Latest / The Original Self Podcast / How a Person's Belief Can Change Your Life | Self-Efficacy

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How a Person's Belief Can Change Your Life | Self-Efficacy · The Original Self Podcast

0:00
As I'm applying color to her roots, section by
0:02
section, I notice her watching me in the mirror.
0:07
My client has a particular look about her when
0:10
she's about to say something, whether I want
0:12
to hear it or not. She says, Yvette, you're such
0:17
a smart, dynamic, capable woman. So, you know,
0:21
I laugh like I always do and try to turn the
0:23
conversation back to her. But she doesn't let
0:26
me. She said, I mean it. I don't say things that
0:31
I don't mean. This makes me uncomfortable, so
0:35
I just keep applying her color so I don't have
0:37
to say anything. Hey, it's Evet. Today I want
0:52
to talk about how other people's belief in us
0:57
can help us build self -efficacy at any age or
1:01
any time in our lives. Although I began with
1:06
one particular exchange, this episode is really
1:10
about a pattern I have actually witnessed across
1:15
several long relationships behind the chair.
1:19
Accepting a compliment, as you can tell, has
1:22
never been one of my more developed skills. I
1:26
can explain it away, definitely make a joke about
1:30
it, or quickly find something nice to say about
1:33
the other person in return. Anything that keeps
1:37
the attention from rusting on me for too long.
1:41
But I know that some part of me does hear the
1:45
compliment. I think some part of me has always
1:48
heard them. Over the years, clients have watched
1:54
me open salons, return to college later in life,
1:58
and even start this podcast. I didn't feel confident
2:03
through it all, obviously. I questioned almost
2:07
every new step, sometimes repeatedly, and with
2:12
great creativity. Their belief didn't remove
2:18
my doubt. It just kind of sat beside it. And
2:24
a lot of times that was enough to keep me moving.
2:28
I feel lucky. Many people in my life have said
2:32
kind things to me. Clients have told me, you
2:36
know, I'm talented. Friends have encouraged me
2:40
and have even suggested that I write a book.
2:43
I don't know about that one. The point is, it's
2:47
always nice to hear. But a lot of it disappears.
2:53
But there are certain voices that stay with me.
2:58
I was thinking about that the other day, wondering
3:02
why some words become the ones we hear when,
3:08
let's say, we're standing at the edge of something
3:10
new, or just trying to decide if we're capable
3:14
of doing it. I don't know, maybe it's because
3:18
for me, the people saying them, they've never
3:22
offered one of those inspirational wall plaques,
3:25
sayings that you would find at home goods. Maybe
3:29
for your beach house, right? Life's a beach.
3:32
Be sure to smile. Those exact slogans were actually
3:37
hanging on the wall of a beach house my family
3:39
and I had rented. And of course, we had fun mocking
3:43
them all weekend. But anyway, back to what I
3:47
was saying. The clients whose words stay with
3:50
me, I believe, have been paying attention. They
3:56
knew the version of me who had not yet returned
3:58
to school and then the version who eventually
4:02
graduated. They had asked questions and listened
4:06
while I constantly talked myself out of things.
4:11
and then they watched me eventually do some of
4:15
them anyway. They had seen the confident decisions
4:20
and the decisions I made while feeling anything
4:23
but. Their belief came from years of paying attention
4:29
to who I was becoming, and I think that makes
4:33
a difference of what stays with us. There is
4:37
a psychological concept called mattering. At
4:42
its simplest, mattering is the feeling that we
4:45
occupy a meaningful place in someone else's life.
4:50
That they notice us, that our experiences are
4:54
actually registering with them. And therefore,
4:58
we trust that we're not interchangeable or invisible
5:01
to them. I didn't have a name for it at the time.
5:05
I just knew that When they said something, I
5:09
believed it more than when other people did.
5:13
Their encouragement of me, toward me, carried
5:17
the weight of all those years they had spent
5:19
paying attention. When I first returned to school,
5:24
I had to take statistics. I was totally convinced
5:28
I would fail. I had always believed that I'm
5:32
horrible at math. And I mean, it's not only a
5:35
belief, okay? There's actual evidence demonstrating
5:39
how little I understand it. So with that well
5:44
-established story about myself, I knew I'd fail
5:47
the class. One long -term client told me about
5:51
taking statistics in college. She joked that
5:56
her professor finally passed her just to get
5:59
her out of the class. And because she struggled
6:02
so much with the materials, she was always the
6:04
first person waiting outside his office, ready
6:07
with more and more and more questions. She kept
6:12
telling me, if I can pass, you can pass. She
6:16
encouraged me to ask as many questions as possible
6:19
and to believe that I could make it through the
6:22
class. I seriously watched countless hours of
6:28
YouTube tutorials. I called my brother more times
6:32
than he cared to count. And I even tried getting
6:36
my tech clients to explain problems to me. It
6:39
didn't really help much. I wrote so many emails
6:44
to my professor. I'm pretty sure she went home
6:48
and had a drink to relax just because of my emails.
