Latest / Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck / Interview with Lisa Marie Trunkenbolz

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Interview with Lisa Marie Trunkenbolz · Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Kay Eck, and welcome to my podcast, Alive and Kicking: Stories of Waking Up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, welcome back, everybody.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited that my guest today is my dear friend Lisa Marie Trunkenbulls.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the reasons I'm so excited to talk to you is because of the astonishing beauty of your path.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to say before we get started that I am just, oh my gosh, I'm so in love with you and your spirit and your work and everything about you.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I've ever met anybody as humbly talented and gifted and true and beautiful and real as you.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm delighted to have you here with me today.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to me.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for inviting me to this.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: That was probably the best string of compliments I've ever gotten.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: All deserved, all deserved.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I really just also wanted to talk to you because I think you have a really compelling story to tell.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that from experience, the the telling of the story is a gift to yourself and also to the people who might share some commonalities with your journey, and because it is a common journey and common and unique.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I just wanted to start out today with asking you what you think about that word awakening and what it means to you.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for me, um it's kind of twofold.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's a daily thing, but for me in my life, in my experience, um it was a one-day thing.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my awakening, if I could call one day my awakening, which not everyone has that, I know that um not everyone has the burning bush moment, and um fortunately, I think from my from my path, I did.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And my awakening came like so many other people's on a day where my life almost ended.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And um I guess we're getting right into the dirty right away.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: There was a day in my life, and I remember the date, I celebrate the date every year, where um I was going to end my own life.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I had it planned, you know, it was really kind of a structured, organized event in my life, and and um something occurred just milliseconds before I had this, where um I was just I was just very awake, like that was it.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was very awake in a way that had nothing to do with my eyes or my mind.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was a connection that up until that date I had not really experienced to that magnitude.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: So for me, um the awakening is when you can connect and feel all of life, not just the tangible stuff, but your purpose, you know, source, God, great spirit, whatever you want to call.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's the awakening, and um the manifested physical version of that um really is kind of secondary to what occurs on a very energetic level.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: And um what I what what I firmly believe about an awakening is once it occurs, it doesn't undo itself.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's no regression from that level of awake.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, yes, yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Once you're awake, you cannot fall asleep again.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, and I struggled with that a little bit for the first, you know, maybe year that I had this experience, I was living there and never left it, and I was really terrified.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every day I'd pray that I would stay in that place, and then it started to come to me.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: The message became clear as uh as I matured a little bit in my own understanding of what this was that it's not going anywhere, it's here to stay.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, even on my worst days coming, you know.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, very interesting.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's roll the calendar back a little bit and tell me a little bit about your childhood.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: How did you grow up?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What was your family like, uh, your relationship with your siblings, and how did you what was the sense that you had of yourself as a child?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: All right, um, so I was adopted, and I'm I'm so grateful that I was adopted.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my uh I can I'll I'll tell the story about that a little bit later down the road.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I was adopted and I grew up knowing I was adopted.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um so my parents didn't keep that from me.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh two years after I was adopted, my parents thought they couldn't have children, they then conceived my sister.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um and my mother did her very best, and I know I'm not alone in this, but she uh was a very quick to anger person, very uh very abusive.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was it was just a constant level of narcissism and abuse that was going on in my house.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And luckily, my dad was a very tender person, so he was kind of my reprieve.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So there was that, but I do know now looking back, I didn't know what this was.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there was a real genuine um sense of disassociation.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even know what that word was until I was in my 30s, uh, but it made complete sense, and I really feel like it was what helped me to sort of define my life and how I looked at things and and really um I had to travel deep, deep into some place, I'm not sure where it was, in order to survive some of the abuse that I had gone through.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And um, there was a time in my my parents' life several times where they were looking at separating.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so um they had sent me to live with a family member, and I was sexually abused then for a long time.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm really not trying to be snarky about it, but I had a lot of practice learning to transcend pain.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Pain and be pain being probably one of one of the worst, you know, versions of adversity in life, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so um gosh.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, would you would you call um disassociation transcendence?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I guess it could go any way.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: The disassociation could be hiding, splitting yourself off from it, avoiding it, or transcending it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Those feel like two really different things.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm curious about your your choice and how you how you made that choice.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, how old were you?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: It came from the very b beginning of my life.