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🟡 Importance of Being Earnest (Full Audiobook) | Oscar Wilde · Classic Science Fiction Audiobooks: Free Public Domain Sci-Fi Stories

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
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  the public domain. For more information, and to find out
• 0:14
  how you can volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Importance of
• 0:21
  Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde Narration read by Betsy.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Bush Algernon Reading by Gordon McKenzie.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: Part of Lane the Manservant, read by Hugh McGuire John Gonzales.
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: The role is John Worthing.
• 0:41
  Speaker 5: Lady Bracknell, read by Christian McQuillan.
• 0:44
  Speaker 6: Dina Duncan, reading the role of Gwendolyn.
• 0:47
  Speaker 7: Miss Prism, read by Soraka Gorringe.
• 0:51
  Speaker 8: Cecily Cardew, read by Cara Schallenberg.
• 0:55
  Speaker 9: Reverend Canon Chasuble, read by Chris Gorringe.
• 1:00
  Speaker 10: Merriman the butler, read by Peter Yearsley.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: First Act. Scene. Morning room in Algernon's flat in Half
• 1:10
  Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The
• 1:14
  sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.
• 1:18
  Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after
• 1:21
  the music has ceased, Algernon enters.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
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  Speaker 3: I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry for that. For your sake. I don't play accurately.
• 1:37
  Anyone can play accurately. But I play with wonderful expression.
• 1:45
  As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.
• 1:50
  I keep science for life.
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: Yes, sir.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: And speaking of the science of life, have you got
• 1:59
  the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?
• 2:03
  Speaker 6: Yes, sir.
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  Speaker 1: Hands them on a salver, inspects them, takes two, and
• 2:08
  sits down on the sofa.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, by the way, Lane, I see from your book
• 2:15
  that on Thursday night, when Lord Shorman and Mr. Worthing
• 2:18
  were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered
• 2:22
  as having been consumed.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: Yes, sir, eight bottles and a pint.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants
• 2:32
  invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.
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  Speaker 3: I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.
• 2:41
  I have often observed that in married households the champagne
• 2:44
  is rarely of a first-rate brand.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?
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  Speaker 3: I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I've
• 2:57
  had very little experience of it myself, up to the present.
• 3:01
  I've only been married once. That was in consequence of
• 3:05
  a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know that I am much interested in your
• 3:12
  family life, Lane.
• 3:15
  Speaker 6: No, sir.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: It is not a very interesting subject. I never think
• 3:19
  of it myself.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane. Thank you.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: Thank you, sir.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Lane goes out.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the
• 3:36
  lower orders don't set us a good example, what on
• 3:40
  earth is the use of them? They seem as a
• 3:43
  class to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Enter Lane.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Mr. Ernest Worthing.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack. Lane goes out.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up
• 4:01
  to town?
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: Oh, pleasure, pleasure. What else would bring one anywhere? Eating
• 4:08
  as usual, I see, Algy.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: I believe it is customary in good society to take
• 4:15
  some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been
• 4:19
  since last Thursday?
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Sitting down on the sofa.
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: In the country?
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  Speaker 2: What on earth do you do there?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Pulling off his gloves.
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  Speaker 4: When one is in town, one amuses oneself. When one
• 4:34
  is in the country, one amuses other people. It is
• 4:39
  excessively boring.
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  Speaker 2: And who are the people you amuse?
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  Speaker 4: Oh, neighbors, neighbors.
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  Speaker 2: Got nice neighbors in your part of Shropshire?
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  Speaker 4: Hmm, perfectly horrid. Never speak to one of them.
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  Speaker 2: How immensely you must amuse them.
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  Speaker 1: Goes over and takes sandwich.
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  Speaker 2: By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not? Eh?
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  Speaker 4: Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hello. Why all these cups? Why
• 5:17
  cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?
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  Who is coming to tea?
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  Speaker 2: Oh, merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolyn.
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  Speaker 4: How perfectly delightful!
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that is all very well. But I am afraid
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  Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being here.
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  Speaker 4: May I ask why?
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  Speaker 2: My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolyn is
• 5:48
  perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way
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  Gwendolyn flirts with you.
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  Speaker 4: I am in love with Gwendolyn. I have come up
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  to town expressly to propose to her.
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  Speaker 2: I thought you had come up for pleasure. I call
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  that business.
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  Speaker 4: How utterly unromantic you are.
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  Speaker 2: I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is
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  very romantic to be in love. but there is nothing
• 6:20
  romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted.
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  One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over.
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  The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I
• 6:35
  get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
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  Speaker 4: I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The divorce
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  court was specially invented for people whose memories are so
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  curiously constituted.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces
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  are made in heaven.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon
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  at once interferes.
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  Speaker 2: Please, don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially
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  for Aunt Augusta.
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  Speaker 1: Takes one and eats it.
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  Speaker 4: Well, you have been eating them all the time.
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  Speaker 2: That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt.
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  Speaker 1: Takes plate from below.
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  Speaker 2: Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is
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  for Gwendolyn. Gwendolyn is devoted to bread and butter.
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  Speaker 1: Advancing to table and helping himself.
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  Speaker 4: And very good bread and butter.
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  Speaker 2: It is, too. Well, my dear fellow, you need not
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  eat as if you were going to eat it all.
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  You behave as if you were married to her already.
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  You are not married to her already, and I don't
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  think you ever will be.
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  Speaker 4: Why on earth do you say that?
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  Speaker 2: Well, in the first place, girls never marry the men
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  they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.
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  Speaker 4: Oh, that is nonsense.
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  Speaker 2: It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for
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  the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over
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  the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent.
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  Speaker 4: Your consent?
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  Speaker 2: My dear fellow, Gwendolyn is my first cousin, and before
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  I allow you to marry her, you will have to
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  clear up the whole question of Cecily.
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  Speaker 1: Rings bell.
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  Speaker 4: Cecily? What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy,
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  by Cecily? I don't know anyone of the name of Cecily.
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  Speaker 1: Enter Lane.
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  Speaker 2: Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the
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  smoking room the last time he dined here.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, sir.
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  Speaker 1: Lane goes out.
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  Speaker 4: Do you mean to say that you've had my cigarette
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  case here all this time? I wish to goodness you
• 9:02
  would let me know. I've been writing frantic letters to
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  Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a
• 9:09
  very large reward.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to
• 9:13
  be more than usually hard up.
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: There is no good offering a large reward now that
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  the thing is found.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon
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  takes it at once. Lane goes out.
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  Speaker 2: I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I
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  must say.
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  Speaker 1: Opens case and examines it.
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  Speaker 2: However, it makes no matter for now that I look
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  at the inscription inside. I find that the thing isn't
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  yours after all.
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  Speaker 4: Of course it's mine.
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  Speaker 1: Moving to him.
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  Speaker 4: You have seen me with it a hundred times, and
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  you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.
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  It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private
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  cigarette case.
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  Speaker 2: Oh it is absurd to have a hard and fast
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  rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't
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  more than half of modern culture depends on what one
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  shouldn't read i.
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  Speaker 4: Am quite aware of the fact and i don't propose
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  to discuss modern culture It isn't the sort of thing
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  one should talk about in private. I simply want my
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  cigarette case back.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case
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  is a present from someone of the name of Cecily.
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  And you said you didn't know anyone of that name.
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  Speaker 4: Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be
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  my aunt.
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  Speaker 2: Your aunt?
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  Speaker 6: Yes.
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  Speaker 4: Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells.
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  Just give it back to me, LJ.
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  Speaker 1: Retreating to back of sofa.
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  Speaker 2: But why does she call herself Little Cecily, if she
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  is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?
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  Speaker 1: Reading.
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  Speaker 2: From Little Cecily, with her fondest love.
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  Speaker 1: Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.
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  Speaker 4: My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that?
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  Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That
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  is a matter that surely any aunt may be allowed
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  to decide for herself. You seem to think that every
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  aunt should be exactly like your aunt. That is absurd.
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  For heaven's sake, give me back my cigarette case.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Follows Algernon around the room.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, yes. But why does she call you her uncle?
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  From little Cecily, with her fondest love, to her dear
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  Uncle Jack. There is no objection, I admit, to an
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  aunt being a small aunt. But why an aunt, no
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  matter what her size may be, should call her own
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  nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out. Besides, your
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  name isn't Jack at all. It is Ernest.
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  Speaker 4: It isn't Ernest.
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  Speaker 2: It's Jack. You have always told me it was Ernest.
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  I have introduced you to everyone as Ernest. You answer
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  to the name of Ernest. You look as if your
• 12:32
  name was Ernest. You are the most Ernest-looking person I
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  have ever seen in my life. It is perfectly absurd
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  your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards.
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  Here is one of them.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Taking it from case.
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  Speaker 2: Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. for the Albany. I'll keep this
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  as a proof that your name is Ernest, if ever
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  you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolyn,
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  or to anyone else.
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  Speaker 1: What's the card in his pocket?
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in
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  the country, and the cigarette case was given to me
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  in the country.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, but that does not account for the fact that
• 13:15
  your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls
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  you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much
• 13:25
  better have the thing out at once.
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: My dear Elegy, you talk exactly as if you were
• 13:33
  a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a
• 13:35
  dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now go on.
• 13:46
  Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I
• 13:49
  have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist,
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  and I am quite as sure of it now. Bunburyist?
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  Speaker 4: What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?
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  Speaker 2: I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression
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  as soon as you are kind enough to inform me
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  why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.
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  Speaker 4: Well, produce my cigarette case first.
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  Speaker 2: Here it is.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Hans' cigarette case.
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  Speaker 2: Now, produce your explanation, and pray, make it improbable.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Sits on sofa.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: My dear fellow. There is nothing improbable about my explanation
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  at all. In fact, it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew,
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  who adopted me when I was a little boy, made
• 14:44
  me in his will guardian to his granddaughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Cecily,
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  who addresses me as her uncle for motives of respect
• 14:52
  that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place
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  in the country under the charge of her admiral governess,
• 14:59
  Miss Prism.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Where is that place in the country, by the way?
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not
• 15:09
  going to be invited. I may tell you, candidly, that
• 15:14
  the place is not in Shropshire.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: I suspected that, my dear fellow. I have been buried
• 15:23
  all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on.
• 15:29
  Why are you earnest in town and jack in the country?
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: Oh, my dear Algy, I don't know whether you will
• 15:39
  be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly
• 15:44
  serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian,
• 15:49
  one has to adopt a very high moral tone on
• 15:53
  all subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as
• 15:56
  a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce
• 16:01
  very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in
• 16:04
  order to get up to town, I have always pretended
• 16:07
  to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest,
• 16:10
  who lives in the Albany and gets into the most
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  dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth,
• 16:19
  pure and simple.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life
• 16:27
  would be very tedious if it were either, and modern
• 16:30
  literature a complete impossibility.
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: That wouldn't at all be a bad thing.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't
• 16:42
  try it. You should leave that to people who haven't
• 16:44
  been at university. They do it so well in the
• 16:48
  daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I
• 16:52
  was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You
• 16:56
  are one of the most advanced Bunburyists that I know.
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  Speaker 4: What on earth do you mean?
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  Speaker 2: You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest,
• 17:09
  in order that you may be able to come to
• 17:11
  town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable,
• 17:17
  permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be
• 17:22
  able to go down into the country whenever I choose.
• 17:25
  Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary
• 17:34
  bad health, for instance— I wouldn't be able to dine
• 17:38
  with you at Willis's tonight, for I have been engaged
• 17:42
  to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere tonight.
• 17:50
  I know.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is
• 17:57
  very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as
• 18:02
  not receiving invitations.
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.
• 18:14
  To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once
• 18:18
  a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.
• 18:24
  In the second place, whenever I do dine there, I
• 18:27
  am always treated as a member of the family, and
• 18:30
  sent down with either no woman at all, or two women.
• 18:35
  In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she
• 18:39
  will place me next to tonight. She will place me next,
• 18:43
  Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across
• 18:48
  the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is
• 18:55
  not even decent. And that sort of thing is enormously
• 18:59
  on the increase. The amount of women.
• 19:03
  Speaker 11: In London— who flirt with their own husbands, is perfectly scandalous.
• 19:11
  It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean
• 19:16
  linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to
• 19:21
  be a confirmed Bunburyist, I naturally want to talk to
• 19:24
  you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules.
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolyn accepts me,
• 19:33
  I am going to kill my brother. Indeed, I think
• 19:36
  I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little
• 19:40
  too much interested in him. It is rather a bore.
• 19:44
  So I'm going to get rid of Ernest, and I
• 19:45
  strongly advise you to do the same with Mr.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: B.
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if
• 19:59
  you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic,
• 20:04
  you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man
• 20:08
  who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time
• 20:13
  of it.
• 20:14
  Speaker 4: That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolyn,
• 20:20
  and she is the only girl I ever in my
• 20:23
  life that I would marry, I certainly wouldn't want to
• 20:26
  know Bunbury.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Then your wife will. You don't seem to realize— that
• 20:33
  in married life three is company and two is none.
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the
• 20:44
  corrupt French drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: Years, and the happy English home has proved in half
• 20:54
  the time.
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: Oh, for heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's
• 21:01
  perfectly easy to be cynical.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays.
• 21:09
  There's such a lot of beastly competition about. Ah, that
• 21:16
  must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives or creditors ever ring
• 21:21
  in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out
• 21:25
  of the way for ten minutes, so that you can
• 21:28
  have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolyn, may I dine
• 21:32
  with you tonight at Willis's?
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: Oh, I suppose, if you want to.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate
• 21:41
  people who are not serious about meals. It is so
• 21:46
  shallow of them.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: Enter Lane.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolyn.
• 21:58
  Speaker 5: Good afternoon, dear Algernon. I hope you're behaving very well.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
• 22:05
  Speaker 5: That's not quite the same thing. In fact, the two
• 22:08
  things rarely go together.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness. To Gwendolyn.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: Dear me, you are smart.
• 22:19
  Speaker 6: I am always smart. Am I not, Mr.
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: Worthing? You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
• 22:27
  Speaker 6: Oh, I hope I am not that. It would leave
• 22:30
  no room for developments, and I intend to develop in
• 22:34
  many directions.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn and Jack sit down together in the corner.
• 22:40
  Speaker 5: I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but
• 22:42
  I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I
• 22:45
  hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never
• 22:48
  saw a woman so altered. She looks quite twenty years younger.
• 22:53
  And now I'll have a cup of tea and one
• 22:55
  of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Certainly, Aunt Augusta.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Goes over to tea table.
• 23:03
  Speaker 7: Won't you come and.
• 23:04
  Speaker 5: Sit here, Gwendolyn?
• 23:06
  Speaker 6: Thanks, Mama. I'm quite comfortable where I am.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: Picking up empty plate in horror.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: Good heavens!
• 23:15
  Speaker 12: Vain!
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: I went down twice. No cucumbers?
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: No, sir. Not even for ready money.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: That will do, Lane. Thank you. Thank you, sir.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Goes out.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers.
• 23:50
  Not even for ready money.
