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104 | Pissin' Me Timbers · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Eric: Matt, I got a piss story.
• 0:01
  Eric: A piss story.
• 0:03
  Matt: This one happened yesterday.
• 0:04
  Matt: Okay, I hope you've pissed since then.
• 0:07
  Matt: I have.
• 0:09
  Matt: Are we talking about piss?
• 0:10
  Matt: We're talking about piss.
• 0:12
  Matt: All right, eric, and you feel it's appropriate to start the show in the toilet.
• 0:19
  Eric: Let me add this layer to it.
• 0:20
  Eric: I'm not going to be talking about piss.
• 0:22
  Eric: I'm going to be talking about talking about piss.
• 0:24
  Eric: Okay, I'm not going to be talking about piss.
• 0:25
  Eric: I'm going to be talking about talking about piss.
• 0:26
  Eric: Okay, I'm in All right.
• 0:27
  Eric: So yesterday I was in an illustrious establishment, the Hard Yacht Cafe.
• 0:33
  Matt: Oh yes, I know the Hard Yacht Cafe by reputation only.
• 0:37
  Matt: Yeah, it is a little gem, by which I mean we were going to meet there one day, and then we didn't.
• 0:44
  Eric: Yes, and then we were going to meet at the Guin meet there one day, and then we didn't.
• 0:45
  Eric: Yes, and then we were going to meet at the guinness brewery, and then we didn't.
• 0:48
  Eric: We settled for uh, what was it?
• 0:51
  Eric: Uh, it was glory day or no, it was glory days grill or something, yeah, but I'm in the hard yacht.
• 0:58
  Eric: I'm, I'm, it's me and alissa.
• 1:00
  Eric: We're getting lunch with some friends of ours, the La Martinez, who I sincerely hope will come guest on our show at some point.
• 1:08
  Eric: They said they would.
• 1:09
  Eric: They're delightful humans.
• 1:11
  Matt: We talked about this last episode.
• 1:12
  Matt: They directed you in the movie, in the music video, and they will be on the show.
• 1:18
  Eric: And we had just seen the premiere of the movie the night before and it went splendidly Excellent.
• 1:23
  Eric: It was really fucking wild seeing my mug on a giant screen and people laughing at my jokes.
• 1:28
  Eric: It was dope.
• 1:29
  Eric: It was dope, yeah, man.
• 1:30
  Eric: But we were getting lunch at the hard yacht and at one point I get up to go use the bathroom.
• 1:36
  Eric: Okay, now I go into the bathroom of the hard yacht cafe and I am in the brig and truly matt, is that what they call it?
• 1:45
  Eric: That's the prison isn't it the head?
• 1:49
  Matt: the head, the head, my.
• 1:50
  Matt: It's a good thing my dad doesn't listen to this show.
• 1:53
  Matt: He's a navy man.
• 1:54
  Eric: He'd be ashamed, he'd be like, I do not like the cut of this man's jib.
• 1:58
  Eric: Who?
• 1:59
  Eric: This is no son of mine, uh so but but like describing it like a brig is actually pretty act because you go in, it is, it is Matt, it is.
• 2:11
  Eric: You walk in sink, urinal, singular stall and the entire bathroom is like five feet by five feet it is.
• 2:19
  Eric: It is a very it's a very small, intimate bathroom.
• 2:22
  Eric: So I go in, I'm sitting in the stall, I'm doing I know I'm doing my grim work and there's a guy at the urinal and I cannot stress this enough, we are the only people in here, okay and he's peeing, he's pissing and he's pissing.
• 2:41
  Eric: He just keeps pissing for a little bit and then I just hear it just keeps coming out.
• 2:47
  Eric: Man, damn.
• 2:53
  Matt: Oh man.
• 2:54
  Eric: It just keeps coming out, man Damn.
• 2:58
  Matt: Do you feel like he knew someone else was there and he knew he was, I'm assuming audibly pissing, like he's not a sit sprinkler and we have the sounds of a waterfall.
• 3:09
  Matt: I'm assuming that's all happening?
• 3:12
  Matt: Do you think there was a level of like social anxiety where he was like, oh, I better make a joke about this because the other guy's like, wow, this guy's fucking pissing a blue streak well, like here's the thing there was no hint of bit in his voice.
• 3:30
  Eric: Yeah, in fact, his inflection suggested to me that like, it sounded to me like he was like, like the, like the experience.
• 3:39
  Eric: I feel like he got freaky friday'd with his, with his like wife or something, because like he was baffled that piss would be coming out of his, out of his, out of his.
• 3:49
  Eric: You know his peeper.
• 3:50
  Eric: Did you see this man?
• 3:52
  Eric: I saw him afterwards.
• 3:54
  Eric: He looked like someone who would be a regular at the hard yacht cafe ball gap, ball cap, sunglasses on indoors oh, indoors is it nighttime?
• 4:06
  Eric: I'm assuming it's nighttime it was in the middle of the afternoon.
• 4:10
  Matt: Okay, it was, and but like we were firmly indoors, do you judge people who wear sunglasses indoors that are not of a certain notoriety?
• 4:20
  Matt: Because I do I.
• 4:25
  Eric: I don't judge them so much as I I I feel bad for them because I'm like all right, the reason you're wearing sunglasses indoors right now is because you are terrified of intimacy or anyone looking you in the eye and you need to like, have this like hard exterior.
• 4:41
  Matt: But this exterior doesn't make you look hard, this makes you look terrified it's one thing when it's tinted glasses that are like part of that, are part of like a look, that are part of an ensemble.
• 4:51
  Matt: Yes, that's one thing but it's another when you're fucking just bringing your oakleys into the hard yacht now sometimes the only time that I violate my own judgment is when I'm in a restaurant or something and I haven't brought my real glasses and I can't, and I'm reading the menu and I have to throw on my prescription sunglasses hot for a hot second to see what the fuck.
• 5:16
  Eric: I'm reading.
• 5:18
  Matt: That's, and I always feel like a fucking dipshit when I do it, when I throw on them Warby Parkers.
• 5:21
  Matt: Goddamn I would, I would pay any amount of just be there with do it when I throw on them Warby Parkers.
• 5:24
  Eric: God damn, I would pay any amount.
• 5:27
  Eric: I would just be there with you like, oh, hold on one sec.
• 5:30
  Matt: Yeah, that's what I do too, because I got to make a bid out of it.
• 5:33
  Eric: Because otherwise.
• 5:33
  Matt: I look like a douchebag.
• 5:35
  Matt: Got to make a bid out of it, because anyone who's just sitting there in sunglasses I'm like you're not fucking Jack Nicholson.
• 5:45
  Eric: Jack Nicholson, get the fuck out of here now.
• 5:46
  Eric: What are you doing?
• 5:46
  Eric: What are you doing?
• 5:46
  Eric: Yeah, um, now, obviously, this exceptions being like there are some people who legit have like the privy, isn't it called the privy?
• 5:52
  Eric: The privy the privy is is, is what it's referred to.
• 5:56
  Eric: Oh, sorry, I just realized we lurched back.
• 6:00
  Eric: It just hit me.
• 6:02
  Matt: Yeah, uh, privy no, you're right, it's the head.
• 6:04
  Matt: It's the head privy is, is.
• 6:07
  Eric: Is also a term for the bathroom, but in a, in a nautical context, the head it's.
• 6:11
  Matt: The head is the ship's toilet says wc wikipedia donate today wait, wait wait, wc, that's water closet water closet.
• 6:20
  Eric: I don't know if they use that on boats, but i'm'm just naming names of bathrooms.
• 6:24
  Matt: Don't at me.
• 6:25
  Eric: All right, but yeah all that to say weird times in the hard yacht pisser.
• 6:31
  Matt: Well, eric this cold open has been something.
• 6:38
  Eric: Pissing me timbers.
• 6:39
  Eric: Was it worth it for that?
• 6:41
  Matt: It might be the name of the episode.
• 6:45
  Eric: Yeah, it's probably the name of the episode now.
• 6:59
  Matt: Well, hello everybody and welcome to you.
• 7:02
  Matt: Didn't Ask For this the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions.
• 7:06
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea, my name is Eric Poach and Eric, take it away.
• 7:14
  Eric: Matt, here's what I'm thinking.
• 7:16
  Eric: We need to spend the rest of this episode trying to find the answer to one question.
• 7:21
  Eric: What is the question, Eric?
• 7:22
  Eric: Can we top Pissing?
• 7:24
  Matt: Me Timbers.
• 7:26
  Eric: I don't want to force it.
• 7:27
  Eric: I don't want to force it but that should be the energy that propels us through this episode searching for that quality.
• 7:34
  Matt: I fucking agree with you, and that's a rare thing.
• 7:37
  Eric: Yeah, I'm blessed.
