Like, are you gonna go to fast food because you know you're you don't want to cook tonight, but it's like you're gonna pay for it later, right?
19:15
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Because it's they're setting yourself up for actually choose hard in all things.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: That's why we have five kids.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Because when you have five kids and you're dealing with chaos all the time, when external chaos happens, like you you're a par for the course.
19:29
SPEAKER_00: You've already trained for this.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: When I did the Spartan Winter Death race, I was like, I got five, this is nothing, right?
19:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, of course, the winter death race did kick my butt.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: I got hypothermia and frostbite.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: But outside stream endurance events, right?
19:40
SPEAKER_00: Having five kids will train you.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: So it's really looking for the difficult because laziness and fear in the life that you could live, right?
19:50
SPEAKER_00: From becoming the best parent you could be, the best spouse you could be, the best version of yourself that you could be, is gonna be fear and laziness.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Fear that it's not gonna work out, fear that's whatever that may be, and this laziness goes, Oh, I don't feel like it.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: So I'll do it tomorrow, right?
20:02
SPEAKER_00: And tomorrow turns it next week, turns into next month, and pretty soon you haven't been to a gym in three years.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's me.
20:10
SPEAKER_01: I went from being a runner, having a running YouTuber, uh YouTube channel, doing it every day, and then we moved to Phoenix where it's hot.
20:18
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to run anymore.
20:20
SPEAKER_01: You know, moving, getting everything set up.
20:22
SPEAKER_01: Like it you before you know it, I'm like, what the hell?
20:24
SPEAKER_01: I gained 30 pounds and like I don't have the drive to do it anymore.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: I got a treadmill, you can't see it, a treadmill right over here on the side.
20:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, I have no excuse.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: I just kind of got out of the routine, so it's like I gotta get back.
20:35
SPEAKER_01: It's harder, like it feels feels like for me, it's harder to jump back into that routine rather than just keep be consistent, stay inside that system.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: And once you get out of it, it's like so hard to restart.
20:45
SPEAKER_01: Man, that's a 70-hour race.
20:47
SPEAKER_01: Am I looking that up, right?
20:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 70.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: Which is God.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: I just ran a half marathon.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: I thought it was like I was like the coolest guy in the world, and now you're oh shoot, I guess I'm not that cool.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh, comparison as a robber.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: You can say that, but then you know, there's David Goggins running the Moabo.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, there's always gonna be someone better than you, and so that's really the aspect of gratitude.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I have to say that it's gratitude, but I mean it's not not like there's this never this sense of enough.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: Be grateful for you or what you've done, but more that I can do, right?
21:19
SPEAKER_00: I finished a half marathon, so what's the marathon, right?
21:22
SPEAKER_00: It's typically gonna be what laziness or fear.
21:24
SPEAKER_00: And then that's why when I first sparked an ultra, I did I ran it in 2023, right after I finished my doctorate, and I didn't train for it, right?
21:32
SPEAKER_00: I didn't I didn't do any running.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: I think the most I ran up to that point was like six miles, and uh because I figured if you train for something, you should be able to do it.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to see what everyday Larry kept wrong.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: The fact that I do this holding myself back, right?
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Where else is my parenting?
21:49
SPEAKER_00: Where else am I relationship with my wife?
21:51
SPEAKER_00: Where else in my um and my job, my career, but also who I am as a person.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: So, really, when you do everything, you get to see if you've been the best life that I can for my kids to show them that hey, not everything in life is possible, but a lot of things are.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: And so if you really want it, because even if you fail, as Hel Elrod says in his book, The Miracle Equation, it's not about achieving the goal.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: That is a byproduct.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: The real goal of a goal, the real purpose of a goal is who you become in that pursuit.
22:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's like it transcends, you know, like for instance, if I can go out and run a 10K or whatever, like I feel I would I'm like, oh man, I can go have a successful business or I could be a better husband or a better dad, or like it's like it's crazy, but it's like it like it transcends through different.
