Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 76 - How Childhood Trauma Shapes Identity | John David Gregory

Transcript

EP 76 - How Childhood Trauma Shapes Identity | John David Gregory · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

0:00
Some men don't lose their identity and failure, they lose
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it in success. They build the body, earn the
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title, protect the famous, serve their country, sit in church.
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There's still a boy who feels unseen, unprotected and unnamed.
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What happens when abuse shapes your identity before you even
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know who you are? What happens when addiction
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hides behind discipline, When faith is real, but so is the
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trauma? Today's conversation isn't about
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image. It's about what happens when the
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mask collapses and the man has to decide who he really is.
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If you've ever looked strong on the outside but felt fractured
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underneath, this one is for you. Welcome to Unmasked, where we
0:54
take off the filters and get real about faith, failure, and
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finding freedom. I'm your host, Wesley
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Farnsworth, a dad, veteran, author, and a man who's learned
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that God does his best work in the middle of our mess.
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Each episode we have honest conversations with people who
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have walked through addiction, pain, or doubt, and with
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pastors, leaders, and everyday believers who are learning to
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live and lead authentically. So take a breath, pull up a
1:21
chair, and let's get real. This is unmasked.
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Today on Unmasked, we are joined by John David Gregory.
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He has lived the world. He has lived in worlds that most
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men never overlap, competitive athletics, competitive
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athletics, the US Navy, Hollywood, security, and the
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church. But behind the roles and
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achievements was a deeper struggle.
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Childhood abuse, identity confusion, addiction, and the
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quiet pressure to keep performing.
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He is the author of The Faceless Man, a raw account of how broken
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identity forms, how masks are built, and how God met him in
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the dark season in Los Angeles that changed everything.
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Today, we're not here to relive headlines.
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We're here to talk about what abuse does to a man's identity
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and how, how masks follow us into adulthood, and finally,
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what real freedom has looked like on the other side.
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Thank you, John, for joining us today here on Unmasked and being
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willing to Share your story and trust the Unmasked community
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with it. Well, thank you for having me.
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You know, as you start to as you was reading that after you, man,
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it just it hits me every time when I listen to that.
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I'm like, wow, he's talking about me and I just, I just
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immediately think of the what a graceful God that I have and,
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and serve because I shouldn't be on this podcast with you right
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now. So I'm honored to be here and
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very grateful. And, you know, I'm trying to
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live my life at this point just to share this message, you know,
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with as many people as I can just to because I believe that
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so many men are trapped in that masks that are trapped in in
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loss of identity. And I'm looking forward to just,
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you know, touching base and letting the world know my story.
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Before we get into the darkest parts, I want to set the
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foundation. Growing up in a conservative
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Christian home and being adopted, what did that do to
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your sense of identity early on, and what story did you start
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telling yourself about who you really were because of it?
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Fantastic. Well, you know, again, thank you
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again for having me of this story.
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You know, it really begins as during my childhood.
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You know, it started even at before I was born.
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And what I mean by that was I found out a few years ago that
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my birth mom, who she was, and I found out the story because I'm
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adopted. And my birth mom was she met my
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dad in a rural town in Kentucky and they had a little fling.
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She came from one side of the track.
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He came from wealthy side of the track.
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And lo and behold, the blink of an eye, here I come.
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So with that, I found out that she had to hide me and her
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parents did not want to meet her to be with him.
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Neither parents did. And so they shoved her away in a
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home for unwed mothers. And during this is 1969 in the
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heart of in the heat of abortion, you know, debate.
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But she was told that she did this.
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She had the baby. They were going to take me away
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immediately. Oh, right.
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At birth. Wow, I'm telling you, I've never
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said this before. That just hit me.
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It just hit me right at birth. It it started, I was stripped
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away from my mom and I was put in a room where no one in an I'm
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sure a room full of other babies and she was not allowed to see
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me. And for three months, I had no
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home as a baby, just the just the care of the attendants at
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the facility, wherever that was. So she had told me that she she
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did get a chance to peek through a double glass and got a chance
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to see me, but that was it. And she said it was just
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devastating for her because I ended up meeting my birth mom a
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few years back, which was that's another story in itself.
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I'm not going to divert off on that story, but that's a whole
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another hold on. But all that to say, I, I
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believe kind of that that feeling of rejection and that
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feeling of abandonment started early, even as a baby, not
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knowing who I was, who's for me, who loves me and what not.
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So I was adopted by two amazing people, my mom and dad, John
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David senior and Martha Gregory. May they rest in peace.
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I love you all. Both have passed away now, but
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they gave me an amazing life. And my dad started me off young,
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just discipline, discipline. And we grew up in the Baptist
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Church and it was, you know, I always tell everybody it was
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Sunday church, Wednesday youth group, Sunday school, school and
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basketball. I mean, that's what was my life.
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I would just go in the driveway and just, and just get shots up
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and just get shots up. And he, he would always say
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don't leave on a mess. Mama said get inside for dinner
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and I would grab the ball and run and and he's like he'd meet
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me at the door. He said, did you make your last
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shot? I go no, get out there.
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So I had to go do when I, you know, infamous three-point shots
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that later I would be so good at in high school until I made it
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and then I could come back inside.
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Interesting. Did that message become fuel for
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you or did it just add additional pressure?
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I've lived by that model my whole life.
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Never leave on a mess because that met that is so deep because
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it's it's more than a basketball message.
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It's not. It's willing not to quit.
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It's willing when you're down, when everybody else has
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abandoned you, is willing to keep going, keep fighting and
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keep going for your dreams. So during this season of life,
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my parents had a best friend. They came over a couple and they
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would bring their son who was many years older than me.
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This is where the trauma began, even deep for me.
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When you say trauma began there, what did it teach you to believe
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about yourself as a boy and what did it train you to do
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emotionally? It teach you to fight, freeze,
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perform, disappear. What did it teach you?
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I. Remember them telling me who I
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didn't understand what a being adopted was.
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So that was already like a it was a weird feeling for me to
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go. My mom gave me up and you guys
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adopted me. OK, Very as a young boy, it was
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hard to understand. And then this boy would come
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over and he would start any introduce pornography, me
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pornography to me for the first time.
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I never did knowing. It's like, it's like, it's kind
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of like I would say it's like Adam and Eve in the garden when
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they said he's like, who told you were naked?
