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8. Navigating the Exit: Planning to leave an abusive relationship · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, happy New Year.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I hope you've had a peaceful start to 2024.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: For some people who are listening to this, this might be the year that you decide to separate from your partner.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: So let's get into the conversation about separation planning when your partner is controlling or abusive in other ways.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the path to separation involves developing confidence in yourself and trust in your decisions before you have clarity about the future of your relationship.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: This clarity can be achieved independently, at your own pace, with or without the support of professionals, before you've decided, before you've ever said the words separation or divorce to your partner.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: This is something that I've supported a number of clients with when they've needed help in getting some more clarity about which direction they want to go in with their relationship.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Or you might be someone who's already decided that you want out of an abusive, controlling or otherwise high conflict relationship.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: You might have already reached that point where you just know that you are done, but your intuition might be telling you, and perhaps also your common sense, that your partner probably isn't going to respond well to your decision.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Even in situations where a high conflict person, a controlling person and abusive person, even in those situations where that person initiates the breakup.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: It's still very common for them to control the situation by changing their minds repeatedly or simply just attempting to control all the things.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: The purpose of this back and forth is to keep you off balance so that they can maintain control.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: One minute you might be called horrible names and the next you might be sent loving text messages, blamed for their abusive behaviour.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: One day begged to go to marriage, cancelling the next.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, talk about confusing.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Threats of separation and divorce are actually very common when you're in a relationship with a controlling or otherwise abusive person.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: They use those threats as a means to continue to maintain control over you, and they expect that those threats are going to be worrisome to you and that they're going to cause you to not challenge them, to not stand up for yourself.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: They're wanting you to be worried about the end of the relationship.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: They tend to sometimes be surprised if you take them seriously, and again, that's when they can take a backward step with these threats.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: That's when they can suddenly suggest going to cancelling instead.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Either way, what's underpinning all of this is their desire for ultimate power and control, along with a deep seated entitlement that they feel that they actually deserve that total power and control, and oftentimes, what's also going hand in hand with that is a belief that they have the right to enforce that perceived entitlement.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: One of the reasons why I understand so much about this dynamic is because I have lived it.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: I have lived experience of this sort of relationship dynamic.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: This is one of the reasons why my clients ultimately choose to work with me, because they appreciate working with someone who understands intimately what it is that they're experiencing.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So let's go back to talking about separation planning.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Making the decision to leave a marriage or a long term relationship is really challenging.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: When the person that you are deciding to leave has a high conflict personality, long term patterns of controlling and abusive behaviour, this already difficult situation becomes even more confronting, largely due to the abusive partner's intense need to maintain the balance of power and control.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: If possible, it is best to carefully plan your separation with the help of an experienced professional, before you've said the words separation or divorce to your partner.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: In this episode, I'm going to chat about a number of things that I ask people to consider doing before they tell their controlling and abusive partner of their intention to end the relationship and or leave the home.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: One of the main reasons for separation planning is that the behaviour of abusers tends to escalate at the time of separation.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Their ultimate power and control is challenged in this time and they don't like it.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: It's really common for abusive people to destroy items that are special to you, or even special items that belong to your children, to also deny you access to important documents or, again, they can destroy important documents.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: They can also block your access in terms of returning to the home to collect important items.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: So these are some of the reasons why planning is so important.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: It's important here that I acknowledge that, if you are in fear of your physical safety or the physical safety of your children, taking time to plan to the extent that I'm going to discuss in this episode is likely not going to be the best path for you, and this is where I do urge that, if you are within Australia, that you contact 1800, respect for their support and guidance, and if you're listening in from another country, that you find out the support number for your specific country, state, local area for support.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Another important caveat here is that none of what I'm about to suggest to you is legal advice.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: So if you are at all concerned about your legal position, I do suggest that you speak with a lawyer.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Separation planning PDF is also available via a link in the show notes, and that PDF corresponds to the things that I'm about to suggest to you now.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: One important thing to consider is to remove important documents from the home for yourself and your children prior to mentioning separation or divorce to your partner.