• 23:52
  Speaker 5: It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets
• 23:55
  with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living
• 23:58
  entirely for pleasure now.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
• 24:05
  Speaker 5: It certainly has changed its colour, from what cause I,
• 24:08
  of course, cannot say.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Algernon crosses and hands tea.
• 24:13
  Speaker 5: Thank you. I've quite a treat for you tonight, Algernon.
• 24:17
  I'm going to send you down with Mary Farkar. She's
• 24:20
  such a nice woman and so attentive to her husband.
• 24:22
  It's delightful to watch them.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give
• 24:29
  up the pleasure of dining with you tonight after all.
• 24:33
  Speaker 5: I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out.
• 24:37
  Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately, he's accustomed
• 24:41
  to that.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: It is a great bore. And I need hardly say
• 24:46
  a terrible disappointment to me. But the fact is, I
• 24:52
  have just had a telegram to say that my poor
• 24:56
  friend Bunbury is very ill again.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Exchange his glances with Jack.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: They seem to think I should be with him.
• 25:06
  Speaker 5: It is very strange.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: This Mr.
• 25:09
  Speaker 5: Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: Yes, poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: Well, I must say, Algernon, I think it's high time
• 25:23
  that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was
• 25:25
  going to live or to die. The shilly-shallying with the
• 25:28
  question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve
• 25:31
  of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid.
• 25:36
  Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be
• 25:38
  encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life.
• 25:42
  I'm always telling that to your poor uncle, but he
• 25:43
  never seems to take much notice, as far as any
• 25:46
  improvement in his ailment goes. I should be much obliged,
• 25:50
  if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be
• 25:52
  kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for
• 25:55
  I rely on you to arrange my music for me.
• 25:58
  It is my last reception, and one wants something that
• 26:01
  will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season,
• 26:04
  when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say, which,
• 26:08
  in most cases, was probably not much.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious.
• 26:17
  And I think I can promise you he'll be all
• 26:19
  right by Saturday. Of course, the music is a great difficulty.
• 26:26
  You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen,
• 26:29
  and if one plays bad music, people don't talk. But
• 26:33
  I'll run over the program I've drawn out, if you
• 26:36
  will kindly come into the next room for a moment.
• 26:40
  Speaker 5: Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Rising and following Algernon.
• 26:46
  Speaker 5: I'm sure the program will be delightful, after a few expurgations.
• 26:50
  French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to
• 26:54
  think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which
• 26:57
  is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds
• 27:00
  a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed I believe is so. Gwendolyn,
• 27:04
  you will accompany me.
• 27:06
  Speaker 6: Certainly, mamma.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music room. Gwendolyn
• 27:12
  remains behind.
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.
• 27:17
  Speaker 6: Pray don't tell me about the weather, Mr.
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: Worthing.
• 27:20
  Speaker 6: Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always
• 27:23
  feel quite certain that they mean something else, and that
• 27:26
  makes me so nervous.
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: I do mean something else.
• 27:32
  Speaker 6: I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: And I would like to be allowed to take advantage
• 27:40
  of Lady Bracknell's temporary absence.
• 27:44
  Speaker 6: I would certainly advise you to do so. Mama has
• 27:47
  a way of coming back suddenly into her room that
• 27:49
  I have often had to speak to her about.
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you, I have admired
• 27:55
  you more than any girl I have ever met since
• 28:01
  I met you.
• 28:04
  Speaker 6: Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact... and
• 28:07
  I often wish that in public, at any rate, you
• 28:09
  had been more demonstrative. For me, you have always had
• 28:13
  an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you, I was
• 28:18
  far from indifferent to you.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Jack looks at her in amazement.
• 28:22
  Speaker 6: We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in
• 28:26
  an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in
• 28:29
  the more expensive monthly magazines. and has reached the provincial pulpits,
• 28:33
  I am told. And my ideal has always been to
• 28:37
  love someone of the name of Ernest. There is something
• 28:41
  in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon
• 28:46
  first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest,
• 28:50
  I knew I was destined to love you.
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: You really love me, Gwendolyn? Passionately. Darling... You don't know
• 29:01
  how happy you've made me.
• 29:03
  Speaker 6: My own Ernest.
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: You really don't mean to say that you couldn't love
• 29:09
  me if my name wasn't Ernest?
• 29:12
  Speaker 6: But your name is Ernest.
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I know it is. But supposing it was
• 29:20
  something else? Did you mean to say that you couldn't
• 29:23
  love me then?
• 29:25
  Speaker 6: Ah, that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and, like most
• 29:29
  metaphysical speculations, has very little reference at all to the
• 29:33
  actual facts of real life as we know them.
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care
• 29:41
  about the name of Ernest I don't think it suits
• 29:44
  me at all.
• 29:45
  Speaker 6: It suits you perfectly it is a divine name it
• 29:49
  has a music of its own it produces vibrations.
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: Well really Gwendolyn I must say that I think there
• 29:59
  are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack,
• 30:02
  for instance, a charming name.
• 30:05
  Speaker 6: Jack? No, there's very little music in the name Jack,
• 30:10
  if any at all. Indeed, it does not thrill. It
• 30:13
  produces absolutely no vibrations. I have known several Jacks, and
• 30:18
  they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides,
• 30:22
  Jack is a notorious domesticity for John, and I pity
• 30:26
  any woman who is married to a man called John.
• 30:29
  She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing
• 30:32
  pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only safe name
• 30:37
  is Ernest.
• 30:39
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn, I must get christened at once. I mean, we
• 30:44
  must get married at once. There's no time to be lost.
• 30:49
  Speaker 6: Married, Mr.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: Worthing?
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: Well, surely. You know that I love you, and you
• 30:55
  led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not
• 30:58
  absolutely indifferent to me.
• 30:59
  Speaker 6: I adore you, but you haven't proposed to me yet.
• 31:05
  Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject
• 31:08
  has not even been touched on.
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well, may I propose to you now?
• 31:13
  Speaker 6: I think it would be an admirable opportunity, and to
• 31:16
  spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it
• 31:20
  only fair to tell you quite frankly beforehand that I
• 31:24
  am fully determined to accept you.
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn!
• 31:28
  Speaker 6: Yes, Mr.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Worthing?
• 31:30
  Speaker 6: What have you got to say to me?
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: You know what I've got to say to you.
• 31:36
  Speaker 6: Yes, but you don't say it.
• 31:39
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn, will you marry me?
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Goes on his knees.
• 31:46
  Speaker 6: Of course I will, darling. How long you have been
• 31:49
  about it. I am afraid you have had very little
• 31:52
  experience in how to propose.
• 31:55
  Speaker 4: My own one. I have never loved anyone in the
• 31:57
  world but you.
• 31:59
  Speaker 6: Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my
• 32:03
  brother Gerald does. All my girlfriends tell me so. What
• 32:06
  wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest. They are quite, quite blue.
• 32:10
  I hope you will always look at me just like that.
• 32:14
  especially when there are other people present.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Enter Lady Bracknell.
• 32:20
  Speaker 5: Mr. Worthing, rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It's most indecorous.
• 32:27
  Speaker 6: Mama!
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: He tries to rise. She restrains him.
• 32:31
  Speaker 6: I must beg you to retire. This is no place
• 32:34
  for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.
• 32:38
  Speaker 5: Finished what, may I ask?
• 32:41
  Speaker 6: I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, Mama.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: They rise together.
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you
• 32:49
  do become engaged to someone, I or your father, should
• 32:53
  his health permit him, will inform you of the fact.
• 32:56
  An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise,
• 32:58
  pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It's hardly
• 33:01
  a matter that she should be allowed to arrange for herself.
• 33:05
  And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.
• 33:08
  While I'm making these inquiries, you, Gwendolyn, will wait for
• 33:11
  me below in the carriage.
• 33:13
  Speaker 6: Mama!
• 33:14
  Speaker 5: In the carriage, Gwendolyn.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses
• 33:20
  to each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Lady Bracknell looks
• 33:24
  vaguely about as if she could not understand what the
• 33:26
  noise was. Finally turns around.
• 33:30
  Speaker 5: Gwendolyn, the carriage!
• 33:32
  Speaker 6: Yes, Mama.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Goes out, looking back at Jack. Sitting down.
• 33:39
  Speaker 5: You can take a seat, Mr.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: Worthing.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Looks in her pocket for notebook and pencil.
• 33:44
  Speaker 4: Thank you, Lady Bracknell. I prefer standing.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: Pencil and notebook in hand.
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: I feel bound to tell you that you are not
• 33:52
  down on my list of eligible young men, although I
• 33:55
  have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has.
• 33:58
  We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready
• 34:01
  to enter your name, should your answers be what a
• 34:03
  really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: Well, yes.
• 34:09
  Speaker 4: I must admit, I smoke.
• 34:11
  Speaker 5: I am glad to hear it. A man should always
• 34:13
  have an occupation of some kind. There are far too
• 34:15
  many idle men in London as it is. How old
• 34:19
  are you?
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: Twenty-nine.
• 34:22
  Speaker 5: A very good age to be married at. I have
• 34:25
  always been of the opinion that a man who desires
• 34:27
  to get married should either know everything or nothing. Which
• 34:31
  do you know?
• 34:31
  Speaker 4: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
• 34:38
  Speaker 5: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve
• 34:40
  of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like
• 34:44
  a delicate exotic fruit. Touch it and the bloom is gone.
• 34:47
  The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately,
• 34:52
  in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.
• 34:57
  If it did, it would provide a serious danger to
• 34:59
  the upper classes and probably lead to acts of violence
• 35:02
  in Grosvenor Square. What is your income?
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: Between seven and eight thousand a year.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: Makes a note in her book.
• 35:11
  Speaker 5: In land or in investments?
• 35:14
  Speaker 4: In investments, chiefly.
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: That is satisfactory. What, between the duties expected of one
• 35:20
  during one's lifetime and the duties extracted from one after
• 35:23
  one's death, land has ceased to be either a profit
• 35:26
  or a pleasure. It gives one position and prevents one
• 35:29
  from keeping it up. That's all that can be said
• 35:31
  about land.
• 35:33
  Speaker 4: I have a country house, with some land, of course,
• 35:36
  attached to it, about 1,500 acres, I believe. But I
• 35:41
  don't depend on that for my real income. In fact,
• 35:44
  as far as I can make out, the poachers are
• 35:47
  the only people who make anything of it.
• 35:50
  Speaker 5: A country house? How many bedrooms? Well, that point can
• 35:53
  be cleared up afterwards. You have a townhouse, I hope.
• 35:57
  A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature like Gwendolyn could
• 36:00
  hardly be expected to reside in the country.
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it
• 36:06
  is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course,
• 36:09
  I can get it back whenever I like at six
• 36:11
  months' notice.
• 36:13
  Speaker 5: Lady Bloxham? I don't know her.
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady
• 36:20
  considerably advanced in years.
• 36:24
  Speaker 5: Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character.
• 36:28
  What number in Belgrave Square?
• 36:30
  Speaker 4: One forty-nine.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: Shaking her head.
• 36:34
  Speaker 5: The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that
• 36:38
  could be easily altered.
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: Do you mean the fashion or the side?
• 36:43
  Speaker 5: Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics?
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: Well, I'm afraid I really have none. I am a
• 36:51
  liberal unionist.
• 36:53
  Speaker 5: Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or
• 36:55
  come in the evening, at any rate. Now, to minor matters.
• 36:59
  Are your parents living?
• 37:01
  Speaker 4: I have lost both my parents.
• 37:05
  Speaker 5: To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as
• 37:07
  a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness. Who was
• 37:11
  your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth.
• 37:14
  Was he born in what the radical papers call the
• 37:17
  purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks
• 37:20
  of the aristocracy?
• 37:22
  Speaker 4: I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is,
• 37:25
  Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents— It
• 37:29
  would be near the truth to say that my parents
• 37:32
  seem to have lost me. I don't actually know who
• 37:36
  I am by birth.
• 37:38
  Speaker 6: I was....
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: Well, I was found.
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: Found?
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a
• 37:48
  very charitable and kindly disposition, found me and gave me
• 37:53
  the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a
• 37:56
  first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.
• 37:59
  Worthing is a place in Sussex. It's a seaside resort.
• 38:04
  Speaker 5: Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket
• 38:07
  for this seaside resort find you?
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: In a handbag.
• 38:12
  Speaker 5: A handbag?
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag. A somewhat large,
• 38:22
  black leather handbag with handles. To it, an ordinary... Handbag,
• 38:30
  in fact.
• 38:32
  Speaker 5: In what locality did this Mr. James or Thomas Cardew
• 38:36
  come across this ordinary handbag?
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: In the cloakroom at Victoria Station. It was given to
• 38:44
  him in mistake for his own.
• 38:47
  Speaker 5: The cloakroom at Victoria Station?
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: Yes. The Brighton line?
• 38:54
  Speaker 5: The line is immaterial.
• 38:56
  Speaker 8: Mr.
• 38:56
  Speaker 5: Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you've
• 38:59
  just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred,
• 39:03
  in a handbag, whether it has handles or not, seems
• 39:07
  to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies
• 39:10
  of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses
• 39:13
  of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what
• 39:16
  that unfortunate movement led to. As for the particular locality
• 39:20
  in which the handbag was found, a cloakroom at a
• 39:23
  railway station in might serve to conceal a social indiscretion,
• 39:27
  has probably indeed been used for that purpose before. but
• 39:30
  it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for
• 39:33
  a recognized position in good society.
• 39:36
  Speaker 4: May I ask you, then, what you would advise me
• 39:39
  to do? I need hardly say I would do anything
• 39:42
  in the world to ensure Gwendolyn's happiness.
• 39:46
  Speaker 5: I would strongly advise you, Mr.
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: Worthing.
• 39:49
  Speaker 5: To try and acquire some relations as soon as possible,
• 39:52
  and to make a definite effort to produce at any
• 39:54
  rate one parent of either sex before the season is
• 39:57
  quite over.
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to
• 40:01
  do that. I can produce the handbag at any moment.
• 40:05
  It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think
• 40:08
  that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: Me, sir?
• 40:11
  Speaker 5: What has it to do with me? You can hardly
• 40:14
  imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing
• 40:17
  our only daughter, a girl brought up with the utmost care,
• 40:21
  to marry into a cloakroom and form an alliance with
• 40:24
  a parcel? Good morning, Mr.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: Worthing.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.
• 40:32
  Speaker 4: Good morning.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the wedding march.
• 40:37
  Jack looks perfectly furious and goes to the door.
• 40:41
  Speaker 4: Oh, for goodness sake, don't play that ghastly tune, Algy.
• 40:44
  How idiotic you are.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: The music stops and Algernon enters cheerily.
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: Didn't it go awful right, old boy? You don't mean
• 40:54
  to say Gwendolyn refused you? I know it is a
• 40:58
  way she has. She is always refusing people. I think
• 41:03
  it is most ill-natured of her.