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: I I never felt um quite here, you know, from the beginning.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that it comes from the alchemy of all of the situations, um, being adopted, not having any bond with my biological mother, the issues of drugs in the womb, um, witnessing uh the violence in my home, being the recipient of some of a lot of that anger and violence and so on and so forth.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm still figuring this out, but I really um I somehow think that the spirit helps you to transcend, but the nervous system is disassociating.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so I for me, for me, in my experience, it felt it feels a little bit like both were happening simultaneously.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um but again, that's how we become so split, you know.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I really started to uh what's the word, um self-destruct, you know, like I I couldn't feel the pain in my body anymore, and I couldn't quite I started to embrace it, I started to understand it, became very familiar, the chaos, the pain, um, but at the same time, um was very careful not to inflict it on other people.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was just a really strange thing, and I started to adopt this um this less than feeling and this uh um people pleasing, acting out of fear, you know.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was just this year that I realized that people I think you saw my post, people's opinions is not a reason not to do something, you know.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like for me, crossing the street because you might get hit by a car, or crossing the street because someone's gonna get mad at you had the same weight.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was just wild.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's wild.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm kind of just figuring out how to come back into my human self, but I'm also realizing that all the practice I had in my life helps me to tap into something really out of this world, this limitless thing, you know.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: So um I would never want to live it again, but everything that I experienced really helped, really helped me, you know.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: For some reason, um I came to this earth a piece of coal, you know, and that was just what I needed, you know, I think in this life.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you might have come into a cave, but you were not a piece of coal.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um maybe a diamond, but uh yeah.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So then um did you return to your family after that period of time with the relative or yes, so I did return to my family.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you had decided to stay together or they did, they got back together.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, however, uh my mother and my mother had the a series of affairs that happened probably every four to seven years all throughout my childhood.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so each time this would happen, there was just this serious amount of upheaval that happened.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: But when she was in the home and integrated in the home, again, she was very violent.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: She had a chemical imbalance.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think uh, you know, she did her best.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: I really do think that mostly.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but when she was in the home, that her violence, her chaos, her her imbalances were expressed upon the family members.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: And when she had these affairs, she uh wasn't around.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it was it was a break.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: It was a break for all of us.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I did.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I returned back home, but again, this happened again.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: At this point, I'm a teenager.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so I stayed in the house and I kind of watched everything unfold.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um really at this point losing my faith in humanity, living with my mother, she was had had us very isolated, so I didn't have a I mean you can ask everyone I know, and though they'll be like, I think Lisa was born when she was 18.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like nobody ever saw me, you know what I'm saying?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't have a lot of interactions with people unless it was incredibly unhealthy or as hiding as I said, I was becoming a teenager, started to become a bit self-destructive, so I would sneak out at night, and you know, and those are not the people, so I started to get um get introduced to to drugs, and I hate I I don't like them, so luckily they just didn't do anything for me.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: They kind of messed up the already fun circus I had going on in my head, so yeah, yeah.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: So um it was really painful to watch the heart my dad's heartbreak and uh at the same time really enjoy her absence.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: So did you did you have a sense that you served a role in the family, like with your sister or with your father?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Did you assume any adult roles that you know were probably not appropriate for a child?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh boy, yeah.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: I really do.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was the the role of optimist, um, punching bag, because my sister was such a such a soft, gentle, sensitive person, you know, that often it it did, it rarely went in her direction.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's just misplaced anger, but when it did, I always stepped in.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I just it broke my heart.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even like I I don't even like to go there now.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: It just broke my heart to to such a degree that if I saw my mom losing her temper in that direction, I would immediately pull her back to me.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um other roles like about with your dad or yeah, yeah.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: So it was really hard for me to get close to my dad because my mom she was so skillful, she knew that us being an ally was dangerous for her and her her the way of her way of life.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: So it was hard for me to get close to my dad.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um but when when my mother was gone, I played the role of of I don't know, friend as best that I could, you know.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, I think that's what it was.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: I really was very interested and seemed to have some really adult-like conversations with him about what he was feeling, what he was going through.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it was really interesting.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: There came a point though where my mom's response to my teenage um anarchy, I guess, I don't know, was to take me to the hair salon and cut all my hair off.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh I mean, I know so at 32 I cut my hair for the first time.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was a huge deal because I was so traumatized.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on my way into high school, and she takes me to the hairs and just cuts all my hair off.