• 7:40
  Matt: Okay, Eric, should we?
• 7:41
  Matt: Should we jump into it?
• 7:43
  Matt: Because we what we have for you today, folks, is a couple of questions, and then we're going to bring back local legends.
• 7:50
  Eric: It's been a minute, let's get local.
• 7:53
  Matt: Let's get local.
• 7:53
  Matt: I have a very local legend.
• 7:56
  Eric: I have a very not local.
• 7:58
  Matt: Well, it's not local to me, but I feel I have a local legend in what is really the heart of the bit, really the heart of the segment.
• 8:06
  Matt: Like it's local to a very small population, it's legendary.
• 8:09
  Matt: It was submitted by a listener and Eric, I assume, is going to have some fucking Japanese cryptid.
• 8:16
  Eric: Never know.
• 8:16
  Eric: You never know, you're not too far off geologically, nice Geographically.
• 8:23
  Matt: God, I know my co-host.
• 8:24
  Matt: Okay, so Eric know my cost Okay.
• 8:26
  Matt: So, eric, let's jump right in.
• 8:28
  Eric: So our first question comes from our dear dear friend DairyKing11.
• 8:33
  Eric: And this one, in fact both of our questions today came from our Discord.
• 8:38
  Eric: Oh, that's true, but they came from people who consistently submit questions to us, so this time they just chose to do it through Discord.
• 8:44
  Matt: It's true.
• 8:45
  Matt: You know, we keep opening up new avenues to submit questions and, honestly, as I have to make the rounds through our various inboxes trying to gather all these questions as more and more people submit which I love I'm sort of like why didn't we just have one place?
• 9:05
  Matt: Why didn't we just do the one thing?
• 9:09
  Eric: but anyway, take it away all right, the question from dairy king 11 I'll hail the king baby.
• 9:13
  Eric: So poach myself invents a time machine, shows up randomly at matt's door and says, quote get in time for an adventure.
• 9:24
  Eric: That is verbatim, the verbatim quote, and this is a three-part question.
• 9:31
  Eric: So I show up randomly at Matt's door.
• 9:31
  Eric: I have a time machine to say get in time for an adventure.
• 9:35
  Matt: Eric, can you give me that again in the best Doc Brown you got?
• 9:40
  Eric: Oh yeah, hold on, let me just find my self real quick.
• 9:44
  Eric: Do what you gotta do Um.
• 9:44
  Matt: Oh yeah, hold on, let me just find my.
• 9:45
  Matt: Yeah, get into character, do what you gotta do.
• 9:47
  Matt: Getting time for an adventure Not bad.
• 9:54
  Eric: Yeah.
• 9:55
  Matt: Not bad.
• 9:56
  Eric: Yeah, that quote.
• 9:57
  Eric: You know this quote wasn't to scale and I haven't had time to paint it, but I think it gets the job done.
• 10:02
  Matt: For off the dome.
• 10:02
  Matt: You did good, kid, thank you to paint it, but no, no, I think it's for for off the dome.
• 10:04
  Matt: You did good kid, thank you.
• 10:05
  Matt: Thank you for for the man with the back to the future poster, literally in frame.
• 10:10
  Matt: Yep of this, this zoom call.
• 10:12
  Eric: I could not ask for a better seal of approval, correct?
• 10:15
  Eric: Um?
• 10:16
  Eric: So this is a three-parter.
• 10:17
  Eric: Got my time machine.
• 10:18
  Eric: Yes, we're going on an adventure.
• 10:19
  Eric: Question one what object did eric use as his base for the time machine?
• 10:23
  Eric: Two what year are you traveling to?
• 10:25
  Eric: Three what did eat?
• 10:27
  Eric: What did each of you do, intentionally or unintentionally, to alter our current timeline?
• 10:34
  Eric: Yes, uh.
• 10:35
  Eric: So what object did eric use as his base for the time machine?
• 10:39
  Eric: So obviously I I feel like car is.
• 10:43
  Eric: Is is too, on the nose it is.
• 10:47
  Matt: I don't think it's fair to use car because of the Back to the Future factor and for that reason, Eric, real quick, what was the original time machine in Back to the Future?
• 10:58
  Eric: Oh, it wasn't a pinball machine.
• 11:00
  Eric: It was like either a microwave, it was some just household appliance.
• 11:04
  Eric: It was either a microwave or was some just household appliance.
• 11:06
  Eric: It was either a microwave or like a boom box or something eric, can you fit in either of those things?
• 11:10
  Eric: No, but like oh, what was it?
• 11:13
  Eric: Um fuck, I I know this you're on the right track bud yeah, not a bathtub, not a washing machine, uh, it was a refrigerator.
• 11:24
  Matt: I'll end the pain.
• 11:26
  Matt: The original concept was a refrigerator.
• 11:28
  Eric: Yes, uh, yeah, I want.
• 11:30
  Eric: I want something that screams time machine, but like in a classy way.
• 11:39
  Eric: In a classy way in a classy way.
• 11:41
  Eric: So we don't want to use a car, can't use a car, can't use a phone booth.
• 11:45
  Matt: That's bill and ted's bit now it can't use a phone.
• 11:47
  Matt: Also dr who, and and and also in a way, yes, also dr who, and then you can't like the, the forbidden, as we once named an up, so the forbidden peloton hg wells's time machine was just like a fucking exercise bike basically I, I, yes, yes, it was uh it.
• 12:08
  Matt: I've got it.
• 12:09
  Matt: I love that.
• 12:10
  Matt: You just laughed at a bit that we previously named an episode after, but you have absolutely no memory of any of those things.
• 12:18
  Eric: I get to.
• 12:18
  Eric: It's like I get to hear it all again for the first time.
• 12:21
  Matt: It's something like that and I say again, I am concerned about it.
• 12:25
  Matt: You and I think you should see a doc.
• 12:28
  Matt: By the way I have this is real time.
• 12:32
  Matt: Yeah, I am in a fight with a neurologist oh, stop, hold on, stop the fucking presses.
• 12:40
  Eric: Okay, we interrupt this question to bring you live on the scene, matt fighting medical professionals, please.
• 12:49
  Matt: And I can't tell you about.
• 12:50
  Matt: I cannot tell you about this in a Oops All Tangents, because our previous Oops All Tangents is a medical story.
• 12:57
  Eric: It's about you battling medical personnel.
• 13:00
  Eric: A different medical professional, yeah.
• 13:02
  Matt: So okay, so I got I'm going to truncate this real quick, cause it.
• 13:07
  Matt: You know we have a lot to cover, but you tell me if you think this is responsible in the Hippocratic oath.
• 13:13
  Matt: So a while ago I had a facial twitch that was going on.
• 13:18
  Matt: I went to a neurologist.
• 13:19
  Matt: They did an EEG, they did all these different tests on me.
• 13:22
  Matt: It turns out I'm fine and they're like you, have depression and anxiety.
• 13:25
  Matt: They prescribed me Lexapro Okay, and told me to seek out a therapist, which I've been working on but I haven't actually accomplished.
• 13:32
  Matt: It was two years ago that I was there for all this good shit.
• 13:35
  Matt: He says I'm clinically depressed and I said, yes, I agree, nailed it, doc.
• 13:43
  Matt: Nailed it, doc, got one.
• 13:44
  Matt: So it gives me Lexapro.
• 13:46
  Matt: So a year goes by, I need refills.
• 13:49
  Matt: They don't call me in for a follow-up.
• 13:52
  Matt: They refill my prescription.
• 13:54
  Matt: I expect them to, but they don't.
• 13:56
  Matt: So this year I'm also out of refills.
• 13:59
  Matt: I say, hey, I need my prescription refilled and they say, oh, you need to come in for a follow-up.
• 14:08
  Matt: And I said, ah, I'm sure I of course makes sense.
• 14:13
  Matt: Happy to schedule that, but I'm about to run out of my antidepressant so I'm going to need just a short refill, you know to get to the appointment.
• 14:20
  Eric: You're not really supposed to just stop.
• 14:23
  Matt: No, you can't just stop yeah.
• 14:25
  Eric: You got to ramp down just stop.
• 14:29
  Matt: No, you can't just stop.
• 14:30
  Matt: Turkey yeah, you gotta ramp down, otherwise you fucked your brain up.
• 14:31
  Matt: And anyway, long story short, the fucking neurologist and his fucking rude as shit staff refuse to fill my fucking prescription.
• 14:41
  Matt: And I'm like cool, if I can get in there next week, I only need seven days, or whatever.
• 14:47
  Matt: But they're like no, we can't see you to the end of december.
• 14:47
  Matt: And I'm like cool, if I can get in there next week, I only need seven days, or whatever.
• 14:48
  Matt: But they're like no, we can't see it to the end of december.
