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Your Teen Sees the Real You—So Why Hide Behind Fake Parenting? · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All right guys.
• 0:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Two weeks in a row, me and Cortni, our schedules have aligned.
• 0:41
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's awesome.
• 0:42
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But we might even hit three weeks in a row next week.
• 0:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We'll have to see.
• 0:47
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I think we can do it.
• 0:48
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, I I think so too.
• 0:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All right.
• 0:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Well, I am excited for today's podcast.
• 0:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: This is based on a recent coaching call that I had where.
• 1:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I actually see this all the time, but then just the coaching call earlier today and I was like, you know what?
• 1:07
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We are talking about this now.
• 1:11
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: This is one of the most basic, fundamental things that I teach.
• 1:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So if you're listening and you're like.
• 1:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Ben, you always talk about that.
• 1:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, because that's the most important thing, guys, we gotta get this down before we can move on to the next one.
• 1:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So today, what I would like to talk about is one part identity and one part clearly defining what you want out of life.
• 1:41
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And the reason we're gonna talk about this.
• 1:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: First and foremost, I feel like most people haven't taken the time to define who it is that they want to be.
• 1:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's that identity component.
• 1:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Component.
• 1:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And so a lot of people go through life feeling lost, not because they don't know where they are, but because they don't know who they are.
• 2:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And then the second component that we're gonna talk about, that's the.
• 2:09
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Clearly defining what you want out of life.
• 2:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And the reason I feel like this is so important is because I feel like, especially in today's culture, and most people listening to this podcast are here in the us.
• 2:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We like to complain, we like to blame, and we all know what we don't like or what we don't want.
• 2:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But we haven't taken the time to clearly define, well, this is what I want.
• 2:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So, Cortni, before we dive in, anything that you wanna add about any of that?
• 2:51
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Uh, no.
• 2:51
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I think this ties into what we were talking about last week.
• 2:55
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Can you refresh my memory?
• 2:56
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I know we were talking about identity and how it was important to what we were talking about last week,
• 3:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So last week we were talking about.
• 3:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Narrowing down what you need to fix to just one or two things, which by the way, quick update in case anybody cares.
• 3:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: My little freshman team, we were a freshman and sophomore combined, but we won 21 to nothing.
• 3:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And if you guys remember, we talked about this last week, we like watching the film.
• 3:31
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: There's like.
• 3:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So many things that we could fix, like tackling, running the right play.
• 3:37
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We still haven't gotten to the point, like if all 11 players on my team at some point run the same play, it's gonna be amazing.
• 3:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We haven't gotten there yet.
• 3:46
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We're still got three or four guys falling behind.
• 3:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But seriously, like it was a hard sell in the beginning.
• 3:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Some of the kids, especially having the sophomores come down and practice with us.
• 4:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: They're like, why are we yelling?
• 4:01
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Discipline and effort every time we break the huddle?
• 4:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's stupid.
• 4:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But man, midway through yesterday's game, like they were all believers because going into halftime we were up 14 to nothing.
• 4:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And I asked the kids like, guys, how's the discipline?
• 4:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And they're like, it's better.
• 4:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It's not all the way there, but yeah, it's better.
• 4:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And I was like, how's the effort?
• 4:24
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And we had three.
• 4:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Goal line stands where like there was one goal line stand.
• 4:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: They were on the three yard line.
• 4:37
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It was first and goal from the three yard line, and we somehow stopped them and that comes down to effort and the other team fumbled the ball several times like.
• 4:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: One of the things I preach, the better we get at our own discipline and our own effort, the better we'll be able to take advantage when the other team isn't playing disciplined and they're not giving good effort.
• 5:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So anyways.
• 5:08
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What Cortni and I are teaching you guys, not only does it work for moms of teenagers, but it also works for teenage boys out there trying to play football.
• 5:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But so, uh, I can see the similarities, like this is probably a little bit more basic, like just really getting clear on who do you want to be.
• 5:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What do you want your reality to look like rather than focusing so much on what you don't want your reality to look like, which I feel like most people, that's what they struggle with.
• 5:49
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: They're unhappy with the government, they're unhappy with their sports team, they're unhappy with their teenager, they're unhappy with their job, and we just focus on what we don't want rather than what we do want.
• 6:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So.
