Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #267| How To STOP People Pleasing & Instantly Create Boundaries That Keep You Calm WITHOUT Using Confrontation

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#267| How To STOP People Pleasing & Instantly Create Boundaries That Keep You Calm WITHOUT Using Confrontation · Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing

• 0:00
  Michelle Gauthier: When you listen today, you're gonna learn how to stop people pleasing without using confrontation.
• 0:09
  Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
• 0:17
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
• 0:22
  Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
• 0:27
  Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
• 0:34
  Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
• 0:37
  Michelle Gauthier: Today we're talking about boundaries, and I had to laugh to myself this morning because I knew I was going to be recording this episode.
• 0:44
  Michelle Gauthier: And I was in my kitchen getting some coffee, and in our kitchen, we have this cake plate with a dome over the top of it, and that's where all the sweets always are.
• 0:51
  Michelle Gauthier: So if we have cookies or whatever, they're always underneath that thing.
• 0:54
  Michelle Gauthier: And I saw there was a note in there.
• 0:55
  Michelle Gauthier: My daughter had a cookie that she bought yesterday at Panera, and it said, You can eat this cookie, but if you do, you have to pay me five dollars, put the cash here.
• 1:04
  Michelle Gauthier: And I was like, solid boundary.
• 1:07
  Michelle Gauthier: Way to go, Josie.
• 1:08
  Michelle Gauthier: When you have a teenage brother and a handsome man friend hanging around who will both eat your sweets without your permission, she knows what's up.
• 1:15
  Michelle Gauthier: Anyway, that's not what we're talking about today, but we are talking about boundaries.
• 1:18
  Michelle Gauthier: My guest today is Rebecca Olson.
• 1:20
  Michelle Gauthier: She is a coach who helps ambitious working moms stop overfunctioning.
• 1:25
  Michelle Gauthier: She and I both talk a lot on our podcasts and to our clients about people pleasing and boundaries.
• 1:31
  Michelle Gauthier: And I just loved hearing her take and the way that she explains it.
• 1:35
  Michelle Gauthier: And I think that you will love it too.
• 1:36
  Michelle Gauthier: When you listen to this episode, you'll learn why a boundary isn't about keeping people out.
• 1:41
  Michelle Gauthier: You'll also learn the real reason why you cave in the moment when someone's asking you to do something and you can know what you want to say, but you don't say it.
• 1:49
  Michelle Gauthier: She's gonna give you a tool that you can use for that situation.
• 1:52
  Michelle Gauthier: And why the guilt that you feel when you say no isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong.
• 1:57
  Michelle Gauthier: It's just the cost of no longer people pleasing.
• 2:00
  Michelle Gauthier: So let's welcome Rebecca.
• 2:03
  Michelle Gauthier: Rebecca, thank you so much for being here with us today on Overwhelmed Working Woman.
• 2:07
  Michelle Gauthier: It's fantastic to have you.
• 2:08
  Rebecca Olson: Thank you for having me here, Michelle.
• 2:10
  Rebecca Olson: I'm really excited to be chatting with you and your audience.
• 2:13
  Rebecca Olson: And we just nerd out about stuff like this, about boundaries and prioritization, which these are like two things that are super intertwined.
• 2:21
  Rebecca Olson: Your priorities are what your boundaries should be protecting.
• 2:24
  Rebecca Olson: So your boundary, if we think about it like it's a fence around your home, if we were to use that visual.
• 2:30
  Rebecca Olson: Your fence is what protects the things that are inside of the fence, in this case, your home and the people within your home and your pets and your stuff and those types of things.
• 2:40
  Rebecca Olson: And so the fence becomes the protective barrier that keeps some things out that are not important and then keeps the things that are important that you want to protect in.
• 2:50
  Rebecca Olson: So that gives you the visual on that.
• 2:51
  Rebecca Olson: But of course, we don't have a fence around our priorities in life, right?
• 2:55
  Rebecca Olson: That's not how that works.
• 2:56
  Rebecca Olson: We don't have something physical like that.
• 2:58
  Rebecca Olson: It wouldn't make it easier if we did.
• 2:59
  Rebecca Olson: But in this case, what we have, what creates our boundary or our fence around our priorities is our decision.
• 3:05
  Rebecca Olson: It's our yes and it's our no.
• 3:07
  Rebecca Olson: And so we want our yes to be prioritizing all of the things within the boundary, right?
