Latest / Outspoken the Podcast / The Apology Tour

Transcript

The Apology Tour · Outspoken the Podcast

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the mums group you actually want
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: to be a part of. I'm Sophie Torber and I'm
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: joined by my sister and journalist Kate Torber. Now Kate,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: I have to throw you under the bus here because
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: you were humbled big time over the weekend. I'm still
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: angry at myself for even putting this out into the universe.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: It's so embarrassing because I was on a three-way conversation
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: with you and Amy and I was on the way
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: to Marion Shopping Centre, our local shopping centre, and I
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: was like, I feel like with those toddler tantrums and stuff,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: it kind of comes down to the parenting because I've
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: been seeing some TikToks popping up of other mums sharing
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: their toddler tantrums and I'm like, Jack doesn't do that. Now,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: mind you, Jack is turning two in June. So what
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: I wasn't ready for was that that was going to
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: slap me in the face instantly because I got to
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Marion and did he have a toddler tantrum the second
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: we entered the store and he saw something he wanted?
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I think the mistake that you've been making, and again,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: this is advice from someone who's only been a mum
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: for nine months, is that when we go to the
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: toy section, you'll hand him the toys and then say, oh,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: look at this, Jack. And then you'll expect him to
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: hand them back. But obviously he wants to keep them. Yeah. Well,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I've learned a new tip from mum. So mum actually
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: said to him the other day, because he's obsessed with
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hot Wheels at the moment, and they're only $ 2. So
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: you're kind of like, oh, maybe I'll just buy it.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: And mum's like, no, we'll find a better one. And
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: then he's like, better?
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Better.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: He keeps repeating the word better and it actually works
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: at the moment. That is an experienced mum there. You
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: can tell that she's had triplets. We're also dealing with
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: a little bit of jealousy, which I think is a
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: toddler trait as well. So every time Luca and I
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: arrive at our parents' place and Jack is there happily
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: playing on the mat with his toys, he literally yells,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: no way, no way, no way. Yuck, Luca, yuck, Luca.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: But it's funny because I can tell he actually does
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: really love him deep down. Oh yeah. I mean, today
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: we were together and he was trying to hold Luca's hand.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: It's all over toys. Like they just don't understand sharing
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: at this age. I don't think it clicks for quite
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: a while. But it's funny though, because when he sees
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: his cousins, he goes, cars, share, but then proceeds to
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: not share them. Well, he's still only one. He's trying
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: to get his mind around the concept of sharing. He's
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: not quite there yet. I don't think many toddlers are.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I had a bit of a tough weekend too because
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: it was my first weekend solo parenting because my husband
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: was away on a box weekend. So he was away
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: for two nights and I really wanted him to enjoy
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: himself because I know that we've got a trip coming
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: up and we're going to be away. So I was like, oh,
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I don't want to lay on too much guilt. I
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: want him to have a nice time. So I was
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: trying to play it cool. But for some reason, I
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: literally felt like I was going to burst into tears
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: about half an hour before he left. And I kept
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: it together right until he shut the door and said goodbye.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: And then I literally went to burst into tears. And
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: the way that my house is set up, we have
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: this little side balcony. So we've got these two sliding
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: doors that have glass, so they're see-through. Anyway, so I
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: was walking with Luca up towards these glass doors. And
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: then out of nowhere, Brandon appeared on the balcony because
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: he'd forgotten something. And I was literally just about to
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: be like, what? And just like completely cry. And I
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: saw him and somehow just turned away, put a smile
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: on my face and bye, have a nice time. That
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: was me when Rhys went on a work trip for
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: three nights. It was in Sydney. And I felt like
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: that was even worse because at least with Brandon, he
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: was an hour up the road. But there's something about
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: having that amount of distance between you and your husband
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: when you have a baby. And yeah, I cried as
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: soon as he left. And I mean, I was resentful
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: and that was a work trip that he couldn't get
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: out of. I don't know how I would have gone
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: with a buck's trip. If we didn't have our own
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: girls trip locked in in a couple of months time
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to see Hilary Duff, I don't think I would have
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: been as cool about it. But I've had that in
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: the back of my mind. I think it was particularly
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: tough on you because your husband works from home. So
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: you guys have this sort of shift thing going where
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: one of you will do the morning shift and then
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: you'll rotate. Well, he's actually just got a new job.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: So he's going to be in the office more. So
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I think I'm kissing goodbye my little mini sleep ins
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: that I'd have because now I think I'm on permanent
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: morning shift, which isn't fun. But yeah, we would just
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: take it in turns and rotate. It was so good.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: It cracks me up how you and Brandon refer to
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Luca's weight windows as shifts. I mean, the work lingo
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: continues because you often message us and say, oh, hang on,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Luca's down on his lunch break and talking about him
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: going down for a nap. I think it's because I
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: try and get work done when he's napping. So that's
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: why I'm like, oh, it's his lunch break. I'm going
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: to get my shit done. And it turns out- It
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: was your lunch break, really. Well, yeah. It turns out
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not the only one who speaks in this lingo though, because-
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: UK influencer Molly May and her fiancé Tommy Fury do
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: the exact same thing. So in a recent vlog, they
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: spoke about how they share the workload. Let's have a listen.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: What's going on here? Can you even see me?