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was so tormented that year.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and so this is this is what happened, and it's those little moments, you know, like not the big long-standing moments, it's the little moments.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was three days before going to school, to high school, and I I could not leave the bathroom.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm just like, Oh my god, I look like a boy, they're all gonna call me a boy.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom comes in the bathroom and sits on the toilet so defeated, and she's crying, and she goes, I'm sorry I did this to you.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was never as pretty as you when I was younger.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: Her words, and so in that moment, I was consoling her, and at the same time wanted so badly for her to stand her ground.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted her to be like, You did wrong, I did this as a punishment, but I realized this day that she was reckless and that I was in the hands of somebody who just overreacted, and there's no way out of this, there's no end to what she could possibly do, and I felt very unsafe, and I felt that day this shell just build up around me, preparing for anything to come.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And at this point, all of the adults that I had been placed into um care of really just were all so abusive, all of them.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, yeah.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: So your your father was not able to step in um for your protection in any way?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, I mean he tried.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: There were a few times where he tried, but um, first of all, he loves my mother to death.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And um, second of all, if it wasn't coming at me, it was going at him for a day.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: She's got an amazing amount of endurance for for for just doling out wrath, you know.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: She really it really is interesting to to explain this to someone because I'm very aware how it sounds.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it growing up, how how spoiled and rotten and perhaps convoluted these these memories are.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I started to receive little little validations of my suspicion that perhaps my mother is completely off her rocker by going to therapists, by hearing feedback from my teachers.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: I remember as a as a teenager, I so I got my hair all cut off.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: My mother was started to have another affair.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Everything in my whole life was just so painful.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was actually losing touch with myself.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I went to school.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, forgive me.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna receive a lot of haters for this.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was getting so angry with life, I set my school on fire.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was really unstable, really unstable.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: And from there, um, I was expelled and I started to go to therapy, thank God.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was expelled, I went to a special school with more attention.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: I started to receive therapy, and this was kind of my savior.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: And when my mother was introduced into some sort of interaction with one of these authorities, invariably they'd be like, You poor thing, your mom's nuts.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Which I mean, it takes a lot for someone to say something like that.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes, little moments like that, yeah.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: So what what did that do for you to hear that?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it must have been like kind of a double-edged sword, you know, like, yay, somebody's noticed, and like, what the fuck, you know, what happened?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is right, but like I said, it was it was one of the days, one of those light bulb days when we my mom and I were in the bathroom, she showed me all by herself that she's just she's not all there.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: So from there, I started to feel a little bit of hope.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: I started to think, oh my god, there's a world out there, perhaps, you know, like if I can just make it through this period and like move out, I don't know what that looks like.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so yeah, it started to feel like that.
• 19:59
  unknown: Yeah.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, that very, very dramatic um call for help of trying to set your school on fire, like that's like literally like my world is on fire.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see this?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, please help me.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Did you see it that way?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what was your what was your motivation?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: What was your did you have a sense of a motivation or was it just a so that the way you express that really is just exactly what I see it as now.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: But at this point, I was so removed from from my own thought processes.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I didn't I didn't know that's what it was.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea why I was doing what I was doing at this point.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: And around this time is when I started to drink too.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was my sense of calm going to school and drinking, and and uh so that probably worked until it didn't, right?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it worked, but I will say this um go, you know, going to the special school, seeing these therapists worked more at that time.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I did turn it around.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was I was reintroduced back to public schools, I was um on homecoming court, you know, like I just I did all the things I graduated early and then stayed so I could do work in the art room.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like I really worked hard to pick myself up and I learned a lot about myself in my independence, also in my in my ability.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my I I was really grateful because my ability, my abilities, you know, to do the things I wanted to do really um really kind of invalidated my mom's opinion of me, which I desperately needed.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um I wasn't a very conventional learner, which which I think really aggravated her, which parent, you know, they do.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like I have a four year old now, and it's a challenge sometimes, aggravated as not.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: The word, but it is a challenge to learn how they learn.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh, and my mom just didn't have the patience for that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I started to realize the ways in which I learn, and it just really wasn't conventional.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: It did wonders for my self-esteem.
• 22:18
  unknown: Yeah.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: So then what happened next?
