Latest / The Original Self Podcast / Episode 11- Why We Say "I'm Fine" When We Are Not: The Psychology of Hiding Your True Feelings

Transcript

Episode 11- Why We Say "I'm Fine" When We Are Not: The Psychology of Hiding Your True Feelings · The Original Self Podcast

• 0:13
  Welcome to the original self podcast. I'm Evet
• 0:16
  DeCota, owner of DeCota Life Coaching and a psychology
• 0:20
  informed life coach. I explore resilience, mindset,
• 0:24
  and the courage to become your authentic self.
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  This is a space for honest conversations about
• 0:30
  growth, identity, relationships, and all the
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  messy moments in between that shape who we become.
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  Between the salon chair and coaching sessions,
• 0:41
  I've watched people move through life in patterns
• 0:44
  they never notice. Patterns that are subtle or
• 0:48
  familiar and often incredibly hard to see from
• 0:51
  the inside. Today, we're talking about the most
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  automatic answer most of us give when someone
• 0:57
  asks how we're doing. I'm fine, and how it rarely
• 1:02
  tells the truth. This episode 11, why we say
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  I'm fine when we're not, the psychology of hiding
• 1:10
  our true feelings is coming up. In America, We
• 1:22
  greet each other with, hello, how are you? And
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  the expected response is supposed to be, I'm
• 1:28
  fine, how are you? Either way, the answer rarely
• 1:33
  reflects what you're truly feeling underneath
• 1:37
  the surface. And it's not really supposed to,
• 1:39
  it's just a greeting. If I had a dollar for every
• 1:43
  time I said I was fine when I felt angry or overwhelmed
• 1:47
  or possibly having a panic attack, I'd be very
• 1:51
  wealthy right now. But why do we do that? Of
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  course most of us don't want to unload our problems
• 2:00
  on the cashier or a co -worker and we learn really
• 2:05
  quickly that people are not usually expecting
• 2:08
  a real answer. So the problem isn't fine in casual
• 2:14
  moments. It's when we go home and talk to people
• 2:19
  who we genuinely love or genuinely love us and
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  say we're fine or we sit across from someone
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  who truly cares about how we feel and the answer
• 2:30
  is still fine. So why do many of us walk around
• 2:37
  saying we're fine when we're actually anything
• 2:39
  but? It's not weakness. It's not dishonesty.
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  I think it's something far more human than that.
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  I believe I started doing it at a young age.
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  Maybe starting with my bone disease. I was born
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  into a body that broke easily. Sometimes from
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  things other kids would have totally walked away
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  from. And every time the message at home was
• 3:05
  exactly the same. You're fine. You'll live. Walk
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  it off. Provided it wasn't my leg. So I did it.
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  I did it every time. And there's something powerful
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  about being told you're fine when your bones
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  are literally breaking. It makes you learn at
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  a very young age that your pain is not the point.
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  What matters is getting up and moving on and
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  not making too much of it, right? And if you
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  think about it, it wasn't such a bad way of coping
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  with it and not letting it define me. Because
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  of this though, I learned to minimize my feelings
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  at school as well. I didn't want pity. I didn't
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  want to be seen as fragile or different. So I
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  acted like it was no big deal and people followed
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  my lead most of the time. If I didn't make a
• 4:02
  fuss about it, they didn't do it either. What
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  I didn't realize was that I was practicing something.
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  Every time I minimized my bones breaking, I was
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  reinforcing the idea that my pain mattered less
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  than how other people perceived me. That's heavy
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  for a little kid, and so I didn't get it, right?
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  Then came the teasing about brittle bones, my
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  weight, about being different. And it was the
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  kind of casual cruelty kids can deliver without
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  anyone noticing how deeply it lands inside of
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  you. I became very good at crying in private,
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  pulling myself together, and walking back out
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  as if nothing had happened. Eventually, it kind
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  of became my template for everything. I'm fine.
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  I'll live. Move on. All of this performing prepared
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  me for the very big things in my life. My best
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  friend dying in our twenties. It severely shut
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  down my emotions because I wasn't practiced at
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  grieving openly. So I carried it inside alone
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  quietly. Or the man that I loved deeply who didn't
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  love me enough to choose me. And I chose to deal
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  with that in silence because what do you do with
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  pain that big when you never learned how to say
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  it out loud? The real truth is I just let the
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  love go because it terrified me to be that vulnerable
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  and needy. The armor that I had constructed had
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  protected me for years and it also made me invisible.
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  I think even to myself. And here's the hardest
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  part to explain. For me, after a while, I wasn't
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  performing fine any longer. I genuinely couldn't
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  locate the pain. I had buried it so deeply that
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  I would have told you honestly that I was okay,
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  that there was nothing to talk about. That's
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  what long -term fine does to someone, to someone's
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  emotions and expressions. expressing their emotions.
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  It doesn't just hide your feelings from other
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  people, it eventually hides it from yourself.
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  Before I bring my guest in for this podcast today,
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  I want to say one thing briefly because I think
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  it explains what you're about to hear. A sociologist
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  named Irving Goffman believed that everyday life
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  was kind of a performance. He called it impression
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  management. He said that we all have a front
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  stage the version of ourselves that we present
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  to the world and Then there's a backstage who
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  we actually are when no one is watching I'm fine
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  is one of the most rehearsed front stage lines
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  So knowing that we'll come back to the psychology
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  behind that during the interview But first I
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  want you to meet someone who is choosing, maybe
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  for the first time in his life, to stop performing
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  fine. My nephew calls me Annie because when he
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  was little he missed the T in Auntie and it stuck.
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  He's 17 now, an athlete, a good student, he's
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  funny, he's charming, he's super good looking,
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  and by most standards the kind of kid who seems
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  completely fine. He's also one of the most guarded
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  people I know. And I say that lovingly because
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  I recognize it completely. I'm not only his Annie,
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  I'm also his friend. And I know where he learned
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  to perform that fine. He learned it from us.
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  Two years ago my nephew lost his mom to colon
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  cancer. She was my sister -in -law, my sissy.
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  And in the aftermath of her death, the family
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  fractured in ways that we're all still trying
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  to understand. At 15 years old, my nephew was
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  left carrying enormous grief inside a life that
• 8:34
  no longer felt stable. He saw a therapist for
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  a while, but through his own admission, he spent
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  most of this session avoiding what he actually
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  really felt. He hated going. He called it pointless.
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  He joked to me that the therapist was a forced
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  friend so we started calling her FF. It was our
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  own private laugh but underneath those jokes
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  his emotions were far too raw to let anyone in.
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  Then his first real relationship ended and something
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  inside him just cracked open. For the first time
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  in his life I watched my nephew Begin letting
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  go of the persona that he had built up around
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  all the emotions that he couldn't show anybody
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  a Few weeks ago during a conversation between
• 9:32
  the two of us. He asked me if he could come on
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  this podcast I said yes before he even finished
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  the sentence What you're about to hear is a 17
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  year old young man choosing Maybe for the first
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  time in his life to stop performing fine I'm
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  not here to polish it or steer it too much it's
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  just going to be his Annie and some questions
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  and We're gonna let him be exactly who he is
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  So hello my little nephew Jackson when um, how's
• 10:09
  it going? Hi, are you excited to do this? Yeah,
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  I am pretty stoked. All right, cool so I'm gonna
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  ask you a question and When people ask you how
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  you're doing, what do you tell them typically?
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  I feel like it's a pretty auto response kind
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  of like robotic at this point. It's like and
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  I'm fine or and I'm okay or you know if the day
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  was better than it normally is it's a you know
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  my day was good but it's never like I never go
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  deep into like what I actually feel because I
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  feel like number one like a lot of people even
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  though they say they want to listen to that I
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  feel like coming from me it's like I don't know
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  I wouldn't when I ask someone that I'm not trying
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  to sit there for 30 minutes and like kind of
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  full listen sure sure sure sure yeah I mean you
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  don't want to like you know tell a perfect stranger
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  well I've had a really bad day today right like
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  you don't really go into it right um is it ever
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  the truth when somebody says like hey how you
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  doing is it ever the truth some most of the time
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  I would say it is the truth you know a lot of
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  time At the end of the day or something like
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  I am just fine like it's been a lot of ups and
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  downs throughout the day So it's like it's never
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  really one emotion But like sometimes there has
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  been some low points that I don't speak about
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  but normally if there's like a high point I bring
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  it up in conversation somehow later in the night
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  or during that so you feel comfortable with some
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  people Yeah, I mean it really depends on on who
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  like for example my last relationship like if
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  she would ask me how I was doing I would be more
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  honest, you know, there was Some i'm fine some
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  i'm okay thrown in there but you know It was
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  more if I had a rough day I tell her I had a
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  rough day, but I feel like with the parents and
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  friends It's more easy in a way to just be like,
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  you know, i'm fine and leave it at that Yeah,
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  that makes sense It is easier What you just described
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  has a name and I talked about it earlier in the
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  podcast. It's called impression management, meaning
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  it's we all have this performance version of
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  ourselves for anybody watching. So most of us
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  learn which emotions are maybe feel the safest
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  or like OK to put forward, right? We're not people
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  are not going to just judge us. So when we say
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  I'm fine, that's like one of the most rehearsed
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  lines. It's the easiest one to say. The thing
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  is, is the more we rehearse it of saying, I'm
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  fine all the time, the more it becomes automatic,
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  right? And we don't talk about our true feelings.