• 14:50
  Matt: And I'm like, okay, then I need 30 days.
• 14:53
  Matt: Like I'm not asking for a full year, whatever, just get me to the thing.
• 14:58
  Eric: And so they're not even a controlled substance no, and they're saying like okay.
• 15:01
  Matt: So, uh, this is actually straight from the.
• 15:04
  Matt: This is a real conversation.
• 15:05
  Matt: This is straight from the doctor.
• 15:07
  Matt: He won't refill your prescription until he's able to examine you, and I said so.
• 15:13
  Matt: Let me get this straight.
• 15:13
  Matt: The physician who, again, this is literally a conversation on the phone and clinical anxiety, and prescribed for those things an antidepressant which creates a dependency, is refusing to fill my prescription and is going to quote unquote force me to stop cold turkey, someone who presumably knows the health risks involved with that.
• 15:46
  Matt: She was like well, this is from the doctor.
• 15:48
  Matt: And I said and the doctor thinks that's a good idea.
• 15:51
  Matt: And she was like I can only tell you what the thing.
• 15:55
  Matt: And she was like you might want to call somebody else.
• 15:57
  Matt: And I was like oh, you better believe I'll be calling somebody else.
• 16:01
  Matt: And Eric, let me tell you something.
• 16:03
  Matt: This goes into oops, all tangents territory.
• 16:09
  Eric: This violates the sanctity of Upsal Tangents, the sacred bond of our subscription service.
• 16:13
  Matt: Of our paid subscribers.
• 16:14
  Matt: I gave a call to Kaveh and I explained this to Kaveh.
• 16:18
  Matt: I explained this to Kaveh and what did Kaveh say?
• 16:21
  Matt: He was never prescribed me this.
• 16:24
  Matt: He said well, you can't just quit cold turkey, you're going to withdraw.
• 16:27
  Matt: And I was like, yeah, so I just need you know he wants to see me.
• 16:31
  Matt: He's like I'll give you 90 days.
• 16:33
  Matt: Boom, my man Kaveh, I'll never that's.
• 16:38
  Eric: God.
• 16:39
  Eric: For those of you who missed out on the tangents we stand, we stand, kaveh, we stan Kaveh.
• 16:44
  Eric: Anyway, eric Kaveh is an ally.
• 16:45
  Matt: So I'm in a beef with a neurologist.
• 16:47
  Matt: I'm going to review, bomb the shit out of him.
• 16:50
  Matt: Nice, as soon as I get a regular.
• 16:52
  Matt: I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow Not a therapist, but a psychiatrist.
• 16:58
  Eric: I'll write like a page and a half screed on how they're fucking with my podcast.
• 17:03
  Eric: Co-host.
• 17:08
  Matt: So, like I can't have that, absolutely it's affecting the business, eric, yeah, so anyway, I apologize to everyone, but I had to get that off my chest.
• 17:15
  Matt: Bro, you got a vent.
• 17:17
  Matt: Anyway, eric, please get us back on track for the love of god.
• 17:20
  Eric: Uh, the device I would turn into a time machine would be an snes that has been modified is like.
• 17:27
  Eric: I like the idea of a, I like the conceit of this time machine being, and this follows absolute, like 80s movies logic.
• 17:35
  Matt: If I put in like a medieval video game in the in the snes, it takes us back to like the medieval times oh, so the cartridge itself determines yes, okay, so is it an actual game or do you just have separate cartridges for like every year?
• 17:52
  Eric: like each year.
• 17:52
  Eric: So what I'm thinking is I have a briefcase and, like you'll you, you would see that when, like I open my briefcase, there's labels on all these cartridges for me like trial and error, seeing where it takes me.
• 18:04
  Eric: I'm like, all right, I can reliably go to 1597 if I pop in like super ghost and goblins or like if I go, or you know, fucking, obviously the video game 1942 will take me to 1942.
• 18:19
  Eric: But yeah, I uh, there might even be a few in there, just labeled do not use.
• 18:22
  Eric: And you might ask, why are they still in the briefcase?
• 18:25
  Matt: again, 80s movies, logic correct you gotta have them on hand, you gotta have one, you know not to use them, but there's the risk of using them yeah they're.
• 18:34
  Eric: They're handy mcguffin when I need one.
• 18:37
  Eric: Exactly um what year are we traveling to matt I?
• 18:42
  Eric: I shoved your house, I'm like.
• 18:44
  Eric: I'm like, start plugging shit into your TV.
• 18:47
  Eric: I got my SNES set up, yeah.
• 18:49
  Matt: And I'm like my TV doesn't even have those cables anymore.
• 18:53
  Eric: Yeah, I'm sitting there soldering shit into the back of your flat screen.
• 18:59
  Matt: Eric, what are you doing?
• 19:00
  Matt: I'm doing the best I can.
• 19:02
  Matt: Can't we use an emulator?
• 19:03
  Matt: We got to play Tur turtles in time.
• 19:09
  Matt: That bad.
• 19:10
  Eric: Oh my God, Turtles in time is what would create like the space time paradox.
• 19:16
  Matt: Man, I fucking love turtles in time Slaps what a great goddamn Ninja Turtle video game.
• 19:23
  Eric: So yeah, what year are we going to?
• 19:24
  Matt: I feel like.
• 19:25
  Matt: I feel like this is firmly in your court, eric.
• 19:29
  Matt: This is because you're the one dictating the adventure.
• 19:32
  Matt: Yeah, so what year are we going to?
• 19:33
  Matt: I'm assuming this is the beginning of the adventure.
• 19:36
  Eric: There's no rule saying we can't go to multiple years down the road oh, um, I feel like I mean I mentioned the top I feel like you and I do need to go to ye olde medieval times.
• 19:48
  Eric: I'm thinking like, like, fucking 1300s.
• 19:52
  Matt: Fucking like, oh, like I want to see some knights and castles and try to freak out the locals with some, with some witchcraft I think, if we're going for us eric, I think it'd be dope as shit to actually attend a performance at the real globe.
• 20:11
  Eric: Yes, oh my god, yes, so that would.
• 20:14
  Matt: That'd be in, like the late 1500s like um, yeah, I mean just go to opening night of hamlet, you know, dog, because honestly, eric, it probably sucked, you know?
• 20:28
  Eric: oh, dude, oh yeah they're doing it for the first time like we've.
• 20:31
  Eric: We've had the benefit of literally centuries of scholarship.
• 20:34
  Eric: I was like I do, I think about that so much, bro, I'm like you don't have to whisper it.
• 20:40
  Eric: It kind of feels like, yeah, like I feel like if you or I went back in time, we could fucking act.
• 20:48
  Eric: We'd be doing like we have like Meisner and shit in our quiver, like we'd be doing acting techniques that they can't even fathom.
• 20:56
  Eric: No, oh, hell, yeah.
• 20:57
  Eric: And this I think this will transition very well into how we like, intentionally or unintentionally, fuck with the timeline.
• 21:07
  Eric: I mean, what better time to suggest some edits to billy shakes, you know?
• 21:13
  Matt: what, bro?
• 21:14
  Matt: What?
• 21:14
  Matt: Or eric?
• 21:14
  Matt: If we wanted to be devious?
• 21:16
  Matt: Oh, if we wanted to be devious, eric.
• 21:19
  Matt: Oh, we go back in time with a complete works of shakespeare.
• 21:22
  Matt: Okay, we kill shakespeare.
• 21:25
  Matt: I love where your head's at.
• 21:29
  Matt: Already, this is the devious plan.
• 21:31
  Matt: And the two of us become shakespeare.
• 21:33
  Matt: Yeah, I mean matt.
• 21:35
  Matt: And then, right at the end, after we, after we published all the works of shakespeare word for word, we just throw in brighton beach memoirs at the end and dude.
• 21:49
  Eric: So here's why this works so well is, for those of you who aren't shakespeare dweebs, we have exactly five extant examples of shakespeare's own handwriting.
• 22:04
  Eric: They are his own name as signed on like fucking land deeds, contracts and shit.
• 22:12
  Eric: We don't have any piece of paper.
• 22:14
  Eric: That's like what light through yonder window breaks through william shakespeare.
• 22:17
  Eric: Oh yeah, shakespeare, we don't have anything.
• 22:18
  Eric: So what I'm saying, matt, is not only do I think it's feasible that we could go back in time with complete works murder.
• 22:26
  Eric: William shakespeare, assume his mantle going off of the scholarship.
• 22:31
  Eric: That might be what happened.
• 22:34
  Matt: We haven't done it yet there's all kinds of theories about shakespeare, of course, and we don't need to get into that's an oops altang that's an oops altang, I will.
• 22:41
  Eric: I will rant about that shit for.
• 22:44
  Matt: But I'm saying there's nothing to stop us from from murdering william shakespeare and becoming the first real, true theatrical duo.