6:53
But I did pass. And I'm pretty sure my client's
6:59
belief didn't pour confidence into me simply
7:01
because she said nice things. I think it just
7:05
made failure feel less inevitable. It gave me
7:11
enough room to believe that success was still
7:14
possible, even if it was just a little bit. So
7:20
that belief of success still being possible,
7:25
comes from a term that psychologist Albert Bandura
7:29
used. It's called self -efficacy. And it describes
7:34
a person's belief that they can organize themselves
7:37
and take actions for what the situation requires.
7:44
It's not the belief that you'll succeed at everything
7:47
or positive thinking or pretending fear is not
7:52
there. It just disappears. It is, though, the
7:57
belief that you can engage with what's in front
8:00
of you. You can try, adjust, and keep going.
8:07
Bandura argued that self -efficacy influences
8:10
whether we begin, how much effort we invest,
8:15
and how long we persist when something becomes
8:18
difficult. When our self -efficacy is stronger,
8:24
In particular areas, we are more likely to treat
8:28
setbacks like information. When it's weaker,
8:34
we may treat those same setbacks as proof that
8:37
we shouldn't even try. Vendor identified four
8:42
main sources of self -efficacy. The first is
8:46
a mastery experience. This is the evidence we
8:51
gather by doing something. For me, finishing
8:56
statistics without perishing was a mastery experience.
9:01
Not because I suddenly understood the material.
9:04
I still don't, really. But a year later in research
9:09
methods class, my professor asked a statistics
9:13
question. I rattled off the answer like I actually
9:18
knew what I was talking about. with the same
9:21
unearned confidence as that scene in Romeo and
9:24
Michelle's high school reunion when Lisa Kudrow's
9:26
character Michelle explained how she supposedly
9:29
invented post -it note glue, and she threw out
9:33
real chemistry terms that she clearly didn't
9:36
understand, but she remembered them. When I answered
9:42
my professor's questions, I was completely shocked
9:45
that I remembered anything and I must have had
9:50
like a very funny look on my face because the
9:53
professor started laughing and said, oh, good
9:55
job, Yvette. That's a mastery experience because
10:00
I did the thing that I was certain I couldn't
10:03
do. And I came out the other side with proof
10:08
instead of just a theory. Proof is different
10:13
from encouragement. Encouragement is someone
10:16
else's words. Proof is mine. So is surviving
10:21
a mistake and discovering that we can recover
10:25
from that mistake, like it's not going to destroy
10:27
us. I think difficulty doesn't prove that we're
10:32
incapable. When we adapt and keep going and complete
10:37
something that we weren't sure we could do, that
10:42
creates the evidence that we can handle more
10:44
than what we first believed. The second source
10:49
of self -efficacy is a vicarious experience.
10:54
This happens when we watch someone that we identify
10:58
with do something and then we begin to imagine
11:02
that it may be possible for us to do it as well.
11:07
This is why I became a life coach. One of my
11:10
clients was also a life coach and I would hear
11:14
about the classes that she led or the seminars
11:17
that she led and watching her do it, I started
11:24
to imagine myself doing it. I thought, oh, I
11:27
could do this. I like this. Watching someone
11:31
we relate to succeed can strengthen our belief
11:35
in what is possible for us. We don't even have
11:38
to know them personally. It can be a public figure,
11:42
you know, someone we encounter in a biography.
11:45
or even an athlete that we admire. How many kids
11:49
watch Steph Curry make his trick shots and then
11:54
go outside and practice and practice because
11:56
seeing him do it makes them believe that it's
11:59
possible for them too. Who we admire can show
12:05
us possibility we hadn't even previously imagined
12:08
for ourselves. The third source is social persuasion.
12:16
So this happens when someone credible tells us
12:20
they see ability in us. Obviously their words
12:24
don't prove that we can do the task, but they
12:28
make us, like hearing those words, make us maybe
12:32
not quit before we collected our own evidence.
12:37
But there's a caveat. The person encouraging
12:41
us has to be believable. It can't be generic,
12:45
true living. Like, oh, that's so good. Oh, great.