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  Does that make sense? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All
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  right, so before this relationship, Had you ever
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  let anyone a friend your family whatever? Had
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  you ever let anyone get very close to you? Yeah,
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  I have a you know, I kind of see him as a brother
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  at this point Like I say his name obviously,
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  but he's very close to me and he transferred
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  schools This year so that was kind of hard. But
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  you know, we still talk like he's one of my mainest
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  friends like I've had him since like honestly
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  I didn't know him at the time. It was like that
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  there's like a Kind of a like a superstition
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  is the word where it's like It's like the meeting
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  someone twice there. You meet him once They don't
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  really mean anything to you. You don't really
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  understand it You don't know them and the second
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  time you meet him you like connect and you click
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  instantaneously and that's kind of what happened
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  with us He was on my flag football team As a
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  kid and you know, I never thought I would see
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  him again then he came to our school and we kind
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  of butted heads for the first little bit while
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  he was at school and then you know, we just clicked
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  and everything went from there and you know,
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  he's been my one of my best friends ever since
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  and You know, I do think of him as like someone
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  I could tell kind of anything I want because
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  it's like without him their school would have
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  been a lot more rough sophomore freshman year
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  and You know that's kind of where The relationship
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  kind of like hurt the most is because when he
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  left She kind of filled that void in a way like
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  she made it seem like What I even made it seem
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  like she was my best friend, you know anyone
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  I could talk to at school If I was feeling okay,
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  like, you know, I could always go talk to her
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  See her on break. So it's kind of like the same
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  thing like because me and him would always walk
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  to class together And even if we didn't have
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  the same class, you know just chat the whole
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  time and you know That's kind of what we did
• 14:48
  this year. So that's what it makes this one sting
• 14:50
  a lot more Yeah, absolutely Well, I mean not
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  that your buddy was your first love But I mean
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  when you have a first love or like a first really
• 15:02
  deep relationship it changes you like it allows
• 15:06
  you to be who you really really are and Dr. Brené
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  Brown. She's like my favorite scientist. She
• 15:14
  does work on vulnerability and shame she talks
• 15:19
  about how We carry this quiet fear of of showing
• 15:26
  people who we really are right like we just talked
• 15:28
  about so we perform strength instead right and
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  there's a distinction where the strength shows
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  up as armor not resilience does that make sense
• 15:39
  yeah right so like you know think about like
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  in the in the dark ages, the chain mail that
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  people wore, right? Like it totally protects
• 15:46
  you. But then that chain mail becomes like a
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  skin, like an additional skin. And we just have
• 15:52
  this like what you were saying to me a while
• 15:55
  ago, like this persona that we keep putting out.
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  So when you are friends or you still are friends
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  with this guy, right? That kind of allows you
• 16:05
  to be the person that you are. And when you were
• 16:08
  with your girlfriend, it allows you To be as
• 16:13
  as as truthful and who you are as as you want
• 16:16
  to be. Yeah Yeah, yeah, so You've told me before
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  but you just kind of mentioned that you were
• 16:24
  completely open with your ex -girlfriend You
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  know most most of the time I think Transparent
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  in a way that maybe you weren't with everybody
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  else except for your your buddy What made that
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  possible? Um, you know, it wasn't a an all -the
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  -time thing, you know, I wasn't always Transparent
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  there was a lot of times that actually I wasn't
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  Transparent just about you know life in general
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  like it'd be over the littlest things. It'd be
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  like, you know, like I Don't know how much money
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  I had or something It was just it was stuff to
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  make me seem like quote -unquote cooler and quote
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  -unquote like, you know I had this like unlimited
• 17:05
  like income even though like Obviously that's
• 17:08
  not true, especially as a 17 year old, but it's
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  like When I was truthful it was because it was
• 17:14
  so happy that I didn't need to be that way and
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  it was like for example, like, you know, we would
• 17:22
  be hanging out and it would just be me and her
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  and let's say we're going on like a an ice cream
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  run at night and it's like it's just us like
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  those are the moments where I am the most transparent
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  because it's like that's who I am like Those
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  car rides that we would have together like we're
• 17:38
  just like laughing having fun singing the music
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  together like that's kind of like who I am as
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  a person like, you know and when it wasn't me
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  it was because I There's like this term that
• 17:51
  younger kids use it's like nonchalant and or
• 17:54
  full and I have a reputation at school that you
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  know, I'm kind of nonchalant kind of or full
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  and it's like I didn't want to ruin that perception
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  of me because I liked quote -unquote like who
• 18:05
  that was and like looking back like you know
• 18:08
  all I wish I did was like not be nonchalant because
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  it's like Nonchalant means that you show that
• 18:14
  you don't care about anything and not caring
• 18:16
  about anything is what makes people cool but
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  honestly like Not caring about stuff just makes
• 18:23
  you like lame in a way because it's like you
• 18:25
  don't show any passions You don't you don't show
• 18:28
  any love or interest for others and people because
• 18:31
  it's like you're too busy trying to put up this
• 18:34
  facade that you don't care when really like you
• 18:37
  probably do care. Yeah. What did you say? Or
• 18:40
  oracle? Yeah, oracle. I never heard that oracle.
• 18:44
  It's like, you know, you have like an aura about
• 18:45
  you. Oh, oracle. OK. Yeah. I'm not quite sure
• 18:50
  that's a word, but I like it. I like the phrase.
• 18:53
  So when you said that you were. Like that's who
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  you are, like easy. Like that's what I got out
• 19:00
  of that. You didn't say easy, but like you were
• 19:03
  having fun and singing songs and things like
• 19:05
  that. When you decided to put on the cool persona
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  or the auraful, I'm gonna keep using it, what
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  do you think changed? Like why did you go to
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  that? Honestly, it's kind of like, it's like
• 19:21
  a lot of the, like a thing at school, like kind
• 19:24
  of an escape, I would say. Because it's like
• 19:27
  at school. I don't know I really don't know why
• 19:31
  I would go to it and that's something i'm still
• 19:33
  kind of working through and You know i'm doing
• 19:35
  it a lot less like the other day. I you know
• 19:38
  me my boy We're just like sitting there And I
• 19:41
  realize like I don't really participate in many
• 19:43
  school assemblies or the school games and i'm
• 19:45
  like, you know like why is that like why am I
• 19:48
  afraid to Like go down there and have fun. So
• 19:51
  we just kind of like we just went down there
• 19:53
  We had fun and we won it and like, you know that
• 19:56
  was like way more fun than just like sitting
• 19:58
  in the crowd and kind of like Making fun of the
• 20:01
  people that do go up there because it's like
• 20:03
  it's like yeah It's way easier to sit back and
• 20:06
  like call them weird because they are going up
• 20:08
  there and they're showing who they are But to
• 20:11
  actually do it it's a lot more fun than you would
• 20:13
  think like yeah, maybe maybe some people You
• 20:16
  know like sat there and made fun of us for going
• 20:18
  up there and having a good time But it's like,
• 20:20
  you know who cares like I went up there and I
• 20:22
  had a good time So why do I care about what they
• 20:25
  think and it's like to go back to the question
• 20:28
  about like Why did I put up that facade? It's
• 20:31
  cuz I don't know. I just I wanted to seem Cooler
• 20:34
  I wanted to seem like, you know Nothing affects
• 20:37
  me. Nothing. Nothing hurts me Life's perfect,
• 20:41
  you know, just that that whole that whole facade
• 20:44
  I feel like a lot of people put up to this day
• 20:46
  and I feel like if you can break down You know
• 20:51
  your true actions and what you actually care
• 20:53
  about and do those things then you'll be so much
• 20:57
  happier than Putting up that facade because even
• 21:00
  if I continue to put up that facade and continue
• 21:03
  to act that way, you know Like yeah, I would
• 21:05
  seem cool. Yeah, I would you know have these
• 21:09
  friends and stuff, but it's like um I don't know.
• 21:13
  I just it's it's a lot more Enjoyable to live
• 21:16
  life how you actually want to live it instead
• 21:19
  of you know, putting up that false front. Yeah
• 21:22
  Do you think that? you put that facade up that
• 21:26
  cool facade like where do you think that came
• 21:28
  from or Did you also have friends that would
• 21:32
  judge people for that like you learned from them?