• 3:13
  Rebecca Olson: We want it to be our priorities and we want our no to ultimately be against the things that are outside of our boundaries.
• 3:20
  Rebecca Olson: If we start to think about our boundaries as actually being our decision making and what we choose to say yes to, what we choose to say no to, we would start to recognize that's solely within our power, right?
• 3:31
  Rebecca Olson: Nobody else makes our decisions but us.
• 3:32
  Rebecca Olson: Nobody else tells us what we say yes or no to.
• 3:36
  Rebecca Olson: We always are in charge of what we say yes and we say no to.
• 3:39
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, absolutely.
• 3:40
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so I want to go back to something that you said that I think is so good because sometimes people hear boundaries and they feel like they have to put their hand up and give somebody the stiff arm and push them out.
• 3:52
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah.
• 3:52
  Michelle Gauthier: And I love how you said our fence or imagined fence around our priorities is something that keeps those priorities in.
• 4:00
  Michelle Gauthier: So we're trying to keep in the things that we do want.
• 4:05
  Michelle Gauthier: And I just that twist on the way, uh twist of phrase, turn of phrase, so that it's not like you've got to keep out all these other things.
• 4:12
  Michelle Gauthier: No, you're just keeping inside the things that really matter to you.
• 4:16
  Michelle Gauthier: And I love the way you liken it to a house.
• 4:17
  Michelle Gauthier: Because if you think about your house, like your kids are in there, your pets are in there, your spouse is in there, your chocolate chip cookies are in there, all the things that you want are in your house, and you want to protect those.
• 4:26
  Michelle Gauthier: And it's powerful to think about it.
• 4:28
  Michelle Gauthier: If I make a decision that leaves my fence open, or the example you just gave me when we were talking before this was like kicking down one of the boards in your fence, then you're going to allow for things to come in that you don't want in there.
• 4:43
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Michelle Gauthier: So say more about the decision making piece of it because I think a lot of people don't believe that they always have a choice.
• 4:51
  Rebecca Olson: I think it's more common to say something along the lines of they're not adhering to my boundaries or my wishes or my whatever I've asked them to do, they're not doing it.
• 5:02
  Rebecca Olson: Right.
• 5:02
  Rebecca Olson: So I've asked them to not message me after hours anymore, after six, and with my ceiling, I can't get to that message, and they're still doing that.
• 5:09
  Rebecca Olson: I've asked them to not schedule deadlines Monday morning first thing, and they're still doing that.
• 5:16
  Rebecca Olson: And so there's this idea that boundaries somehow fall into the hands of other people.
• 5:23
  Rebecca Olson: And then other people are supposed to be making decisions for your priorities in one of the headers to you.
• 5:29
  Rebecca Olson: It's not the way, it's not the most helpful way to think about it.
• 5:31
  Rebecca Olson: I think we're skewed in that way of thinking.
• 5:34
  Rebecca Olson: So in this case, a boundary is what are you going to do to protect your family time when somebody else calls you, messages you, sends you a Teams message at 6 p.m.
• 5:47
  Rebecca Olson: after you're done working?
• 5:48
  Rebecca Olson: What are you going to do?
• 5:50
  Rebecca Olson: That's your boundary.
• 5:51
  Rebecca Olson: That's your decision in that moment.
• 5:53
  Rebecca Olson: They're allowed to message you whenever the heck they want.
• 5:55
  Rebecca Olson: They can do it at six, they can do it at nine.
• 5:57
  Rebecca Olson: Maybe they're up at one in the morning.
• 5:58
  Rebecca Olson: Fine, whatever.
• 5:59
  Rebecca Olson: That's up to them.
• 6:00
  Rebecca Olson: It's what are you going to do when that happens?
• 6:03
  Rebecca Olson: That becomes your decision.
• 6:05
  Rebecca Olson: And so you can be irritated at them that they're messaging you at six o'clock, but why are you believing that you're supposed to even be messaging them back at that time, right?
• 6:14
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah.
• 6:14
  Rebecca Olson: You just get to decide.
• 6:16
  Rebecca Olson: And so I always want to focus on what you have control over instead of what other people are doing.
• 6:22
  Rebecca Olson: Being a parent, we know that we never actually get to control our children and we never actually get to control anyone else around us.