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: What is going on in here?
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Look at this, everybody. Rise and shine to you too. No,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: not yet. Not yet. You can do the first shift. Ah,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: first shift. I've got to go and pump some iron. Look, look,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: look at your mother, Bamba. To be fair, though, it
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: seems like they're getting quite a bit of sleep because
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: they admitted in this vlog that they still nap when
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: their daughter Bambi naps. Now, to put that into perspective,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: she's three years old. You should never feel bad to
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: any parents out there.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: When your toddler is sleeping or any baby's out there,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: when they're asleep, go away and shut your eyes. LAUGHTER
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: For the love of God.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Shut your eyes. It helps everyone involved. It does. But
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: some parents, which we're about to experience, when Bambi loses
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: her nap and the baby is sleeping.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Well, then Armageddon takes place.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: What does that mean?
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: It means the end of the world.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's something that all the experts say, when
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: you have a newborn nap, when your newborn naps, that's
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: how you'll catch up on sleep. But that theory is
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: in place because you're generally not getting much sleep overnight.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's an interesting one. I would actually hate
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: to have a nap during the day. I feel like
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I'd wake up all groggy and just not know where
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: I was or what was going on. And I utilize
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: that time, as I said, either to work or to
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: get prepared for the next wake window. It would be
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: the absolute dream to nap when my son naps, but
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: I get it. You would feel groggy. I also like
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: the option a lot of people do, which is bed
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: rotting while their children are asleep. I think that's great.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: The thing with Tommy and Molly is they're due to
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: have a second baby. So their shift system is going
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: to look a lot different. Because when you've got one kid,
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: you can share the shifts. Whereas when you have two,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: you don't get to clock off. Your shifts just involve
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: different children. It's all about dividing and conquering at that point. Well,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: on the topic of naps, TikToker Chrissy Sang has taken
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: a playful swipe at a mom creator called Dana, who
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: claims she doesn't look forward to her children napping. Let's
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: take a listen.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: I saw a mom creator on here talking about how
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: she doesn't look forward to her children napping.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: She doesn't look forward to their bedtime. Okay.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Her whole thing was like, our life is just easy
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: because our kids are just.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Okay. Okay. Okay.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: My child's waking up from a 30 minute nap. I
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: want to cry. I've just been laying on my bed full,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: just warm. I love him. I can't wait for him
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: to nap. I can't wait for bedtime.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Do you want to know why?
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Mama's off the clock. Mama's off the clock. I've got
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: a lot of thoughts about this and so did the internet.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: So one person wrote, if you don't need a break
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: from your kids, you're not spending enough time with them.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Now that comment got over 3000 likes. Another said, I
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: love my boys with my whole soul, but their bedtime
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: is my me time that I desperately need. I really
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: felt this and I don't think that there should be
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: any guilt associated with you looking forward to some time
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: to yourself because all day you are generally pouring from
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: an empty cup and that cup goes into your child
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: and making sure that you're feeding them at the right times,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: that you're giving them the right foods, that they're having
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: a fun wake windows, that they're doing fun activities. And
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: it is exhausting. And I would be lying if I
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: didn't say that I, in my head, once my son
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: is up from his afternoon nap, I literally count down
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: the hours until it's seven o'clock and I can sit
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: on the couch with my fridge cigarette and just chill
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: out and watch some vlogs or watch some TV with
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: my husband and have something to eat. Now your fridge cigarette,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: that's a Coke Zero, isn't it?