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You know, It's like, I didn't know.
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I didn't know what this was, you know, of course I knew male,
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female, all these things, but I did not understand what all that
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was. So I started seeing it and this
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would go on and on and on for years, years to I mean, I could
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never say anything. I hate it every time I knew they
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were coming over. I was just like sick.
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I tried to fake sick at times. This is the kind of thing that
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was just so traumatic for me as a young boy.
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And it and what it did is there's a cause and effect.
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And the effect from that was anger.
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And I, I, I had this real explosive anger in me that
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started to develop and just being angry all the time.
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And, and even though I'm in church, you know, I would have
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these like highs and lows and, and to the point where I would
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be on a basketball court and a ref would call a foul on me and
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I would explode, explode on the ref or I would come out and I
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would just kick a chair and let it go flying and cuss somebody
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out. And my dad was like, what is
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wrong with you? You know, I'm going to pull you
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out of sports and you know everything.
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And they talked to me and they made me have counselors and but
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I would never tell anybody. They're like, why are you so
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angry? What's wrong with you?
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So that followed me to high school or excuse me, right, 8th
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grade year. I am like one of the top
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basketball and football players in the city in Louisville, KY in
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the Catholic school system. I never going to a Catholic
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school because of the time in the 80s.
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And that was like the best school systems in Louisville, KY
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at the time for private schools. We were playing a team, another
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team who had a lot of players that that were going to a high
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school that I was considering going to.
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So my team played them. We beat them.
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After the game, I'm talking to some of their other players and
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their coach walks up to me and goes, hey, I'm having these guys
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over my house later. I know you're, I heard you're
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considered coming to the school. You should come hang out with
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them, get to know them. I told my parents.
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I said, yeah, you should do that.
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So I went over there, Pizza, sodas, everything was innocent
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till everybody started leaving 1 by 1 by 1.
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I'm still in my, like, shorts that I had on from the game.
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I'm in a uniform and I'm sitting on the couch.
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Next thing you know, everybody's gone.
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He's like, I'll take you home. You don't have to tell your mom,
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you know, I'll tell her, you know, I'll bring you home, OK?
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You know, I'm like literally sitting there going, are you,
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are you kidding me? Right.
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Like this is really happening to me again.
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Like, and this time it's a grown man and I'm an eighth grader, as
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I always say. And, you know, I literally just
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had to close my eyes and try to get through it as quick as I
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could. And some people go, why didn't
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you just punch him or say get off me or whatever.
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And I'm like, you know what, there was, I don't know.
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All I know is during that time, I was like frozen.
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When that when these things would happen, I would freeze.
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So that would go on. And then I ended up getting into
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the high school. I did go to that same high
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school with all those kids. Lo and behold, that guy gets a
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job as a coach there. And in the whole time, you know,
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it was just creeping me out the whole time.
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I mean, I hated it. And he would always try to get
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me to come over and do stuff. And you know, I mean, it was
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like, man, I had to like Lily run from this guy for four
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years. So all that to say, when I got
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my senior year, I'm, you know, here I am, I'm the star athlete.
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I'm doing well. You know, I'm trying to I
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really, my dream since I was a kid was to play basketball at
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the University of Kentucky. Paul Macy was my mentor during
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the summer. You know, he played at Kentucky.
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He's all American and Olympics and played for the Phoenix Suns.
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And his father mentored me too during the summers and would
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teach me. And I mean, I learned
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everything, even how to shoot from the Macy's.
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And it was it. I'm playing for Kentucky.
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But my senior year didn't go the way I was hoping it would.
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Again, I had all these highs and lows.
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I played really good, play really bad.
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I had ankle injuries. I was dealing with so much
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personal trauma. Just did not go the way I
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wanted, Didn't get recruited like I thought I would.
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And so my mom insisted that I go away to a small Christian School
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in Indiana called Anderson University right outside by Ball
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State. But I was there and as soon as I
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heard Kentucky was going to have walk ONS, I told my parents, I'm
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going to pack up. I'm going to withdraw from
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Anderson and I'm going to go enroll university there.
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We're not paying for it, so I don't care.
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I was like, I'm a I'll do it myself, you know, and I, I
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enrolled at UK, but Sean Woods was like one of my good friends.
12:25
He was the point guard on that team and he kept saying, you're
12:28
going to make it, you're going to make it, you're going to make
12:30
it, man. And I was the last man cut on
12:32
that team anyways. So you can only imagine this,
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the trauma that I was experiencing.
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I again, my dream is shattered, you know, and I was like, I got
12:41
it. I got to wear Kentucky across my
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chest later. It's why I wanted to wear
12:44
Batman, but I have to wear Kentucky, you know.
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And so I was an Allstate football player, you know,
12:50
honorable mention. So I went over there to the
12:52
football program and Bill Curry was the coach at the time.
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I said I'd like to kick because I kicked in high school.
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They threw me a ball and said, let me see what you do.
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And I just put it and they were like, you're good, Come on in.
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It wasn't even a tryout. It was kind of like, who'd you
13:06
play for? I said Trinity, they made a
13:07
phone call. They're like, yeah, OK, you're
13:09
good, you're in. So I was able to walk on the
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University of Kentucky football team for that year.
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And deep down this whole time, I mean, again, that sounds all
13:18
great on the outside. This has been my everybody looks
13:21
at me. Oh, your life is great, man.
13:23
Now you're a Kentucky and that's great.
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But inside I am dying. Inside I am ripped.
13:28
I've been stripped from all this abuse that has happened to me
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and the shame and the guilt because then the alcohol started
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in college. I started drinking, you know,
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just the, the sexual immorality. I would, you know, started
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sleeping with all these girls and just trying to make myself
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feel good for all the pain that I was going through and dealing
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with. And even the disappointment of
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not making the Kentucky team till one night after a Kentucky
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football game, I we're all dancing in the bar and next
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thing you know, the song Vanilla Ice comes on ice ice baby.
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And man, that all the team, they're like, John, get out of
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here. So they called me the Iceman.
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That was my nickname because at the time they thought I looked
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like the guy from, you know, Top Gun.
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Val Kilmer has always been a kind of a comparison.
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So this guy walks up and hands me a card at the bar and he's
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like, hey, how'd you like to make money doing that?
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So 10 years I spent in the male review dance business.