• 6:28
  Rebecca Olson: And so it's always about what have you decided to do?
• 6:32
  Rebecca Olson: Let me just give you another example of this.
• 6:33
  Rebecca Olson: Like I have a client right now, she has a really challenging boss.
• 6:37
  Rebecca Olson: She'll come into a meeting with her boss.
• 6:39
  Rebecca Olson: And even if it's supposed to be like a 15-minute, 30-minute meeting, it'll be like an hour or an hour and a half, or even two hours.
• 6:46
  Rebecca Olson: She's described some of these like ongoing meetings, and she's like, we have work to do.
• 6:50
  Rebecca Olson: And so she's recognizing that her boss just can talk endlessly about things and has no concept of time for meetings.
• 6:58
  Rebecca Olson: And rather than coach her on how to get her boss to stop making long meetings, we've just talked about what does it look like to protect your time, which is your priority, right?
• 7:06
  Rebecca Olson: What does it look like?
• 7:07
  Rebecca Olson: So when you note it, like how long are you willing to give your boss to go over your meeting?
• 7:11
  Rebecca Olson: Let's decide that.
• 7:12
  Rebecca Olson: And then when that time hits, what exactly are you going to tell her?
• 7:15
  Rebecca Olson: And she has had to start getting, hey, I've got five minutes.
• 7:18
  Rebecca Olson: Hey, I've got two minutes.
• 7:20
  Rebecca Olson: Hey, we're at time.
• 7:21
  Rebecca Olson: I'm sorry.
• 7:22
  Rebecca Olson: I'm gonna have to leave you right now.
• 7:23
  Rebecca Olson: And it's almost like mid-sentence.
• 7:25
  Rebecca Olson: And it's so uncomfortable for her, but that's what's within her boundary.
• 7:29
  Rebecca Olson: That's her ability to make a decision to protect her time.
• 7:31
  Rebecca Olson: And it's what she has to do in order to not work late all the time and get all of her work done during the workday.
• 7:37
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, that's such a good example because the road that you could go down with that is to complain to all of your coworkers and your spouse and everyone who will listen about how bad your boss sucks and how much time she takes that you don't have to give and just become very dissatisfied with your work and maybe even need to go work somewhere else instead of just creating that boundary and holding it for yourself.
• 8:00
  Michelle Gauthier: And you made such an important point that I want to just underscore, which is the boundary belongs to you.
• 8:06
  Michelle Gauthier: You can't write a manifesto and show it to the world and say, here's how I want everyone to treat me or what I want everyone to do.
• 8:12
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, it belongs to you.
• 8:14
  Michelle Gauthier: And the consequences of that boundary also belong to you.
• 8:18
  Michelle Gauthier: So if you don't hold it up, it's on you.
• 8:21
  Michelle Gauthier: And even though that sounds maybe harsh, I just think it's such a much more empowering place to be.
• 8:26
  Michelle Gauthier: Like I'm in charge of how I spend my time.
• 8:29
  Michelle Gauthier: Obviously, if you have a boss and you have to have a meeting with that person, I'm not being delusional, but there comes a point where when you're over time, you've got to say something.
• 8:38
  Rebecca Olson: Yep.
• 8:38
  Rebecca Olson: Absolutely.
• 8:39
  Rebecca Olson: And the thing that really only ever gets in the way of us holding to our boundaries and keeping to what are our most important things, our priorities, is really how it feels at the end of the day.
• 8:50
  Rebecca Olson: Right?
• 8:50
  Rebecca Olson: It just feels bad to interrupt your boss and say, I'm sorry, I gotta go.
• 8:55
  Rebecca Olson: Like you're probably pissed off at them.
• 8:57
  Rebecca Olson: You are worried about your performance review coming up, you're worried that they're gonna be upsetting you.
• 9:02
  Rebecca Olson: And there's all these emotions flying about in the moment that you have to make a decision on whether you're going to raise your hand and say, I gotta step out or not.
• 9:10
  Rebecca Olson: And that emotional barrier is really what you have to learn how to get through because it's the thing that is driving that decision to either have to stay there and listen to your boss drive on for another hour or not.
• 9:22
  Rebecca Olson: And so that's enough how important it is to have a toolkit of learning how to process those emotions and recognize them and get through them in the moment because it's the thing that is really preventing you from being able to hold to your boundaries.
• 9:36
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes.