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: Oh, Gwendolyn is as right as a trivet. As far
• 41:10
  as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is
• 41:14
  perfectly unbearable. Never met such a gorgon. I don't really
• 41:20
  know what a gorgon is like, but I'm quite sure
• 41:22
  that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is
• 41:25
  a monster without being a myth, which is rather unfair.
• 41:30
  I beg your pardon, Algy. I suppose I shouldn't talk
• 41:36
  about your own aunt in that way before you.
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It
• 41:44
  is the only thing that makes me put up with
• 41:46
  them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of
• 41:51
  people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live,
• 41:54
  nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
• 41:57
  Speaker 4: Oh, that is nonsense.
• 42:02
  Speaker 12: It isn't.
• 42:04
  Speaker 4: Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want
• 42:07
  to argue about things.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: That is exactly what things were originally made for.
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: Upon my word, if I thought that, I'd shoot myself.
• 42:20
  You don't think there's any chance of Gwendolyn becoming like
• 42:24
  her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algier?
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
• 42:36
  No man does. That's his tragedy.
• 42:40
  Speaker 4: Is that clever?
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: It is perfectly phrased, and quite as true as any
• 42:46
  observation in civilized life should be.
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays.
• 42:55
  You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing
• 42:59
  has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness
• 43:04
  we had a few fools left.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: We have.
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: I should extremely like to meet them. What do they
• 43:11
  talk about?
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: The fools. Oh, about the clever people, of course.
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: Oh, what fools.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: By the way, did you tell Gwendolyn the truth about
• 43:24
  your being earnest in town and jack in the country?
• 43:28
  Speaker 4: My dear fellow, the truth isn't quite the sort of
• 43:32
  thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What
• 43:36
  extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to
• 43:40
  a woman.
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: The only way to behave to a woman is to
• 43:44
  make love to her, if she is pretty, and to
• 43:48
  someone else, if she is plain.
• 43:51
  Speaker 4: Oh, that is nonsense.
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: What about your brother? What about Profligate Ernest?
• 44:00
  Speaker 4: Oh, before the end of the week I shall have
• 44:02
  got rid of him. I'll say.
• 44:05
  He died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die
• 44:10
  of apoplexy quite suddenly, don't they?
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort
• 44:17
  of thing that runs in families. You had much better
• 44:20
  say a severe chill.
• 44:22
  Speaker 4: You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything
• 44:26
  of the kind?
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: Of course it isn't.
• 44:29
  Speaker 4: Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest, to be carried
• 44:34
  off suddenly... in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets
• 44:42
  rid of him.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: But I thought you said that Miss Cardew was a
• 44:47
  little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest. Won't
• 44:51
  she feel his loss a good deal?
• 44:53
  Speaker 4: Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly
• 44:58
  romantic girl, I am glad to say. She's got a
• 45:02
  capital appetite. goes long walks, and pays no attention at
• 45:05
  all to her lessons.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: I would rather like to see Cecily.
• 45:10
  Speaker 4: I will take very good care you never do. She
• 45:14
  is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: Have you told Gwendolyn yet that you have an excessively
• 45:22
  pretty ward who is only just eighteen?
• 45:27
  Speaker 4: One doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and
• 45:31
  Gwendolyn are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I'll
• 45:36
  bet you anything you like that half an hour after
• 45:39
  they've met, they will be calling each other sister.
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: Women only do that when they have called each other
• 45:45
  a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy,
• 45:50
  if we want to get a good table at Willis's,
• 45:52
  we really must go and dress. Do you know that
• 45:56
  it is nearly seven? No.
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: It's always nearly seven.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm hungry.
• 46:05
  Speaker 4: I never knew you when you weren't.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre?
• 46:13
  Speaker 4: Oh, no, I loathe listening.
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: Well, let's go to the club.
• 46:19
  Speaker 4: Oh, no, I hate talking.
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten.
• 46:27
  Speaker 4: Oh, no. I can't bear looking at things. It is
• 46:30
  so silly.
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: Well, what shall we do?
• 46:35
  Speaker 4: Nothing.
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't
• 46:41
  mind hard work when there is no definite object of
• 46:44
  any kind.
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: Enter Lane.
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: Miss Fairfax.
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: Enter Gwendolyn. Lane goes out.
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: Gwendolyn! Upon my word!
• 46:56
  Speaker 6: Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular
• 47:00
  to say to Mr. Worthing.
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: Really, Gwendolyn, I don't think I can allow this at all.
• 47:08
  Speaker 6: Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.
• 47:12
  You're not quite old enough to do that.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: Algernon retires to the fireplace.
• 47:17
  Speaker 4: My own darling.
• 47:20
  Speaker 6: Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on
• 47:24
  Mama's face... I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays
• 47:28
  pay any regard to what their children say to them.
• 47:31
  The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.
• 47:35
  Whatever influence I ever had over Mama, I lost at
• 47:39
  the age of three. But although she may prevent us
• 47:42
  from becoming man and wife, and I may marry someone
• 47:46
  else and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do
• 47:49
  can alter my eternal devotion to you.
• 47:53
  Speaker 4: Dear Gwendolyn....
• 47:56
  Speaker 6: The story of your romantic origin as related to me
• 47:59
  by Mama, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper
• 48:03
  fibers of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.
• 48:09
  The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.
• 48:15
  Your town address at the Albany I have. What is
• 48:18
  your address in the country?
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: The Manor House, Walton, Hertfordshire.
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself and
• 48:29
  writes the address on his shirt cuff, then picks up
• 48:33
  the railway guide.
• 48:34
  Speaker 6: There is a good postal service, I suppose. It may
• 48:38
  be necessary to do something desperate. That, of course, will
• 48:41
  require serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily.
• 48:46
  Speaker 4: My own one.
• 48:48
  Speaker 6: How long do you remain in town?
• 48:50
  Speaker 4: Till Monday.
• 48:52
  Speaker 12: Good.
• 48:53
  Speaker 6: Algy, you may turn around now.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: The thanks I have turned round already.
• 48:59
  Speaker 6: You may also ring the bell.
• 49:02
  Speaker 4: You will let me see you to your carriage, my
• 49:04
  own darling?
• 49:06
  Speaker 6: Certainly.
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: To Lane, who now enters.
• 49:10
  Speaker 4: I will see Miss Fairfax out.
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: Yes, sir.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: Jack and Gwendolyn go off. Lane presents several letters on
• 49:19
  a salver to Alger. It is to be surmised that
• 49:21
  they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at the envelopes,
• 49:25
  tears them up.
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: A glass of sherry, Lane?
• 49:27
  Speaker 10: Yes, sir.
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: Tomorrow, Lane, I'm going bunbering.
• 49:34
  Speaker 8: Yes, sir.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can
• 49:39
  put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all
• 49:42
  the Bunbury suits.
• 49:44
  Speaker 3: Yes, sir.
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: Handing Sherry.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: I hope tomorrow will be a fine day, Lane.
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: It never is, sir.
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.
• 49:56
  Speaker 3: I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack. Lane goes off.
• 50:01
  Speaker 4: There's a sensible intellectual girl. The only girl I ever
• 50:06
  cared for in my life.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: Algernon is laughing immoderately.
• 50:12
  Speaker 4: What on earth are you so amused at?
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.
• 50:19
  Speaker 4: If you don't care, your friend Bunbury will get you
• 50:23
  into a very serious scrape one day.
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: I love scrapes. They are the only things that are
• 50:30
  never serious.
• 50:32
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense.
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: Nobody ever does.
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: Jack looks indignantly at him and leaves the room. Algernon
• 50:46
  lights a cigarette, reads his shirt cuff, and smiles. A
• 51:10
  flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house,
• 51:13
  the garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, July.
• 51:19
  Basket chairs and a table covered with books are set
• 51:23
  under a large yew tree. Miss Prism discovered a seated
• 51:26
  at the table. Cecily is at the back watering flowers.
• 51:32
  Speaker 5: Cecily!
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: Cecily!
• 51:35
  Speaker 7: Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers
• 51:39
  is rather molten's duty than yours especially at a moment
• 51:43
  when intellectual pleasures await you your german grammar is on
• 51:47
  the table pray open it at page fifteen we will
• 51:51
  repeat yesterday's lesson.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: Coming over very slowly.
• 51:56
  Speaker 8: But i don't like german it isn't at all a
• 51:59
  becoming language i know perfectly well that i look quite
• 52:02
  plain after my german lesson.
• 52:04
  Speaker 7: Child You know how anxious your guardian is that you
• 52:07
  should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress
• 52:12
  on your German as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed,
• 52:15
  he always lays stress on your German when he's leaving
• 52:18
  for town.
• 52:19
  Speaker 8: Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious. Sometimes he is
• 52:23
  so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: Drawing herself up.
• 52:28
  Speaker 7: Your guardian enjoys the best of health and his gravity
• 52:31
  of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so
• 52:33
  comparatively young as he is. I know no one who
• 52:36
  has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.
• 52:39
  Speaker 8: I suppose that is why he often looks a little
• 52:42
  bored when we three are together.
• 52:44
  Speaker 7: Cicely, I am surprised at you.
• 52:47
  Speaker 5: Mr.
• 52:47
  Speaker 7: Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and
• 52:51
  triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You
• 52:54
  must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man,
• 52:58
  his brother.
• 52:59
  Speaker 8: I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man,
• 53:03
  his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have
• 53:06
  a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure
• 53:09
  you certainly would. You know German, and geology, and things
• 53:13
  of that kind influence a man very much.
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: Cecily begins to write in her diary.
• 53:19
  Speaker 7: Shaking her head, I do not think that even I
• 53:22
  could produce any effect on a character that, according to
• 53:24
  his own brother's admission, is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed,
• 53:30
  I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him.
• 53:33
  i'm not in favour of this modern mania for turning
• 53:35
  bad people into good people at a moment's notice as
• 53:39
  a man sows so let him reap you must put
• 53:42
  away your diary cicely i really don't see why you
• 53:45
  should keep a diary.
• 53:45
  Speaker 8: At all i keep a diary in order to enter
• 53:48
  the wonderful secrets of my life if i didn't write
• 53:51
  them down i should probably forget all about them.
• 53:54
  Speaker 7: Memory my dear cicely is the diary that we all
• 53:57
  carry about with.
• 53:58
  Speaker 8: Us Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have
• 54:02
  never happened and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that
• 54:06
  memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that
• 54:10
  Mutie sends us.
• 54:11
  Speaker 7: Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novels, Cicely. I
• 54:15
  wrote one myself in earlier days.
• 54:18
  Speaker 8: Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are!
• 54:22
  I hope it did not end happily. I don't like
• 54:24
  novels that end happily. They depress me so much.
• 54:28
  Speaker 7: The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is
• 54:31
  what fiction means.
• 54:33
  Speaker 8: I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was
• 54:38
  your novel ever published?
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: Alas, no.
• 54:41
  Speaker 7: The manuscript, unfortunately, was abandoned.
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: Cecily starts.
• 54:45
  Speaker 7: I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid.
• 54:49
  To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: Smiling.
• 54:54
  Speaker 8: But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: RISING AND ADVANCING Dr.
• 55:01
  Speaker 7: Chasuble, this is indeed a pleasure.
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: Enter Canon Chasuble.
• 55:06
  Speaker 9: And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are,
• 55:09
  I trust, well?
• 55:11
  Speaker 8: Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache.
• 55:15
  I think it would do her so much good to
• 55:16
  have a short stroll with you in the park, Dr.
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: Chasuble.
• 55:20
  Speaker 7: Cicely, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.
• 55:24
  Speaker 8: No, dear Miss Prism, I know that. but I felt
• 55:27
  instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed, I was thinking
• 55:31
  about that, and not about my German lesson, when the
• 55:34
  rector came in.
• 55:36
  Speaker 9: I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.
• 55:39
  Speaker 8: Oh, I am afraid I am.
• 55:41
  Speaker 9: That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss
• 55:45
  Prism's pupil, I would hang upon her lips.
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: Miss Prism glares.
• 55:50
  Speaker 9: I spoke metaphorically. My metaphor was drawn from bees.
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 55:56
  Speaker 9: Worthing I suppose, has not returned from town yet?
• 56:00
  Speaker 7: We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.
• 56:03
  Speaker 9: Ah, yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London.
• 56:07
  He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as,
• 56:11
  by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems
• 56:14
  to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her
• 56:18
  pupil any longer.
• 56:19
  Speaker 8: Egeria?
• 56:23
  Speaker 7: My name is Letitia, Doctor.
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: Bowing.
• 56:27
  Speaker 9: A classical illusion, merely, drawn from the pagan authors. I
• 56:31
  shall see you both, no doubt, at Evensong.
• 56:35
  Speaker 7: I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you.
• 56:37
  I find I have a headache, after all, and a
• 56:40
  walk might do it good.
• 56:42
  Speaker 9: With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as
• 56:45
  far as the schools and back.
• 56:48
  Speaker 7: That would be delightful. Cicely, you will read your Political
• 56:52
  Economy in my absence, the chapter on the fall of
• 56:55
  the rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational.
• 56:59
  Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: Goes down the garden with Dr. Chaussebel. Picks up books
• 57:07
  and throws them back on table.
• 57:09
  Speaker 8: Horrid political economy. Horrid geography. Horrid, horrid German.
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman with a card on his salver.
• 57:20
  Speaker 10: Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station.
• 57:25
  He has brought his luggage with him.
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: Takes the card and reads it.
• 57:30
  Speaker 8: Mr. Ernest Worthing, B4, the Albany, W. Uncle Jack's brother.
• 57:38
  Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?
• 57:40
  Speaker 10: Yes, miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that
• 57:46
  you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said
• 57:48
  he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.
• 57:52
  Speaker 5: Ask Mr.
• 57:52
  Speaker 8: Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better
• 57:56
  talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.
• 57:59
  Speaker 10: Yes, miss.
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: Merriman goes off.
• 58:02
  Speaker 8: I have never met any really wicked person before. I
• 58:05
  feel rather frightened. I'm so afraid he will look just
• 58:08
  like everyone else.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: Enter Algernon, very gay and debonair.
• 58:12
  Speaker 8: He does.
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: Rizzing his hat.
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure.
• 58:19
  Speaker 8: You are under some strange mistake. I am not little.
• 58:23
  In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall
• 58:26
  for my age.
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: Algernon is rather taken aback.
• 58:30
  Speaker 8: But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from
• 58:33
  your card, are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my
• 58:37
  wicked cousin Ernest.
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You
• 58:44
  mustn't think that I am wicked.
• 58:47
  Speaker 8: If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving
• 58:49
  us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you
• 58:52
  have not been leading a double life, pretending to be
• 58:55
  wicked and being really good all the time. That would
• 58:59
  be hypocrisy.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: Looks at her in amazement.
• 59:03
  Speaker 2: Oh, of course I have been rather reckless.
• 59:08
  Speaker 8: I am glad to hear it.
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been
• 59:13
  very bad in my own small way.
• 59:17
  Speaker 8: I don't think you should be so proud of that,
• 59:20
  though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: It is much pleasanter being here with you.
• 59:26
  Speaker 8: I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle
• 59:29
  Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon.
