Latest / Secrets They'll Only Tell a Matchmaker with Gina Hendrix / When Should You Sleep with Him

Transcript

When Should You Sleep with Him · Secrets They'll Only Tell a Matchmaker with Gina Hendrix

0:03
Welcome to Secrets from a Billionaire's Matchmaker with
0:06
matchmaker Gina Hendricks. Hey there, Gina Hendricks here.
0:13
Your favorite? Matchmaker Oh, I love to talk
0:17
about love and dating and matchmaking and men and women
0:20
and what we do right and wrong. But today specifically, we're
0:23
talking about how to communicate your pace when it comes to
0:27
physical intimacy without feeling like you have to over
0:30
explain yourself. Something I hear from women all
0:33
the time is I like this guy, but I don't want to move too fast
0:36
physically. So how do you handle that
0:38
situation? Today we're going to mix it up.
0:41
I have my special guest, Matt Boggs, who has a huge following,
0:46
and he's all about cracking the man code.
0:49
That is his thing, OK. And so I am going to mix it up
0:53
today. So you're going to hear my
0:55
interview with Matt Boggs mixed in with questions from my
0:58
ladies. And Matt's going to share what
1:00
men actually respect when a woman communicates clear
1:03
standards. And also, as you know, just
1:06
reminding you, I'm always protecting everybody's privacy.
1:10
So you'll hear things that feel like they're blurred out because
1:13
they are blurred out. I'm protecting everybody's
1:16
privacy. And if you ever want to join me
1:18
live, e-mail us at teamgina@ginahendrix.com and
1:23
then get your questions ready. And you can always e-mail them
1:25
to us too. But if you want to start joining
1:28
in my live power hours so that you can be one of these ladies
1:32
that asks these questions and gets my real response, then
1:36
always feel free to e-mail us. OK, what are we waiting for?
1:41
Let's do this and get into this first question.
1:43
In a place in my life where I'm not I don't want to have a
1:49
physical relationship with a man I don't really know and trust
1:53
because I I am worth protecting my feelings and that's something
1:57
where before I was not as protective as of myself and I
2:01
would do more things to have the relationship be good for the
2:05
guy. But then if left me in a really
2:09
vulnerable place. I think that you should, you
2:12
know, for those women that want to sleep with somebody right
2:15
away or they feel like they don't get attached, great.
2:17
Do that as long as you're not going to get your feelings hurt.
2:21
The majority of women sleep with men and move that along to more
2:24
of a sexual, the sexual intimacy part because they think it's
2:28
going to advance the relationship.
2:30
But men don't work that way. Men can kiss you, make out with
2:35
you, have sex with you. And it's they, they're not,
2:38
you're not advancing their feelings for you.
2:40
You're not advancing anything. They're, they're disconnected in
2:43
that way. So, so for as a woman, we should
2:46
protect ourselves because even you know, me, if, if I were
2:50
going to get intimate with somebody, I would have to tell
2:54
them, Hey, listen, you know, this is fun and great and I'm
2:56
totally attracted to you, but I don't, I'm not going to have,
3:02
I'm not going to, there's a line where I'm not going to have sex
3:06
or be intimate in that way until I'm in a committed relationship.
3:10
And I, and I'm going to, I'm going to round this conversation
3:13
out. This is a full conversation with
3:14
a guy. I would say, and you know, and
3:16
I'm not saying that you're the one or we should be exclusive.
3:19
I'm not saying any of that. I don't know you that well yet.
3:21
I want to take some time. My point is, I want to take some
3:24
time to get to know you because when I do sleep with someone, I
3:27
want it to be an exclusive, authentic relationship, which
3:31
takes time. And and you just tell him that
3:34
and you don't ask his permission and you don't say.
3:36
How do you feel about that? That is your statement.
3:38
And then he can do with that what he wants.
3:40
I find that if a man is truly into you and he likes you more,
3:44
sees more potential than just sex, he's going to stick around.
3:48
He's going to invest his time. But for those guys that just see
3:52
this as a one and done or a quick conquest, they they're not
3:57
going to stick around. And that's great.
4:00
You have now just prequalified quickly like I like to do.
4:04
And also in terms of, you know, the sexual side, some men will
4:08
be with a woman for the great sex and it could seem like a
4:12
real relationship to the woman, while it's mostly a sexual
4:17
relationship to the guy. And depending on where the guy
4:21
in is in his life, like if it's somebody that's kind of
4:23
divorced, not really looking to be with a with to get married
4:27
again or to live with someone again, you know, the
4:32
relationship relationship could just be about sex for them, but
4:35
it could be about a whole relationship for the woman.