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: It has to be in my anthropology cup with some ice.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: There's absolutely pure bliss. Those who know about those cups
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: will know. The thing is, it's funny because I spend
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: most of my time when I'm finally sat on the
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: couch looking at cute photos of my son throughout the day.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And I notice all three of us will send the
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: cute photos to our family chat. I'll wistfully look at
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: the baby monitor and think, oh my God, he's so cute.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: He's the love of my life. I can't wait to
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: see him in the morning. And then suddenly he'll roll
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: in his cot. And I'm like, please, please stay asleep.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, when you are the primary caregiver and the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: majority of your day is spent at home with your child,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: it's only natural. Like I've had jobs where I love
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: the jobs, but am I glad to go home and
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: rest at the end of the day? Like, of course
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I am. And I mean, some days I feel like
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I am Miss Rachel on a 12 hour shift and,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: you know, being on the whole time is very draining
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: and And I find it particularly difficult because I'm a
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: no-screen time mum and I've been doing that for nearly
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: two years.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: So.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that means that my son wants to have books read
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: to him all the time, or I'm narrating my day
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: or I'm playing cars. And a lot of energy goes
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: into that. And by the end of the day, I'm
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: absolutely exhausted. So I think it's only natural to look
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: forward to having a rest. It's nothing to do with
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: your child. I mean, Originally, when Jack was 15 months
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: and it was coming up to dropping his morning nap
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: and going down to one nap a day, I was like,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: oh God, how am I ever going to cope? And
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I actually love having that big wake window with him.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: We can go and do stuff. But then of course,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: by one o'clock when I put him down for my nap,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to that because it's a time for
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: me just to unwind, to go to the toilet by myself.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything quite like the terror that
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: rushes over your body when when your child looks like
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: they're set to wake up from their nap early and
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: you just feel so ripped off, you're like, I deserve
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: this time. I deserve this break. And I feel like
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I'm jinxing it right now because we are recording this
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: during our son's naps breaks. So if you flagged with
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: me recently that I will have to enjoy Jack's naps
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: while I can, because apparently at around two and a half,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: some kids give up their nap. And I was like, what? Like,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: what am I going to do? And obviously the way
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: TikTok works, it somehow knows what you're thinking, what you're
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: talking about, because my algorithm started serving me content where
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: people were going through the experience of having their kids
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: give up their nap. And some people were saying that
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: they now just introduce quiet time in the room. So
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: basically what used to be their nap time is they
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: just put their kid in their room and dim the
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: light and just leave them in there to do whatever
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: they want. That's quite a good idea. I mean, If
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: you think about at school, after lunchtime, you'd have relaxation time.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Is it sort of similar to that? Yeah, it's mummy's
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: relaxation time. I want to know how the mums group
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: listeners spend their kids' nap time. We'll put a thread
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: in our Facebook community and I would love people to
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: be totally honest. Are you just spending the time scrolling?
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: Are you being productive? What do you do?
