Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 33. Family Rules and Open Communication with Kellie Yurosek - Part 1

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33. Family Rules and Open Communication with Kellie Yurosek - Part 1 · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another week here on A Heart that Beats for Home, so excited to have you joining us.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: We are really coming into the end weeks of our series on parenting that we have been digging into this summer.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: It has been such a rich 12 weeks of guests that have just poured so much in to all of our listeners, sharing so much about their parenting and marriage highs and lows, their tips, their tricks, their struggles and just being willing to be transparent about real life and I am so excited to have a dear friend with us today and we are pretty sure that we have so much we can talk about that this might be a two-parter, so we'll decide that at the end, but you will be so thrilled if it is two-part because Kelly Urosik has so much information to share with us.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: She is a mama of five.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: She will share a little bit about her family and we're here now in August in the high school and college and adult age and Kelly's kids all fall into these coming into high school and junior high, adult career, just becoming young adults and just so much that goes into that.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: And I think often we stop talking about a lot of parenting stuff as our kids get older because it feels a little overwhelming.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: We're treading new territory.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Their lives are involved.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: We maybe feel like we're missing the mark on some of it, but, kelly, I have just watched from afar really we live on opposite sides of the country but have watched her and been able to do life with her for about the last decade and just have loved how she and her husband, derek parent and so I am just so excited.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Kelly, if you would just introduce yourself to our guest, tell us a little bit about your family, about your sweet husband, and we're just going to jump into some great conversation today.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: What an awesome introduction and I just adore you and our friendship over the last probably 15 years.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: Honestly, it's been at least that.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: So, hi everybody.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I'm Kelly Urosik.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I live in California.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: It's been at least that.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: So, hi everybody.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: I'm Kelly Urosik, I live in California.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: I've got, like Nikki said, five kiddos, ranging from 26 years old down to 14.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Sophia's 26.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Calvin is 24.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Ben is 22.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: And then I've got.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: We had a little gap.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: So I have my bigs and my littles, and my littles are Owen, who is almost 16, and Vivian, who is 14.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, we live a busy life.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Derek and I do.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: We've been married for 28 years.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: College sweethearts.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: We met at Colorado State University.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: He was playing football and I was playing volleyball, but we both happened to be from the same hometown, just never knew each other until we went back to Colorado State and got to know each other back there.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: So we built this busy, crazy, wild, super fun life and just enjoy these kids.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: It's been my life's work are these babes and being Derek's wife, so that's kind of us in a nutshell, and that's why I love you so much, because your life is those bigs and littles and your husband and I think that's where we have been able we actually met, working together.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: So we were in kind of that chasing some career stuff and achievement, and I think we bonded over the fact that we were doing that.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: But really everything came back to tell me about your kids.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about that.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I remember us sitting and talking about how do you do allowance, how do you do college stuff?
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: How do you do college stuff?
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: How do you do this?
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: And just have always loved soaking up your wisdom.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I love that bigs and littles, so let's talk about that for a minute.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: So you have kind of these two groups of kiddos and you're parenting them both at the same time.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Take me back first of all a little bit to maybe let's go back 10 years when everybody's at home and it's crazy and it's busy.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: What do you remember from those days that you miss the most?
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Now that life just looks a little bit different.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, wow, well, it's definitely.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was wild at that time because I had we moved to Seattle for a five year stint and it was crazy because Derek was traveling I mean 60% of the time and I was moving the kids up there.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: We knew nobody, I didn't have doctors, I didn't have a hair girl, I didn't have any help at all.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: My family was all in California and that was probably one of the top three most wild times in my life.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: We would be in the car from three o'clock picking up kids at four different schools and in the car till like 1030 at night.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: So I would be packing dinners and snacks and dropping off kids and picking them up and doing it Also.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: I look back now and I'm like how did I, how did I get through that?
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: It's just crazy.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: What do I miss about those times?
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I miss the craziness.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: I don't you know.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: I think that you can probably relate the busy, the personalities flying.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Now we just have two at home.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: We're just a little tiny family of four right now and I miss just the just how busy we were.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: And you always say that like, oh, I'm so busy, like it's a bad thing, but in so many ways it's so beautiful.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: There's just dynamics and friends coming in and lots of laughs.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: I just I do miss that.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I do enjoy the quiet now too.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: I think I'm ready for that.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: I've really been transitioning into this new phase of my life and so I do really value that slower time, but it was fun.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: We had some fun times having them all in my home right, having them all there with me.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's crazy how, like you're saying, in that stage you say, oh my gosh, we're so busy and you say what I wouldn't give for just a day, just to myself.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: And then you fast forward.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: And I think a word of encouragement to young moms, and I know as a young mom I got so annoyed when moms who had older kids would say, oh, just wait, it goes so fast and you'd think it feels like the saying the days are long and the years are short.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: And then you get to this stage.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: I say it all the time Now, the days are short and the years are short, and right, you kind of gasp at how quickly time goes.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And so to all of you mamas that are listening to this, that are maybe in the throes of that stage of you live in the car, you're living at sports, which some of that doesn't change as the kids get older.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: We'll talk more about that.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: But just that, constant shoes all over the floor and the laundry baskets overflowing and the kitchen sink overflowing felt like such a burden.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: And now it's funny how, when I see a laundry basket in the foyer and a bunch of shoes, I get so excited because that tells me kids are home from college.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Everybody's here, like I can't wait to do their laundry.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to have their friends over because it is.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: It's such a now.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: It's just a privilege to have that chaos where before it was a lifestyle, and just how precious that is, so I love that.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: I heard that all the time from moms like slow down, enjoy these years.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: It goes by so fast and I believed them.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I believe them 100%.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I listened to that.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: One of the things I did as a mom is always like talk to moms that were ahead of me and tell me what you're thinking Like, tell me what your advice is.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: And every single one of them said slow down, just slow down and enjoy these times.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: They will.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: They're fleeting, and so I believe them.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: But it just is really hard as a mom to slow down and to do that and to appreciate all those, and I do think that it's really important to find that balance.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: You know, you just said something where you crave those days to just have some alone time or some quiet time.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Make sure you do that so that you can balance yourself and enjoy the craziness at the same time.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: And then, now that we're you and I are like, our balance now is the opposite.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: It's more quiet, and now, when we have those kids home, it's wild and crazy again.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: But, trust me, I'm like, I'm OK when they go back.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Right, you just need that balance.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm making sense, but you need that balance on both sides, and so, as a mom, I would always say, like provide whatever balance that you need and really validate whatever you're feeling, you know, as far as if you are just overwhelmed, like slow, slow your buns down and get away for a minute, you know, definitely listen to that.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and God clearly knew what he was doing.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: When you have the kids when you're a little bit younger Most of us, not everybody, does it that way, and, man, I will give a trophy to any woman that's having children in her forties, because I just can't even imagine but also just how our energy shifts and we'll talk more about that as we get into some more questions, cause I know you and I are both walking through this stage of midlife and I hate to say it, but perimenopause, menopause, all the things that come with that, and just how we're really in a season of change as we're parenting, but also as our own individuals, more than I think I've ever been in my 20s, 30s and early 40s this is just a whole new thing that we'll talk about as well.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Our society is really like oh, you're a perimenopause or you're a menopause Like it's this bad thing, it's one of the most beautiful stages.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: It really is, so I'd love to talk more about that too.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and maybe we'll just make that.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: The second part of this episode is just talking about that stage, because it is what you said it's beautiful if you're taking care of yourself, but I think so many women are not taking care of themselves, so that's a whole nother.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: We'll maybe do the second part talking that stuff.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, so talk to me a little bit, kelly, about you know.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Again, going back to this bigs and littles how have you managed, as a mama right now I mean you have your, your mom hat into totally separate worlds?