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, did you go to college or did you choose another route?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I did go to college.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I had decided that I would be uh at the I had a I had a boyfriend who was a firefighter, who was going to school to be a firefighter.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: His whole family was paramedics and firefighters, so that's what I chose to do.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: I went to school um and got my EMT license and started to work as an emergency medical technician and also was testing for to as a firefighter.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, in the area, you need to have both.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: You need to have a degree and be a firefighter.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was really pushing myself physically.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I love the medical stuff, I love the anatomy, all of the biology, the study of the body.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: It just was really, really wonderful.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and uh my life took one more south turn after after I was getting in into this.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, I I really climbed a very I have found a lot of defining parts in that journey that were just a little off parallel with my life's purpose.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, I mean, I'm not meant to be a fireman.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, what was the path that led you to contemplate taking your life?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here we go.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I still wasn't right.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: My heart was a closed tight box.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't trust anyone, and at this point I was seeing some somebody who was my high school sweetheart.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's the only glimpse of friendship I had up to this point, and uh we broke up, um, wasn't it entirely his fault.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was I just was not right.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: I I was not well um educated in how to be in a relationship.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: I watched my own violent tendencies start to come out to this very lovely boy, you know.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: But we were together for five years.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but we broke up, and at the same time, my mother had another affair.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: And she moved my father away this time and moved her boyfriend in.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: And um I just needed to get out of the chaos.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I needed to move out of my house.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was working at just a part-time job.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was going to school, I was working at emergency rooms and and local fire departments for the EMT.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and one of my one of my friends that I knew from high school goes, hey, if you need to make a quick$2,000, there's the strip club that you can do an amateur night.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on board, I want to get out of this house.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so I started, I I went and did that, and I and I succeeded at my mission.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: I got my$2,000.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then uh was able to move out, you know.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I moved out two weeks later, you know, and then was immediately hooked on this lifestyle.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: I had found something that was comfortable, the level of chaos.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: I understood, um I understood the dynamic of sexual desire, object, objectification.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: There was no part of this that was hard for me.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so and and drinking was encouraged.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so um I just slipped right in.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I was 22.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: Uh just had my EMT license for about two years, 22 years old.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: I got my first DUI, and any DUI pretty much takes you off of take takes it off the table to become a firefighter.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: So my the one thing that I was holding on to that made me feel a bit noble or or equipped for something, you know, for life, something that made me feel validated was gone.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: And uh everything else, I was just excluded just an emotional wreck, completely still in that self-destructive phase, only um only standing tall or making the right choice for what I wanted to accomplish because my accomplishments had really become my the the defining thing about me.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: If just like a little bit of a life raft.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I realized as soon as that was gone, I didn't care about myself.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so I and I really just I just totally let go.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: I let go and surrendered to this place of just not caring and and um worked worked in the nightclubs, uh, started to drink uh really heavily and it became um a severe overnight like addiction overnight.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: So drinking morning, noon, and night.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I if any anyone out there has ever experienced an alcoholic or gone through alcoholism themselves, there's a point where you get as a morning, noon, and night drinker where you're both withdrawing um from alcohol and getting drunk at the same time.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's the most insane experience because uh withdrawing from alcohol is actually one of the most dangerous withdrawals that you can have because it can put your mind brain into a seizure and you can die.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Heroin doesn't even withdraws does not even threaten the life the way alcoholism does.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would wake up, you know, from whatever alcoholic stupor I had put myself in four or six hours later with drawing, so shaking, tremors and seeing things, and also trying to drink more, and it would come up, and I'm just giving you the raw dirty of it, like this is what it looks like, yeah, you know, like it would come up, and then I would try and drink, and eventually it would stay down, and so it so I'm just getting right to the to the worst part of it.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um and there came a point where that wasn't my first DUI.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I got another DUI.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was driving while I was drinking, and somehow I kind of knew that this was coming, but um I got pulled over.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get pulled over.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: There was an attempt to pull me over, and I decided to flee.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I went through this high-speed auto chase um through several towns.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God nobody was hurt.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: But um just a testament to how very sick and careless uh and empty I was, I was ready to leave this earth, and that earned me a year in prison where I really um had my first sober breaths, nights, days, experiences.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I was with people who had experienced the same things I did, you know, um these beautiful women who who just so talented and they can all sing.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: It is amazing the way they sing, um, but crafty and dysfunctional and abused, and really without any other way in life.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it really touched me deep inside and transformed me.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: I got to see like I think that is where I learned my my level of compassion for people, you know.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of the skills that I think that I have is I can just really feel people, I can feel their their wounds, you know, yeah, and see the beauty in them as well.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting to this to this point.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I spent that time in prison and then I got out and I'm thinking to myself, okay, well, I haven't drank in all this time, I'm fine.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but that actually wasn't the case.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: And uh in 2008, let me make sure I have my numbers right here.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: Almost longer.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: 2007.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so in 2007 I was released from prison.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um multi-felonious individual lost my career path.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: I have no idea what a sense of family is, no friends, no money.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um gosh, but there was freedom, you know.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: I really there was nothing there that I was holding on to.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: I went home, I thought it was gonna be fine.