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I would like to formally apologise to every mum when
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: I have said We all have the same 24 hours
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: in the day.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: No, heck we don't. Kate, have you heard of the
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: term apology tour? I have, and I have been a
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: happy receiver of several apology tours, namely from you and Amy. Yeah.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: So for those who haven't heard of this concept, it's
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: basically when you become a parent, you go on an
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: apology tour to all of your friends who have kids
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: and even your parents, because you finally grasp the what
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: they've been going through and how all consuming and relentless
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: parenting can be. Because I don't think you truly get
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: it until you experience it firsthand. I mean, I remember
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: saying on Outspoken, I think when I was pregnant or
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: right before I was about to get pregnant, that, you know,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: people without kids are just as tired as those with kids.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: And you were talking saying, oh, I'm so tired. And
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: I think Amy and I got our backs up and
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: we were like, we work hard too and we're tired.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: And That wasn't popular with a lot of parents. And
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I'm sort of kicking myself for making that statement. And
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: the best bit is we've got that on the record.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: It's aired on Outspoken. We can go back and listen
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: to it so you can cringe over it. It was
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: so funny. I think I sent it to you the
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: other day. There was this TikTok where a woman said
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: that she wanted to throat punch herself for saying that
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: she was tired before she had a baby. I want
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: to put it out there that people without kids, of course,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: can be tired. I mean, there's people who have chronic illnesses.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: There's people who do shift work. of course you are tired.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: And I don't think it should be a competition who
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: is more tired, but I really think that having kids
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: is a different type of tired that you don't understand
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: until you experience it firsthand. Because if you don't have kids,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: you have an opportunity to catch up on rest. Like
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: you can completely clock off. You're not always watching the monitor.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: You're not thinking about it. You can have a sleep
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: in if the weekend rolls around, you can jump into
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: bed and prioritize your rest. But when you have kids,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: you are constantly on, particularly if you have a newborn baby. Yeah.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: And I think a big part of it is not
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: having any autonomy over your life, particularly in those early stages.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: It's like you no longer have the freedom to go
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: do whatever you want. And there is a real mental
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: burden that comes with that. It was funny. I was
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: listening to an episode of the Kick Bump podcast, which
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: is hosted by influencers Steph Clare Smith and Laura Henshaw. Now,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Steph Clare Smith became a mother five years ago and
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: her best friend, Laura, who's also her business partner, has
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: just had a baby. And you can tell that quite
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: rightfully so, Steph was having a massive whinge about Laura
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: to her husband and how much freedom that she had
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: in comparison to them. Because Laura was talking about a
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: reason why she was a little bit on the fence
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: about having a baby was that she didn't want to
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: let go of this part of her that could go
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: and do things sporadically. And she said it was ridiculous that,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: you know, going to sporadic dinners was actually stopping her
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: from having a baby. Let's take a listen to more
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: of what went down. I reckon Dalton and I sporadically
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: went out for dinner three times last year. Like it's
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: not even, maybe more? Do you reckon more?
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: I feel like before, I only know this because Josh
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: and I were like always talking about how fucking different
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: your lives were two hours before you, like probably for
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: the year before you guys got pregnant. Maybe it was
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: like slightly before that or whatever.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: You guys were like spontaneously training into the city. You
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: were like randomly going for runs, like literally whenever you wanted,
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: going to the gym. You went to like, you did
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: yoga like five days a week at one point. And
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: then also your runs and like was training for a marathon.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Like you had so much freedom to do everything for yourself.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Yes, very true.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: So it's funny that you still, you reflect and you
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: don't really feel like you did much. Because you literally
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: almost every day did something.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Very true. It's very true. Very good point. It's really
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: hard because I don't want to be that person who
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: is jealous, but I find myself being that with a
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: lot of friends who don't have kids. And I hated it, Kate,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: when you would be that just you wait person. But
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: I find myself finding such delight in in saying that
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: about people who are about to have kids. And I'm like,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: why am I being this miserable person? It's actually awful.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I have even found myself doing it with influencers that
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: I watch who are really romanticizing having a baby and
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: they're like, oh yes, the baby will just have to
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: fit around my lifestyle and it will sleep when I
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: sleep or do that. And I'm like, fuck me, that's
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: not going to work. Like you're in for a bit
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: of a fall. I think a part of it is
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: because we were all delusional before having children. Like I'm
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: sure we all said exactly the same things. And it's
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: more this anger at your old self, this different version
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: of you that you're like, how was I that stupid?
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's necessarily directed at the other person.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: It's funny because when I heard Steph Clare Smith go
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: off about it, I was like, oh, You know, when
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: it sort of like became really apparent what the conversations
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: would have been like behind Laura's back. And I'll be honest,
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: those were the conversation I was having with my husband
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: behind your and Amy's back. We were always like, oh,
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: they'll get it soon. Like it's going to hit them
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: like a ton of bricks, but they'll get it. I
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: get it, babe. I get it now. The other day
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: you actually said to me, Kate, I can't believe you
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: didn't complain more because Amy and I, you know, we
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: weren't having to do what you were doing and you
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: really didn't complain that much. You could have complained more.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I think I actually said you were a bit of
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: a bitch last year, but I would have been a
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: bigger bitch. Look, I mean, the thing is, it actually
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: makes me really regret not properly checking in on friends
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: who had kids before me, because again, I just didn't
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: get what they were going through. And I didn't get
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: why they weren't free or why they couldn't just leave
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: their kids with their husbands. And like, you start to think, well,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: why aren't I more of a priority in this friendship?