• 22:54
  Matt: Oh my god, we'll throw in that.
• 22:58
  Matt: We'll throw in brighton beach memoirs and then do a who's on first oh, my'll introduce who's on and they'll say what is baseball.
• 23:06
  Eric: And that privy piece just runneth with thy bit Goeth with me, brothers.
• 23:15
  Matt: Goeth with.
• 23:17
  Eric: Verily and you were going for a title there.
• 23:23
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't even fucking tell me you weren't Nope.
• 23:26
  Eric: See, that's what I mean it's forced's forced yeah, but not for.
• 23:30
  Eric: But that's what I'm saying.
• 23:31
  Eric: I went in because you gotta come with the energy, like man.
• 23:33
  Eric: How do I top pissing me?
• 23:35
  Matt: timbers, verily and god damn, that's awful.
• 23:42
  Eric: What other shit can we fuck with while we're in the neighborhood?
• 23:45
  Eric: Well, so that's that's one thing we could fuck with.
• 23:47
  Eric: What other time period I feel for those?
• 23:50
  Eric: Everyone, let's just like disabuse ourselves of of me and matt being responsible time travelers.
• 23:56
  Eric: We are goblins.
• 23:57
  Eric: We are time goblins.
• 23:58
  Matt: Well, I said time goblins.
• 24:01
  Matt: Uh, possible title.
• 24:03
  Matt: Uh, possible title.
• 24:05
  Matt: Normally I just write the candidates down when we, when something tickles me as I'm, as I'm doing the edits.
• 24:13
  Eric: This time I like that we're marking them doing it live and obviously let's let any of this conversations, any time travel conversations we have, which we do have many I there's like classic shit, like I like, yeah, we could talk about, like there's the obvious, sure we can go back, kill hitler, whatever kill hitler like kill it.
• 24:34
  Eric: Let's stop the jfk assassination.
• 24:38
  Matt: Like something catch catch uh, uh, the the fucking.
• 24:42
  Matt: What's his name?
• 24:43
  Matt: Jack the ripperipper.
• 24:44
  Eric: Yeah, but like dumb shit though.
• 24:47
  Eric: Let's talk about that.
• 24:48
  Matt: Let's talk about dumb shit, because the last question is what did each of you do, intentionally or unintentionally, to alter our current timeline?
• 24:55
  Matt: We could do any number of things, yeah, but I do think we should work together.
• 25:00
  Matt: I don't think we should go to a place and then split up.
• 25:03
  Eric: No, oh, you never.
• 25:04
  Eric: Split that we're going to need and then split up no, oh, you never split that that we're gonna need an ally in this.
• 25:11
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we've only got each other and I'm not sure how the rules work for, how we get back.
• 25:14
  Eric: Oh, oh, man, that's, that's, that's like the driving force in each of these movies.
• 25:20
  Eric: It's a trilogy, um, where, where we, every time we go back and then we have to figure out how to, using their technology, build a functioning television set to plug the SNES into.
• 25:36
  Matt: Yes, or at the very least get electricity.
• 25:39
  Matt: That's all we really need.
• 25:42
  Eric: Oh, absolutely.
• 25:44
  Matt: But then we have to do it blind.
• 25:46
  Matt: Oh, absolutely so the.
• 25:47
  Matt: But then we have to do it blind, Like we have to do it monitorless playing the SNES which is always a challenge.
• 25:54
  Matt: Yeah, we could end up anywhere in the timeline.
• 25:56
  Matt: We could end up anywhere in the timeline, so that will be a challenge.
• 25:59
  Matt: So if the first film is us going back and killing Shakespeare and becoming Shakespeare, do we then go on some sort of having already cemented ourselves as the greatest playwright of all time?
• 26:15
  Matt: Yes, do we?
• 26:16
  Matt: Then we have to go.
• 26:18
  Matt: Are we just committing to being time goblins, as you said?
• 26:23
  Eric: I think so.
• 26:24
  Eric: I think if we're traveling through time with an SNES, we can't have anything good planned for anyone we have to intentionally mess things up.
• 26:31
  Matt: Yeah, so there's options.
• 26:34
  Matt: I would say from a film producer standpoint, one should go more modern, modern ish with the second one.
• 26:42
  Matt: But there's also the argument to be had that we go even further back like we go even further back and fucking go to I don't know, like the stone ages or something.
• 26:56
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, the caveman, times caveman times is a classic.
• 26:59
  Eric: We could fuck with some cave paintings.
• 27:01
  Eric: We could become god.
• 27:04
  Matt: We could become we could come back and establish ourselves as the creator.
• 27:13
  Eric: I find a caveman.
• 27:14
  Eric: I hand him like a fucking AR-15.
• 27:17
  Eric: Here you go.
• 27:18
  Matt: Oh, that's what you hand him.
• 27:20
  Matt: You could have handed him anything.
• 27:22
  Eric: You could have handed him a nice quiche He'll be the most powerful man on the planet for like 15 rounds and then yeah, what if he fucking kills us, eric, you dumbass.
• 27:33
  Eric: He would never.
• 27:35
  Matt: Oh he would never.
• 27:37
  Matt: No, because we can't do that in the caveman times, because they can't properly worship us.
• 27:44
  Eric: No, I would, I would absolutely be on board with you.
• 27:48
  Eric: Oh, when you say okay, when you say become god, I was like, oh, are we just gonna like, are we gonna become?
• 27:53
  Eric: No, I see what you mean.
• 27:54
  Eric: Now, become worshipped as gods become worship, as pull an eldorado on them, so to speak.
• 27:59
  Eric: Absolutely, I, I love that.
• 28:02
  Eric: Uh, which, uh, so which culture would we be doing this to?
• 28:08
  Eric: Um, only answers that could get us canceled.
• 28:11
  Eric: Go All Okay, all no, that's good General yeah.
• 28:15
  Matt: We just stopped by all.
• 28:17
  Eric: Yeah, we stopped by.
• 28:18
  Eric: All I I would this is me personally.
• 28:22
  Eric: I would like to go back to like fucking medieval Japan and do some goblin shit, just so I can see, like the later, like the, the, the beautiful, like scroll paintings of like you and me.
• 28:34
  Eric: But we're like, oh, yes, like we're portrayed as yes.
• 28:38
  Matt: Yes, we could.
• 28:41
  Matt: With our time machine, we could establish a thing where we're like okay, we will be back on this day of every year, eric, if we were able to deliver on that and for us we could be doing it for 20 minutes, yeah, but if we're hidden, every year we're showing up.
• 29:02
  Matt: Think of the worldwide worship that would happen, of the two of us showing up every random date, and, and at, at or at 1 pm, we arrive, and there's every year more and more people, millions of people by the end of it.
• 29:21
  Eric: You know I really like where your head's at, because you know what I think nobody does in like all these time travel flicks.
• 29:27
  Eric: It's always like god no one's always something noble yeah, no one ever just fucking sends it, like no one ever goes backed into the past and just from minute one just starts screaming I am from the future.
• 29:41
  Eric: Here's a flashlight.
• 29:42
  Eric: This is a glock.
• 29:43
  Eric: I am from the future, the exception being army of darkness.
• 29:47
  Eric: Only old, only only old biff in bad news too, like like I, he's it.
• 29:56
  Eric: Yeah, we just go in.
• 29:58
  Eric: We're like masks off.
• 29:59
  Eric: Yeah, no, we're from the future.
• 30:00
  Eric: Uh hi, what's up?
• 30:02
  Eric: We're gonna keep coming back and we're gonna keep bringing you good news.
• 30:05
  Eric: We're gonna going to or or or.
• 30:07
  Eric: Heed our warnings.
• 30:08
  Eric: He God, heed the shit.
• 30:10
  Eric: This is a microwave.
• 30:12
  Eric: You cannot tell me that I am not from the future.
• 30:15
  Eric: You cannot explain.
• 30:16
  Matt: Yeah, we bring something.
• 30:17
  Matt: Every year we bring a microwave.
• 30:20
  Matt: We bring a Furby we bring a Furby.
• 30:24
  Eric: This is a Tamagotchi.
• 30:25
  Matt: Worship me, this is bring a furby.
• 30:30
  Matt: This is a tamagotchi.
• 30:31
  Matt: Worship me, this is a thing called pogs.
• 30:32
  Matt: Okay, they're gonna be really popular for like 12 to 18 months, oh, but you're gonna talk about them for a lifetime one thing we super have to do, tell me, is we have to be in the background of so many famous paintings.
• 30:43
  Eric: Oh yes, and photos like Like Washington crossing the Delaware.
• 30:47
  Eric: You just look and there's like a second boat way off the distance.
• 30:50
  Matt: We got a little motor and we're just two middle fingers to the fucking horizon.