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Home was with a boyfriend at the time who then became my husband.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: We'll stop there.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I went home and uh two or three weeks later I relapsed and was worse than ever, and that's when I had decided.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: So um I watched my poor boyfriend just endure, endure this, you know, and he just got fed up with it and so sick of it, and I really didn't care.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it was January 18th of 2008.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: So from October until that January, I had really, really become very clear that my per my path had ended.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: I needed to end it myself because I was trying nightly to just please let me not wake up tomorrow.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing here for me.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in so much pain and so empty.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so January 18th, I I waited for my boyfriend to leave.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: He was a paramedic, so it was very convenient.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: He was gone every third day for 24 hours, and this was the day that I had planned to do it.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he kept guns stocked in the house.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and I knelt on the floor and I and I felt no which way about it, neither here nor there.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: It just, okay, here we go.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: And something snapped.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't like something saved me.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't looking for it.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't believe it was there, but something flashed, and it was a sunny winter day, the snow had just fallen, so it's like this huge light box outside, just the an alcoholics nightmare, you know.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: But suddenly I was like, whoa, and I'm getting just every time I tell this story, I get goosebumps.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was sober.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was sober for the first gosh, time.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and and this just on a I think a three-week long-standing binge, I was like, whoa.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, in movies, how they do that um focal effect where that you see like the dust coming up, and it was like that's the level of awake, and I'll just call it that that I was in that moment, and I felt it shoo, shoot into me.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: There's you need to be here, there's more.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I put the gun down, and just like that, the drapes fell, and I was really drunk and sick again.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was just really, really, and I was taking pills at this time too.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was just whoosh, but I knew I'm like, I need to hold on to this.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: This was a roadmap, so I got my and that was that was the day that was my wake up.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: That was, I don't necessarily think you even need to leave your body to have that effect that people have when they die and come back to life.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, totally, yeah.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: I know what that is.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so then what happened?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: So um, you know, I couldn't see, but I'm like, I need to call a cab.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: And this was before Uber, so I called a cab and I'm on my way, and I can just for the first time in my life, I was feeling energies, not densities, I was feeling energies.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: I got into this cab and felt an energy.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: And the cab driver was looking back, and he's like, and I knew what that energy was.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, You don't have to go to rehab, why don't you come home with me?
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I could feel it, and I was like, wow, I can deal with this, I understand this.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know people, but I know this, I know energies, and I think it was because for the first time I had the flash of the opposite of that energy.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was able to see the light that I had not seen to yet.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, no, thank you.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: I got there, and um when I arrived at rehab, their rule is, and this blows my mind, um, that you need to be as as sober as you can, uh a level of sober, you have to be a level of sober, you know.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um typically they want you to blow a bit below um what is the driving, whatever, um, because you have a couple of hours of paperwork to do.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I walked in, I insisted that I was capable of doing this.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now, mind you, I hadn't stopped drinking in three weeks, so I have no idea what my blood alcohol content was.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm filling out these paperworks, but I am in a different place.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I felt it in my heart and in my mind, it was operating for me.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was signing all these papers, probably about four hours went by, and they had me do a breathalyzer, and I blew a 0.36.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the woman was like, How are you doing this?
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't know, but I need you to put me somewhere before I leave.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so I went through a detox phase, and this was the first time I'd ever actually detoxed at this level, and it was pretty bad.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: It was um, I was seeing things and had to take a lot of medications and it lasted about five days, but from that point forward, I never looked back.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I spent 30 days in rehab and I went to AA after that, and I did all the things in AA that I needed to do.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: I got a sponsor, I followed her instructions, I started sponsoring other people.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: I still go to these meetings, you know, now, and it's not because I'm going because I need a drink, I don't.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was gifted this level of neutrality for that energy, you know, like that that practice, that um self-medicating, and I haven't turned back.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's helping others now, you know.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm showing up to help others, yeah.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's been wonderful.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: The the um, you know, there's just almost no way to reconcile the first part of your life with the second part, you know.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that, I think is probably a pretty rare occurrence where there's that delineating moment where everything shifts and everything.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure there was much to deal with and still is along the path, you know, reconciling what happened, but to have that definitive moment is like such an incredible gift.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: You must feel so blessed by that.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know any other word.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: Very fortunate, really fortunate.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: I um yeah, I can't even yeah, I there's I mean, there's another energy to it, but that's what we'll have to go with today because it's it literally f felt like being ripped out of the water just in time, you know, before drowning.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it's and I haven't had there's uh you're right, there are other things to deal with, but that's the beauty of it now.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't had to white knuckle fight the urge to to decon uh uh self-construct like that anymore.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it's just like I think that people who in the community, because you have this, you you have this beautiful yoga community, and um you know they probably would be so surprised to hear about your path because you are such a bright light and a gentle soul, and I think that's just how people see you.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I just like that's like one of the whole purposes for this podcast is to just show that there's nothing impossible, and this seems like it seems impossible that you could have come so far, you know, in such a short amount of time.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's just an incredible.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: So um, how has that um you know, your commitment to well, first of all, I guess, you know, I was thinking of your life as in all of our lives really as being like, you know, there's like for a while it's like the spiritual's here, and then like the regular daily life is here, and they're somewhat separate, you know, and then as you get along on the path, and you find that they're moving closer and closer until you know suddenly they're intrinsic and they can't be separate anymore.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you was was that point that point for you, or did that come later?