• 59:32
  Speaker 2: That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go
• 59:36
  up by the first train on Monday morning. I have
• 59:38
  a business appointment that I am anxious to miss.
• 59:43
  Speaker 8: Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London?
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: No, the appointment is in London.
• 59:48
  Speaker 8: Well, I know, of course, how important it is not
• 59:51
  to keep a business engagement if one wants to retain
• 59:54
  any sense of the beauty of life. But still, I
• 59:57
  think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I
• 1:00:00
  know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 2: About my what?
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 8: Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 2: I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has
• 1:00:14
  no taste in neckties at all.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 8: I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is
• 1:00:20
  sending you to Australia.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 2: Australia? I'd sooner die.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 8: Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night that you
• 1:00:28
  would have to choose between this world, the next world,
• 1:00:31
  and Australia.
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, well, the accounts I have received of Australia and
• 1:00:36
  the next world are not particularly encouraging. This world is
• 1:00:40
  good enough for me, Cousin Cecily.
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 8: Yes, but are you good enough for it?
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 2: I am afraid I am not that. That is why
• 1:00:50
  I want you to reform me. You might make that
• 1:00:54
  your mission. If you don't mind, Cousin Cecily.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 8: I'm afraid I've no time this afternoon.
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 2: Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 8: It is rather quixotic of you, but I think you
• 1:01:08
  should try.
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 6: I will.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 2: I feel better already.
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 8: You are looking a little worse.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 2: That is because I am hungry.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 8: How thoughtless of me! I should have remembered that when
• 1:01:20
  one is going to lead an entirely new life, One
• 1:01:23
  requires regular and wholesome meals. Won't you come in?
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 2: Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never
• 1:01:31
  have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 8: A marechal Niel?
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: Picks up scissors.
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 2: No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 8: Why?
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: Cuts a flower.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 2: Because you are like a pink rose, cousin Cecily.
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 8: I don't think it can be right for you to
• 1:01:52
  talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such
• 1:01:54
  things to me.
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 2: Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady.
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 1: Cecily puts the rose in his buttonhole.
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 2: You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 8: Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 2: They are a snare that every sensible man would like
• 1:02:13
  to be caught in.
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 8: Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a
• 1:02:16
  sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about.
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: They pass into the house miss prism and dr chasuble
• 1:02:24
  return you are.
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 7: Too much alone dear dr chasuble you should get married
• 1:02:30
  a misanthrope i can understand a womanthrope never with a
• 1:02:36
  scholar's shudder.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 9: Believe me i do not deserve so near logistic a
• 1:02:40
  phrase the precept as well as the practice of the
• 1:02:44
  primitive church was distinctly against matrimony.
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 7: That is obviously the reason why the primitive church has
• 1:02:51
  not lasted up to the present day. And you do
• 1:02:53
  not seem to realise, dear doctor, that by persistently remaining single,
• 1:02:58
  a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men
• 1:03:03
  should be more careful. This very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 9: But is a man not equally attractive when married?
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 7: No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 9: And often, I've been told, not even to her.
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 7: That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity
• 1:03:24
  can always be depended on. Rightness can be trusted. Young
• 1:03:29
  women are green.
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 4: Dr.
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 1: Charlesable starts.
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 7: I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruit. But
• 1:03:39
  where is Cicely?
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 9: Perhaps she followed us to the schools.
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack, slow-loop from the back of the garden. He
• 1:03:47
  is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crepe hatband and
• 1:03:50
  black gloves.
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 5: Mr.
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 8: Worthing!
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 6: Mr.
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 9: Worthing?
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 7: This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for
• 1:03:59
  you till Monday afternoon.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: Shakes Miss Prism's hand in a tragic manner.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 4: I have returned sooner than I expected.
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 2: Dr.
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 4: Chausable, I hope you are well?
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 9: Dear Mr Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does
• 1:04:15
  not betoken some terrible calamity?
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 4: My brother.
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 7: More shameful debts and extravagance?
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 9: Still leading his life of pleasure?
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: Shaking his head. Dead.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 9: Your brother Ernest dead?
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 4: Quite dead.
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 7: What a lesson for him. I trust he will profit
• 1:04:34
  by it.
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 9: Mr Worthing, I offer you my sincerest condolence. You have
• 1:04:40
  at least a consolation of knowing that you are always
• 1:04:42
  the most generous and forgiving of brothers.
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 4: Poor Ernest. He had many faults, but it is a sad,
• 1:04:51
  sad blow.
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 9: Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end?
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 6: No.
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 4: He died abroad, in Paris, in fact. I had a
• 1:05:01
  telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 9: Was the cause of death mentioned?
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 4: A severe chill, it seems.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 7: As a man sows, so shall he reap.
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: Raising his hand.
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 9: Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity. None of us are perfect.
• 1:05:22
  I myself am particularly susceptible to draughts. Will the interment
• 1:05:27
  take place here?
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 4: No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be
• 1:05:32
  buried in Paris.
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 7: In Paris?
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: Shakes his head.
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 9: I fear that hardly points to any very serious state
• 1:05:42
  of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish
• 1:05:45
  me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic
• 1:05:48
  affliction next Sunday.
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: Jack presses his hand convulsively.
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 9: My sermon on the meaning of the manor in the
• 1:05:56
  wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion. Joyful, or
• 1:06:01
  as in the present case, distressing.
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: I'll sigh.
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 9: I have preached it at Harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on
• 1:06:12
  days of humiliation and festal days. The last time I
• 1:06:16
  delivered it was in the cathedral, as a charity sermon
• 1:06:19
  on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent
• 1:06:23
  among the Upper Orders. The bishop, who was present, was
• 1:06:27
  much struck by some of the analogies I drew.
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 4: Ah, that reminds me, you mentioned christening, I think, Dr. Chosable?
• 1:06:35
  I suppose you know how to christen, all right?
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: Dr. Chaussebel looks astounded.
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 4: I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren't you?
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 7: It is, I regret to say, one of the rector's
• 1:06:48
  most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken
• 1:06:52
  to the poorer classes on the subject, but they don't
• 1:06:55
  seem to know what thrift is.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 9: But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr.
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 12: Worthing?
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 9: Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not?
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 4: Oh, yes.
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 7: People who live entirely for pleasure usually are.
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 4: But it is not for any child, dear doctor. I
• 1:07:15
  am very fond of children, no. The fact is, I
• 1:07:19
  would like to be christened myself this afternoon, if you
• 1:07:22
  have nothing better to do.
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 9: But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already.
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 4: I don't remember anything about it.
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 9: But you have any grave doubts on the subject?
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 4: I certainly intend to have. Of course, I don't know
• 1:07:39
  if the thing would bother you in any way, or
• 1:07:42
  if you think I am a little too old now.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 2: Not at all.
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 9: The sprinkling, and indeed the immersion of adults, is a
• 1:07:50
  perfectly canonical practice.
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 4: Immersion?
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 9: You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary,
• 1:07:59
  or indeed, I think, advisable. Our weather is so changeable.
• 1:08:04
  At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 4: Oh, I might trot around about five, if that would
• 1:08:13
  suit you.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 9: Oh, perfectly, perfectly. In fact, I have two similar ceremonies
• 1:08:18
  to perform at that time. A case of twins that
• 1:08:22
  occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your
• 1:08:25
  old estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most.
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 4: Hard-working, Oh, I don't see much fun in being christened
• 1:08:34
  along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past
• 1:08:37
  five do?
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 9: Admirably, admirably.
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: Takes out watch.
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 9: And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any
• 1:08:46
  longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg
• 1:08:49
  you not to be too much bowed down by grief.
• 1:08:53
  What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 7: This seems to me a blessing of extraordinary.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: Obvious kind enter cecily from the house.
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 8: Uncle jack oh i am pleased to see you back
• 1:09:08
  but what horrid clothes you have got on do go
• 1:09:11
  and change them cecily my child my.
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: Child cecily goes towards jack He kisses her brow in
• 1:09:20
  a melancholy manner.
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 8: What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy. You
• 1:09:25
  look as if you had toothache, and I have got
• 1:09:27
  such a surprise for you. Who do you think is
• 1:09:30
  in the dining-room? Your brother!
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 6: Who?
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 9: Your.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 8: Brother, Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 4: What nonsense! I haven't got a brother.
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 8: Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved
• 1:09:45
  to you in the past, he is still your brother.'
• 1:09:47
  You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him. I'll
• 1:09:50
  tell him to come out. And you will shake hands
• 1:09:53
  with him, won't you, Uncle Jack?
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: Runs back into the house.
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 9: These are very joyful tidings.
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 7: After all, we had all been resigned to his loss.
• 1:10:04
  His sudden return seems to be peculiarly distressing.
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 4: My brother is in the dining room. I don't know
• 1:10:14
  what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly
• 1:10:22
  up to Jack.
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 4: Good heavens!
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 1: Motions Algernon away.
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 2: Brother John, I have come down from town to tell
• 1:10:31
  you that I am very sorry for all the trouble
• 1:10:33
  I have given you and that I intend to lead
• 1:10:35
  a better life in the future.
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 1: Jack glares at him and does not take his hand.
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 8: Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own
• 1:10:44
  brother's hand.
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 4: Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think
• 1:10:50
  his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 8: Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in
• 1:10:58
  every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his
• 1:11:01
  poor invalid friend, Mr. Bunbury, whom he goes to visit
• 1:11:05
  so often. And surely there must be much good in
• 1:11:09
  one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the
• 1:11:11
  pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 4: Oh, he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 8: Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury
• 1:11:23
  and his terrible state of health.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 2: Bunbury!
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 4: Well, I won't have you talk to him about Bunbury
• 1:11:31
  or about anything else. It is enough to drive one
• 1:11:34
  perfectly frantic.
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 2: Of course I admit that the faults were all on
• 1:11:39
  my side. But I must say that I think that
• 1:11:43
  Brother John's coldness to me is— peculiarly painful. I expected
• 1:11:48
  a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is my first
• 1:11:53
  time I have come here.
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 8: Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest, I
• 1:11:57
  will never forgive you.
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 4: Never forgive me?
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 8: Never, never, never.
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 4: Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it.
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: Shakes with Algernon and glares.
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 9: It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation?
• 1:12:19
  I think we might leave the two brothers together.
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 7: Cicely, you will come with us.
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 8: Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over.
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 9: You have done a beautiful action today, dear child.
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 7: We must not be premature in our judgments.
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 8: I feel very happy.
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: They all go off except Jack and Algernon.
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 4: You young scoundrel! Algy, you must get out of this
• 1:12:49
  place as soon as possible. I don't allow any bumbering here.
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman.
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 10: I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next
• 1:13:00
  to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right.
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 8: What?
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 10: Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put
• 1:13:11
  it in the room next to your own.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 4: His luggage?
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 10: Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, and a
• 1:13:23
  large luncheon-basket.
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 2: I am afraid I can't stay more than a week
• 1:13:29
  this time.
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 4: Merryman, order the dog-cart at once.
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 4: Ernest has suddenly been called back to town.
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 10: Yes, sir.
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: Goes back into the house.
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 2: What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not
• 1:13:47
  been called back to town at all.
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 4: Yes, you have.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 2: I haven't heard anyone call me.
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 4: Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.
• 1:13:57
  Speaker 2: My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my
• 1:14:01
  pleasures in the smallest degree.
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 4: I can quite understand that.
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 2: Well, Cecily is a darling.
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 4: You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that.
• 1:14:15
  I don't like it.
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous
• 1:14:20
  in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change?
• 1:14:23
  It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for
• 1:14:25
  a man who is actually staying for a whole week
• 1:14:27
  with you in your house as a guest. I call
• 1:14:30
  it grotesque.
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 4: You are certainly not staying with me for a whole
• 1:14:34
  week as a guest or anything else. You have got
• 1:14:37
  to leave by the four-five train.
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 2: I certainly won't leave so long as you are in mourning.
• 1:14:44
  It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning,
• 1:14:48
  you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think
• 1:14:51
  it very unkind if you didn't.
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 4: Well, will you go if I change my clothes?
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 2: Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw
• 1:15:01
  anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 4: Well, at any rate, this is better than being always overdressed,
• 1:15:09
  as you are.
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 2: If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up
• 1:15:16
  for it by being always immensely over-educated.
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 4: Your vanity is ridiculous. Your conduct in outrage, and your
• 1:15:24
  presence in my garden, utterly absurd. However, you have got
• 1:15:28
  to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have
• 1:15:30
  a pleasant journey back to town. This bun-bring, as you
• 1:15:34
  call it, has not been a great success for you.
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 1: Goes into the house.
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 2: I think it has been a great success. I'm in
• 1:15:44
  love with Cecily, and that is everything.
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 1: Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. She picks
• 1:15:50
  up the can and begins to water the flowers.
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 2: But I must see her before I go and make
• 1:15:57
  arrangements for another bun bunny. Ah, there she is.
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 8: Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I
• 1:16:04
  thought you were with Uncle Jack.
• 1:16:07
  Speaker 2: He's gone to order the dog cart for me.
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 8: Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 2: He's going to send me away.
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 8: Then have we got to part?
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 2: I'm afraid so. It's a very painful parting.
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 8: It is always painful to part from people whom one
• 1:16:26
  has known for a very brief space of time. The
• 1:16:30
  absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity, but
• 1:16:34
  even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has
• 1:16:37
  just been introduced is almost unbearable.
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman.
• 1:16:45
  Speaker 10: The dog-cart is at the door, sir.
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 13: Algernon looks appealingly at Cecily.
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 8: It can wait, Merriman, for five minutes.
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 10: Yes, miss.
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: Exit Merriman.
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 2: I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I
• 1:17:02
  state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me
• 1:17:06
  to be— in every way, the visible personification of absolute perfection.
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 8: I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If
• 1:17:16
  you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into
• 1:17:19
  my diary.
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 1: Goes over to table and begins writing a diary.
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 2: Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to
• 1:17:28
  look at it. May I?
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 4: Oh, no.
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: Puts her hand over it.
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 8: You see, it is simply a very young girl's record
• 1:17:37
  of her own thoughts and impressions and consequently meant for
• 1:17:41
  publication when it appears in volume form i hope you
• 1:17:45
  will order a copy but pray ernest don't stop i
• 1:17:49
  delight in taking down from dictation i have reached absolute
• 1:17:54
  perfection you can go on i am quite ready for more.
• 1:17:59
  Speaker 1: Somewhat taken aback.
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 8: Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating, one should
• 1:18:08
  speak fluently, and not cough. Besides, I don't know how
• 1:18:12
  to spell a cough.
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: Writes as Algernon speaks.
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 12: Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and
• 1:18:22
  incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.
• 1:18:33
  Speaker 8: I don't think that you should tell me that you
• 1:18:35
  love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to
• 1:18:41
  make much sense, does it?
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 2: Cecily.
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman.
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 10: The dog-cart is waiting, sir.
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 2: Tell it to come round next week at the same hour.
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 1: Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.
• 1:18:56
  Speaker 10: Yes, sir.
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 1: Merriman retires.
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 8: Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew
• 1:19:03
  you were staying on till next week at the same hour.