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I was a male dancer. Actually end up owning my own
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group as well. I mean here I am ready playing
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at Kentucky doing everything you know and just I derailed and it
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wasn't until and that's it and that's all detailed out in the
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book and not going into that whole span.
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But you can only imagine that life for 10 years and just just
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I can remember, though, very clearly walking off stage
14:45
probably every night, just the pain that I would feel and, and
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the hiding behind the mask of just the just what I was doing,
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you know, when I would have to perform.
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And everybody thought I was the best.
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They thought I was, oh man, you're the best.
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You're amazing man. And I had women, I had money, I
15:00
had everything I that seems what you want in that moment.
15:05
But I was so empty. And in the middle of all that, I
15:08
would always say I always wore a cross.
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And some people would call that hip pocket.
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Oh, you're a hip. Why do you wear a cross?
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You know, you're not even following the Lord and I'm like,
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you know, I know he's with me and they would always roll their
15:19
eyes at me and and whatnot, but I didn't care.
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But I I'd always still feel like that the Lord stayed with me
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because I was I'd given my life to the Lord as a boy and got
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baptized, but of course backslid for so many years.
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But I knew the Lord had never left me and he would always, I'm
15:37
telling you, I felt I would feel his presence even in the
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dirtiest, darkest times of my life.
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Fast forward, I get I ended up leaving that and get coming out
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to Hollywood and history. It's like these cycles would
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keep repeating themselves. I'm going to out for auditions.
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I mean, I'm working on daytime soap operas.
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I would have casting directors hitting on me.
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Next thing you know, one says, hey, come over to my house.
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You know, I've got these big time people coming over always.
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And he started naming celebrities and and everything.
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And I get there and I'm the only one there.
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Next thing you know, there's alcohol there.
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I'm doing OK. I have a few drinks, few drinks.
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Then he busts out this stuff I'd never seen before in my life.
16:15
He called it Tina which which later I thought was crystal
16:18
meth. I didn't know what that was.
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He's like here just try a little and I was scared to death of
16:23
drugs but I was like OK I finally I just gave in.
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I was was wasted and I did it and I couldn't stop.
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It was like there was 2 voices in my head one screaming stop
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and the other one saying go ahead do whatever you want.
16:35
So it's kind of similar to my past, but this time I was under
16:39
the, they're intoxicated with that drug that just absolutely
16:42
wrecked me. I remember being so devastated.
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I went home and I, I remember so grossed out.
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I remember being cleaning myself in the shower, just getting on
16:49
the floor crying, very suicidal. I just thought, I want to kill
16:53
myself. I want to die.
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How can I think in a way so I could die, kill myself?
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I just felt I was so disgusted with myself to the point where
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you know what I, he called me and he's like, oh, sorry, they
17:05
didn't come. But once you come over again,
17:06
they're, they're going to come. This time, same things happened.
17:09
This time I ended up snatching some of the drug and took it
17:13
home. I was so humiliated again with
17:16
myself that I did so much. I wanted to kill myself.
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So I'm literally sitting there in the in the apartment thinking
17:22
my heart's going to come out of my chest.
17:24
And this is the moment when it's like I'm telling you that God
17:28
showed. It was like I tell everybody,
17:30
it's me, emotional. It's like, God, I, I had this, I
17:38
had this visual of this moment where I feel like God just said
17:42
enough and he left his throne to come down and rescue me.
17:48
Because in that moment my heart was coming out of my chest.
17:51
And I remember the, the, the, I was like, I'm dying and I was
17:55
going so fast. I was like, and I was like, I
17:57
tears are coming down my eyes and I remember crying out
17:59
saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
18:02
I'm like, Oh my God, I'm going to die alone in this apartment.
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You know, no one's going to find me forever.
18:06
You know, I'm like, my mom's going to be devastated thinking
18:08
about all the stuff. And I was like, and I cried out
18:11
to God because that's what I the only thing I knew to do.
18:17
And for whatever reason, he decided to come down and visit
18:21
me in that moment. All I know is in that moment in
18:25
my room, there was AI felt a heat hit me like a like a blow.
18:29
I said, that's how I describe it.
18:31
Blow dryer that hot air. And then I felt like a hot and
18:34
then I felt like oil going going over my head, oil and heat from
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like a like hot air. And it was in that moment I felt
18:42
just this amazing piece that hit me.
18:45
And I remember thinking to myself, this is what death is.
18:47
I'm dying. This is it.
18:48
I'm dying. I'm just, I'm stepping out and I
18:51
don't know how much time transpired between that moment.
18:54
So all I know is in, in the matter of moments, I snapped out
18:57
of it and I ran into the bathroom and we're checking my
19:00
pulse. I was like splashing water on my
19:02
face. Am I alive?
19:03
Am I dead? Oh my God.
19:05
I'm going to go back in the room and see me laying on the floor.
19:07
I'm out of my body. What's going on?
19:09
No, I was completely, completely sober in like a moment's time.
19:15
I had done it before many times, and that stuff stayed, man.
19:17
It would be in me for four or five days later.
19:19
I could still feel the effects, still get the jitters and feel
19:22
everything. But I'm telling you that
19:24
specific moment, it like flushed through my body and was like, it
19:27
was like I was a new person. And I remember just busting down
19:31
crying my eyes out. And it was so wild because at
19:34
the same time I got a a phone call from an old friend and he
19:37
had called me and he was like, man, I just woke up.
19:39
I was going to work, thought I needed to call you.
19:41
And he lived in Carson City, NV and as my friend Jerry, and he's
19:46
like one of the biggest franchise owners there for
19:48
Domino's Pizza, great friend I'd met in a prior business
19:51
endeavour. And he said, are you OK?
19:54
And I broke down, told him everything.
19:57
I said, man, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a fake.
20:00
I'm such a fake. I've lived, you know, I came out
20:03
here, but dude, you don't even know me.
20:04
You met me at a business meeting before.
20:06
But man, I'm like, I struggle with my sexuality now.
20:09
I said, you know, I was abused. I went through this.
20:11
I'm like drugs, alcohol. I've done so many horrible,
20:15
horrible, horrible. I, I don't even know where to
20:17
begin now. And he's like, don't do
20:19
anything. I'm going to get you out of
20:20
there. Came and got me out and took me
20:23
to his town for a summer. And it was even in that moment
20:26
there, man, where, you know, God turned some things around for
20:30
me. But it's so wild.