• 6:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Cortni, you should have seen those little football players, by the way, by the time they fully bought like that second half was awesome and we weren't even that good.
• 6:15
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like I'm hoping next week we take an even bigger jump, but we won't have all the sophomores with us, so we'll, we'll see what happens.
• 6:23
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: They'll feel better, they'll feel more confident when they go out there after this win.
• 6:26
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So hopefully that helps.
• 6:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: True.
• 6:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 6:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Okay.
• 6:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So Cortni, let's talk about identity real quick.
• 6:34
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I think you've been with me long enough.
• 6:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You could probably teach this on your own.
• 6:38
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So I'm just gonna throw you under the bus right now.
• 6:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, what does it even mean to define your own identity?
• 6:46
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Um, know who you are, what you want, what's important to you without all of these external influences,
• 6:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: that was perfect.
• 6:56
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Why is it important to have an identity when it comes to parenting?
• 7:02
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So you can be authentic to who you are and a I don't help.
• 7:13
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: No, you're doing great.
• 7:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Uh, being authentic to who you are.
• 7:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't know how much time you get to spend with teenagers, like more than just your own teenager, but one of the things teenagers complain about all the time is people being fake.
• 7:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Have you ever heard teens complain about fake people?
• 7:31
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: yes,
• 7:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 7:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yet, often as parents, we show up as a fake version of ourselves.
• 7:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Have you ever done that?
• 7:42
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I'm sure I have absolutely.
• 7:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 7:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I, I have like, this isn't like something that you're just gonna figure out one time and like flip a switch and you'll never be fake again.
• 7:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But the power is when you define, no, this is who I want to be as a parent.
• 8:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It helps you lean into that.
• 8:03
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So that you can authentically be you, which if you think about it, if you are showing up as a fake parent, your teen is going to have a hard time connecting with the real you because you're not showing up as the real you.
• 8:18
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: That's what I meant to say.
• 8:19
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yeah.
• 8:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: No, that's exactly what you said.
• 8:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I just, I am more verbose.
• 8:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I think that's the word for someone who likes to talk a lot.
• 8:28
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Or both.
• 8:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, you are a woman of few words, but what you say is more impactful than what I have to say in many words.
• 8:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Um, so when it comes down to defining your parenting identity, we've talked about this so many times, like you can go find a podcast.
• 8:48
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I could look up and see what number it is, but I like to invite people to come up with a 10 word vision statement.
• 8:57
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It helps you know who you want to be.
• 8:59
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: 10 words is easy, easy enough to memorize, and you can write it on a three by five card and tape it up all over your house.
• 9:07
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you do this, your identity acts as like a GPS, like for GPS to function, you need to know, one of you need to know just two components.
• 9:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Where am I and where do I wanna be?
• 9:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: If you know those two things, GPS can work.
• 9:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: If you try and operate with only one of those GPS will be like, I can't help you.
• 9:31
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like there's a, uh, phrase in Alice in Wonderland, sorry.
• 9:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Sometimes like, can't think
• 9:41
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: You are fine.
• 9:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: the, the phrase in Alice in Wonderland, there's this point where Alice is like, Hey.
• 9:49
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Which way should I go?
• 9:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: She's at this fork in a road like, should I go left?
• 9:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Should I go right?
• 9:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And the Cheshire cat shows up and he is like, well that depends on where you wanna show up or where you want to end up.
• 10:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And she's like, yeah, it doesn't really matter where I end up.
• 10:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And he is like, then it doesn't really matter which direction you take.
• 10:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's like, if you don't know the end destination makes it really hard to know what you should do in the moment.
• 10:13
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Here's the other thing, like imagine get like.
• 10:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't know, being somewhere outta service and you can tell your phone where you want to go, but your phone is like, I have no idea where you are.
• 10:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, I can't tell you where to go next because I don't know where you're starting.
• 10:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So one of the most basic things that I teach, really get clear on who you want to be as a parent.
• 10:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It will make your job easier.
• 10:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It will help you in tough parenting moments.
• 10:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Because like for me.
• 10:48
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I have my 10 word vision statement.
• 10:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It hasn't changed in the past few years, but parenting with love, confidence and curiosity is easy and fun in tough parenting moments.