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And when you then understand what they were going through,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: you're like, well, rightly so that their small family was
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: their priority. See, I was the first now close friendship
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: group to have a baby. And it was so isolating because,
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, I only found out recently you actually created
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: a separate group chat without me called The Dinks. where
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: you and Amy and some of our friends would organize catch-ups.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: And I just felt so left out and no one
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: was on my schedule. Like no one wanted to meet
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: up with me for the hour that I had free.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: No one wanted to drive in the car with me
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: to help my son wake up. And now that you
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: guys have experienced the other side of it, I know
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: you feel pretty bad.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I mean, again, this is probably why I am on
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: the apology tour at the moment because of my past
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: bad behavior. And I do feel really bad about it.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I made up that group called Dinks and probably not
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: the best name, but I made it up because I
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: actually didn't want you to feel excluded and as if
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: we were rubbing these things in your face. But I
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: felt more excluded because it's not like I even had
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to say that I couldn't go to something.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: It was like you weren't even invited. Again, upon reflection,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: it probably wasn't a good move, but I think it
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: just plays into the fact that I didn't get what
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: was going on. And I think one of the most
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: beautiful things about becoming a mum is this instantaneous connection
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: and sense of belonging that you have with other mums.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I mean, when I see other mums now at the
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: shopping centre or out on a walk, I feel like
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: you just give each other this knowing smile and you're like,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: you get it, don't you? And you're like, you kind
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: of smile at them to be like, I acknowledge you.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I can see you because all I see now is
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: mums when I'm out and about. And it's not even
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: just new mums or mums with young kids. It's women
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: whose kids are probably our age now. And they are
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: just the nicest people. Like they are always the first
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to come and help you, to open the door, to
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: pick something up if it drops out of the pram.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: And it is really lovely to have that community because
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: it's sad. I mean, I really didn't notice mums out
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: and about before. I think we were talking, Sophie, when
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: you first had Luca, about how you feel invisible to
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: males when you're walking with a pram but you feel
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: so visible to females who have had children. Yeah, I
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: remember profusely apologising. to this older woman because I was
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: trying to move my pram out of her way and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: she stopped me and looked in my eyes and said,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: do not apologize. You were doing a fantastic job. I
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: know exactly what this is like. I've had kids before
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: and I've just come across the most lovely women who
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: are just so supportive and And I think them seeing
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: you experiencing motherhood for the first time really brings them
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: back to their early days. And, yeah, it's just this
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: special connection. Now that I'm further into it and I'm
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: sort of approaching my son turning one, which is even
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: wild to say, I just feel this deep connection to
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: any newborn mum who I see on the street. I
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: almost just want to rush over and give them a
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: hug or help them because, you know, if you spot
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: like a bassinet, you're like, okay, that's a very young
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: baby in there. And I think the thing is like
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: you see them and you just see this massive life
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: upheaval that they're currently going through because not only they're
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: experiencing this huge crash in hormones, they're going through this
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: huge identity crisis as well. And I just think they're
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: all trying to hold it together and discover this new
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: person that they are. And you're like, you're doing so well.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: You're doing well. It's funny. It must be a byproduct
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: of seeing people present their highlight reels on social media
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: because Often when I see other mums out and about,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I look at them and think, God, you've got it together. Like,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: it looks like you know what you're doing. Like, why
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: do I not feel that confidence exuding from myself? Do
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: you ever get that? Sometimes when I see the mums
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: in their matching sets and they've got their headphones in
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: and they, yeah, they look really polished. And then I'm
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: there with like vomit all over my jumper and my
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: hair not washed and just looking like a mess. I'm like, wow.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: I think I need to invest in some more clothes
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: to look like I've got my shit together. I think
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: it's all a bit of a facade. It's not even
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: so much about what they're wearing. I think it's just
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: the vibe that they put out there. But it's probably me, again,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: just looking at 10 seconds of their life where their
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: baby's not crying and thinking, oh, why can't I be
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: like that? Why can't I be calm? Why have I
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: got sweat dripping off me walking through this supermarket thinking
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I've got to put my kid down for their nap
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: in 30 minutes and how am I going to do it?