20:30
Just like everyone that reads my story goes, and here's where he
20:33
starts to ascend and things are good.
20:41
God's grace. I understand it and it's not
20:44
this, you know, permission to just do whatever you want, but
20:47
what it, for me, it is where God had empathy and sympathy and
20:54
compassion for me, knowing my struggles, knowing what I went
20:57
through and decided to show me grace in a moment where I should
21:00
be dead. Why I believe he's got something
21:05
he wants me to do or 'cause you know what?
21:07
And this, and I say this like very humbly, because I know
21:10
there's people that haven't made it.
21:12
They haven't come out of those situations and they passed away
21:15
or, and I don't, that's why I don't say this like trying to
21:18
puff myself up like I think I'm all that because I don't, I
21:22
think I'm a piece. And why would you save me?
21:25
Why God, why? Why me?
21:28
There's so many other people out there.
21:30
I was so lost in this and it and I really felt it was that the
21:33
answer I got was because this is where I have to share this piece
21:37
because I was at this, I started messing around with this girl in
21:40
Carson City old, you know, I'm back to my old ways a little
21:44
bit. And finally she goes, let's go
21:46
to church and I'm like, I don't want to go to church and I go to
21:48
church and I hid in the bathroom during the service and she was
21:51
so mad at me and I came out and the pastor walks up to me and he
21:54
says, This is why I know why God's give me this grace because
21:58
he said, young man, how are you? And I was just like, here we go.
22:03
I remember doing this. I'm good, I'm good.
22:05
Thank you. He's like, and he called me son.
22:09
He's like, son, he put his hand on my shoulder and normally if a
22:13
man put his hand on me, it would make me a little jumpy because
22:16
of what happened. I was like, I almost want to
22:18
punch you if you, if you're a man and you did that to me a
22:20
very, you know, because of the abuse and I but I didn't and it
22:25
felt warm and he looked me in the eye and he said it broke
22:28
God's heart the day that happened to you and your kit
22:31
when you were childhood, that childhood friend and that coach
22:36
and I'm just like, and immediately I was like mocked in
22:40
with my hair on fire. I was ready to.
22:41
I looked at that girl that I was messing around with and I
22:45
thought, how dare you? But here's the thing.
22:48
I never told her. I never told anybody.
22:52
I was like, and I literally broke and I fell into the man's
22:58
arms and they started praying for me.
23:00
And I know they probably delivered me from a lot of junk
23:04
that moment because I felt it and a lot of prayer laying on
23:08
the ground, some deliverance. And I remember standing up
23:12
feeling like 100 lbs lighter and just totally moved and knowing
23:17
that God was real. And it was, it was even in that
23:19
moment where like I could start to hear the voice of God.
23:22
Tell people that they said, when did you start really hearing the
23:24
voice of God? I think it was in that moment
23:26
because I started hearing things like, you know, just like my
23:29
calling and my purpose and I want you to reach people.
23:31
All this. I'm just like I remember telling
23:33
the pastor later I was like, man, I keep hearing this in my
23:35
head like Hollywood and go reach people for Jesus and he's smiled
23:40
at me and he's like, that sounds like God, you know, and I said,
23:43
I don't know, is it or is the devil and he goes, well, if it's
23:45
reaching people for Jesus, I go that's seriously doubt that's a
23:48
devil. Oh, that's where I ended up
23:51
going back to LA and broke off that relationship with the girl.
23:55
And the more details are in the book, but, and there's still a
23:58
few more hiccups along the way, but I'm still a work in
24:02
progress. And I got to tell you that for
24:05
anyone that feels like they are unseen, you know what it's like.
24:08
Let me tell you something. God sees everything, man, does
24:13
He see everything we think. You think what you're doing in
24:16
that dark room. You think what you did with that
24:19
woman. You think what you did with that
24:21
man. You think what you did.
24:23
You think what you did the alcohol that you're doing or the
24:25
drugs that you're hiding. You think he doesn't see any of
24:28
that. And it's just you're in this all
24:30
by yourself. Hey, man, you're not.
24:34
He sees it all. He sees it all.
24:36
You know that scripture talks about.
24:38
I'm if you make your bed in hell, I'll be right there with
24:40
you. And I'm telling you what?
24:41
He parked up a chair and sat next to me for a long time.
24:45
I wouldn't have. I'd have been like, you're a
24:47
loser, get out of here. But he did.
24:49
He parked up a chair next to me, waited patiently.
24:52
People tried to tell me later on, Oh, you found God, huh?
24:55
John, here it comes. He found God because he's in a
24:58
low moment of his life. I'm like, and let me tell you
25:01
something, I was running from God and literally turned around
25:07
and he's right there. Never.
25:09
He never left something I found him.
25:11
He never left. So it was back in October of
25:18
this year when at the current church I'm at, when I've been
25:22
married and divorced, two kids and then now remarried and my
25:27
wife that I have now have eight years, she's been like, you got
25:29
to write your story. You got to write your story.
25:31
Your story is nuts. You got to write your story.
25:34
And I'm like, Nah, I don't want to write.
25:35
It's too much. But you know what?
25:38
God took me to the course. I said He took me to the word.
25:42
You confess your sins to God, you're forgiven, confess your
25:47
sins to man, you're healed. And I was like, my gosh, it
25:54
like, like light bulb went off. My wife said it to me.
25:56
And I was like, man, And one day I'm in church and it just was
26:01
like a like an epiphany that the pastor had given me a, a segment
26:07
of a book that he had written backstage like a week or so ago,
26:11
or I mean, a week or so at that time and had said, Hey, I want
26:14
you to read this part of this book that I'm writing and blah,
26:16
blah, blah. He hadn't given it to anybody
26:17
else. So during the during, he always
26:20
prays for people at the end of the service.
26:21
So at the end of the service, he says he was walking around and
26:25
so interesting who he picked out.
26:26
There's people come from all over the world of our church to
26:28
get prayed for. It's crazy with the miracles
26:30
I've seen. And this man, he says he's
26:33
getting ready to pray for this guy.
26:34
And he goes, wait a minute, where's the man I gave the book
26:36
to? And I'm thinking, why didn't you
26:38
just call me by my name? You know what?
26:41
My wife's hitting me and she's like talking about you.