• 1:19:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for
• 1:19:09
  anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily.
• 1:19:14
  You will marry me, won't you?
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 8: You silly boy!
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 2: Of course.
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 8: Why, we have been engaged for the last three months.
• 1:19:24
  Speaker 2: For the last three months?
• 1:19:27
  Speaker 8: Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 2: But how did we become engaged?
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 8: Well— Ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us
• 1:19:39
  that he had a younger brother who was very wicked
• 1:19:41
  and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic
• 1:19:44
  of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course
• 1:19:49
  a man who is much talked about is always very attractive.
• 1:19:53
  One feels there must be something in him after all.
• 1:19:56
  I dare say it was foolish of me, but I
• 1:19:59
  fell in love with you, Ernest.' Darling!
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 2: And when was the engagement actually settled?
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 8: On the 14th of February last, worn out by your
• 1:20:10
  entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the
• 1:20:14
  matter one way or the other, and after a long
• 1:20:17
  struggle with myself, I accepted you under this dear old
• 1:20:21
  tree here. The next day I bought this little ring
• 1:20:25
  in your name, and this is the little bangle with
• 1:20:27
  the true lover's knot I promised you always to wear.
• 1:20:32
  Speaker 2: Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it?
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 8: Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've
• 1:20:40
  always given for your leading such a bad life. And
• 1:20:43
  this is the box in which I keep all your
• 1:20:46
  dear letters.
• 1:20:47
  Speaker 1: My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never
• 1:20:50
  written you any letters. You need hardly remind.
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 2: Me of that, Ernest.
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 8: I remember only too well that I was forced to
• 1:21:06
  write your letters for you. I wrote always three times
• 1:21:09
  a week, and sometimes oftener.
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 2: Oh, do let me read them, Cecily.
• 1:21:16
  Speaker 8: Oh, I couldn't possibly. They would make you far too conceited.
• 1:21:21
  Speaker 1: Replace his box.
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 8: The three you wrote me after I had broken off
• 1:21:25
  the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that
• 1:21:29
  even now I can hardly read them without crying a little.
• 1:21:34
  Speaker 2: But was our engagement ever broken off?
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 8: Of course it was, on the 22nd of last March.'
• 1:21:40
  You can see the entry if you like.
• 1:21:42
  Speaker 1: Show' s diary.
• 1:21:45
  Speaker 8: Today I broke off my engagement with Ernest.' I feel
• 1:21:50
  it is better to do so.' The weather still continues charming.
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 2: But why on earth did you break it off?' What
• 1:21:58
  had I done? I had done nothing at all. Miss Essley,
• 1:22:02
  I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke
• 1:22:04
  it off, particularly when the weather was so charming.
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 8: It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if
• 1:22:11
  it hadn't been broken off at least once. But I
• 1:22:14
  forgave you before the week was out.
• 1:22:17
  Speaker 1: Crossing to her and kneeling.
• 1:22:20
  Speaker 2: What a perfect angel you are, Cecily.
• 1:22:23
  Speaker 8: You dear romantic boy.
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 1: He kisses her. She puts her fingers through his hair.
• 1:22:29
  Speaker 8: I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 2: Yes, darling, with a little help from others.
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 8: I am so glad.
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 2: You' ll never break off our engagement again, Cecily.
• 1:22:42
  Speaker 8: I don't think I could break it off now that
• 1:22:45
  I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is
• 1:22:49
  the question of your name.
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 2: Yes, of course.
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 8: You must not laugh at me, darling.' But it had
• 1:22:57
  always been a girlish dream of mine to love someone
• 1:23:00
  whose name was Ernest.
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: Algernon rises, Cecily also.
• 1:23:05
  Speaker 8: There is something in that name that seems to inspire
• 1:23:08
  absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband
• 1:23:13
  is not called Ernest.
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 2: But, my dear child, do you mean to say you
• 1:23:19
  could not love me if I had some other name?
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 8: But what name?
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 2: Oh, any name you like. Algernon, for instance.
• 1:23:33
  Speaker 8: But I don't like the name of Algernon.
• 1:23:36
  Speaker 2: Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really
• 1:23:41
  can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon.
• 1:23:43
  It is not at all a bad name. In fact,
• 1:23:47
  it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps
• 1:23:51
  who get into the bankruptcy court are called Algernon, But seriously, Cecily.
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 1: Moving to her.
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 2: If my name was Algy, couldn't you love me?
• 1:24:03
  Speaker 1: Rising.
• 1:24:04
  Speaker 8: I might respect you, Ernest. I might admire your character.
• 1:24:08
  But I fear that I should not be able to
• 1:24:10
  give you my undivided attention.
• 1:24:14
  Speaker 2: Cecily.
• 1:24:16
  Speaker 1: Picking up hat.
• 1:24:18
  Speaker 2: Your rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the
• 1:24:23
  practice of All the rites and ceremonials of the church?
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 8: Oh, yes.
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 2: Dr.
• 1:24:30
  Speaker 8: Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never written
• 1:24:33
  a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.
• 1:24:37
  Speaker 2: I must see him at once on a most important christening.
• 1:24:41
  I mean on the most important business.
• 1:24:45
  Speaker 5: Oh.
• 1:24:46
  Speaker 2: I shan't be away for more than half an hour.
• 1:24:49
  Speaker 8: Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th,
• 1:24:53
  and that I only met you to-day for the first time,
• 1:24:56
  I think it is rather hard that you should leave
• 1:24:58
  me for so long a period as half an hour.
• 1:25:01
  Couldn't you make it twenty minutes?
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 2: I'll be back in no time.
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 1: Kisses her, and rushes down the garden.
• 1:25:09
  Speaker 8: What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair
• 1:25:12
  so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.
• 1:25:17
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman.
• 1:25:19
  Speaker 10: A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing.
• 1:25:23
  On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.
• 1:25:27
  Speaker 8: Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library?
• 1:25:29
  Speaker 10: Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the rectory
• 1:25:32
  some time ago.
• 1:25:34
  Speaker 8: Pray ask the lady to come out here.
• 1:25:36
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 1:25:37
  Speaker 8: Worthing is sure to be back soon, and you can
• 1:25:39
  bring tea.
• 1:25:41
  Speaker 10: Yes, miss.
• 1:25:42
  Speaker 1: Goes out.
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 8: Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly
• 1:25:48
  women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of
• 1:25:50
  his philanthropic work in London. I don't quite like women
• 1:25:55
  who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is
• 1:25:58
  so forward of them.
• 1:26:00
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman.
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 10: Miss Fairfax.
• 1:26:03
  Speaker 1: Enter Gwendolyn. Exit Merriman. Advancing to meet her.
• 1:26:08
  Speaker 8: Pray let me introduce myself to you. My name is
• 1:26:11
  Cecily Cardew.
• 1:26:13
  Speaker 6: Cecily Cardew.
• 1:26:14
  Speaker 1: Moving to her and shaking hands.
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 6: What a very sweet name. Something tells me that we
• 1:26:20
  are going to be great friends. I like you already,
• 1:26:23
  more than I can say. My first impressions of people
• 1:26:26
  are never wrong.
• 1:26:28
  Speaker 8: How nice of you to like me so much, after
• 1:26:31
  we have known each other such a comparatively short time.
• 1:26:35
  Pray sit down.
• 1:26:36
  Speaker 1: Still standing up.
• 1:26:39
  Speaker 6: I may call you Cecily, may I not?
• 1:26:41
  Speaker 8: With pleasure.
• 1:26:43
  Speaker 6: And you will always call me Gwendolyn, won't you?
• 1:26:47
  Speaker 8: If you wish.
• 1:26:48
  Speaker 6: Then that is all quite settled, is it not?
• 1:26:52
  Speaker 8: I hope so.
• 1:26:52
  Speaker 1: A pause. They both sit down together.
• 1:26:58
  Speaker 6: Perhaps this might be a favorable opportunity for my mentioning
• 1:27:02
  who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You've never
• 1:27:06
  heard of Papa, I suppose?
• 1:27:09
  Speaker 8: I don't think so.
• 1:27:11
  Speaker 6: Outside the family circle, Papa, I am glad to say,
• 1:27:14
  is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it
• 1:27:17
  should be. The home seems to me to be the
• 1:27:19
  proper sphere for the man. And certainly, once a man
• 1:27:22
  begins to neglect his domestic duties, he becomes painfully effeminate,
• 1:27:25
  does he not? And I don't like that. It makes
• 1:27:29
  men so very attractive. Cecily, Mama, whose views on education
• 1:27:35
  are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted.
• 1:27:39
  It is part of her system. So do you mind
• 1:27:41
  my looking at you through my glasses?
• 1:27:44
  Speaker 8: Oh, not at all, Gwendolyn. I am very fond of
• 1:27:47
  being looked at.
• 1:27:48
  Speaker 1: After examining Cecily carefully through her lorgnette.
• 1:27:52
  Speaker 6: You are here on a short visit.
• 1:27:55
  Speaker 4: I suppose?
• 1:27:55
  Speaker 8: Oh no, I live here.'' Really?
• 1:28:00
  Speaker 6: Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advance years,
• 1:28:04
  resides here also?
• 1:28:05
  Speaker 8: Oh no, I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.'' Indeed?''
• 1:28:12
  My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism.' has
• 1:28:16
  the arduous task of looking after me.
• 1:28:18
  Speaker 6: Your guardian?'' Yes, I am Mr.
• 1:28:23
  Speaker 8: Worthing's ward.''.
• 1:28:25
  Speaker 2: Oh!
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 6: What is strange he never mentioned to me that he
• 1:28:28
  had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more
• 1:28:32
  interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news
• 1:28:36
  inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight.
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 13: Rising and going to her.
• 1:28:42
  Speaker 6: I am very fond of you, Cecily. I have liked
• 1:28:44
  you ever since I met you. But I am bound
• 1:28:47
  to state that, now that I know that you are Mr.
• 1:28:50
  Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were, well,
• 1:28:54
  just a little older than you seem to be, and
• 1:28:55
  not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if
• 1:28:58
  I may speak.
• 1:28:59
  Speaker 8: Candidly— Pray do. I think that whenever one has anything
• 1:29:03
  unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.
• 1:29:08
  Speaker 6: Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that
• 1:29:12
  you were fully forty-two and more than usually plain for
• 1:29:15
  your age. Ernest has a strong, upright nature. He's the
• 1:29:19
  very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as
• 1:29:22
  impossible to him as deception— but even men of the
• 1:29:25
  noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence
• 1:29:29
  of the physical charms of others modern no less than
• 1:29:33
  ancient history supplies us with many most painful examples of
• 1:29:36
  what i refer to if it were not so indeed
• 1:29:40
  history would be quite unreadable.
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 8: I beg your pardon gwendolen did you say ernest yes
• 1:29:48
  oh but it is not mr ernest worthing who is
• 1:29:51
  my guardian it is his brother' His elder brother.
• 1:29:54
  Speaker 1: Sitting down again.
• 1:29:56
  Speaker 6: Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother.
• 1:29:59
  Speaker 8: I am sorry to say they have not been on
• 1:30:03
  good terms for a long time.
• 1:30:05
  Speaker 6: Ah, that accounts for it. And now that I think
• 1:30:09
  of it, I have never heard any man mention his brother.
• 1:30:13
  The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have
• 1:30:17
  lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious.'
• 1:30:22
  It would have been terrible if any cloud had come
• 1:30:24
  across a friendship like ours, would it not? Of course
• 1:30:27
  you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr.
• 1:30:30
  Ernest Worthing who is your guardian.
• 1:30:33
  Speaker 8: Quite sure.
• 1:30:34
  Speaker 1: A pause.
• 1:30:37
  Speaker 8: In fact, I am going to be his.
• 1:30:40
  Speaker 6: I beg your pardon?
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 8: Dearest Gwendolyn, there is no reason why I should make
• 1:30:46
  a secret of it to you. Our little county newspaper
• 1:30:49
  is sure to chronicle the fact next week.
• 1:30:52
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 1:30:53
  Speaker 8: Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.
• 1:30:56
  Speaker 1: Quite politely rising.
• 1:30:58
  Speaker 6: My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr.
• 1:31:04
  Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear
• 1:31:08
  in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest.
• 1:31:12
  Speaker 1: Very politely rising.
• 1:31:14
  Speaker 8: I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest
• 1:31:17
  proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.
• 1:31:21
  Speaker 1: Show's diary. Examines diary through her lorgnette carefully.
• 1:31:26
  Speaker 6: It is certainly very curious. For he asked me to
• 1:31:29
  be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30. If you would
• 1:31:33
  care to verify the incident, pray do so.
• 1:31:36
  Speaker 1: Produces diary of her own.
• 1:31:38
  Speaker 6: I never travel without my diary. One should always have
• 1:31:41
  something sensational to read in the train. I am so sorry,
• 1:31:45
  dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but
• 1:31:47
  I am afraid I have the prior claim.
• 1:31:50
  Speaker 8: It would distress me more than I can tell you,
• 1:31:53
  dear Gwendolyn, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish.
• 1:31:57
  But I feel bound to point out that, since Ernest
• 1:32:00
  proposed to you, he clearly has changed his mind.
• 1:32:03
  Speaker 6: If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise,
• 1:32:08
  I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at
• 1:32:10
  once and with a firm hand.
• 1:32:12
  Speaker 8: Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into,
• 1:32:17
  I will never reproach him with it after we are married.
• 1:32:20
  Speaker 6: do you allude to me miss cardew as an entanglement
• 1:32:26
  you are presumptuous on an occasion of this kind it
• 1:32:29
  becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind
• 1:32:32
  it becomes a pleasure.
• 1:32:35
  Speaker 8: Do you suggest miss fairfax that i entrapped ernest into
• 1:32:39
  an engagement how dare you this is no time for
• 1:32:43
  wearing the shallow mask of manners when i see a
• 1:32:46
  spade i call it a spade I am.
• 1:32:49
  Speaker 6: Glad to say that I have never seen a spade.
• 1:32:52
  It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.
• 1:32:56
  Speaker 1: Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, tablecloth,
• 1:33:01
  and plate-stand. Cecily is about to retort. The presence of
• 1:33:06
  the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.
• 1:33:11
  Speaker 10: Shall I lay tea here, as usual, miss?
• 1:33:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, as usual.
• 1:33:17
  Speaker 1: Merriman begins to clear table and lay cloth, a long pause.
• 1:33:22
  Cecily and Gwendolyn glare at each other.
• 1:33:24
  Speaker 6: Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?
• 1:33:28
  Speaker 8: Oh, yes, a great many. From the top of one
• 1:33:32
  of the hills, quite close, one can see five counties.
• 1:33:35
  Speaker 6: Five counties! I don't think I should like that. I
• 1:33:39
  hate crowds.
• 1:33:40
  Speaker 8: I suppose that is why you live in town.
• 1:33:43
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn bites her lip and beats her foot nervously with
• 1:33:46
  her parasol. looking around.
• 1:33:50
  Speaker 6: Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.
• 1:33:54
  Speaker 8: So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
• 1:33:56
  Speaker 6: I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.