• 9:36
  Michelle Gauthier: And I think that temporary discomfort that you'll feel when you tell your boss I've gotta go.
• 9:42
  Michelle Gauthier: If you compare how uncomfortable it is to work late every night because you don't have time to get your work done, if you weigh those, which is more uncomfortable.
• 9:50
  Michelle Gauthier: I just set this boundary with my kids.
• 9:53
  Michelle Gauthier: I switched the way that we're doing money.
• 9:55
  Michelle Gauthier: I used to give them small allowance and then give them money as time went on, as they were gonna go out with their friends or whatever.
• 10:03
  Michelle Gauthier: And I just figured out how much each one of them should get one of my kids' drives.
• 10:08
  Michelle Gauthier: So he gets gas to go to school and back and work and back, but not just drive all over town, like cover their school lunches, whatever.
• 10:15
  Michelle Gauthier: And so I gave them way more money, like three times more money than I was giving them before.
• 10:20
  Michelle Gauthier: And I said, But here's the deal, you gotta make it last the whole month.
• 10:23
  Michelle Gauthier: You can go out to eat with your friends anytime you want, but when you're out of money, you're out of money.
• 10:27
  Michelle Gauthier: And so last weekend, which was not even the end of the month, it was like 10 days left in the month or something.
• 10:33
  Michelle Gauthier: They were going together and they were driving to their dad's house, which is two hours away, and they didn't have any money left and they wanted to get fast food.
• 10:40
  Michelle Gauthier: And I felt so uncomfortable thinking about my kids being hungry and feeling like I should be providing for them.
• 10:47
  Michelle Gauthier: And I was like, there's plenty of food at our house.
• 10:49
  Michelle Gauthier: You can make yourself a sandwich to take, you can eat before you go.
• 10:53
  Michelle Gauthier: You can call your dad and ask him for money if you want to, but I'm just you are not getting any more.
• 10:59
  Michelle Gauthier: I feel like both for me and for them, they need to know I'm not kidding.
• 11:04
  Michelle Gauthier: Because if I would have said yes, then this next month, when it gets to the end and they're running out, I'm gonna have to do it again and again.
• 11:10
  Michelle Gauthier: So it's once you've held that boundary for the first time and you've sweat and you've felt bad and maybe even guiltier or whatever you feel, just know the next time it's gonna be way easier, easier until it's just comfortable.
• 11:22
  Michelle Gauthier: And then, like in this case, they just won't ask anymore.
• 11:25
  Rebecca Olson: They're they're gonna ask anymore.
• 11:27
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah, they're gonna learn how to make it last, the whole weapon.
• 11:30
  Rebecca Olson: Yes, but exactly.
• 11:32
  Rebecca Olson: Yes.
• 11:33
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah, I like to teach that there is there's two types of tools we can talk about when we're talking about getting through that emotion to be able to hold your boundaries.
• 11:41
  Rebecca Olson: This in the moment tool that is gonna help you literally process that emotion in the moment to get through it, to stick to your guns, to say novel, even when it's hard, and even when you're afraid of what they're gonna think, and even when you know that they're cursing you achieved and all of the things.
• 11:56
  Rebecca Olson: Like, how do you get through that actual moment?
• 11:59
  Rebecca Olson: Because that moment is everything.
• 12:00
  Rebecca Olson: I teach a specific process called the pivot protocol to help you process that emotion first so you can stick to your guns.
• 12:06
  Rebecca Olson: But then the second bank because it's the preventative tools, right?
• 12:10
  Rebecca Olson: In this case, I'm gonna try to make that moment where my kids are gonna ask for money easier so I don't feel so bad in that moment, or I'm gonna prep my boss before the meeting and let her know what time exactly is my fort out so that when we come to that moment, it doesn't feel so there's preventative ways that we can get ahead of some of those moments to lessen the hard um holding to our boundaries.
• 12:34
  Rebecca Olson: And both of those kind of tools are really important to be developing simultaneously.
• 12:38
  Rebecca Olson: But yeah, let me talk to you about the pivot protocol.
• 12:40
  Rebecca Olson: So the pivot protocol is six steps and it starts with stopping.
• 12:45
  Rebecca Olson: That's step one, stop, step out from the moment, label what you're feeling.
• 12:49
  Rebecca Olson: I call it the noticing and the normalizing.