26:43
I'm like me. I'm like, wait, what?
26:46
And he goes, yes. And I look up and he goes, it's
26:49
your time, come to me. And you have to understand
26:51
something. During all this time, actually,
26:53
I'd used to be in ministry during that time with my first
26:55
wife. And I didn't want to.
26:56
That's a whole another segment. I got into ministry.
26:59
It had been ordained. I went through some things and
27:01
then had a, had a, had a failure again.
27:04
And I'm like, I am the worst, worst of worst.
27:09
And that's why I'm like faceless man because I'm like, who the
27:11
heck am I man? But this this prophet and pastor
27:15
called me out and said it's your time and I had been I so I told
27:21
God I would never be in ministry either.
27:22
Done won't do it. I'm afraid I'll I'll fail and
27:25
make your name bad. Lord, I don't want to make your
27:27
name bad. I'm the I'm going to mess up if
27:29
I get in ministry. I'm scared of myself.
27:30
And when he said that, he called me over and he says, I want you
27:34
to pray for this man. And, and, and, and the man had
27:37
been struggling with addiction and I was like, I had never told
27:40
any of this to my pastor, nothing.
27:43
So I started praying for the guy and he and I just, I was like,
27:46
man. And he had, I thought, this is
27:49
crazy that God would use me in this moment, you know, and but
27:52
but the biggest thing was when we got home, my wife looked, we
27:55
were sitting on the couch and she said, you know what, babe?
27:57
She's like, what did he say? I said, the man I gave the book
28:00
to. She goes, yeah, she goes, that's
28:02
what he said, but read into that.
28:05
And I was like, pray about that. And I went and it hit me.
28:09
And she goes, that's God saying the man I gave the book to, it's
28:13
your time. That was on October 9th.
28:16
I sat down the next day, opened up my computer by pass, my
28:21
iPhone, everything, and I said I'm going to write my book.
28:26
Two months didn't stop. 6:00 AM tonight, midnight, Go and go and
28:33
go and go. And I was afraid I wasn't going
28:34
to have enough. Then I had too much that I had
28:37
to get chopped down still didn't.
28:39
I finally have 360 something pages or 40 pages.
28:42
But it's not even close to being my story.
28:44
But that is what it is. And, you know, now I have a
28:47
publisher and and this guy's like, put it on every platform.
28:50
And I mean, it's a miracle. It is a flat out miracle.
28:54
The only reason I did this book was not.
28:56
Yeah, Do I want it to sell and do great percent.
28:59
I'm not going to sit there and say no, I want to speak, I want
29:02
to go out. But listen, this I said people
29:05
have to hear this story because this story is I call it's for
29:09
the I said this earlier on the little video short I did.
29:12
I was like, you know, you're it's it's like or your God takes
29:18
ordinary people and turns into extraordinary by the hardships
29:21
that we experience, you know, and it's like, don't think that
29:24
you're too far gone. Don't think that the mistakes
29:27
you've made, you're that God still can't use you.
29:30
I'm all I was like this. You got a pulse.
29:32
Yeah, you're going. Yeah, Cool.
29:35
Guess what? God can use you.
29:37
Let's go. Yeah, you know, you're sharing
29:40
here and I just I all these questions are just kind of
29:42
running through my head. And so I want to I want to jump
29:46
in here and, and get to a few questions that I think some of
29:50
the listeners maybe maybe thinking right now.
29:54
And so as you've been talking about the addiction and the
29:57
things that you've been going through there that you went
29:59
through, you know, specifically on the addiction side, you know,
30:04
it often hides inside of high performance.
30:09
We, we, we, we make sure that we're performing this such a
30:12
high thing so that people don't look at what's going on behind
30:15
the scenes. How did that show up for you in
30:19
your life? And then how did you justify it
30:21
in that time? It you know what it would always
30:26
for me, it shows up when you know, right when I'm I'm just
30:30
like getting hit again with a million things and and that's
30:32
what it popped up again in my first marriage, 15 years working
30:37
in the church, everything great, two kids, but got into it.
30:41
The pastor. It's neither here nor there
30:44
about a situate about the way I was doing the youth service and
30:47
he didn't like something And next thing you know, he decides
30:49
to fire me on the spot. My wife was the worship leader.
30:52
We had a newborn and it devastated me, devastated me.
30:58
I'm like, how could you do this? And this was my comeback moment,
31:04
supposedly, and it wrecked me, you know, and that's where, you
31:09
know, for me, that's where in the middle of all that it, it
31:12
snuck back in and, you know, it wasn't the drugs rate, but it
31:16
was started, you know, the, the drinking and, and just, you
31:19
know, little here, little there, little here, little here, you
31:21
know, And then at the time, I was in the Navy reserves for
31:26
911. So honestly, I would go away on
31:29
Navy weekends and it was my time to kind of just unwind, you
31:33
know, and I kept telling myself, oh, it's just this one time.
31:36
It's just this one time again, hang out with the boys and they
31:40
would call me the Hollywood preacher.
31:42
That was a kind of nickname me that you know, but then I felt
31:45
like such a hypocrite, you know, because I would be on a Friday
31:48
night checking into the base, going out, having some drinks
31:51
with the boys, doing our drill weekend.
31:54
And then Sunday when I'm like, Hey, I want to do a Bible study,
31:57
you know, I felt like such a hypocrite.
31:59
But I did, you know, it was my way to kind of make my justify
32:03
myself, if you will, you know, and then it's been like, that
32:07
is, you know, that's always been kind of the Achilles heel for me
32:11
is a traumatic situation to kind of trigger, trigger something
32:15
back, if that makes sense. So, you know, and it, it
32:19
basically my, my first wife, we just, we went separate ways, you
32:23
know, and it was tough. And then it wasn't until I've,
32:26
you know, got with the current wife that I have now.
32:29
And she's like, you know, she met me and I was just like, I
32:33
was working for a celebrity. I mean, I spent 20 years in the
32:36
private security sector and she met me.
32:38
I was I used to work for Kardashians and Kanye and I mean
32:42
God's favor is this crazy, crazy favor he gives me like like in
32:47
the middle of madness and I'm in that and I'm able to always pay
32:52
my bills and take care of myself live in Southern California.
32:55
And then I met Deborah and she's like, do you want to date me?
33:00
You need to get to church and you got to sober up.