• 1:34:01
  Speaker 8: Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people
• 1:34:05
  are in London.
• 1:34:07
  Speaker 6: Personally, I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in
• 1:34:11
  the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country
• 1:34:15
  always bores me to death.
• 1:34:18
  Speaker 8: Ah this is what the newspapers call agricultural depression is
• 1:34:22
  it not i believe the aristocracy are suffering very much
• 1:34:26
  from it just at present it is almost an epidemic
• 1:34:29
  amongst them i have been told may i offer you
• 1:34:32
  some tea miss fairfax with elaborate politeness.
• 1:34:37
  Speaker 6: Thank you aside detestable girl but i require tea sugar
• 1:34:45
  no thank you Sugar is not fashionable any more.
• 1:34:51
  Speaker 13: Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs, and
• 1:34:54
  puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.
• 1:34:58
  Speaker 8: Cake or bread and butter?
• 1:35:01
  Speaker 6: Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the
• 1:35:04
  best houses nowadays.
• 1:35:07
  Speaker 1: Cuts a very large slice of cake and puts it
• 1:35:09
  on the tray.
• 1:35:10
  Speaker 8: Hand that to Miss Fairfax.
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 1: Merriman does so and goes out with Footman. Gwendolyn drinks
• 1:35:17
  the tea and makes a grimace, puts down cup at once,
• 1:35:21
  reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks
• 1:35:23
  at it and finds it is cake, rises in indignation.
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 6: You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and
• 1:35:31
  though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you
• 1:35:34
  have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness
• 1:35:38
  of my disposition and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature,
• 1:35:42
  but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
• 1:35:46
  Speaker 1: Rising.
• 1:35:48
  Speaker 8: To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations
• 1:35:52
  of any other girl, there are no lengths to which
• 1:35:55
  I would not go.
• 1:35:56
  Speaker 6: From the moment I saw you, I distrusted you. I
• 1:35:59
  felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never
• 1:36:02
  deceived in such manners. My first impressions of people are
• 1:36:06
  invariably right.
• 1:36:08
  Speaker 8: It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing
• 1:36:11
  on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other
• 1:36:14
  calls of a similar character to make in the neighborhood.
• 1:36:18
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack. Catching sight of him.
• 1:36:23
  Speaker 6: Ernest! My own Ernest!
• 1:36:26
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn! Darling!
• 1:36:30
  Speaker 1: Offers to kiss her. Draws back.
• 1:36:34
  Speaker 2: A moment.
• 1:36:35
  Speaker 6: May I ask you if you are engaged to be
• 1:36:38
  married to this young lady?
• 1:36:41
  Speaker 1: Points to Cecily.
• 1:36:42
  Speaker 4: To dear little Cecily? Oh, of course not! What could
• 1:36:47
  have put such an idea into your pretty little head?''
• 1:36:50
  Thank you.
• 1:36:53
  Speaker 6: You may.
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 1: Offers her cheek.
• 1:36:55
  Speaker 8: I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The
• 1:37:00
  gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is
• 1:37:03
  my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.'' I beg your pardon?'' This
• 1:37:08
  is Uncle Jack.
• 1:37:09
  Speaker 4: Receding.
• 1:37:10
  Speaker 1: Jack!
• 1:37:12
  Speaker 2: Oh!
• 1:37:12
  Speaker 1: Enter Algernon.
• 1:37:14
  Speaker 8: Here is Ernest.
• 1:37:17
  Speaker 1: Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing anyone else.
• 1:37:22
  Speaker 2: My own love.
• 1:37:24
  Speaker 1: Offers to kiss her. Drawing back.
• 1:37:27
  Speaker 8: A moment, Ernest. May I ask you, are you engaged
• 1:37:31
  to be married to this young lady?
• 1:37:35
  Speaker 1: Looking around.
• 1:37:37
  Speaker 2: To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolyn!
• 1:37:42
  Speaker 8: Yes, to good heavens Gwendolyn. I mean, to Gwendolyn.
• 1:37:47
  Speaker 2: Of course not. What could have put such an idea
• 1:37:50
  into your pretty little head?
• 1:37:52
  Speaker 8: Thank you.
• 1:37:54
  Speaker 1: Presenting her cheek to be kissed.
• 1:37:56
  Speaker 8: You may.
• 1:37:58
  Speaker 1: Algernon kisses her.
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 6: I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The
• 1:38:03
  gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr.
• 1:38:07
  Algernon Moncrief.
• 1:38:09
  Speaker 1: Breaking away from Algernon.
• 1:38:11
  Speaker 8: Algernon Moncrief.
• 1:38:13
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 1:38:14
  Speaker 1: The two girls moved towards each other and put their
• 1:38:17
  arms round each other's waist's protection.
• 1:38:20
  Speaker 8: Are you called Algernon?
• 1:38:23
  Speaker 2: I cannot deny it. Oh.
• 1:38:28
  Speaker 6: Is your name really John?
• 1:38:32
  Speaker 1: Standing rather proudly.
• 1:38:34
  Speaker 4: I could deny it, if I liked. I could deny anything,
• 1:38:37
  if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It
• 1:38:43
  has been John for years.
• 1:38:46
  Speaker 1: To Gwendolyn.
• 1:38:48
  Speaker 8: A gross deception has been practiced on both of us.
• 1:38:53
  Speaker 6: My poor wounded Cecily.
• 1:38:56
  Speaker 8: My sweet wronged Gwendolyn.
• 1:38:59
  Speaker 6: You will call me sister, will you not?
• 1:39:03
  Speaker 1: They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.
• 1:39:08
  Speaker 8: There is just one question I would like to be
• 1:39:10
  allowed to ask my guardian.
• 1:39:13
  Speaker 6: An admirable idea. Mr. Worthing, there is just one question
• 1:39:17
  I would like to be permitted to put to you.
• 1:39:20
  Where is your brother, Ernest? We are both engaged to
• 1:39:23
  be married to your brother, Ernest, so it is a
• 1:39:25
  matter of some importance for us to know where your brother, Ernest,
• 1:39:29
  is at present.
• 1:39:31
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn, Cecily, it is very painful for me to be
• 1:39:37
  forced to speak the truth. It is the first time
• 1:39:39
  in my life that I have ever been reduced to
• 1:39:41
  such a painful position. and I am really quite inexperienced
• 1:39:45
  in doing anything of the kind. However, I will tell
• 1:39:49
  you quite frankly that I have no brother, Ernest. I
• 1:39:52
  have no brother at all. I never had a brother
• 1:39:55
  in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest
• 1:39:57
  intention of ever having one in the future.
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 8: No brother at all?
• 1:40:05
  Speaker 6: None. Had you never a brother of any kind?
• 1:40:11
  Speaker 2: Never.
• 1:40:12
  Speaker 4: Not even of any kind.
• 1:40:16
  Speaker 6: I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither
• 1:40:20
  of us is engaged to be married to any one.
• 1:40:23
  Speaker 8: It is not a very pleasant position for a young
• 1:40:26
  girl suddenly to find herself in, is it?
• 1:40:29
  Speaker 6: Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture
• 1:40:32
  to come after us there.
• 1:40:34
  Speaker 8: No, men are so cowardly, aren't they?
• 1:40:38
  Speaker 1: They retire into the house with scornful looks.
• 1:40:41
  Speaker 4: This ghastly state of things is what you call bunbering,
• 1:40:46
  I suppose?
• 1:40:47
  Speaker 2: Yes, and a perfectly wonderful bunbury it is. The most
• 1:40:51
  wonderful bunbury I have ever had in my life.
• 1:40:55
  Speaker 4: Well, you have no right whatsoever to bunbury here.
• 1:40:59
  Speaker 2: That is absurd. One has a right to bunbury anywhere
• 1:41:02
  one chooses. Every serious bunburyist knows that.
• 1:41:08
  Speaker 4: Serious bunburyists? Good heavens!
• 1:41:13
  Speaker 2: Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants
• 1:41:17
  to have any amusement in life. I happen to be
• 1:41:20
  serious about bumbering. What on earth you are serious about,
• 1:41:24
  I haven't got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy.
• 1:41:29
  You have such an absolutely trivial nature.
• 1:41:33
  Speaker 4: Well. The only small satisfaction I have in this whole
• 1:41:37
  of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is
• 1:41:41
  quite exploded. You won't be able to run down to
• 1:41:43
  the country quite so often as you used to, dear Algy.
• 1:41:47
  And a very good thing, too.
• 1:41:50
  Speaker 2: Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack?
• 1:41:55
  You wouldn't be able to disappear to London quite so
• 1:41:57
  frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing, either.
• 1:42:03
  Speaker 4: As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say
• 1:42:07
  that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like
• 1:42:10
  that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact
• 1:42:13
  that she is my ward.
• 1:42:16
  Speaker 2: I can see no possible defence at all for your
• 1:42:18
  deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax.
• 1:42:23
  To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.
• 1:42:27
  Speaker 4: I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolyn, that is all.
• 1:42:30
  I love her.
• 1:42:32
  Speaker 2: Well, I simply want to be engaged to Cecily. I
• 1:42:36
  adore her.
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 4: There is certainly no chance of you marrying Miss Cardew.
• 1:42:44
  Speaker 2: I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you
• 1:42:47
  and Miss Fairfax being united.
• 1:42:50
  Speaker 4: Well, that is no business of yours.
• 1:42:55
  Speaker 2: If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it.
• 1:42:57
  Speaker 13: Begins to eat muffins.
• 1:43:00
  Speaker 2: It is fine. Very vulgar to talk about one's business.
• 1:43:03
  Only people like stockbrokers do that. And then merely at
• 1:43:07
  dinner parties.
• 1:43:09
  Speaker 4: How you can sit there calmly eating muffins when we
• 1:43:12
  are in this horrible trouble I can't make out. You
• 1:43:15
  seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
• 1:43:18
  Speaker 2: Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The
• 1:43:22
  butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always
• 1:43:25
  eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to
• 1:43:29
  eat them.
• 1:43:30
  Speaker 4: I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all
• 1:43:34
  under the circumstances.
• 1:43:36
  Speaker 2: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing
• 1:43:39
  that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble,
• 1:43:44
  as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I
• 1:43:47
  refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment
• 1:43:51
  I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I
• 1:43:55
  am particularly fond of muffins.
• 1:43:58
  Speaker 4: RISING Well, that is no reason why you should eat
• 1:44:04
  them in that greedy way.
• 1:44:08
  Speaker 1: Offering tea-cake.
• 1:44:14
  Speaker 2: I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea-cake.
• 1:44:18
  Speaker 4: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own
• 1:44:22
  muffins in his own garden.
• 1:44:25
  Speaker 2: But you have just said that it was perfectly heartless
• 1:44:28
  to eat muffins.
• 1:44:30
  Speaker 4: I said it was perfectly heartless of you under the circumstances.
• 1:44:35
  That is a very different thing.
• 1:44:39
  Speaker 2: That may be, but the muffins are the same.
• 1:44:43
  Speaker 1: He seizes the muffin dish from Jack.
• 1:44:46
  Speaker 4: Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.
• 1:44:51
  Speaker 2: You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner.
• 1:44:55
  It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one
• 1:44:59
  ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides, I
• 1:45:05
  have just made arrangements with Dr. Chaussebel to be christened
• 1:45:08
  at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.
• 1:45:12
  Speaker 4: My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense,
• 1:45:16
  the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chaussebel
• 1:45:20
  to be christened myself at five-thirty, and I naturally will
• 1:45:23
  take the name of Ernest. Gwendolyn would wish it. We
• 1:45:27
  can't both be christened earnest. It's absurd. Besides, I have
• 1:45:31
  a perfect right to be christened if I like. There
• 1:45:33
  is no evidence at all that I have ever been
• 1:45:35
  christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I
• 1:45:39
  never was, and so does Dr. Chaussebel. It is entirely
• 1:45:42
  different in your case. You have been christened already.
• 1:45:48
  Speaker 2: Yes, but I haven't been christened for years.
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 4: Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.
• 1:45:58
  Speaker 2: Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it.
• 1:46:01
  If you are not quite sure about your ever having
• 1:46:04
  been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous
• 1:46:08
  your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell.
• 1:46:12
  You can hardly have forgotten that someone very close connected
• 1:46:16
  with you was very nearly carried off this week in
• 1:46:20
  Paris by a severe chill.
• 1:46:23
  Speaker 4: Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was
• 1:46:27
  not hereditary.
• 1:46:29
  Speaker 2: It usedn't to be, I know. But I dare say
• 1:46:32
  it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.
• 1:46:37
  Speaker 1: Picking up the muffin dish.
• 1:46:39
  Speaker 4: Oh, that is nonsense. You are always talking nonsense.
• 1:46:45
  Speaker 2: Jack, you are at the muffins again. I wish you wouldn't.
• 1:46:50
  There are only two left. cakes them i told you
• 1:46:55
  i was particularly fond of muffins.
• 1:46:58
  Speaker 4: But i hate tea cake.
• 1:47:01
  Speaker 2: Why on earth then do you allow tea cake to
• 1:47:04
  be served up for your guests what ideas you have
• 1:47:09
  of hospitality.
• 1:47:12
  Speaker 4: Algernon i have already told you to go i don't
• 1:47:14
  want you here why don't you go.
• 1:47:17
  Speaker 2: I haven't quite finished my tea yet there is still
• 1:47:22
  one muffin left.
• 1:47:24
  Speaker 1: Jack groans and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.
• 1:47:32
  End of second act. The importance of being earnest. Third act. Scene.
• 1:47:40
  Morning room at the manor house. Gwendolyn and Cecily are
• 1:47:44
  at the window looking out into the garden.
• 1:47:46
  Speaker 6: The fact that they did not follow us at once
• 1:47:49
  into the house is as anyone else would have done,
• 1:47:52
  seems to me to show that they have some sense
• 1:47:54
  of shame left.
• 1:47:56
  Speaker 8: They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
• 1:48:00
  Speaker 6: They don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you cough?
• 1:48:05
  Speaker 8: But I haven't got a cough.
• 1:48:07
  Speaker 6: They're looking at us. What effrontery!
• 1:48:11
  Speaker 8: They're approaching. That's very forward of them.
• 1:48:15
  Speaker 6: Let us preserve a dignified silence.
• 1:48:19
  Speaker 8: Certainly. It's the only thing to do now.
• 1:48:22
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack, followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular
• 1:48:26
  air from a British opera.
• 1:48:27
  Speaker 6: This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
• 1:48:32
  Speaker 8: A most distasteful one.
• 1:48:34
  Speaker 6: But we will not be the first to speak.
• 1:48:39
  Speaker 8: Certainly not.
• 1:48:41
  Speaker 6: Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.
• 1:48:45
  Much depends on your reply.
• 1:48:48
  Speaker 8: Gwendolyn, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrief, kindly answer
• 1:48:53
  me the following question. Why did you pretend to be
• 1:48:57
  my guardian's brother?
• 1:48:59
  Speaker 2: In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
• 1:49:04
  Speaker 1: To Gwendolyn.