• 12:52
  Rebecca Olson: Oh my gosh, I am feeling really nervous.
• 12:54
  Rebecca Olson: I'm feeling really anxious, I'm feeling really scared, I'm feeling like I'm disappointing someone, I'm feeling really guilty for X, Y, or Z.
• 13:02
  Rebecca Olson: And then the normalizing is of course I'm feeling that way.
• 13:05
  Rebecca Olson: My boss, she's the key to my money, right?
• 13:08
  Rebecca Olson: She's the key to my promotion.
• 13:09
  Rebecca Olson: She's kind of everything.
• 13:10
  Rebecca Olson: She employs me.
• 13:11
  Rebecca Olson: Of course, if I'm gonna push back against her, I'm gonna feel that way.
• 13:15
  Rebecca Olson: It's really normal that I would feel that way.
• 13:18
  Rebecca Olson: Or for you, like, of course, you're gonna feel really guilty or anxious in that moment.
• 13:23
  Rebecca Olson: You love your kids and you want to provide for them, and they it's just food and it's whatever, 15 bucks, and it's really not that big of a deal.
• 13:30
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah, it feels really bad to deny them something that feels so easy like that.
• 13:35
  Rebecca Olson: Of course, you're a good mom.
• 13:37
  Rebecca Olson: Of course, you're gonna feel that way.
• 13:38
  Rebecca Olson: So stopping, noticing or labeling and then normalizing all of that 10 seconds.
• 13:43
  Rebecca Olson: If that's when we step back, we just have that moment with ourselves.
• 13:46
  Rebecca Olson: Then we have to actually process the feelings that are happening in the moment.
• 13:50
  Rebecca Olson: And we like to skip this.
• 13:51
  Rebecca Olson: This is really so important.
• 13:53
  Rebecca Olson: It's the crux of everything, right?
• 13:55
  Rebecca Olson: You have to be able to calm your nervous system down before you make a decision.
• 13:59
  Rebecca Olson: Because if you make a decision about what you're gonna do, are you gonna raise your hand and tell your boss, are you gonna say yes or no to your kids or whatever?
• 14:05
  Rebecca Olson: If you're doing that from a heightened emotional state, you're never gonna make great decisions.
• 14:10
  Rebecca Olson: Maybe you're gonna stick to your guns, maybe you won't, I don't know.
• 14:13
  Rebecca Olson: But you're gonna give yourself the greatest possibility of following through with your priority if you have a much calmer nervous system.
• 14:21
  Rebecca Olson: And so calming your nervous system can be as simple as some deep breathing.
• 14:24
  Rebecca Olson: Sometimes it's like a walk.
• 14:26
  Rebecca Olson: If you like really gonna let the steam out, sometimes it's picking up a pen and paper, writing some things down, sometimes it's laying down on the ground and having a meditation.
• 14:34
  Rebecca Olson: Some of my clients, and this is actually where the word pivot came from, is we were talking about literally pivoting in your chair away from your computer.
• 14:41
  Rebecca Olson: Spin and pivot away and look at something else for a moment and have a moment with yourself.
• 14:45
  Rebecca Olson: But that's really what we're doing.
• 14:47
  Rebecca Olson: And we're but we're not jumping yet to the what should I do about this?
• 14:51
  Rebecca Olson: Don't feel bad about this, Rebecca.
• 14:53
  Rebecca Olson: It's their fault, not my fault.
• 14:54
  Rebecca Olson: It's not convincing yourself to not feel the way you're feeling.
• 14:57
  Rebecca Olson: You're just letting yourself calm down for a moment before you get into that headspace of thinking about and justifying what you want to do next.
• 15:05
  Rebecca Olson: And so calming your nervous system down, what we know from science is that actually doesn't take all that long.
• 15:10
  Rebecca Olson: We think that calming down can take forever.
• 15:12
  Rebecca Olson: We gotta go on a long walk in order to do that, right?
• 15:15
  Rebecca Olson: And so we just push those feelings down and we do all the stuff.
• 15:18
  Rebecca Olson: But in reality, processing our emotions like that can be anywhere from 20, 30 seconds to a couple of minutes at most, if we're really intentional about calming ourselves down and having a tool to do that.
• 15:29
  Rebecca Olson: So it's okay, I'm calm now.
• 15:32
  Rebecca Olson: My kids are asking for this.