• 10:59
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It helps me to remember, Ben, just be confident.
• 11:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You're a good dad.
• 11:03
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Trust it.
• 11:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Be curious.
• 11:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Really explore like what is your teen's perspective?
• 11:10
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you can get that down, by the way, like it'll blow your mind the way your teen looks at a situation.
• 11:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Sometimes so far from the way you do, it's helpful to get curious.
• 11:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Anyways, I want to invite you really get clear on your identity.
• 11:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Cortni, do you have your vision statement close by?
• 11:30
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I do.
• 11:31
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yeah.
• 11:31
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 11:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What is that?
• 11:33
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Loves unconditionally, listens without judgment, encourages and supports his values, or I should say their values.
• 11:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, I love it.
• 11:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's perfect.
• 11:46
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And notice how different both of ours are, and yet yours serves you and mine serves me.
• 11:54
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 11:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: let's talk about identifying what you want instead of identifying what you don't want.
• 12:04
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yeah,
• 12:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: you ever gotten stuck in the trap of identifying all the things that you don't want in your relationship with your teen?
• 12:12
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Absolutely.
• 12:13
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And I feel like when I'm focusing on what I don't want, that's all I see.
• 12:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 12:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 12:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What are some of the things that you don't want?
• 12:25
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I mean, I don't want him on his device all the time.
• 12:27
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I don't want him to be helpful around the house.
• 12:31
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I don't want him to be unkind to his siblings.
• 12:34
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Um, I mean, there's a laundry list of things.
• 12:37
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I mean, he, not a bad kid, so I don't wanna complain, but he.
• 12:42
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: No, he is terrible.
• 12:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I've met it.
• 12:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Just joking.
• 12:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: He's awesome.
• 12:47
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Here's my list and the funny thing is, I just literally said this one the other day, I don't wanna have to ask you to unload and load the dishwasher.
• 12:59
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I, we are so good at focusing on what we don't want.
• 13:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: The problem is that doesn't give you any clarity as to what you do want, and there's a book.
• 13:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Have you ever read The Alchemist?
• 13:17
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Oh my gosh, a long, long time.
• 13:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That book is so good.
• 13:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I've read it like four times this year.
• 13:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Um, there's a quote, uh, I'll look it up here in a minute, but basically like when you decide what you want, the universe cons, conspires in your favor, something to that effect.
• 13:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Now the universe, in my opinion, doesn't understand like.
• 13:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: The difference between, I do want and I don't want, it just understands, like in the positive form.
• 13:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So if I'm saying, Hey, I don't want to tell you to unload the dishwasher all the time, the universe doesn't understand, oh, Ben doesn't want this.
• 14:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: He's like, oh, Ben must want to tell us son to unload, unload the dishwasher every time.
• 14:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It's what our focus is, and you get what you focus on.
• 14:11
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 14:12
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And right now in our country, I feel like we are falling into this trap so bad.
• 14:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We're also focused on what we don't want, that we're not clearly defining and focusing on what we do want.
• 14:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And so the reason I bring this up as parents, if you are like me or like Cortni, and you've ever fallen into the trap where you're like, I don't want to have to ask you to unload the dishwasher.
• 14:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All the time.
• 14:41
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't want you to be mean to your siblings, like you're focusing on what you don't want.
• 14:46
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want you to start noticing when you do that.
• 14:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: This is building awareness.
• 14:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We can't change things if we don't have an awareness about the thing that we want to change.
• 14:58
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So now if you develop that awareness and you're like, holy cow.
• 15:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I am focusing on all the things that I don't want.
• 15:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Now you can start catching yourself in the moment.
• 15:08
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, oh, right now I'm focusing on not wanting this thing.
• 15:12
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Where can I move my attention to What is something that I do want?
• 15:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And the cool thing is, I guarantee you there is something that your teenager is doing that is exactly what you want.
• 15:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Your teen is doing that, but you're not focused on that because you're too busy focusing on all the things that you don't.
• 15:36
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 15:37
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: It does.
• 15:38
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I love, I, I love this podcast because it's like a personal coaching call to me every week.
• 15:44
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I love all these reminders.
• 15:46
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I did wanna say really quick when you talk about, like, I don't wanna have to tell you to unload and load the dishwasher, um, um, sometimes.