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: By important documents.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about things like passports, birth certificates, linking information and statements, insurance and registration documents, those sorts of things.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: For some of those things, you might have access to those sorts of things online, in which case it still will be a good idea for you to print off some copies or take some screenshots, things like that.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: To also consider removing some important personal possessions and keepsakes that you can without drawing any attention of your partner, for example, special photographs, souvenirs, other mementos.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Also, think about things that have been handed down to you from family members, so family heirlooms, jewellery, those sorts of things, anything that you think you might be able to remove from the home without your partner noticing or without any suspicion being aroused from them.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Consider also doing the same for the important possessions and keepsakes of your kids.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: So is there any special toys, for example, that would be possible for you to remove from the home without drawing anybody's significant attention, and the reason that we're doing this is that once you've made the decision that you're going to separate, and especially if you've made the decision that you're going to be the one to leave, and when that's the case, what I do suggest clients do is actually secure wherever it is that they're going to be moving to before they've had this conversation with their controlling partner.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Some of my clients have completely set up their new home before they've said the words separation to their partner, because they know that the reaction is not going to be a good one.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And when you've got children, your primary responsibility is the safety and wellbeing of your children, it's not the emotional wellbeing of your emotionally immature controlling partner.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Even if you don't think that your partner will behave in a physically abusive way, no one can predict whether that's actually the case, and one of the best predictors for people ultimately resorting to physical violence is long-term coercive control.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: The fact that your partner may never have been physically abusive before does not mean that he never will be, and separation is one event that can trigger physical abuse.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: That's absolutely not a situation that you want to be putting yourself in, and absolutely not for your children, but it's also really harmful for children to see other forms of control and abusive dynamics during the separation process.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: It's not separation and divorce that's harmful to kids.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: It's kids being caught in the middle of the conflict that is harmful to them.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: So we've just spoken about removing important documents from the home for yourself and your children or, at the very least, obtaining copies of those things, although if we're talking about passports and birth certificates, I do suggest that you take the actual document itself.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: We've spoken about removing important personal possessions and keepsakes for you and the kids that you would be able to remove from the home without drawing the attention of your partner.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: If your partner's been monitoring your communication or you suspect that this could be the case, it's important to consider buying a second phone and a prepaid SIM card so that you can then have a means of communicating privately with friends or family members without being monitored.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Remember, if you choose to take screenshots of banking information, those sorts of things, and if you suspect that it's a possibility that your partner monitors your communication or will look at your phone with or without your consent, it's really important that, if you take those screenshots, that you send them to a trusted person and then delete them from your phone so that they're not there for your partner to find the next time they start monitoring whatever it is that you've been doing on your phone.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: This is also a really important time to start your documentation.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: The process that I recommend that my clients take with documentation is that they create a new email address, so this can be done really easily at no cost via something like Gmail.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: So, for example, if your name was Sally, you could create a new email address that is Sally documentation 2024 at gmailcom and then, from within that new email address, that's where you compose new emails about what you're experiencing from your ex partner or current partner, as the case may be before separation and you send them to that new email address as well.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: So in this example, sally would go into her new Gmail.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: She would compose a new email about something that her partner had been doing or saying, some form of abusive behavior that she wants to document, and the address that this would be sent to would be that same new email address, so that all of the documentation is composed in this one email account.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Now, one of the reasons that I suggest that clients do this is because it does keep all of the documentation in one online location, that, even if something happens to your device, you're not going to lose.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Lose your, your documentation, you'll still be able to access it by way of another device.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: But also emails are time and date stamped, and so they do come with a much greater degree of credibility than what simply taking notes in the notes section of your phone or a diary entry does.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Anything that you choose to remove from the home should be taken to either your place of work, if you've got somewhere at work where you could securely store something, or left in the care of a trusted friend or family member, but only if you feel confident that your controlling and abusive partner does not have a degree of control over that person.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: It's important that you're choosing someone who doesn't have a relationship with your partner, who doesn't feel sorry for your partner, who isn't going to believe the narrative of your partner.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: For example, don't choose to confide in a friend if the partner of your friend is besties with your abusive partner.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I know you might be thinking, danielle, isn't that obvious?