• 21:36
  Saying oh, that's lame or that's not cool. Like
• 21:39
  I'm wondering where it came from. Yeah No, I
• 21:41
  mean everyone has friends, you know, everyone
• 21:44
  does that, you know, you know I love all my boys
• 21:46
  like, you know, they're my boys for a reason
• 21:48
  so I'm not gonna like diss them but you know
• 21:50
  that is that is like Boy culture nowadays and
• 21:53
  that happens with people that you know, I wouldn't
• 21:55
  even say are in my Direct friend group. It's
• 21:58
  like you just put each other down for no reason
• 22:00
  I'm like and I realize that you put each other
• 22:03
  down because you don't want to seem interested
• 22:07
  in a thing so it's like that's where the nonchalant
• 22:09
  is comes from and that's where that facade comes
• 22:11
  from it's because you want to seem cool you want
• 22:14
  to seem like You know, you want you want to attract
• 22:17
  others by doing that when rather, you know I
• 22:22
  kind of wish I had memorized the quote before
• 22:24
  I came in here, but it's like there's a quote
• 22:26
  That's like like stand out It's better to stand
• 22:29
  alone in something you enjoy than to be a part
• 22:31
  of a crowd of something you don't like and it's
• 22:33
  like That's kind of exactly how it is, you know
• 22:36
  I would never trade my friends for anyone else
• 22:38
  because you know there my rider dies, but it's
• 22:40
  like You know my friends I became into that group
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  and became very invested in that group by putting
• 22:46
  others down like that's how you kind of built
• 22:48
  your way up the The pyramid I would say of the
• 22:51
  friend group is by you know How many jokes you
• 22:55
  can get off how much you can make others laugh
• 22:57
  and I feel like a lot of friend groups are like
• 22:58
  that. It's like Normally the yeah the the top
• 23:02
  friend like the the friend of everyone is normally
• 23:06
  the friend that can make everyone laugh and like
• 23:09
  make everyone have a good time and enjoy themselves
• 23:11
  so it's like to be able to be like that is like
• 23:14
  to be the most nonchalant to be the You know
• 23:17
  the quote -unquote meanest one and it's you know,
• 23:20
  it's like I did that for a while, you know, I'd
• 23:23
  I'd not not Happy to admit it and not proud of
• 23:27
  it. But you know definitely put others down and
• 23:30
  you know definitely made little digs at people
• 23:33
  all the time and it's like that's kind of like
• 23:37
  I don't know that that's just it's very normalized
• 23:39
  for a teenage boy and maybe I don't know about
• 23:42
  anyone else but I do I can speak on teenage boys
• 23:44
  and it's like that's kind of the norm is to do
• 23:46
  that so you know, I do get called corny nowadays
• 23:50
  because you know, I no longer do that and I After
• 23:53
  these like, you know past few weeks, you know,
• 23:55
  I've kind of fully changed how I act especially
• 23:58
  in classes like no longer like trying to make
• 24:01
  like jokes about people and kind of trying to
• 24:04
  make a joke about like the the atmosphere or
• 24:07
  like the situation instead of like insulting
• 24:10
  someone's like not character because I would
• 24:13
  never go that far, but it's like Insulting someone's
• 24:15
  actions because you never know how much that's
• 24:18
  gonna impact someone like speaking from example
• 24:20
  I was driving one of my uh, my friends one time
• 24:24
  and like a kind of older song came on and like,
• 24:28
  you know It meant no harm, but I loved the song
• 24:30
  and it was like he just called that like yo Like
• 24:32
  what are you an unc like obviously it was just
• 24:34
  a joke, but it like It made me kind of think
• 24:37
  more about like what I would play in those situations,
• 24:41
  like what kind of music I would play, like trying
• 24:43
  to play like the the newer songs, the more underground
• 24:47
  songs, because I'm trying to seem cooler. Got
• 24:49
  it. Yeah. And just because he didn't like that
• 24:52
  song, then then that means that you were. too
• 24:55
  old school or yeah exactly enough okay got it
• 24:58
  well it was probably a really good song I was
• 25:01
  gonna say something to you like you were saying
• 25:03
  like about going up and playing this game you
• 25:06
  know at school which hopefully they got pictures
• 25:09
  of because I never see pictures of you and it's
• 25:12
  too it's too bad anyways Theodore Roosevelt he's
• 25:16
  you know, obviously an older ex -president, but
• 25:19
  he did this speech called man in the arena and
• 25:23
  it's about how okay, you're in the arena, right
• 25:28
  the spectators are all around you and You throw
• 25:32
  your hat in and you you're like Sweating and
• 25:35
  blood and and all this stuff and you're fighting
• 25:38
  and you've thrown everything in there you thrown
• 25:40
  caution to the wind And there's always the spectators,
• 25:45
  always the naysayers that are like, oh, I could
• 25:48
  do that better. Like, oh, he looks foolish for
• 25:50
  doing that. But they've never had the vulnerability
• 25:55
  and the courage to throw their hat in. And so
• 25:59
  today, when you went up and you played that game
• 26:01
  or this week when you did that, that's like straight
• 26:05
  up saying, yeah, this is me. This is what I'm
• 26:08
  going to do. Yeah, exactly. Ace is for you. So
• 26:13
  you did do that with your ex a lot of times not
• 26:16
  all the time I would say it was like a Honestly,
• 26:21
  it's kind of bad to look back and admit but it
• 26:23
  I feel like it is a majority of a facade and
• 26:27
  less of you know kind of who I was Because I
• 26:31
  felt like I needed I don't know in a way I needed
• 26:34
  the facade to keep her but actually that That
• 26:38
  facade and not being able to you know be in touch
• 26:41
  With my emotions and being touched like why I
• 26:45
  feel certain ways about things in my own opinions
• 26:48
  it's like not being able to I Don't know. I don't
• 26:52
  I can't remember the word for but like not being
• 26:54
  able to put my true self out there is what in
• 26:57
  turn, you know lost her in a way because you
• 27:01
  know, I I wasn't I wasn't the man that I should
• 27:05
  have been to her because she was very like loving
• 27:08
  with me and I was loving back but in a way like
• 27:11
  You know, I think we can maybe get into it later,
• 27:14
  but you know Just there was like little stuff
• 27:17
  that you know if I done it would have shown that
• 27:20
  I cared a lot more instead of that That facade
• 27:23
  that you know, I don't care. I'm too cool for
• 27:25
  this. I'm too cool for that. It's like It's just
• 27:29
  a lot of that. Yeah It's interesting When we
• 27:34
  were talking before you we were talking about
• 27:37
  you know you being in love and You know, like
• 27:42
  I said a part of you emerges right where another
• 27:45
  person sees you but it sounds to me like You
• 27:50
  didn't let her see the real you a lot of the
• 27:53
  time. Yeah. Yeah What's that feel like now? Oh,
• 27:57
  it hurts honestly because it's like You know,
• 28:01
  we've talked a few times since then it doesn't
• 28:04
  it's not like a lot of people might think like
• 28:07
  like high school love doesn't really mean much
• 28:09
  but It did mean a lot to me and I can see that
• 28:14
  by how much I've reflected and changed myself
• 28:19
  over the past few weeks. Sorry, what was the
• 28:24
  question again? I got lost. It's okay. I said
• 28:27
  that you had the opportunity. You know for a
• 28:33
  couple years to show her who you really were
• 28:36
  and I'm sure you did show her but you know like
• 28:39
  you You needed to put up that front and I'm wondering
• 28:43
  why with her you needed to put up that front
• 28:45
  I don't know I think it all stems back to the
• 28:49
  you know trying to be cool because she had a
• 28:51
  little brother and her little brother really
• 28:53
  looked up to me So I felt like the cooler I acted
• 28:57
  Around them around her and even when it was one
• 28:59
  -on -one, you know, I'd still try and act like
• 29:00
  that cool. Like I don't care facade Because I
• 29:04
  think I was so deep into the act of it that I
• 29:08
  couldn't even see that it was an act and that's
• 29:12
  the biggest thing I think I'm kind of looking
• 29:15
  back on right now is I Couldn't back then like,
• 29:18
  you know, I didn't know that was a facade I didn't
• 29:21
  know I was just trying to act like that. I just
• 29:23
  acted like that and You know, I'm not saying
• 29:26
  to go get your heart broken to figure it out
• 29:28
  But to figure it out is really nice because you
• 29:31
  know I can see Who I truly am now and you know,
• 29:35
  I'm not the same guy and that doesn't mean that
• 29:38
  You know, I'm gonna she's gonna run back to me
• 29:41
  because I'm a changed man But it's like because
• 29:43
  it's it's not for her that I changed I just realized
• 29:46
  that you know, I didn't like the path that I
• 29:48
  was on I didn't like who I was becoming and us
• 29:52
  that doesn't have to do with you know, my friends
• 29:55
  or anything that just it was kind of had to do
• 29:57
  with me like Because my friends, you know, they
• 29:59
  don't care that you know I'm changed now like
• 30:01
  they still still hang out with me still do all
• 30:04
  this You know, I'm just I'm no longer making
• 30:07
  those digs anymore so that's That's the lesson,
• 30:12
  huh that they still like you no matter what exactly,
• 30:15
  you know, like you might think That you need
• 30:19
  to put this facade up that you know, nothing
• 30:21
  affects you You know, you're too cool or the
• 30:24
  exact opposite like, you know Because I don't
• 30:26
  know about the other end of the spectrum, but
• 30:28
  there might be friend groups where it's like
• 30:30
  You know you try and act overly happy about something
• 30:35
  that you don't like because everyone else in
• 30:37
  your group likes it so you know being your true
• 30:41
  self and conflicting with your friends is more
• 30:45
  important than Trying to be their they're like
• 30:48
  robot because you know, no one no one wants to
• 30:51
  hang out with Like it's called a yes, man. No
• 30:54
  one wants to hang out with a yes, man because
• 30:56
  it's like well some people do but you're never
• 30:58
  gonna be close friends with a yes, man because
• 31:01
  all they're ever gonna do is agree with you and
• 31:04
  agree with your opinions and that's kind of the
• 31:07
  thing that Kind of lacked was that I didn't like
• 31:13
  when others Disagree with my opinions because
• 31:15
  I didn't want to disagree with others opinions
• 31:17
  and I didn't care about disagreeing with others
• 31:18
  opinions It was something I was passionate about
• 31:21
  but it's like I would never fully disagree with
• 31:25
  like my girlfriend's opinions because I didn't
• 31:27
  want to Hurt her in a way, I guess but it's like
• 31:31
  when she disagreed with my opinions It was kind
• 31:34
  of the same thing, but I would take it a lot
• 31:36
  more to heart which is you know something we
• 31:39
  can talk about later on about like why I would
• 31:41
  do that, but it's It was a lot more personal
• 31:43
  than I even realized like why I felt the way
• 31:46
  I felt about certain things That I didn't even
• 31:49
  know back then so it's like, you know everything
• 31:52
  Your true self will find you like that That's
• 31:55
  the end of the day thing is like you will find
• 31:58
  who you're supposed to be. You know, you might
• 31:59
  be 40 when you figure it out and then have a
• 32:02
  midlife crisis, which you know isn't the best
• 32:05
  but you know, you will Like everything takes
• 32:09
  time like not trying to be like preachy but you
• 32:13
  know there is a path that you're supposed to
• 32:15
  be on and like a destiny and everything happens
• 32:18
  for That reason and you know, I could never imagine
• 32:23
  losing her Losing her but it's like that helped
• 32:27
  me figure out, you know, I didn't like who I
• 32:29
  was becoming I didn't like what I was doing with
• 32:32
  my time because it was like a lot of my time
• 32:35
  during lunch when I should have been you know
• 32:37
  doing other things I was you know making fun
• 32:41
  of others or you know I'm not trying to be like
• 32:43
  the mean kid you know I didn't make fun of that
• 32:44
  many people what it was like you know like just
• 32:46
  a little insults like if someone did something
• 32:49
  dumb or like tripped on the patio like we would
• 32:51
  kind of make fun of that a little bit you know
• 32:52
  just like as teenage boys do It surprises me
• 32:57
  though because I know you as You know pretty
• 33:01
  sweet and and you know, yes, we're all sarcastic
• 33:04
  in our family, right? But I am surprised by that.
• 33:08
  But like you said teenage boys, right and I I
• 33:11
  get that I was never like never like makes it
• 33:14
  worse actually it was never to their face like
• 33:16
  we wouldn't it's like we would like go up and
• 33:18
  point and laugh at them, but it'd be like the
• 33:20
  the little snarky comments You didn't really
• 33:24
  answer it, you said we'd get to it later, but
• 33:26
  I am interested if you know, you may not, why
• 33:31
  you felt the need to put up such a facade. I
• 33:37
  mean, obviously we can kind of Freud it out a
• 33:41
  second, you know, like you had a lot of stuff
• 33:43
  happen in your family, right? But do you think
• 33:47
  that that's a part of it? Do you think that...
• 33:50
  You were doing it beforehand. Like maybe when
• 33:53
  your mom got sick, like what do you think? I
• 33:56
  felt like I always wanted to be Like that kid
• 34:00
  I didn't want I didn't want to be you know, like
• 34:03
  the the sad kid or the yeah the sad kid So I
• 34:07
  felt like I always put up this this front that
• 34:10
  I was, you know And I never wanted to be the
• 34:12
  dumb kid either and I'm not dumb, but and I didn't
• 34:15
  try Lot in my first few years of high school.
