Latest / Shared Light / Ep.17 - Building the “Home Team”: Parenting Without Losing Your Marriage

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Ep.17 - Building the “Home Team”: Parenting Without Losing Your Marriage · Shared Light

• JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning all. to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I obviously JR. ⁓ And Dustie. So we wanted to touch on a topic today near and dear our heart we spoke about in previous episode, which if you're not up, you should go get caught up. you should probably go get caught up. You like, subscribe, do all the things that content creators need to keep engagement flowing. Keep going. But, you know, for a long time, Dustie and I did not have kids. We lived for 10-ish years. About 10 years. Where it was just us. we wanted to go through some of the lessons we've learned in regard to things they tell you ⁓ when you kids. I mean, you're trying to be parents and you're trying to stay connected as husband and wife. kids without. losing yourselves or losing each other. Yeah, I mean You know of the things you don't really know and you don't know nobody ever tells you is ⁓ How you can go from being? soulmates to roommates Yeah, once kids enter The the ⁓ yeah And how much that dynamic just changes in general. think from being, ⁓ couple to being ⁓ a family, adding people to the mix your roles are changing. Your whole is just changing what it was. And it does change dramatically. And not to say that it's all bad. I love being a dad. I don't think it has to change in a bad way. No, it but it doesn't need to for sure. And there's a lot of unknowns that you don't realize. when you're talking, you're first married and you're talking about having a family and all of the things, you know, you see all of these great... you see all these great moments in life, you know, your kids going to school ⁓ and how to ride a bike and... You see all the happy... ⁓ Yeah, don't... And I'd never thought about those moments that you just don't think about, like... You know, having to deal with exploding diapers. Yeah. having to deal with sick kids that are, you know, snot covered. Yeah, because that's one thing that I did not do was boogers and snot. Yeah, I mean, it grosses you out. I couldn't do it. And I am very much the mindset that I cannot do ⁓ and, ⁓ diapers. So ⁓ the first I had to deal with one, it was mortifying. I almost threw up. Dustie was laughing at me via text and I think we might have even been on a video call then. Probably. And I'm trying to do, I'm gagging and doing all the things. I got through it, but it's something that you don't ever think about when you're thinking through being a parent. Yeah. I I think you just kind of have a thought in your mind because you've never been through it. So you just think like, it'll stay the same like me and him and our relationship will just maintain and stay the same. We're just adding to it, and that's our experience anyway has not. That was not it. we still we had a lot of change. Yeah. Once we had kids and, outlier for us too is that we didn't. get any of the planning that most people do as we talked about. came to be parents through adoption and foster. Right. and it wasn't like, we're preparing for all these changes and we're getting the house ready and ⁓ your body's through change. Right. For us, it was literally, one day you are planning to, you know, move downtown and start traveling and do all the things. And the next day you're getting a phone call from the state and they are asking you if you have room to take this little person on, which we, mean, we had already talked about doing foster, but I think it wasn't a reality for us at that moment though. Right. And I think when we talked about doing foster, it was more just something that like we were talking about, right? Um, we didn't. I don't know that we actually had a thought that we would end up being foster parents. we did ⁓ ⁓ was a blessing and that's one of the greatest things that has ever happened to us. But you think about what you a couple, ⁓ you lose lot. And think your sense of self also changes. does. does. ⁓ start to have moments ⁓ where you ⁓ about, I don't know if grief is the right word. Yeah, I mean think you grieve a little bit your what or your old relationship because it does change so much. Yeah and and I mean, maybe that is the word. just, it seems very dark. I think grief and I think, you know, it has very negative connotations for me. And I don't ever want it to seem like being a parent is at all negative. think for us it was, you once we hit roadblocks and stuff through parenting and through our relationship, I think we just missed. ⁓ the old us and that's what helped us navigate back. Yeah. You we missed it. We didn't really grieve it like it ended, but we did, we wanted that back. Well, and it, to your point, it changes the dynamic because now you are navigating life to protect this little person that has come into your life or these little people. So I mean it's gonna shift your perspective on everything. Yeah and your roles just they change. Yeah. know I went from ⁓ being your wife. to now I'm wife and mom and that's a big responsibility. And you went from being husband to being husband and dad and sole provider. And protector and protector. Yeah. There's a list. so it really just It's a new identity comes into ⁓ that you don't ever think about before ⁓ have kids. You ever really talk. I mean, we never talked about