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Um, no, it's not, because I have had some clients before working with me make some of those mistakes.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: So if you're trusting the things that you're getting out of your home, if you're trusting those things to a particular person, please make sure that you're choosing that person very, very carefully.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: The person you choose to assist you needs to be someone who is not going to be manipulated by the abuser's lies or give in to any demands of the abuser out of fear.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: So, continuing on with our separation planning any valuables or furniture that you can't remove from the home without eliciting some kind of suspicion For example, you might have really nice leather lounge suite that I'm pretty sure your partner would notice if it was gone.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: They're the sorts of things that instead you will photograph.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: You will also create a bit of a written or typed inventory and you can email that information to yourself again.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: In that documentation email Making copies, screenshots or printing documentation about investments, superannuation balances, all of those sorts of things, even if those things are in your partner's name only because that information is going to be relevant later on down the track.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Consider also taking photocopies of your own personal identification.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: So driver's license in Australia, you know, medicare card, those sorts of things.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: You can keep those copies again with a trusted person or you can email them to yourself within your own documentation email address and again, you know the likelihood of you needing to have those copies we hope is fairly slim.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: But again, this is part of the planning that I help my clients with, because we can never fully predict the behaviour of a controlling and abusive person when they realise that they are losing control of you and losing control of the relationship as a whole.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Consider going into your local post office and organising a PO box for your male and your children's male that your partner won't be able to access.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: So if your plan is to be moving out of the family home, this is important at least for a period of time after you've left, because unfortunately it's not uncommon for controlling ex-partners to tamper with your male, either male that still gets sent to the family home after you've moved, or even tracking down your new location and accessing your mailbox.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Ensure that you've got some spare keys for your home.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Make sure that you've got keys for other vehicles, those sorts of things, and keep those in another location as well if needed.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: If you believe that your partner doesn't have access to your phone still really strongly consider changing your PIN number, your passwords for your Apple ID.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Please ensure that you and your partner are not sharing the same Apple ID Really, really, really, really, really recommend against it.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: It's important that you change that as soon as possible and making sure that you're resetting things like touch ID and face ID.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: So perpetrators of abuse have been known to store their fingerprint and face in the settings of their partner's phone, which then enables them to gain access even when the PIN number has been changed.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: So let's go through that again.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Don't just stop at changing the PIN lock for your phone.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Please also make sure that you don't share the same Apple ID as your partner.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Please make sure that you reset things like touch ID and face ID to ensure that your partner is not going to be able to continue to gain access even after you've changed your PIN.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: I also recommend changing passwords for all of your email accounts, your laptop or desktop computer, and if you share a family computer, you need to be ensuring that no passwords for any of your accounts have been saved within that computer.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: If you don't already have your own bank account, it's important that you go into a local bank branch and open an account in your name only.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: That can only be accessed by you.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: If you already have your own bank account, it will be really important to go into the bank and ensure that your partner's name is not on that account and that they cannot access that.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Even if you don't remember ever giving them access to your personal bank account, I still do urge you to check this, because I have worked with clients whose partners have forged signatures in order to get their names onto the personal accounts of the partner.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: That's being abused.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: So I really do urge that you ensure that your partner has no access whatsoever to your own personal bank account.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: If your partner controls or monitors the finances, but allows you to do things like grocery shopping if they don't check the receipts, consider withdrawing $20 or so in cash each time you're at the supermarket and then you can deposit that money into your own personal bank account.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: It's important, if you're opening a new account in your name only, that you ask for a basic bank account that doesn't require a minimum deposit each month and also that doesn't attract any monthly fees.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: But your own personal bank account is where you will be endeavouring to put money in if finances are a concern for you.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: It's important, before separating, that you get up to date bank balances for all accounts, so those in your name, those in joint names and even ones that are only in your partner's name, if possible.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: So if you're still getting sent written bank statements and they're being left around, have a look, take a screenshot, because all of that information is going to be relevant when you separate.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Again, if you've got concerns about your partner knowing that you've taken screenshots of something, you can take a screenshot.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: You can then send it to yourself with your new documentation email address and then delete those screenshots off your phone.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Make note of all vehicle registration information, so this includes cars, motorbikes, boats, trucks, trailers, etc.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: You can take photographs of all of those vehicles as well, ensuring that the photographs show the condition of those vehicles accurately, and also email those things to yourself.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: If you're currently not working and if you've got concerns about finances, you can look online or call and make an appointment to talk to someone from Services Australia about the payments that you might be entitled to, both if you're going to be a sole parent but also as being a victim of family violence, and that support can be really helpful in you securing another place for you to stay if you are eligible for some of those additional payments.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Explore your options regarding staying in the home versus moving out and renting.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: This also might be a decision that you'd like to make in conjunction with legal advice and, of course, it may also be dependent upon whether or not you're able to actually financially support yourself and pay for rent in a private rental property.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Moving in with a friend or family member might also be an option for you.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: If you decide that you would like to leave and that you would like to secure a rental property, start looking at appropriate accommodation for yourself and your children.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: If you have kids to decide what you will be able to afford.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Things to consider are will you be able to afford a private rental or will it be possible to stay with friends or family for the short to medium term?