• 34:18
  I just had a lot going on so you know I didn't
• 34:21
  get the grades that my friends were getting even
• 34:24
  though I Looking back like especially from this
• 34:27
  junior year how I've been doing you know I definitely
• 34:29
  could have I could have gotten amazing grades,
• 34:31
  but I didn't For some reason I didn't care about
• 34:36
  that and I think that had a lot to do with you
• 34:38
  know my dad didn't finish college and he's one
• 34:43
  of the most successful people I know, you know,
• 34:46
  he does all this this like Just has a lot and
• 34:51
  you know, I I look at that and i'm like I looked
• 34:53
  at that and i'm like, you know, I don't need
• 34:54
  to finish college either I don't you know, I
• 34:56
  would I always wanted to finish college but I
• 34:58
  was like, you know If he didn't need to try I
• 35:00
  don't need to try and I could be just as successful
• 35:01
  but it's like That's not how it works. You know,
• 35:04
  i'm not trying to say that he got lucky but because
• 35:07
  he worked his ass off for it, but you know It
• 35:10
  does take that it does actually working for and
• 35:13
  I didn't Didn't work for it and I didn't try
• 35:16
  so, you know, that's kind of where that came
• 35:19
  from but back to the main point it's like I Put
• 35:22
  that wall up because I still wanted to seem as
• 35:26
  smart as I actually was I still wanted to seem
• 35:28
  like I was in par in line with everyone else
• 35:32
  and So I lied a lot about you know, my grades
• 35:37
  to my friends. I lied about You know how things
• 35:41
  were at home just cuz you know Never wanted to
• 35:44
  be the main thing when my mom got sick I didn't
• 35:48
  want to be the the cancer kid and I didn't want
• 35:51
  people to look at me and be like Oh his mom has
• 35:53
  cancer like feel bad for him, you know feel feel
• 35:57
  the certain way for him I wanted people to like
• 35:59
  me For you know, not even who I was because I
• 36:02
  kind of put up like a fake about who I was but
• 36:05
  One of you would like see me and be like, oh
• 36:08
  he's doing perfect. You know, he's He never had
• 36:12
  anything wrong happen to him and you know, a
• 36:15
  lot of people did think that so it it worked
• 36:18
  because you know a lot of people when You know
• 36:22
  just over these past few years of high school
• 36:24
  and I kind of stopped putting up that front,
• 36:26
  you know and like I started to know a lot more
• 36:29
  people and I started become friends with people
• 36:32
  that I didn't know before, you know They looked
• 36:35
  at me when I would you know break down in front
• 36:37
  of them not even break down But like just get
• 36:39
  emotional about certain things and you know,
• 36:41
  they'd be like, you know Why are you so emotional
• 36:43
  about this? Like you've never had to deal with
• 36:44
  that like I remember one of my one of my not
• 36:47
  even their friends now but you know that we weren't
• 36:50
  that close back then he was talking about you
• 36:53
  know, it was a jersey number and soccer and you
• 36:57
  know, I just lost my mom and she had always worn
• 37:00
  number five and He took number five because he
• 37:04
  was a senior and I was like I need to wear that
• 37:07
  number for soccer season this year and he was
• 37:10
  like You know like why like you can have it next
• 37:12
  year and I was like, yeah But I kind of want
• 37:14
  to wear it like it means a lot to me and he was
• 37:17
  like Like what did you like get your first phone
• 37:20
  when you were five or something, you know Just
• 37:21
  kind of making fun of like oh my life's been
• 37:24
  perfect. You know, nothing is nothing has happened
• 37:26
  to me because that's that's who I Wanted to be
• 37:29
  I wanted to be the kid that you know That's who
• 37:32
  you projected. Yeah, I wanted to be the kid that,
• 37:34
  you know, went to private schools all life. And
• 37:36
  I don't even know why. I just wanted to I wanted
• 37:37
  to be like the like the rich kid, I guess, like
• 37:40
  the one that's never had like the nepo baby.
• 37:43
  And I don't know why, but it's like and I definitely
• 37:47
  am, you know, a rich kid. I'm never going to
• 37:49
  say that I'm not. I'm definitely spoiled as well.
• 37:52
  But I wanted to. This is true. I wanted to be
• 37:56
  that kid. And it's like. You know, I had to tell
• 37:58
  him I had to be like, you know, my mom wore that
• 38:00
  number and he was like Like okay, like you can
• 38:04
  wear it for her next year. I was like, they know
• 38:06
  barely my mom passed away like I need to wear
• 38:08
  that number and he was like Yo, bro, I'm so sorry.
• 38:10
  Like I wouldn't I would have never guessed that
• 38:12
  and it's like those are the things that you know,
• 38:15
  like really just told me that you know, the facade
• 38:17
  is working like keep this up keep this acting
• 38:20
  because it's like Nobody knows who you truly
• 38:23
  are and it's it's it's way easier that way. Okay,
• 38:26
  but wait It's working you say but then when you
• 38:30
  told the guy that had the number five that you
• 38:33
  needed it and why? Did that feel okay? It actually
• 38:40
  felt really uncomfortable, you know, I I felt
• 38:43
  like There's a lot of there's like a thing called
• 38:46
  trauma dumping and I feel like whenever I open
• 38:49
  up That's what I feel like happens, you know,
• 38:51
  even when I'm speaking to friends about you know,
• 38:53
  just like You know my girlfriend or something
• 38:56
  like that Like I just felt like I was trauma
• 38:59
  dumping or like when I would speak about how
• 39:01
  sad I was like that my family kind of drifted
• 39:04
  apart and everything like that like I just felt
• 39:07
  instead of Easier instead of it kind of relieving
• 39:11
  some of it. I felt like I was putting a weight
• 39:15
  onto them in a way that it's like Felt bad because
• 39:20
  all I was doing was Yeah trauma dumping I was
• 39:24
  like making them sad and making them kind of
• 39:27
  quote -unquote Uncomfortable in a way because
• 39:29
  you know a lot of people don't know what to say
• 39:31
  back to that not not trying to like diss them
• 39:34
  but it's like a lot of people wouldn't know if
• 39:36
  I just went up to my boys now like obviously
• 39:39
  they would know what to say but if I just went
• 39:40
  up to like one of my friends and just started
• 39:43
  like telling them everything, you know, they're
• 39:45
  probably just gonna be like I'm so sorry and
• 39:47
  I'm here for you. I feel you, you know, I'm here
• 39:50
  if you need to talk which is like the most That's
• 39:52
  another auto response people have is like when
• 39:54
  someone is going through something It's always
• 39:58
  the same three like I'm sorry I'm here for you.
• 40:02
  And if you ever need anything like talk to me
• 40:05
  Do you think that it made you feel worse because
• 40:08
  it was such an un it was such a foreign way of
• 40:12
  being to you because you had this you know that
• 40:14
  chainmail right like you had been wearing it
• 40:16
  for so long do you think that was part of it
• 40:20
  and also when your ex was your girlfriend you
• 40:26
  didn't think that you could talk to her about
• 40:29
  that like let's just say that specific story
• 40:31
  about the number five um you know i always talked
• 40:34
  to her about it but not in a way that actually
• 40:39
  helped me you know it'd be like I'd be mad or
• 40:42
  when I'd be You know upset about something, you
• 40:46
  know, I'd bring that up. I'd be like, you know
• 40:49
  Or if I was just down, you know, I'd be like,
• 40:52
  you know, my life kind of sucks right now And
• 40:54
  it's like she's like, oh don't say that and then
• 40:57
  I would just rattle everything off And that was
• 41:00
  never was never healthy because it's like that
• 41:02
  didn't help me do anything and actually made
• 41:04
  it more Unhealthy in a way because it's like
• 41:08
  All I would do is was try and use that to prove
• 41:11
  a point instead of to like actually Get it off
• 41:15
  my chest and to start healing about it. It was
• 41:17
  it was to to kind of help me win that argument
• 41:22
  in a way it was never an argument, but like It
• 41:25
  was like the I love you more game. It's like
• 41:27
  I was I was winning that in a way Between you
• 41:31
  and her between me and her And it was never you
• 41:35
  know, she was she was actually amazing about
• 41:38
  it all like, you know She was like she didn't
• 41:40
  do the auto response like, you know, I'm here
• 41:42
  for you. I'm sorry It was like she would let
• 41:45
  me speak about it. She'd be like like Jackson
• 41:47
  like you your family is so amazing and how they
• 41:52
  and how they You know kind of still kind of stick
• 41:55
  together for you Even if it's not in the same
• 41:58
  way it was before, you know they're still together
• 42:01
  for you and it's like I never kind of realized
• 42:04
  when she would say that and I would because I'd
• 42:08
  be I'd be so mad I'd be so mad at them I'd be
• 42:10
  so mad at everything and it's like I Should have
• 42:12
  just well, there's a lot of I coulda woulda shoulda
• 42:15
  so I'm not even gonna go down that path But you
• 42:18
  know if I did listen to her more and if I did
• 42:22
  You know kind of be more in touch with my feelings,
• 42:25
  you know Most likely we'd still be together,
• 42:28
  but then most likely, you know, I might not have
• 42:31
  realized I didn't like the nonchalantness, so.
• 42:35
  Well, yeah, I mean, coulda, shoulda, right? Like
• 42:38
  I said, we don't know. It seems to me that, I
• 42:42
  don't know if this is a family trait, but it's
• 42:46
  easier to be in touch with an anger emotion than
• 42:50
  it is, or happy, right? Than it is for sadness,
• 42:55
  fear, like we don't seem to. Like those emotions
• 43:00
  so much we're not so comfortable with yeah, yeah
• 43:03
  No, not blaming anyone because you know, it is
• 43:07
  my fault but you know for the first I don't know
• 43:12
  14 years of my life the only emotion I kind of
• 43:17
  really ever saw from anyone was Anger in a way
• 43:22
  because you know besides when My grandma passed
• 43:28
  away when people were sad. It's like That that's
• 43:33
  kind of the only time I ever saw My dad be sad
• 43:39
  and you know, that's It's not his fault. That's
• 43:43
  not it's not my fault either. It's it's no one's
• 43:45
  fault that it was like that, but it's like You
• 43:48
  know, I didn't I didn't grow up and a lot of
• 43:51
  boys. I feel like don't grow up learning To be
• 43:54
  sad to be in touch with your emotions like that's
• 43:58
  not really who I guess quote -unquote men are
• 44:01
  is like to be sad, but it's like You know if
• 44:05
  that had happened it, you know, I don't know
• 44:08
  who I would have been today, but it's like You
• 44:12
  would be a lot more in touch with sadness if
• 44:15
  you're shown sadness from a young age because
• 44:17
  you pick up a lot of traits From your parents
• 44:20
  and you know my parents Love all of them, but
• 44:23
  you know they didn't have the most healthy relationships
• 44:26
  at time. There's a lot of Arguing a lot of yelling
• 44:30
  a lot of bickering and a lot of digs at each
• 44:32
  other and that that's kind of what I picked up
• 44:35
  on instead of you know when they would Rekindle
• 44:38
  and when they would be sad together and try and
• 44:41
  fix things I wouldn't see that I wouldn't be
• 44:43
  there for that because they would they wouldn't
• 44:44
  want their kids to see that but it's like all
• 44:47
  I would see is that bickering so I'm like Okay,
• 44:49
  that's how I display my emotions. That's how
• 44:51
  I That's how I do everything is I need to show
• 44:56
  no emotion unless it's anger unless it's trying
• 44:59
  to put a dig at someone else and winning that
• 45:01
  argument winning that fight when it's really
• 45:03
  you know, you're You know, it's just like a common
• 45:07
  quote, but it's like you're never in a fight
• 45:09
  With or against your partner. You're always in
• 45:13
  a fight with your partner Because you got to
• 45:15
  work it out together. You got to be there together.
• 45:17
  You got to fix it together instead of it takes
• 45:20
  two. Exactly. You know, it takes the two. Yeah,
• 45:23
  because like you could you could put 100 percent
• 45:26
  into a relationship, but if they're putting zero
• 45:28
  percent, it's always going to be zero percent
• 45:30
  no matter what you put in. If they're putting
• 45:33
  in zero, then it's never going to equate to anything.
• 45:37
  That's right. Do you think that you put in? Less
• 45:42
  than your ex -girlfriend because you weren't
• 45:46
  being the real you Did you know you weren't being
• 45:50
  the real you like sometimes? I think you vacillate
• 45:53
  like maybe maybe that the the real you got lost
• 45:56
  under the performance you at all times Yeah,
• 45:59
  honestly, I would say You know, I definitely
• 46:02
  feel like she put More effort in than me a lot
• 46:07
  of the time, you know No matter what it was,
• 46:10
  you know if I was Upset or emotional, you know,
• 46:12
  I would always be there for her. I'd always let
• 46:14
  her talk. I'd always let her have her time, but
• 46:16
  it's like When I would know when I would be upset
• 46:20
  it would be a lot more of her trying to help
• 46:24
  me But when she was upset, you know, it would
• 46:27
  be a lot more of you know, why do you feel this
• 46:29
  way? Like do you think never it was never like
• 46:33
  a I don't know. I feel like I'm losing it but
• 46:35
  it's like She just put more time and effort into
• 46:39
  it than I would and I just think that was kind
• 46:41
  of like our personalities You know, she would
• 46:43
  always want maybe she explored of the reasons
• 46:46
  why you were more upset like trying to help you
• 46:49
  Solve it or figure it out where you were like,
• 46:52
  well, um kind of in a way I mean, you know neither
• 46:56
  of us knew and that's kind of the hardest part
• 46:59
  is neither of us knew Why I would get because
• 47:02
  I got upset a bunch of little things, you know,
• 47:04
  it was never There was never a big argument between
• 47:07
  us. It was little petty ones that would turn
• 47:09
  into big arguments that would turn into little
• 47:12
  stuff like kind of just like let's say one night
• 47:15
  she would want to go out with her friends or
• 47:18
  something like that and I would want to spend
• 47:20
  time in and I felt like if she went out she was
• 47:24
  choosing them over me and I felt that way because
• 47:28
  you know, I didn't want to be abandoned and I
• 47:30
  didn't want to be chosen over because you know,
• 47:33
  no offense to my dad, but he chose Other things
• 47:40
  over my sister in a way that you know kind of
• 47:43
  kind of wrecked me because no matter what I did
• 47:46
  no matter what I tried to do for them, you know,
• 47:49
  I never brought them back together and What I
• 47:52
  realized is they just needed time and they have
• 47:54
  come back together. They've rekindled and that's
• 47:56
  great, but it's like I kind of never never realized
• 48:01
  that and never realized that you know this time
• 48:04
  is actually good that we're spending apart because
• 48:07
  I'm learning so much about myself and like why
• 48:11
  I don't like those petty arguments and why I
• 48:14
  felt like I was getting abandoned because you
• 48:16
  know my mom passed away and I felt like she abandoned
• 48:19
  us and you know just kind of the whole family
• 48:22
  split I feel like it was abandoning you know
• 48:25
  my childhood in a way so by her doing that You
• 48:29
  know the most normal thing, you know Just wanting
• 48:31
  to hang out with friends because when I would
• 48:33
  want to hang out with friends, you know It would
• 48:34
  be a oh my god have so much fun and that's always
• 48:37
  what I said to her i'd be like, okay Have so
• 48:39
  much fun and then i'd replay it over and over
• 48:42
  and over and over again in my head To the point
• 48:45
  where it became toxic and to the point where
• 48:47
  I became Angry because I would come to the abandonment
• 48:51
  conclusion instead of the You know jackson. She
• 48:54
  needs to have space. She needs to have fun. You
• 48:57
  know, we're not 70 years old married like we're
• 49:00
  not doing every single thing together like she
• 49:02
  needs to still find out who she is and By me
• 49:07
  doing that, you know, it pushed her further and
• 49:09
  further and further away every single time That
• 49:12
  I would get mad because you know, it wouldn't
• 49:14
  even be like just getting mad. It would be like
• 49:17
  Just being an asshole in general, you know I'd
• 49:20
  I'd bring up past things that you know, I didn't
• 49:23
  like when when the thing would happen, you know
• 49:26
  It was just it was it was honestly like to be
• 49:29
  completely honest. It was when I would get like
• 49:32
  that a very very toxic relationship because it
• 49:36
  was it was a lot of bickering instead of trying
• 49:39
  to help it and You know the worst part about
• 49:42
  it is for the longest time. I just thought Jackson,
• 49:47
  why are you so angry? Why are you why are you
• 49:50
  why can't you control your anger? Like do you
• 49:52
  need to go to anger management and? When we did
• 49:55
  break up that was one of the things I said that
• 49:57
  you know I might try and do is go to anger management
• 50:00
  because I didn't understand why I got mad and
• 50:04
  why I got So mad to the point where I couldn't
• 50:08
  even see it like that's that's the worst part
• 50:11
  And you know that that hurt me every time She
• 50:14
  said it was like it was like I was two different
• 50:17
  people, you know that that's also how I saw it
• 50:19
  is There was you know, normal Jackson how I am
• 50:22
  right now and then there was like this angry
• 50:25
  prideful Jackson that wouldn't let go until I
• 50:30
  don't know it was never even an answer that I
• 50:32
  was looking for wasn't an I'm sorry because an
• 50:34
  I'm sorry wouldn't do anything with it like He
• 50:37
  would like poke the bear for some reason. I was
• 50:39
  like I would actually get like more and more
• 50:42
  defensive and 30 minutes after the argument,
• 50:45
  you know, I'd completely forget about it or I'd
• 50:48
  have a good time at lunch with my friends or
• 50:50
  something like that and You know, I would act
• 50:53
  like nothing happened and and then I would I
• 50:55
  would apologize I'd be like, you know, I'm so
• 50:57
  sorry for how I just acted like, you know And
• 50:59
  I hated myself for it and I never let her know
• 51:02
  how much I hated myself for but you know, it
• 51:05
  was It was one of the things that if I could
• 51:07
  cut out about myself, and you know I wouldn't
• 51:09
  cut it out now because I've learned to Kind of
• 51:12
  control it and be better about it, but you know
• 51:15
  I would have cut that out in a heartbeat and
• 51:17
  not anything else that I didn't like about myself,
• 51:20
  but it's like That just made me you know in a
• 51:23
  way kind of a horrible boyfriend because it was
• 51:26
  it was just non -stop And it was over the littlest
• 51:30
  thing so you know Jackson There's a saying that
• 51:34
  hurt people hurt people, you know, and I think
• 51:38
  Everything that you just said about how your
• 51:42
  parents communicated how You know the bickering
• 51:46
  the sarcasm the fracture of your family That
• 51:49
  and and then of course the ultimate the loss
• 51:52
  of your mother You're hurt, you know, and I think
• 51:57
  You know, I'm not a psychologist, but I do think
• 52:01
  that You acted out and unfortunately you act
• 52:06
  out on the wrong person, you know Yeah, I thought
• 52:08
  it was I thought it was the easiest to because
• 52:11
  I felt like she would always been there So, you
• 52:13
  know, well you probably trusted her in the most
• 52:15
  too Yeah, you hurt you hurt the people you love
• 52:17
  the most because you love them the most and it's
• 52:19
  like you feel the closest to them so you feel
• 52:22
  like you can take it out on them which is never
• 52:24
  the right thing to do but it's like because I
• 52:28
  Loved her so much. I felt like I could Take out
• 52:33
  my anger in a way on on her and you know never
• 52:35
  physical because I would never do that but you
• 52:38
  know Let's talk about your therapist for a second
• 52:43
  your FF you said you made things that you act
• 52:47
  like everything was fine I think you said to
• 52:49
  me like oh you just sat there and brag about
• 52:50
  yourself because you know everything was fine
• 52:53
  and It was interesting to me that you didn't
• 52:57
  have anything to talk to her about when everything
• 53:00
  was fine But was it fine um You know speaking
• 53:07
  directly about therapy right now. I if I'm gonna
• 53:11
  be honest I used to think therapy was a joke.