• 1:49:06
  Speaker 8: That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?
• 1:49:11
  Speaker 6: Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
• 1:49:13
  Speaker 8: I don't, but that does not affect the wonderful beauty
• 1:49:17
  of his answer.
• 1:49:19
  Speaker 6: True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is
• 1:49:25
  the vital thing.
• 1:49:26
  Speaker 13: Mr.
• 1:49:26
  Speaker 6: Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending
• 1:49:30
  to have a brother? Was it in order that you—
• 1:49:33
  might have an opportunity of coming up to town to
• 1:49:36
  see me as often as possible?
• 1:49:38
  Speaker 4: Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?
• 1:49:42
  Speaker 6: I have the gravest doubts upon the subject, but I
• 1:49:45
  intend to crush them. This is not the moment for
• 1:49:47
  German scepticism.
• 1:49:50
  Speaker 1: Moving to Cecily.
• 1:49:53
  Speaker 6: Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's.
• 1:49:57
  That seems to me to have the stamp of truth
• 1:49:59
  upon it.
• 1:50:01
  Speaker 8: I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrief said.
• 1:50:05
  His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.
• 1:50:09
  Speaker 6: Then you think we should forgive them?
• 1:50:12
  Speaker 2: Yes. I mean, no.
• 1:50:15
  Speaker 13: True.
• 1:50:16
  Speaker 6: I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one
• 1:50:19
  cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task
• 1:50:23
  is not a pleasant one.
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 8: Could we not both speak at the same time?
• 1:50:28
  Speaker 6: An excellent idea. I nearly always speak at the same
• 1:50:31
  time as other people. Will you take the time from me?
• 1:50:35
  Speaker 8: Certainly.
• 1:50:36
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn beats time with uplifted finger. Speaking together.
• 1:50:41
  Speaker 6: Your Christian names are still an inseparable barrier.
• 1:50:44
  Speaker 8: That is all.
• 1:50:46
  Speaker 1: Speaking together.
• 1:50:46
  Speaker 4: Our Christian names?
• 1:50:49
  Speaker 9: Is that all?
• 1:50:51
  Speaker 4: But we are going to be christened this afternoon.
• 1:50:53
  Speaker 1: To Jack.
• 1:50:55
  Speaker 6: For my sake, you are prepared to do this terrible thing?
• 1:51:00
  Speaker 4: I am.
• 1:51:01
  Speaker 1: To Algernon.
• 1:51:02
  Speaker 8: To please me, you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
• 1:51:07
  Speaker 2: I am.
• 1:51:08
  Speaker 6: How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes,
• 1:51:12
  where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned. Men are infinitely beyond us.
• 1:51:17
  Speaker 4: We are.
• 1:51:18
  Speaker 1: Clasps hands with Algernon.
• 1:51:21
  Speaker 8: They have moments of physical courage of which we women
• 1:51:24
  know absolutely nothing.
• 1:51:26
  Speaker 1: To Jack.
• 1:51:27
  Speaker 6: Darling.
• 1:51:28
  Speaker 1: To Cecily.
• 1:51:30
  Speaker 2: Darling.
• 1:51:32
  Speaker 1: They fall into each other's arms. Enter Merriman. When he enters,
• 1:51:37
  he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.
• 1:51:42
  Speaker 2: Lady Bracknell.
• 1:51:44
  Speaker 4: Good heavens!
• 1:51:46
  Speaker 1: Enter Lady Bracknell. The couple separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.
• 1:51:52
  Speaker 5: Gwendolyn, what does this mean?
• 1:51:55
  Speaker 6: Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, Mama.
• 1:52:00
  Speaker 5: Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any
• 1:52:05
  kind is a sign of mental decay in the young,
• 1:52:08
  of physical weakness in the old.
• 1:52:10
  Speaker 1: Turns to Jack.
• 1:52:12
  Speaker 5: Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty
• 1:52:15
  maid whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin,
• 1:52:19
  I followed her at once by a luggage train. her
• 1:52:22
  unhappy father is i am glad to say under the
• 1:52:25
  impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy
• 1:52:28
  lecture by the university extension scheme on the influence of
• 1:52:31
  a permanent income on thought but i do not propose
• 1:52:35
  to undeceive him Indeed, I have never undeceived him on
• 1:52:38
  any question. I would consider it wrong. But, of course,
• 1:52:41
  you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and
• 1:52:46
  my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point,
• 1:52:50
  as indeed on all points, I am firm.
• 1:52:53
  Speaker 4: I am engaged to be married to Gwendolyn, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:52:57
  Speaker 5: You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now as
• 1:53:01
  regards Algernon. Algernon?
• 1:53:04
  Speaker 2: Yes, Aunt Augusta?
• 1:53:06
  Speaker 5: May I ask if it is in this house that
• 1:53:08
  your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?
• 1:53:12
  Speaker 6: Oh, no.
• 1:53:14
  Speaker 2: Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present.
• 1:53:20
  In fact, Bunbury is dead.
• 1:53:24
  Speaker 5: Dead? When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have
• 1:53:27
  been extremely sudden.
• 1:53:29
  Speaker 2: Oh, I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean, poor Bunbury
• 1:53:35
  died this afternoon.
• 1:53:38
  Speaker 5: What did he die of?
• 1:53:40
  Speaker 2: Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.
• 1:53:43
  Speaker 1: Exploded?
• 1:53:44
  Speaker 5: Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was
• 1:53:47
  not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.
• 1:53:51
  If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.
• 1:53:54
  Speaker 2: My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out.
• 1:53:58
  The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that
• 1:54:03
  is what I mean. So Bunbury died.
• 1:54:07
  Speaker 5: He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion
• 1:54:10
  of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he has
• 1:54:13
  made up his mind at the last to some definite
• 1:54:15
  course of action and acted under proper medical advice. And
• 1:54:19
  now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury,
• 1:54:22
  may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person
• 1:54:25
  whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding— in what
• 1:54:28
  seems to me a particularly unnecessary manner.
• 1:54:32
  Speaker 4: That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.
• 1:54:37
  Speaker 1: Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily.
• 1:54:40
  Speaker 2: I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:54:43
  Speaker 5: I beg your pardon?
• 1:54:46
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 1:54:46
  Speaker 8: Moncrief and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:54:50
  Speaker 1: With a shiver crossing to the sofa and setting down.
• 1:54:54
  Speaker 5: I do not know whether there is anything particularly exciting
• 1:54:57
  in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but
• 1:55:00
  the number of engagements that go on seems to me
• 1:55:02
  considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down
• 1:55:06
  for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my
• 1:55:10
  part would not be out of place.
• 1:55:12
  Speaker 7: Mr.
• 1:55:12
  Speaker 5: Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of
• 1:55:16
  the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information.
• 1:55:21
  Until yesterday, I had no idea that there were any
• 1:55:23
  families or persons whose origin was a terminus.
• 1:55:27
  Speaker 1: Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.
• 1:55:31
  Speaker 4: Miss Cardew is the granddaughter of the late Mr. Thomas
• 1:55:34
  Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, South West, Gervais Park, Dorking, Surrey,
• 1:55:41
  and the Sporan, Fifeshire, N.B.
• 1:55:45
  Speaker 5: That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even
• 1:55:50
  in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity?
• 1:55:55
  Speaker 4: I have carefully preserved the court guides of the period.
• 1:55:58
  They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:56:01
  Speaker 5: I have known strange errors in that publication.
• 1:56:04
  Speaker 4: Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messieurs Markby, Markby, and Markby.
• 1:56:11
  Speaker 5: Markby, Markby, and Markby. A firm of the very highest
• 1:56:15
  position in their profession. Indeed, I am told that one
• 1:56:18
  of the Mr. Markbys is occasionally to be seen at
• 1:56:20
  dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.
• 1:56:24
  Speaker 4: How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell. I have also
• 1:56:30
  in my position, you will be pleased to hear, Certificate
• 1:56:33
  of Miss Cardew's Birth, Baptism, Whooping Cough, Registration, Vaccination, Confirmation,
• 1:56:39
  and the Measles, both the German and the English variety.
• 1:56:44
  Speaker 2: Ah!
• 1:56:45
  Speaker 5: A life crowded with incident, I see, though perhaps somewhat
• 1:56:49
  too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself
• 1:56:52
  in favor of premature experiences.
• 1:56:55
  Speaker 1: Rises looks at her watch.
• 1:56:58
  Speaker 5: Gwendolyn, the time approaches for our departure. We have not
• 1:57:01
  a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing,
• 1:57:05
  had I better ask you if Miss Cardew has any
• 1:57:07
  little fortune?
• 1:57:07
  Speaker 4: Oh, about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds. in the funds.
• 1:57:17
  That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have
• 1:57:20
  seen you.
• 1:57:22
  Speaker 1: Sitting down again.
• 1:57:24
  Speaker 5: A moment, Mr.
• 1:57:25
  Speaker 2: Worthing.
• 1:57:26
  Speaker 5: A hundred and thirty thousand pounds. And in the funds.
• 1:57:31
  Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady
• 1:57:34
  now that I look at her. Few girls of the
• 1:57:37
  present day have any really solid qualities, any of the
• 1:57:40
  qualities that last and improve with time. We live, I
• 1:57:44
  regret to say, in an age of surfaces.
• 1:57:47
  Speaker 1: To Cecily.
• 1:57:48
  Speaker 5: Come over here, dear.
• 1:57:50
  Speaker 1: Cecily goes across.
• 1:57:52
  Speaker 5: Pretty child, your dress is sadly simple, and your hair
• 1:57:56
  seems almost as nature might have left it, but we
• 1:57:59
  can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid
• 1:58:03
  produces a really marvelous result in a very brief space
• 1:58:06
  of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lansing,
• 1:58:11
  and after three months her own husband did not know her.
• 1:58:15
  Speaker 4: And after six months nobody knew her.
• 1:58:19
  Speaker 1: Glares at Jack for a few moments, then bends with
• 1:58:22
  a practiced smile to Cecily.
• 1:58:25
  Speaker 5: Kindly turn around, sweet child.
• 1:58:27
  Speaker 1: Cecily turns completely round.
• 1:58:29
  Speaker 5: No, the side view is what I want.
• 1:58:31
  Speaker 1: Cecily presents her profile.
• 1:58:34
  Speaker 5: Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities
• 1:58:38
  in your profile. The two weak points in our age
• 1:58:42
  are its want of principle and its want of profile.
• 1:58:45
  The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on
• 1:58:48
  the way the chin is worn. They are worn very
• 1:58:51
  high just at present. Algernon?
• 1:58:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:58:56
  Speaker 5: There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's profile.
• 1:59:00
  Speaker 2: Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world,
• 1:59:06
  and I don't care two pence about social possibilities.
• 1:59:12
  Speaker 5: Never speak disrespectfully of society, Algernon. Only people who can't
• 1:59:16
  get into it do that.
• 1:59:17
  Speaker 1: To Cecily.
• 1:59:20
  Speaker 5: Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing
• 1:59:23
  but his debts to depend on. But I do not
• 1:59:26
  approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell, I
• 1:59:30
  had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed
• 1:59:33
  for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well,
• 1:59:36
  I suppose I must give my consent.
• 1:59:39
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:59:41
  Speaker 5: Cecily, you may kiss me.
• 1:59:43
  Speaker 1: Kisses her.
• 1:59:44
  Speaker 8: Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:59:46
  Speaker 5: You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.
• 1:59:50
  Speaker 8: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:59:52
  Speaker 5: The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.
• 1:59:56
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:59:57
  Speaker 8: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:59:59
  Speaker 5: To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.
• 2:00:04
  They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
• 2:00:07
  character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
• 2:00:10
  Speaker 4: I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but
• 2:00:15
  this engagement is quite out of the question. I am
• 2:00:18
  Miss Cardew's guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent
• 2:00:22
  until she comes of age.' That consent I absolutely decline
• 2:00:27
  to give.
• 2:00:27
  Speaker 5: Upon what grounds, may I ask? Algernon is an extremely,
• 2:00:33
  and may I say, an ostentatiously eligible young man. He
• 2:00:37
  has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?
• 2:00:41
  Speaker 4: It pains me very much to have to speak frankly
• 2:00:46
  to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew. But the fact is,
• 2:00:50
  I do not approve at all of his moral character.
• 2:00:55
  I suspect him of being untruthful.
• 2:00:59
  Speaker 1: Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.
• 2:01:03
  Speaker 5: Untruthful? My nephew Algernon? Impossible. He is an Oxonian.
• 2:01:10
  Speaker 4: I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.
• 2:01:13
  This afternoon, during my temporary absence in London on an
• 2:01:16
  important question of romance... He obtained admission to my house
• 2:01:20
  by means of a false pretense of being my brother.
• 2:01:23
  Under an assumed name, he drank, I had just been
• 2:01:27
  informed by my butler, an entire pint, a bottle of
• 2:01:30
  Perrier Jouer Brew, 89, wine I was specifically reserving for myself.
• 2:01:37
  continuing his disgraceful deception he succeeded in the course of
• 2:01:41
  the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward
• 2:01:45
  he subsequently stayed to tea and devoured every single muffin
• 2:01:51
  and what makes his conduct all the more heartless is
• 2:01:55
  that he was perfectly well aware from the first that
• 2:01:57
  I have no brother, that I never had a brother,
• 2:02:00
  and that I don't intend to have a brother, not
• 2:02:02
  even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself
• 2:02:07
  yesterday afternoon.
• 2:02:10
  Speaker 5: Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration, I have decided entirely to
• 2:02:15
  overlook my nephew's conduct to you.
• 2:02:16
  Speaker 4: Oh, that is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My
• 2:02:20
  own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.
• 2:02:27
  Speaker 1: To Cecily.
• 2:02:29
  Speaker 5: Come here, sweet child.
• 2:02:31
  Speaker 1: Cecily goes over.
• 2:02:33
  Speaker 5: How old are you, dear?
• 2:02:36
  Speaker 8: Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit
• 2:02:40
  to twenty when I go to evening parties.
• 2:02:43
  Speaker 5: You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed,
• 2:02:47
  no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.
• 2:02:50
  Speaker 7: It looks so calculating.
• 2:02:52
  Speaker 5: Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it
• 2:02:56
  will not be very long before you are of age
• 2:02:58
  and free from the restraints of tutelage, so I don't
• 2:03:01
  think your guardian's consent is, after all, a matter of
• 2:03:04
  any importance.
• 2:03:06
  Speaker 4: Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again. But
• 2:03:11
  it is only fair to tell you that according to
• 2:03:13
  the terms of her grandfather's will, Miss Cardew does not
• 2:03:17
  legally come of age until she is thirty-five years.
• 2:03:22
  Speaker 5: That does not seem to me to be a grave objection.
• 2:03:25
  Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full
• 2:03:29
  of women of the very highest birth who have, of
• 2:03:31
  their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton
• 2:03:36
  is an instance in point. To my own knowledge, she
• 2:03:39
  has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age
• 2:03:42
  of forty, which was many years ago now. I see
• 2:03:45
  no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even
• 2:03:48
  still more attractive at the age you mention than she
• 2:03:50
  is at present.' There will be a large accumulation of property.