33:03
And she had a degree in psychology and addiction
33:07
recovery and what not. So she's been, was my own
33:10
personal recovery specialist, if you will.
33:14
And you know, I had a few hiccups here and there, not, you
33:18
know, nothing too bad, but just moments where I just sit down
33:21
like I just want to do it again, you know, but she's been been
33:24
very graceful for me. And I've, you know, been walking
33:27
a pretty clean path for quite a while.
33:31
But what I asked God, I said, why does this not leave me?
33:36
You know, I've been in church environments, I've been in
33:38
places where it says I'm healed, been delivered and I believe it.
33:43
But yet Friday night rolls around, you know, and all of a
33:50
sudden I get some bad news. My kids are pissed at me.
33:54
They yell at me and I'm hurt and I'm like, I just want to
33:59
disappear for a little while. So.
34:01
And I asked, I said, why does this continue?
34:03
Why wouldn't you take this from me?
34:04
It's not fair. And I tried everything.
34:09
And he just said son, and he says, son, I know he's being
34:13
serious. He says, my grace is sufficient
34:16
for you. And I was like, and and he took
34:19
me to the scripture where and a lot of people, you know what,
34:22
everyone can have their differences on doctrine.
34:24
But all I know is this scripture, a light lit up for me
34:28
and it spoke to my heart and talking about the thorn in the
34:32
flesh. And I know a lot of people talk
34:34
about that. I've seen so many arguments
34:35
about it. And I always go, I'm out, I know
34:38
how this relates to me and I believe God shared this part
34:41
with me that he's left it there and that's gone against and that
34:45
makes some of the people over on this side of ministry that I've
34:48
been around that don't like that statement because you're whole,
34:51
you're good. And I'm like, and then over here
34:54
it's it's well, I don't like that you're taking it out of
34:57
context. And I'm like, and I'm like, let
34:59
me tell you what I believe the Holy Spirit share with me.
35:02
John David Gregory, that's all I can say.
35:04
You, I don't know me. That thorn has stuck there
35:09
because it's a reminder that I need.
35:15
Don't we all? Don't we all?
35:17
And I humbly say that I have not arrived, that I am walking this
35:22
out day-to-day. And and it's not the it's not
35:26
the end, it's the beginning of the end.
35:28
I always say, excuse me, it's the end of the beginning.
35:31
And now I'm living my day out. And each day that I share this
35:34
story, that I that I walk this walk is God is putting me back
35:39
together piece by piece until I go be with him.
35:42
I know that. And for those that have had the
35:45
I am delivered and I am free for sober 20 Congratulations, me.
35:55
I'm I'm in this battle daily, brother, and it's a fight.
35:59
But today I'm good, and by the grace of God, here ye I stand,
36:03
the faceless man. I say no more because now I know
36:07
who I am in Christ and I'm not going to let that sucker have me
36:11
put that mat because that's what they did.
36:12
As the enemy tries to come and get you to put that mask back
36:15
on, John, put the mask back on. Come on, just put it back on.
36:19
Disappear for a little bit. Come on.
36:23
You describe you describe this miraculous deliverance in the
36:27
church and the prophetic word that shifted everything.
36:30
When that happened, when that happened, what changed inside of
36:36
you, not emotionally or structurally, and how did your
36:39
thinking and your habits and really your identity begin to
36:42
change and realign at that point?
36:45
You know, there's those two instances where I call like
36:49
those divine mobile like that one in Carson with that past.
36:52
It was like, for me, it was like, it was like it was, it was
36:55
kind of, and this is this is kind of a supernatural moment
36:57
for me where excuse me, where I'm like, I don't want to do
37:02
that. No more.
37:03
Like I literally like I wanted to just I was so I just wanted
37:09
to listen to tapes. I'd find ministers and at the
37:12
time we, you know, showing my age, but I would just find
37:14
cassette tapes and listen, listen to ministers on cassette.
37:17
And I just wanted, I was hungry for God.
37:19
It was like, it's like it was a shift.
37:21
And and that's what that was. That was a big deal for me.
37:24
I went from stripper hungry for God.
37:30
I just wanted to listen to the word.
37:31
Don't want to do that no more. That's weird.
37:34
You know, even my friends are like, dude, are you OK?
37:37
What's wrong with you? You know what, Even to the point
37:39
where I had this hot girl I was with and she's like, she's the
37:42
one that took me to church. And let me tell you, she was
37:44
hot. And I was like, I was like, I
37:49
can't do this. What?
37:51
I took you to church. Like, yeah.
37:54
But there was something that I can't explain that was that's
37:58
that started that shift where it was like here and then and then
38:02
I started going down this path. You know, the and for the, the
38:07
moment with the in that, with the, with, I believe with that
38:09
prophetic moment was like for me, it was like very foretelling
38:15
because even the fact that the even the man had an addiction,
38:19
you know, and I was supposed to pray.
38:20
I felt like this was foretelling because I'm praying for a man
38:23
that had an addiction. I've been in that situation
38:25
before where I had the prayer too, But at the same time I'm
38:28
writing a book about all of this as well.
38:30
So this was kind of like my launching pad.
38:32
So for me it was, it was a again, it's, it's a, it's like a
38:36
divine moment. I don't it's hard really to
38:39
describe because it's, it's something shifts in your mind,
38:42
like your, it's like, it's like, it's like a message room for
38:45
heaven. And the only thing I can think
38:47
is like, come finally it gets to you.
38:49
It's like a it finally arrives, like the e-mail finally shows up
38:52
that it's been trying to get to you for years and it goes boom.
38:57
You've got mail, you know, and it's like, Oh my gosh.
39:00
And I read it and I'm like, it's kind of like, thank you.
39:03
I feel like the Lord just gave me this kind of the children of
39:05
an Israel when they're wandering and wandering and wandering, yet
39:08
they were so close to the promised land the whole time.
39:12
You know, it's he's kind of the it's he's let me these these
39:15
kind of things that happened where it's like that divine.
39:18
It's, it's a divine unction that happens and it, it is, it's a,
39:21
you know, again, and that regard for me, it was a divine, it was
39:25
a divine unction that happened, you know.
39:28
So. I'm on both sides of that, of
39:30
that thing. After these things happened, you
39:34
know, there's a rebuilding process that kind of had to take
39:37
start in your life. Walk us through briefly what it
39:41
took to start rebuilding your life on a day-to-day basis.