• 53:14
  I thought therapy was You know something that
• 53:17
  they made up You know never it never helped me
• 53:20
  because I was never me inside of therapy and
• 53:23
  not that was the problem is instead of you know
• 53:28
  buying in to therapy All I did was push it further
• 53:32
  away and I did like an ego thing in therapy where
• 53:35
  I just kind of stroked my own ego and made up
• 53:38
  things about myself that were completely untrue
• 53:40
  and You know looking back now. That's the reason
• 53:43
  therapy never worked for me is because I made
• 53:46
  up things To feel better about myself to look
• 53:49
  better about myself Told her I was fine told
• 53:53
  her I was okay told her you know, I'm happy and
• 53:56
  I'm I'm fine. I'm doing well when You know honestly
• 54:01
  looking back I probably did feel fine when I
• 54:05
  would say that I probably did feel okay because
• 54:08
  I never It's kind of hard to say I never mourned
• 54:12
  My mom in a way. I never I never sat, you know
• 54:17
  There was a few nights where I feel a very strong
• 54:20
  connection and miss her greatly But I never on
• 54:23
  the day that she passed. I didn't cry One time,
• 54:27
  you know that the time that I did cry is when
• 54:30
  she sat me down and told me that she was going
• 54:34
  on hospice and would no longer be here in a few
• 54:38
  months and That that night I you know, I walked
• 54:42
  outside and I just I just sat outside on our
• 54:45
  stairs crying for an hour so Until they came
• 54:50
  and got me outside because of how long I had
• 54:53
  been out there they thought I had like walked
• 54:55
  away because they wanted to give me my space
• 54:57
  and They came outside and I just I came back
• 55:02
  in and every single time I Looked at my mom.
• 55:07
  It was tears. I cried profusely because I knew
• 55:11
  that I Was losing my best friend. So You know
• 55:17
  That was the hardest night for me and after that
• 55:20
  I kind of Dug myself into anything but her because
• 55:25
  I couldn't accept the fact that you know, she
• 55:28
  was passing and That was kind of the hardest
• 55:31
  thing to look back on is I spent a lot of time
• 55:35
  with a girl that I didn't really you know, I
• 55:39
  cared about her, you know, and you know, it was
• 55:42
  I didn't see a long future like how I saw with
• 55:46
  my Previous girlfriend. I or my like the most
• 55:50
  recent girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah and I saw a long
• 55:53
  future there, but I didn't see a long future
• 55:55
  with my last one you know, I told myself a few
• 55:57
  times like are you just doing this as a coping
• 56:00
  thing and Turns out I was because looking back
• 56:04
  on it all I wish I did and I think she also knew
• 56:08
  it but didn't didn't know how to tell me because
• 56:12
  there was a few times that she was like She was
• 56:15
  like Jackson like are you sure you want to hang
• 56:18
  out today? Are you sure you don't want to spend
• 56:20
  time with your mom and looking back like I told
• 56:23
  her no I'm fine No, she'll show because I think
• 56:25
  I was in denial in a way I was like I didn't
• 56:29
  want to accept that that might have been the
• 56:31
  last day that might have been the last week that
• 56:33
  might have been the last month I wanted to Continue
• 56:37
  on like everything was fine because you know
• 56:39
  she was this one of the strongest woman or strongest
• 56:42
  people I've ever known She fought so hard all
• 56:47
  the time and it's um, but yeah, no, I feel like
• 56:50
  this was a therapy question I'm just saying like
• 56:59
  why you thought you know, you could I don't even
• 57:02
  remember my question It was just something about
• 57:04
  oh why couldn't why couldn't I like tell what
• 57:07
  was really going on? Yeah. Yes. I don't know.
• 57:09
  I just feel like it was easier to To fake it
• 57:13
  like fake it to your make it it was easier to
• 57:16
  act like everything was fine because that would
• 57:20
  mean I could stop going to therapy if I acted
• 57:25
  like everything was fine it meant no more therapy
• 57:28
  and I hated therapy for some reason because I
• 57:32
  found it like a pointless point of time and So
• 57:36
  there was there was this big thing that I always
• 57:38
  bring up when I speak about how I was in old
• 57:40
  therapy where I told my therapist I You know
• 57:43
  played basketball every day, and I was like most
• 57:46
  dedicated I was like the greatest player of all
• 57:48
  time basically because you know like everyone
• 57:50
  does that everyone does you know? Hypes himself
• 57:53
  up, but it went to a point where you know I told
• 57:56
  her I would go to the gym Six times a week when
• 57:59
  you know clearly by just looking at me you could
• 58:03
  tell I didn't Go to the gym six times a week
• 58:06
  and that was one of the biggest things I've changed
• 58:09
  over the past year now i've i've gone to the
• 58:11
  gym very consistently um five to six times a
• 58:16
  week for a year straight now and it's it's been
• 58:19
  the most dramatic increase of happiness in my
• 58:22
  life because I look forward to the gym, you know
• 58:25
  a lot of people say that Takes a lot for them
• 58:28
  to go to the gym for me if I don't go to the
• 58:32
  gym I don't have a good day and that's it's well
• 58:34
  not it not even that I still have a good day,
• 58:36
  but it's like a Gym is a very happy place for
• 58:40
  me. Well, I mean chemically it gets your endorphins
• 58:44
  going, right? It's good for your brain, right
• 58:48
  to work off stress and and any emotion that you
• 58:54
  might be feeling. And then also physically you
• 58:58
  feel much better, right? So I could see why that
• 59:01
  happens. And what you told the therapist that
• 59:05
  wasn't exactly true, you actually made it come
• 59:08
  true. So I mean, yeah, maybe it was just something
• 59:11
  that you really wanted to be like. Yeah, I mean,
• 59:14
  I told her that's a great point is I told her
• 59:17
  everything I wanted to be like. I wanted to be,
• 59:21
  you know, this Perfect student. I she thought
• 59:23
  I was a genius, you know, I told her I went home
• 59:27
  and I studied every night and I never I never
• 59:30
  said that I played video games and back then
• 59:32
  that's all I did it's all I did I would go home
• 59:35
  from school and You know looking back it was
• 59:39
  kind of bomb activities. I'd get home from school
• 59:42
  After you know a practice or something. I would
• 59:45
  door -dash fast food I would play video games
• 59:50
  until I could barely keep my eyes open and then
• 59:53
  wake up super tired in the morning and be late
• 59:56
  to school every single day for basically my whole
• 1:00:00
  freshman year and So that was a that was a big
• 1:00:03
  problem is I would never study I would never
• 1:00:06
  do anything because I just thought you know middle
• 1:00:07
  school and lower school came very easy to me
• 1:00:11
  because I'm not trying to brag but and I do have
• 1:00:15
  a base level of intelligence that is Quite high.
• 1:00:18
  So it's it was way easier to You know not do
• 1:00:23
  anything in middle school in middle school My
• 1:00:25
  grades were almost perfect and I never studied
• 1:00:28
  for a single test. I never had to because You
• 1:00:32
  know, I just I picked everything up so much quicker,
• 1:00:34
  you know I was I was one of those kids in lower
• 1:00:37
  school that just knew how to do like everything
• 1:00:40
  while still being good at sports while still
• 1:00:42
  Having a good friend group. So it was like I
• 1:00:45
  never thought I would lose that and I lost that
• 1:00:47
  because In middle school, I didn't prepare myself
• 1:00:51
  for high school and then when I got to high school
• 1:00:53
  And I actually did need to study. I didn't know
• 1:00:55
  how to study. I didn't want to study All I wanted
• 1:00:57
  to do is keep playing my video games. So I I
• 1:01:01
  told my therapist that you know that I would
• 1:01:03
  study every single night and I'd cook home cooked
• 1:01:06
  meals and I was like a Pro chef and you know,
• 1:01:09
  i'm still not even a good chef. I know how to
• 1:01:10
  cook like maybe ground beef and everyone knows
• 1:01:13
  how to cook your own beef, so. Not everybody,
• 1:01:16
  not everybody. There's a researcher named, his
• 1:01:20
  last name is Pennebaker, and he talks about the
• 1:01:24
  long -term emotional toll on performing fine,
• 1:01:31
  right? The suppressed emotions cause stress.
• 1:01:35
  They cause your health to be compromised. The
• 1:01:42
  worst part is your sense of self over time starts
• 1:01:46
  to fade, right? And that's kind of like what
• 1:01:48
  we've been talking about the entire time, right?
• 1:01:52
  So I just think it stops you. And I think it's
• 1:01:55
  very interesting that from this breakup, it's
• 1:02:00
  what opened the door for you to say, I don't
• 1:02:05
  want to be like this anymore. Yeah, it showed
• 1:02:07
  me who I actually wanted to be. You know, it
• 1:02:10
  came in the worst way, but you know, still grateful
• 1:02:13
  for her. You know, I actually told her thank
• 1:02:14
  you the other day when we had a little in -person
• 1:02:17
  convo about maybe I think two weeks now ago.
• 1:02:22
  And I just said like, you know, I never wanted
• 1:02:25
  to lose you, but losing you showed me who I actually
• 1:02:29
  wanted to be. So like, thank you for that. I
• 1:02:33
  have two questions. With you just saying that
• 1:02:38
  when your relationship ended I'm interested to
• 1:02:41
  know how you physically felt in your body and
• 1:02:45
  How you feel now? Um, you know that night was
• 1:02:49
  um, you know opening up about this it isn't easy
• 1:02:54
  especially because you know she might see it
• 1:02:57
  later on or like a friend might see it, but I'm
• 1:03:00
  not trying to be corny or anything. It's like
• 1:03:03
  that night was harder Than losing, um my mom
• 1:03:08
  in a way because it was I lost more than Just
• 1:03:12
  like my girlfriend and I lost my best friend.