22:39
SPEAKER_01: categories of our life if we can like you said if we can accomplish that hard if we can be disciplined like how are you how are you that disciplined though like because I like or how do you have that much time because like you have such a you know you you do well like obviously you're a very accomplished person and you had a you had a household of kids and like so I guess that's one of the questions I have for you is like how do you establish that discipline keep that consistency then also find the time to keep doing it when life gets crazy.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah so I have a daily structure that I follow.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: It as you're saying it wasn't just built overnight.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: It's slowly surely and I'm not perfect about it.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Best shape of my life a few months ago but then we had our fifth kid and if you go to the hospital your whole routine gets thrown off and now it's like how do you navigate having five kids and oh and so you know I fell off and then I got back oh there's this times of you're gonna have those those seasons where you're not as active those seasons where okay I need this season to recover I need this season to rest and here's my time okay I did that now it's time to get back on uh get back on the on the treadmill and really that helps me one of the best things that you can do is set a a weekly kind of sketch what's coming up Monday through Friday what is what are besides there how am I connecting how am I growing and how I'm contributing I call it the big three.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: So how am I growing mentally physically emotionally spiritually how am I connecting like a deep nourishing connection with others the loved ones in my life and then how am I contributing my time my talent and my treasure and what are the the big goals of so the purpose of the structure isn't to rob freedom but is to give you more freedom because when you have too many options what do we do an paralysis we don't do anything.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: If I was to say all right Ryan today you're gonna go run and you're like okay how much am I running right if I say hey you're gonna go walk around your block for 15 minutes okay yeah I can do that it's actionable it's small and then once you can do that consistently then we'll add more we'll add more and add more pretty soon you're running six miles a day.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Now if I told you to go run six miles right now you'd probably be like maybe not ten out right now you know it's I'm right next in Houston so we're right there is already of course you know oh what about this but you like you said you have a treadmill that's in the house right so the laziness or the fear is what's going to stop you.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: So one thing here that's why you have to do the smallest simplest step so easy that you can't do it.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: As Jordan Peterson says anything worth doing is worth doing poorly right so get out there and do it poorly.
25:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah and that's I think that's my biggest challenge is stop like you said getting like you we go through these seasons we get out of our routine our structure our we we lose our body type so to speak I at least I do and like I'm I'm embarrassed almost like nobody's around on my turn I'm embarrassed to get back on and be like oh man I can only do like 20 minute incline right now because again I go back to my days where I could do a 10k daily I did a 10k daily and it was like okay now I can barely walk 20 30 minutes.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: It's just like like kind of like shameful but it's like you kind of got to get past that to like get back into your routine but I don't know why I just I feel like oh crap I suck at this I'm done well the good news is the good news is that person is already within you you just have to remember who that person is and um in my coaching practice I call this the hydra of half living I'm not gonna jump too much into it but it's basically the seven headed enemy that stops you from doing it.
26:05
SPEAKER_00: And one of them is the whisper right the whisper is like man you can't even run a 10k anymore right what it does is it lives in our head red free right it sounds like our voice it sounds like prudence it sounds like you know we've discerned it's really hot outside.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: So I'm taking care of myself by not doing this right and we live it as if it's the truth.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: And uh so one of the things at is if you've done something before is in your body right you just have to do the things to get start small.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: So if you can only do a 20 minute incline there's a lot of people who can't do that right so comparison is the robber of joy.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: So start where you're at and then keep going it's like the death race.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: Death race is it's not really a race it's more of an endurance event.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: Everybody starts a different place and the thing is you never know what's coming right you never jump in this frozen we're gonna have to cut through a frozen lake with our axes wave through it and get our bibs that are in the middle of the frozen lake.
27:01
SPEAKER_01: Amen brother I'm glad I had you on because now I feel very motivated to get going and get myself back on the horse because that whisper man it transcends across every category of my life where it's like there's that little bit of that little seed of doubt of you can't do this because you haven't done it before or you can't do this because you did it two years ago and now you're fat or whatever.
27:21
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean that's it's so mean.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: It's so damn mean like I've never had someone talk to me that way and accept it but when I do it it's like it must be true because it's so interesting and then the other six heads they work together and it becomes this you know this whole onslaught right so we wonder why we get stuck and we don't do things.
