Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Ep. 52: Unhappily Married? Stop Doing These 3 Things Before It Gets Worse

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Ep. 52: Unhappily Married? Stop Doing These 3 Things Before It Gets Worse · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, I'm going to be shedding light on three behaviors that happy couples don't do, or at least I should say don't do that often.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: But unhappy couples tend to do this a lot.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to briefly talk to you about what those three behaviors are, and then we're going to go over how stopping can actually benefit you.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Divorce Decision Podcast, the show for couples asking the most painful question in marriage.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Should we stay or should we go?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: If your marriage feels heavy, confusing, or painfully uncertain, you're not alone.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're leaning towards divorce or hoping to rebuild your marriage, my desire is to help you find clarity.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get started.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there everyone.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins, and today I wanted to suggest to you to stop doing three very specific things if you are doing any of them in your relationship.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: These are things that I've just noticed that a lot of the couples that I work with who are really unhappy, they're doing them.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's pretty consistent across the board.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how many of these things you do is dependent on a couple of things.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, first of all, your personality.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean you have a bad personality if you're doing these, but certain people definitely have are wired in a way where they lean into some more than the other, uh, more than other personality types.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing that really impacts how many of these you do is also just like what stage of the divorce decision process you are in.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you guys are not walking around wondering what stage you're in.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you're not.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're just like living your life.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But there are stages that you're actually going through.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually like an arc.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so if you don't know what stage of the divorce digit divorce decision, excuse me, uh, you are in, I would encourage you to go take my free quiz.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Should we get a divorce?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: It tells you what stage you're in.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you can take that quiz by visiting kahoskins.com.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it's k-a-h-o-s, k-n-s.com.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what I really have noticed is that couples who are in the later stages, like stages four and five, they tend to do all three of these things.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Again, some of it depending, especially the first one on a personality type, but it's pretty consistent, at least in the people that I have had uh the privilege of working with.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here are the three things.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing that I want you to stop if you are doing it is belittling or demeaning your partner.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe you belittle them or demean them to other people when you're out in public.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to like their face during an argument, or maybe it's underneath your breath as you're walking past them, right?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that snide comment that's belittling or demeaning.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, maybe it's just in your head and you're not actually like saying it out loud, but demeaning and belittling your partner really creates a bad dynamic in your relationship.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it leads to a ton of resentment and it can actually lead to feelings of contempt.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that not only feels bad for you, it feels bad for your partner, and it will start to affect the way they also see you and interact with you.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And all of that has a culminating effect.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing I suggest stopping doing is keeping score, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like who does more?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I do more housework, or I have to, you know, I have to go work more hours, or who um has to do more for the kids, or who has to do more of the work around the house, or whatever it, you know, whatever or the yard work, whatever it happens to be, whatever you're doing more sounds like.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Another version of keeping score would be who cares more, who's always, always has to be the first one to apologize, or always has to be the first one um to reach for the other person's hand, or there's one person who always is the one who initiates sex.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um who's been hurt more is another big one with keeping score.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Going, rehashing old arguments, old fights.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's really where you see a lot of the resentment show up and keeping score of um how many times your partner, you know, all those moments, how many times your partner didn't show up for you when you really needed them to, stuff like that.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Who has more freedom, who gets to go and do more things, who gets to spend more money, who gets to go do their hobbies, who gets to sleep more.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, maybe your version of keeping score is who sacrificed more.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I took that job that I hated because it was better for the family, or sacrificing their your dreams, or sacrificing your identity.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's another big one.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So any version of keeping score, and then of course, you know, after we keep score, in order to keep the score, we have to hold on to it, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when you hold on to it, what does that do?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Creates more resentfulness, more disconnection between the two of you.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing I would suggest that you stop doing is stop avoiding talking about stuff.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Stop avoiding talking about issues when they are small.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't bring up things when they are small, a couple of things happen.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, the first one is that you stew on it so you feel crappy.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you're stewing on it, that small thing becomes a very big thing, usually down the road and in your head.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason why I suggest stopping is because if or stopping avoiding is because if you don't bring up this issue to your partner, it's just your problem.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's not actually a problem, it's your problem because you haven't even talked to them about it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so now it's your problem that you are carrying all by yourself and adding to your unhappiness just by not talking about it.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason why I suggest that you stop avoiding is because you can't fix it.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't talk about it, you can't fix it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, listen, maybe it's a problem that's not fixable, but you won't even know that, A, until you bring it up.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And B, if you don't bring it up, it's 100% guaranteed not to be fixable.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the sooner you can actually bring something up and address it, the better off you personally are going to be, not just your relationship, but you.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So the thing that all three of these things have in common is this they all add to your resentfulness that you already have towards your partner.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have resentfulness yet, if you keep doing this stuff, you trust me, you're gonna get there really, really fast.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it adds to resentfulness.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It creates more disconnection between the two of you, and it causes your relationship every single time you do one of these things to deteriorate just a little bit more.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how people go from unhappy to really, really, really unhappy is by continuing to do these things.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And these things all just become a natural part of your relationship, and it is incredibly destructive.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so what happens when you stop?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop doing these things, it's stopping the bleed.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't magically fix your relationship overnight, but it will stop it from deteriorating.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what that means is that your daily life is going to feel better and more enjoyable.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Even if in the end you choose to separate or get a divorce, your daily life will get better if you stop doing these three things, if you're doing that.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if you go down the path of wanting to try to turn your relationship around and repair it, this is also going to help that process.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because number one, you're not adding to the damage.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're kind of like freezing the damage where it's at.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So there's going to be less repair that has to happen.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And because you're interacting better on a daily basis, it's definitely going to increase the likelihood of being open and having a positive experience when you do actually try to either repair or rebuild your marriage.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's helpful in that area.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the last reason why it's helpful is if you do end up choosing to separate and go down the divorce route, this is going to help you go through that process a lot more smoothly.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: When you can talk about things, it's going to make the divorce process less expensive and um a little bit less damaging to both of you.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So to recap, if you are doing any of these things, belittling or demeaning, keeping score, or avoiding talking about issues when they're small, I really encourage you to stop doing them immediately and just see what impact it has on you and your life and potentially your relationship.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, look, you guys, if this was helpful for you, it would help me out so much if you could take just a second and give me a rating and maybe even leave a comment that really will help other people find me as well.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope this was helpful and I look forward to seeing you next time.