4:38
So that's something where it's tricky.
4:40
And then when I've said that to men about waiting, I've made it
4:44
sound like it's about me. And it's not always good to own
4:49
things and say it's about you, but to say what you want because
4:54
I've said I got too attached. But that's almost giving because
4:57
you don't really know the guy. You don't know what they're
4:59
going to do with that vulnerable information about you.
5:02
And it also makes you seem like a woman that might be too icky
5:05
poo. Like I like this.
5:07
I don't like that I want it. This one, you know, like but
5:10
like when you say I want to wait until we get to know each other
5:14
better before it becomes physical.
5:17
And you could leave it like at that because that might be all
5:20
they need to know, like. Yeah, I think.
5:22
I think sometimes we feel like we have to.
5:25
Over explain. And keep, you know, and I think
5:28
there's a point where we just need to stop talking.
5:30
We just tell them. Hey listen, I'm looking for.
5:32
You know, an authentic relationship and it takes time
5:34
to get to know somebody and you know, and that's that's you
5:39
know, that's I'm waiting for and that's it.
5:41
That's a statement. It's not like and how do you
5:44
feel about that? I hope that's OK with you.
5:47
Let me know what you think. No, no, no, no, no, You just
5:50
tell him how you feel and he'll tell you how he thinks or feels
5:53
about it regardless. But you know, and in that
5:55
moment, he may go along with it. And I've had scenarios probably
5:58
where that's happened when I didn't know better.
6:00
If I look back on on young Gina and he'll go, Oh, sure, I
6:03
totally. And then he, but he's still
6:05
trying to push the boundary. He's his.
6:07
Words have said that. Oh, sure, I agree.
6:10
Oh, yeah. But then his actions are still
6:12
pushing the boundary as if he didn't hear the words.
6:15
And then he's just, he's he's telling you with his actions
6:19
that he, he cares more about what he wants than what you
6:23
want. You know what I mean?
6:24
You want somebody who listens to you and understands and respects
6:27
and and again, it does take time to get to know somebody.
6:31
All right, ladies, I'm not going to make you wait any longer.
6:33
Let's bring on my special guest, Matt Boggs.
6:36
He's a best selling author of Project Everlasting and the
6:39
creator of Cracking the Man Code.
6:41
As a highly sought after dating coach and relationship expert,
6:44
Matt has appeared in national media ventures such as The Day
6:47
Today Show, CNN Headline News, Oprah and friends, ABC, as well
6:52
as share the stage with industry leaders such as John Gray, who
6:55
I've had here with me a cup of either last time or the time
6:59
before I can't remember, Allison Armstrong, Ariel Ford and many
7:02
more. Matt, tell these ladies what
7:05
should they do if they want to get into a long term
7:07
relationship. If you're wanting to get into a
7:10
long term relationship with a man.
7:12
Now if you're not, you just want to have fun, then choose
7:14
whatever you want. But if you want a long term
7:15
relationship with a man, save sex until after he is
7:20
emotionally committed to you to be in a monogamous relationship.
7:25
Because there's something that happens in a man's biochemistry
7:28
that's different than a woman's biochemistry.
7:30
And again, these are generalizations, so there's
7:32
always exceptions to the rule. But generally speaking, after he
7:36
emotionally commits and then he sleeps with you, the love
7:40
deepens the all the attachment hormones increase.
7:44
But the crazy thing is, the opposite happens.
7:47
I just saw your video on that, I loved it.
7:49
Yes. If you sleep too early, if he
7:51
hasn't emotionally committed to you and you guys sleep together,
7:54
all his attachment hormones plummet, which is why men pull
7:58
away. They want it.
7:59
They and the challenge is many women, your attachment hormones
8:02
skyrocket. So it's the opposite experience
8:04
and that becomes very painful. So save sex till after he's
8:08
emotionally committed and you are emotionally committed.
8:11
Irene did that and I did that. We was together.
8:13
We were, you know, that was what we chose to do.
8:15
I will say, you know one thing the ladies seem to get confused
8:19
about are their boundaries around sex and when to have sex.
8:26
Ladies, you control the sexual pace of the relationship.
8:30
Let him control the emotional pace and make sure that they are
8:34
aligned. So in other words, you're not
8:35
having sex until he's emotionally connected to you and
8:39
willing to commit, and he's talking to you about it.
8:43
So this is about you having. So how do you know if you're
8:46
emotionally open and available? The number one thing is he's
8:50
verbalizing. I don't want to see anybody
8:51
else. I just want to see you, right?