12:49
Good job. Like, it can be a little bit of that,
12:51
but it can't just be super generic. And they
12:56
can't barely know us because it doesn't carry
12:58
that much weight. Specific, repeated belief from
13:04
someone who's watched us over a long period of
13:08
time. It works differently. My thesis professor
13:13
knew exactly how many nervous breakdowns working
13:17
toward a deadline would produce. He also knew
13:23
how much it was going to produce in me because
13:24
he watched them happen over and over. So every
13:29
so often, he'd remind me how far I'd come and
13:32
that if I just stayed the course, I'd succeed.
13:37
It worked because he had earned the right to
13:41
say it. Even though I'm rocking in the corner,
13:45
he knew what to say to me to pull me out of that.
13:50
The fourth and final source is our physiological
13:53
and emotional state. So, a racing heart. A racing
14:00
heart can mean I can't handle this. Or, It can
14:06
mean this matters to me and my body is getting
14:09
ready to respond. So the sensation is the same.
14:13
You both, you know, both of those reasons, both
14:17
of those excuses, both of those states are a
14:21
racing heart. Maybe you feel it in your throat,
14:23
you know? But what changes is the meaning we
14:28
give it, which changes what we'll do next. a
14:35
woman who had like arctic white blonde hair.
14:40
I turned her roots the color of orange. I mean
14:44
like the kind you pick off a tree in Florida.
14:47
Not kidding. So orange. When I saw that they
14:51
were orange, I began to absolutely panic. Like
14:56
my heart started racing, my mouth went dry. All
15:00
logic completely left my brain. Aya played a
15:05
treatment to her hair, walked away to let my
15:11
pulse slow down. A couple of hours later, her
15:17
hair was back to the white she loved and all
15:20
was well. I mean, I'm pretty sure I lost a few
15:23
years of my life from the panic, but everything
15:25
else, it worked out. The point is, is that when
15:29
I consider my own self -efficacy today, I realized
15:34
the belief my clients express was a form of social
15:38
persuasion. Their words couldn't substitute for
15:44
my effort, but they helped me stay engaged long
15:47
enough to build mastery of my own. Returning
15:51
to school, graduating, and earning my credential
15:55
gave me evidence. Producing the first podcast
15:59
episode, then the fifth, and eventually the 27th
16:04
gave me evidence. People's belief in me also
16:08
helped me in situations where the challenge wasn't
16:11
learning how to do something, it was recognizing
16:14
that I still had the power to take action. Psychologists
16:19
use the term problem -focused coping. That describes
16:24
directing our attention toward the parts of a
16:27
stressful situation that we can influence. Instead
16:32
of remaining overwhelmed by the entire problem,
16:36
we gather information, identify our options,
16:40
and then choose a practical next step. When I
16:45
was opening up my own salon, I ran into problems
16:48
getting the necessary building permits because
16:52
the building wasn't up to code, but my lease
16:54
stated that it was. The landlord completely denied
16:58
responsibility and then tried to frighten me
17:01
into paying for the improvements that would be
17:05
required to get the permits. This landlord owned,
17:10
I don't know, what seemed like half of the downtown
17:13
area. He owned all the commercial buildings.
17:17
They had an endless stream of money and an attitude
17:21
to match. Unfortunately, the landlord's son was
17:28
my contractor. I didn't know contractors. I knew
17:31
he was a contractor, so I hired him. Good one.
17:35
He continued asking me for payments without ever
17:39
moving the project forward. He told me every
17:43
time I would ask like, oh, why are you not doing
17:45
this? Whatever. He told me that the city wouldn't
17:48
give the building permits because my plans were
17:53
incorrect. Something was wrong with them. He
17:56
neglected to mention that the real problem was
17:59
their building. I think he was trying to get
18:04
around the permit guy. I confided in one of my
18:10
clients about what was happening. And I, you
18:12
know, I told her, I don't think it's too late
18:14
to back out of this. I went out of the contract
18:17
and I knew I would lose all the money that I
18:19
invested, but I don't know. It just, quitting
18:23
felt easier. This client reminded me that I did
18:29
know how to speak to people, ask questions, and
18:32
get answers. She convinced me I could walk into
18:36
that city's planning department and find out
18:38
what was actually happening. In my memory, the
18:43
planning department was open from approximately
18:46
like 8 a .m. to 8 a .m. on the fourth Tuesday
18:51
of a leap year. It was such a narrow window.