27:39
SPEAKER_00: But like I said it's the first step, right?
27:41
SPEAKER_00: That's why we need that that oh okay I did this okay we have that success that victory okay all right I'm gonna go do that.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: All right and I always say when you're setting goals I want you to set a goal that you feel like you can't do needs to be outside yourself.
27:54
SPEAKER_00: If you think you can do it it's not a goal right I didn't think I could do the death race.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: I was like no this is I'm not gonna finish but I went out there to strip away the the level of comfort strip away all the excuses and to see who I was on the on a mountain in Vermont sub-freezing weather weather at three in the morning that's when you find out who you really are yeah definitely man that's awesome I got goosebumps right now I'm motivated I I'm ready to go man I'm definitely gonna have to have you back sometime because there's so much more we didn't get to but this is like awesome definitely one of the best guests I've ever had and can you tell the good the audience right now about choose fully alive your podcast the website all the stuff you have to offer and where people can find you yeah so uh one of the best ways to find me is go to choosefullyalive.com and there I have an assessment where you can scroll down and it'll tell you based on your different life domains which life domain you can learn about accountability.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: Motivation as you do right now Ryan the motivation is great but the motivation will fade well we have to have the tandem of motivation and discipline.
28:59
SPEAKER_00: So I help with that because there's nothing like because you're gonna go see the teacher tomorrow assess.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: But yeah and there's a book coming out and it's called the code of the unreasonable life which takes this and it's basically a handbook so that you can read and I want each chapter to be about 50 so it's like 1% of your day.
29:15
SPEAKER_00: So if you can devote 1% of your day to the book and the practices within it then you can start building that slow system that will then become this gym.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: I love that scaffolding approach because I I'm an education and instructional designer and so that's how I you know structure my lessons too is I try to make it manageable and chunk it.
29:33
SPEAKER_01: And so I get overwhelmed by books to be honest with you.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm not a reader but knowing that you can dedicate 15 minutes a day and get a lot out of it like that to me that's enticing.
29:44
SPEAKER_01: That's right up my alley and so when that book comes out buddy Dr.
29:48
SPEAKER_01: Larry uh Freeney you'll have to you'll I'm like I'll talk to you you have a PhD and I'm I'm calling you buddy I'm sorry.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: But no like I uh I am uh yeah no when you when that book comes out I should say like please come back let's promote it let's let's get it out there if you have any uh promotional thing you want to do for the viewers or whatever let me know um I'm not sure how far how far away is that book from launching uh it should be published in 2027 so I'll let you know we want to talk about the consistency so I've written this book like four times now and then like there's another head of the hydra in there um the saboteur self-sabotage but that's why I want to break it down all right let's make it simple let's get it out there right yeah done is better than perfect yeah yeah yeah so working on that like I said and taking on these coaching clients and all the other crazy things that I do actually if all goes according to plan so we'll we'll see I made it to the third round of a TEDx talk um and so I'll be giving a talk on the hydro of half living and hopefully that'll be all go well right now we'll see if it's good enough to make it to the the final round.