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: You have one world where you've got kids that are in their professional worlds they're excelling.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: You've got a college athlete that's ready to go pro, another one in college, and then we've got high school drama and high school stuff and junior high volleyball tryouts.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: How do you manage the emotions and the needs of all of your different kids at all different stages, to meet each one of them where they're at?
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Gosh, that's a great question.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: So I want to preface this whole answer by saying that I didn't always manage it perfectly.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: So if you're a mom out there that feels inadequate or you feel like you're not nailing it every day all the time, well, welcome to the club, sis, because that is, I think, any mom.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: That's being really honest.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: No, I haven't always nailed that perfectly, but when I do, when I do, it is really when I slow down and I listen and I watch and I ask questions and I observe these kiddos.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of times where men can, like get ready for bed and go to sleep and they're just out, we're thinking at night.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: That's how God made us so different.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: I never stopped thinking about my kids.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: All of a sudden, one of them will pop in my head.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: I'm like I wonder how they're doing, like wonder, and then I really start to think about that and make sure that I check in with them and that if one of them needs extra help with something, I'll enlist the help of the others.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Hey, big day for Vivian.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Today she's going to volleyball tryouts.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Make sure you wish her well.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: But that's my life's work, right, and that is something that is my job and, just like Derek, is out juggling four or five different companies and management teams and traveling all over, he juggles all of his balls.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: That's my job to juggle all of the balls with the kids.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: So how do I manage that?
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: It's just really making it my life's work and and owning that.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: These, these kids, are my responsibility Primarily.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Derek's a fair, derek's an amazing partner.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: We definitely do everything together, but really and truly they're my responsibility and it's my job to take where they are and talk to Derek about it.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: I always give him brief little briefings at the end of the day.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Do you do that with Jed?
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: So that's one of my jobs and spending time with them individually is something that I do.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: And I'm a very verbal mom.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: So I am one of those women that just slows down and talks and talks and talks to my kids.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: I ask them questions, they tell me that you know they've all been very open with me about a lot of things, so that's really where I get most of my information is directly from them, and then I'm able to usually discern what I need to do to help them through these different spots.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: But yeah, there's been times when I'm doing getting into college and dating and the ABCs and the one, two, threes at the same time.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: So having that ADD brain, I think it's a superpower when it comes to being a mom, and I definitely do have that.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: I'm all over the board and my brain juggles that very well.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm in my own skin with these kids and being a mom.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like there's like three questions out of that beautiful answer.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: I want to ask you it's your life's work, this is your job, so I want this to be known that this is more of a question for women who are stay at home, because I very much recognize that if you are a full time working mom, this question will probably rub you wrong, and so I don't.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I want to put that precursor out there.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: But specifically to the moms that stay home, that this is their life's work, like they're part of the responsibility during the day is to raise these kiddos while the husband is out and doing that.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: And Kelly and I both recognize that every family looks different.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Everybody has to do different things to make life work for them.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: There's single moms out there.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: But specifically to this one, something that you said I think is important to kind of take a little detour on to talk about, Because I was in the same position.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Kel, you know that my husband travels a ton for work as well, and when my kids were little, it was very easy to get bitter.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: It was very easy to go to.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm here, I'm doing all this stuff with the kids and you know they're out traveling and they're eating fancy dinners and they're whining and dining and they're at sports events, and just how really God had to work on my heart to really know the truth was through a lot of conversations.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: My husband would much rather be home with his family.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: He's not at the NBA game going.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I would choose this every day over being home with my wife and kids.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: He was doing what he needed to do in the position he was in to provide for our family.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: How have you managed Because I do see you and Derek, you know, and again, a lot of it's from afar.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: So we all know that every marriage has its rubs and things we have to work through.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: What has been a way that you have kept your guys' relationship healthy in a way that you don't harbor bitterness, that this is like you are just all in all the time with the kids while he's out doing stuff, or is that something that maybe really hasn't been a struggle for you?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Oh no, I think that that definitely has been a theme in our marriage, and I don't ever want to portray like, oh yeah, this perfect little marriage, and I think, if you're real about life, that any marriage that's been together for 14, 15 years, 20, 28 years, you've had some rough patches, you've had some big things to work out, and, as you know kids just adds fuel to the flame sometimes, right?
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: So we've definitely had times where we've gone to counseling and we have really had to work things out and understand, because Derek's a typical guy where his verbal, emotional communication is not his strong point.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: To me, he's just a grunt.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: He grinds like nobody I've ever seen in my life.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: He just works so hard.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: And so, you're right, he was going to the Grand Prix, he was going on ski vacations, but they were like with business associates.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I was like must be nice.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I didn't hear cleaning snotty noses, you know dirty diapers and you're out at the Grand Prix, and so, yeah, we had some struggles with that for sure.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: So you know how did we get through that?