• 15:56
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: If we can approach it like being out of the box and just be like, Hey, can you unload the dishwasher without emotion, without being angry?
• 16:03
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I've explained this to my husband and I have to have self talks as well.
• 16:06
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Like, are my kids intentionally defying me?
• 16:09
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Are they intentionally forgetting to unload the dishwasher because I know how forgetful I am with so many things that I mean to do.
• 16:18
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: As a teenager, I don't think our minds are on the dishwasher,
• 16:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 16:22
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: even as an adult.
• 16:23
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So if we could see it from that perspective, like, well, maybe they're not doing it just to be a punk.
• 16:28
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Maybe they're not doing it to be defiant, but if we can just approach them and be like, Hey, can you know the dishwasher please?
• 16:33
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And then go back to whatever you were doing as a parent.
• 16:36
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Don't make a bigger deal out of it and just keep it moving.
• 16:39
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: It'll happen.
• 16:40
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I
• 16:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 16:41
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: what I am trying to, I am trying to work on that.
• 16:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, I love that.
• 16:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And so I have a son, we just dropped him off at college and it is really.
• 16:53
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: A shift when someone that you've been used to having in your home for the past almost 19 years is now just not in your home.
• 17:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like when I, like I was getting after my second oldest where I'm like, dude, you're freaking.
• 17:10
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: 16 years old, you know, I want you to unload the dishwasher.
• 17:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't wanna have to ask you every single time.
• 17:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Well, I can shift my mindset and I'm like, man, I have one son that asking him to unload the dishwasher isn't even an option.
• 17:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And I miss that.
• 17:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And so now I can look at, you know what I do kind of want to ask you, like at least you're here, at least I can converse with you.
• 17:38
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: One of the secret hacks, like it's one thing to just talk about, like really clearly define what you do want and focus on that instead of focusing so much on what you don't want.
• 17:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Um, there was a song back in the day by Cheryl Crow.
• 17:56
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm probably gonna butcher this, but there's like part of the song where it's like, uh, you gotta like want what you have or something.
• 18:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I can't remember.
• 18:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: One of my clients.
• 18:07
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Was actually friends with Sheryl Crow, like back in the day, I'll find it.
• 18:13
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: There's two things I gotta find, but basically the thing is like people don't want what they have.
• 18:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like as soon as they have something, now they're onto the next thing.
• 18:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, oh, I want a bigger, better car.
• 18:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want a nicer car.
• 18:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want more money.
• 18:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: One of the things that I would invite you to do.
• 18:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you focus on the things that you don't want, you are ignoring the things that are in your reality that you do actually want.
• 18:44
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And a lot of people will naturally be like, oh, well, what's the thing that I want that I don't have?
• 18:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Oh, I want a new bike.
• 18:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want a new car.
• 18:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want more money.
• 18:53
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want a new job.
• 18:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: The secret hack is that if you can identify something that you already have.
• 19:01
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Practice wanting that.
• 19:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That will be powerful if you can be like, man, I drive my teenager to school every day and we have at least five minutes of pretty decent conversation.
• 19:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm grateful I have that.
• 19:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want that.
• 19:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Now you can focus on.
• 19:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Every time you think, you know what, I wish I didn't have to ask him to unload the dishwasher.
• 19:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I wish he'd just do it on his own.
• 19:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You can be like, oh wait, you know what?
• 19:31
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What do I want?
• 19:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want a good five minute quiet time where me and my teenager can talk.
• 19:37
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And thankfully I have that Monday through Friday, and it's shifting your attention from what you don't want to, what you do want.
• 19:47
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you get good at this, there's kind of this process.
• 19:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you get good and you're like, okay, here's the thing that I don't want.
• 19:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm not gonna focus on that anymore.
• 19:57
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm gonna focus on this thing that I have that I actually want.
• 20:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You can then graduate to the next step where it's like, oh, hey, this is something that I don't yet have, but I also want that.
• 20:09
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And then rather than focusing on something that you don't want.
• 20:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You can shift your attention to that thing that you do want and start doing the work that it takes to create that as your reality.
• 20:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: This has gotten a little deep today, Cortni.
• 20:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Does any of this even make sense?
• 20:25
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: It does.
• 20:26
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: No, it's great
• 20:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So I'm curious, what is something that you have with your teenager that you want?