18:55
And there were so many businesses waiting for
18:59
building permits. But my client's confidence
19:02
in my ability pushed me to go there despite how
19:06
intimidated I actually felt. And that's where
19:09
I discovered that my plans were perfectly fine.
19:13
In fact, the permits weren't issued solely because
19:18
the building was non -compliant with accessibility
19:21
codes, ADA codes. even though in my contract
19:26
it says that it was. So once I had the documented
19:31
proof in my hands, my brother and I summoned
19:35
our ancestral roots and went to the mattresses.
19:39
I'm kidding. We did confront the landlord and
19:44
we made them bring the building up to code at
19:47
no expense to us. The point of this story is
19:51
my client didn't solve the problems for me, right?
19:54
She helped me recognize that I still had agency
19:58
within it. Once I gathered the facts, I could
20:02
respond from evidence instead of intimidation.
20:06
But there's a deeper lesson, not only about what
20:11
their belief gave me, but as my own evidence
20:15
grew, My attention shifted toward the clients
20:18
who offered that belief so freely. Because many
20:23
of them had spent much of their lives being the
20:26
people that everyone else relied on. Their stories
20:31
showed me another side of what it means to be
20:34
capable. Over the years I've known, met several
20:40
women who learned to become capable very early
20:44
in their lives. Some were the oldest children
20:48
in very large families. Some grew up moving around
20:51
and place to place or adjusting to instability.
20:57
Many became skilled at noticing what everyone
21:01
else needed before asking what they needed themselves.
21:06
I think those qualities served them well. They
21:10
became very dependable friends, attentive mothers.
21:14
dedicated teachers, and always the person their
21:20
family's called when something went wrong. But
21:24
I've also watched what happens when the strong
21:27
one becomes overwhelmed. I have sat with clients
21:32
where their spouses or loved ones have become
21:36
seriously ill. I've watched them manage appointments,
21:40
absorb frightening information. support the rest
21:45
of their family and all the while continuing
21:50
to function while carrying fear that people rarely
21:55
see. Their stories were different, but I noticed
22:00
a shared belief beneath many of them. I'm the
22:05
one who handles things. I'm the one who helps.
22:10
I'm not the one who needs. Psychologically, self
22:16
-reliance can begin as an adaptive response.
22:21
It helps us function when other people depend
22:23
on us. But a strength becomes restrictive when
22:29
we no longer feel permitted to respond in any
22:32
other way. Keeping that in mind, research on
22:36
help seeking has found that a strong preference
22:39
for self -reliance can actually prevent people
22:42
from seeking psychological support. Sometimes
22:46
it isn't that they believe asking for help is
22:50
wrong, it's that they just simply have difficulty
22:54
believing that the same permission they give
22:57
everyone else applies to them. And then for some
23:03
whose identity was organized around being capable,
23:07
receiving help can almost feel like breaking
23:09
a contract. Who am I if I can't manage this alone?
23:15
What happens if I become the person asking instead
23:18
of the one answering? Will people still see me
23:23
as strong? I don't know. Perhaps strength also
23:28
includes knowing when to stop performing invulnerability.
23:33
I've watched some of these women that I'm talking
23:35
about make a different choice, though. They accepted
23:38
help from family and friends. Some did seek professional
23:42
support. They let another person listen without
23:47
immediately turning the conversation back to
23:50
everyone else. Accepting support didn't make
23:54
these women less capable or less generous or
23:57
less dependable. It did, however, allow them
24:01
to include themselves among the people worthy
24:05
of care. I have spoken about self -compassion
24:09
in blogs and other podcast episodes, and I've
24:14
also mentioned psychologist Kristin Neff. Her
24:18
work is all about self -compassion and she describes
24:21
it through three connected elements. Self -compassion
24:26
consists of self -kindness, mindfulness, and
24:30
common humanity. So self -kindness means responding
24:35
to ourselves with care rather than judgment when
24:39
we are struggling. Mindfulness means acknowledging
24:44
what we're experiencing without suppressing it
24:48
or allowing it to become our whole story. And
24:53
then common humanity means recognizing that struggle
24:57
and needing support are a part of being human.