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: A lot of communication, some counseling, and really what turned the corner, though, was my thoughts about everything, the way that I thought about everything, and instead of being that girl that was like this, is being pushed on this little, a little bit of victim mentality where, oh, I'm just here, a martyr I guess a little bit of martyrism and really be joyful about this beautiful position that I'm in.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: And when I started to embrace that, it really showed me that, like Derek and I are at such opposite ends of the spectrum that it's a superpower, and I was.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: I was watching that and looking at it and thinking about it as, oh, we're maybe just too far apart sometimes, like we'll never understand me.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: And then when I started to change my thoughts about it, it was like, oh, no, this is where we're good.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: So he's going to operate in his strengths, which is grinding and providing and battling in the outside world, and I was nurturing and honing in these kids on the inside of the world.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: So that's kind of what we came to an agreement you take care of all the things in our outside world, derek, and I'll take care of everything on the inside.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: So to the point of what I said earlier was I debrief him on my on the kids?
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: I started taking this as a career and life's work and putting love into it.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: You know, as life's work and one of the things this mom came to me at one point I don't remember, I wish I did, because she made such an impact on me.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: But I remember talking to a mom one time and she said to me and it was when I needed to hear it she said you're probably wondering if what you're doing is is working, if it's impacting these kids, because you're just in it, repeating over and over, saying the same things, having the same battles every single day.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: And she looked me square in the eyes and she said you are, you keep at it.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Always tears me up.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Because it was.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: It was what I needed to hear, because so many times as moms are just grinding and you're wondering is this ever going to pay off?
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: You know, derek is out there getting promotions and getting raises and getting that, all that verbal affirmation, which I'm very verbal affirmation and as a mom, you get none of it.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: You don't right.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Nobody's saying like, oh, you make the best banana bread on the block, great job, mom.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: Or oh you know, we're saying that like behind the scenes.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Nobody knows that stuff.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: And being such a was a collegiate athlete, so I was no different than my kids, where I was always like trying for the next step and achieving and getting those gold medals, the ribbons and everything like that, and you stop getting it the minute that you're a mom, and so I just want to make sure that all those moms know that, as I look now full circle, because I have adult kids, I have an almost 26-year-old, a 24 and a 22-year-old.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: Oh, girls, it comes full circle.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: It comes full circle.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: You keep grinding, you keep doing what you're doing and I promise you it pays off so beautifully.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I love that so much, kel.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I can relate to that on so many levels.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: I love that you said that you know how you and Derek, when you decided that you're being totally opposites, was your superpower.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: To me it's something that we talk about at our house all the time, and in business too is that when you love somebody, you cover each other's weaknesses, you don't try to expose it and when you can really identify okay, these are my husband's strengths, these are my strengths.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: We know where our roles are and I think, for me too, a lot of coming out of that early stages of little kids with this bitterness I think it's I hate to use the word bitterness I think I've let it become that the root cause was exhaustion.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: And when you're exhausted just a free tip to moms if you feel like everything feels like a burden, everything feels like bitterness, you need a nap, you need to rearrange your sleep schedule, you need to put your phone away.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: You need a girl trip.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Right, you need a girl trip.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: You need to just kind of refuel, because I noticed too in my kids when everything is falling apart, world feels overwhelmed.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: It's like what, if you took a nap today, would your body thank you enough that your brain might say, okay, this isn't so bad?
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: So I love that you talked about that with covering each other's weaknesses, and then something else that I just thought of that I think really made a difference for me that I think will be good for listeners to hear is as a young mom, I felt all of this, I'm carrying all of this responsibility and I verbalize it.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: We tend to verbalize that more as women and when my husband actually started to verbalize I feel like I carry an unbelievable responsibility to provide and the insurance and the things that we talk and dream about.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: I had never stopped to think like he's carrying the same burdens on a different level.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: But men typically won't sit and share those things with us and when I heard that for the first time it really humbled me to go wow, what I have sometimes seen as weakness like you work so much is actually something that a lot of women would kill to have a spouse that so badly wants to provide for their family.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: A hundred percent.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: I cannot, I mean I cannot agree more and yeah, derek just it took me from being that like kind of that bitter, that angry, you know, not recognized.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: For me, that's where the root was.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: It's just not being recognized, not being seen.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: It took me from that to sheer gratitude and looking in the mirror and going girl, you really don't have it so bad Like you are so fortunate, you are so lucky to have a man that's willing to go out and slay the dragons for you and you get to be here and raise these little precious you know little turds sometimes, but you know these little precious souls I mean, what a blessing so it really has.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: Once I turned the corner mentally, I think you and I talked about the rules that we have in our family for the kids, and when I started to apply them to myself, it really was a game changer, and the one was really control your thoughts.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: That was like our third rules always control your thoughts, and I wasn't doing a good job of it in that moment.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: So it finally took my advice and started to do that and it really changed the dynamics, and not only because what I found too and I don't know if you, my frustration with Derek was bleeding a little bit into the kids.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: As much as I look back and I'm a little bit ashamed of that, like because I am so verbal, I would let little things slip, or they could.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: They could read me like a book, especially when they got a little bit older, and so it took it from that to now I can explain to them all of the good things about their dad and actually bridge that gap.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: Because he is a little bit rough and he is a little bit, you know, like just Ooh, he's always in go mode.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: We always tell him you're in go mode.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: He has a really hard time to slow down and smell the roses, and so I can now explain that to my kids and we it's just turned from this like angry thing to this endearing thing and now we just think he's the cutest thing ever because he's just like oh, there's dad, he's in go mode, come here, come back and we like, go grab him, somebody go grab him and we make him slow down.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: And but now I can see that as this, like such a, a beautiful thing and they're so proud of him and to be able to make you know my change and turning that corner scene it impact my kids has done more good for them than me probably equally.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and when you can recognize that.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: I remember specifically one time where we were driving and my kids were little I only had two at the time and they were both in car seats and we had gotten a new Suburban.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: It was like my dream car and I remember we were running around doing errands and the kids were in the back.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Now I laugh about it.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: It was like my dream car and I remember we were running around doing errands and the kids were in the back.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: You know, now I laugh about it.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I'm like I wanted a car with TVs.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: Now I'm like, don't you dare give me a car with TVs.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Like take the screens away.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: But at that stage at life I thought it was epic, it was new, new, it was exciting.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: And so we were me and the kids were driving somewhere and the TVs were on and I just thought I love this car, the kids are happy.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: And it was that moment of oh, he's worked really, really hard to provide this for us and just sending a simple text like driving around with the kids today in this awesome suburban, and we were just talking about how grateful we are for how hard you work for our family and having that conversation.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: Like you said, our kids do pick up on it and so, as much as they pick up when I'm like dad's going to be late for dinner, they also pick up when I say, guys, isn't this car awesome?