• 20:36
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: that I have
• 20:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 20:40
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: something that I currently have.
• 20:41
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Um hmm.
• 20:47
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I mean, I feel like he's pretty respectful.
• 20:49
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Um, and I was talking to my little kids about this earlier this week'cause they didn't wanna do X, Y, and Z.
• 20:55
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And I'm like, you know what?
• 20:56
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Your brother doesn't wanna do a lot of what I ask, but at the end of the day, he does it like he's respectful.
• 21:02
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: He might him and haw and like give me pushback, but he does it like
• 21:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 21:07
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: like that he is respectful and he is willing to help even if he does fuss every once in a while.
• 21:12
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I do appreciate help.
• 21:15
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Respect.
• 21:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, really good.
• 21:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So the next time you think, I don't want him picking on his little siblings, like seriously, you can shift your attention and think, you know what though?
• 21:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I do want him to be respectful
• 21:33
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 21:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: and he is respectful.
• 21:36
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 21:37
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: it changes your emotional state.
• 21:39
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you focus on what you don't want, you're disappointed, you're grumpy, you're unhappy.
• 21:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you focus on what you want and what you have, it gets you into a place of gratitude.
• 21:49
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's a much more powerful emotion to work from.
• 21:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Now, let's take it to the next step.
• 21:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What's something that you want that you don't yet have with your teenager?
• 22:01
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I would love to have more communication, like all the details.
• 22:04
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I wanna know more about his relationship, like I wanna know more about what he does with his friends, or, I dunno, just one of those mom things.
• 22:12
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Maybe it's a girl thing.
• 22:13
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I have questions and I want answers.
• 22:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, I feel like I'm that way too, especially now that my son is gone.
• 22:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm like.
• 22:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Dude, what about your first day of school and have you made any friends like, what about this?
• 22:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What about this?
• 22:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And he is like,
• 22:28
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yeah.
• 22:28
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: good.
• 22:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm like, seriously?
• 22:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But no, that's powerful.
• 22:36
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You can't control whether or not he opens up to you more, whether or not he talks to you more.
• 22:42
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: The powerful thing is when you have the choice of where you're going to put your attention, you can focus on.
• 22:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What you don't want, or you can focus on what you do want and you can just put that out into the universe and let the universe know, Hey, I'd like more of these conversations.
• 23:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I wouldn't always focus on the conversations that you want, that you don't have, because then that is very closely related to.
• 23:15
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Focusing on what you don't want,
• 23:17
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 23:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: but I would just randomly put it out there.
• 23:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And here's the thing there.
• 23:24
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Someday we should just do a full podcast on awareness and intention.
• 23:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Maybe that'll be next week.
• 23:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That could be a good one for next week.
• 23:32
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you put something into your awareness, it gives you the power to then be intentional also, when you vocalize, Hey, this is what I want.
• 23:45
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: The universe, God, like however you wanna look at it, it is like, oh, Cortni wants this.
• 23:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Okay, awesome.
• 23:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When you put it out there, without an attachment to it, it's more likely to happen.
• 23:58
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What I see that happens in my life, if I voice, hey, I want something, it's my job to pay attention to whether or not I ever get that thing, and when I do get it to be grateful for having it.
• 24:13
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Mm-hmm.
• 24:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, it's kind of like, well, hey, I have a respectful teenager.
• 24:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I'm super grateful for that.
• 24:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You are like, dang.
• 24:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I wanted more deep conversations with my teen.
• 24:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I can tell you from my experience, unfortunately, those conversations are more common when all hell breaks loose in your teen's life.
• 24:36
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like when their girlfriend dumps'em and their friends threw a party and didn't invite them and.
• 24:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All the, like your teen is on the bottom of the wheel.
• 24:47
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That's a time where they might open up and tell you more.
• 24:50
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And if you can have the awareness to be like, oh, hey, this is one of those things that I wanted and I'm getting it right now, and I'm so grateful for it.
• 25:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: This is the power that you have.
• 25:03
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And most people are squandering that power by focusing on exactly what they don't want, rather than being clear about what they do want.
• 25:13
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I feel like sometimes as parents we get into the habit of on our children or shaming our children or getting upset with them for not doing the things that we want.