8:53
He's verbalized that he's asking you for that.
8:56
Number two, you have a shared vision for what you both want,
9:00
maybe not even with each other yet, like but you know he's and
9:04
it's a clear vision. He sees himself married, he sees
9:07
himself living with somebody sharing space.
9:10
He and, and you have your vision, he has his and they're
9:13
aligned #3 you guys have talked about your values.
9:16
We go vision and values. You've talked about the what you
9:19
value most and you guys are aligned on your most important
9:22
values on faith and family and fitness and health and how you
9:27
spend your time. All of those things that matter
9:29
to you, the relationships, the way you want to communicate.
9:32
You guys align on those things. And then once you are get
9:37
through those layers, you'll know whether or not he's
9:40
emotionally available. He's leaning in because the
9:42
other thing that you see, this isn't something that I believe
9:45
you can really get done in six weeks.
9:49
And some women are like, well, but because what you need is you
9:53
need consistency over time because anyone can talk a good
9:56
game for six dates, but you want you want to see consistency over
10:01
time because the avoidant attachment style is real.
10:05
And what that is, is somebody love bombing you, being the best
10:08
boyfriend you've ever had for six weeks.
10:11
And the moment things get really emotionally intimate, where the
10:15
two of you are going to say, like, I love you is that they
10:18
will freak out and they will pull back because they have an
10:21
old wound, usually their mom or dad who wasn't there for them.
10:25
And they never healed it. They never dealt with it.
10:27
And so anytime something gets too close, that old wound
10:31
triggers. They don't even know this.
10:32
They're not even conscious of this.
10:34
And they'll find all kinds of faults and reasons with the
10:36
relationship. And they're out and they just
10:38
shut down. I had a woman that was in my
10:40
program and she, she met this guy and he was different than
10:45
any other guy she had dated previously.
10:47
And but he every time they'd go out, he'd make a date for the
10:50
next date and the next date and it went really.
10:53
Fast and and I think. After like four or five dates,
10:57
he wanted to be exclusive. And I said, I think you need to
10:59
slow this thing down. But he kept showing up and he
11:02
kept asking and he kept asking for exclusivity and well, you
11:06
know, and finally she gave in, slept with him, got exclusive
11:09
and then. Exactly what you're saying.
11:11
Happened So can you just give us the actual words because I'm
11:16
giving the ladies all the time words and and certainly things
11:19
to say, but I'd love your perspective and give them the
11:21
actual words to have on on how to communicate their boundaries.
11:27
There's a big part of me that would love to kiss you right now
11:31
and I'm reserving that for when and then speak your standard.
11:35
So if it's a kiss, say, there's a big part of me that would love
11:38
to kiss you right now. And I'm reserving that for when
11:40
I've been on a few more dates with somebody and you know each
11:43
other better. I would love to sleep with you
11:45
or I would love to sleep with you.
11:47
However, I'm reserving that for when we're both in a monogamous
11:51
relationship and we both can feel like we love each other.
11:55
OK, so Matt, hang on just a second.
11:57
We're going to get back to you because you have such great
11:59
things to say. But let me take this question
12:01
because I think we're all going to enjoy it.
12:03
At what point do you think it is appropriate for a woman over a
12:08
certain age to offer to start paying for dates?
12:10
Like I think like dinner, not an escort, but dinner or you know,
12:14
whatever. I knew.
12:15
I knew. I knew what you.
12:16
Meant an escort. That's hilarious.
12:19
We're taking this show on the road, folks.
12:21
I don't really. Think that a woman should be
12:23
paying for dinner? To be honest with you, unless
12:25
maybe you're dating the guy and you're in a boyfriend,
12:27
girlfriend relationship, but it's a relationship, then it's
12:30
like you guys should be doing, you know, kind of for each
12:35
other, But it depends on the nature of the relationship.
12:38
Because like, you know, I know plenty of women who are dating a
12:42
like, as one of my, like my guys and I, I can't even imagine her
12:47
ever paying for anything. I, I just, I can't imagine.
12:50
I mean, offering is nice, you know, offering never hurts, you
12:54
know, manners and offering, but I wouldn't even offer in the
12:56
very beginning. But if you've gone on, you know,
12:59
several dates, like, Hey, can I get the drinks or hey, can I get
13:02
the dessert? Or, you know, you can always
13:04
offer and then he'll say yes or no, but never be pushy about it.
13:08
Never say, Hey, I've got I'm treating tonight, I've got
13:11
dinner, you know, because you can you can be you can do for
13:14
him in other ways like you and you can say, you know, Hey,
13:18
let's you know what? You've always wanted to go to
13:20
that. You mentioned this like you love
13:22
this baseball team or whatever. I got us tickets.
13:25
You know, you can do things like this.
13:26
You can do other things for him. That's not overtly like I'm
13:31
taking care of our dinner date tonight type of thing.
13:33
You know, let him lead. I know it sounds like old
13:36
fashioned, but I can't help it. It never that never changes
13:39
about the dynamics between men and women for the most part.
13:43
OK, so Matt, let's dive more into the minds of men.
13:47
A man's greatest desire to have his thoughts respected, the
13:51
other side of that coin is his greatest fear, and that is
13:54
inadequacy. So what will happen is men, if
13:58
they don't feel adequate, are more than happy.
14:01
In other words, adequate. Meaning this, if you ask him to
14:05
plan a date or you ask him to do a particular task and he does it
14:09
and it's met with criticism or feedback that it just didn't hit
14:14
the mark, feedback that it wasn't quite enough.
14:16
And that happens enough. What'll happen is every man will
14:19
slip back into, OK, I want you to be happy.
14:23
It's his highest operating system in a relationship.
14:26
And so for you to be happy, then you do it like you plan the
14:30
date, you do this stuff, I will do whatever you tell me to do so
14:34
that way I can ensure that you're happy.
14:36
And he will gravitate or into this rut of feminine following
14:41
energy rather than the masculine leading energy.
14:44
So the way to because he doesn't want to feel inadequate.
14:47
And the challenge is that one of the attributes of feminine
14:51
energy is collaboration, cooperation and improvement.
14:56
And so while often, again, these are general, these are
15:00
generalizations. Not everybody falls into this,
15:03
but you'll watch this. One of the if one of the
15:06
tendencies is to make things better all around you, it's
15:09
contribution is one of the feminine tendencies.
15:12
Well, the contribution to make things better often is feedback
15:15
about what's not right and take that as criticism.
15:20
Criticism will shut the masculine energy down.
15:23
And this is where the challenge comes.
15:24
Two things. Number one is we've got to lean
15:27
back to anchor into your feminine energy like Irene did.
15:30
Irene could have saved the day and told me where she wanted to
15:32
go, but she needed two things. She needed the patience to lean
15:37
back and allow, and then she needed the trust.
15:40
She had to trust that I was going to pick something that was
15:44
good enough for her. Yeah.
15:47
Yeah, it maybe wasn't going to be her favorite place.
15:49
Maybe. I mean, we drove a long ways to
15:51
get to this place out in Huntington Beach.
15:53
Maybe she wanted to. She was like, there was a sushi
15:55
place just down the street. But she let me drive all the way
15:58
to Huntington Beach was like a 40 minute drive for this
16:01
experience. And so it means releasing
16:04
control of how an outcome gets done.
16:08
I've I've literally seen this flip.
16:10
Where was it a week long seminar a a couple.
16:14
The guy had completely shut down.
16:16
And so I tell, I told the wife, I said he needs to be filled up
16:19
with knowing that you still believe in him, that you still
16:23
see him as capable in certain ways.
16:25
So tonight before you go to bed, I said, when was the last time
16:27
you gave him any kind of appreciation or like compliment
16:30
for something he did? And she was like, Matt, it's
16:32
been months. Like they hadn't slept together
16:35
in months. He's out of work for a year.
16:37
So that had really degraded the relationship.
16:39
She said that night I said, here's your job tonight is give
16:42
him 3 compliments things compliment his character, things
16:45
that you really admire or respect about him.
16:48
The next day she came right up to me.
16:50
She was like Matt, you would have thought that I had like
16:53
some superpower. She goes, I, I gave him 3
16:56
compliments about things that I saw in him.
16:58
He had been shut down for months.
17:00
At first when he looked at me like he didn't know if I was
17:02
kidding because I haven't, I haven't been very nice to him
17:05
lately. But then I gave him two more and
17:07
I told him why and it was like he completely opened up and he
17:11
shared about his dreams and things that were happening and
17:14
they had a deeper connection that night than they had in
17:17
months. And so this is the formula to
17:19
begin to re spiral upward the masculine feminine dynamic and
17:24
invite him into the masculine. It requires you to be solid
17:28
enough in your feminine to createspace enough for him to
17:31
step into his masculine. So you had a question about
17:35
texting and that first phone call, right?
17:38
If you're speaking to somebody on the app and then you know
17:40
you're speaking on like texting on the phone and maybe there's a
17:44
date set up, should we not expect them to text us every day
17:48
until the date? Yeah, I wouldn't expect that at
17:51
all. I wouldn't expect that at all.
17:53
I mean, everybody has a different communication style
17:56
because and. I got a little nervous because
18:00
we had set something up, you know, last Wednesday for this
18:03
Thursday and then still from yesterday I hadn't heard from
18:06
him. So I didn't really want to, you
18:09
know, text him again. But I, I just said, oh, I'm, you
18:12
know, firming up my plans for the weekend.
18:15
Just wondering if we are still on for Thursday.
18:18
And he said yes, absolutely. Right.
18:21
And you sent him that win. Yesterday.
18:25
Yeah, and yesterday was Monday. Yeah, I mean, that's perfectly
18:30
fine because. And I tell.
18:32
And I tell you ladies, if because I know how you guys are
18:34
and, and if you're not hearing communication, especially if
18:37
it's like the day before and you're just dying to know, you
18:41
know, there's no harm in double checking and it puts your mind
18:45
at ease. So for that reason, I say
18:47
absolutely. If you're wondering, I mean, my,
18:49
again, my, I would have said probably wait till today or, or
18:52
tomorrow even. But whether it was yesterday or
18:56
today or tomorrow, it's not going to make a difference.
18:57
But the difference it does make is it puts your mind at ease.
19:00
So that's a good thing. Has he given you the details of
19:03
the date yet, where you're going, time or anything like
19:05
that? No, but he did say that he would
19:09
pick a restaurant in my town. We He lives about 20 minutes
19:13
away. And have you done a phone call
19:15
with him? Not yet, no.
19:18
Oh, you never want to go meet anybody without a phone call.
19:22
I always meet without the phone call.
19:24
I've never this. Is why you're here and This is
19:27
why you're here working with me now, right, To do things
19:29
differently. Never, never meet them without a
19:32
phone call. Because here's the thing, Do you
19:35
really want to make the time get dressed up and do all that it
19:38
requires and then go and figure out something where if you'd
19:43
done, you know, a 15 minute, 20 minute at the most 30 minute,
19:46
whatever phone call, then you would have known it wouldn't, it
19:50
wasn't the right match. I sometimes I get nervous to do
19:56
a phone call because I feel like if there's not going to be
19:59
chemistry then I'd rather know in person know if there's going
20:05
to be history or not on a phone call.
20:07
I think you why wouldn't you rather know if there's chemistry
20:09
on a phone call and save yourself so much time and
20:11
effort? So if he didn't suggest to have
20:14
a phone call, then I don't. I don't know how to go about
20:18
that. I don't want to suggest it
20:19
myself. Yep.
20:21
So you have not read my book The Great Manhunt?
20:24
I guess I didn't finish it. No.
20:25
I'm very very busy unfortunately, but I will.
20:29
You got to do the work. I'm going to put your feet to
20:31
the fire here, you know what I mean?
20:32
Because I care deeply and I want you guys to really get the help
20:37
you need. But it's like, it's sort of
20:39
like, and women will hear me say this, you know, like you hire a
20:42
chef to make this, you know, delicious dinner, But then you
20:45
tell the chef, well, I want to change up the recipe.
20:47
I don't really want you to, to, to use the same recipe.
20:50
You know what I mean? Then it's then it's not going to
20:53
right. And I know you're a smart woman.
20:54
I can see that you're in your energy.
20:56
So yeah. So let's just make sure you read
20:58
my book because that'll tell you like even how to say because if
21:02
I were you, I mean, so. So if we were having this
21:05
conversation before you had ever reached out to him yesterday, I
21:08
probably would have said, hey, you know, I think a good idea
21:11
would be, well, first of all, what you do on the dating apps
21:14
and you'll read this in my book. And I'm just going to recap it
21:16
for my other ladies is you do you know 3-4 back and forth
21:20
messages and that's it. But at some .34 messages, if you
21:23
guys are still chatting and stuff, then you would say, hey,
21:26
you know, it might be better to get to know, you know, you on a
21:29
phone call or it might be better to have a quick chat.
21:32
What do you think? And you put it to them, OK.
21:35
And then he comes up and says, sure, I'd love to get men would
21:37
love to get on phone calls, right?
21:39
They'd love it, but they don't know.
21:41
They don't know if it's going to turn a woman off.
21:44
They're they're they men are a little confused these days.
21:46
So you got to lead them a little bit because there's so many ways
21:48
to do things. Some women like things, some
21:50
women don't so that these guys are nervous sometimes.
21:53
So you just say, hey, what do you think?
21:54
And then he'd go, sure, I'd love to get on a phone call.
21:56
He'll usually give his number. But then that's where you come
21:58
back and you say and this is. Literally the formula.
22:01
And you say, oh, actually, I prefer if you call me, here's my
22:05
number. Boom, boom, boom.
22:06
And I prefer you guys always have a Google phone number,
22:09
ladies. And then you have to say this
22:11
final line let. Me know when I can.
22:14
Expect to hear from you and if you've already made a plan and
22:18
now you're just finding out Gina says I should get on a call, it
22:21
might be a good idea phone call and chat first.
22:24
You know, I guarantee you if you say that he's going to be like.
22:27
Oh. Yes, 99.9 The only men that
22:30
don't want to get on a phone call is.
22:32
There's something weird about that.
22:34
How about the early stages of dating?
22:36
Because that's what we deal with a lot around here.
22:38
All right, in the early stages of dating when you're building
22:41
attraction and your deepening connection in the relationship,
22:46
I believe in the power of polarity.
22:50
I've experienced it. It's, I believe it absolutely
22:53
exists whether we want to ignore it or not.
22:55
And that's that masculine and feminine energy attract one
22:59
another. Now, the irony is that that's
23:01
every one of us has both masculine and feminine energy.
23:04
It's not about your man, your woman.
23:06
You only have one or the other. We all operate with both, but we
23:10
get to decide which one we want to lead with, whether we want to
23:14
lead out with masculine or lead out with feminine.
23:16
And so the reason I bring that up is if you're early in the
23:19
dating phase, feminine energy is all about creating invitations
23:24
for the masculine to lead and then receding.
23:27
Feminine energy is receptive energy, Masculine energy is
23:30
providing energy. And so the in the feminine in
23:33
that state, what you're saying is I've got you've got to need
23:35
something that you would love. Then the the best way to get
23:41
that need met is direct communication in the form of a
23:44
request like, Hey, I'm really wanting craving someone on one
23:49
time together, or I'm really I would really love to hang out
23:52
with you this weekend. Would you plan a date for us and
23:56
then ask the masculine ask whoever you're dating to step up
23:59
and provide you with whatever it is that you want.
24:02
Now he may, he may do that or he may not, but your job in the
24:05
beginning of the dating is simply to observe.
24:08
Is this guy going to meet you where you are?
24:11
One major mind blowing topic of our communication is the fact
24:17
that very few people have learned the differences between
24:21
needs and strategies in relationships.
24:24
So when I'm talking about needs, we all have needs in
24:26
relationships. Think about it this way,
24:28
Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right?
24:30
The lowest level is the need for safety.
24:33
You know, you have water, you have food, you have shelter, you
24:36
have survival safety. But as you move up, the very top
24:39
level is like full self actualization.
24:41
And then in between you have all kinds of needs for connection,
24:45
the need for validation, the need for understanding, the need
24:48
for adventure and variety, the need for rest, all of these
24:51
things. Well, the challenge is that most
24:54
people don't know that what their need is compared to the
24:58
strategy that they have. And what they'll do is they'll
25:01
get real attached to a strategy. I'll give you an example.
25:05
Last week I was had worked all day, sat at the desk doing
25:10
interviews and what not all day. And I real, I didn't work out in
25:12
the morning. So I really felt like my body
25:15
needed exercise. And so the need was my body
25:18
needs to move. My strategy was I want to go for
25:21
a run. So I go downstairs.
25:23
My wife, we've been married 14 years.
25:25
My wife's like, hey, I really want to talk to you.
25:27
I've been with the kids all day, like I really want to connect
25:30
with you. And I said, OK, great.
25:32
I really got to go for a run right now.
25:34
I got to move my body. And she's like, like, you're
25:36
getting off work late and now you're going to go by yourself
25:38
for a run. And so she had a need for
25:41
connection. And what she wanted to do, the
25:43
strategy was to sit together and talk.
25:47
So to know that, OK, her need is she's she's really getting
25:50
attached to sit down and talk to me.
25:52
And I'm like, I don't want to sit and talk to you.
25:54
Like I just want to go for a run.
25:55
And so most people get into arguments because their
25:58
strategies don't match when realizing that, oh, well, my
26:02
need is to move my body. Your need is to connect.
26:05
What if we do both? Would you be willing to go for a
26:07
walk with me? Like, can we go for a walk and
26:09
talk like, that's really what my body needs?
26:12
And she's like, oh, yeah, that would be great.
26:14
So we ended up going for a walk. I was able to move my body.
26:17
We were able to connect in the way that she wanted.
26:19
And it was like problem solved where so many people explode
26:22
because they've misinterpret their their strategy as the core
26:26
need. But when you get to the core
26:28
need, like everything shifts. And so being able to communicate
26:31
with somebody and how you want to be loved, how they want to be
26:35
left with the vision you have for your future, how you
26:38
navigate when there are unmet expectations is huge.
26:42
When I was starting out, I was really struggling in love and
26:45
had a bunch of patterns where I was experiencing the same thing
26:50
over and over again. And the one common denominator
26:54
in all those relationships was me.
26:56
So I wanted to try to figure out why am I recreating these
27:00
patterns? Because you could have put
27:02
anybody, you could have put my match in front of me and my old
27:05
pattern way of being would have repelled that person.
27:08
And so part of the journey was I wanted to learn from couples who
27:14
had really walk the talk and live the journey.
27:17
And so my best friend and I interviewed America's greatest
27:20
marriages. We jumped in an RV, drove 12,000
27:23
miles as bachelors, and interviewed couples who've been
27:26
married over 40 years for what their insights were around what
27:32
makes love last and what I learned.
27:35
And then subsequently speaking on stages and hearing other
27:39
amazing relationship therapists and authors talk about polarity
27:45
and masculine and feminine energy and all of that, it began
27:48
to just completely crack me wide open.
27:51
The whole idea of I didn't know what my attachment styles were.
27:54
I didn't know about self love. I didn't know of these this
27:57
self-image limiting beliefs that I'd had.
28:00
So I started to do all of that work and it completely changed
28:02
my life. So there is a, a woman who
28:05
signed up for a coaching program with me.
28:08
It's a an amazing 69 year old woman and she was like, Matt,
28:12
I'm going to be the toughest case you've ever had either.
28:15
There's only one tiny percent of me that believes it's possible.
28:18
99% of me doesn't believe it's possible because for me, I'm not
28:22
going to move out of Nanaimo. It's a small little town in
28:24
Canada. She goes, I'm lived here, born
28:26
here, I'm going to die here, not moving out.
28:28
So I and I want a man who lives here.
28:30
I know every man here. The guy doesn't exist.
28:32
She goes, I'm an environmentalist, grow my own
28:34
food, solar, heated showers, I ride my bike, bike everywhere
28:38
possible to reduce my carbon footprint.
28:40
And I will not budget on those values.
28:43
And so I want a man that has all those values and he's got to be
28:46
super smart. She was like a scientist.
28:48
She's he's got to be super smart and at my age, good luck.
28:53
And I said, OK, well, he's one. I've.
28:56
And so I, I focused in on the one corner of her mind that was
28:58
believing. And so I said, just have fun
29:01
with her. I was like, all right, well,
29:03
what else? Those are good.
29:05
What else? What would you really love?
29:07
Like, let's say I gave you a magic wand.
29:09
What would you really love? Well, like, what really turns
29:12
you on in a man? And she had now, no one's ever
29:15
really asked her that because everyone thought, oh, you're
29:17
being too picky and knowing you're never going to have what
29:19
you want. So she goes like, oh, and she
29:21
goes, well, I've never told anybody this, but what I would
29:25
really love is a man in a kilt because I think Scottish men are
29:29
so hot like that kilt is so sex. I love that I've never heard
29:33
anyone say that. I was like done great.
29:35
OK, so now I'm not a matchmaker. I'm helping people just find it
29:39
on their own, right. You do the matchmaking.
29:41
So so we started the process and more and more of her began to
29:46
believe in the possibility that this guy existed.
29:50
Still, a big part of her doubted, but she began to do the
29:53
things that begin to coordinate all the connections that have to
29:59
happen for him to come into her life.
30:02
One day I got an e-mail, I may have just met him.
30:06
And so she writes, he doesn't live in Nanaimo, but he was born
30:09
here and not wants to move back. He's a mathematician, super
30:13
smart, grows his own food, solar, heated showers, rides his
30:16
bike everywhere. He's more of an environmentalist
30:18
than I am. They go on some dates, fall in
30:21
love, he proposes and then on their wedding day, she said she
30:28
is in the dress with the flowers ready to walk down the aisle and
30:31
she turns the corner to walk down the aisle and Ian is at the
30:34
end of the aisle wearing a kilt. They had had a seven months row,
30:38
seven month romance. She never has to.