• 15:33
  Rebecca Olson: What's really the most important thing here?
• 15:35
  Rebecca Olson: Is it that they get fed or is it that they learn this lesson?
• 15:38
  Rebecca Olson: Then you get to make a decision that is much more intentional, much more proactive, much more focused on your priorities.
• 15:44
  Rebecca Olson: And then of course you just want to execute on that and follow through with whatever you say.
• 15:49
  Rebecca Olson: So, in a nutshell, what that looks like when you get good at this, 30 seconds to a minute or so at pops, but you might have to do this multiple times a day.
• 15:56
  Rebecca Olson: All of those moments when your nervous system heightens a little bit and your heart starts to beat a little faster, you get anxious about something.
• 16:02
  Rebecca Olson: It's always a moment.
• 16:03
  Rebecca Olson: Get back into a much more intentional space and follow the pivot protocol and be in a headspace that's gonna allow you to prioritize correctly.
• 16:11
  Michelle Gauthier: That's such a good visual to think about it being a literal pivot, like turning your chair around and just turning away from the question, the stress, the everything so that you can process it.
• 16:22
  Michelle Gauthier: I love it.
• 16:23
  Michelle Gauthier: That's so great.
• 16:24
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, I think the thought I landed on was hunger is not an emergency, like being hungry for two hours is not an emergency.
• 16:32
  Michelle Gauthier: And also they have the choice, they could get food from the home that we live in.
• 16:36
  Michelle Gauthier: So I think they weren't even thought yet.
• 16:38
  Rebecca Olson: They were like asking for money before they left because they didn't have the money versus yeah.
• 16:44
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, because I have taught them, that's what they can do.
• 16:47
  Michelle Gauthier: I take radical responsibility for why they're asking, it's because I have taught them that.
• 16:52
  Michelle Gauthier: So, of course, when we change, when we make new boundaries, the people who have benefited from us not having boundaries don't like it.
• 17:00
  Michelle Gauthier: They're like, wait a minute.
• 17:02
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:03
  Rebecca Olson: A lot of times that's what we blame this on as people pleasers, right?
• 17:07
  Rebecca Olson: We say you fear their response.
• 17:09
  Rebecca Olson: I don't want them to be disappointed.
• 17:10
  Rebecca Olson: I don't want them to think I'm a bad mom.
• 17:12
  Rebecca Olson: I don't want them to be hungry.
• 17:13
  Rebecca Olson: I don't want them to think I'm not a team player.
• 17:16
  Rebecca Olson: I don't want my boss to think that I'm not respectful.
• 17:19
  Rebecca Olson: We have these thoughts about what other people are gonna think and how they're gonna feel.
• 17:24
  Rebecca Olson: That's very typical for us as people pleasers, but really it's not about what they're gonna think or feel.
• 17:29
  Rebecca Olson: It's about what you're going to think and feel if or when they feel that way.
• 17:33
  Rebecca Olson: We're actually afraid of our own feelings and our own thoughts when other people have big emotions that are triggered by us.
• 17:40
  Rebecca Olson: And that's ultimately what we're avoiding.
• 17:42
  Rebecca Olson: We don't want that, feels bad.
• 17:43
  Rebecca Olson: Feels bad.
• 17:44
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, yeah, exactly.
• 17:45
  Michelle Gauthier: But not so bad, we're gonna die.
• 17:47
  Michelle Gauthier: That's the thing to remember.
• 17:49
  Michelle Gauthier: It will be uncomfortable.
• 17:51
  Rebecca Olson: We can't avoid it.
• 17:52
  Rebecca Olson: I and I say that all the time to my clients.
• 17:54
  Rebecca Olson: We can coach and coach to get you to a place where you are so then that nobody's triggered around you and you're not triggered by anyone, and there's no big emotions flying around.
• 18:03
  Rebecca Olson: But let's be honest, we are human beings.
• 18:06
  Rebecca Olson: This is the way of the world.
• 18:07
  Rebecca Olson: We live in community.
• 18:08
  Rebecca Olson: The people that we love the most trigger us.
• 18:10
  Rebecca Olson: I would rather teach you how to keep getting back in control of yourself and your decisions and the way you're thinking and feeling and learn how to do that quickly than to ever try to set your circumstances up where you're never triggered.
• 18:22
  Rebecca Olson: That's not a good use of time.
• 18:24
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah.