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, I know you are a sandwich.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here now, yes.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: But and what a what a magical place to be, right?
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, that is the foundation from which nothing is impossible.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I that wasn't it, that was just that was the light switch, you know, that that turned the lights on in the room, and and from there started to feng shui my life.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I had to figure out who I was, and that's an ongoing process, you know.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: There was a lot of um nervous and neurological trauma that I had to that I had to first recognize.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_01: Good God, you know, like nobody nobody told me that um a physical response occurs when you're sexually or physically abused, that actually alters um your way of of understanding life, thinking, relating to others.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: As a woman, as a woman in my 20s at this point, I got sober at 24.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um I didn't know how to have sex.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't know how to relate, I didn't know how to be intimate, you know.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I didn't know who I wanted to be.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know I liked yoga, you know.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know any of these things.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so parts of my life were still being lived, um lived in a place of security, safety, fear, unknowing, because I thought it's what I should do, things like that.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: But other parts were falling away, you know, like so I got sober at 24, I'm 36 now, and I think that the past three years has been the greatest understanding of myself, who I am now.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the the seven or eight years prior, um was a lot, I think, of physical healing that I didn't realize was going on just in calming down, just in getting out of dangerous environments.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_01: It really started to um, I really was able to watch my body transform over that course of like seven to ten years, my responses to stress, you know, um, yeah, just just how how I treated food, you know, how I treated my body, how I talked to myself, you know, my response when my mother called me.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like all of those things had to come first because I needed to come into my body.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_01: I remember the first time I I was in my late 20s and I spoke with a psychic, and I didn't know anything about this light light worker world, you know.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I spoke with a psychic who said, You are you are up here.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Do you know how to get in there?
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like, I don't know what you're saying, but I know exactly what you're saying, and no, I don't know how to get back because it's scary in here, you know.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was my work.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then once I figured out how to do that, and yoga was a big part of it, a personal practice.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, then I started to realize, you know, um I'm not trapped professionally by my record, you know what I mean?
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm and and I started, and um, you're we're also not trapped by um what people think needs to happen in order to follow their purpose, their path, you know.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I had no idea how to draw up a business plan or or start up a business or anything like that, but I no idea up here, uh, but I knew in here, you know, and and that's what matters.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: And luckily, I wasn't smart enough to go find out the reasons that would be make it too hard.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just like, this is what I'm doing now because I know it in here, and every day I would just show up and do the next thing, do the next thing.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: And as I continued, and that was that was actually the point where it stopped being just a physical alignment and this and the spiritual and physical started to align was when I just committed to my intuition.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: I stopped doing things because um I didn't understand, I stopped not doing things.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I didn't understand them, or I thought I might fall flat on my face, or anything else, and I just got really in tune with that intuition, and and everything worked out.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is that what has that meant to you?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: How has that affected your life?
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being married to the intuition?