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: What's really important here is that you do not consider leaving your children to stay primarily in the care of your partner in the family home.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Times of separation are times of very high stress, and your partner is likely going to direct his uncontrolled emotions and behaviour towards your kids.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: The first time an abuser chooses to use physical violence with a child partner or former partner can be fatal and, as mentioned earlier in this episode, just because your partner may never have been physically violent in the past, that does not mean that they will never be physically violent in the future.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: Abusive people tend to be very emotionally immature and they make everybody else around them responsible for their own happiness and their own emotions in general.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Now, whilst you've been in a relationship with your partner, the main person being held responsible for all the things has likely been you.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: But please know that the best predictor of how your partner is going to interact with the children is how they've been interacting with you.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: So if your partner regularly blames you for all the things and holds you accountable for their emotional wellbeing, please know that is ultimately how they are also going to behave towards your kids.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: So this is really, really important.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: One of the biggest mistakes that my clients have made in the past is believing that their abusive and controlling ex-partner is a good parent.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: An abusive and controlling person is not a good parent.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: They may show up and help out once in a while.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Maybe they're capable of putting on a really good show of being a great parent when there's an audience, when there's other people looking on.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: But controlling and abusive people tend not to like the heavy lifting of day-to-day parenting.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: And if you're thinking that your controlling and abusive partner only behaves that way towards you, but is actually a really good parent.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: That's a thought that I encourage you to challenge and I invite you to make space for the thought that the belief you have around their qualities as a parent those beliefs, may not actually be correct.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: It can be important to make an appointment with a lawyer to obtain an understanding of your financial position after separation and what you could realistically expect in a financial settlement.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: It's really important that, before you attend any appointment with a lawyer, that you ensure that you have as much relevant information about the asset pool as possible.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: So the estimated value of your property, if you and your partner actually own a home or have a mortgage.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: If you do have a mortgage, how much is left owing on that property?
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: What's the estimated value?
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: What are the vehicles that you have Boats, caravans, motorbikes, trailers, those sorts of things, whether there's money owing on those things savings, shares, investments, superannuation of both you and your partner, credit cards and any other debts.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: The lawyer that you speak with might also want to know who is the primary carer for the children, because this can also impact the division of assets and the financial settlement.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: You can also discuss the options of moving out of the family home versus asking your partner to leave.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: But regardless of this outcome, it's still important that you follow the steps that we've already spoken about in terms of securing important documents and other items to ensure that these can't be taken or destroyed by your partner in the event that they're the ones to move out of the home.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: There are a number of lawyers around the country who offer free initial consultations.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Part of my role when I work with clients is also helping them to find the right lawyer for them, and it's important to keep in mind that just because you have a conversation with one lawyer, that doesn't mean that you have to stay with that one lawyer.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: There's a whole range of things that need to be taken into consideration before you choose the lawyer that's going to be the best fit for you and your situation.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Again, there are a number of agencies Australia-wide that can help you make sense of your situation and support you to make a more detailed safety plan in the event that you make a definite decision to leave.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: Part of my role is to provide support in terms of strategy, mindset and protective parenting if you believe that your partner or former partner is going to react badly and may even take legal action against you.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Now you might be listening to this, wanting to start planning the separation to your partner, but also being aware that it's going to be very, very difficult for you to be the one to move out Now.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: If that's the case, this is where I really recommend working with a professional person whether that's me, whether that's somebody else who specialises in this type of work, because one way that a controlling person is going to attempt to maintain control of the situation and essentially prevent you from ending the relationship is to simply refuse to move.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: So there might be a situation there where you're separated, but living under the one roof, with them refusing to go anywhere and basically saying to you well, if you want to end the relationship, you need to be the one to move Now.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: This sort of behaviour is really deliberate and it's a way to try and get you to just back down, to change your mind, particularly if they're relatively comfortable with how things are.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: If they don't want to end the relationship, they can basically be thinking that, right, well, if I just refuse to go, you know this is all going to blow over.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: This is one reason why a lot of the women that I work with ultimately decide to move out themselves, really because they want the relationship to end, they want the control and the abuse to end, and they know that their ex-partner is highly unlikely to leave.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: That's not the case with every situation, though, and it's important that, if you are the one to remain in the family home whether you own that property outright, have a mortgage over that property or rent that property there are other things that need to be taken into consideration, such as changing the locks after your ex has moved out Again.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: You know that's for your safety, but also because, even after moving out, it's very, very common for controlling and abusive people to still attempt to maintain a degree of control over you, and they can do that by just repeatedly coming back again and again and again to the home.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: This is where we need to be really realistic.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: If someone's controlling, if someone's been abusive in whatever other way, this doesn't change their behaviour doesn't change just because the relationship has ended.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Oftentimes, their attempts to gain and maintain control will intensify, and this is where it's a good idea to have support, to have someone in your corner who can help you to anticipate some of this, who can help you to plan because, as I'm often saying to my clients, what we need to be doing is hoping for the best but planning and preparing for the rest.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: You don't want to be caught out by things that you haven't anticipated, haven't planned for.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: You don't want to keep assuming good intentions from your partner or ex-partner If you're contemplating separating from a controlling or abusive person.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: I hope you found this episode helpful.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more personalised strategic support while you plan your separation, I'm here to help.