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Let's get into our recommendations for the week. And mine
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: is to make the most of the delay start feature
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: on your washing machine. I saw this all over mum talk.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: People were saying it's the ultimate mum hack. And I
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: have to admit, it is really good. I've never tried
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: it before. Basically, if you're the type of mum like
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: me who gets this burst of energy and puts a
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: load of washing on, only to realize that I actually
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: don't have time to hang it out. And then by
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: the time I do, it stinks. This will really help you.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: So basically, if you get up in the morning, put
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: a load of washing on and you can go, okay,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I'll set it to be finished in five hours, which
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: lines up with their nap time. And it just means
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: that you're reminded when it actually suits you that the
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: washing is done and you have time to hang it out.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: It's just been super helpful. It seems so simple. Well,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I'm in this real transitional phase with Luca because ever
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: since he was born, he's obviously been in onesies. And
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: now that he is approaching one, I'm like, I need
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: to get him some cute winter stuff that's matching tracksuits
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: and get him into pants. And if you are on
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: a tight budget, Big W literally has an absolute bargain.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: So I bought him these cute matching tracksuits. They were
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: only $ 8 for two pieces. So you've got the jumper
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: and the pants for $ 8 and they come in such
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: a cute variety of colors. So I think he will
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: be living in them come winter time. Best and Less
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: has some really cute ones too. They are a little
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: bit more expensive though, which surprised me. I can back
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: up those dimple ones are good. That's literally all Jack
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: wore over winter last year. And he still fits in
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: some of them now. And they wash really well, surprisingly
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: for the price. I had so much fun looking at
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: best and less as well, because they've got their new
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Easter range there. And there were these little onesies that
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: had hot cross buns all over them. They're absolutely adorable.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: So I definitely check them out too, because the price
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: point is just really good. Well, I can't wait to
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: see Luca and all his matching trackies. I feel like
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: they look so much older when you get them out
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: of the onesies and into their outfits. See, I want
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: to come back at you guys with something because I
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: think it was one of our first episodes. We had
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: a debate about grow suits, whether they're pajamas or whether
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: they're appropriate for kids to get around in. And we
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: put up the clip on TikTok and so many people
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: were like, what's a grow suit? And I have to say, like,
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: I just call them onesies as well. I think the
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: grow suits very 90s. I think it came from our mom. Yeah,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I think Amy kept pushing the word grow suit and
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: it does come from mum. I've never heard the term
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: used by anyone else. I definitely say onesie as well.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: So I think maybe that video inadvertently rage baited a
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: lot of people because I think they were like, what
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: the hell is a grow suit? I don't understand what
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: you're talking about. Well, that is where we're going to
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: leave things today. But before we go, if I can
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: ask for a big favour, can you please make sure
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: you are following the mums group on Spotify, Apple or
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your podcasts? We have been dropping
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: these episodes in the Outspoken feed, but that is not
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: going to last forever. So we would really appreciate it
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: if you can follow the Mums group in its own feed. Also,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: if you have time, please leave us a review. We
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: would love to hear what you think about the podcast.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: Oh God, I shouldn't have looked at some of the reviews.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: There seems to be someone who's very offended by the
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: fact that when I was in the newborn trenches, like
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: literally the first couple of days of my son's life,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: that I left the pad on for too long. I mean,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: sorry about that. Sorry if I was deep in the
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: pits of, you know, newborn life. So sorry. Don't listen. Anyway,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: there's a bit of mum rage for you. Sophie is
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: notoriously the one out of the three of us that
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: will always look at the reviews and focus on the
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: negative ones. So many people have left really nice reviews.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: So thank you for all of those. And Sophie, we
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: gave you a pep talk before this podcast. We said,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: if you think pop culture is divides opinions. Wait until
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: you talk about motherhood topics. So I think it's just
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: an instance where someone had a completely different experience to
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: you and they changed their pad quite frankly. I think so.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I actually think that I have been shamed and I
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: would like to say that it's mum shaming because I mean, again,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: we're coming to this podcast with raw stories and if
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: you want people to open up, don't slam them in
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: the reviews. Look, unfortunately, mum shaming is just part and
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: parcel of sharing your motherhood journey online, I think. And
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: on that note, that is where we're going to leave
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: things today. Thank you again for listening. This podcast was
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: recorded on the traditional land of the Kaurna people of
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: the Adelaide Plains. We pay respect to elders past and present.