• 30:53
  Matt: We got a little motor.
• 30:54
  Matt: You're doing two middle fingers, I'm fishing.
• 30:57
  Eric: Yep, oh dude.
• 30:58
  Matt: And we're like, yeah, we were here also as well.
• 31:01
  Matt: Last supper.
• 31:07
  Matt: I'm under the table doing like the the hand thing with a little finger circle.
• 31:09
  Matt: The last supper.
• 31:09
  Matt: It still exists, as it always did, only this time.
• 31:10
  Matt: Each side of the table two waiters with little vests two waiters, the silver trays.
• 31:16
  Matt: So fucking dumb.
• 31:22
  Matt: It's so dumb.
• 31:24
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, I think this has legs.
• 31:28
  Eric: Yeah, I think time, I think I think time goblins is a healthy is in a healthy pitchable place I think.
• 31:34
  Matt: So we show up at golgotha and say get down from there like we're, we're here to which one was golgotha which which what was?
• 31:45
  Matt: That the hill jesus was crucified.
• 31:46
  Matt: Oh, I thought that was that it's the hill Jesus was crucified on.
• 31:47
  Eric: Oh, I thought that was.
• 31:49
  Matt: Calvary it's the same.
• 31:50
  Matt: It means the same thing.
• 31:52
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 31:53
  Matt: A little bit of biblical history just fucking wedged into the middle of this.
• 31:59
  Eric: Yep, yep, I mean, we're time, goblins, we're time goblins.
• 32:04
  Matt: So I think we've established we're not going to be at all responsible with our time traveling SNES.
• 32:10
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no, but that's what we're doing and you know what?
• 32:14
  Matt: Guess what?
• 32:15
  Matt: Dairy King 11,.
• 32:16
  Matt: All hail the king.
• 32:17
  Matt: Thank you for the question.
• 32:18
  Eric: Thank you for the question, my man.
• 32:20
  Matt: Next one.
• 32:21
  Matt: This comes from Sir Juniper, as Eric said, also submitted through the Discord.
• 32:26
  Matt: But of course, juniper fucking.
• 32:28
  Eric: Juniper always sends us bangers all over the place.
• 32:31
  Matt: What's the sexiest plant?
• 32:33
  Eric: So we've gone from time travel and the ethics around that, to what is the sexiest plant.
• 32:40
  Matt: Now, eric, I've done research.
• 32:41
  Matt: You obviously haven't, so you start Hit me.
• 32:46
  Eric: All right, haven't, so you start hit me.
• 32:52
  Eric: All right.
• 32:53
  Eric: So I was gonna snarkily answer this, but my my answer unfortunately, the organism.
• 32:55
  Eric: So when I heard sexiest, I was like huh, which plant has the most sexes?
• 32:59
  Eric: And it is.
• 33:00
  Eric: It is not a plant, but a fungus called schizophyllum commune, split gill mushroom, which can have over 28 000 different mating types due to its complex genetic system.
• 33:12
  Eric: So that is the.
• 33:14
  Eric: So that is the sexiest organism, but we're talking about sexiest plant plant.
• 33:18
  Matt: I have two candidates okay what do you got for?
• 33:21
  Matt: Me.
• 33:21
  Matt: The first is called I'm gonna butcher this, but it's paliacoria alata, sometimes referred to as red lips or and I I hasten to say this hooker lips oh, so it's got the.
• 33:38
  Matt: Okay, the, oh, the, the aka hooker lips aka hooker lips, but it's paliacoria alata alata, and it does, of course, have I can already see this plant in my mind's eye.
• 33:51
  Eric: Yes, Well, I know you're going to throw it up on that screen and and and affirm everything I believe.
• 33:57
  Matt: Yeah, so this is like the man, that plant's got dick sucking lips.
• 34:01
  Matt: It has.
• 34:01
  Matt: It truly does have red hot dick sucking lips.
• 34:05
  Eric: Holy shit, that is a DSL of a plant.
• 34:08
  Matt: It is a DSL of the plant, the other one, I want to make out with that plant right now.
• 34:12
  Eric: The other you could?
• 34:14
  Matt: it really does look like lips.
• 34:17
  Eric: It's like it looks like cartoonish and this one Like someone blew a kiss at you and the kiss is flying through the air and I got to say that's what this plant, this this video that I'm showing, or this this photo that I'm showing.
• 34:36
  Matt: If you were to turn it vertically, eric, it looks a little like an another part of the female anatomy.
• 34:41
  Matt: Oh yeah, so I think this looks pretty sexy.
• 34:46
  Matt: Yeah, it does.
• 34:46
  Eric: Now.
• 34:47
  Matt: I also want to mention the Amorphophallus titanum, which is the I've already got a feeling where this one's going.
• 34:55
  Matt: Well, this is the actual name of the corpse plant.
• 35:00
  Eric: Oh, this is the one that smells like a dead body.
• 35:02
  Matt: It smells like a dead body and it only blooms, like once in a blue moon.
• 35:06
  Matt: Yeah, but it's got this big old someone's getting blue.
• 35:10
  Matt: This moon's got.
• 35:10
  Matt: It's got this big old shaft, as you can see here.
• 35:14
  Eric: Oh yeah, look at that and so again the name.
• 35:17
  Matt: They should get together a more faux phallus, so you have a more right in there, but also phallus yeah, so love dick, if I'm translating the latin correctly, love love dick this plant okay uh, and yeah, I mean, it's a huge, huge flower with a giant shaft in the middle of it.
• 35:42
  Eric: Yeah, just a fucking bam.
• 35:44
  Matt: So those are some candidates that came up right away from me.
• 35:48
  Matt: One looks like sexual, sexualized lips, like the the lips of jessica rabbit yes, jessica, rabbit coded and the other is I love dick the plant I, I'll throw this out there.
• 36:07
  Eric: I saw, I went to a festival not too long ago, patterson Park.
• 36:11
  Eric: I saw a tree that looked pretty fuckable.
• 36:13
  Eric: Okay, what a stink it was, just because, well, it was cut down.
• 36:18
  Eric: It was like a tree.
• 36:20
  Eric: But, matt, the way this thing was shaped, tell me, let me see if I can find it.
• 36:26
  Eric: I took pictures.
• 36:28
  Eric: Um, the way this thing was shaped, it it looked.
• 36:31
  Eric: It looked it had va, va, va, voom, kurt like.
• 36:34
  Eric: It looked, like it had an hour, it was, it was an hourglass stump, it was.
• 36:38
  Eric: I was like, ah, okay, that's why I took pictures.
• 36:41
  Eric: I was like this is like hilariously erotic, this plant.
• 36:45
  Matt: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah I'm so glad I took this picture.
• 36:49
  Matt: All right, I am looking at this tree.
• 36:51
  Matt: It does have a certain silhouette to it.
• 36:55
  Eric: Yeah, it looks like a.
• 36:56
  Eric: It looks like one of those greek statues missing the arms and the head it does it.
• 37:01
  Matt: It is an interesting statue.
• 37:03
  Matt: I don't know that I get fuckable out of it.
• 37:05
  Matt: That tree has got some hips.
• 37:07
  Matt: It does have some hips.
• 37:11
  Eric: Now, mind you, when I say fuckable, I don't mean like can I physically know this tree in the biblical sense?
• 37:20
  Eric: But, like it hits my rods and cones.
• 37:26
  Eric: I go like oh wood.
• 37:29
  Matt: Wood, if you were wood.
• 37:31
  Eric: Yeah, strawpole folks, we'll throw up a picture of this, of this tree stump um yeah sure you can let us know in the comments if you would yeah, we'll throw that up on the instagram at.
• 37:44
  Matt: You didn't ask pod letter, you didn't ask, but we'll also throw up the pictures of these other plants and you can tell us if you agree or disagree.
• 37:51
  Matt: Now, eric, there's also like we could say like we could say, like we could talk about the rose or the tulip.
• 37:58
  Eric: The rose, I would say, and the tulip.
• 38:00
  Eric: Romantic to be sure, but sexiest but sexy.
• 38:06
  Matt: Sexy by itself.
• 38:07
  Matt: We have imbued sexuality upon the rose.
• 38:12
  Matt: The rose didn't ask this.
• 38:14
  Matt: No the rose didn't ask for this.
• 38:16
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 38:17
  Eric: The rose didn't ask this.
• 38:17
  Eric: The rose didn't ask for this.
• 38:19
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 38:19
  Eric: We projected our values onto the rose.
• 38:23
  Matt: Yes.
• 38:23
  Matt: So really the question I have for you is is everything coming up roses or is everything coming up amorphophallus titanium?
• 38:32
  Eric: I know what I wish it was coming up.
• 38:34
  Eric: The second one oh, we love dick plant we.