25:03
I think common humanity is especially important
25:06
for people who are accustomed to being the strong
25:10
one. They readily recognize when others need
25:15
care, the harder part is allowing themselves
25:18
to need it too. For some of my clients, self
25:21
-compassion has meant accepting the meal someone
25:24
offered or letting a family member take over
25:28
an appointment. Sometimes it's seeking support
25:32
from a therapist or working with a life coach
25:35
or admitting and sometimes for the first time
25:39
that I can't carry all of this alone. I have
25:44
watched clients reach a point where what they
25:48
were carrying became too heavy to conceal any
25:52
longer. They would sit in my chair and begin
25:56
talking. It's not about their hair. or the ordinary
26:01
events of the week, but about everything that
26:04
had been accumulating inside of them. Their voices
26:08
would sound even and controlled until suddenly
26:12
they weren't any longer. And when I noticed that
26:16
change, I'd sit down in the chair next to them
26:19
and listen. Often, They would start with an apology.
26:27
You know, people do that when they have learned
26:30
to treat their pain as an inconvenience to others.
26:35
I made sure that they knew I never saw it that
26:38
way. I know when they were speaking honestly
26:42
about what they were carrying, that was an act
26:45
of self -kindness, allowing themselves to experience
26:49
the exhaustion without turning it into proof
26:52
that they had failed. was mindfulness. And recognizing
26:58
that needing help didn't separate them from everyone
27:01
else, that was common humanity. People who cared
27:06
about them had often been waiting for the opportunity
27:10
to help. Receiving that care required them to
27:16
trust that their needs would not make them less
27:20
capable or less worthy of respect. That kind
27:25
of shift doesn't happen once and then stay finished.
27:29
It's a practice. We have to choose it again and
27:32
again, whenever the weight becomes heavy. I know
27:36
that because it's true for me too. Not only for
27:40
when I was asking for help, but when trusting
27:43
someone else's belief in me before I ever had
27:47
it myself. I also think we sometimes misunderstand
27:53
how people influence us. We assume the people
27:59
who change our lives are the ones who gives us
28:02
exactly the right advice at exactly the right
28:04
time. But often, they're the ones who give us
28:08
a more accurate reflection of ourselves. Because
28:14
those relationships are grounded in honesty,
28:18
my client's belief in me helped me develop my
28:21
own. Their encouragement supported me without
28:26
making me dependent on their approval. And then
28:31
also through their lives, my clients taught me
28:35
something else. They taught me that the generosity
28:38
we offer other people eventually has to include
28:42
us too. Neither lesson requires anyone to fix
28:48
us. and neither asks us to feel completely confident
28:53
before we act. So here's what I'm taking with
28:58
me. Self -efficacy grows through action, not
29:03
through waiting until we feel ready. Problem
29:08
-focused coping turns a sense of helplessness
29:11
into a practical question. What part of the situation
29:16
can I influence? credible belief from another
29:21
person helps us remain in the experience long
29:25
enough to get our own proof. And self -compassion
29:30
expands our understanding of strength to include
29:34
receiving support. So when that ugly little voice
29:39
of doubt starts talking in my head, instead of
29:43
asking it to shut up, maybe the question I should
29:45
ask is, Why am I treating doubt as the only credible
29:50
voice in the room? So this week I'd like to ask
29:55
you to try something. Try to offer one person
30:00
a specific reflection based on something you've
30:04
genuinely observed about them. Something like,
30:08
I've watched how you keep going when something
30:11
is difficult. Or you ask really thoughtful questions.
30:17
Or maybe I see how much courage this is taking
30:20
for you. And then try this. The next time someone
30:27
offers support, practice receiving it fully.
30:33
Pause long enough to let the help land before
30:37
deciding what you owe them. Pay attention to
30:41
which is more natural, offering the support or
30:45
receiving it. That answer can possibly tell you
30:50
something about the role you've learned to play.
30:55
In closing, I just want to say that clients have
30:58
reflected strengths in me that I wasn't yet ready
31:02
to recognize. I've also watched capable people
31:06
discover that accepting support doesn't diminish
31:09
who they are. I still deflect compliments. I
31:14
still laugh, change the subject. or question
31:17
whether I've earned the words. But I'm slowly
31:21
learning to let those words land and trust that
31:24
they just might be true. Like I said, slowly
31:29
learning. The best part is that self -efficacy
31:34
doesn't require doubt to disappear. You can still
31:38
hang on to it. It just means that doubt no longer
31:42
gets to make every decision. Sometimes another
31:47
person sees enough possibility in us to help
31:50
us take that next step. Sometimes our role is
31:55
to offer that belief, and sometimes our work
31:58
is to receive it. I'm Evet DeCota, and if this
32:04
story resonates with you, and you'd like to contact
32:07
me, all of my information is in this episode's
32:11
notes. Thank you for listening to the original
32:14
self podcast, and I hope you have a wonderful
32:17
day The original self podcast