39:47
You know, for the first thing you have to do is change your
39:49
environment. Yeah, For me, it was like, I
39:52
remember when I got back to LA, I'm going back out to that
39:56
moment. I got rid of my phone.
39:58
I got rid of my phone number. At the time, I think I had a
40:00
pager since I'm dating myself. But I I got rid of all that,
40:04
changed everything and started brand new, all the old.
40:07
I had to just cut off everyone from that past because I didn't
40:13
want any chance of. Possibly slipping back into that
40:17
direction and at the time I I dove into it's like I I'm a very
40:21
my mom always said that I haven't.
40:23
She actually was. I dove right into church.
40:25
Like I got involved in this local church.
40:27
I mean, I was there when the doors opened.
40:29
I'm like, I'm sweeping floors. I was armor bearing for the
40:31
past. I mean, I was doing everything.
40:33
It was like my mom called me. She's like, son, you have this
40:36
personality where you just go all in every.
40:39
You need to balance this out a little bit.
40:41
I didn't listen to her, you know, but I was just like, I
40:44
felt safe when I was at the church because I was afraid of
40:47
myself. So I just dove into church and,
40:51
and, and I loved it. I loved every second of it and
40:55
changed my environment. And it was that where I met my
40:57
first wife and she was a worship leader.
40:59
And, you know, we ended up getting married and dove in and
41:03
the next thing you know, after, you know, I was, I was a youth
41:06
pastor and taking care of the pastor's kids and all these
41:09
kinds of things. So, you know, it was like you
41:12
have to me, you have to change your environment and, and the
41:14
people that you're around. Like I like what my pastor says,
41:17
like you want to, you want to know I can tell who I can tell
41:20
you exactly who you are. You know how I don't need a
41:23
prophetic word from God. You know how I do it?
41:25
I just, I just pull up five people that you hang out with.
41:28
I'll tell you exactly who you are.
41:31
Pretty easy. So that for me was a big one And
41:35
I I wanted to have men of God, family men, you know, I didn't
41:39
need to have people, you know, that are struggling in different
41:42
places. I could talk to them, be friends
41:44
with them, but we ain't hanging out, You know, I had to, I had
41:48
to really just radically kind of change that environment for
41:51
myself. So, and then even on the other
41:54
element, I guess what you know, it's like even on the before,
42:01
like even starting this book, it's like, you know, it, it's
42:04
it's really get it. For me.
42:05
It was getting over like fear of I had, I was nervous to tell the
42:11
story because I was afraid people like in the I, I had to
42:15
share the details of this story, not to glorify sin, not to
42:20
sensationalize it. And I felt like God said, I want
42:23
you to tell it because it's freeing for me, because I've hid
42:29
it. So when you think about your
42:32
book, you know, you mentioned that you wrote it in basically
42:35
two months after he told you to do this, which having written a
42:39
book myself and it took me several years, I think about
42:43
writing in one in two months. And it's just kind of, it's just
42:45
crazy even think about. Why do you think that God asked
42:50
you to put the language to the your story so quickly?
42:54
And what did writing it expose inside of you that maybe you
43:00
hadn't fully processed yet? I think that he wanted me to get
43:04
it out so quickly because again, it ought to me.
43:09
It comes back all to the love of the father that he has.
43:12
I think he's seen some suffering in me and a lot of and I feel
43:16
like he yes, there's people this book needs to reach, but I
43:21
believe that the true, true why it was like get this done.
43:24
So because I I had started to slow.
43:30
Maybe there was some glitzes of maybe going back again and
43:33
temptations and just feeling down.
43:35
I was struggling with depression and my kid.
43:37
All this stuff was going on and I'm just like God, I need to
43:40
like, what do you want from me? I'm you know, and I feel like it
43:46
was a divine unction for him to say, you know, one thing.
43:49
I know when you start helping others again, it's it brings you
43:52
freedom. And I feel like it was a real
43:54
big deal and for him to really push that in me to get it done.
43:57
And also, let's be transparent about this.
44:01
I think of course, every generation says this, but I
44:04
think Jesus is coming soon, man. And I don't know what day it is
44:07
of the time, but there's that, there's that at our church, we
44:10
say, Maranatha, the year of the Lord is at hand.
44:13
And that could be 100 years. But we believe, and I'm just
44:17
believing with myself that it's, it's a, it's a holy reverential
44:21
fear of God that says we have to do what we're created to do.
44:26
Earth is short, you know, heaven is a turn.
44:28
We've got to get this message out.
44:30
And I really believe that there's people's lives in the
44:32
balance. And God, he needed me to get
44:34
that out quickly. Literally life and death as you
44:36
know, and especially it's, you know, 'cause my, my story is, is
44:40
each segment, there's addiction, there's this, there's sexuality,
44:43
there's sexual confusion, identity, there's all, you know,
44:46
the stripper stories, all these things I've done, it's like, and
44:49
coming back all the right, even in ministry.
44:51
I mean, I was shredded in a ministry shredded, you know, and
44:56
how do you get through that? You know, it's like I feel like
45:00
there's nothing, I've, nothing surprises me anymore.
45:02
I, I feel like I can speak to different areas and people that
45:05
have gone through so much trauma in, in every area of life.
45:08
What did writing it expose inside of you that and allow you
45:13
to be able to process? Man, let me tell you, I sat at
45:18
this table inside my house and cried so many nights riding
45:22
this. I would literally would take the
45:24
computer and shut it and weep. And especially going through the
45:28
childhood stuff that was the hardest for me.
45:31
Now my parents are no longer here.
45:32
So that's a, you know, that's been tough.
45:34
And it showed that for me. One I still had, you know,
45:37
again, that's why I realized with this book that and this and
45:43
this is humbling to say because I've always been I'm healed, I'm
45:46
restored, I'm redeemed, but it was like God broke me down to
45:52
show me that I'm still a work in progress.
45:58
My story is not the the faceless man.
46:02
And now I'm now I'm king of the world.
46:07
And brother, you need to get right with the Lord and sister,
46:10
come to the Lord today. Watch me.
46:13
I'm who you should follow. Oh, no, it's brother, sister,
46:19
follow him. I'm going to do my best.