• 38:38
  Eric: The second one oh, we Love Dick plant, we Love Dick the plant.
• 38:42
  Matt: Yeah, yes, Do you have any other plants you want to mention?
• 38:46
  Matt: I think there's something to before.
• 38:50
  Matt: Since you took the big sigh of contemplation, I jumped in.
• 38:55
  Eric: But if you had something.
• 38:56
  Matt: I won't interrupt you, no, no, no, no, go on.
• 38:58
  Matt: There's something to be said about the orchid.
• 39:01
  Matt: Orchid is pretty sexy Because it's dainty too, and they're very fickle.
• 39:08
  Matt: I don't know if you've ever tried to.
• 39:10
  Eric: God, I love a fickle bitch.
• 39:12
  Matt: I mean, have you ever tried to care for an orchid?
• 39:16
  Eric: I actually have.
• 39:17
  Matt: They are difficult, difficult they are, they are.
• 39:19
  Eric: You gotta earn it, you gotta earn it, you gotta, you gotta invest time, energy, right now.
• 39:24
  Matt: I have a peace lily.
• 39:25
  Matt: Uh, that my parents love, a peace my parents gave us a peace lily as the, as a housewarming gift when we first moved in, and let me tell you it is a fucking picky son of a bitch.
• 39:39
  Matt: They gave you a chore.
• 39:40
  Matt: I mean kind of yes, we have kept it alive.
• 39:44
  Matt: We finally found a good place for it where it likes the light.
• 39:48
  Matt: It's so dramatic it gets all droopy.
• 39:50
  Matt: Don't get a peace lily is what I'm saying.
• 39:54
  Eric: Yeah, oh, I did think of one.
• 39:57
  Eric: Okay, this plant enables sexiness.
• 39:59
  Eric: I feel the humble aloe plant because, because, hear me out, if you're using it now, you're snapping it off and you're, you're, you're, you're, you're squeezing that moist, gooey goodness and, like usually rubbing it on yourself, to like for on a burn or a sunburn or something.
• 40:19
  Eric: It's a very tactile plant you gotta get in there just oh snap, oh smeared slather and, and I think, I think that in and of itself can be pretty sexy yeah not always the sexiest uh circumstances, though if you're using it, I don't for first aid almost exclusively, I'd say yes yeah, yeah, uh, also worth dropping a name.
• 40:43
  Eric: We have an aloe plant in our house.
• 40:45
  Eric: Uh, alissa named it aloe pacino.
• 40:47
  Eric: Nice, we need to get an aloe plant they're very, they're very nice, he's thriving well.
• 40:52
  Matt: I always, uh, growing up, we always had an aloe plant for this exact reason, to break and use for our own betterment.
• 41:02
  Matt: Snap.
• 41:03
  Eric: You know what I'm realizing?
• 41:04
  Eric: We're leaving out an entire I feel like an entire category of plant here.
• 41:08
  Eric: Fruits, a lot of sex fruit, now Strawberry.
• 41:12
  Eric: Strawberry Peaches are pretty sexy.
• 41:15
  Eric: Peaches do look like butts are do look like butts, they do look like that.
• 41:19
  Eric: But we, god, we love a, we love a thick plant, we love a thick child-bearing plant she's got that.
• 41:30
  Eric: Child-bearing pits, jesus christ.
• 41:33
  Matt: Jesus Christ.
• 41:37
  Matt: But the fruits are fruits of a plant, it's not the plant itself.
• 41:42
  Matt: Fair.
• 41:44
  Eric: Fair and valid.
• 41:45
  Matt: Eric, I'm sorry you got to fuck a peach on your own time, Would Now?
• 41:52
  Eric: trees, Trees.
• 41:53
  Eric: I feel like decidedly unfuckable.
• 41:56
  Eric: I don't think so, despite how much I was, fucking that tree earlier, but that was a special case.
• 42:03
  Matt: Most part like look at a tree, like I mean they give off all the signs of do not fuck me no, you cannot I have a hard itchy, sometimes allergic, exterior yeah, there's.
• 42:17
  Eric: no, there is no part of me that you want your bits to come in contact with.
• 42:22
  Eric: Not a single access point.
• 42:23
  Eric: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 42:25
  Eric: Even the parts of me that are wet are unpleasant, because that is sap.
• 42:31
  Eric: Yes.
• 42:33
  Matt: Almost the opposite of a lubricant.
• 42:35
  Matt: Yes, yes.
• 42:39
  Eric: Girl, I want to get all up in them.
• 42:40
  Eric: Roots Ugh.
• 42:43
  Matt: I hated that.
• 42:43
  Matt: I hated what you just said.
• 42:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 42:46
  Eric: Dog.
• 42:47
  Eric: It's not good.
• 42:50
  Eric: Oh, what about bushes?
• 42:53
  Matt: I feel like bushes might be worse, we're missing the obvious innuendo here.
• 42:58
  Matt: But I mean, are they that sexy bushes?
• 43:02
  Eric: Really, Bushes are now Now.
• 43:04
  Eric: Now, this is hilarious.
• 43:05
  Eric: I find a bush to be sexy but like bushes.
• 43:12
  Matt: Yeah, not great, not great, not great, innuendo free.
• 43:19
  Matt: Oh yeah, yeah, not great, not great, not great, innuendo free.
• 43:20
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, when innuendos left the room.
• 43:23
  Eric: Not a fan of fucking a bush, human bush, great, great, wonderful, 10 out of 10.
• 43:27
  Eric: Other bush oh, actual, but brambles, no thank you, I don't want to bramble.
• 43:33
  Eric: No, I don't want to ramble in the brambles.
• 43:40
  Eric: I feel like a lot of our most fuckable plants might come from the ocean.
• 43:42
  Eric: Okay, because you've got a lot of like.
• 43:44
  Eric: Follow that train of thought.
• 43:45
  Matt: Sea cucumbers sure squishy very um, but also you've got coral, which is a plant coral plant well coral is an organism is like a million organisms in one, but but they're all hard and unwelcoming.
• 44:03
  Matt: They're all hard, sharp, made of dead fish yeah, yeah, you definitely don't want to be twiddling about in their living rock, living rocks defensive rock, living rock.
• 44:15
  Matt: Living rock Not present Defensive rock, very defensive rock, but like seaweed can get up all in you.
• 44:24
  Matt: Kelp God, I hated you.
• 44:26
  Eric: Who's out there like?
• 44:28
  Matt: trying to get with that kelp.
• 44:31
  Eric: Kelp are like fish.
• 44:31
  Eric: No, kelp is like a different version of seaweed, is it?
• 44:37
  Eric: I think?
• 44:39
  Matt: I don't think so.
• 44:40
  Matt: Oh yeah, you're right.
• 44:41
  Matt: What am I thinking of?
• 44:42
  Matt: Krill, krill, I was thinking of krill.
• 44:46
  Eric: I'd fuck the shit out of some krill.
• 44:48
  Matt: Jesus Eric.
• 44:49
  Eric: Consensually.
• 44:50
  Matt: Eric, I don't like kelp.
• 44:52
  Matt: I'll tell you why.
• 44:53
  Matt: Why?
• 44:53
  Matt: Kelp reminds me of a stewed vegetable.
• 45:03
  Matt: Somebody might prepare cabbage that I'm supposed to eat yeah, and don't want to, because it looks like fucking kelp what is up with our planet?
• 45:10
  Eric: there's such a like a lack of fuckable plants.
• 45:13
  Eric: Is this why we evolved into mammals?
• 45:15
  Eric: Because, like we, at one point we were single cell organisms.
• 45:18
  Eric: We could have gone down the plant route or we could have gone down, like the, the mammal route.
• 45:22
  Eric: We looked at the plants and we were like I can't fucks with this yeah, maybe that's what happened, eric okay, yeah, I appreciate the validation, no matter how sincere it wasn't.
• 45:33
  Eric: It wasn't.
• 45:43
  Eric: Yes, absolutely so.
• 45:43
  Eric: I don't know where do we land with this I think, sexiest plant I.
• 45:46
  Matt: I've got to give it to the jessica rabbit lips.
• 45:47
  Matt: I think that's where I'm going to the, the, the.
• 45:49
  Matt: It's just so openly sexual it is so blatantly sexy yes, absolutely, look these up, it's uh no, yeah, like legitimately.
• 45:59
  Eric: I'm just going to test this right now.
• 46:00
  Eric: I'm calling the shot if I search dick sucking lip plant your search history and it comes up immediately first result under images.
• 46:11
  Eric: So yeah, just google dick sucking lip, plant you'll.
• 46:15
  Eric: You'll see what we mean.
• 46:16
  Matt: All right, there you go, juniper, there's your sexiest plant.
• 46:21
  Matt: Go out there and get with it, pollinate it.