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Or when they say this is a great car, say I know your dad has worked so hard.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Even if you're working, it doesn't matter Just to validate that every day he's getting up, he's grinding, he's going, he's not complaining.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Just that, that transition.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: So if you're in this place of maybe a little bit of bitterness and you're listening, I just encourage you send your, send your spouse, and if you're we know a lot of dads listen if you're a husband, you know Kelly said it there is not a lot of praises for best banana bread or whatever it is.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: Nobody commented that I was able to pull out a little bit of geometry or algebra at the homework table after 25 years of dust, right, like these are things that for me feel like dude, I rocked that, but nobody's going to tell me that.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: And so if you're a dad listening, I just encourage you.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: Find the things that your wife is doing that feel very mundane the dishes, the food she's cooking, the way she communicates with the kids, when she just has that natural ability to calm a situation or to take care of an injury, to just say, man, the way that you interact with our kids and the comfort that you give them, it's such proof that you just have invested so much into them.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for you, in the same way that a wife, when she was grateful for something or maybe goes on the vacation that she's dreamed of, she can say to her husband thank you so much.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: And I know for everybody that gets all up in their silliness, like I know, you are worth $100,000 plus a year as a stay-at-home mom.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: But until we recognize a partnership, it's very easy to do the keeping score.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: And until we recognize he could not do his job without you, you could also not do a job without him.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: This isn't about, you know, feminism or any of this stuff.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: It's about in a partnership, when this is what you have agreed upon, there are going to be highs and lows on both sides, and until you appreciate the other person, you will rub like sandpaper and you will not have a great marriage.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: And so we kind of got off on a whole big marriage thing there, kel.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: No, I totally agree with that.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: So we kind of got off on a whole big marriage thing there, cal no, I totally agree with that.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: And that's something too.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: I'm checking in with Derek as much as I am with my kids, like I'm the center point emotionally with my entire family.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: That is my job to keep us as a family unit right and to be connected and to help each of the kids understand what each of the other kids and dad are going through.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: So there's a lot of times, to your point, that I'm like hey, your dad had it, he's going to be late for dinner.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: Instead of being all grumpy about it, I'm like, hey, dad's going to be late for dinner, it's because he's had a really rough day.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: So when he gets in, like give him a hug and go tell him thank you for working so hard.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: What that's done is it's created an appreciation and gratitude with my kids and it's also taught them to go outside of who they are and what their worlds and to actually think about somebody else's trials and tribulations and be compassionate about.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Wow, dad is working hard for us.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: You know those shoes and that, that monthly volleyball coaching fee that we're paying and the private school, that's all.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: Your dad, make sure you say thank you.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: It goes a long way.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: So I do the same thing as you on that one and have really implemented that attitude and that train of thought over the last 10 years or so.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: It's made a huge difference in our marriage, a huge difference.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad we got that little segue because we don't talk as much about marriage here on the podcast and I know that if you're a parent and you're married right, and if you don't focus on that part, you can be the best mom ever, and if your marriage is falling apart, you have done your kids a disservice of probably one of the core foundations you mentioned when you said control your thoughts.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: Rule number three can you rattle off your rules Like are they just right there?
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: What are they?
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: You can rattle off the rules.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: The kids can.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: So the number one rule is to show up.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: So you show up to church, you show up for your friends, you show up to school, you show up to practice, and it means to just get there, like physically, get there, show up for your family, right.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: That's the number one thing.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: And the number two one is to do your best in the moment.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: It looks different every day.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: I mean we know that like there's different emotions, different dynamics, different physical states that you're at.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: So just do your best in that moment.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: And then the third one is to control your thoughts.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: And it's been pretty cool and this is something I would say to moms is that you know, these are three things that were really important to Derek and I, because I think that for our family, I can coach off of that, I can parent off of those three rules, anything that those kids have brought me over the last 26 years.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: There has not been one time that I cannot parent from that and figure out the problem with those three rules.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: So, as a mom, I would just say find your three rules, or four rules, or five of your family rules, right.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: You and your husband come up with that, because you can't do it all, you can't teach it all.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: So you have to find the things that are important to you, the values that you want to instill in your kids, and to have those be a thread that run through every lesson in our lives.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: Like I said, they can come to me and say hey, my teacher doesn't like me, tell me about this.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: We go through those three rules.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: Are you showing up?
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: Are you doing your best?
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: A lot of times it's one of those two things and at the very end, are you controlling your?
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: You controlling your thoughts, like, how do you know that they don't like you?
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Why have you made that story up?
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: Like, tell me about that.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Could you change that story?
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: It's been something that's been very helpful.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: It's been a shortcut for me, cause I don't know if you're like me, but there's been a few times that I'm like they come to me with something I don't even know what to say at this point.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: What?
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: This is a brand new, because we're all first time moms, Even with the 26 year old I'm a first time mom for a 26 year old and things that she's going through, and so there's times that I'm just like, oh God.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: Like then I'm always like I'll go back to your three rules and I'll go through this.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, did you show up?
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: And blah, blah, blah.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Those are our three rules, our family rules.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: And yeah, my kids can say it and I parent off of them all the time.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: They're probably annoyed with me most of the time, but they're helpful.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: And when it works, when you can find the crack.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Every time they're like, well, shoot, clearly the rules work.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah Right, when there's proof, that's great.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: First, when you said that, I was like, oh shoot, I wish we had a set of family rules like that.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: And you think, oh, it's too late.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: And people on this podcast probably get sick of me saying it is never too late because my youngest is 14.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: You know, your youngest is 14.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: And even if you're just implementing stuff that make life better, that coach, that encourage, that produce integrity, it is never too late to implement those things.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: No, those rules help me at 50, right, I mean so?