• 25:23
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So like I remember being, to my son and being like, listen, I need to teach you how to communicate.
• 25:29
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Like you need to know how this is a life skill.
• 25:30
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Like you need to communicate with me.
• 25:32
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Like we need to talk about this.
• 25:33
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And I would make him feel bad, I'm sure.
• 25:36
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And so of course he's not gonna communicate.
• 25:38
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: He just shuts down.
• 25:40
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Um.
• 25:41
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: The last year probably.
• 25:43
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: If I don't ask questions, that's when he opens up to me.
• 25:48
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: and I don't make him feel bad.
• 25:49
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And then I am mindful when he does share information to not probe too much,
• 25:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 25:55
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: to share information.
• 25:56
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So it might not be everything that I want, but I'm absolutely grateful for the things that he does share.
• 26:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 26:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And there we could take this even a step deeper If you get good, like I feel like it's important to tell your kids what you want.
• 26:15
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, Hey, I.
• 26:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Want you to develop the skill of unloading the dishwasher without me having to remind you.
• 26:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It's a powerful skill.
• 26:24
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Awesome.
• 26:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I also believe that it's important for your teenager to be able to tell you, alright, this is what I want.
• 26:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I want when we get in the car to not automatically play 20 questions like I just want to.
• 26:42
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Talk and just like when we can express our desires, that is part of the foundational basis for a nice, healthy relationship.
• 26:55
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And this is one of those things where we get, like there's the spiritual plane where we focus on what we don't want, and then that's what the universe gives us.
• 27:05
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: But there's also the physical plane where we talk about.
• 27:08
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What we don't want, and that's what our kids get a lot of.
• 27:12
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And if we can start talking about what we do want, one of the things that I like to negotiate with my teens, like I know I have a want list.
• 27:20
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I know you have a want list.
• 27:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: What's something that you want that I could cross off your want list in exchange for you unloading the dishwasher without being asked.
• 27:31
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Now we're in this partnership.
• 27:35
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Anyways, I just wanted to share this to you because on my earlier coaching call, like it was clear that this mother had no idea what she wanted, but she had very, very clearly defined what she did not want, and then she was still getting more of that.
• 27:56
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: When she could, number one, be who she wants to be.
• 28:00
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like, clearly know this is who I want to be.
• 28:02
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And then number two, focus on, well, this is what I want, so this is what I'm going to work towards instead of trying to work away from or avoid what I don't want.
• 28:14
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Well, if
• 28:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So
• 28:14
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: know what you want, how are you gonna be happy when you
• 28:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: when you get
• 28:19
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: that you don't know, like.
• 28:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:23
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like people imagine.
• 28:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: If you know exactly what you don't want, there will always be something else that you don't want.
• 28:34
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It's like, I want to, I don't want to be here in Utah when it's freezing cold.
• 28:40
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Well, I could go to Nevada when it's freezing cold too, or I could go to Idaho and it's all like, if I can define like, you know what?
• 28:47
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't wanna be in Utah in January, I'm gonna go to.
• 28:53
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Jamaica, which I actually am going to Jamaica.
• 28:56
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: It's gonna be awesome.
• 28:58
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like I can clearly define, but if I just get lucky and I'm like, oh, I don't want to be in Utah when it's freezing cold, then I go to Jamaica and I'm sitting on the beach.
• 29:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I don't want sand in my swimsuit.
• 29:09
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like there will always be something that you don't want.
• 29:12
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: All right.
• 29:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I was channeling my daughter, she does not like sand getting in her swimsuit and I'm like, oh, we're at the beach.
• 29:22
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like there's just water and sand and sun.
• 29:25
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: blame her.
• 29:27
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I did wanna say, you keep talking about like you don't wanna have to remind your kid.
• 29:32
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: years ago I had, or I have this amazing life coach and he told me.
• 29:37
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: You know, it's like planting a seed.
• 29:39
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: You know, we want our kids to learn all these lessons when we want them to learn them, you plant the seed and if it's not sprouting as fast as you want it to, if your kids aren't picking up the lessons as fast as you would like them to, are you gonna like dig it up and pry it open and you know, want it to sprout.
• 29:55
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Like eventually your kids will learn these lessons.
• 29:58
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Just keep watering it.