• 2:03:55
  Speaker 8: Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?
• 2:03:58
  Speaker 2: Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.
• 2:04:03
  Speaker 8: Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all
• 2:04:06
  that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody.
• 2:04:10
  It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself,
• 2:04:14
  I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting,
• 2:04:19
  even to be married— is quite out of the question.
• 2:04:23
  Speaker 2: Then what is to be done, Cecily?
• 2:04:25
  Speaker 8: I don't know, Mr. Moncrief.
• 2:04:28
  Speaker 5: My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that
• 2:04:31
  she cannot wait till she is thirty-five, a remark which
• 2:04:34
  I am bound to say seems to me to show
• 2:04:36
  a somewhat impatient nature, I would beg of you to
• 2:04:39
  reconsider your decision.
• 2:04:41
  Speaker 4: But, my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in
• 2:04:45
  your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage
• 2:04:49
  with Gwendolyn, I will gladly allow your nephew to form
• 2:04:52
  an alliance with my ward.
• 2:04:55
  Speaker 1: Rising and drawing herself up.
• 2:04:57
  Speaker 5: You must be quite aware that what you propose is
• 2:04:59
  out of the question.
• 2:05:01
  Speaker 4: Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us
• 2:05:05
  can look forward to.
• 2:05:07
  Speaker 5: That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolyn. Algernon,
• 2:05:11
  of course, can choose for himself.
• 2:05:13
  Speaker 1: Pulls out her watch.
• 2:05:15
  Speaker 2: Come, dear.
• 2:05:16
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn rises.
• 2:05:18
  Speaker 5: We have already missed five, if not six, trains. To
• 2:05:22
  miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.
• 2:05:26
  Speaker 1: Enter Dr. Chausable.
• 2:05:28
  Speaker 9: Everything is quite ready for the christenings.
• 2:05:31
  Speaker 5: The christenings, sir? Is that not somewhat premature?
• 2:05:35
  Speaker 1: Looking rather puzzled and pointing to Jack and Algernon.
• 2:05:38
  Speaker 9: Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.
• 2:05:43
  Speaker 5: At their age? The idea is gross and irreligious. Algernon,
• 2:05:48
  I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear
• 2:05:50
  of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if
• 2:05:54
  he learned that that was the way in which you
• 2:05:56
  wasted your time and money.
• 2:05:57
  Speaker 9: Am I to understand, then, that there are to be
• 2:06:01
  no christenings at all this afternoon?
• 2:06:04
  Speaker 4: I don't think that, as things are now, it would
• 2:06:08
  be of much practical use to either of us, Dr. Chaussebel.
• 2:06:12
  Speaker 9: I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr Worthing.
• 2:06:16
  The savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views
• 2:06:21
  that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However,
• 2:06:27
  as your present mood seems to be one particularly secular,
• 2:06:31
  I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I
• 2:06:35
  have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the
• 2:06:37
  last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting
• 2:06:40
  for me in the vestry.
• 2:06:43
  Speaker 1: Starting.
• 2:06:44
  Speaker 5: Miss Prism, did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?
• 2:06:48
  Speaker 9: Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.
• 2:06:52
  Speaker 5: Allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter
• 2:06:55
  may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord
• 2:06:57
  Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of
• 2:07:01
  repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?
• 2:07:05
  Speaker 9: She is the most cultivated of ladies and the very
• 2:07:08
  picture of respectability.
• 2:07:10
  Speaker 5: It is obviously the same person. May I ask what
• 2:07:13
  position she holds in your household?
• 2:07:14
  Speaker 9: I am a celibate, madam.
• 2:07:18
  Speaker 1: Interposing.
• 2:07:20
  Speaker 4: Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three
• 2:07:25
  years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion.
• 2:07:32
  Speaker 5: In spite of what I hear of her, I must
• 2:07:34
  see her at once. Let her be sent for.
• 2:07:37
  Speaker 1: Looking off.
• 2:07:38
  Speaker 9: She preaches. She is nice.
• 2:07:41
  Speaker 1: Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.
• 2:07:42
  Speaker 7: I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon.
• 2:07:47
  I have been waiting for you there for an hour
• 2:07:49
  and three quarters.
• 2:07:50
  Speaker 1: Catch his sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her
• 2:07:53
  with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails.
• 2:07:57
  She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.
• 2:08:00
  Speaker 2: Prism!
• 2:08:02
  Speaker 1: Miss Prism bows her head in shame.
• 2:08:04
  Speaker 5: Come here, Prism.
• 2:08:06
  Speaker 1: Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner.
• 2:08:09
  Speaker 5: Prism, where is that baby?
• 2:08:12
  Speaker 1: General consternation. The cannon starts back in horror. Algernon and
• 2:08:17
  Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolyn
• 2:08:20
  from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.
• 2:08:24
  Speaker 5: Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's house, No. 104,
• 2:08:28
  Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained
• 2:08:32
  a baby of the male sex. You never returned. A
• 2:08:36
  few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan Police,
• 2:08:41
  the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in
• 2:08:44
  a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of
• 2:08:48
  a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.
• 2:08:52
  Speaker 1: Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation.
• 2:08:56
  Speaker 5: But the baby was not there.
• 2:08:59
  Speaker 1: Everyone looks at Miss Prism.
• 2:09:01
  Speaker 5: Prism, where is that baby?
• 2:09:03
  Speaker 1: A pause.
• 2:09:08
  Speaker 7: Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.
• 2:09:11
  I only wish I did. The plain facts of the
• 2:09:15
  case are these. On the morning of the day you mention,
• 2:09:19
  a day that is forever branded on my memory, I
• 2:09:22
  prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.
• 2:09:26
  I had also with me somewhat old but capacious handbag
• 2:09:29
  in which I had intended to place the manuscript of
• 2:09:32
  a work of fiction that I had written during my
• 2:09:34
  few unoccupied hours. In a moment of mental obstruction for
• 2:09:39
  which I can never forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript
• 2:09:42
  in the bassinet and placed the baby in the handbag.
• 2:09:46
  Speaker 1: Who has been listening attentively.
• 2:09:48
  Speaker 4: But where did you deposit the handbag?
• 2:09:53
  Speaker 7: Do not ask me, Mr.
• 2:09:54
  Speaker 6: Worthing.
• 2:09:56
  Speaker 4: Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance
• 2:10:00
  to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the
• 2:10:03
  handbag that contained that infant.
• 2:10:05
  Speaker 7: I left it in the cloakroom of one of the
• 2:10:08
  larger railway stations of London.
• 2:10:10
  Speaker 4: What railway station?
• 2:10:14
  Speaker 1: Quite crushed.
• 2:10:16
  Speaker 7: Victoria is the Brighton line.
• 2:10:20
  Speaker 1: Sinks into a chair.
• 2:10:21
  Speaker 4: I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolyn,
• 2:10:26
  wait here for me.
• 2:10:28
  Speaker 6: If you are not too long, I will wait here
• 2:10:31
  for you all my life.
• 2:10:34
  Speaker 1: Exit Jack in great excitement.
• 2:10:37
  Speaker 9: What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?
• 2:10:40
  Speaker 5: I dare not even suspect, Dr.
• 2:10:42
  Speaker 6: Chazubelle.
• 2:10:43
  Speaker 5: I need hardly tell you that in families of high position,
• 2:10:46
  strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly
• 2:10:50
  considered the thing.
• 2:10:52
  Speaker 1: Noises heard overhead as if someone were throwing trunks about.
• 2:10:57
  Everyone looks up.
• 2:10:58
  Speaker 8: Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.
• 2:11:02
  Speaker 9: Your guardian has a very emotional nature.
• 2:11:05
  Speaker 5: This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he
• 2:11:09
  was having an argument. I just like arguments of any kind.
• 2:11:12
  They are always vulgar and often convincing.
• 2:11:15
  Speaker 1: Looking up.
• 2:11:17
  Speaker 9: It has stopped now.
• 2:11:18
  Speaker 1: The noise has redoubled.
• 2:11:20
  Speaker 5: I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.
• 2:11:23
  Speaker 6: This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
• 2:11:27
  Speaker 1: Enter Jack with a handbag of black leather in his hand.
• 2:11:31
  Rushing over to Miss Prism.
• 2:11:33
  Speaker 4: Is this the handbag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully before
• 2:11:36
  you speak. The happiness of more than one life depends
• 2:11:39
  on your answer.
• 2:11:40
  Speaker 7: It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury
• 2:11:44
  it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus
• 2:11:47
  in younger and happier days. Here is the stain on
• 2:11:51
  the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage,
• 2:11:54
  an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here on the
• 2:11:58
  lock are my initials. I had forgotten that in an
• 2:12:02
  extravagant mood I had had them placed there. The bag
• 2:12:05
  is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so
• 2:12:09
  unexpectedly restored to me It has been a great inconvenience
• 2:12:13
  being without it in all these years.
• 2:12:16
  Speaker 4: Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this handbag.
• 2:12:20
  I was the baby you placed it.
• 2:12:23
  Speaker 2: You?
• 2:12:25
  Speaker 1: Embracing her.
• 2:12:26
  Speaker 4: Yes, mother.
• 2:12:29
  Speaker 1: Recoiling in indignant astonishment.
• 2:12:32
  Speaker 4: Mr.
• 2:12:33
  Speaker 7: Worthing, I am unmarried.
• 2:12:36
  Speaker 4: Unmarried? I do not deny that is a serious blow,
• 2:12:41
  but after all, who has the right to cast a
• 2:12:44
  stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out
• 2:12:47
  an act of folly? Why should there be one law
• 2:12:50
  for men and another for women? Mother, I forgive you.
• 2:12:55
  Speaker 1: Tries to embrace her again. Still more indignant.
• 2:13:00
  Speaker 2: Mr.
• 2:13:00
  Speaker 7: Worthing, there is some error.
• 2:13:02
  Speaker 1: Pointing to Lady Bracknell.
• 2:13:04
  Speaker 7: There is the lady who can tell you who you
• 2:13:06
  really are.
• 2:13:08
  Speaker 1: After a pause.
• 2:13:13
  Speaker 4: Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you
• 2:13:20
  kindly inform me who I am?
• 2:13:22
  Speaker 5: I am afraid that the news I have to give
• 2:13:26
  you will not altogether please you. You are the son
• 2:13:30
  of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrief, and consequently Algernon's elder brother.
• 2:13:36
  Speaker 4: Algis? elder brother then i have a brother after all
• 2:13:46
  i knew i had a brother i always said i
• 2:13:49
  had a brother cecily how could you have ever doubted
• 2:13:52
  that i had a brother Sees his hold of Algernon.
• 2:13:55
  Speaker 2: Dr.
• 2:13:55
  Speaker 4: Chosable, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolyn,
• 2:13:59
  my unfortunate brother. Algernon, you young scoundrel. You will have
• 2:14:04
  to treat me with more respect in the future. You
• 2:14:06
  have never behaved to me like a brother in all
• 2:14:09
  your life.
• 2:14:11
  Speaker 2: Well, not till today, old boy, I admit. I did
• 2:14:15
  my best, however, though I was out of practice.
• 2:14:18
  Speaker 1: Shakes hands. To Jack.
• 2:14:22
  Speaker 6: My own. But what own are you? What is your
• 2:14:26
  Christian name, now that you have become someone else?
• 2:14:31
  Speaker 4: Good heavens! I'd quite forgotten that point. Your decision on
• 2:14:36
  the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose.
• 2:14:39
  Speaker 6: I never change, except in my affections.
• 2:14:43
  Speaker 8: What a noble nature you have, Gwendolyn.
• 2:14:47
  Speaker 4: Then the question had better be cleared up at once.
• 2:14:49
  Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prison
• 2:14:53
  left me in the handbag, had I been christened already?
• 2:14:57
  Speaker 5: Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been
• 2:15:00
  lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.
• 2:15:04
  Speaker 4: Then I was christened. That is settled. Now, what name
• 2:15:09
  was I given? Let me know the worst.
• 2:15:12
  Speaker 5: Being the eldest son, you were naturally christened after your father.
• 2:15:16
  Speaker 4: Yes, but what was my father's Christian name?
• 2:15:21
  Speaker 5: I cannot at the present moment recall what the general's
• 2:15:24
  Christian name was, but I have no doubt he had one.
• 2:15:27
  He was eccentric, I admit, but only in later years,
• 2:15:31
  and that was the result of the Indian climate and
• 2:15:33
  marriage and indigestion and other things of that kind.
• 2:15:37
  Speaker 4: Alger, can't you recollect what our father's Christian name was?
• 2:15:41
  Speaker 2: My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.
• 2:15:46
  He died before I was a year old.
• 2:15:48
  Speaker 4: His name would appear on the army list of the period,
• 2:15:50
  I suppose, aren't Augusta?
• 2:15:53
  Speaker 5: The general was essentially a man of peace, except in
• 2:15:55
  his domestic life, but I have no doubt his name
• 2:15:58
  would appear in any military directory.
• 2:16:01
  Speaker 4: The army list of the last forty years, I hear.
• 2:16:03
  These delightful records should have been my constant study.
• 2:16:06
  Speaker 13: Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.
• 2:16:10
  Speaker 1: Uh, M.
• 2:16:12
  Speaker 4: Generals, Malham, Maxwell, Magley, what ghastly names they have, Markby, Migsby, Moncrief, Lieutenant, 1840, Captain,
• 2:16:23
  Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel General, 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.
• 2:16:29
  Speaker 1: Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.
• 2:16:32
  Speaker 4: I have always told you, Gwendolyn, my name was Ernest,
• 2:16:36
  didn't I? Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean,
• 2:16:40
  it naturally... is Ernest.
• 2:16:44
  Speaker 5: Yes, I remember now that the general was called Ernest.
• 2:16:47
  I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.
• 2:16:51
  Speaker 6: Ernest. My own Ernest. I felt from the first that
• 2:16:57
  you could have no other name.
• 2:17:00
  Speaker 4: Gwendolyn, it is a terrible thing for a man to
• 2:17:03
  find out suddenly that all his life he has been
• 2:17:06
  speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?
• 2:17:11
  Speaker 6: I can, for I feel that you are sure to change.
• 2:17:16
  Speaker 4: My own one.
• 2:17:19
  Speaker 1: To Miss Prism.
• 2:17:20
  Speaker 9: Letitia!
• 2:17:22
  Speaker 1: Embraces her.
• 2:17:24
  Speaker 7: Frederick, at last.
• 2:17:27
  Speaker 2: Cecily.
• 2:17:29
  Speaker 1: Embraces her.
• 2:17:31
  Speaker 2: At last.
• 2:17:33
  Speaker 1: Gwendolyn. Embraces her.
• 2:17:36
  Speaker 4: At last.
• 2:17:38
  Speaker 5: My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.
• 2:17:42
  Speaker 4: On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I have now realized for
• 2:17:46
  the first time in my life the vital... importance of
• 2:17:51
  being earnest.
• 2:17:55
  Speaker 1: End of the third act. End of The Importance of
• 2:17:59
  Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde