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My Grandma Thought She Turned Me White · Midnight Mystery Stories

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Even the politics is not the same out there. Politicians
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: arguing each other.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: They have debates. Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: There's no charisma.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: There was one guy who came out, the one Republican senator,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: the craziest thing I've ever seen.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: He was arguing against abortion. Republicans are totally against abortion.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: And someone was arguing with him saying, surely women who
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: have been raped should have the option to have an abortion.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: And this is what he came out and he said
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: this in his speech. True story. Todd Akin, the Republican,
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: came out and he said, a lot of people ask me, Todd,
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: why don't you thank women? can get themselves an abortion
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: if they've been raped.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Well, we all know that women can get pregnant from
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: legitimate rape. And people were like, what? He said everyone
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: was shocked. The country stood, they couldn't believe it.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: They were shocked.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Julius. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: they're everywhere. It's not just us. They're all over the world. Yes, many,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: many Juliuses in every go. Julii. Yeah, one Julius. Many
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: Julii all over the world. Different shapes, different sizes. I
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: was shocked that he was still in the news when
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: I got back.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, he's not even part of the ANC. He's
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: like the most famous unemployed person in the country right now.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Julius is there and got charged with fraud and corruption.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Wasn't that a fun story? Who would have thought that
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: the mild-mannered man from Limpopo with millions in assets and
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: a 35,000 grand salary was corrupt? I know, I was
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: also shocked, people.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: I was shocked.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: The funniest is how he got caught. He was on radio,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: he was doing interviews, and the journalist asked him, and
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: he said, Julius, you sure have a lot of fancy
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: things like Breitling watches and everything for somebody who earns
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: such a meager salary?
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: How do you do it? He said, I work very hard.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: He said, yeah, but Julius, I mean, it just doesn't
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: add up, you know, to It seems a little bit
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: fishy or something.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: If anybody thinks that there is any such pitching, let
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: them investigate.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: SARS must investigate.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: The police must investigate.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: And so they did. That guy doesn't think.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: Ah, Julius.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: He just runs around causing chaos wherever he goes. Julius
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Malema to me is like a vuvuzela. That's what he is.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: He's loud and he scares foreigners.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: That's pretty much... In fact, I'm willing to bet with you, if.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: We took out his voice and replaced it with a vuvuzela,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: no one would know the difference.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: He could school God and do speeches and make appearances.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: No one would know the difference. It would be a
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: better place, in fact. He'd get to conferences. They'd be like,
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: next up, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Julius Malema. He'd
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: walk up to the podium and be like.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: They'd still be like, thank you, Judas.
• 3:16
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: The vuvuzela is the most famous thing that's ever come
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: out of South Africa.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Do you know this? Most famous thing that's ever left
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: this country.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: You travel the world, and people know about the vuvuzela,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: but nothing else.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: I learned this.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I was flying home, and I had to go through
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Paris and then come to South Africa. And I'm in Paris,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: and I'm standing at the taxi rank. And this guy waiting,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: you know, he looks at me, and he's like, taxi!
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I was like, oui, oui, taxi.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: He's like, oh, yeah, that's good to see.
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: I was like, oh, moi, non parlez-vous français? He's like, oh,
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: non parlez-vous français? I was like, look, man, this is
• 3:58
  Speaker 4: not working.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I'm from South Africa.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: He's like, oh, South Africa, South Africa. South Africa, right?
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: I said, yeah, yes, South Africa. He said, oh, the
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: national Mandela, huh? I was like, Mandela, yeah. He said, oh, ha, ha.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I said, ah, ha, ha, ha. Mandela. He said, ah, Mandela.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: No, no, she's from Apartheid, right?
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Apartheid. I was like, yes, Apartheid. He was like, Apartheid?
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I was like, no, no, no, Apartheid, hey. Apartheid, hey, hey. Hey, hey, Apartheid.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, no, no, Apartheid, no. And I
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: was like, no, apartheid. Apartheid. So proud. Got home. Got
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: to see my family. Those are the things you miss,
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: the important things. See my dad in Cape Town.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: It's always fun hanging out with my dad for me
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: because he's so different to me. He's very dry in
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: his humor, very stern. He's not strict per se, but
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: he's just different because he's Swiss. He's not just Swiss,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: he's Swiss-German. You don't get more precise than that. Everything
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: makes sense. Everything is calculated. He doesn't even understand what
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: I do for a living. He doesn't, he has conversations
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: with me.
• 5:33
  Speaker 6: He's like, so Trevi, my friend tell me you got
• 5:36
  Speaker 6: a job now, eh?
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: You do the job, what is it, comedy? What is it, comedy?
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm a stand-up comedian, that's what I do.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, so you're a clown, eh? I said, no,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not a clown. It's spoken word, it's more intelligent.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, sorry, spoken, mister. But the people, do
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: they laugh? I'm like, yeah, yeah, of course, of course.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: He's like, well, so clown, eh?
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Whatever, man.
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: Worst thing is you don't get food or something because
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: you're a horrible clown, eh?
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: He said, what? I've never even told you a joke.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: He's like, ah, rubbish. Clown is always clown. What do
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: you mean you don't tell me a joke?
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: You don't even have a joke. I got better jokes
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: than you. You've never told me a joke in your life.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: He's like, because you don't understand joke. I can't waste
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: a joke on you.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: You don't understand it. I said, well, try me then.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: Tell me a joke. He's like, okay, okay. I tell
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: you a joke.
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: Today you say you come to the house 10 o'clock, eh?
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: 10 o'clock you say you come. Then what time you come, eh?
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: 25 past 10, eh? It's funny because it's not 10 o'clock.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: It's after. You see, you don't laugh because you don't
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: know time and you don't know jokes. You're stupid. I
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: got to tell my friends. I got to laugh. Just
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: a clown.
• 6:42
  Speaker 7: It's different.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: It's different.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: We have weird arguments together. It's so much fun. One
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: day he sends me to his room to look for
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: his watch. He's like, Trevi, you go to my room
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: and look for my watch for me. I said, okay,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go check it out.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Look for the watch. Can't find it. Come back. I'm like, dad,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: I can't find your watch. He's like, oh, okay. We
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: go to the shop. I said, you know what? Let
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: me double check. What? He said, I'm going to double check. No, no, no.
• 7:03
  Speaker 6: What is this rubbish now? You don't explain the rubbish. Double,
• 7:06
  Speaker 6: double check. What is the double check? To check is
• 7:09
  Speaker 6: to make sure. What were you doing the first time then?
• 7:13
  Speaker 6: That means you don't check. You just go, you play,
• 7:15
  Speaker 6: you play, you play. You come back, you talk, talk.
• 7:17
  Speaker 6: Now you go check your little shit. You fetch the watch,
• 7:19
  Speaker 6: we go to the shop. We'll go double check the rubbish.
• 7:23
  Speaker 6: Everything with him.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Dad, I'll be there now, now. What? You got to
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: come twice. You got to give him time. Precise.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Swiss.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: That's the Swiss half of me, you know.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: That's why I love watches. That's why I love time.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: And then because of the Xhosa half, I'm never on time, right?
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: That's the wild side of the family. We don't give
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: a damn about time. On my mom's side, we're having
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: the time of our lives. Everyone's crazy, everyone's got personality,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: they're big.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: My mom is wild. We got it from my grandfather.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Temperance Noah was his name.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: He was a big, proud Xhosa man. He used to
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: be famous in his area, in Midiolands, where he lived.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: And they used to call him Tachiza, where he stayed. Charming,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: you know, the hot grandpa, loosely translated. He'd walk around
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: and he'd always talk English to his friends, but only
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: the ones who couldn't speak English.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: He loved it, you know? Like rub it in their faces,
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  Speaker 2: just walk around and be like, oh, Jeremiah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: Fancy meeting you here, squire. Look at you, meandering about aimlessly.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: And I was just like, what does that mean, grandpa?
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: He's like, even me, I don't know. Just keep walking.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: He just had this thing, you know, it was so cool.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: He never treated me the same in the family.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: I never knew if it was a joke or if
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: it was because of apartheid because he grew up hard
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: in that game, you know. He would come home after
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: work and open the kitchen door and the family would
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: be there and he'd.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: Be like, Good evening, black people. Good evening, master.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not a master, I'm not.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: He was crazy.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Everyone in the family, well not everyone because my grandmother
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: is the sane one. Frances Noah, 85 years old. And
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: she's got a wild side, but she's not crazy. She's
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: very witty, smart, small woman, but tough as nails. And
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: her and I, man, ah, we have such a beautiful
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: love and a bond for each other.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: You know, we just have this thing. Ever since she
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: hit me, we... Oh, which is normal. I mean, this
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: was normal in the family.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Grandmothers were responsible in African families for beating the children, right?
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Because generally the parents are at work, kids stay with grandparents,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: and then grandparents hit the kids, right? Not even grandmother,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: because generally men shouldn't hit children because they say men
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: hit out of anger, but then women beat out of love.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I never felt the difference. All I know is my
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: gran hit me once, and one time only. I don't
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: remember all the details, because I don't hold grudges. I
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: just remember that it was myself, my cousin Buleloa, my
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: cousin Mlungisi, and my imaginary friend Andrew. And we were
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: playing doctor, doctor, right? And somewhere along the line, an
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: operation went wrong.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: This is medicine. It happens.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: So matches were stuck inside Bulelo's ear and she started bleeding.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: I don't know who did it. I think it was Andrew.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: So my gran comes home, doesn't ask questions, cleans Bulelo's ear.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: As soon as she sees he's fine, she whips out
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: a belt and whips our ass. It's like whips our ass,
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: whips our ass. Then she's like, go to the room.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: And we all have to go to the room and
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: we're there in the room like, yeah. Which is very important.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: It seems irritating. But you learn this very early in
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: a black family. That crying is one of the most
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: important parts of any beating.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: No, no, no. Because crying can severely decrease how much
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: you get beaten.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Or it can add to it. You got to know
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: how to cry in a black family. You don't mess
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: around with that. Like, I remember going to a white
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: friend of mine, Jeremy.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I was in shock. He was so naughty. And his
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: dad came to me. He's like, Jeremy, hey, you got
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: an attitude, boy. Keep for that. You're going to get
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: 10 of the best. 10 of the best. And I
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: was like, what's 10 of the best? He's like, oh,
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: my dad's going to give me 10 lashes. And I
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: was like, what? You know when it's going to end.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Where I'm from, it's you versus stamina.
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: How much energy does your mom have? There's no games
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: or it's going to end.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: Ten. Yeah.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: You get whippings.
• 11:13
  Speaker 5: That's why the crying was so important. You had to
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: know how to cry. For instance, never cry too early. Never,
• 11:18
  Speaker 5: ever cry too early. You cry too early, then your
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: parents think you're deceitful. They hit you even more for
• 11:22
  Speaker 5: being a liar and for what you did now. Now
• 11:24
  Speaker 5: it's double punishment. You've got to time it. You've got
• 11:27
  Speaker 5: to wait for the stick and let it come. And
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: as it hits you, then you don't cry when they hear. Ah!
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: They're like, why are you crying? Why are you crying? Oh,
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I thought you were. Sorry. That was a false start.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I already thought you... Just think of it like prepaid.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Prepaid crying. I've already... You can't cry early. You've got
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: to cry on time. You wait for the stick. As
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: it hit her... Ah! And not too loud, you don't
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: cry too loud. You cry loud, they'll even get more angry.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: They'll be like, why are you making a noise? Why
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: are you making a noise? And you're like, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh,
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: tough guy, you don't cry, eh? You don't cry, tough guy.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: You're like, what?
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: No, ah, ah, why are you making a noise? Ooh,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: tough guy.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Then you're like, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh.
• 12:07
  Speaker 7: Then they're like, what, are you bewitched, eh? So you've
• 12:12
  Speaker 7: got to know how to cry, where to cry. You
• 12:14
  Speaker 7: find the level. And you cry at the right level.
• 12:21
  Speaker 7: You make sure.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: And then the key is to know your different cries.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: Make sure you know your different cries.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: It's a different thing because you cry while you're getting
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: the beating and then you wait for the pause. You
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: wait for the pause because when there's a pause, you've
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: got to jump in with a choking cry.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: As your parents pause, then you're like.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Because then they're like, yo, he's choking.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: He's almost dead. I've done a good job. Then they stop.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: Then they stop for a bit. Then they chill.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Then you're like, go to your room. And then the
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: most important cry many of the time, you've got to
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: cry the cry of mourning.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Cry of mourning.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: You walk around. The whole day. That way they see you.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: They don't hit you again for the same thing. So
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: my gran hits us, we in the room, all three
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: of us. But I'm a kid, I get bored after
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: a while. I wasn't even sure if my gran was
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: in the house at that point.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: She wasn't there. I'm busy playing with my toys, having
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: a good time.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: She came back.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: She came back. I wasn't paying attention though. I dropped
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: the ball.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I'm like, she walked in the room. We got to
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: know how, how to cry. My gran only hit me
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: one time though. One time got hit by my grandmother.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: And that day was the craziest thing because my mom
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: came home and she found my grandmother crying, found her crying.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: on the kitchen chair, like the little chair next to
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: the stove, cold stove, and my gran was there in tears.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: And my mom's like, what's wrong? What's wrong, mama? She's like,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I can't hit your child. I can't hit your child.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: I'll never hit him again. She's like, what do you mean?
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: She's like, I can't hit your child.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: I hit him today for the first time, and he
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: became blue and green and red and yellow.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: I never saw those colors before. I never saw those colors.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: You must take your child. I don't want to break him.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I don't want to break him.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: They're going to say, I killed a white man. And
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: my mom's like.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: No, he's not white. You must hit him. She's like, no,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: I'll hit the black children.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: It's fine.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: You can hit them forever. They don't change. They just
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: become more black. So my gran never ever hit me
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: after that, ever. It was fantastic. Other cousins getting beatings.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: It was good times.