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it has made it impossible for me not to do the what my soul calls me, my my soul purpose.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that includes it wonderful things, great experience, and I it's not good or bad.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's not in that category.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like I consider the day I almost ended my life one of the best days of my life, if that if that helps you to understand, but just for simplicity's sake, um, I've watched my life build up in certain ways and deconstruct in certain ways because uh I just if it doesn't line up with my intuition, it's gotta go.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: And one of those things is my marriage, you know.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but what one of the things that's come is is a bafflingly successful um uh project with my yoga studios.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, it the the way this is unfolding has nothing to do with how intelligent I am, you know.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I just think that is um such an important uh thing to bring through because this idea of following our intuition seems like it's gonna be like a really awesome, great thing, but um showing up to your life in that way and saying yes to a call that is beyond your physical world is um it can be both wonderful and incredibly challenging and difficult, and because sometimes it requires you to do things that you're afraid to do, things you don't want to do, things that are gonna make people upset.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, yeah.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the um the ability to face that head on and do it anyway is just it to me, it it's the only way to operate in this new world, but it's hard, it's so hard, and it's exhausting, frankly.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: Exhausting is right.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_01: Kay, I gotta tell you, at this point, I'm just I'm so grateful that I found you because um every time I it's almost like what would Kay do?
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_01: I just like to know my K.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I and it's wonderful because the advice, you know, the the the prayers that come to me don't make any rational sense, but it it's it just it does at the same time.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you're right, like um I'm I'm really grateful for women like you, particularly you are doing this scary thing because yeah, just we need that light.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we need someone beautiful, just beautifully standing in her in her light and like come on, yeah, yeah.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_00: So good.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, yeah.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think um that it I what I'm finding at least at this point in my life is that the the hard, like the really, really there's like this period of time when saying yes to your heart and being real, taking off the masks is really the hardest thing you'll ever do, bar none, including rehab, including prison, you know, but it's like it's like an intense but limited amount of time, and then beyond that, there's there's a certain freedom and a certain ease that that's not so uncomfortable anymore.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes like the only way that you can operate, so there's no amount of energy that's spent fighting that or wondering about it, or you know, kind of resisting it.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's just you're stepping into the flow and you're just going, and there's nothing you can do about it.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you're a little bit, you know, taken by a wind at your back or a current under your feet, and so you can, you know, let go in it in the process a little bit better.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: So hopefully that's something that you're finding.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think it probably is.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: There are, I mean, it's happening on a daily basis now where my day ends, and I'm like, well, that's not what I planned for today.
• 48:44
  unknown: Every single day.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's great, great.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's exciting, and it's also, you know, it can be tiring.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so do you think that the path to awakening has to be hard?
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something about that challenge that is a necessity?
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right away, I want to say no, but I also wonder if that's because I want to save people from pain.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't I think that there needs to be, um, everyone has their own set lock and key, you know, and mine just happened to be a bit out of the norm in terms of hard.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_01: But so many of my friends now and people will come to me for advice or or or not not sometimes not for advice, sometimes just to talk.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_01: And if if if they are open to me saying anything, it's really just like have fun with the hard stuff, you know.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_01: Have see if you can find the the fun in the darkness, or you know, um, which is not always so easy to do, especially lately, because there's been just so much challenge, you know, that everyone's going through.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I do I don't necessarily think everyone's path has to be so hard, but in order to experience the the the all in the the full spectrum magic of it, there has to be some witches and demons and dark and fire.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_01: There just has to be.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's there anyway, probably.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that you're, you know, just getting lucky.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, absolutely.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I think what happens is um, you know, like how much energy are you expending or or taking from this experience of life and living life by trying not to fall in the potholes?
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, look up, look up and be here.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and if you fall, you know, just trust that you didn't need that leg anyway.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this seems like a really good time to switch over to our lightning round.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so Lisa, are you ready to um do our lightning round?
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_00: What time of day is your absolute favorite?
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: 8 p.m.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_00: until about three in the morning.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that?
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_01: I love painting, it's my creative hour.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: No one's bothering me with child's asleep.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's just been my favorite time of day forever.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm nocturnal for sure.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's interesting.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have a friend who was just telling me that the create the most creative time is actually nighttime, which is I feel I have been feeling myself moving, like shift everything is turning upside down for me.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be like early morning, it was my most creative time, and now I'm like finding myself at midnight or three o'clock in the morning, like writing poetry or whatever.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like yeah, those twilight hours are something, man.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's some magic in there.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, do you believe there is objective beauty?
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like everything that's true is beautiful, everything that's true is beautiful.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's the objective nature of beauty.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, and that's kind of where I was going when I started answering this question the first time.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_01: Is yes, yeah, you're right.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not something really that has anything to do with our with optics, you know.