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: I mean, anytime you implement this, we learn.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: We should be learning all of our lives, and I know you're a believer of that too, and we should.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: You know, I keep telling my kids I'm like, I'm evolving.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: You've got to let me evolve also.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: I'm going to bring new things to the table and I'm going to listen to the new things you bring to the table, and we're all just going to keep trying to elevate the rest of our lives, Like that's our job.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and it's interesting as your kids get older.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, I looked at Jed the other day and I said to him our kids were talking about something and we've got two that are in the medical field and they're in the midst of all this education and they said something and I looked at him.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: We were all sitting together and I was like, well, I feel like we maybe have reached the point that our kids legitimately might be smarter than us in a lot of ways, but the caveat was they might be smarter.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: We still have more wisdom, because wisdom is life experience right.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: So we have the life experience, but as far as just like I need to stop with the no, it's not that way and go.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: They actually probably might have a little bit more knowledge on that subject than I do or a newer understanding, since I went to college in the 90s, so it's interesting how that shifts a little bit too.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: So I love those family rules, love it.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: So talk a little bit.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: One of the things that I have loved the most in just conversations with you and it's something that I'm super passionate about as well is and you mentioned it earlier that you, when you slow down, it allows you to talk, to have conversation, to use that car time, to sit on the couch to just get to know your kids, and I have admired the way that there is there's no off-subject topics for you.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: Like, if your kids wanna talk about it, you're gonna talk about it, and I remember sitting a lot earlier with you and we were talking all things the birds and the bees and just talking to our kids about that.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: And what would your advice to moms and dads be?
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: That to not make any area of life taboo, to be able to have conversation about all those things, very naturally.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: What have you done to build in that, maybe foundation that, any conversation that needs to be had?
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Number one I love the way that, even when you and I talk about stuff just very like chill, like everything is calm and we can talk about anything, about stuff Just very like chill, like everything is calm and we can talk about anything, how have you learned to have that kind of demeanor around your kids, around all topics?
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: So I feel like I've always been an open book, so that's something that's it's always.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: It's never been a hard thing for me.
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: My mom and I talked openly about a lot.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: We would go on walks at night and she there was no topic that was off limits.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: So she was a beautiful role model for me on that.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: And then another mom when I had littles I mean they were, I think, sophia my oldest was like four.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: I only had three of the kids, two or three of the kids and one of the moms said to me she said no matter what your kids bring to the table, make it important to you.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: So when they come home from preschool and they're like Johnny's chasing me and instead of blowing that off and you know they tell you five times the same thing over and over instead of blowing that off and be like, oh, I know, okay, cool, and we stir it, you know, and blowing them off, they said make everything they bring to you important because you're setting a standard for them, that you are interested in everything that they have to say that their voice matters.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: Now there are times that we're in adult conversation and we would have certain rules.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: They put their hand on my shoulder and then I'm like I'll get to you in a second.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: They couldn't just interrupt and be the center of stage all the time.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: But when they did, I would always turn to them and be like okay, so tell me about this Johnny boy, like what's going on with him.
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: Why is he chasing you?
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: So thanks to this mom and thankfully I listened to her I was able to get my kids very comfortable at a young age to bring everything to me and that I thought that it was pretty interesting.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: And then, as they got older, you older boys will pull away at certain points, very naturally.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: What I figured out with boys, especially middle school and older, is that their clocks started to change so they would get hungry right about 10 o'clock at night, 9.30, 10 o'clock at night.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: So when Derek's upstairs like, come to bed, I'm like I'll be there in a minute.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: I would go down.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: I'm like, what do you want for a snack?
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: And they would be like, oh, anything, I'm going to go make them a snack and make them some toast or whatever.
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: And that is when they would sit down and start to dish.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: I don't know if your boys are like that.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: All three of my boys have been like that.
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: When you get food and they finally are at the end of their day, they will tell me so much.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: So even doing that once a week or a couple times a week kept me in their lives and kept me talking with them.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: But we've never, like you said, never had any off topics.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: My philosophy was always, if they can ask the question, it's coming from a place of curiosity, and so many of the birds and the bees conversation don't be embarrassed by him.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: That's how God made us, that's how God made our bodies to work, and so I never was embarrassed about that.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: And I also told my kids that the whole story about about sex because when I was growing up it was very much like sex is bad, don't have sex, that's not good.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: You just wait till you're married and that would be it Right.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: And now I tell my kids cause that gives you a little bit of a complex that like sex is not good, it's not this healthy thing and there's a little guilt around it and things.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: So now I'm like it's the most beautiful thing, you guys, it is the most beautiful.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: I know it's foreign, it sounds crazy, it sounds weird, but it's God, it's God's way of you know how we make babies and this is how it is and this is how it works and this is what we do.
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: And they're always like, oh my gosh, I'm like I know it.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: I remember when I first figured it out, too, it was a little shocking.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so we just we talk about all.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: And there's been a couple times when I thought like I think it was Owen or maybe Benjamin came to me.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: They're like Mom, how do you have babies?
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: And he was a little younger, he was clearly as the older ones.
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: He's like how do you, how'd you and dad make babies?
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: And I looked at him and I said, if you really want to know, I will tell you.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: I think you're maybe a little bit young.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: I think this is a good conversation for another year down the road, but I will tell you.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: And he looked at me and he goes yeah, I'm not ready yet.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, well, then we'll, we'll circle back around and maybe six months to another year and I'll explain it to you.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: Then when you're a little, it is a little shocking but it's beautiful, you know.
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: So that's just kind of the way that I've always talked about it to my kids and even now I've learned things from my bigs to my littles where I, you know, sophia said to me one time she said oh my gosh, mom, I was always afraid that, like if a friend of mine or any of us got pregnant or something like that, right, you would just be so angry and so, even remembering that, I'm like that's the last thing I want my kids is not to bring something to me.
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: I'm like you can bring anything to me.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: So the beauty of having bigs and littles is I'm able to repair a lot of the things that I didn't do as well as I had hoped to, and change things right.
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: You grow, and so just the other day I was I don't even remember what we were on the topic, it was kind of on the topic and I go.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: I looked at Owen and Vivian at the same time and I go.
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: I just want you guys to know that no matter what life brings you, no matter what you know situations you're getting yourself into if you were drunk driving, if you are pregnant, if you are on drugs, if something, I go you better.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: You better bring that to me before anybody else.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: I want to be the one that helps you figure that out.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: So I've been able to reconcile a lot of those little things that, like, cause some fear in my kids.
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: You know that's the last thing I wanted to do.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: So anyways right.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: You want them to make choices out of conviction because you've shared the whole story not mom is going to hate me or it's being able to talk about and I think, too, you find that stage in parenting where you're able to start sharing, as hard as it is, some of the mistakes that you made, so that your kids realize, okay, mom and dad didn't do it perfect, any of the things that we talk about, and when I did this wrong or I lost this friend and I know it's because of me doing X, y and Z, or I regret that conversation.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: Anytime that you can find ways to bring that into your conversations with your kids, I think it humanizes you as a person that has walked that path, because it is very hard for our kids, as I'm a 46-year-old, for my 14-year-old to think mom would understand, and so anything we can do to bridge that gap I think is so important In that whole conversation of sex.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: The reality is that now our kids will find the information.