30:40
Maybe Scottish and he was she. She was like, I totally forgot
30:44
about the kilt thing. She goes, Matt, I almost fainted
30:47
in the aisle. She was like, we just got
30:49
married where she goes. I just turned 70 years old, but
30:52
I feel like I'm 25 again. There are no one sided coins.
30:56
Every coin has two sides. So knowing that the, the we
31:01
don't have to be perfect to find our match.
31:04
That's not what it's about. But it's about leaning more into
31:07
the idea of because you've got the desire, that longing, that
31:10
feeling for love that is evidence of Love's possibility.
31:16
And so stay more connected to that idea.
31:18
Stay open, stay in the energy of, oh, he, he right now is
31:23
looking for you. Like if you've got that energy
31:26
for love, he's out there. He's wondering where you are,
31:28
Kate. He's he's like, where's my, I
31:30
can't wait to find my woman. And so as you hold that space
31:34
and then you say yes to opportunities that come your way
31:37
to explore those, knowing that every opportunity leads you
31:41
further in the direction of that love relationship, you will
31:43
absolutely find the relationship that you want.
31:46
So I will say to cut to the chase.
31:48
So you can follow. Him If you're not already at
31:50
Matt Boggs on YouTube, you have quite the following.
31:54
And then? You now this brave thinking
31:57
institute, is it yours or you do it with somebody, or is it all
32:01
yours? It's a family business.
32:03
I am one of the Co founders. My mom, actually her name is
32:07
Mary Morrissey, originally founded this institute and she's
32:11
a thought leader in the spiritual space.
32:13
And as I was launching my my love and relationships coaching
32:17
business, she said this is 1516 years ago.
32:20
She said, look, we could do them separately or we can combine
32:24
forces. And so we decided to combine
32:26
forces and it's a beautiful institute for personal
32:29
transformation. So we coach people, but we also
32:32
train and certify coaches as well inside that institute.
32:36
Wow. Well, I mean, listen, your
32:37
stuff, everything's impressive. I've been doing a deep dive on
32:40
you and you have so many things that you talk about under the
32:45
relationship umbrella and you you, you try kind of similar.
32:49
I mean, I think you and I have similar beliefs in that, you
32:52
know, similar advice for women. Yet you come, I come at it.
32:59
Not only from a matchmaking. Perspective, but sort of through
33:02
the eyes of the men I've worked with.
33:04
And and that what they. Tell me.
33:06
But then I think you know you. You what's interesting I find
33:10
too about you. You're a married man with two
33:12
daughters and you wrote a book. Didn't you guys travel around
33:17
interviewing men that were specifically married or just in
33:20
relationships? We.
33:23
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You've been an amazing guest.
33:25
Thank you, Matt. Matt, you are so fantastic.
33:29
I would marry you if you weren't already married.
33:31
I think I can agree that the ladies really enjoyed having you
33:35
here answering so many great questions.
33:37
And I think, man, I'm just, I feel grateful that you were here
33:41
with us. So thank you so much, ladies.
33:43
Just remember, you've got to keep your standards high.
33:47
And I think you know, when a guy comes along, and this is what
33:50
I've seen happen with so many great women, you just lower your
33:54
standards. You, you forget how to, how to
33:57
talk to them clearly. And, and, and the way you
34:00
communicate is, is how you set your boundaries in place.
34:04
OK. And when you ask him questions
34:07
and he doesn't give you the answers you want to hear or
34:10
things still seem unclear, keep asking the question because you
34:14
deserve everything that you want.
34:18
You're fabulous. So many fabulous ladies out
34:20
there. And I hope that Matt's
34:22
perspective has only solidified what I'm always telling you.
34:27
Because everything I talk about. Is also.
34:30
From the minds of men. So this is going to wrap up this
34:34
episode and if you guys want to ever join me for a live power
34:38
hour, just e-mail me. I don't care if you're a man or
34:41
woman. Eventually I'm going to be doing
34:42
Coed, so bring it on. You can get on the list team
34:46
Gina at ginahendrix.com. Also, I have different coaching
34:49
programs available for ladies so that I can get my hands on you
34:53
and level you up in every single way because this is insider
34:59
Intel from the minds of men that every woman.
35:02
Needs. Every woman needs, she says
35:04
humbly. All right, have a beautiful,
35:06
beautiful week and I'll talk to you again soon.
35:11
Want to keep up with more of Gina's advice?
35:14
Follow her on TikTok and Instagram at matchmaker Gina
35:17
Hendricks or visit her matchmaking website
35:20
ginahendricks.com.