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_01: It it's it's uh it's felt and it's just creates a spontaneous smile on my face, you know, and it's I don't want to necessarily equate it to peace because it it has a different, it has a more magical, all-encompassing, full spectrum, you know, beauty to it.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_01: The rose and the thorn, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: Felt in the spirit.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love that beautiful coffee or tea, decaf coffee.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_01: Me too.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, regular coffee at this point.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like drugs, just anything, any sort of stimulant or anything.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's I just I don't like it.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too connected, I don't want to mess this up.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I go in and out of coffee periods, and I always when I when I start back on the coffee, I always think like I don't think people realize what coffee does to your system.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't I mean you get used to it so quickly, but it's still doing that to your system, you know.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I feel like it doesn't actually give me more energy, but it makes me more anxious about everything.
• 53:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I go through these cycles and it's and I it's almost like I did this science experiment almost where I'm like watching the cycle occur where it's like this amazing elation and then anger and then sadness and then a sleepiness.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh my gosh, thank God for decaf.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right, what's the best gift you've ever given?
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_01: The best gift, my baby.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yes, for the world.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I just want to share with everybody that the first time I met Lisa's beautiful daughter, Fiona, she looked up at me, and I think she was only two years old, and she said, Oh, I've been missing you.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just like, Oh my god, I've been missing you too.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_00: That was so incredible.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: That was so beautiful, oh my gosh.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, from our time on the other star, you know, like that was such an authentic moment, too.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, authentic, yeah.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_01: I've been missing you, I've been missing you.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like she didn't even, she just like remembered that she had been missing me because she saw me, you know.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was like, oh my gosh.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've never heard her say that to anyone else either.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
• 54:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_01: What would you like more of in your life?
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right away, joy, joy and ease right now.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have a lot of joy after I got sober and and before I decided to separate from my husband.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_01: I had a lot of it, you know, and I just but I know right now is just the period of work.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, joy and just joy, actually.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just cut it off.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_00: That would be on my the top of my list too.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that you're right, we have been through this period of you know, like the human experience or individual human experience has been like squeezed inside this vice.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also heard people refer to it as the eye of the needle, where you know, only the essence can fit through to where we're going through.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like it's almost like you've been like scraped raw from trying to get through that needle with all your baggage when it just has to go, you know.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 55:58
  SPEAKER_00: I see that.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, yep.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're all very skinny right now.
• 56:04
  unknown: Yes, we are.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully on the other side it'll be um, yeah, we'll start, you know, having some fun.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: That would be awesome.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so to conclude today, Lisa, do you have a question for me?
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_01: How can we carry this message?
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_01: How can we be of service to other people in a carry this in a in a graceful way while we're just stumbling?
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I'm asking too much right away, but I don't know.
• 56:47
  SPEAKER_01: I I feel like yeah, how can we just be a bit more graceful with our new legs and and shine our light?
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_01: What what would you what what advice would you give me as my friend?
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, you know, um I'm also like I I don't think there's very many people who are have already gotten this figured out.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I would say much more of the same.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just for me, the the things that used to throw me off, my access, can't do that anymore because I've been focused so clearly on connecting right here, straight to source, with no nothing else in between.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_00: No relationships, no ideas, no conditioning, no history, no future predictions, no communities, no nothing.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just this and that.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's gonna be that's going to be the most powerful thing, I think.
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_00: And what we do is secondary to that.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I really do believe that the light that we are, the more light we can, you know, integrate into our into who we are or to reveal, then it changes everything that we do, everyone around us, the the the ions in the air, you know, everything.
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_00: So um I don't think it's gonna be, I don't think it's gonna be as hard as you think.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna have to be continue to be you and continue to walk the path that you're doing.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think there's anything that needs to be done besides that.
• 58:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was just actually considering this myself.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, I understand the part about being the light.
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_00: How do I bring it forward?
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_00: How do I bring it out?
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do I expand it?
• 59:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going, I'm doing the same thing that you're doing, which is just listening not to the the far future, but just to the next step that comes from here.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I said earlier, I have like everything about what I've been doing has just turned upside down, and I'm doing something like I never thought I would be doing, but um, yeah, just saying yes to the next step.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 59:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_00: So well, Lisa, I want to thank you so so much for being here today.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that your story is going to inspire people, and it just makes me want to cry at the beauty of it.
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so so grateful that you're here to tell that story and to shine your light and to be your friend and to be in your company and to watch by and learn by example.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love you so so much.
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, thank you.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_01: I love you so much too.
• 1:00:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get coffee soon.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we will.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right, bye, Lisa.
• 1:00:10
  SPEAKER_00: See you later.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 1:00:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for inviting me.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, bye bye.