• 1:03:16
  I lost my companion. I lost This person that
• 1:03:19
  you know, we built our whole Lives together for
• 1:03:23
  all a lot of our high school life together because
• 1:03:25
  we started very start of sophomore year and To
• 1:03:30
  lose her at the very end of junior year, you
• 1:03:32
  know Everyone called us like the married couple
• 1:03:35
  of our school, you know, like the mom and dad
• 1:03:38
  and it was like, you know I kind of saw us as
• 1:03:40
  that too. So that night Not being able to you
• 1:03:45
  know and the days that followed not being able
• 1:03:48
  to text her not being able to tell her everything
• 1:03:50
  I was doing not being able to like get an update
• 1:03:53
  not being able to Say hi not being able to hang
• 1:03:56
  out. You know, it was it was extremely extremely
• 1:04:00
  hard it felt like Well, I did I felt like I lost
• 1:04:05
  a part of myself because You know you always
• 1:04:08
  eat when you when you're with someone because
• 1:04:10
  we were together for almost two years when you're
• 1:04:12
  with someone for that long You're no longer just
• 1:04:16
  You know, you're so you're yourself. You're you're
• 1:04:19
  together You're a lot of your identity is built
• 1:04:21
  with them, especially when you're in your formative
• 1:04:24
  years So, you know going to any spot listening
• 1:04:27
  to any music that we might have listened to I
• 1:04:29
  couldn't there was a lot of movies that we had
• 1:04:32
  watched together and you know I started this
• 1:04:35
  thing with um my mom and my sister where we watch
• 1:04:39
  a movie every night now because you know I just
• 1:04:42
  just want to have fun wanna because I felt like
• 1:04:44
  you know that was a big thing that I also realized
• 1:04:47
  by the relationship ending was I didn't spend
• 1:04:49
  enough time with the people that I loved including
• 1:04:52
  you I feel like we don't spend enough time together
• 1:04:55
  and You know, it's just like that's something
• 1:04:57
  I'm very regretful about because I felt like
• 1:05:00
  me and her didn't spend that much or as much
• 1:05:02
  time as I wanted doing things that we should
• 1:05:04
  have done like She what we wanted to do this
• 1:05:07
  over summer. We were gonna start where it was
• 1:05:09
  alphabet dating So we were gonna like go to the
• 1:05:12
  aquarium and then a bowling alley until we got
• 1:05:15
  all the way down to Z and You know just doing
• 1:05:19
  all that and So I was looking forward to that.
• 1:05:22
  So just, you know, when it ended, I kind of just
• 1:05:25
  felt like my future collapsed as well because
• 1:05:29
  my future, everything had her in it. So it was
• 1:05:33
  harder to let that go in a way. So that night
• 1:05:38
  and I felt horrible sat in my room for four hours
• 1:05:44
  almost because we stopped talking at seven and
• 1:05:48
  I didn't stop. You know sitting in my room until
• 1:05:51
  almost 11 o 'clock just Just crying, you know,
• 1:05:56
  that was the longest I've ever By the end, you
• 1:05:59
  know didn't have tears left. It was just You
• 1:06:03
  know everything and it was it was so sad and
• 1:06:06
  then you know that weekend Was super hard going
• 1:06:10
  to school the next day seeing her first thing
• 1:06:12
  one of the hardest things I've ever had to do
• 1:06:15
  But you know, it's it's gotten better It's got
• 1:06:18
  a lot better still hurts to see her and not be
• 1:06:21
  able to talk to her and I'll be able to do anything
• 1:06:23
  but it's like you know, I am moving on slowly,
• 1:06:27
  but surely and What's that moving on feel like
• 1:06:32
  physically in your body? What's that feel? Oh,
• 1:06:34
  it stings Honestly, that's that's the main thing
• 1:06:37
  is it it stings because it's you know, no matter
• 1:06:40
  how far I've moved on it. I always get a reminder
• 1:06:46
  of her and like um last week whenever we would
• 1:06:50
  even have a class together i'd get weak in the
• 1:06:52
  knees from anxiety of just seeing her just you
• 1:06:57
  know maybe the the hope of maybe you know she'll
• 1:07:00
  realize that night like the night before or the
• 1:07:03
  class before that she misses me so much and then
• 1:07:05
  you know she talked to me all class and we'd
• 1:07:07
  rekindle but you know that that's never going
• 1:07:10
  to happen especially not now to give that a lot
• 1:07:13
  of time and space but it's You know that that's
• 1:07:16
  always what it was. It was the the anxiety and
• 1:07:19
  the hope of everything so it that that's kind
• 1:07:22
  of gone away not fully away, but you know I'm
• 1:07:26
  a lot less hopeful of our relationship and that's
• 1:07:31
  actually helped me a lot more because not not
• 1:07:35
  continuing to like Continuing to have my brain
• 1:07:40
  think about you know, oh You're gonna get her
• 1:07:45
  back. You're gonna get her back. It's it's now
• 1:07:47
  moved on to the You know, how are you gonna be
• 1:07:50
  happy? How are how are you gonna make yourself
• 1:07:52
  happy and it's still a lot harder there's an
• 1:07:55
  artist that we that she actually like put me
• 1:07:58
  on to called Olivia Dean and um III every time
• 1:08:04
  I put on Olivia Dean song. It's kind of funny.
• 1:08:07
  I start to get teary so I haven't been able to
• 1:08:10
  actually listen to an Olivia Dean song but the
• 1:08:13
  other night I was at my gym lifetime and and
• 1:08:18
  Um, they were playing an Olivia Dean song I just
• 1:08:20
  kind of sat there because you know we had been
• 1:08:22
  to that gym a lot, you know She loved that gym.
• 1:08:25
  She thought I was like the best gym ever and
• 1:08:27
  you know just hearing that song just made so
• 1:08:31
  many memories come back and You know, honestly,
• 1:08:34
  that's kind of what it is now is instead of a
• 1:08:37
  painful sting. It's a happy It's a happy sting,
• 1:08:40
  you know made all those memories together made
• 1:08:42
  everything together and you know, maybe We might
• 1:08:46
  not ever be together again, but it's you know
• 1:08:50
  Everything was happy, you know that when it was
• 1:08:52
  good You know, that was some of the greatest
• 1:08:55
  moments that i've had in life was when When me
• 1:08:59
  and her were extremely happy together, you know
• 1:09:01
  It might have been like for example those late
• 1:09:04
  night runs to get yoga fina or It's called yogurt
• 1:09:07
  park and then like grizzly peak and just watching
• 1:09:10
  the sunset was just like just so much fun. Yeah
• 1:09:13
  absolutely, um the We'll have two questions the
• 1:09:20
  alphabet dating i'm wondering what you would
• 1:09:22
  have done for x But that's you know, you can
• 1:09:24
  tell me that later. But anyways, um I asked you
• 1:09:29
  how you felt because I know in your body physically
• 1:09:32
  because I know that like first love real love
• 1:09:35
  like like young love how about that young love
• 1:09:38
  is almost like an addiction it it actually stimulates
• 1:09:44
  the same reward patterns that drugs do like it
• 1:09:49
  boosts the dopamine and so I think sometimes
• 1:09:53
  that's why it hurts so much. Don't even think
• 1:09:57
  that I know it it's it's actually research. There's
• 1:10:01
  evidence of it that the word heartbreak is a
• 1:10:05
  physical Reaction to breaking up. Yeah, so I'm
• 1:10:11
  glad to hear that It's it's not as Devastating
• 1:10:15
  as it was a month ago, right that it's a little
• 1:10:18
  less. It still stings, right? We get that we
• 1:10:21
  get that so So You know, you and I are close
• 1:10:29
  right? We have a lot of fun together But you've
• 1:10:33
  never spoken to me like this or maybe many people
• 1:10:37
  you've never spoken to like this and What does
• 1:10:42
  it feel like to finally just say all of it out
• 1:10:46
  loud? Um, honestly, it feels a lot better than
• 1:10:50
  it was before and for anyone listening like You
• 1:10:54
  know, you might not have a lot of people that
• 1:10:55
  you feel comfortable opening up with and you
• 1:10:58
  know I didn't either even though how many like
• 1:11:00
  so many people told me, you know Open up to me
• 1:11:03
  whenever it's like you might not feel comfortable
• 1:11:05
  doing that and you might not feel comfortable
• 1:11:07
  doing anything But I'm telling you like when
• 1:11:10
  I first Reached out to Annie and just started
• 1:11:13
  talking about everything and I didn't feel exactly
• 1:11:16
  comfortable opening up like that because I'd
• 1:11:19
  never done that before but You know after the
• 1:11:21
  first time, you know, you just it becomes more
• 1:11:24
  comfortable. It comes, you know easier and then
• 1:11:27
  now I catch myself opening up to like everyone
• 1:11:29
  so I do kind of have to dial it back a little
• 1:11:33
  bit, but it's like You know everyone if you have
• 1:11:37
  a good friend group where you have people that
• 1:11:39
  care and support about you They will listen and
• 1:11:43
  I didn't I used to not think that either But
• 1:11:46
  you know, they will be there for you. They will
• 1:11:48
  listen to you They will hear out your problems,
• 1:11:50
  even if they don't have an answer, you know,
• 1:11:52
  sometimes just just talking will be great because
• 1:11:56
  When we'd first broken up, you know, I think
• 1:11:58
  I told Annie 25 times. How do I kid her back?
• 1:12:02
  What do I do? What do I say? And you know Annie
• 1:12:04
  didn't have a set answer because no one has a
• 1:12:06
  set answer but it's like Just being able to speak
• 1:12:09
  about that made it so much easier because it's
• 1:12:11
  like, you know, Annie would be like I don't know
• 1:12:13
  but you know Try breathing try doing this and
• 1:12:17
  it helped a lot and it's like no one is ever
• 1:12:20
  going to be My ex so they're not gonna know what
• 1:12:22
  she wants what she's gonna say and nothing like
• 1:12:25
  that, but it's it's a lot easier To go through
• 1:12:29
  life with someone else by your side that you
• 1:12:32
  know, you could talk to Then you know having
• 1:12:35
  everything inside of my inside of your head Yeah,
• 1:12:39
  where you can just like you talked about like
• 1:12:41
  ruminating over and over again, you know, it's
• 1:12:43
  that's the worst unhealthy and so Debilitating
• 1:12:48
  I think you know super super debilitating. So
• 1:12:52
  All right, so If you could go back Not to change
• 1:12:59
  things change things but just to be more honest
• 1:13:02
  and vulnerable What do you wish people had actually
• 1:13:07
  seen? About you like that you would kept hidden.