• 29:59
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Keep reminding them to unload the dishwasher and eventually it'll pick up.
• 30:04
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: They'll catch on.
• 30:05
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Right.
• 30:06
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 30:07
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Who was that life coach?
• 30:09
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Man, he.
• 30:09
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: know he was amazing.
• 30:11
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: My life changed actually when I, when I met him,
• 30:15
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: He sounds wise and Mui.
• 30:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Mui.
• 30:17
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Guapo.
• 30:21
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: uh, Deb.
• 30:22
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Cut that.
• 30:25
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 30:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I, I love that.
• 30:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And I think we forget growth takes place at its own pace,
• 30:34
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Hmm.
• 30:34
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And oftentimes we just want what we want and we want it now, or we don't want what we don't want and we want it to change now.
• 30:43
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Be willing to plant those seeds and be willing to give it the time and the attention that it needs to grow and develop.
• 30:52
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So I haven't talked about,
• 30:54
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: upset.
• 30:55
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yeah, without getting upset, because then they're not gonna, they're gonna become more resistant
• 30:59
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: yeah.
• 31:00
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: the more you get on them about something like, yeah.
• 31:03
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 31:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Ooh dang.
• 31:04
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That was, I'm glad you shared that, I hope you guys listen to this at double speed because I sound way more intelligent the faster I speak.
• 31:13
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So, and any podcast I listen to, I listen at double speed even faster if I can find a way to do it.
• 31:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And when I listen to books on Audible.
• 31:24
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like two and a half to triple speed.
• 31:26
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Sometimes
• 31:27
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I might have to try that.
• 31:30
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I.
• 31:30
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: I also, one last thing, um, with identity and knowing who you are, what kind of parent you want to be or whatever.
• 31:39
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: We want our kids to be true to themselves and not change who they are to fit in with their friends or, you know, we want them to be authentically them and we have to lead by example.
• 31:51
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: So if we can't show up being authentically us, our kids will be like, well, you know, if my mom has to change who she is for this, then like, obviously I'm gonna have to do something different.
• 32:03
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: But if we can be unapologetically ourselves, our kids will be like, you know what?
• 32:08
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: It's cool, like I'll show up however I am and they can either love it or leave it
• 32:14
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Yeah.
• 32:15
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: another, yeah,
• 32:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Dang.
• 32:18
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That is so good.
• 32:21
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: You just uplevel the podcast right and left.
• 32:25
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: just all these random things just pop into my head.
• 32:27
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: It might not even be what we're talking about, but
• 32:29
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: No, that that's true and that's definitely something I know we've talked about in the past on the podcast.
• 32:37
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And if I'm not careful, all the people listening, like I do episodes without you, when we can't make our schedule work, people are gonna start to be like, can we just get a Cortni episode?
• 32:47
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Like.
• 32:50
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Oh, I need you.
• 32:53
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Uh, together.
• 32:54
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: I feel like we have good conversations, so, okay.
• 32:58
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Well, if I were to just sum up the takeaways, take the time clearly, define who you want to be as a mom.
• 33:07
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Also take the time to develop some awareness.
• 33:11
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Am I focused on what I don't want, rather than what I do want?
• 33:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And start shifting your attention.
• 33:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And rather than wanting the new shiny object that you don't have in the beginning, shift your attention to wanting something that you do already have and getting into that place of gratitude and abundance.
• 33:33
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: And then once you've developed some awareness and some intentionality around that, you can then move to the next point where you're like, you know what?
• 33:41
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: There is this one thing that I really want that I don't have, and we can briefly focus on that.
• 33:49
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Rather than focusing on what you don't want.
• 33:51
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: So
• 33:53
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: And to quote Sheryl Crow, it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.
• 33:58
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: yes, thank you for, oh, this guys is why I have Cortni on the podcast.
• 34:08
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: That was amazing.
• 34:08
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Thank you for coming in with that one.
• 34:12
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Yes,
• 34:13
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Okay.
• 34:15
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All right guys.
• 34:16
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Thank you for being here.
• 34:19
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: We will see you next week and go out and practice wanting what you have.
• 34:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: All right, guys.
• 34:27
  ben_8_08-29-2025_101158: Bye.
• 34:29
  cort-guest63_1_08-29-2025_111159: Bye