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: I had a friend who was a therapist specializing in teaching children about sexuality and just all these different things, and she helped me so much will find the information.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: I had a friend who was a therapist specializing in teaching children about sexuality and just all these different things, and she helped me so much.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: I came to this realization that our kids are going to Google when they're curious, they are going to find an answer.
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: And she had told me that scientific evidence shows that whoever first talks to your children about sexuality whether that be a friend on the bus, whether that be another adult inappropriately, whether that be health class or it be something they read or see on the internet, typically, whatever our first exposure is is what we take as truth.
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: And that was her encouragement to say don't think you can wait.
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: And this was you guys 14 years ago.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: This was before the internet was everywhere.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: When you think about the fact that your kids first exposure if it's not from you laying out the truth about what you believe about you know whether you're coming from a biblical perspective or your own relationships.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: If they hear a messed up, perverted version on a school bus before they hear it from you, their little brains.
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: They gave the example of a sponge right, and if a sponge is totally dry and then water is thrown on it, it sucks up all of that water and if the first water is inaccurate information, that is what the sponge is saturated with.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: But if you, at five and seven and nine and 11, are having these healthy conversations totally age appropriate that are splashing little bits of water onto that sponge when false information comes, the sponge is already saturated with truth and I just thought isn't that a great analogy?
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: And so just that encouragement that it is so important that you build in.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: I love the late night times with the guys, right, because it is it's like they eat four meals a day now.
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: And just figuring out, somebody else, a guest on the podcast earlier this summer, and I've mentioned it a couple of times said opportunity with our children for conversation is like an elevator door and it opens and then very quickly it closes, and part of our job as parents is to identify when the door opens.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: When that elevator door opens, put your phone down, turn the TV off, turn in towards your child, embrace that conversation, because if you think, oh, I'll come back to that, even in 30 seconds, there is a good chance that whatever courage or fear or whatever they had mustered up that was going to let them talk about it.
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: It's gone and now you have to wait for another.
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: The magic is gone, yeah.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: That's great.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: That's a great analogy.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: All right, kel, so let's kind of.
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: I want to kind of wrap this up with the, with the kid part, and then I want to just kind of turn into middle age and some of the other things.
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: We're only like on question three here and I can send you 16.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: But one little thing that I want to talk to you about that I have just loved watching that I think is so relevant and I think we could probably do an entire month series on parents and children athletes because of how messed up I think our world has started to get around so many things around student athletes, whether that's in.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: I mean it starts so early.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Now you have parents that think if their kid isn't in a club sport by fourth grade, they've missed their window.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: There's no chance.
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: You have people that are.
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: You know everything about.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: The parent's goal is to make this child a superstar athlete and just how number one crazy.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: And I'll put myself in this category because, having a daughter who plays collegiately, I can look back on years past and go I should have done that differently, or I didn't handle that well, or maybe that wasn't good balance, and so we learn from that.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: But I have watched you guys, both you and Derek being collegiate athletes at a high level, then having a lot of children who play very competitive, and having a son who is becoming a nationally known name and will probably become that more and more.
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: But I have watched how you are so calm that, how you keep things in perspective, how, when season-ending injuries come a year before or the year that maybe a draft is going to happen, I mean I remember calling you after I saw Ben get injured in that game and knowing the amount of impact that was on that injury and just being so blown away by your I mean within 12 hours your response of God's got him, god's got him, this is good, it's going to be okay.
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: Just talk to me about how you and Derek have managed being level-headed when you're working with your kids on the gifts that God has given them clearly talented, clearly have opportunity to go and be well-known professional athletes.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: How have you guys managed that?
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: Well, thank you.
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: So our philosophy with sports is that our kids are going to be in sports for the life lessons period.
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: That is why they're in there.
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: Now, if they want to take that to the next level, that's going to be child-driven, 100% child-driven.
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: They have to put in the work, their jobs, to put in the work, their jobs to fight for what they want.
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: Because, as you know, it takes a lot of fight in a kid to rise up to the levels that it takes.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: And our job is to provide the support and opportunity for our kids if they choose that.
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: But our goal for our kids has never been to be collegiate athletes and actually all three of my bigs have competed division one.
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: So Sophia rode for Alabama.
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: She was a division one athlete, just an absolute.
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: She got a scholarship in a nine month period.
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: She's just an absolute.
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: It was just ridiculous how strong she was and how hard she worked.
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: And then Calvin, our second, was a football player at Cal Poly.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: So that's also division one.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: And then Ben obviously is, you know, taking that to a whole different level and is just Mr Ben, mr All-America.
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: We love that.
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: But really and truly our philosophy is that they're in it for the life lessons and to stay fit and to stay busy and to stay out of trouble, to meet new friends, to learn to deal with people that they don't necessarily like, maybe to be in unfair situations and have to cope with that.
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: Control your thoughts about that.
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: It is to practice the three rules, which are the showing up, doing your best when you don't feel like it and controlling your thoughts.
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: It is about attitudes no, the ref is not out to get you.
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: No, you're not on the bench because your coach has it out for you.
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: No, you need to work, you need to look in the mirror, like all of the things that we do in life.
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: Our kids are learning in sports and that's what Derek and I took away from our sports career is really.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: It was the most valued part of that was obviously getting our education paid for was very valuable, but more important than that were the life lessons, and so when we started to put our kids into sports, we can just sit back and our jobs to teach them those things.
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: It's not for them to accelerate or to be the best.
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: That was on them, that was on our kids, so it really allowed us to just enjoy the process.
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's been a lot of work for us, as you know, a lot of time, money and a lot of coaching, but sports has been one of the most beautiful things and has provided me so many opportunities to level my kids up mentally, emotionally, physically.
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: So that's why we're able to stay so chill about it.
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: And as far as the injuries and the challenges, it still goes back to hey, ben, you got a season ending injury and now you're going to have to put off going into the.
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: NFL another year, your life's work and your life's dream.
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: So are you going to show up?
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: It's still.
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: Are you going to quit?
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: Are you going to show up?
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: Are you going to still do your best in rehab?
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: What are your thoughts about this?
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: What are you thinking?
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: It goes back to those three rules and to life lessons.
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: I think if you can know why your kids are in sports and to keep a perspective around that, it makes it really easy to stay pretty chill about it all.