46:23
I'm, I'm going to pray to God that I, I, I can, I finished
46:26
this life strong, But at the end of the day, if I fail, please
46:31
don't keep your eyes on me. Promise me you'll keep them on
46:34
him. That's why I told my kids, your
46:37
dad is going to do everything he can by the grace of God to
46:39
continue to walk and be tough and fall the Lord Jesus Christ
46:42
my whole life. But you know what?
46:46
If I slip and fall again, which I hope I don't, I said please no
46:52
blame God. Don't keep your eyes on him.
46:58
You know, I have a couple quick questions for you to to kind of
47:02
wrap up this episode. But before I get to these
47:05
questions, I want to give you a chance here real quick.
47:07
What is the name of the book again?
47:08
And where can people find it? And then if they want to find
47:11
out more about you, where can they find you online?
47:14
That's awesome. Yeah.
47:15
You can go to John David gregory.com John JOHNDAVID
47:21
Gregory, John David gregory.com. It kind of has my bio there.
47:26
It has a couple links to the to the book.
47:28
It's on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and it has all kinds of
47:31
others. And also all my social media
47:33
links are on that website as well.
47:35
I really hope people follow me on YouTube.
47:37
I just opened up this YouTube channel and I've been given some
47:40
advice to start to share some clips daily 2 minute clips of
47:43
inspiration stories from the faceless man.
47:46
Just to try to encourage people and inspire people.
47:48
You know that you're not alone, that you know, I've walked
47:51
through some stuff and hey, there's someone out there maybe
47:53
you can relate to, so that would be awesome.
47:57
Perfect. Well, I'll leave a link to his
47:59
website and in the show notes and you can find all those other
48:03
links there. So a lot of people that are out
48:05
there that are listening may appear successful on paper, but
48:10
privately they're struggling with identity, sexual
48:13
brokenness, shame of their past, you name it.
48:17
What would you say to the person out there, the man out there who
48:21
looks strong but feels invisible?
48:29
I'd say you're not alone. I'd say, brother, it's like it's
48:36
like being in a room like this and the spotlights on you and
48:41
you got success. It's like people look to me
48:44
successful been this. I've worked with these people,
48:46
all the names they want to say you and you feel so alone
48:51
because you're hiding behind the shame and all of a sudden I
48:56
believe they turn on the light. You look around him, him, him,
49:03
him, him. I can't tell you how many people
49:07
I've had openly, actually, I, I've had so many people reach
49:10
out to me. People I've had transsexuals
49:12
reach out to me. I've had homosexuals reach out
49:14
to me. People, other addiction, I mean,
49:17
different people just say, hey, you know what?
49:19
I might not agree with your religion, but your story rocked
49:24
me and it's making me think. And that's what I tell them.
49:30
Listen, you're not alone. A lot of these people that we
49:33
judge and look at, I'm not condoning, but I'm saying you
49:37
don't know what they've been through and half, and I would
49:39
say more than most of them have been through some kind of
49:41
traumatic situation. So to that man, I'd say, hey
49:44
brother, hey sister, you are not alone.
49:48
There's people out there like me.
49:49
And the second thing I would say, Oh my gosh, confess your
49:53
sin to God. You'll be forgiven.
49:58
Share your story with a brother. You don't have to be like me and
50:03
come tell the whole world. I've just that was my choice at
50:05
56 years old to start to do this because I needed to do this for
50:08
myself because I felt like this is a safeguard for me to even
50:12
stay where I need to stay and be and be held accountable.
50:16
But you need to to share. You need to Share your story
50:20
with somebody so you can start to heal again.
50:27
So for the person that's out there, I, I, I love to leave my
50:32
listeners with an action step, something that they can do right
50:35
now to begin moving forward. And so for the person that's out
50:40
there that's listening and they recognize now that they've been
50:43
wearing a mask, maybe then maybe they've been wearing, wearing
50:47
one for years. What is 1 specific action that
50:51
they can take today, this week, to begin dismantling and taking
50:58
off that mask? And I'm not looking for a vague
51:01
spiritual answer, but really a concrete step that will move
51:04
them forward in freedom. Find somebody you trust and tell
51:09
them. Find somebody you trust and say,
51:12
hey, like my friend that called me that day, that was the
51:17
beginning step for me. I said you think I'm AB and C
51:21
but I'm XY and Z and that was the beginning when I started to
51:26
tell the truth. And I'm telling you the truth
51:28
sets you free. That scripture we take to wait.
51:30
And I'm not trying to be spooky spiritual with this, but I'm
51:33
telling you it begins by you sharing this and telling
51:37
somebody hacked if you can't. We weren't created to just bear
51:41
all of this stuff. And as you start to share and
51:45
come out and not vent, and I'm not saying don't.
51:48
What's the old saying? Give your pearls A swine.
51:50
That's not what I'm saying. Find somebody, pray, ask God.
51:54
I dare I say I dare. Find somebody.
51:56
Ask God, Who can I? Is there a brother that I can
51:58
trust? A pastor, a leader, a friend,
52:01
somebody that I can say, here's what, here's who you see me as.
52:07
Here's who I really AM. And that, my friend, will start
52:12
you on the path to recovery. Well, John, David, thank you so
52:17
much for joining us here today on Unmasked and being willing
52:20
to, again, just Share your story so openly and honestly.
52:24
I know there's a lot that you didn't get to and we probably
52:27
are just scratching the surface, but I truly appreciate you
52:29
taking the time. It's an honor.
52:32
Thank you so much. I hope somebody could take learn
52:35
something from this today. I mean a lot, absolutely.
52:43
Well, thanks for joining me today on Unmasked and again, a
52:45
huge thanks to my guest, John David Gregory for joining us and
52:49
sharing so openly and honestly. If sometime in this episode
52:52
spoke to you, don't let it stop with you.
52:54
Take a moment and share it with somebody else that put God put
52:57
on your heart because you never know whose breakthrough might
53:00
start with just that simple message.
53:02
If you want more encouragement, you want to work with me
53:04
one-on-one, or you're interested in having me speak at your
53:07
church or event, you can find everything you need to know at
53:10
wesleyfernsworth.com. And make sure you join the
53:13
Unmasked community by connecting with me on social media so that
53:16
we can keep walking this journey together.
53:19
Until next time, remember that grace is greater than your past
53:23
and freedom begins the moment that you choose to live
53:26
unmasked. God bless you.