• 1:13:11
  I think the biggest thing that I kept hidden
• 1:13:14
  that I wish I didn't was like my love for certain
• 1:13:18
  things or like the ability I had to have fun
• 1:13:23
  because um, I feel like with the nonchalantness
• 1:13:26
  that I kind of kept it hidden like about my truth
• 1:13:30
  the nonchalantness that made me keep myself hidden
• 1:13:33
  was a lot of like fun like for example the assembly
• 1:13:37
  or You know just her asking to do a lot of things
• 1:13:42
  and me saying no because uh I don't know. I don't
• 1:13:47
  know. I just thought they were like kind of Weird
• 1:13:49
  to do, you know, like I wish we went on a lot
• 1:13:52
  more of the fun dates That that's the thing that
• 1:13:55
  I would go back and change drastically is Saying
• 1:14:00
  yes more, you know, that's that's the biggest
• 1:14:04
  thing think is it's the biggest life lesson I've
• 1:14:07
  learned is to say yes more because You know saying
• 1:14:10
  yes at the assembly made me have a blast saying
• 1:14:13
  yes to The hangouts my friends when I would normally
• 1:14:16
  just sit at home and play on my my video games
• 1:14:19
  because I was like my downtime You know, but
• 1:14:21
  saying yes actually allowed me to have more fun
• 1:14:25
  and have Deeper connections like there was one
• 1:14:29
  of my boys. That's like I didn't used to be as
• 1:14:31
  close with but now i'm a lot closer with happened
• 1:14:34
  because You know, I just started saying yes more
• 1:14:37
  and then I started seeing him more and I started
• 1:14:39
  like hanging out more and Now we're now i'm not
• 1:14:42
  gonna say we're super tight But you know, we
• 1:14:44
  talk a lot like we're we're good friends and
• 1:14:47
  you know, like he's my boy He also just lost
• 1:14:50
  his girlfriend. So we've been speaking through
• 1:14:53
  that but you know, like we're we're tight Yeah,
• 1:14:56
  like that's kind of how it started and then you
• 1:14:59
  know, we just kind of realized that We do have
• 1:15:01
  a lot more in common than you know, we thought
• 1:15:04
  right right It's nice to make a new friend, you
• 1:15:07
  know, especially one that you bond with over.
• 1:15:10
  Yeah, and you know, we had always been Friendly
• 1:15:14
  and you know joked around but you know now I
• 1:15:16
  truly think of him like as a as a good friend
• 1:15:19
  You know, I just thought of him as like, you
• 1:15:21
  know, that's my friend, you know, like I'm boys
• 1:15:23
  with him But like now I'm like, you know, that's
• 1:15:25
  like actually my boy like yeah I think as we
• 1:15:30
  come to a close on this. I think the one thing
• 1:15:34
  that I want to say is that your realization of
• 1:15:40
  that persona that you were putting on, that mask
• 1:15:45
  that you were putting on, I think you're figuring
• 1:15:48
  out why you've done it. I don't think you totally
• 1:15:50
  know. And to be truthful with you, I don't know
• 1:15:54
  if you'll know right now everything. I think
• 1:15:59
  if you keep on the path of the reflection that
• 1:16:02
  you're doing, the work that you're doing with
• 1:16:04
  the FF, and just speaking and not being afraid
• 1:16:09
  to be vulnerable, not being afraid to not be
• 1:16:12
  cool, man, I don't know. I think that some of
• 1:16:17
  your realizations are going to really help you
• 1:16:21
  move forward through life. I'm always here for
• 1:16:25
  you. I Mean that you know, I mean that I hope
• 1:16:28
  you know, I mean, yeah, I hope you do. Yeah,
• 1:16:31
  but is there anything else that you would like
• 1:16:36
  To say about what you've learned or how you feel
• 1:16:41
  about anything I don't know. I feel like I've
• 1:16:45
  said a lot of my key points that I've been thinking
• 1:16:47
  about but it's like it really is the But there's
• 1:16:53
  this quote. It's like it's better to Leave a
• 1:16:58
  flower and watch it bloom than it is to pick
• 1:17:01
  the flower and watch it die and it's like it's
• 1:17:05
  a lot easier to You know stop trying to self
• 1:17:10
  -care and because you think you you've done it
• 1:17:13
  all you think you know, you're that flower that's
• 1:17:15
  super pretty but if you let yourself, you know
• 1:17:19
  stay and Stay in the dirt and continue to work
• 1:17:22
  on yourself It's only going to better you because
• 1:17:26
  it's you know, there's i've never heard of anyone
• 1:17:29
  that said self -improvement Didn't help them.
• 1:17:32
  I've never no one's ever said, you know, I wish
• 1:17:35
  I hadn't self -improved I wish I hadn't spent
• 1:17:38
  more time on myself, you know, I feel like a
• 1:17:40
  lot of people Look back and they say man. I wish
• 1:17:43
  I spent more time with with my own thoughts.
• 1:17:47
  I wish I Spend my time, you know bettering myself
• 1:17:52
  instead of throwing myself into other actions
• 1:17:54
  because it's like All anybody wants to do is
• 1:18:00
  be that perfect person and the only way and no
• 1:18:03
  one's ever gonna be perfect but the only way
• 1:18:04
  that you're going to be a person that you truly
• 1:18:07
  like is to Work on yourself enough to where you
• 1:18:11
  don't have many insecurities and that's a big
• 1:18:14
  thing as well as like insecurities Stop me from
• 1:18:17
  doing a lot of things. You know, I was insecure
• 1:18:19
  about how people thought about me I was insecure
• 1:18:20
  about how I looked how I I always because Growing
• 1:18:24
  up and I was an athlete in lower school and then
• 1:18:28
  covid hit And I put on like 30 40 pounds straight
• 1:18:33
  in my stomach It was not that much Well, I gained
• 1:18:37
  a lot of weight and I became very skinny fat
• 1:18:39
  and very insecure about how I looked and So getting
• 1:18:44
  that back Kind of helped me a lot, but I realized
• 1:18:49
  you know, it didn't help me in the best way because
• 1:18:52
  it made me You know, I never have a huge ego
• 1:18:57
  because I still don't think I actually have a
• 1:18:59
  very small ego when it comes to that because
• 1:19:01
  I still don't think I'm anywhere where I Should
• 1:19:03
  have an ego, you know, but it's it's a lot it's
• 1:19:08
  a lot healthier because I just feel healthier
• 1:19:10
  at all times like a Biggest biggest thing as
• 1:19:14
  well. Just speaking on that is like cutting soda
• 1:19:16
  out with no soda It's been a game changer. I
• 1:19:19
  just feel like I'm A lot happier all the time.
• 1:19:22
  That might just be a placebo, but you know. Oh
• 1:19:24
  no, no, it's sugar. It's addicting. Yeah, yeah,
• 1:19:28
  absolutely. That's the next podcast. We'll talk
• 1:19:30
  about your diet, okay? Well, when you said that
• 1:19:34
  you're the flower in the dirt that keeps staying
• 1:19:37
  there through the rain, through everything and
• 1:19:40
  not getting pulled out, I just thought of a little
• 1:19:42
  sunflower or a large sunflower, because you're
• 1:19:45
  very tall, and just blooming. Over and over.
• 1:19:50
  Yeah, there's there's never been a harvest without
• 1:19:52
  a rain. So exactly. I like it. Well, you're wise.
• 1:19:57
  Seventeen year old young man. Thank you. I really
• 1:19:59
  appreciate you being on this and I love you so
• 1:20:02
  much. And I'm giving him hugs now. And it was
• 1:20:06
  it was a blast being on this and being able to,
• 1:20:08
  you know, speak to this and I'd be so happy to
• 1:20:11
  come back any time. I don't know what what other
• 1:20:12
  podcasts I could do. But, you know, I love speaking
• 1:20:15
  about my feelings now. And it's honestly been
• 1:20:17
  a it's been a great time, you know. Thank you
• 1:20:20
  so much. I want to sit with you for a moment
• 1:20:25
  before we close. I think what we just heard was
• 1:20:31
  a 17 -year -old boy doing something that took
• 1:20:33
  me decades to approach. He told the truth. He
• 1:20:39
  let himself be seen. Not perfectly, not without
• 1:20:44
  hesitation, but he did it. fascinated by that
• 1:20:50
  at just his, I think, confidence, you know, maybe
• 1:20:55
  he doesn't think he has it. But I think that
• 1:20:58
  took a lot to be that honest. I keep thinking
• 1:21:04
  about what finally cracked him open. It wasn't
• 1:21:07
  the devastating loss of his mother, although
• 1:21:09
  I do know that that's underneath everything.
• 1:21:12
  It wasn't even the fracture of his family, which
• 1:21:15
  I know completely changed everything for him,
• 1:21:20
  but I don't know, it was the girl who loved him
• 1:21:26
  enough to tell him the truth about what she needed
• 1:21:29
  from him and wasn't getting. And I think losing
• 1:21:33
  her finally made him stop performing. And I hope
• 1:21:38
  it sticks. I think we don't realize what the
• 1:21:43
  performance cost us until you know, something
• 1:21:47
  we love is gone. Before we recorded, I told my
• 1:21:52
  nephew, don't be like me. Don't spend years building
• 1:21:56
  a persona. Because you think people won't love
• 1:22:01
  who you really are. I'm not sure I have fully
• 1:22:05
  learned that lesson myself, but Every time I
• 1:22:09
  have let someone see the unpolished, you know,
• 1:22:13
  the not always fine version of me, nothing terrible
• 1:22:16
  has happened. Nobody left. And for a moment,
• 1:22:22
  I felt lighter. That's what exists on the other
• 1:22:27
  side of fine. Not weakness, not burden, just
• 1:22:33
  the quiet relief of being known. Your original
• 1:22:37
  self the version of you That version of you that
• 1:22:41
  existed before you learned it was safer to perform
• 1:22:45
  than to actually be seen It's still there It's
• 1:22:49
  just waiting for you to decide if it's worth
• 1:22:51
  the risk worth the risk of letting someone in
• 1:22:56
  I'm starting to believe it is and I believe that
• 1:23:02
  you're worth the risk So I'll leave you with
• 1:23:05
  a reflection question and that is who in your
• 1:23:09
  life would make time for your truth But you still
• 1:23:14
  keep giving them fine instead What would it cost
• 1:23:19
  you to tell them one real thing this week just
• 1:23:23
  one honest feeling Think about that think about
• 1:23:27
  who that would be Thank you for listening to
• 1:23:31
  the original self podcast if today's conversation
• 1:23:35
  Resonated with you and you feel ready to explore
• 1:23:38
  your own growth You can learn more about working
• 1:23:41
  with me at decotalifecoaching.com I'll see
• 1:23:46
  you next time