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: How have you taught humility through that process?
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: For I mean specifically in this situation, ben right, when you are getting a lot of recognition and there's lots of big things ahead of you, how have you obviously there's a point when our kids have to.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: Their choices are their choices right, these are adults we're talking about now.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: But in how you communicate with him and in the conversations that you have, how have you continued to instill that you are not your sport?
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: Well, and that's like right now, like exactly what you said.
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: I haven't had to teach him any humility at this point at all.
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: He's so humble about it.
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: He blows things off.
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: He will never send me an article, or there's so many things written up about like weekly about him specifically and he never points them out to me.
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: I don't even know if he reads them.
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: He's so humble, he downplays everything.
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: And so, like you said, for us, watching my kids it's probably around 13, 12, 13, 14 years old is really when they took it upon themselves to be the humans that they are, and so those first 12 years are really important and I think that's where we instilled the humility.
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: So how do we do that?
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: A lot of hey, did you thank your coach?
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: Hey, great last shot.
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: Who passed that to you, creating awareness around their head that you know you need to go.
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: Thank your your shooting coach or you need to go.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: They're the ones that helped you with that.
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: It gave you some great tips.
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: Did you thank the refs?
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: Did you thank your teammates?
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: Did you you know?
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: So?
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: So really sitting in that gratitude but also saying like really proud of you you held it together and and really talking to your kids about the good things that you've seen in them.
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: I think is an important thing.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: And also I bring back when people come up to me and say things about my kids like, oh, he's so humble or he's so this or he's so that I will bring that back to him.
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: I'm like, thank you so much, I'll let them know that.
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: You said that I think parents take too much credit for the good, but also for the bad that our kids do.
• 50:29
  Speaker 2: As adults, we take it upon ourselves Like no, they're making their own decisions.
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: So all the good things, I'm like, thank you, I will let them know.
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: I really appreciate that.
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: I think that I'm going to let them know that you said that, so I'll bring that back to my kids.
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: You know, oh, and the other day I'm going off on a little bit of a tangent, but oh, and the other day we were at a basketball camp and there was this little 90 year old lady that I was sitting next to we're watching the camp wrap up and her son was the head coach of the camp, who was like in his sixties, like she's this older lady sweetheart and Owen came up to me and he said, mom, I'm in a run outside.
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: I said, oh, I want to introduce you to Mrs Barnes.
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: And he stopped and like the whole world stopped and he looked at her and grabbed her hand.
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: He's like so nice to meet you, mrs Barnes.
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: And I said, yes, this is the coach's mom.
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: And he was sitting there and talking and she just was like I mean, she had her hand on her heart and she was like, oh my goodness, she was like looking him up and down and she said something to me and I was like, yeah, thank you, I'll let them know that you said you know.
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: So I always want to make sure that I'm bringing that back to the kids, because they're the ones that are humble, they are the ones now that are hardworking, who have good manners, all of these things Let me, that's on them.
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: But, as a mom, it is our job to bring that awareness to them as young adults, to create that gratitude and to realize that it does take a team Even if you're in an individual sport, it takes a team to get you to where you are.
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: So let's share that and let's make sure that we are appreciating all of the other things around us that are helping us get to this elevated position.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: That is powerful, that is so good.
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: And you're right.
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: That's actually when you started to say you know, we like to take the credit for what they do good.
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: I thought you were going to say, but we don't take enough of the when they do bad.
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: And so when you said we take too much credit, we take too much responsibility as they're older, that's a really that's a good little thing to sit on there for a second, you guys, because if you don't have older kids yet, you might not totally understand this.
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: When our kids are little, we have to kind of manage everything, but as our kids get older, we can carry a lot of weight and responsibility for their choices.
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: That is not ours to carry.
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: That is not ours to carry because they have a foundation, they know right from wrong.
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: They know, you know, showing up versus not showing up, and doing our best versus not doing our best, and controlling our thoughts and not and when they choose.
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: Just like every day, as an adult, I choose to make good choices or bad.
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: I would never want my parents to carry the weight of my bad choices.
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: I think our hearts always break anytime we see our kids not making good choices or going down a path that we don't love, but ultimately and I know we've talked about this in a lot of different situations we have to recognize these are adults, they're making adult decisions and this is how they learn.
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: Making bad decisions a lot of times is how we learn our biggest lessons, and I think right now, parents try to control and overstep to make sure that no bad happens to our kids, and that is not good.
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I could go on and on about that, and that is one thing that you know.
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: For Vivian at least.
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: She goes to a school that is at school three days a week, and then she's homeschooled two days a week.
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: And I have a tutor because that's not my gift.
• 53:49
  Speaker 2: So I'm like you know what, I know my limitations.
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: I'm home with her, I'm able to hear the attitude and the all the things and coach her on that.
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: But this tutor comes in twice a week and she's a very much a perfectionist.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: The tutor is, and I keep telling her I'm like you gotta let Vivian fail.
• 54:04
  Speaker 2: You've got to let her turn her own work in, because it's the years where we get to see where she is.
• 54:09
  Speaker 2: These are the years where she's supposed to be failing.
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: If she's going to fail, you know, with my kids and in the whole drinking and partying and things like that, I'm very open with them.
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: I'm like listen, you can go to a party.
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: But one of the things that I don't ever want to have to worry about is that you're telling me the truth and that you're being open with me, like are you going to have a drink?
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: If you are, we need to have a conversation about that.
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: I'd prefer you not to, but I want you to be able to bring that to me and so just having those conversations of you know like you are out in real life.
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: You are the one living this life, you're the one making the calls at this point, and the more that my kids were out there making mistakes and feeling that they could bring those mistakes to me, that was the way that I was able to parent.
• 54:57
  Speaker 2: So when parents say things like you should not be your kid's best friend, I disagree.
• 55:03
  Speaker 2: I 100% disagree.
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: Now I tell my kids I wear two hats.
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: I wear the mom hat and I wear the friend hat.
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: And I'll tell you I have no problem putting either one of those on.
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: I can lay it down and draw the lines in the sand when I need to, but when I've been really open with my kids, I'm like listen, I prefer to wear the friend hat.
• 55:23
  Speaker 2: If you force my hand and I have to do the mom hat, I will, but I prefer to wear the friend hat because that's when they bring things to you.
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: They bring things to their best friends, the people that they feel that they're going to be loved and accepted no matter what, that they are going to feel safe with right.
• 55:39
  Speaker 2: So I have a little bit different of a philosophy and the more that I've done that, the better it goes.