it. No, we didn't ever talk about the things that we do now as far as how we're going to navigate the team or the situation or... Well, and the other thing that we never talked and I imagine a lot of people don't talk about before, and maybe some do. ⁓ did not, we were not that proactive, was the parenting styles that you're going to lean into. Because ⁓ when you a parent, there's obviously nothing that can prepare you for it. I'd like to think that having, cause we had fur babies, but it was not the same, not the same at all. Um, and we still have fur babies, but, we have a little bit of a circus at our house. It's a little bit of a zoo, but you don't really have anything to, to prepare you for being a parent. you, you generally lean into. like how you were raised and what parenting style you come from. Yeah. Cause you just don't have, you've not had that experience. So only real experience you have with parenting is how you were parented. Right. So that can lead and did lead to us to clash on some, some and some topics that came up. Yeah. For us particularly, it's I talk about it a lot is I'm not a very emotional guy. I don't, you know, I've gotten better, but I'm still not somebody that is going to be outright open about how I feel or you know, letting my emotions take control of any situation. Like I run very much. I lean into that all right. Right. Which kind of what I was shown. Yeah. You know, growing up. you have a very different upbringing. mean, the other side of that is I was an only child. So there's that dynamic. parents were both also really young. So there's that dynamic. mean, me and my mom basically grew up together. Yeah. So there's a lot of there's a lot ⁓ parenting that I took on and leaned into that does not align with what you were shown. Right. or lean into. Yeah. So that has caused some issues in just how strict I am and how much I tend to expect my girls to kind of control their emotions. Yeah. Because. I mean there's a place for being emotional I feel like. But you still always, in my opinion, you still always need to maintain some form of control. Yeah. You feel differently. Opposite. that I just, I think it's to raising girls versus raising boys. they have a lot more feelings and emotions and things. Not that boys don't, but. It's just a different dynamic when you're raising girls raising boys. And, me, it's very much about their mental health and them being comfortable enough themselves and feeling their emotions ⁓ being okay with feeling that being open it communicating that. But I do also see the benefit in they do need to learn how to control those in certain situations. Right. Well, and I think, you know, on the marriage side, there were instances where like our feelings got hurt because we didn't agree. Yeah. Which that much ⁓ is the point of the conversation, right? Is how do you how do you maintain that? husband and wife connection. Yeah. While you're figuring out parenting. Yeah. Because you can and do, and we experienced it, get to a point where you're basically roommates. Yeah. Because your sole focus is, well, I'm focused on this, ⁓ focused on this, and we're not focused on each other, right? Yeah. And then you add the layer of like... ⁓ my parenting was so opposite of yours. you start to kind of have rifts where it's like... you're wrong and I'm right, you know? Right. And here I am doing all this all day long with the kids to teach them these things and then you come home and totally undo it all. Right. You know, by your parenting style. So there were, a lot of those situations that we ran into. ⁓ Well, I think we've come to learn that it's not necessarily that one right or wrong. I mean, we finally figured out that, I mean, they're just, different. We've had different experiences and that's okay. a lot of the, reconnection that we've worked on and through some of the intention that we work through, we've come to that... differences can be okay, but we've also learned that some of those differences can be compromised together so that we have a better outcome. Yeah, finding, ⁓ know, there's always going to be strengths in your parenting style and strengths in mine. But we have never communicated that until a few years ago. Right. And so we kind of just butting heads, I think, when it came to parenting, which I causes that disconnect your marriage, where you're not staying connected because you are, ⁓ you feel like you're opposite ends of. And well, and it's a lot of that because there's seasons of parenting too, right? There's different, situations that arise and the kids are at different places in time. And so you, you start out with, being newborns and both of you being so exhausted by everything that comes with that. that you don't realize that you're not communicating. Yeah. You're just, you're, there's just too much going on. really easy to just start drifting. And like I said, you get into a silo of this is my responsibility and get into my silo where this is my responsibility. ⁓ And it's status quo. Like we're not even talking about ⁓ everything else coming up. We're just trying to like, we're in survival mode, right? We're just trying to survive those phases, those times. So the downside of that though, is that it can start to build in some resentment. Cause to your point, you're with things a certain way. have a different mentality of it. We're not talking about it. So you are handling a situation and I come home and Well, that's not the way I need it handled or I think it needs to