• 18:25
  Rebecca Olson: So it always that always makes sense.
• 18:27
  Rebecca Olson: It makes so much more sense to me to focus our attention on learning how to get back in control than to ever get to a place where we're feeling that sense of being out of control.
• 18:36
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah.
• 18:37
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, which I think is like nearly impossible, a nearly impossible state to get to.
• 18:41
  Michelle Gauthier: But if we can shorten the suffering that comes from it, then I think that's what we want.
• 18:48
  Michelle Gauthier: And I also think when you're in control of your own emotions, meaning I can feel guilt, I can feel anger, I can feel all those things, I can feel them, and I can process them and I can come out the other side.
• 18:57
  Michelle Gauthier: When you're worried about what somebody else might think or feel or do, you can just trust them to do that same thing.
• 19:03
  Michelle Gauthier: Like even if they're disappointed, we can let them handle that.
• 19:06
  Michelle Gauthier: They're an adult, or in my case, teenagers, and they can handle that.
• 19:09
  Michelle Gauthier: Being disappointed is also not an emergency.
• 19:13
  Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I would argue that it can be good.
• 19:15
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, very they can become resilient and come up with new solutions.
• 19:19
  Michelle Gauthier: I love this.
• 19:20
  Michelle Gauthier: This is such a good, fresh take on boundaries.
• 19:22
  Michelle Gauthier: I have two more questions for you, which I ask everybody, every guest.
• 19:26
  Michelle Gauthier: It's funny though, the first one is really about boundaries.
• 19:29
  Michelle Gauthier: The first question is what's a rule that you've made for yourself that you very rarely, if ever, break?
• 19:36
  Rebecca Olson: That is such a good one.
• 19:37
  Rebecca Olson: I think that I would say this one is around my kid.
• 19:40
  Rebecca Olson: This is the first one that's coming to mind.
• 19:41
  Rebecca Olson: I don't say yes to an activity with my kids that I really don't want to do.
• 19:46
  Rebecca Olson: I love it.
• 19:47
  Rebecca Olson: And when it was when they were little, it was things like Candyland.
• 19:51
  Rebecca Olson: Hated Candyland.
• 19:52
  Rebecca Olson: Such a stupid I hated playing Candyland.
• 19:55
  Rebecca Olson: And or I've never been a make-believe parent.
• 19:58
  Rebecca Olson: Like I don't sit there and engage in make-believe play.
• 20:00
  Rebecca Olson: That's just not who I am.
• 20:02
  Rebecca Olson: So I almost never would have said yes to that.
• 20:05
  Rebecca Olson: No, my kids are a bit out of that stage.
• 20:07
  Rebecca Olson: But if I didn't want to do it and it didn't feel like with my children it was gonna fill me up, I would never do it for them.
• 20:16
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah.
• 20:16
  Michelle Gauthier: And I love that.
• 20:18
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm sure everybody's like now picturing something that they've done with their kids that they absolutely hate.
• 20:22
  Michelle Gauthier: My sister and I were talking about when our kids were littler, how our mom stayed home with us and she never played with us.
• 20:30
  Michelle Gauthier: And then there's this expectation now of moms that you like, I don't know, work all day, and then you come home and you get on the floor and you play with your kids, and we're like, mom never played with us, and look, we turned out just fine.
• 20:42
  Rebecca Olson: Never.
• 20:43
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, you don't have to do everything with them.
• 20:45
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, and then the second question is totally unrelated to work.
• 20:49
  Michelle Gauthier: What is something that you like are just into and really love right now?
• 20:53
  Rebecca Olson: One of my favorite things right now that's like really driving our family is we are watching all of the Marvel movies from start to finish.
• 21:01
  Rebecca Olson: So how funny night or yeah, we always have a Friday night movie night, but we've made it a Saturday night movie night too.
• 21:09
  Rebecca Olson: But like we're all really into it.
• 21:10
  Rebecca Olson: There's what is there, like 26 Marvel movies or something like that.
• 21:14
  Rebecca Olson: So literally starting from the first release on.
• 21:16
  Rebecca Olson: And we're just like super into it.
• 21:18
  Rebecca Olson: So it's the kids are loving it, and we're loving it too.
• 21:21
  Michelle Gauthier: So that is so fun.
• 21:22
  Michelle Gauthier: It's so much fun when your kids get to be the age that they watch movies that you also like.