• 46:24
  Eric: Now that everyone is good and whatever, the alchemical opposite of horny is this is a episode that we're doing.
• 46:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 46:33
  Matt: It sure is one of them, and it's time for some local legends.
• 46:37
  Eric: Yes.
• 46:38
  Matt: Eric, it's been a bazillion years since we did a local legend.
• 46:41
  Matt: Yeah, would you like to go first or would you like me to go first?
• 46:43
  Matt: Oh, sure, I'll go first.
• 46:44
  Matt: I'll go first.
• 46:44
  Matt: All right, go for it.
• 46:46
  Eric: Now, when you said Japanese, you were in the right hemisphere.
• 46:50
  Eric: I feel I knew.
• 46:51
  Eric: I would be, but this one I didn't go with any weird butt-eye demons.
• 46:55
  Eric: This time I actually went with a living legend.
• 46:58
  Eric: Good, Eric, that was the whole point originally.
• 47:01
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 47:03
  Eric: So have you ever heard of a gentleman by the name of Aki Ra?
• 47:08
  Eric: No, maybe, aki Ra.
• 47:14
  Eric: He was born in Cambodia.
• 47:14
  Eric: This dude's life is fucking insane top to bottom.
• 47:20
  Eric: Uh, so he.
• 47:21
  Eric: He was born into the khmer rouge, uh, conscripted as a child soldier, so, like he's.
• 47:30
  Eric: As a child he was like laying landmines all over cambodia and then, once he got out of that, like once he was no longer a child soldier, he dedicated his uh and sorry, I say dedicated, uh dedicates.
• 47:47
  Eric: He is still alive with us okay, uh, demining cambodia.
• 47:54
  Eric: So he goes around like disarming these old uh mines, uh, which is, you know, there?
• 48:01
  Eric: There's a number of people who could like, like you know, who live in that region, who do that kind of thing, matt.
• 48:06
  Eric: Since 1992, he has personally removed and destroyed as many as 50 000 landmines.
• 48:16
  Eric: Wow, that's incredible.
• 48:17
  Eric: Yes, he had no demining tools.
• 48:21
  Eric: He used a knife, a hoe and a leatherman and a stick damn, you really can do anything with a good multi-tool yeah, he and and like he just spends all of his time like diffusing landmines and unexploded or uh ordinance that he found in small villages and just bring home the empty casings.
• 48:40
  Eric: And like he got so many at one point that tourists began hearing stories about a young comer man who was clearing landmines with a stick and had a house full of diffused ordinance.
• 48:52
  Eric: So he started in 90.
• 48:53
  Eric: In 1999 he started charging people a dollar to see his collection, using the money, money to help further fund his demining activities.
• 49:02
  Eric: So that began the Cambodian Landmine Museum.
• 49:06
  Eric: Wow, he cleared mines where he had fought, where he had heard about an accident, or like village chiefs and farmers would call him and be like, hey, could you please come out and clear some of these mines for us?
• 49:20
  Eric: Dude has adopted over two dozen children because, like again, these are like when he's working in these Like legally.
• 49:30
  Eric: Not legally, no, no, no, no, no.
• 49:31
  Eric: Okay, it's just in the course of his work he's working a lot of like war ravaged Cambodian villages.
• 49:38
  Eric: He comes across a lot of injured and abandoned children so that he would just bring them home with him to live with his, with him and his wife.
• 49:45
  Eric: So, yeah, he, he Wow Like.
• 49:49
  Eric: What a dude, what a noble man.
• 49:52
  Eric: Yeah, this is weird.
• 49:54
  Eric: Cambodian government authorities tried to close down the museum and he was required to cease his quote uncertified demining activities and they briefly imprisoned him in 2001.
• 50:08
  Eric: What I know, in 2005, he went to London where he was trained on ordinance disposal from the International School of Security and Explosives Education.
• 50:18
  Eric: Brief pause.
• 50:20
  Eric: I can't imagine how awkward that must have been for someone trying to explain to him how to deactivate a mine.
• 50:27
  Eric: Right, yeah, like, oh you, just, I imagine there was a lot he was teaching them.
• 50:38
  Matt: It's like the Parks and Rec clip of Ron Swanson and home Depot.
• 50:41
  Matt: I know more than you.
• 50:42
  Eric: There's a whole documentary about his life, called perfect soldier.
• 50:47
  Matt: Uh, there's released in 2010.
• 50:49
  Eric: So if anyone wants to check that out, uh yeah, he's been honored like crazy Cause.
• 50:54
  Eric: If you ever look up pictures of the guy and you see his house or this museum, it is just like some of it's been turned into art.
• 51:01
  Eric: There's just thousands of these minds.
• 51:06
  Eric: I think he's an amazing, incredible human being.
• 51:08
  Eric: Like what a life started life as a child soldier laying mines and has spent his life since then deactivating them, making the world a better, safer place it looks like the whole video, the whole movie, is on youtube.
• 51:21
  Matt: It looks like oh hell, yeah, it's only 55 minutes.
• 51:25
  Matt: Uh, so, yeah, wow, what a, what a guy.
• 51:29
  Matt: Yeah, what a guy.
• 51:31
  Matt: Eric, great local legend.
• 51:33
  Matt: Give it up for aki ra.
• 51:35
  Matt: Great local legend.
• 51:36
  Matt: Thank you, I appreciate it and I appreciate you, and I'm gonna repay you by talking to you.
• 51:38
  Matt: Great local legend, give it up for Aki Ra.
• 51:39
  Matt: Great local legend.
• 51:39
  Matt: Thank you, I appreciate it and I appreciate you, and I'm going to repay you by talking.
• 51:42
  Matt: I appreciate you.
• 51:42
  Matt: I'm going to repay you by talking about Long Boy.
• 51:45
  Matt: Oh fuck, yes, do you know who Long Boy is?
• 51:50
  Eric: No, I just love the words long and boy together.
• 51:55
  Matt: Yes long and boy together.
• 52:03
  Matt: Yes, now, this was uh.
• 52:03
  Matt: This was submitted quite a while ago to us by uh eboots, one on instagram.
• 52:05
  Matt: Thank you, bootsy.
• 52:06
  Matt: Yes, bootsy, on our discord, uh, but yes, submitted a long time ago.
• 52:09
  Matt: B-o-i.
• 52:14
  Matt: Long boy Love.
• 52:16
  Matt: It Is a duck, god.
• 52:19
  Matt: Yes, it's a very tall duck, about a meter tall.
• 52:24
  Eric: As a matter of fact A meter A meter tall, like as in like pert near three feet, correct.
• 52:32
  Matt: He who lived in Derwent College of the University of York in England and has been called England's most famous duck.
• 52:41
  Matt: Let me tell you a little bit.
• 52:42
  Eric: Well, that's just because Lewis Mallard hasn't been there yet.
• 52:45
  Matt: But just well, not yet.
• 52:46
  Matt: Lewis Millard, you, son of a bitch.
• 52:49
  Eric: Lewis Millard.
• 52:50
  Matt: Sorry, it's my it's my, it's your turn to be wrong, thank you.
• 52:54
  Matt: Long Boy was discovered on campus around 2018, circa 2018, and was fed by the students hopefully not bread who noted that he didn't seem to be getting along with the other ducks, eric.
• 53:09
  Matt: However, eventually he did integrate with these other ducks, and two of which were also named chunky boy and fancy boy oh, I'm curious about fancy boy it didn't take very long for long boy to become the university's unofficial mascot.
• 53:28
  Matt: The soon beginning the, the school soon began selling long boy merchandise and eventually started giving out fluffy long boy plushies to graduates along with their diplomas.
• 53:42
  Eric: That's awesome.
• 53:43
  Matt: That's legitimately awesome, and in 2021, reddit discovered Longboy and it led to him becoming an internet sensation.
• 53:53
  Matt: His notoriety then further increased when he was featured by James Corden on the Late Late Show, when he did a bit on the duck, and after not long after that, longboy's Instagram, which is run by a student, skyrocketed to over 16,000 followers in a single day.
• 54:17
  Eric: Get it Longboy.
• 54:18
  Eric: Longboy's got long followers.
• 54:20
  Matt: From there, he was frequently mentioned throughout Britain on various TV and radio shows throughout the years.
• 54:27
  Matt: However, eric in.
• 54:29
  Matt: April of 2023.
• 54:32
  Eric: Oh no, don't hit me with sad.
• 54:34
  Matt: Longboy went missing from campus.
• 54:35
  Matt: Matt, you can't do this to me.
• 54:38
  Matt: He went missing from the campus.
• 54:40
  Matt: No one knew where Longboy went to and because he was no ordinary duck, Eric, a search was conducted after a few weeks.
• 54:50
  Matt: Conducted Conducted.