be handled and I handle in a different way. well, now you're like, don't want to say resentful, there is some of that, right? Like there is. Yeah. mean, over time it builds that resentment. think, maybe not the moment, but it's over time it's ⁓ if you're continually butting heads over the same thing or, constantly at each other, ⁓ not at each other, but just parenting style, you know, you're clashing. Over time, that's just gonna create so much resentment between each other. Well, cause at that point, I mean, it's like, I lean into a lot of work, right? So that's my thing is I So I, I attribute it to like when you have supervisors or managers ⁓ are over the same department. Obviously there's a lot of differences in the way they manage and all of those situations. But what you run into, I mean we've run into this even at where I work, is you have a supervisor that comes through and is providing direction in one manner and then you have another one come through. that provides a direction in a completely opposite manner. And now the employee is left feeling like, well, who, like, I'm supposed to listen to both, but what am I supposed to do? You parenting's no different, right? So if you are telling the girls, it's okay for you guys to be emotional. It's okay for you guys to cry. It's okay for guys to have all of this. And I come through and I'm like, No, you need to control your emotions. There's no reason for you to be crying right now There's no reason for you to be acting this way right now, right? like we ran into that issue with my little one because was so confused like well daddy's telling me that I can't cry but mom is telling me Like it's okay to And you're a lot of that is just because you're on like ⁓ partners. You're focused on the situation. Managing way you want to manage. Yeah. And I think it it takes a lot of work and communication to get to the point where you can start utilizing each each other's strengths and become a team instead of... co-managers together. ⁓ venture to guess that's pretty, I mean, I know that in, especially like in team building at work, like that's pretty normal. You're going to situations ⁓ you get a team together and ⁓ it a minute before they normalize and ⁓ figure out. And then there'll be conflict. And then it's like, okay, everybody's on the same page and we're done, which that is team And you're not always going to be on the same page. There's still things about... parenting that we don't agree on. but we just found a way to kind meet in the middle. Well, and there's that. And there's also that we understand that some conflict can be healthy because it does help promote different perspectives and different thoughts. To your point, it allows us to look at the different styles and find a way to okay, well This might not be right. This might not be right But if we do this together, like maybe this is the way we move forward, right? Because we're not perfect parents And I think Everybody tries to be perfect I mean you want to do your best you want to be a good parent but In trying to do that, you find situations like we ran into, right? Where like, we didn't even realize that we weren't talking. Yeah, I mean it took a hard situation for us to really shake us out of that kind of autopilot that we were on. I mean we were basically just keeping everybody alive and we weren't in a relationship for a Yeah, we were roommates for a while, we were both just surviving and doing our roles. Right, which is why I think It's important. that you do intentionally time for protecting ⁓ relationship, not just as parents, but each other. ⁓ our relationship our foundation for everything else that we do. Right. And it's just as important as our kids. So I am thinking through that. mean, there are, there are ways to be intentional. Yeah. Simple little tools, right? The things that you can, you can do every day to not everything needs to be a big grand gesture. Right. can, you don't always have time for those. Right. You're in the throws of parenting. can maintain connection through like small gestures, small things that, that you can do. throughout your day. We talk about ours, right? We shoot off text messages every morning. To be intentional, before we go to bed, we, we cuddle, we, we Sometimes we doom scroll together, but it's generally doom scrolling on the same device so that we're watching the same videos. I mean, it's an intentional, it's an intentional moment. for us to just connect. you should have that throughout your marriage, especially when you're parenting. Yeah, it's so important to just, that's what keeps you going, ⁓ keeps your relationship going those hard times through parenting and those phases. Right, well, and I mean, we did it for a while, right? We intentionally protected time alone. to do date night there times when your mom would come get the girls or your sister and we would just go shopping together, ⁓ grocery shopping, house things. Being able to ⁓ find, ⁓ protect moments needs to also part of that. part of that daily routine and part of that prioritizing the relationship. Yeah, I think that's what it comes down to is, you like we've said before, you have time for what you prioritize. And if you have 20, 30 minutes before you go to sleep to scroll Facebook, you also have 20, 30 minutes to connect with your partner and that could be like we do sometimes like scroll together or the phones away ⁓ just talk for a minute about your day or ⁓ know whatever watching a show together you know