30:49
SPEAKER_01: Wow that dude you got a lot of awesome stuff in the works I I honestly can't wait to follow along from the sidelines and and uh you know I feel like your services would be beneficial for me personally but I know a lot of viewers out there too so we're gonna stay in touch obviously probably have you go back if you would come back next year when your book launches that'd be great and then let me know about uh developments and things like that going on so I can plug it out there of the viewers as well.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: I think that this you know I've already said it but definitely one of the better interviews I've had and I'm motivated I'm gonna go get on that treadmill now and I'm gonna, you know, next year is going to be a marathon not half marathon a marathon and so I'm working my way up to the death race uh before I die but uh I don't think I actually I will but I don't have I don't have the mental fortitude that you have that sounds like something I'd like I'd watch on like naked and afraid or something like that where I'm like oh I can't imagine being one of those people but and couldn't say a word so it was uh it's intense but the whole thing is is not you're not chances are you're not gonna finish the purpose is to that's how you build the mental forward doing hard stuff yeah that'd be doing the yeah so don't go in there thinking like oh I'm not gonna finish so I shouldn't sign up no sign up true made of and the next time push yourself they haven't finished yet but they keep coming back every winter every summer to put themselves through hell truly made of dude it's awesome I think I'm gonna title this uh so you said something about wiping butts like stop wiping butts yeah but like that's such a good that's such a good like title and short and like your kids can watch that short that'll be funny anyways man I appreciate y'all the words of wisdom here the motivation the guidance from having you know five kids and you know it sounds like you're going for six right now so congratulations on that in advance and there you go what okay so who watches your kids and all that I know we're way over and I'm sorry about that because you're busy but yeah no and my uh watches are younger ones because oh right now um during the day and so we have family but like I said it's still a struggle we make it work and uh you know the reason that I do is what I do is to inspire people and to motivate people right to help others not just live that reasonable life but to live the unreasonable life and not to just sleepwalk through life but instead you know what choose to yeah there's nothing more to motivating to me than like how society sets us up.
33:17
SPEAKER_01: Like you work for 40 years, you retire and then you live for like five 10 years and then that's it.
33:23
SPEAKER_01: And then you're like you wait your whole life to live.
33:26
SPEAKER_01: And it's like I I'm a big risk taker I'm a big gambler I like to just take risks I like like I like to do stuff like you said that I don't think I can do or at least set my my my mind up to do something I don't feel like I could ever do.
33:37
SPEAKER_01: But I just have that follow like that follow through issue and that consistency issue.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: And so it it sounds like like you got it all together.
33:45
SPEAKER_01: I think I'm on the I'm on somewhat of the right track but I'm just like there's pieces that I'm like I'm definitely not on the same path as you yeah I'm like yeah man I need to sign up for some coach.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: Once I secure something here it's like a little bit of a downturn for me but you know what life life always throwing punches at me man.
34:01
SPEAKER_01: It's like this and that and I don't know if you feel like that but it's just like man like how do you when can I catch a break here?
34:07
SPEAKER_00: Like I I guess that's a bad mentality to have but that's how you see um it reminds me of one last thing it reminds Black Bell so I remember no second I remember my sensei basically the whole 18 minutes.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: So I got all these side stitches and whatnot had to take a class then I had like an hour break I came back I had to do all my forms and all that then I had to spar everybody twice in the dojo uh the first thing my best friend did at the time he ran to give me a sidekick kicked me into the mirror and I was like knocked the wind out of me but I remember my final um my final fight with Sensei right I came at him kicked me in the head knocked me down I got back up kicked me in the stomach knocked me down I got back up kicked me in the head again and I think it was I kept going up kept going up as as long as I was able to get up I kept getting up here so here this is just proof that you're on that path is happening.
35:01
SPEAKER_01: Damn that's powerful yeah and it reminds me of the podcast industry as a whole I read that there's like I don't know what the stats are but it was like 7000 podcasts were launched this year and like 7000 will will go past 10 episodes something like that where it's like basically 10% and you're like I've made it you know what I mean like in a sense a lot of people drop off and that that just kind of puts it into picture of what you just said of like most people will stop when you're not getting results right away right like when you when you have the crash diet and you don't lose weight in like two days you're like oh screw this I'm just gonna you know go back to doing whatever I want because it doesn't matter or whatever.
35:37
SPEAKER_01: Or you know what I mean you do the 10 episodes of the podcast it doesn't take off you get 50 views or something and you're like this is too hard I'm done and that's tip like honestly how it would have been in my 30s but now that I'm later you know later 30s and now 40s like I'm just like yeah man push through let's like let's bring it on.
35:53
SPEAKER_01: I kind of have a little bit of your mentality so this is great this is great news for me but man I my uh aspirations are to get to where you are because it's like that mental fortitude and I just don't I wouldn't advise anyone to mess with you like I don't know if you're dealing with you know juveniles anymore but you're picking the wrong guy go with go for somebody else no death Spartan death racer I don't even racer yeah I don't even know what you yeah I didn't finish I called it because I didn't want to die racer