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: I've just me personally with my kids, the better it goes.
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: You know, sophia, I made a lot of mistakes with her because I'm like you know, I had this mentality of, well, we're the Eurostics and this is how we do things, and we do things excellently and we show up and we, you know all those things, and it really made her feel alienated, a lot, like she didn't always feel so safe and we had such a hard like struggle with her as, like no, you know, she snuck out one time like Ooh, she snuck out and she was 16 years old and a cop came to our tour and said here's your daughter.
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: And I'm telling you, it was in this little, when we lived in Seattle, this little, like sweet little town and the cops had nothing better to do than nail kids that were smoking behind the building, you know, basically.
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: But they, they grabbed her and brought her home and it was just like in that moment it was like the end of the world, where now I would just be like all right, sit down, girl.
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: Like what's going on, why'd you do that?
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: Like hey, let me know, it's just a whole different parenting philosophy, but I am the queen of tangents, I just went from one end of the spectrum to the other.
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: But I just think that it's really important to be your kids' friends, to give them the space to fail, to give them the space to succeed and to acknowledge all of it in a nonjudgmental way, just a teaching way, to be able to say hey, what do you think about that?
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: Did that work out for you?
• 57:12
  Speaker 2: Or why are you trying to like, why do you feel like you need to sneak out?
• 57:15
  Speaker 2: So I've been able to change a lot of that, thank God, with my with my others and and a lot of healing has come from that, because that's given me the opportunity to talk to Sophie and go man.
• 57:26
  Speaker 2: I didn't get that right.
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, sweetheart, and I see it's probably a little bit frustrating for you to see me be so different and so much more loose and forgiving with Vivian and Owen.
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: I understand that there's probably a little bit of frustration and anger there, but I just know that I'm still trying to get better.
• 57:45
  Speaker 2: I'm still trying to grow, just like you are, and you know.
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: I just hope that you can forgive that I wasn't that perfect parent for you and thank you for being that first.
• 57:53
  Speaker 2: I always call her the little first pancake parent for you and thank you for being that first.
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: I always call her the little first pancake.
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: The first little pancake that got flipped around a lot sometimes.
• 58:01
  Speaker 2: The temperature just wasn't quite right, and that's on me.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: You didn't wait for the perfect bubbles before you flipped it over Right?
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: There is an art I was new at pancakes, sweetie, Just give me some grace but that's also able to heal us too, where we've grown together through this.
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: You know, I've held her hand and she's cried and I've cried and I'm like man, I wish I could take that back.
• 58:24
  Speaker 2: I wish I could, I could do it over a bit, but I can't.
• 58:27
  Speaker 2: And so you just have to know that, like I'm really sorry, Like I was a little too hard on you.
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: We were way too hard on you in some moments that expected perfection when you weren't ready for it.
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: That's on us.
• 58:38
  Speaker 2: So it's been a nice process to be able to say you didn't do everything right.
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I think you start to recognize as your older ones go through.
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: You look back and I feel like in my 30s, I felt like everything I was doing was to try to prove like I am a good employee, I am a good mom, I am a good wife, and you're so worried about the appearance, right.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: So when the cop shows up, you first think, oh shoot, that's the Urosic name where now you go.
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: I can't just protect our name, I have to protect the heart of my kids.
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: That's way more important, and I think there is this evolution of just even as we grow, of what used to be important to me just really holds very little value now, and just how that does impact your parenting, and I love where you talked about to be your kid's best friend.
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: I think what was so important, though, is that you stressed the mom hat and the friend hat, and that I think where we get into this culture where all these moms are their kid's best friend, is where they have literally packed away the mom hat because it's cool to be your kid's friend and I love that you're like.
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: ultimately, I want to have a friendship with you if you'll honor that.
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: But as soon as you don't honor the boundaries, I have to put my mom hat.
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: That's my job.
• 59:52
  Speaker 2: My job is to keep you inside.
• 59:53
  Speaker 2: Now, as my kids have gotten older, I've that's my job.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: Like, my job is to keep you inside.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: Now, you know, as my kids have gotten older, I realized that my boundaries need to expand.
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 2: I got to give them a little more room inside that box.
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: There's still a box.
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: They can't disrespectful, they can't, you know, they can't just be irreverent and disrespectful.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 2: But that box has gotten a lot bigger than it was with my first two and one of the things that I realized is that, like, give your kids that longer leash and be watching, be there to help them pick it up, because, again, you cannot parent until they fail.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: Like that's when the best parenting moments come in.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 2: If you're loving, you're that you're that hammock that's underneath them, that safety net that's underneath them.
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 2: So I loved it, like, and I didn't love it, but I loved the opportunities that their failures brought me.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: Well, kel, I feel like we could go on and on and on about parenting.
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: I want to kind of take a break here because I have a list of more questions, but I feel like they apply to marriage and this stage of life that we're walking through and we talk regularly about.
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: So, right there, friends, this is going to be a two-parter, because we just have so much more to talk about.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: We're going to end this week's episode and bring Kelly back for another to talk about this next stage of just middle age and perimenopause menopause, taking care of ourselves, slowing down and kind of gearing up in a way that gets us super excited for the next chapters that we're walking into.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: So, kelly, thank you so much for being here this week with us.
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 2: Thank you for having me.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: What a sweet compliment.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you.
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: Well, we loved having you here.
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: I know that there was so many nuggets that people are going to take and I know that people are going to ask.
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 2: We talked about Ben and what's ahead, so we will be sure, in the show notes, tell the people where they can find and follow Ben this year and be cheering him on he's at University of Georgia go dogs and he's a tight end number 84 on their team and next year should be, hopefully, if all things go as planned, we will see him go into the draft.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 2: So you can find him at Ben Urosik on Instagram, I think, twitter, I think he's in all those little places, but not very not very active.
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: He's so chill.
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: He doesn't even.
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 2: He doesn't like all the glitz, but he's out there.
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 2: You'll see him on TV.
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: That's why it's fun to watch him and cheer him on, because he is so humble about it.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: So we're excited to be cheering him on, maybe show up at a game and just get to celebrate with you.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 1: If you are listening and you are loving what you're hearing here on Heart that Beats for Home, do us a favor and go rate and review this podcast.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: Ratings and reviews are what get us into the algorithms and help other moms, dads and individuals that are looking to cultivate strong families find us.
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: So be sure to do that.
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: And until next week, friends, take care.