those intentional even if they're small because because I just know that there's so many phases in raising kids that you don't have time and you don't have the energy like. Well, and that is also something that you can intentionally do, Which is something that a lot of people probably don't touch on is. It's OK to communicate what you need and lean into my strengths, right? In parenting, I need you to handle this because ⁓ I have the bandwidth. I'm ⁓ tired. whatever. Yeah. Can you deal with this? Because that's also a part of it, right? It's part of being a team is sometimes you need to tag your partner in. Yeah, I think that was hard for me for a long time, especially when the kids were younger because, I'm the stay-at-home mom. That's my job and that's my responsibility. So for me to ask somebody else, even not just you, but like ask my mom or my sister or somebody else to help me. Even if I, ⁓ I needed it, that was really hard for me. to say, I need help. Right. And that's okay too. I mean, you need to, especially with your partner. Yeah. I mean, you should, you should, like I said, communicate without feeling guilty. ⁓ Yeah. I should be to communicate without, you know, feeling like ⁓ I'm blaming you for not doing this. about being honest and open and able to accept that, And working as a team. I mean, you think about at work, the people that you manage. It's okay for them to come to you. Like you have your open door policy where they can come to you and talk through things with you. And I mean, yeah, the best organizations in the world and the best leaders in the world, right, are open to feedback. And it should be no different at home with your partner, with your kids even. Yeah. Because like with my girls, I had to learn. I'm not always right. I'm not like I need to meet them where they're at and they need to be able to express. to me how they feel. Right. Because at the end of the day, It's about creating an environment that they are able to grow and be successful in. Right. Because I want the best for my kids. Yeah. And you want the best for our kids. So it really is about. having those open channels and creating that team environment, which didn't have for a while. we're functioning ⁓ just you and I as a team, but all four of us as a team. Right. You they're on our team. It's not just us and we're the managers and we just direct and tell them what to do every day. Well, because it doesn't happen overnight. Like it happens little by little where you start losing that. time. And have to be able to understand. And that is, I think, the biggest takeaway that I have that I wish I would have known. before we became parents was... I need to be able to understand that we are a team. All of us, all four of us. It's not about me this, like driving my kids to do things, to experience life, to have all of these things that I provide for them. ⁓ Like not going to make them better people. making them better people is creating that environment where they are able to express themselves in a way. Yeah. And you can't do that. I feel like if you and I are on the same page we're not protecting us. Yeah, right. Yeah. Because we are that safe space. Right. And if we're doing that with each other, what are we showing the kids? Yeah. mean, the kids don't need perfect parents. They need Connected parents they need a united front because you know our ⁓ relationship is setting the tone for what they are going to again we talked about it ⁓ the start of the episode right like you're gonna lean into what your parent what your parents showed you yeah and we showing them that we can't communicate or that we don't communicate or I am showing them that they cannot come to me with whatever problem they may have. Right. Or they are coming to you and, know, feeling like they can only come to you. it's always going to be them choosing one parent or the other. Yeah. ⁓ creating a situation where. It's a team. It's and the kids and it's dad and the kids. ⁓ We're not united. We're not, again, a team. we need to be not only on the same page, but we need to be showing them, like we do now, that we're all a team. Mom and dad are a team, separately. And we're all a team together. We show them what it what that means. We don't just tell them. Right. You know, raising kids is hard, just like having a marriage is hard. you have to work at it. Yeah, it's hard work. But also to be able to protect that relationship that you have with each other because that relationship going build on ⁓ the relationship with your Yeah. They are going to emulate that like, hey, know, dad's always there for mom, even when they're having issues or even when they don't agree. Mom's always going to be there with dad because even when he goes through rough times or they're going through rough times, like they work through it and figure it out. you know, and I look at my parents, right. So my parents, my dad and mom were together for 40 some years. And to hear them talk sometimes, like you would not think that they had the best relationship just because my mom was very opinionated. dad is very, mean opinionated, but he's also very like I am, right? He's not gonna show emotion, he's gonna drive all down so their communication styles weren't always compatible. But I still learned from them, even that, ⁓ they made commitment to each other and kept that commitment until my mom passed. And their partnership. It was the same for you, right? Like you see what parents ⁓ and they have ⁓ adapted lived