• 54:53
  Matt: After a few weeks of no Longboy appearances, a search was conducted to no avail.
• 55:01
  Matt: In May of 2023, the university declared Longboy presumed dead.
• 55:09
  Matt: Oh my God, many theories about the duck's disappearance surfaced A fox attack perhaps, or at one point, a student group accused another student group of murdering long boy, but that seems to be debunked, so no one truly knows.
• 55:26
  Matt: Uh, none have been confirmed.
• 55:28
  Matt: A long boy is simply gone with the wind holy Truly.
• 55:36
  Eric: That is when you be.
• 55:38
  Matt: He flew the coop, if you will, but Eric, on September 26th of 2024, only a few months ago, a memorial service was held for Longboy oh of the duck was unveiled at the college, in front of hundreds of people who gathered for the occasion to hear speeches and organ performance of whiz Khalifa's See you again, a rendition of hot to go, sung by the sing song society, which I just have to assume is the acapella group.
• 56:18
  Eric: Yep, that's.
• 56:20
  Matt: And, of course, a moment of quacking.
• 56:23
  Matt: And so God rest His soul, is God.
• 56:30
  Eric: I long boy.
• 56:31
  Eric: Looking at pictures of long boy right now forever.
• 56:34
  Matt: There is a Wikipedia article on long boy BOI.
• 56:38
  Eric: He's the most pensive looking duck every picture of him is like.
• 56:42
  Eric: Is him looking like like a widow looking out to sea when?
• 56:46
  Matt: when bootsy shared this with me with us, I should say originally I thought he didn't have wings, like I thought he was just all torso.
• 56:56
  Matt: Yeah, he's so long and his, his wings are strapped to the side of him.
• 57:02
  Matt: He stands like a people.
• 57:04
  Matt: He does stand like a person and now he is forever immortalized in bronze long may he stand long may he stand and fuck this unofficial thing.
• 57:16
  Matt: Make him the official fucking mascot of this school make him the official mascot.
• 57:21
  Matt: Stand tall, stand long stand tall, long boy, and god bless you, god.
• 57:28
  Matt: So that's my local legend.
• 57:30
  Matt: That's a good local legend.
• 57:32
  Matt: Thank you, thank you and if you've got local legends you want us to cover, it may be a.
• 57:36
  Matt: It might be a cool person at a bar.
• 57:39
  Matt: Yeah, it could be a cryptid that only your small town knows about.
• 57:44
  Matt: Whatever, send it to us and we will cover it.
• 57:48
  Matt: And you know what, eric?
• 57:49
  Matt: There's a few ways they could send that to us.
• 57:53
  Matt: Oh give them the business man.
• 57:55
  Matt: You send it to us along with your questions, as long as they are least pressing at.
• 58:00
  Matt: You didn't ask pod.
• 58:01
  Matt: That's the letter.
• 58:01
  Matt: You didn't ask pod.
• 58:03
  Matt: On instagram, blue sky threads uh, facebook, we are.
• 58:10
  Matt: I haven't closed our x account, but I think we might.
• 58:14
  Matt: But we did jump on the blue sky train.
• 58:17
  Matt: So we are on blue sky.
• 58:19
  Matt: Join us, I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
• 58:22
  Matt: Actually, I don't know if you've jumped on blue sky yet, eric.
• 58:25
  Eric: I have not.
• 58:26
  Eric: I'd be a good.
• 58:27
  Eric: It'd be good Cause I I signed up for Twitter over a decade ago and then never touched it.
• 58:34
  Matt: It looks and feels how Twitter used to dope, like it literally looks like old twitter and they did what threads should have done.
• 58:44
  Matt: And I know there's plenty of people still on threads.
• 58:46
  Matt: And I do say still on threads because, like, can we talk about how threads kind of sucks, like they copied all the worst parts of twitter and none of the good functional parts.
• 58:57
  Matt: Yeah, anyway, we are on threads, we are on instagram, uh, yeah, it fucking sucks, but uh, hey, we're on we're on tiktok and facebook and youtube.
• 59:08
  Matt: Yeah, so all at.
• 59:09
  Matt: You didn't ask pod, or you could literally talk to us directly on our discord by joining our patreon, patreoncom slash.
• 59:19
  Matt: You didn't ask for this.
• 59:21
  Matt: It's also in the episode description, of course.
• 59:24
  Matt: One dollar a month gets you access to the discord.
• 59:26
  Matt: Four dollars a month gets you access to the discord.
• 59:29
  Matt: Uh, a discount on all future merch which we are working on uh, we're gonna.
• 59:34
  Eric: We, we actually have taken meaningful steps.
• 59:37
  Eric: We are working with an artist, right?
• 59:39
  Matt: we're working with an artist right now.
• 59:41
  Matt: We're we, after this recording, we'll be discussing some merch questions?
• 59:47
  Matt: Uh, we said previously we're gonna try to get it out by the end of the year, and we we're.
• 59:52
  Matt: It's causing me anxiety, but we are trying to make that happen for you, by god.
• 59:57
  Matt: So we are taking meaningful steps and, of course, you get the monthly bonus episodes Oops, all Tangents, which are only available with a Patreon subscription, but they are available on all your podcasting platforms.
• 1:00:10
  Eric: You can learn why we stand Kaveh.
• 1:00:13
  Eric: You can learn why we stand Kaveh because I can't tell you here.
• 1:00:16
  Matt: I cannot tell you here, cannot legally, leg.
• 1:00:17
  Matt: I cannot tell you here, cannot legally, legally, I cannot tell you.
• 1:00:19
  Matt: But we are having a great time in the Discord.
• 1:00:22
  Matt: Everybody, your messages, your gifts, your jokes, they're all so fun.
• 1:00:26
  Matt: So keep them going and thanks for joining us, eric.
• 1:00:30
  Matt: Did we miss anything?
• 1:00:32
  Eric: Buddy, you didn't miss a goddamn thing, did you Nah?
• 1:00:37
  Matt: Is there anything we need to plug?
• 1:00:39
  Eric: again Recently, just this past weekend uh, my movie debut, uh for sale by exorcist premiered in Baltimore.
• 1:00:46
  Eric: Uh, it's.
• 1:00:47
  Eric: The hope is that in the near future it will be available on streaming.
• 1:00:51
  Eric: If that's the case, I'll let y'all know.
• 1:00:54
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:00:55
  Matt: Uh, as I mentioned, I'm doing a production of the Shawshank Redemption at next stop theater in Herndon.
• 1:01:00
  Matt: When this comes out, there are only four more scheduled performances of the show the very next day and this weekend, so probably this won't affect.
• 1:01:15
  Matt: You won't be able to act on that plug, but there it is Nevertheless.
• 1:01:20
  Matt: Yeah, so there we go, eric.
• 1:01:23
  Matt: Do we have anything else to talk about?
• 1:01:26
  Eric: I think that's about it babe.
• 1:01:28
  Matt: Well then, from all of us here you didn't ask for this.
• 1:01:30
  Matt: My name is Matthew Shea, my name's Eric Poach and listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:01:35
  Eric: But a duck walks into a bar, Okay, Waddles up to the bartender and says got any grapes?
• 1:01:45
  Eric: And the bartender says no, we don't have any grapes, Get out of here.
• 1:01:49
  Eric: And the duck leaves.
• 1:01:50
  Eric: A little bit later duck waddles back in the bar and says got any grapes?
• 1:01:55
  Eric: He says no, don't have any grapes.
• 1:01:57
  Eric: Now, get out of here.
• 1:01:58
  Eric: Duck waddles off.
• 1:02:00
  Eric: Duck comes in a third time and says got any grapes?
• 1:02:04
  Eric: And the bartender says duck, I'm not going to tell you again we don't have any grapes.
• 1:02:09
  Eric: You come back in here, ask for grapes again.
• 1:02:12
  Eric: I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
• 1:02:14
  Eric: Duck waddles out.
• 1:02:16
  Eric: A little bit later the duck waddles back in Wank Got any nails?
• 1:02:20
  Eric: Says no, Wank Got any grapes, Got them, Got them, Get it Because he was asking if he had nails.
• 1:02:30
  Matt: Oh.
• 1:02:33
  Eric: Because he didn't even nail his can.
• 1:02:35
  Eric: Nails beak to the bar.
• 1:02:36
  Eric: Eric that was a terrible joke.
• 1:02:37
  Eric: You were insulting Longboy's memory by not laughing at that joke.
• 1:02:39
  Matt: That was an insultingly terrible joke.
• 1:02:41
  Matt: You're insulting Longboy's memory by telling the joke.
• 1:02:44
  Eric: Longboy would have gotten that like would have seen how powerful that you don't know what Longboy likes and doesn't like.
• 1:02:55
  Matt: I Thank you.