• 21:26
  Michelle Gauthier: I like a lot of the kid cartoon ones, but like once, not absolutely.
• 21:31
  Michelle Gauthier: Oh my gosh.
• 21:32
  Michelle Gauthier: I'd watch things with my son, but it's usually like a stretch for me.
• 21:36
  Michelle Gauthier: It's not something that I would really want to watch.
• 21:38
  Michelle Gauthier: But if he asked me, if he asked me to do anything, he's 18.
• 21:41
  Michelle Gauthier: If he's, hey mom, will you sit on the couch with me and watch whatever?
• 21:44
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm like, I sure will.
• 21:45
  Michelle Gauthier: But my daughter and I have chosen a couple series over time.
• 21:48
  Michelle Gauthier: First Little House on the Prairie.
• 21:50
  Michelle Gauthier: There's 18 seasons of that or something.
• 21:52
  Michelle Gauthier: And then Gilmore Girls.
• 21:54
  Michelle Gauthier: And it's it has been one of my favorite memories because when you're all into it, it's just so much fun to be like, okay, let's hurry up and eat dinner and do our homework so we can watch this show.
• 22:04
  Michelle Gauthier: So that's so fun.
• 22:06
  Michelle Gauthier: I love that.
• 22:06
  Michelle Gauthier: That is great.
• 22:08
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so let's tell people where they can find you.
• 22:11
  Michelle Gauthier: And I think you have a special offer for us too.
• 22:13
  Michelle Gauthier: So, do you want to just tell the people all the things?
• 22:16
  Rebecca Olson: Ah, you're already a podcast listener, so you can head on over to listen to my podcast, which is ambitious and balanced working moms.
• 22:24
  Rebecca Olson: You can find that wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 22:26
  Rebecca Olson: And obviously, you could check me out on LinkedIn or on my website, Rebecca Olsoncoaching.com.
• 22:32
  Rebecca Olson: But really, what I want to focus on is this breakfree from stress strategy call.
• 22:36
  Rebecca Olson: I just walked to Michelle through it, actually, before we we hopped on this podcast episode, and this is a 30-minute one-on-one call with me where we are gonna talk about the things that you need to be prioritizing right now.
• 22:48
  Rebecca Olson: You get to talk that out with me.
• 22:50
  Rebecca Olson: We're gonna talk about the things that you don't want to be prioritizing right now, and essentially figure out exactly what you need to be doing in order to hold to your priorities.
• 22:59
  Rebecca Olson: So it's very tailored to you and your life and your challenges.
• 23:03
  Rebecca Olson: It starts with a custom quiz that you take that helps us understand where your mindset is at, and then I literally walk you through and draw out for you what your priorities are, what your boundaries are, and we're gonna get into the weeds of that.
• 23:15
  Rebecca Olson: I'd love to offer that to your listeners, and we will have a link to that in the show notes.
• 23:20
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, wonderful.
• 23:21
  Michelle Gauthier: That's amazing.
• 23:21
  Michelle Gauthier: And yes, it was super helpful to me, who does a lot of mindset work and is a coach.
• 23:25
  Michelle Gauthier: And I was like, oh yeah, that's a great point.
• 23:27
  Michelle Gauthier: I am doing that.
• 23:28
  Michelle Gauthier: I need to stop doing that and start doing this.
• 23:30
  Michelle Gauthier: So it was very helpful.
• 23:31
  Michelle Gauthier: And I think one-on-one time, you can get so much covered when you have a one-on-one session like that.
• 23:38
  Rebecca Olson: Yeah.
• 23:38
  Michelle Gauthier: That is great.
• 23:39
  Michelle Gauthier: We will put all those links in the show notes.
• 23:41
  Michelle Gauthier: And thank you so much for your fresh perspective.
• 23:44
  Michelle Gauthier: It's so great to hear and just hear someone else explain it.
• 23:47
  Michelle Gauthier: I love all the ways that you're describing it and the way that you coach your clients.
• 23:52
  Michelle Gauthier: So thank you so much for sharing with us.
• 23:54
  Michelle Gauthier: You are very welcome.
• 23:55
  Michelle Gauthier: It's a pleasure being here.
• 23:56
  Michelle Gauthier: Thanks for having me.
• 23:58
  Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
• 24:04
  Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
• 24:10
  Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.