through life and how they Yeah, I mean, they've always navigated ⁓ together. I never from them that they've, ⁓ know, I'm sure they have on a lot of things parenting wise, but, it wasn't really. apparent to me, all I ⁓ see overall is like they were a and they ⁓ tackled together, and we have the same, had the same sort of I think that we're ⁓ trying to give our kids in we're all a team, we're all a I could always, you know my dad, like he's very intelligent. and he's a talker and I could always go to him with things that I, had questions about or wondered about or, so it was a very open dialogue, open door policy, think is what you call it. ⁓ Right, ⁓ right. And very about I don't know that I wouldn't say that I had that experience with my parents where I felt like I could go to them with anything. Although I will say that my dad and my mom, even though, at times I did things that really hurt her, that she had obvious opinions about, but he showed me that he was always going to be there regardless of what, what I did or whatever. And that, and that's the, the biggest. lesson I think that I can share and give advice on, your kids are going to very much emulate. how you parent, the relationships that you keep, how you manage the relationships that you keep. And... You need to understand that as a parent, not necessarily choosing your kids over your partner. No. You're not choosing partner over your kids. ⁓ Yeah. You really choosing the family that you're building together and the dynamics that you're building together. As a whole. As a whole. Yeah, and I think that's where maybe a lot of the issues come in with marriages and relationships is that they don't have that communication and maybe are scared have that with their partner because they do feel like they're choosing their partner over kids. And it's like, nope, ⁓ my kids come my kids always come first. And it's like, but they both need come first. you need to come first, just like the kids come first to me. I don't feel like I need to choose one or the other. it's not, it's not a choice for me. They're both the same. And that's, and that's that's the team aspect of it, right? Is that no one part of the is, ⁓ is greater than the, than sum of the team. Yeah. ⁓ because I mean what you, ⁓ aspire to at least what I aspire to. I mean, I can't speak for you, right? Is I aspire that my kids will look back someday and say, you know, my parents went through a lot. My parents did a lot. My parents, pushed us at times and ⁓ showed a lot. But they are still the people that I could at any point in time come back to and know that that is my home team. Like that is my core ⁓ team. everything that happens outside of that is going to be extension of that team. Yeah. Right. And because we have chosen to stay connected. Yeah. And we've been and been intentional about it. mean, I hope that my kids can see like I mentioned, I to look back at my parents I know my dad loved my mom. I know my mom loved my dad. I don't know that they always liked each other, right? But that was their dynamic. And I'm not saying that that is good, bad, whatever. That's what worked for them. But that works, right? That was their team. That works for them. And I can still look back today and say, like, yeah, I know that they had a team. And I know that... that they were unified in everything that they did. And again, while different situations happen in my life took turn it did or whatever, I still feel like at least in part, our family is an extension of them. but. Ultimately, what I hope for is that my girls feel the same. But I want them to look back and say, ⁓ yeah, my parents were the best of friends and loved each other, right? Yeah, they liked each other. They liked being together. Even though, at this point, they're young still, so they don't truly understand the work that it takes and the ⁓ things we go through, because we don't, we don't. argue or disagree in front of them but I mean the hard topics, the dark moments. We don't share those with our kids, but I feel like overall you want your kids to look back and see the intention and the love. Yeah. mean, even if, and I know that, ⁓ some, don't stay together as a relationship. Yeah. But as parents, should still create that. that team mindset where you guys all have a common goal and that common goal is helping this person succeed over time, which I think that gets lost sometimes with, with, with parents, especially when, situations arise that, know, they don't see eye eye and they end up, parting ways or whatever it may be. But, ⁓ you want to a safe enough space ⁓ and have a safe enough team. I like our team is great. my daughter, my youngest daughter now is at a point where, we, had some rough times and there was a lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way, which is, that's just my life. ⁓ I feel like, but, we're a point now, where feels comfortable enough to let us know, her opinion, if I say something or do something does not align something I said or did beforehand she'll call me on it. she's the first one ⁓ to out if ⁓ I we don't have money. And then we go out to dinner and she's like, hey, I thought didn't have money. ⁓ How much that cost? So, it's about finding ⁓ that synergy and making sure you're intentional. With that, I hope you guys all have a fabulous day and a fabulous week and a blessed week keep sharing your light. You'll that it'll come back. The more you give, the more light there is. Have a good one. See you on the next one.